Mental Health Era |OT2| Community and Understanding

Monkey DTT

Avenger
Oct 28, 2017
1,812
USA West Virginia
About a day or 2 before I go back into my flashbacks. I've been doing better, I know it doesnt seem it but I used to be in the hole 50 percent of the time and now it's closer to 70/30. This time in trying something new, I'm gonna try reframing it into something more productive. Book suggested to view it as your inner child trying to scream at me about the abandonment hes been under so I'm gonna do my best to stay above water


Also I'm no longer "evil" because I never liked that part of my name. It I'm making changes I'd rather just be monkey, it's more accurate.
 

Trevelyon

Member
Oct 30, 2017
155
Trying CBT and finding it extremely tough to rewire my thoughts and find true self compassion. Especially when I have problems quieting my mind and break negative thought cycles.
 

stan_marsh

Member
Oct 25, 2017
5,407
Canada
got my appointment for another shot at CAMH for therapy.

FOR SEPTEMBER 10 . That's the fucking earliest appointment they have.

we'll see if I'm still fucking alive by then since I have like two months of rent money left...

If you're not rich in this stupid province you're on the bottom of the list.
 

SamWise

Member
Dec 10, 2017
54
I just don't know what to do, I'm almost 30 and I can't get my shit together, no matter how much I focus on self improvement I still remain lost and confused. I'm just so tired and alone and scared. This is the most difficult time of my life and I feel like I'm losing my mind. Some days I'm fine but other days it seems like all I have is worry. Tomorrow is a new day maybe I don't know, it might be different, that's what I keep telling myself.
 

Gilver

Member
Nov 14, 2018
1,607
Costa Rica
Does someone have some sick strats for alcoholism because with my constant suicidal thoughts I just need some mind clearing at night at least. Right now im mostly just drinking Four loko and coke with rum so thats an improvement from before I guess.
 

Sillution

Member
Oct 25, 2017
865
This is a problem I actually have frequently.

I don't know if it's the bet way to handle it but in moments like that I try to clear my mind and think of something I enjoy like a song or something.
I’ve had this problem for so long I really wish I had an answer as to why I get like this. And I wish I could clear my mind but being stuck at work literally all day does not help.
 

Crazy Izanagi

Member
Oct 27, 2017
15,635
I’ve had this problem for so long I really wish I had an answer as to why I get like this. And I wish I could clear my mind but being stuck at work literally all day does not help.
That's when it hits me worst too. For me it tends to happen because my mind wanders. Like my mind is playing "six degrees of stuff that scares me."

I wish I had a good solution but even for myself I can't always clear my head. Generally I try to not just let myself over focus on the negative and try to think of something I like. Like a joke I think is funny or a story I like. Sometimes trying to just work and focus on that helps stop my mind from wandering to much.
 

Dark_EMT

Member
Apr 19, 2018
533
I’m a nursing student and we just covered psychiatry and mental health. I learned so much on different mental disorders. Please if you’re depressed or have other mental issues that affects your daily living, go seek help.
 

Hey

Member
Feb 19, 2018
2,297
I don't want to post everything again sorry, I've posted too much here over the years and there's no point anymore.
Please don't waste your time on me.

I'm just useless, good for nothing.

I got a referral to CAMH again and if this doesn't do anything or help me in some way, I'm ready to end my life. Hopefully they don't put me with a therapists that talks like she's a negotiator talking to a criminal. She might as well just be reading "Therapy for Dummies" in my face.

I'm fucking tired of not being fit for this world, I don't belong here. I didn't choose to be born into this world.
I saw your post in the high thread. If you are smoking a lot it can effect your thinking process, believe me I been there. I went to very very dark place because of it. At least if you can't stop change from THC strains to smoke CBD its way better for mental health than THC.(Assuming you smoke).
Other than that. I hope you the best.
 

Monkey DTT

Avenger
Oct 28, 2017
1,812
USA West Virginia
I'm really bothered by something and its fueled my whole day. I've been diagnosed with BPD 2 weeks ago. Talked to my partner who doesnt think I have it and yesterday I sent back into therapy. There are things common with the cptsd and they come from the same place but..... idk apparently this means I dont have cptsd and i dont fucking get it.

I've been reading all these fucking books and pouring into everything to fix myself and even though it fits.... fucking perfectly thats not what I have. I have 6 out of 9 symptoms of bpd but that over takes the 100 percent of the other thing.

I upset my therapist and got rude, I said "you're telling me I'm not being rude but I also pay you so I don't know if I'm upsetting you or not" and I've been terrified every sense. I'm scared to go back to therapy.

Worst bit for the new diagnosis I was suggested into multiple types of therapy that I cant afford, so I cant fix myself or put in the proper effort because of a fucking insurance that wont help me.

I skipped worked today, told them my uncle had a car accident which was a lie and i feel bad about lieing but more so I made another scene. I'm just doing badly, I've received some kind words from people here but I cant shake my guilt or self hatred and worse now I feel aimless.

My progress was possibly wrong, I might have lied to you all about what is wrong with me, I dont know what's my fault and what isnt, i might have lost my only help, I keep making scenes here and I keep hitting myself again.
 

OniLinkPlus

Member
Oct 25, 2017
397
We've been dealing with this exact same issue lately. Something we've been trying to keep in mind is mental health conditions are not mutually exclusive. As you said, C-PTSD and BPD have a lot in common and come from similar sources. It's not exactly unlikely to have both. In fact, due to their overlap, having one makes you more likely to have the other.

If your therapist thinks that having BPD means you can't have C-PTSD, then your therapist is wrong. Comorbidity is a thing.

Curious what kinds of therapy they recommended? DBT is generally the golden standard for BPD and other emotional regulation problems, so we wouldn't be surprised if that was the main thing they recommended.
 

Monkey DTT

Avenger
Oct 28, 2017
1,812
USA West Virginia
We've been dealing with this exact same issue lately. Something we've been trying to keep in mind is mental health conditions are not mutually exclusive. As you said, C-PTSD and BPD have a lot in common and come from similar sources. It's not exactly unlikely to have both. In fact, due to their overlap, having one makes you more likely to have the other.

If your therapist thinks that having BPD means you can't have C-PTSD, then your therapist is wrong. Comorbidity is a thing.

Curious what kinds of therapy they recommended? DBT is generally the golden standard for BPD and other emotional regulation problems, so we wouldn't be surprised if that was the main thing they recommended.
Yeah it was dbt while continuing my cbt. But its a weekly thing and my insurance cant cover that. Plus on top of that I couldn't get work off every week on top of my other appointments. Idk maybe I do have this, i just dont know.
 

BadAlchemy

Member
May 2, 2019
150
Incandenza that sucks about your therapist, I think giving it time and being patient is a good thing but it's been six months and if that relationship isn't working for you it's not working for you. It definitely is really tough to change therapists but my experience is that it's totally worth it. I just changed therapists recently after spending a long time trying to get what I needed with my old therapist, and I'm just making so much more progress with my new therapist, it's challenging but also really great. I actually leave sessions with my new therapist feeling way, way better about myself, which isn't something I've always had.

Monkey, what I'd say about what you're dealing with is that you are not your diagnosis. I know on the Internet there's a lot of skepticism about "self-diagnosis" and encouragement to get diagnosed by a professional, but honestly though they have knowledge and skills beyond the average person you have the advantage of being you. They're not infallible. PTSD is one of those issues that certain people will give you a lot of pushback on. That doesn't mean they're right and you're wrong. Oni is definitely right as well, comorbidities are a thing. Some days I feel like I have everything, and you know what, maybe I do! I've been diagnosed with major depression, bipolar II, schizoid disorder, autism spectrum disorder, hyperactivity (that's what they called it back then), "dual-role transvestism" (seriously why does the ICD-10 have more accurate codes for being sucked into a jet engine than they do for gender dysphoria), PTSD, social anxiety, panic disorder, you know, probably a bunch of other stuff too. That laundry list makes me look like a fucking mess, I'm sure, but I'm really not. I'm honestly a fairly healthy, strong person. I also doubt I actually have all those things, and certainly I haven't been diagnosed with all that stuff at once, but for me the goal of a diagnosis is to help with recovery - which a lot of the diagnoses have!

Were you the one recommending the Pete Walker book upthread? I've been going through it and I think it's utterly fantastic. One can quibble about diagnoses all one likes, but acknowledging and accepting that my parenting wasn't good enough, advocating for myself instead of caping for them, has been really difficult work. Understanding and accepting my trauma has given me the strength do things like actually talk about my emotions with one of my siblings, which has been a great and wonderful thing.

My life just makes so much more sense when seen through the spectrum of trauma, so if someone wants to tell me I don't have PTSD - which happens, there are people who are very traditional and think that like only soldiers and rape victims can have PTSD - you know, I don't need to listen to them or value their perspective over my own. I've had a lot of experiences like that. I've done therapies that some people think are not sufficiently evidence-based. Well, maybe they're not, but I'm dealing with psychological work, and I've been through this long enough that I know when something is good and healthy for me and something isn't. That level of self-trust is earned, and it's a a difficult and delicate thing - you don't want to go too far the other way and not trust anybody but yourself.

Also, if somebody is recommending you therapy your insurance won't cover and you can't afford, that's just not going to be helpful for you. A therapeutic relationship is built on trust and openness. I don't think you should dump your therapist outright - I don't even know how long you've been seeing them, and in the past I've had the instinct to sabotage my recovery by dumping therapists whenever things got too real - but it sounds like you are having some serious trust issues with your therapist, and even though it's hard you should probably try to address those issues up front with them.

Anyway sorry for the wall of text, I have lots of thoughts obviously :)
 

Kyuuji

Member
Nov 8, 2017
5,033
UK
I posted this in the thread regarding Etika but feel it might be useful to some here battling feelings of depression, lack of self-worth or suicide. It is honest, frank and graphic in parts, but could be relatable to some. There's trigger warnings mid-text as it was originally a standard post, I'll leave them in as it's long and in case someone clicks the spoiler without reading.

It's my experience of those things, and how I'm in a much better place now.
If you're any age and can relate to Etika's last video, general desperation or find yourself apart from the world drifting – it gets better. It can, it will, it does.

Trigger warnings: depression, suicide, suicidal thoughts, sexual abuse, rape, detailing of wounds.

-----

I have been both the person suffering, and have tried to help others who suffer.

If you're any age and can relate to Etika's last video, general desperation or find yourself apart from the world drifting – it gets better. It can, it will, it does.

I wish I could show you how far down the well I was, so you understood the tears with which this ink is mixed. I've been to the top of multi-story car parks and stood on the edge, I've sat under trees in the forest crying wondering which I might hang from soon. Every week I drive over a bridge well-known for suicides and every time I do there's still a glint within me that asks if the world would be better if I did. I don't think it ever leaves you, but now I have a list of things that pop up when I think that, reasons to stay alive. Some days that list is shorter than others, but it's always there now and a number of those items are strong enough to where I don't have to worry any more. Which is why it is so important to me that you understand that it can get better, because there were many times where I didn't have that list in the road until now.

During my time at secondary school (ages 11-16) I was both sexually abused at the start, and I was bullied on a daily basis for close to four of the years. My offense was that I was born with ginger hair and needed glasses. Mix that with being pretty shy and coming off the back of everything sexual abuse brings, and I was a prime vector of attack. We're talking being spat on, kicked between the legs, pushed down flights of metal stairs, poled on the bus, punched, kicked, whatever. Every day of school, for years. Several occasions I was threatened with knives. Nothing happened to the bullies because "boys will be boys" and because it wasn't racially motivated.

So I grew up with an irreconcilable level of self-hatred, shame, guilt and a strong perception that the issue was me. After all, I was being broken on a daily basis purely for features of my body I was unable to change. It wasn't immediate, it wasn't overnight but with time that settled and it settled deep. I became an incredible liar and – as with many people suffering from depression – managed to perfect the wearing of masks. Every day I went home and smiled at my parents, said all was fine before going upstairs and breaking down into the pillows. Occasionally I couldn't make it to the bedroom before that, and my parents would see a crack of what was happening. I'd summarily dismiss it as being solely whatever had managed to escape at the time, before going upstairs and wondering how I could get a gun in the UK to put to my head.

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Trigger warnings: depression, suicide, suicidal thoughts, sexual abuse, rape, detailing of wounds.
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Which is another thing: suicide isn't taken seriously until it's committed to.

Unsuccessful suicide attempts are well known as being disregarded as attention seeking (for which I'll let the irony escape for now) but there's a further subset to where if you've only considered it but taken no action toward it then you really aren't being serious. Which needs to be challenged. Thinking of ending your own life isn't a simple one. People might want to die but few want to die in agony. This is about not living, not dying itself. If you jump from a bridge you risk tearing your body apart but surviving and living life crippled with zero ability. Pills are simple but seem horrific in their action except when coupled with alcohol, but again – you read too many stories about people surviving and coming too in the hospital having fucked their organs. A jump off of a tall building seems like the best way to go but the duration of the fall means you could regret it and be unable to reverse the decision, the same is true of hanging and bleeding out. A gun seems like the easy solution but then how do you find out how to do it well, because if you botch that then you're back with the above. Trains are the immediate solution but then you're impacting another, random, person with your already-waste-of-space life. I have spent a lot of time considering these things in the past.

This is what suicidal thoughts entertain, and it turns out that the human body is quite resilient. That dying is scary even when suicidal and that it's not a case of walking into the local supermarket and picking up the cheapest "erase me" kit. If you're not taking suicidal thoughts seriously before they become actions, then you need to change your mentality. There is no bar that people have to hit before they're "actually suicidal", and any of those barriers could crumble if a signfiicant additional blow is dealt to them in life.

Depression is your mind working against you

Why didn't they seek help? Why did they refuse help? Why did they just push people away that were trying to help? All of these show a massive ignorance towards what depression is like, and that's ok. We need to educate people, and mental illness is a conversation that has long been taboo. So ignorance is expected, but you have to be able to put aside your affront and recognise it's nothing compared to the inner turmoil the person is going through. Depression isn't logical and trying to approach it like it is won't help. When someone can't conceive their own self worth it's near impossible to believe that others can. Depression is your mind telling you that you deserve to feel this way. Depression is your mind telling you that help can only ever be temporary because you're the problem. Depression is your mind telling you to jump, because it's the only way to ensure nothing continues. It is your mind doubting every solution and labouring every negative, it is you telling you to kill yourself. It is the insidious trickery that forces you to live under that weight.

Thankfully I learned to break from it, and you can too. Councilling helps. Talking to people complete disconnected from your life helps.

When I was 16 I placed a bet with my friend at the time for £10 that I wouldn't live until 30. I couldn't see it. I was scraping by day by day purely for others and I couldn't conceive of a happy life so far into the future. It wasn't even dramatic, it was just a certainty to me.

Now I'm two months into being 30, and it's not been an easy road but I have that list and I love it. I have reasons to live outside of dependencies, I have things I love about life. I want to see, I want to travel, I want to experience. I'm in a good job, with a loving partner, in our own home. I live in a beautiful part of the country. We're getting a dog this year, and plan to get married and have children.

However none of that is what turned it around. I am not alive because of my SO (though she has been intrumental in her support of things I've shared). I am not alive because of my job. I am not alive because I have a nice house and money. These are all reasons I enjoy life, but they aren't what saved me. I am what saved me, and you are what will save you. Every day is a win. Every breath is a win. Every time you push those thoughts down enough to continue, it's a win. Every time you crack a little off the shell to let people know how you feel, is a win.

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Trigger warnings: depression, suicide, suicidal thoughts, sexual abuse, rape, detailing of wounds.
---------

Perspective is what allows you to win, and it's what depression robs you of.

Talk to people who know nothing about you. Tell them. Be kind to yourself. Death is final and not going anywhere, so pushing through another day to see what it brings is an overwhelming success. Keep doing that and you will climb out of that well. Even if it seems like there's no footholds, they will come. You'll never lose the memory of being in it, but it's that that will give you the strength to resist it whenever it whispers to you. You just need to keep winning long enough to realise that you and that voice inside your head are not the same, and that you are the greater of the two.

Not everyone gets to that stage though.

Every time I think about this I cry. Every time I talk about it my voice cracks. Every time I feel an immense hole in my heart. It's been 13 years and I can still feel the warmth of the blood on my hands. This is about an incredible woman I once knew, who we'll call Amy here. Amy had been my friend for years and had supported me throughout. Though I could never appreciate it at the time, and only later gained the perspective to do so fully, she was intstrumental in my own survival. She was gentle and warm person but prone to the 'bad lads'. She was also extremely attractive which meant the bad lads went for her, and it meant a ridiculous amount in her acknowledgement of me at the time. She came from an abusive home and was truly a diamond in the rough, so she empathised with a lot of the hurt I was going through and never shied away from spending time with me when her peers would reject me.

Over the years she grew less confident and more timid. She was raped by a boyfriend, abused by another and constantly found herself only in relationships where she was little more than a plaque to her partner. I helped where I could but she withdrew signficantly over time. She started to self-harm, drink excessively and other things that numbed her pain. It killed me to see, but it was impossible to break when I lived miles away and she kept going home to an environment that wasn't safe and detrimental to her health.

One day at 9:37pm I received a text message. I'll never forget the words:

I'm scared. I'm alone. I've messed up. I don't know what to do :( help.

She didn't reply to the next one and I knew this wasn't a joke. I threw myself down the stairs and into the car and drove as fast as I could to where she was staying. No answer on the front door, so I hopped the fence and ran to the back which was open. I called out her name, nothing. I ran upstairs and I saw it. Red drips on the landing, red smears on the walls. I went into the bathroom and crumpled on there she was. Unnaturally white, blood everywhere and crumpled on the floor. I took off my shirt and jumper and did what I could to wrap her arms and stem the flow but I knew fucking zero about first aid. I held her, I screamed out into the street, I softly brushed her hair as she faded slumped against me, waiting for the ambulance. I couldn't save her.

I adored her. I still do. She would have been 30 like me this year, and she would have been the most amazing woman. She would have been the most loving mother, and she could have done so much good for the world.

She can't though, and it tears through me. I know that many people she reached out to for help didn't take it seriously, and I had to stand next to many at the funeral. She was mocked for it, she was called weak and an attention seeker. She was none of them.

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Trigger warnings: depression, suicide, suicidal thoughts, sexual abuse, rape, detailing of wounds.
---------

So I literally beg of anyone to never hand-wave people that are coming out as being suicidal. Berid yourself of any personal bar of "seriousness" that a person has to hit before you take suggestions of suicide seriously, and make sure that every single one of your friends knows that you're there for them. Not in an unspoken way, say that shit to them. Tell them that if they ever feel down that you're there to talk to, regardless of how small or large it might be.

Suicide is still such a hush-subject that people – myself included – still can't openly talk about it even when we're not considering it, because of the baggage it brings. I can't tell anyone in my life chunks of the above currently. It would scare them, because they don't understand mental illness and have thankfully never suffered from it. Today I have to tone down the depression I experienced for the comfort of others, as were I to tell anyone close to me the knowledge that I once very much considered ending my life would apply a veneer instabilty that is neither accurate nor warranted.

This is not healthy. We must become much, much more accepting of suicide as a topic of conversation and as something people deal with. Otherwise we're all awkward on it until another person dies, and that's a horrific way to keep a conversation active. People need to start challenging their own preconceptions about it, need to start realising that suicidal people are people and that in each case you have an opportunity to help and an opportunity to harm.

It doesn't matter if it's a mocking comment on a forum that another depressed user might read or otherwise, it has an impact. It affects the way we, as a whole, treat suicide and it affects the avenues of help people have to survive using. If you find yourself willing to gamble over the life and death of people in misery, purely to throw a meme or a joke in, then you seriously need to reflect on that for a bit.
 

Monkey DTT

Avenger
Oct 28, 2017
1,812
USA West Virginia
Incandenza that sucks about your therapist, I think giving it time and being patient is a good thing but it's been six months and if that relationship isn't working for you it's not working for you. It definitely is really tough to change therapists but my experience is that it's totally worth it. I just changed therapists recently after spending a long time trying to get what I needed with my old therapist, and I'm just making so much more progress with my new therapist, it's challenging but also really great. I actually leave sessions with my new therapist feeling way, way better about myself, which isn't something I've always had.

Monkey, what I'd say about what you're dealing with is that you are not your diagnosis. I know on the Internet there's a lot of skepticism about "self-diagnosis" and encouragement to get diagnosed by a professional, but honestly though they have knowledge and skills beyond the average person you have the advantage of being you. They're not infallible. PTSD is one of those issues that certain people will give you a lot of pushback on. That doesn't mean they're right and you're wrong. Oni is definitely right as well, comorbidities are a thing. Some days I feel like I have everything, and you know what, maybe I do! I've been diagnosed with major depression, bipolar II, schizoid disorder, autism spectrum disorder, hyperactivity (that's what they called it back then), "dual-role transvestism" (seriously why does the ICD-10 have more accurate codes for being sucked into a jet engine than they do for gender dysphoria), PTSD, social anxiety, panic disorder, you know, probably a bunch of other stuff too. That laundry list makes me look like a fucking mess, I'm sure, but I'm really not. I'm honestly a fairly healthy, strong person. I also doubt I actually have all those things, and certainly I haven't been diagnosed with all that stuff at once, but for me the goal of a diagnosis is to help with recovery - which a lot of the diagnoses have!

Were you the one recommending the Pete Walker book upthread? I've been going through it and I think it's utterly fantastic. One can quibble about diagnoses all one likes, but acknowledging and accepting that my parenting wasn't good enough, advocating for myself instead of caping for them, has been really difficult work. Understanding and accepting my trauma has given me the strength do things like actually talk about my emotions with one of my siblings, which has been a great and wonderful thing.

My life just makes so much more sense when seen through the spectrum of trauma, so if someone wants to tell me I don't have PTSD - which happens, there are people who are very traditional and think that like only soldiers and rape victims can have PTSD - you know, I don't need to listen to them or value their perspective over my own. I've had a lot of experiences like that. I've done therapies that some people think are not sufficiently evidence-based. Well, maybe they're not, but I'm dealing with psychological work, and I've been through this long enough that I know when something is good and healthy for me and something isn't. That level of self-trust is earned, and it's a a difficult and delicate thing - you don't want to go too far the other way and not trust anybody but yourself.

Also, if somebody is recommending you therapy your insurance won't cover and you can't afford, that's just not going to be helpful for you. A therapeutic relationship is built on trust and openness. I don't think you should dump your therapist outright - I don't even know how long you've been seeing them, and in the past I've had the instinct to sabotage my recovery by dumping therapists whenever things got too real - but it sounds like you are having some serious trust issues with your therapist, and even though it's hard you should probably try to address those issues up front with them.

Anyway sorry for the wall of text, I have lots of thoughts obviously :)
Yeah always share your thoughts I appreciate your take. I think I'm more accepting if it's the case where I have both but even them I'm always going to feel like I'm not doing enough. I dont know I thought I had me figured out and now I feel farther away.

I'm glad to hear the books helping you, it did for me... at the time. I'm just very confused and I dont know who I am. I was hoping to figure that part out when i leave but now I dont even know what's wrong with me and what isn't so I'm just really confused. I feel really aimless, probably more then I ever have because I dont have certainty of anything. The only thing I know is I want to leave but beyond that I really don't know anything.

The diagnosis doesnt change anything but it also invalidates what I thought I understood so I'm just really uncomfortable because now I dont think I know myself like at all. I'm rambling saying the same things over and over. I'm sure I have trama but like, idk I'm struggling.
 

stan_marsh

Member
Oct 25, 2017
5,407
Canada
I saw your post in the high thread. If you are smoking a lot it can effect your thinking process, believe me I been there. I went to very very dark place because of it. At least if you can't stop change from THC strains to smoke CBD its way better for mental health than THC.(Assuming you smoke).
Other than that. I hope you the best.
Thanks for replying, I stopped about three weeks ago.

The only positive thing is my short term memory is better. Other than that I'm more irritable, and thoughts and voices are more noticeable. Not sure how much more I can take...