Mental Health Era |OT2| Community and Understanding

Sadire

Member
Oct 31, 2017
203
Not that simple it comes and goes but even when I'm fine it doesn't go away I'm just capable of managing it. Even then this is a worse patch, I'm just drowning. Even right now I'm being made fun of by the little family I have just now. I'm hangin in
So it's always looming over you, I get that. Hard to get away from something like that when it's always there.
Please let us know if you feel better after the therapist. I really hope you do..

So what is the family situation, why are they so mean to you?
 

BadAlchemy

Member
May 2, 2019
206
Anyone else who has generalized anxiety also get hypochondriac symptoms?

I'm currently looking to schedule an appointment with a doctor because I'm almost certain I have something serious (even though I most likely don't). Anytime I get a bad case of anxiety or depression I always get a pain or ache somewhere and always always assume the worst this sucks....
I've had psychosomatic symptoms of my mental illness. I also do worry about a lot of things, and one of the things I've historically worried about is my physical health, especially during the decades where I didn't have access to affordable healthcare. I worry about it a lot less now; I worry about my wife's health more than I do my own.
 

Cappa

Member
Oct 25, 2017
1,024
I've had psychosomatic symptoms of my mental illness. I also do worry about a lot of things, and one of the things I've historically worried about is my physical health, especially during the decades where I didn't have access to affordable healthcare. I worry about it a lot less now; I worry about my wife's health more than I do my own.
I haven't had psychosomatic symptoms in such a long time, until this week(which also coincidentally was one of the worst episodes I've had of anxiety /depression) in my entire life.

My problem is everything thing I feel I always go to the worst possible thing (I. E. Cancer) and until I see a medical professional its really difficult to change my mindset :(
 

BadAlchemy

Member
May 2, 2019
206
My experience is that looking up symptoms on the Internet to find out what you have is usually not a good idea, because for some reason it always turns out, according to the collective wisdom of the Internet, to be cancer. Is there someone you trust to talk to aside from a doctor about your worries? Sometimes getting someone else's feedback can help me from spiraling too much.
 

Monkey DTT

Avenger
Oct 28, 2017
2,103
USA West Virginia
Figured out what it is, figured out what it is, Im angry. I dont get angry, I dont express anger. Whatever negative feelings I internalize and so that anger is going entirely at myself rather then where it should be or used properly. So this is actually part of the process of healing I just have to use it constructively.

Edit: I'm fully okay, I think knowing what my problem is means I'll have better luck managing it. I feel really determined right now

So it's always looming over you, I get that. Hard to get away from something like that when it's always there.
Please let us know if you feel better after the therapist. I really hope you do..

So what is the family situation, why are they so mean to you?
Family role, everyone needs someone to step on and I've been a joke since i was a small child. I'm either someone to control or step on to feel better about yourself or both. Once my grandmother dies I just have my uncle and my brother and both treat me like shit so it's more reason to leave.
 
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Cappa

Member
Oct 25, 2017
1,024
My experience is that looking up symptoms on the Internet to find out what you have is usually not a good idea, because for some reason it always turns out, according to the collective wisdom of the Internet, to be cancer. Is there someone you trust to talk to aside from a doctor about your worries? Sometimes getting someone else's feedback can help me from spiraling too much.
Unfortunately I don't have anyone here partly why I'm with bad anxiety and depression. I quit my job, gave them until September and moving back to my old city.

I made the mistake of going on the internet and now I'm automatically assuming I have colorectal cancer even though I've had blood work done not even a few months ago(everything fairly normal) I have had endoscopy and ultrasounds done (I suffer from Gerd) and nothing serious outside of gastritis which I've done well diet wise.

But theres the generalized anxiety part of my brain that this feeling of dull pressure I am feeling in my rear end was surely missed by everyone... That it's not a coincidence this sensation automatically appeared after a pretty bad episode of depression and anxiety and that I am surely done for.

When I get to this point it's very difficult to focus on anything but that and I don't have a doctors appointment until Wednesday afternoon..
 

XuandeXun

Member
May 16, 2019
339
Anyone else who has generalized anxiety also get hypochondriac symptoms?

I'm currently looking to schedule an appointment with a doctor because I'm almost certain I have something serious (even though I most likely don't). Anytime I get a bad case of anxiety or depression I always get a pain or ache somewhere and always always assume the worst this sucks....
I have physical pains that are tied to the manifestation of my anxiety/depression, though I don't think of it in terms of hypochondriac. If you feel the pain, then the pain is real, and there's no sense in believing that it isn't real.

My typical high-stressor response is gagging that transitions into hyperventilating (panic attack) if not checked, but I do get various physical pains as well. I also have Ezcema that is stress-triggered on my eyelids, and neuropathy that originates from a pinched nerve in my foot but radiates up my body in times of high stress.

One "medicine" that has done wonders for me are Roihi-Tsuboko pain patches (http://www.roihi.com/en/tubokou.html , I buy them via Amazon). They're the only thing I've been able to try that can put a check on the neuropathy, and they help with my general back and wrist pains as well.
 

Jam

Member
Oct 25, 2017
4,610
Probably at my lowest point. Talking to people makes me highly strung and emotional. Talking to a line makes my highly strung and emotional. I can’t distract myself. I can’t sleep. I’m exhausted. I just want peace.

I just need to get through tonight. Tomorrow is probably a new day. But I need to get this day finished and behind me.

People have tried to help me today but I just feel so pathetic and obtuse. They’re telling me what I need to hear and I need to accept that but I can’t break this cycle. I appreciate their attempts so much but it hasn’t helped.
 

djinn

Member
Nov 16, 2017
2,768
I'm not coping right now.

Edit: calmed down a bit. Coming off meds is hard. Everything just feels hypersensitive. Like I'm aware every time I laugh, or every time I get a bit sad. And now I'm uncontrollably crying. I might take a diazepam, not sure.

My muscles tense up every now and then and I'm hyper aware of my jaw and teeth again.
 
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Monkey DTT

Avenger
Oct 28, 2017
2,103
USA West Virginia
I'm not coping right now.

Edit: calmed down a bit. Coming off meds is hard. Everything just feels hypersensitive. Like I'm aware every time I laugh, or every time I get a bit sad. And now I'm uncontrollably crying. I might take a diazepam, not sure.

My muscles tense up every now and then and I'm hyper aware of my jaw and teeth again.
That sounds like hell friend, stay strong you'll get through this. Keep posting if it helps in anyway I wanna see you pull through.

Probably at my lowest point. Talking to people makes me highly strung and emotional. Talking to a line makes my highly strung and emotional. I can’t distract myself. I can’t sleep. I’m exhausted. I just want peace.

I just need to get through tonight. Tomorrow is probably a new day. But I need to get this day finished and behind me.

People have tried to help me today but I just feel so pathetic and obtuse. They’re telling me what I need to hear and I need to accept that but I can’t break this cycle. I appreciate their attempts so much but it hasn’t helped.
If you ever wanna talk privately you're always welcome but if you think that doesn't help you dont need to of course. Those cycles can be hell and I just dont want you feeling alone in them. I hope todays going a bit better for you.
 

Orb

Member
Oct 27, 2017
6,535
USA
well I officially have a diagnosis of severe MDD and started on meds yesterday. let's see how this goes!
 

smellyjelly

Avenger
Aug 2, 2018
650
I've really been struggling lately. I met with my first therapist recently, and it was more of an introductory thing and I talked about my family's history, especially my mom's history and complications of being bipolar. I talked a little bit about not wanting to go on medication for depression if I can help it, and she recommended regular exercise (that's something I already do) and a few breathing exercises.

It feels like everyday since then I get hit with this wave of overwhelming sadness/anxiety to the point of being sick. I've had similar feelings over the last 2-3 years, but it'd normally go away after a week or two. But now it feels like everyday this feeling lasts longer and longer and it's almost getting impossible to get out of bed.

I have no one I can talk to about this, and it's exhausting.

My worst fear, especially after my mom died, was having some of these issues manifest and the more I look back over the last few years I think to a lesser extent they had but I always minimized my feelings or justified it as being something else. It's never come on this strong and it's unbearable. Just when I think it's over or I have a temporary reprieve, it seems to come back twice as strong and it's like a lead weight hanging off every thought and action.
 

nevercomehome

Member
Oct 25, 2017
254
Seems like a good place to post this. I guess i'm seeking for advice from people who have gone through similar things. Get ready for a read.

Back in February I left my part time job in order to focus on obtaining a full-time job in the field that I studied for (a bit bold of me to leave the job I had but it was getting annoying to be there and I wasn't paying rent since I lived with my parents.) I was unemployed for a couple of months and constantly worried about where I would end up. Then in May I was interviewed for a job across the state I live in. I drove to the area, had the interview, and drove back home. A few days later I was being offered the position. I was ecstatic.

I packed up my items, said goodbye to my friends and family, and drove to my cousin's house since they had a room I could stay in while I got settled. I started the job at the beginning of this month and it has been a strange time in my life.

Right off the bat, this is the first time i've been away from home. The first few days I felt "a hole" in my chest. I felt incomplete without my friends and family. It got to the point I was crying every night. For a while there I thought I was gonna cut my losses, quit my new job, and go home to rethink my life. It's around this time that my cousin suggested seeking a therapist/counselor. I'm on board for this idea but I just haven't gotten around to it for two main reasons. 1). The extreme homesickness has gone away and 2). the 9-5 grind doesn't really leave time to do other stuff.

A few weeks pass and while the homesickness has gone away I am now facing two other issues.

First, the 9-5 grind is hard to get used to. I was so happy being unemployed and spending my days working on my own projects. Now that i'm working my time has been taken away from me. Even if I do plan on doing something when I get home I get tired quickly and I also have a nagging thought of "oh no there's work tomorrow." Everyone around me is saying "well yeah that's just a part of life. Working for the weekend."

Second, I have a fear of now losing my job. I want to move out of my cousin's asap and have my own place but I am feeling anxiety towards my job. Just feel like they'll "figure out" that i'm not a good fit or something and lose my job and my only source of income. The job itself seems easy so far, everyone here is chill about stuff, and they all seem to be doing their best to accommodate me. Not sure where this feeling is coming from.

But that's basically it. Gonna try and look for a therapist/counselor in the near future in order to try to shake all this negative emotion i'm feeling. Figured I should seek other advice in the meantime.
 

stan_marsh

Member
Oct 25, 2017
5,904
Canada
Music is always nice to fall back on.

So you're irritable and your thoughts are racing through your head.
There's exercises for the latter, I'm currently trying them.
What do you think about exactly, is it something negative and does it just keep on snowballing?
I don't want to post everything again sorry, I've posted too much here over the years and there's no point anymore.
Please don't waste your time on me.

I'm just useless, good for nothing.

I got a referral to CAMH again and if this doesn't do anything or help me in some way, I'm ready to end my life. Hopefully they don't put me with a therapists that talks like she's a negotiator talking to a criminal. She might as well just be reading "Therapy for Dummies" in my face.

I'm fucking tired of not being fit for this world, I don't belong here. I didn't choose to be born into this world.
 
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BadAlchemy

Member
May 2, 2019
206
Hi nevercomehome! First off congrats on the big steps you've made, you're doing stuff that's challenging for anyone and probably you're doing well.

Second off, work is tiring for sure, but so is depression and anxiety. It's really super tough to do both at once. Therapy might seem like one more thing you don't have time for right now, but my experience is that getting help for my problems allows me to do things with less stress, which makes me less tired, and leaves me more time to do the things I want to do. So I'd encourage that.

The other thing you're talking about, worrying that you're going to get fired - that sounds a lot to me like imposter syndrome. Particularly getting a job in your field right out of school, that's a pretty common thing to have. Again therapy has been good at helping me center myself and focus less on unsupported or under-supported negative feelings.
 

djinn

Member
Nov 16, 2017
2,768
That sounds like hell friend, stay strong you'll get through this. Keep posting if it helps in anyway I wanna see you pull through.


If you ever wanna talk privately you're always welcome but if you think that doesn't help you dont need to of course. Those cycles can be hell and I just dont want you feeling alone in them. I hope todays going a bit better for you.
You're like the nicest person here. Thank you.
 

Sillution

Member
Oct 25, 2017
935
This past week has been super tough. I continued to think horrible thoughts about ending it all, more then usual. I am on a different medication for the past month and I’m going to guess it’s not working all that well.
 

Rick Martel

Member
Oct 27, 2017
457
This past week has been super tough. I continued to think horrible thoughts about ending it all. I am on a different medication for the past month and I’m going to guess it’s not working all that well.
Please call your Dr. Asap! So he may change your meds to something that will work better for you, in my case depakote and
Wellbutrin have helped me out, as well as Cymbalta. Hang in there !
 

Sillution

Member
Oct 25, 2017
935
Please call your Dr. Asap! So he may change your meds to something that will work better for you, in my case depakote and
Wellbutrin have helped me out, as well as Cymbalta. Hang in there !
I’m currently on wellbutrin because the past 3 different meds had side effects and while I’m glad it has eliminated the side effects of the others, I guess it isn’t working as well mentally so to speak as I was hoping.
 

Monkey DTT

Avenger
Oct 28, 2017
2,103
USA West Virginia
I have someone gossiping about me on Twitter and I should be upset or hurt and all I'm thinking is "woah, you think i have enough value to lower? That's so cool"

You're like the nicest person here. Thank you.
You're more than welcome, although I'm not doing anything special and there are alot of good people here, I'm just the one who saw your message. How are you holding up?

I don't want to post everything again sorry, I've posted too much here over the years and there's no point anymore.
Please don't waste your time on me.

I'm just useless, good for nothing.

I got a referral to CAMH again and if this doesn't do anything or help me in some way, I'm ready to end my life. Hopefully they don't put me with a therapists that talks like she's a negotiator talking to a criminal. She might as well just be reading "Therapy for Dummies" in my face.

I'm fucking tired of not being fit for this world, I don't belong here. I didn't choose to be born into this world.
I really hope the referral goes well for you stan. I'm rootin for ya
 
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nevercomehome

Member
Oct 25, 2017
254
Thanks.
Yup, this is what I thought.

I have always heard of imposter syndrome but I guess I have never had a "real" job where I would be in the position for it to happen to me. And yeah, I should be looking for professional help to ease my worries. My mood has been fluctuating a lot so sometimes it feels like I don't need any help.
 
Oct 25, 2017
143
4 day weekend, trying to bounce back a bit. Yesterday woke up in a giant cocoon of anxiety; had a dentist appointment and evening social plans. Literally wanted nothing to do with leaving my apartment but managed to get through the dentist okay and elected to keep the social plans. Had a good time and got invited to a new D&D group.

Tomorrow night I have more social plans. Actually looking forward to it now. My mental health does improve when I'm out more as opposed to holing up at home.
 

XuandeXun

Member
May 16, 2019
339
I’m currently on wellbutrin because the past 3 different meds had side effects and while I’m glad it has eliminated the side effects of the others, I guess it isn’t working as well mentally so to speak as I was hoping.
Good luck. Wellbutrin was one of the medications I tried that I had a severe reaction to - in my case, a rash that grew over my entire upper body in the first hour of my first dose.

Part of why I made my peace with medications is because my body is so sensitive to them, with small doses enough to cause real harm. Viibryd gave me insomnia, Klonopin made me lose my ability to focus, etc. I wish the science behind matching symptoms to medications was more precise, but it just isn't.
 

Sillution

Member
Oct 25, 2017
935
Good luck. Wellbutrin was one of the medications I tried that I had a severe reaction to - in my case, a rash that grew over my entire upper body in the first hour of my first dose.

Part of why I made my peace with medications is because my body is so sensitive to them, with small doses enough to cause real harm. Viibryd gave me insomnia, Klonopin made me lose my ability to focus, etc. I wish the science behind matching symptoms to medications was more precise, but it just isn't.
I know what you mean. So far I’ve tried Zoloft, cymbata, Prozac, Paxil, pristiq, and now Wellbutrin. Maybe I’m just not meant to take meds?
 

OniLinkPlus

Member
Oct 25, 2017
478
Gonna vent again cause it's a bad day apparently. Copying from our twitter which is where we do most of our venting/dumping. Following vent courtesy of our primary fronter and person most affected by this, Violet.

It is currently completely beyond our power to get better. We know what we need, we know what kind of support and help we need. Insurance is blocking us from accessing that help. It's summer, we have no job, no community, nothing to do.

We have a vacation coming up in a week, but until then, and for the entire summer after until school starts, we have nothing. Nothing to do, no goals or dreams to work towards, nothing. We're just existing, and it's so incredibly bad for our mental health.

We try socializing, meeting new people, we went on a date with a cutie who we really do want to date, but when it's done we're out of spoons and there's still that hole. It's suffocating and it won't go away.

This fall we're going back to university. Long term, this will be good for us getting a job where we can feel confident and fulfilled and financially stable. But right now we can't see that far ahead.

We had so much good going for us and it all got torn out from under us at once. It sucks. We want everything to go back to how it was. We want insurance to get off their asses and give us the support we pay for.

We want to be better and have friends again who understand us and who we feel safe talking to about anything and everything. We want to deserve those friends.

We're not healthy enough to have friends like that again, we'll just destroy and hurt like we did last time. But without some form of friends and community like what we had, we don't think we *can* get better.

It's hard to move on and make new friends and new community. It feels like we're betraying our old friends by replacing them, when we don't even deserve our original friends. We haven't made up for the hurt we caused, so how can we move on? It's not right. It's not ok.

Here we are, screaming into the void. We just wish they would hear us and respond and say everything is going to be ok. But that won't happen. We'll never get that closure, that chance to fix things. It'll always be broken, forever.

It's been two fucking weeks and we don't feel the slightest bit better. Time isn't going to heal this. We don't want time to heal this. It won't be healed til we've made amends. We just have no idea how.

If anyone has... any idea how to help us with this, we'd love that. Is there any like... online DBT resources we can use? Any online courses while we wait for insurance to do their damn job? Our main issue is we have intense abandonment anxiety and feel incredibly insecure in our relationships with others. When we feel threatened, we lash out by pushing everyone away and accusing them of conspiring against us. We actively sabotage our own relationships out of fear that they'll fall apart. Our reactions make no sense and only make our fears become reality.

EDIT: made the hidden text visible, dunno why we hid it
 
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Prax

Member
Oct 25, 2017
803
Gonna vent again cause it's a bad day apparently. Copying from our twitter which is where we do most of our venting/dumping. Following vent courtesy of our primary fronter and person most affected by this, Violet.

[Hidden content]

If anyone has... any idea how to help us with this, we'd love that. Is there any like... online DBT resources we can use? Any online courses while we wait for insurance to do their damn job? Our main issue is we have intense abandonment anxiety and feel incredibly insecure in our relationships with others. When we feel threatened, we lash out by pushing everyone away and accusing them of conspiring against us. We actively sabotage our own relationships out of fear that they'll fall apart. Our reactions make no sense and only make our fears become reality.
Sorry, I don't know how to read the hidden stuff, but your situation reminds me of things Elinor Geenberg from Quora might have a lot of information on:

I don't know if she does DBT specifically, but I think her exercises on maintaining/gaining a stable sense of whole object relations is incredibly interesting and insightful to me (who before didn't understand "splitting" and other stuff people with such defsnse mechanisms do).
Maybe check out her book:


Or check out her Psychology Today articles about it:

Although she mainly focuses on Narcissism, she also touches on BPD and Schizoid, all types who have adaptations that focuses/fixates on and puts a strain on interpersonal relationships.

Apprently, people with BPD (borderline personality disorder) focus a lot more on the abandonment issue while NPD (narcissistic personality disorder) is more about self-esteem defenses in case you are concerned about that:

What's the difference between NPD and BPD?
 
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OniLinkPlus

Member
Oct 25, 2017
478
This is very good. Thank you. Also went ahead and edited our post so the hidden text is visible now, but still under spoilers. Looking at those conditions discussed, we... Almost certainly without a doubt have BPD. That article on developing WORs is definitely looking helpful, and we wish we had seen it a month ago!
 

Monkey DTT

Avenger
Oct 28, 2017
2,103
USA West Virginia
I'm trying to reframe my emotional flash backs as direct messages from my inner child about my abandonment rather then as personal failure. I'm still reading the same book about cptsd that I've been reading over a year now. Its only 300 pages but every time I dive it I end up tearing up and it's hard to see yourself spoken about so accurately.

Its been a bit since I've taken a day to just read at a coffee shop but I'm glad I did. I look stupid but no one sees me so its okay. Anyway point is todays been good at the self care thing. I need to keep this up
 

jdstorm

Member
Jan 6, 2018
3,037
So um... I’m doing really badly

So I’m starting to feel suicidal again. Everything in my life should be great, I saved really hard, I’m supposedly travelling the world, but solo travelling is awful when you are socially anxious and likely somewhere on the spectrum. I say somewhere because I haven’t officially been diagnosed with anything and even acknowledging that this is a part of my personality is new for me (the last few months) and accepting it is hard.

Mostly I feel alone and sad, that’s my normal now, I’m meant to be Snowboarding, I have the gear, I’m at the mountains and I can’t get out of bed....

Anyway this morning I woke up early in a bit of a cold sweat, mind racing. It’s going through regular trauma (something that’s unusual for July) and then the occasional suicidal thought creeps in... this sucks but I can deal with this... then it flicks again and it’s not passive anymore, it’s active.

My brain is going from things hurt and life is worth living and that there are people who care about you to... Fuck everyone if you cared why don’t I ever feel cared for or loved. If you don’t give a shit now while I’m alive then I don’t care if me not being around makes you suffer. Fuck you

At this point I’m typing on here because if I wasn’t sharing I’d probably mentally be writing a note. Not a big note person though, never really planned on leaving one, having to be open and vulnerable to people who you could never be that way too... fuck them.

That was surprisingly cathartic and I feel a better bit this is still an active and potentially dangerous situation. I should reach out to someone so I have an active tether
 

BadAlchemy

Member
May 2, 2019
206
Glad to hear it Evil Monkey, what CPTSD book? I've been trying to do some work on those issues myself, making some really good progress!
 

Monkey DTT

Avenger
Oct 28, 2017
2,103
USA West Virginia
Glad to hear it Evil Monkey, what CPTSD book? I've been trying to do some work on those issues myself, making some really good progress!
Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving: A Guide and Map for Recovering from Childhood Trauma by Pete Walker

Its been very useful for identifying symptoms, helping to come to terms, explaining the impulses, and is a very good guide. Every time I read it I have a very strong emotional reaction but the advice is good and it hits very close to home. Also super glad to hear you're making good progress, we are in this together friend let's keep up the good fight. ^_^

So um... I’m doing really badly

So I’m starting to feel suicidal again. Everything in my life should be great, I saved really hard, I’m supposedly travelling the world, but solo travelling is awful when you are socially anxious and likely somewhere on the spectrum. I say somewhere because I haven’t officially been diagnosed with anything and even acknowledging that this is a part of my personality is new for me (the last few months) and accepting it is hard.

Mostly I feel alone and sad, that’s my normal now, I’m meant to be Snowboarding, I have the gear, I’m at the mountains and I can’t get out of bed....

Anyway this morning I woke up early in a bit of a cold sweat, mind racing. It’s going through regular trauma (something that’s unusual for July) and then the occasional suicidal thought creeps in... this sucks but I can deal with this... then it flicks again and it’s not passive anymore, it’s active.

My brain is going from things hurt and life is worth living and that there are people who care about you to... Fuck everyone if you cared why don’t I ever feel cared for or loved. If you don’t give a shit now while I’m alive then I don’t care if me not being around makes you suffer. Fuck you

At this point I’m typing on here because if I wasn’t sharing I’d probably mentally be writing a note. Not a big note person though, never really planned on leaving one, having to be open and vulnerable to people who you could never be that way too... fuck them.

That was surprisingly cathartic and I feel a better bit this is still an active and potentially dangerous situation. I should reach out to someone so I have an active tether
I hope for the best friend, if you ever need to talk you can always message. I'm glad getting this out there helps. Even if you're having trouble you still traveled, you've still done alot . Its something to be proud of which I know is hard under the circumstances. But I'm rooting for ya and I'm sure the rest of the thread is too.
 
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jdstorm

Member
Jan 6, 2018
3,037
Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving: A Guide and Map for Recovering from Childhood Trauma by Pete Walker

Its been very useful for identifying symptoms, helping to come to terms, explaining the impulses, and is a very good guide. Every time I read it I have a very strong emotional reaction but the advice is good and it hits very close to home. Also super glad to hear you're making good progress, we are in this together friend let's keep up the good fight. ^_^


I hope for the best friend, if you ever need to talk you can always message. I'm glad getting this out there helps. Even if you're having trouble you still traveled, you've still done alot . Its something to be proud of which I know is hard under the circumstances. But I'm rooting for ya and I'm sure the rest of the thread is too.
Thanks.

Ended up reaching out to a family member. Nothing specific, I guess I was feeling a lot of pressure about supposedly doing something great when the reality is that trying to live what I thought was my Dream is making me miserable.

I think being able to admit that and accept it is helping. Also deleted all social media and dating apps. I shouldn’t be dating right now and using them to make friends is not all that fun either. The only real social media I had was insta and that was mainly for professional reasons for a job I’m not going back to and to talk to a person who I probably shouldn’t be in contact with because talking to her makes me feel sad.

There is a lot of mess/fallout in my head right now but I’m at least calm again and my mind is at a normal speed vs Racing like it was a few hours ago.

I suppose that’s the journey. We have our good days and hope we survive the bad ones
 

Prax

Member
Oct 25, 2017
803
This is very good. Thank you. Also went ahead and edited our post so the hidden text is visible now, but still under spoilers. Looking at those conditions discussed, we... Almost certainly without a doubt have BPD. That article on developing WORs is definitely looking helpful, and we wish we had seen it a month ago!
You're welcome! I hope it helps you!
I was able to read your story. I think if you work non WOH, it will help, then you can try to reframe how you think of your relationship to your past.
Sometimes the best amends you can make to people you have hurt but cannot yet contact is to just to give yourself permission to get well, get stable, and become better with all your future relationships.

This answer also came up and made me think of this situation:


For people on the autism spectrum, you may have similar traits as those found in borderline personality disorder people: tendency for all or nothing black-white thinking about things, leaving you in tailspins. I have some friends who go under massive anxiety attacks and kind of normalize their suicidal feelings. It has taken years of coaxing to get some of them to open up to the possibility of anxiety meds (they also normalized their anxiety thinking that was how life just feels).

Things are really changing for them after changing their baselines for anxiety. One friend realized "wow, I suddenly now notice when I am constantly feeling suicidal that it's not normal to feel that way! And instead of feeling it every hour of the day it's only maybe once a week". They still have ups and downs and can get consumed by anxieties or unease, which snowballs into other life and relationship problems, but it's a lot less often now. Others in their lives notice their gain in stability (usually before the person themselves will notice it).

I don't take anxiety meds because I don't quite need them yet (I used to need them when I had a job that required a lot more social interaction lol). This might change again with the added stress of having kids. But for others on the spectrum, I have seen it work wonders for helping them self-manage their emotional states and has increased their quality of life.
 

FeistyBoots

Member
Oct 27, 2017
2,725
Southern California
So I'm new here but I just am so depressed a lot of the time and it eats away at me. I constantly have 1-2 episodes of suicidal thoughts nearly every week. Some background: I was physically and mentally abused for years by my father as a child up to age 11, still dealing constantly with a lot of that past trauma and in addition, have dysphoria over aspects of my body. Have a lot of sadness with regard to knowing I was a girl since well, I was age 11 and not being able to live my life as who I am for so long up to age 24. Due to the abuse and those other things I've been wanting to not be around since age 6, and I feel like I am a drain on the people whom I love and love me back. My dad threatened to kill me over the phone if I ever returned to my birth country in 2017 because of me being trans. Just a lot of shit really. It was also really stressful when I went through the political asylum process for a year and simultaneously dealing with constantly reliving-retelling my trauma, and the horrible political/social situation in the US (we aren't criminals). I've also been jobless for almost 2 years and feel guilty for being unable to help my girlfriend and family more with finances. I just can't work being like this and unable to function as a person in day to day interactions and life.

That's it for the really dark parts. I do take medication(s) and have a team at my clinic consisting of my pcp, psychiatrist and therapist and even with their kindness, I can't help but feel I am not taking their advice/help and applying it well enough considering the past year. What keeps me going are the facts I was granted asylum earlier this year in spite of the obstacles/hate, have wonderful pets, and am supported by my amazing girlfriend. I know I need to do better and live for and be kind to myself. It's just so....difficult.
*Hugs* for my fellow trans girl. I know your pain all too well.
 

Yagyujubei

Member
Oct 25, 2017
1,194
in hell
If there are beautiful better attractive smarter people in this world why do I need to exist? Why couldn’t I have died in childbirth or when I was a kid. I don’t deserve to live in this awful world. I have my life and the world hates it too. I’m on the 19th floor of a building so why cannot I just jump off. My life would be better if I died.

If anyone could help me died I’d probably give that person my whole gaming collection

I’ll never get to live being alive. I’ve always been the odd man out. Either the 3rd wheel or 5th wheel when out with couples. I know fate hates me. I know I hate myself so I know I’ll never meet anyone. This is one of those nevers that sticks. Knowing this shouldn’t I kill myself. There isn’t love in this world for me. I’m sorry to whomever is hurt by my death and I apologize to myself for not being a person. When I die I get to release it all
 
Last edited:
Nov 15, 2017
242
Skövde
In these recent months I've been admitted to a locked hospital department due to frighting my brother with an anxiety attack (while drunk) in where I reiterated suicidal thoughts out loud. He notified alarm services and I was duly transported away.

Surely, I "abuse" alcohol - but I'm not an alcoholic (not by definition or in other ways primarily anyway).
To be fair - to just be an alcoholic would be a blessing.

No, my brain is not functioning according to general expectancy. A doctor within the locked hospital wing suspected a form of autism.

I've long thought of me as different; primarily I've been keen on to contribute that to a mood disorder - I'm not ever really that devastatingly sad, neither I am truly happy. The episodes in where I can spend days lying in sofa, in where my first waking thought is to sleep again, is plentiful and often not agitated or motivated. Respectively, my "happiest" moments is in those moments where I manage to reach for a drink and some music.

---------

I recently been granted sertraline (ssri), a medication administered to curtail depression and anxiety. I've been told it would take weeks before it has a positive effect; during these weeks I would potentially feel worse. Two weeks in, I haven't felt worse - I've been feeling more manic.


Anyone else had this effect of ssri?
 

half a moon

Member
Oct 25, 2017
1,673
If there are beautiful better attractive smarter people in this world why do I need to exist? Why couldn’t I have died in childbirth or when I was a kid. I don’t deserve to live in this awful world. I have my life and the world hates it too. I’m on the 19th floor of a building so why cannot I just jump off. My life would be better if I died.

If anyone could help me died I’d probably give that person my whole gaming collection

I’ll never get to live being alive. I’ve always been the odd man out. Either the 3rd wheel or 5th wheel when out with couples. I know fate hates me. I know I hate myself so I know I’ll never meet anyone. This is one of those nevers that sticks. Knowing this shouldn’t I kill myself. There isn’t love in this world for me. I’m sorry to whomever is hurt by my death and I apologize to myself for not being a person. When I die I get to release it all
If you survive until mind uploading you can edit your faults. The inevitable matrix will allow you to edit apperance.
 
Nov 15, 2017
242
Skövde
If there are beautiful better attractive smarter people in this world why do I need to exist? Why couldn’t I have died in childbirth or when I was a kid. I don’t deserve to live in this awful world. I have my life and the world hates it too. I’m on the 19th floor of a building so why cannot I just jump off. My life would be better if I died.

If anyone could help me died I’d probably give that person my whole gaming collection

I’ll never get to live being alive. I’ve always been the odd man out. Either the 3rd wheel or 5th wheel when out with couples. I know fate hates me. I know I hate myself so I know I’ll never meet anyone. This is one of those nevers that sticks. Knowing this shouldn’t I kill myself. There isn’t love in this world for me. I’m sorry to whomever is hurt by my death and I apologize to myself for not being a person. When I die I get to release it all

I once, in hysteria, was on the fifth floor apartment of mine thinking - "will this fall end me?".

- I, for one, love you for sharing - letting me know that I'm not alone (and you aren't either).
 

BadAlchemy

Member
May 2, 2019
206
Regarding motivating myself: The big thing for me is to take small steps and to compromise with myself a lot. There are things I want to do, feel like I need to do in order to be "functional", but sometimes doing them to their fullest extent is just beyond me. If there's something I just don't feel up to doing at all, I'll compromise and do it a little bit. Doing a little bit, as a habit, has worked for me. Particularly hobbies are hard because they're things that are supposed to feel good, supposed to be hedonic experiences, and when I'm feeling down they're not and it can sometimes reinforce the depression to recognize that. So I try to do things open to being happy, but not expecting to be happy, and I try do only push myself a little beyond what I think I can do.
 
Nov 15, 2017
242
Skövde
Regarding motivating myself: The big thing for me is to take small steps and to compromise with myself a lot. There are things I want to do, feel like I need to do in order to be "functional", but sometimes doing them to their fullest extent is just beyond me. If there's something I just don't feel up to doing at all, I'll compromise and do it a little bit. Doing a little bit, as a habit, has worked for me. Particularly hobbies are hard because they're things that are supposed to feel good, supposed to be hedonic experiences, and when I'm feeling down they're not and it can sometimes reinforce the depression to recognize that. So I try to do things open to being happy, but not expecting to be happy, and I try do only push myself a little beyond what I think I can do.
If life could be that simple. I wouldn't feel bad about a sunrise.
 

SugarDave

Member
Oct 26, 2017
1,006
Woke up this morning with that immediate feeling of despair hitting me. Not that my mental wellbeing has been great for the last couple of years, but it's been about that long since that particular feeling has hit me.

Yay!
 

stan_marsh

Member
Oct 25, 2017
5,904
Canada
I'm useless, literally the only thing I am good at is kickboxing and video games.

PTSD, depression and anxiety have ruined me.

A product of my past with no future.