Mental Health Era |OT2| Community and Understanding

BakedTanooki

Member
Oct 27, 2017
908
Germany
Fuck my useless self. Why was I born? Becoming more and more numb , I'm going to end this soon.
Dude, it's not your time yet.
The Surge 2 will be out soon.
Hope I assume right that you are waiting for it, because I know you from the OT of the first game.
Need to see your positives vibes in the new OT when it's there :)

It's funny, I don't now much about you, but you left a positive mark somewhere in my brain, just from a few posts of yours that I was reading here and there. Sometimes I randomly wonder if you are still alright, because I too know about the dark places that our brain can throw us into.

As long as you have moments of enjoyment, no matter how small or short, it's still super worth it. Hope you feel a little better right now.
 

dubq

Member
Oct 27, 2017
344
I started taking Pristiq about a week ago.. before that I was on Cipralex and Clonazepam. Does anyone have an idea of how long the "brain fog" lasts with Pristiq? Finding it very difficult to focus.
 
Oct 27, 2017
1,474
Have my first psychiatrist appt today. Been taking Wellbutrin for a while now but not noticing a huge lift. Hopefully I can find something more effective without introducing sexual side effects. I have enough performance anxiety as it is.
 

Yagyujubei

Member
Oct 25, 2017
1,218
in hell
How people successful lives i'll never know. i have nothing to my name and mountain of debt. i'll be old alone and working low end jobs until i die. suicide is the solution in my life.
 

Sirenja

Member
Oct 27, 2017
40
I work on the 11th floor and frequently think about just getting up and jumping out of the window to end this misery. I´m in a callcenter with about 15 ppl on the floor and every time someone sells a product to a customer you´re supposed to ring a bell near your computer (a bright *new* idea to increase sales from our team lead) and I physically flinch every fucking time someone hits that stupid bell. I´m only 33 and don´t know how to get out of this hell - I feel completely worthless...
 

OniLinkPlus

Member
Oct 25, 2017
553
Been having it extra rough lately. Would really appreciate someone to respond and talk to me.

Ever since our stupid mistake two months ago, we've been so incredibly unstable. Our old host rarely come out front anymore, we thought they were dead but they came back after a bit. We've been lashing out at others and ourselves. A few weeks ago we thought an old friend was subtweeting us, so we lashed out in DMs. Which was dumb. Even if they were subtweeting us, it was for bad things that we did, so we deserved it. They had a breakdown because of us and that hit us really hard. They seem to be fine now.

Yesterday we saw one of our friends interacting with one of the former friends who cut us out for our abusive behavior, and that triggered our old host really bad. Which is ridiculous cause we're the ones who did bad things, what right do we have to be upset, especially about innocent people being friends with each other?!

So we went and sent DMs to a few people who cut us out but hadn't blocked us for some reason, requesting they block us, albeit with some rather self flagellating language. One of them thought we were trying to guilt trip them and publicized our DM, which led to basically all of our remaining friends on that social media platform blocking us.

We've deleted the app for that website and are trying not to go back. It's clearly not healthy for us in the slightest. But many of us are becoming increasingly suicidal, saying that because we've hurt people we have no right to live and other such things. We're also becoming more and more concerned - we know our behavior is messed up and wrong, and we hate that we act like this, but we can't seem to stop?? If we really felt bad, wouldn't we be stopping the behavior? We feel completely out of control and it sucks and we want it to stop. It's feeling more and more like we're just irredeemable, abusive pieces of shit and we'll always be this way. What right does someone like that have to live? Some of our thoughts, we don't even know why people see them as bad tbh, which makes it worse.
For example, someone in headspace keeps suggesting we livestream us killing ourselves and make sure the friends we hurt see it, because they hate us and therefore it would make them happy to see us die. We've been told that they would likely be very upset by this, but we honestly don't understand how?

I dunno. I guess I need someone to talk to. My therapist seems to think that because I'm aware of most of my issues, it should be easy for me to fix my behavior, but it's... just not. It's not easy at all. Once I get emotional, it's like I lose all control, and my memory afterwards is so fuzzy that I can't figure out any warning signs I can use to tell myself to back up and give myself time to cool off.
 
OP
OP
Ketkat

Ketkat

Heart & Mind
Member
Oct 25, 2017
3,928
I work on the 11th floor and frequently think about just getting up and jumping out of the window to end this misery. I´m in a callcenter with about 15 ppl on the floor and every time someone sells a product to a customer you´re supposed to ring a bell near your computer (a bright *new* idea to increase sales from our team lead) and I physically flinch every fucking time someone hits that stupid bell. I´m only 33 and don´t know how to get out of this hell - I feel completely worthless...
I'm sorry to hear that you're in a career that is causing you so much stress Sirenja. I've had a little bit of experience working in a call center for a not great company myself in the past, and it was eating me up every day that I went there until the day that I left. While I ultimately couldn't handle that job, what helped me to last as long as I did was to find something productive to work towards outside of work and something that I could see the results on. In my case, I chose to start studying for IT certifications by using books and leaning modules so I could see that I was making progress towards something better. I know that this kind of question is easier said than answered, but if there was anything else that you could be doing for a career, what would you like it to be?

Been having it extra rough lately. Would really appreciate someone to respond and talk to me.

Ever since our stupid mistake two months ago, we've been so incredibly unstable. Our old host rarely come out front anymore, we thought they were dead but they came back after a bit. We've been lashing out at others and ourselves. A few weeks ago we thought an old friend was subtweeting us, so we lashed out in DMs. Which was dumb. Even if they were subtweeting us, it was for bad things that we did, so we deserved it. They had a breakdown because of us and that hit us really hard. They seem to be fine now.

Yesterday we saw one of our friends interacting with one of the former friends who cut us out for our abusive behavior, and that triggered our old host really bad. Which is ridiculous cause we're the ones who did bad things, what right do we have to be upset, especially about innocent people being friends with each other?!

So we went and sent DMs to a few people who cut us out but hadn't blocked us for some reason, requesting they block us, albeit with some rather self flagellating language. One of them thought we were trying to guilt trip them and publicized our DM, which led to basically all of our remaining friends on that social media platform blocking us.

We've deleted the app for that website and are trying not to go back. It's clearly not healthy for us in the slightest. But many of us are becoming increasingly suicidal, saying that because we've hurt people we have no right to live and other such things. We're also becoming more and more concerned - we know our behavior is messed up and wrong, and we hate that we act like this, but we can't seem to stop?? If we really felt bad, wouldn't we be stopping the behavior? We feel completely out of control and it sucks and we want it to stop. It's feeling more and more like we're just irredeemable, abusive pieces of shit and we'll always be this way. What right does someone like that have to live? Some of our thoughts, we don't even know why people see them as bad tbh, which makes it worse.
For example, someone in headspace keeps suggesting we livestream us killing ourselves and make sure the friends we hurt see it, because they hate us and therefore it would make them happy to see us die. We've been told that they would likely be very upset by this, but we honestly don't understand how?

I dunno. I guess I need someone to talk to. My therapist seems to think that because I'm aware of most of my issues, it should be easy for me to fix my behavior, but it's... just not. It's not easy at all. Once I get emotional, it's like I lose all control, and my memory afterwards is so fuzzy that I can't figure out any warning signs I can use to tell myself to back up and give myself time to cool off.
Hey Oni, thank you for taking the time to share this with us. I understand where you're coming from where you mention that you keep making the same mistakes and wonder if you really feel bad because of it. The truth is, changing who we are and the way that we react to things that stress us out is never as simple as we want it to be and it's all too easy to fall back into old habits in the heat of the moment. That does not mean that you don't feel bad about the things that you've done or are doing, or that you don't want to be better, but that you're human and it takes a lot of time and effort to internalize a healthier way to cope with those feelings.

I'm glad to hear that you're already talking with a therapist, but there's definitely a difference between being able to notice a problem and finding the solution, especially when it involves ourselves. Would you be willing to tell us about some of the coping mechanisms that you've tried to calm yourself down when you're feeling too emotional?
 

OniLinkPlus

Member
Oct 25, 2017
553
Hey Oni, thank you for taking the time to share this with us. I understand where you're coming from where you mention that you keep making the same mistakes and wonder if you really feel bad because of it. The truth is, changing who we are and the way that we react to things that stress us out is never as simple as we want it to be and it's all too easy to fall back into old habits in the heat of the moment. That does not mean that you don't feel bad about the things that you've done or are doing, or that you don't want to be better, but that you're human and it takes a lot of time and effort to internalize a healthier way to cope with those feelings.

I'm glad to hear that you're already talking with a therapist, but there's definitely a difference between being able to notice a problem and finding the solution, especially when it involves ourselves. Would you be willing to tell us about some of the coping mechanisms that you've tried to calm yourself down when you're feeling too emotional?
Honestly that does help a lot. Behavior can't change overnight, especially when the behavior comes up when I become emotional and lose self control. It's going to take a lot of practice to change my behavior, even if I hate it. I need to keep reminding myself of that.

Honestly, I don't have much I can use at this time to calm myself down. When I get emotional, everything gets fuzzy and I black out to an extent. I lose a lot of internal awareness. I have been able to recall one thing though, and it makes it very hard to find coping mechanisms: When I'm upset, I do not want to interact with anything or anyone I enjoy or find calming, as I'm terrified of forming a negative association. For example, one of my exes got me into Metroid. I cannot play Metroid anymore, the mere thought of playing those games makes me want to bawl.
 

Nikus

Avenger
Oct 25, 2017
3,849
France
It's been a while since I posted here.
I've seen my psychiatrist for the first time in seven years. I was afraid he would be a bit irked because last time I just didn't show up at my appointment and that was it, and I've regretted it since. But I guess they're used to this sort of behavior, and I'll be sure to tell him if I want to stop my therapy this time.
It was funny when I called to take the appointment and talked to his secretary, because she told me that he couldn't take any new appointment until november at least. But then I told her that I used to see him years ago and she asked my name, then she found my file. I don't know what was in my file but she was like "oh wow... uh... august 10th works for you?".
lol... good thing they keep track of these things.

Anyway, it went well I guess, I was relieved he took me seriously because it's always a fear I have, to be dismissed or taken lightly. Since I've had suicidal thoughts again lately, and I've been stressed out of my mind with panic attacks getting worse, he told me I should seriously consider going into a psychiatric hospital for a while, and since I did already consider it, I said I was okay with it, but we'll talk about it again next time. I've never done that before so it's a bit scary, but the thought of being completely cut away from the world for a good while is rather tempting. I'm even worried that the hard part for me would be to leave.
Anyone here went into a mental institution at some point? A friend of mine told me it's not as bad as many people think, and that it can be really... I don't know, soothing? Then again, I guess it can depend greatly on the country. I'm in France btw, so I think mental health treatments and psychiatric care are pretty good here, compared to other parts of the world.
 
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stan_marsh

Member
Oct 25, 2017
6,244
Canada
Dude, it's not your time yet.
The Surge 2 will be out soon.
Hope I assume right that you are waiting for it, because I know you from the OT of the first game.
Need to see your positives vibes in the new OT when it's there :)

It's funny, I don't now much about you, but you left a positive mark somewhere in my brain, just from a few posts of yours that I was reading here and there. Sometimes I randomly wonder if you are still alright, because I too know about the dark places that our brain can throw us into.

As long as you have moments of enjoyment, no matter how small or short, it's still super worth it. Hope you feel a little better right now.
Thanks for replying, it's hard to enjoy things knowing I'm screwed in a couple months (living off credit cards right now and just putting on more debt only paying the min balance) and getting hired this unstable is hard, I have no luck with any applications or I'll bomb interviews horribly.
No job + PTSD, major depression, anxiety = putting me in a really dark corner.
I have a appointment mid Sept for another therapist (I got this appointment two months ago, it's so backlogged here.)
Hopefully they give me different meds as Cipralex (lexapro) didn't work for me @ the max dosage.

I'm trying so hard to not give into the dark thoughts.

Surge 2 will be 10/10 from the looks of it.
 

Mack

Member
May 30, 2019
424
So I've been on antidepressants for year and a half, trying to deal with depression and anxiety built up from all the shit that happened in my life.

Tried Prozac, Wellbutrin, Venlafaxine and now I'm on Duloxetine. Prozac seemed to work a bit for a couple of months, Wellbutrin haven't had any effect and Venlafaxine made me feel like coming down from speed.

Now I'm taking Duloxetine for about a month and my frame of mind seems to be in a better condition, but I'm still unmotivated and it's quite hard for me to do anything. Should I suggest my psychiatrist to change my meds again or should I wait for Duloxetine to kick in? My dose is 90 mg.
 

Monkey DTT

Avenger
Oct 28, 2017
2,247
USA West Virginia
So I've been on antidepressants for year and a half, trying to deal with depression and anxiety built up from all the shit that happened in my life.

Tried Prozac, Wellbutrin, Venlafaxine and now I'm on Duloxetine. Prozac seemed to work a bit for a couple of months, Wellbutrin haven't had any effect and Venlafaxine made me feel like coming down from speed.

Now I'm taking Duloxetine for about a month and my frame of mind seems to be in a better condition, but I'm still unmotivated and it's quite hard for me to do anything. Should I suggest my psychiatrist to change my meds again or should I wait for Duloxetine to kick in? My dose is 90 mg.
I'd let the meds do their thing and then talk to your psychiatrist about the effects next appointment. If nothing else I'mglad to hear youre in a good frame of mind. ^_^
 

Mack

Member
May 30, 2019
424
I'd let the meds do their thing and then talk to your psychiatrist about the effects next appointment. If nothing else I'mglad to hear youre in a good frame of mind. ^_^
Well, I'd say it's manageable. The thing is I utterly lack motivation, but I desperately need to push my life forward in terms of work and family life. The added anxiety makes it even harder.

All the meds I've taken have the most effect on the brain's serotonin balance. Maybe I lack dopamine? Would make sense after almost 4 years of abusing the fuck of meth, amph and an occasional pinch of coke.
 

Monkey DTT

Avenger
Oct 28, 2017
2,247
USA West Virginia
Well, I'd say it's manageable. The thing is I utterly lack motivation, but I desperately need to push my life forward in terms of work and family life. The added anxiety makes it even harder.

All the meds I've taken have the most effect on the brain's serotonin balance. Maybe I lack dopamine? Would make sense after almost 4 years of abusing the fuck of meth, amph and an occasional pinch of coke.
I wish i knew more to help with this. I'm rooting for you but im sorry I'm not to helpful. Worth talking to your psychiatrist though, hopefully they can help
 

RoyalJCC

Member
Oct 27, 2017
378
The fear of the future and the fear of having no company wanting to hire me after having a one year gap is killing me. I constantly think about it, at this rate I'm simply going to reject the scholarship.

I'm too scared to do anything. I'm fucking tired.

EDIT: Maybe I should just stick to being a meh guy with no fucking direction and just working on this shit because my degree says so. Fuck all of this, I'm tired.
 
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Mack

Member
May 30, 2019
424
The fear of the future and the fear of having no company wanting to hire me after having a one year gap is killing me. I constantly think about it, at this rate I'm simply going to reject the scholarship.

I'm too scared to do anything. I'm fucking tired.

EDIT: Maybe I should just stick to being a meh guy with no fucking direction and just working on this shit because my degree says so. Fuck all of this, I'm tired.
Go and see a therapist/psychologist/career advisor, no need to fight with yourself.
 

Jzeero

Member
Oct 25, 2017
2,739
California
Just finished watching Neon Genesis and it made me realize how annoying it must be for "normal" people to listen to depressed people talk. Definitely won't be talking about depressing topics now haha.
 

Awesome Kev

Member
Jan 10, 2018
1,258
Daytona Beach
Kind of intimidated to just jump into the middle of this topic but here goes.

Like all of us, I've been through a lot of shit, but things have been looking very up over the last year and a half. There have been highs and lows, and the highs have been some of the best of my life... the lows have been pretty low, however I can't say the worst of my life, but still pretty low. I guess I just have a question, and I don't know if there is an answer to or not, but just gonna throw it out there...

I've recently been feeling some of these "lows" and get the feeling like I'm going to burst out crying, but then the tears never come. Why?

I don't mean why do I feel like I'm going to cry, but why are the tears not coming when they are right there? I'd be down for a good cry but it's like it just can't happen now and it's making me feel even more depressed, like I'm broken to the point that I can't even cry now, you know? what the fuck
 
Oct 25, 2017
167
I broke down and cried when I got home from work today. Nothing bad happened at work but I had a sense of anxiety mixed with some depression all day and it came to a head on my drive home.

I feel better now.
 
Mar 9, 2018
358
So my doctor prescribed xanax. My therapist is asking that I no longer allow negative thoughts. This has helped a bit.

Still sometimes at night I have these intense panic attacks where nothing I tell myself overcomes the feeling of dread.

Should I try taking the xanax to help me sleep?
Would it be okay to take a. 25 pill then?

No one has given me any great advice on how to take it, like when, except just before a panic attack.

I seem to be having those at night.
 

Ether_Snake

Member
Oct 29, 2017
4,862
I don't post in this thread usually because even if I have my own moments of depression, I try to avoid thinking about it. But one thing I really recommend is to read books if you don't already. I'm sure it's not a solution on its own, plenty of people who read books have depression too, but if you don't usually read I think it can help. Sometimes I'll have trouble even picking up a book but I never regret reading one once I do (unless it's boring but I usually figure that out early and drop them, but most aren't). It has also helped to have something to talk about with other people who enjoy reading.

Like I said, it's not a solution, but before I read I would often just browse the net in circles. It has given me an alternative that I wish I had taken up on earlier.

Hope it can help someone!
 

Mack

Member
May 30, 2019
424
So my doctor prescribed xanax. My therapist is asking that I no longer allow negative thoughts. This has helped a bit.

Still sometimes at night I have these intense panic attacks where nothing I tell myself overcomes the feeling of dread.

Should I try taking the xanax to help me sleep?
Would it be okay to take a. 25 pill then?

No one has given me any great advice on how to take it, like when, except just before a panic attack.

I seem to be having those at night.
There's no philosophy to taking Xanax. If you're starting to feel uneasy/on the brink of a panic attack, just take one .25 pill.
 

Monkey DTT

Avenger
Oct 28, 2017
2,247
USA West Virginia
Therapy was super hard this morning but it was very very needed. We had to look at my thought process as a chain and I kind of had to relive my worst moments. But its clear doing that what's wrong I keep punishing myself for thoughts that go in my head rather then my actions. I've been given more worksheets to do about interpreting emotions but I have to allow myself to feel even just as a chemical reaction.

DBT (well dbt through my cbt therapist until I move) has been really hard for me I'm not gonna lie and I'm still struggling but like idk I'm still glad how far I've come. I used my skills I've learned to go to the hospital instead of do something stupid last week.

Wont lie i know have havent been as active or as helpful as I used to have been but I appreciate yall. Also one thing of note I'm now positive my mother had BPD and I inherited it, I hate I learned this right after she died instead of when I could have talked to her about it. I keep jumping from I hate her to I miss her alot but I think I understand her better anyway
 

Mezentine

Member
Oct 25, 2017
3,558
Hi everyone, does anyone have any experience with serious anxiety flaring up in adulthood? Someone I love is having some serious issues with anxiety around tiny things that she recognizes are inconsequential, and part of what scares her is that she doesn't think she was like this a couple years ago (she's 25). Is it normal to suddenly have something develop seemingly out of the blue?
 

Mr.F

Member
Oct 26, 2017
2,805
Been having a really horrible time with debilitating health anxiety this past month. Experiencing unsettling physiological symptoms (weak legs, tingling feet) that have me all but convinced I have MS, but the handful of doctors I've seen don't seem immediately concerned that it's anything neurological.

I know I should take their word for it but I feel like nobody is taking things as seriously as the internet advises to since anything that hints at neuro symptoms seems like gravely bad news. I've never dealt with this stuff before and feel outright terrified. I'm hoping it's nothing but the ambiguity around the duration of symptoms and no clear answer as to why they're otherwise present makes me really concerned that i'm missing something or not advocating for myself as much as I should be.
 

Tic Tac

Member
Oct 29, 2017
383
Why can't I kill myself? I have tried so many times but never go through with it and I wish I could. I know tomorrow is just going to be more emotional pain, and I'm at my limit with this shit. Tried hanging myself just a few moments ago using 2 scarfs tied togeather. I just stood there with it wrapped around my neck while sobbing. Since that did not work I took my moms alcohol bottle and just attempted to drink all of it. Tastes like shit honestly, so I couldn't drink as much as I wanted. Hoped it would help kill myself, as maybe id feel tipsy while standing on the chair, but the rope freaking broke, and I just stopped after that. Like, I can't even cut myself and I've tried, but like I can't draw any blood, so it's all just annoying. I am having an incredibly hard time dealing with this pain inside me, and it's just been going on for months. I do not understand why I want to live, but it seems I do and I hate it. Please just let me die. Why can't I die? You know, all I wanted was to just be happy, but it seems like this unattainable thing that is out of my reach. Of course, life is not fair and I know that. Some people get to be happy and others don't. Guess I don't. Oh well...whatever.
 

bahorel

Member
Oct 25, 2017
266
Every day I wake up to the bad news of the world and today it’s been exceptionally hard seeing the long list of debilitating climate change consequences going around twitter reminding us that we’re fucked and there’s nothing that can be done. I want out so badly. I stand by my decision to be single forever so I can kill myself whenever I feel like it whenever I’m ready so I don’t hurt anyone else who hasn’t been connected to me yet. Nothing distracts me and nothing makes me happy all I can do is sit here and think how nothing is going to get better and in fact is actively being made worse by all the corrupt monsters in wealth and power. The earth is dying faster every day and I don’t want to be around this anymore. I don’t understand how other people can go about their day and think of other things. How they can have fun and think of anything else. I can’t concentrate. I already take meds and go to therapy but what’s that going to do. My therapist can’t do shit about the world so how can that possibly make me feel any better. I hate being like this and I hate spending every day in obsessive misery but the thought of trying to reach out and make bonds, least of all date anyone sounds not only impossible but useless.

I’m haunted every day by the death that is coming for us.
 

Weiss

Member
Oct 25, 2017
18,433
I had an amazing experience with my counselor I want to share today.

I've wasted my youth. I'm 26 now, and I can bluntly say that 18 - 25, the so called best years of life, I threw away on nothing.

And I am fucking livid about that. I spent that time working with no idea, then taking courses I sucked at, and then two years trying to find a job where I had no skill. When it all came crashing down on me that my life had gone the way it had, I think that's when my depression really kicked into overdrive and never let up.

And you know what? It's okay that I'm angry. It's okay that I'm grieving that time lost. It's okay that I'm furious that I lost all that time, because I'm never getting it back. I'm right to be angry, and I'm going to keep on being angry, but I'm not just going to wallow in it anymore. I'm gonna carry that weight and keep trying to be a better person and when I'm ready, when I feel well and truly comfortable with who I am, that's when I'll let it go.
 
I've wasted my youth. I'm 26 now, and I can bluntly say that 18 - 25, the so called best years of life, I threw away on nothing.
I'm 25 and lemme say this... we're still very young. Very few people at our age has figured out who they are and what they want in life. I don't let society and people guilt trip me for figuring things out at 25. Its easier said than done because society tends to act like 18-25 are glory years when its not true.

Heck, I still feel 18 lol
 

Weiss

Member
Oct 25, 2017
18,433
I'm 25 and lemme say this... we're still very young. Very few people at our age has figured out who they are and what they want in life. I don't let society and people guilt trip me for figuring things out at 25. Its easier said than done because society tends to act like 18-25 are glory years when its not true.

Heck, I still feel 18 lol
That's the thing I learned today. I don't have to throw away the anger, because I'm not ready yet. I'm not ready to outgrow it, or move on, or anything. I'm gonna carry it and that's okay, because the rest of my life isn't defined by that time wasted.
 
That's the thing I learned today. I don't have to throw away the anger, because I'm not ready yet. I'm not ready to outgrow it, or move on, or anything. I'm gonna carry it and that's okay, because the rest of my life isn't defined by that time wasted.
I like what you're saying but I ain't liking the "wasted" part. Everything you go through is a growing experience... especially the bad and rough times. You're still very young. You can always pursue your dreams and goals right now. Develop a easy schedule and jump for it.
 

Weiss

Member
Oct 25, 2017
18,433
I like what you're saying but I ain't liking the "wasted" part. Everything you go through is a growing experience... especially the bad and rough times. You're still very young. You can always pursue your dreams and goals right now. Develop a easy schedule and jump for it.
I'm sure there will be a time where I look back on it and laugh, but for now I'm okay calling it wasted. The important thing for me is that I acknowledge it without wallowing it in anymore until I'm ready to let it go.
 

Monkey DTT

Avenger
Oct 28, 2017
2,247
USA West Virginia
Why can't I kill myself? I have tried so many times but never go through with it and I wish I could. I know tomorrow is just going to be more emotional pain, and I'm at my limit with this shit. Tried hanging myself just a few moments ago using 2 scarfs tied togeather. I just stood there with it wrapped around my neck while sobbing. Since that did not work I took my moms alcohol bottle and just attempted to drink all of it. Tastes like shit honestly, so I couldn't drink as much as I wanted. Hoped it would help kill myself, as maybe id feel tipsy while standing on the chair, but the rope freaking broke, and I just stopped after that. Like, I can't even cut myself and I've tried, but like I can't draw any blood, so it's all just annoying. I am having an incredibly hard time dealing with this pain inside me, and it's just been going on for months. I do not understand why I want to live, but it seems I do and I hate it. Please just let me die. Why can't I die? You know, all I wanted was to just be happy, but it seems like this unattainable thing that is out of my reach. Of course, life is not fair and I know that. Some people get to be happy and others don't. Guess I don't. Oh well...whatever.
Hi friend before anything first I want to say I'm glad to see you posting here. Theres no worse feeling then not being seen and having everything bottled up. I like to relate my experiences to people here and while I dont know what you're going through and can never pretend to I do know the state of mind before am attempt.

So also had more attempts then I can count. I've done the wrist cutting, i had a purposeful car accident, I've literally bought a gun and then pawned it off which is something not even the closest people in my life know I've ever done.

I have borderline personality and c-ptsd so I tend to lose alot of friends or over react to things often. Usually before the attempt I think it's like a combo of "I dont deserve to live " and "I can finally stop the damn pain".

When you're in that headspace you feel truly alone, at least for me I keep wanting help i might have a cry for attention but I'm also scared of the same attention. I still have problems with it, almost had an attempt literally a week ago but I'm getting better through therapy and being an annoying prick on this site lol.

If you want to talk you can message me, hell join our discord we got some good people in there. With the discord you dont even have to talk, you're welcome to lurk until youve warmed to the pool so to sprak. But whats important I'm trying to say is you're seen, I dont know you or you're story but I want you okay and i really dont want you hurt.
 
Oct 25, 2017
648
Hi friend before anything first I want to say I'm glad to see you posting here. Theres no worse feeling then not being seen and having everything bottled up. I like to relate my experiences to people here and while I dont know what you're going through and can never pretend to I do know the state of mind before am attempt.

So also had more attempts then I can count. I've done the wrist cutting, i had a purposeful car accident, I've literally bought a gun and then pawned it off which is something not even the closest people in my life know I've ever done.

I have borderline personality and c-ptsd so I tend to lose alot of friends or over react to things often. Usually before the attempt I think it's like a combo of "I dont deserve to live " and "I can finally stop the damn pain".

When you're in that headspace you feel truly alone, at least for me I keep wanting help i might have a cry for attention but I'm also scared of the same attention. I still have problems with it, almost had an attempt literally a week ago but I'm getting better through therapy and being an annoying prick on this site lol.

If you want to talk you can message me, hell join our discord we got some good people in there. With the discord you dont even have to talk, you're welcome to lurk until youve warmed to the pool so to sprak. But whats important I'm trying to say is you're seen, I dont know you or you're story but I want you okay and i really dont want you hurt.
I'm interested in an interview invite if it's okay with everyone.
 

OniLinkPlus

Member
Oct 25, 2017
553
There's a Discord? If it's ok, I'd like an invite. I'll try not to bounce out, I have a habit of doing that when I get overwhelmed, but Discord's server folders have been helping me keep it more organized and feeling "under control"
 

Nikus

Avenger
Oct 25, 2017
3,849
France
There's a Discord? If it's ok, I'd like an invite. I'll try not to bounce out, I have a habit of doing that when I get overwhelmed, but Discord's server folders have been helping me keep it more organized and feeling "under control"
Yeah the server folders are a godsend. I didn't know how much I needed it until it was there.

I've been on the discord for a long time but I need to post more.

Also, two nights ago I was wasted and posted on facebook about my coming hospitalisation, then I slept/passed out for ten hours and I've been feeling even worse since because my mental health issues are something I try to hid from most people. And I can't help but feel ashamed about it, which is wrong, I know... I'm just mad and stressed out because I lost control and shared information I didn't want to share. Now it must seem like I just wanted attention and maybe that was the case when I posted but I'm 100% positive that my non-drunk self doesn't want that.
Fuck -__-
 

Monkey DTT

Avenger
Oct 28, 2017
2,247
USA West Virginia
Hey yall, just wanted to check in with everyone. I'm holding up, just trying to take things day by day. Excerising had actually been really helpful, every day I keep putting my hand on my chest and noticing things getting tighter lol. Still have a long road to go but the roadtrip with my partner is coming up in October so I glad to say I'm in decent spirits for the time being
 

Yagyujubei

Member
Oct 25, 2017
1,218
in hell
I wish my life could be a Korean drama and I would play the handsome guy that finds his love. Sadly my whole life is the opposite. Guys I like are either straight or gay and dont like me. I wonder if death is an endless beautiful dream. Even if i cannot have any dream in life come true maybe death is an endless sleep and i can dream a reality in which i am handsome and i do meet someone and i find the career i like. Seeing people with husbands and wives and kids makes me feel as if i am living in a bubble suit unable to have or worthy of having anything good in life. My birthday is coming up and the only gift i want is the will power to commit suicide.
 

Gilver

Member
Nov 14, 2018
2,013
Costa Rica
I just need a partner in life that can give me love. But its hard to find love when you have been loveless for so long and dont have a single clue when it comes to finding a partner. Isolation and alcohol is killing me and im only 23. Dont see myself getting to 30 unless a miracle person finds something redeeming in who I am but that seems unlikely. I dont know how I havent been fired but I somehow get fed and get dressed for work most of the time.
I dont need a professional I just need someone to watch netflix with.
~all you need is love~

ED: I would also like an invite to the discord, I need to install discord and dont know how to use it but anything is something at this point. Do people talk verbally in the discord?
 
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stan_marsh

Member
Oct 25, 2017
6,244
Canada
Why do I continue to wake up everyday? Why can't I just die in my sleep.

Fucking hell, so tired of this bullshit.

Still trying to put together a plan that I can't botch to end this shit life