Mental Health Era |OT2| Community and Understanding

OP
OP
Ketkat
Oct 25, 2017
3,444
A little over two years ago I had a bout of Psychosis. I never ended up having to stay in hospital because of it, but I did live under the delusion for months before it came to a head. Luckily here in the UK we have a good mental health service, the early intervention team really did a lot for me. I finished up my two years of therapy and medication, I have been without either for a few months now. The Psychiatrist diagnosed me with Schizoaffective disorder and GAD.

I recently started dating, and I don't know if I can handle the stress of being in a relationship. We've only been dating for a little over a month, but as soon as the first problem in the relationship happened my GAD just went haywire. I've been having intrusive thoughts that have been really effecting my mood, I have moments even days when everything is fine. Eventually though I fall back into the same brain booby traps and the cycle starts again. I like this girl, and she knows that I had a bout of Psychosis. I am afraid that my mental health is going to break us apart. If we do break up, I don't know how long it will be before I'll be able to muster the courage to date again. In some ways I feel like a person learning how to walk again, but instead of the muscles being atrophied they are overpowered and wrecking everything.

I'm going to contact my GP tomorrow and see if they can help get me in contact with a therapist, and if they think I should go back on my meds I will.
Hey BarrBarr, thank you for sharing this with us. I think that all of the feelings that you're experiencing surrounding this relationship are perfectly normal. If she's aware that you've had a bout of Psychosis before, I would imagine that she'll be a little more understanding than the regular person and that she will be supportive how she can. I'm really glad that you're going to see your GP and see about contacting with a therapist.

When you're dealing with anxiety, do you have any coping mechanisms that you typically rely on?

I don’t know what to do anymore... even if I could find a job I can’t imagine myself being anything but miserable. It doesn’t feel like I was ever meant to live a full life.
I can understand those feelings all too well Driggonny. I've definitely been in the same boat in the past where it can be hard to see a future where someone who is trans can be happy. But, it is definitely possible and I know that you'll make it there. Finding a job won't be the solution to all of your problems by any means, but it will open up a lot of paths for you that you'll be able to take and continuously improve and show the world who's boss. I really do mean this, we're here for you to help you figure out any steps that you need to take to get there too. If you're ever struggling or want to vent, we will be here always.
 
Oct 28, 2017
1,188
Therapy again tomorrow and I want to do is hide from it. I've been actively drawing and exercising, trying to write a little and most of this week been okay. But I cant stop hating myself, I thought I was past this. I actively hate myself so much, and because of that I cant be proud of the steps I've taken. "I'm too stupid to get better, my steps are meaningless because I'm going to drop everything, your drawings are garbage and you'll never make anything anyone would ever like, you'll never eat well enough for excerise to make a difference, the moment you write something it becomes literal garbage" ugh. I wish I could be anyone else or not exist.
 
OP
OP
Ketkat
Oct 25, 2017
3,444
Therapy again tomorrow and I want to do is hide from it. I've been actively drawing and exercising, trying to write a little and most of this week been okay. But I cant stop hating myself, I thought I was past this. I actively hate myself so much, and because of that I cant be proud of the steps I've taken. "I'm too stupid to get better, my steps are meaningless because I'm going to drop everything, your drawings are garbage and you'll never make anything anyone would ever like, you'll never eat well enough for excerise to make a difference, the moment you write something it becomes literal garbage" ugh. I wish I could be anyone else or not exist.
Hey monkey, thank you for sharing this. It's completely understandable to have those feelings when you're struggling, and I think those thoughts are something that a lot of us can recognize in ourselves. They're tough to deal with on our own, and a therapist is great for helping work through them. Did you end up going to your appointment?
 
Oct 28, 2017
1,188
Hey monkey, thank you for sharing this. It's completely understandable to have those feelings when you're struggling, and I think those thoughts are something that a lot of us can recognize in ourselves. They're tough to deal with on our own, and a therapist is great for helping work through them. Did you end up going to your appointment?
I just got home, we are going to work on being able to properly separate my emotions and thoughts that are unproductive from my values so it was a good session. I just want to go to bed but I promised I would do a little drawing and excerise before I collapse. Im still in a dark ass place but I'm working on it.
 
Oct 25, 2017
8,086
Meh, today's been a low point. Whenever someone says they care it feels like theres a little footnote there that says they only care because they'd feel guilty/responsible if something happened and they ignored it. Makes me avoid speaking to them because it changes the dynamic of the friendship. It makes me feel like I'm a bomb being handled and that from that point on they're gonna be wary of me or avoid me because I'm not fun to be around. But then I end up in that situation where I don't talk to anyone I trust because I don't want the criticism. Part of me wishes they were just more straightforward with it, or that I was better with people
 
OP
OP
Ketkat
Oct 25, 2017
3,444
I just got home, we are going to work on being able to properly separate my emotions and thoughts that are unproductive from my values so it was a good session. I just want to go to bed but I promised I would do a little drawing and excerise before I collapse. Im still in a dark ass place but I'm working on it.
I'm really glad that you powered through and went to your session today Monkey! I'm proud of you, and it sounds like you two have a great plan in mind to work on too! Get some good rest!

Meh, today's been a low point. Whenever someone says they care it feels like theres a little footnote there that says they only care because they'd feel guilty/responsible if something happened and they ignored it. Makes me avoid speaking to them because it changes the dynamic of the friendship. It makes me feel like I'm a bomb being handled and that from that point on they're gonna be wary of me or avoid me because I'm not fun to be around. But then I end up in that situation where I don't talk to anyone I trust because I don't want the criticism. Part of me wishes they were just more straightforward with it, or that I was better with people
Hey Z-Beat. It's pretty normal to feel that way when we're feeling low. Personally speaking, I'm always glad to be there to support friends and people that I care about, although I do know that some of them are concerned about the same kind of feelings that you have. Do you have any reason to believe that they feel like they only care for those reasons?
 
Oct 25, 2017
8,086
Hey Z-Beat. It's pretty normal to feel that way when we're feeling low. Personally speaking, I'm always glad to be there to support friends and people that I care about, although I do know that some of them are concerned about the same kind of feelings that you have. Do you have any reason to believe that they actually think this way?
It always feels that way based on interactions with me vs interactions with other people. I don't think I've ever not felt like I could get dropped at any time. There always seems like there's a reason to interact with me, not so much "just because"
 
Oct 27, 2017
1,026
Every time I'm seeing people I know succeed, it keeps giving me a reality check on how behind I am in life.
I really want to stop living such a "loser" and unfulfilling life.
I know I shouldn't compare and stuff, but the gap between me and other folks is so huge that it isn't even normal anymore...
Fuck...
 
Oct 28, 2017
1,188
I'm really glad that you powered through and went to your session today Monkey! I'm proud of you, and it sounds like you two have a great plan in mind to work on too! Get some good rest!
Thank you :3 I think really trying to learn to draw was a good idea. Energy is being used to something that's actively improving so it's a very positive thing
 
Oct 27, 2017
3,899
Alabama
Lately, I've been so tired that I get home and just go to bed. I quit taking my meds, and I think I've just given up on going to a doctor. I'll be 35 next month, and I try to tell myself to hold on for at least 10 more years and maybe my family won't need me. I have nothing left and I'm just kind of waiting now.
 
OP
OP
Ketkat
Oct 25, 2017
3,444
It always feels that way based on interactions with me vs interactions with other people. I don't think I've ever not felt like I could get dropped at any time. There always seems like there's a reason to interact with me, not so much "just because"
I see. Being able to see the difference in actions can definitely be a bit hurtful, and I can understand why you feel the way that you do. I have had similar feelings in the past, and I've seen others bring this up in a couple of other discords, but I think it's just worth opening up and talking about how you feel in these situations. It can be a bit difficult to do, but I've always found that a lot of those feelings for me were perceptions that I felt were true, but had never been confirmed, and just talking about it some helped clear things up in a positive way. Would that be something that you're willing to try?

Every time I'm seeing people I know succeed, it keeps giving me a reality check on how behind I am in life.
I really want to stop living such a "loser" and unfulfilling life.
I know I shouldn't compare and stuff, but the gap between me and other folks is so huge that it isn't even normal anymore...
Fuck...
I can understand that feeling Saifu. While it isn't really healthy to compare our lives to others, it can be a bit difficult at times. It's important to keep in mind that everyone is going through life at their own pace, and you don't have the full picture on anyone else's life but yours, so it's definitely possible that you're being harsher on yourself than you realize.

Would be willing to tell us a little bit about what kind of goals you have? Where is it that you'd like to be right now?

Lately, I've been so tired that I get home and just go to bed. I quit taking my meds, and I think I've just given up on going to a doctor. I'll be 35 next month, and I try to tell myself to hold on for at least 10 more years and maybe my family won't need me. I have nothing left and I'm just kind of waiting now.
Hey Jombie, thank you for opening up about this. If you don't feel that your meds are working for you, then I would really recommend talking to your doctor about it. I know how disappointing it can be to put in all the effort of going to a doctor and not getting the results you want, but it's a bit of a process to find the meds or the right kind of therapy that will work for you. Would you be willing to open up a bit about what's bothering you right now?
 
Oct 25, 2017
8,086
I see. Being able to see the difference in actions can definitely be a bit hurtful, and I can understand why you feel the way that you do. I have had similar feelings in the past, and I've seen others bring this up in a couple of other discords, but I think it's just worth opening up and talking about how you feel in these situations. It can be a bit difficult to do, but I've always found that a lot of those feelings for me were perceptions that I felt were true, but had never been confirmed, and just talking about it some helped clear things up in a positive way. W
Maybe. I wouldn't want them to feel like they have to alter their behavior around me though, or seem needy
 
Oct 27, 2017
3,899
Alabama
I don't know what bothers me, honestly. I'm just tired and bored of everything. If I didn't have to work or I was deprived of responsibility, I'd probably just sit somewhere and drink myself to death. I don't get anything out of life, I was trying to improve myself for my family but I know it won't last because that's not a good enough reason -- because maybe I just don't care enough to get better.

I don't know what life is sans depression. It's engrained in my identity and have no clue who I am without it. I'm just now realizing how bad it really is, as I've gaslit myself my entire life because I've always been told to 'get over it.' My wife can't talk to me about it now without crying and my child is starting to sound like me -- my nine-year-old girl said she wanted to kill herself. That's my fault, plain and simple. I'm just trapped in a cycle of guilt, shame and terror.

I'm really angry with my mother and sister. I've never once been extended a hand or asked if I was 'OK' -- just told that people have it worse than I do. My sister is aware of the issues I've had but has never had anything to say about it, but once babbied her rich brother-in-law who was 'going through a tough time' and made dinner for him. I lost most of my family when my parents divorced when I was 17 and no attempt was made by anyone to help me.

I always have a sense of malayse, but I'll usually recover from a bad downturn of depression in 2-3 weeks and this is going on 8 months now. It's the first time I've had to reach out to a suicide hotline and I would normally NEVER do that.

Thank you for your support, ketkat.
 
Oct 29, 2017
320
Germany
I have a avoidant personality disorder and agoraphobia and its been eating me alive the past weeks and I dont even know why it would all of the sudden get worse. I dont think anything significant happend that would cause that or, the fact that I havent changed anything is exactly what caused it. I wish rational thinking would do anything about it, its so damn exhausting
 
May 31, 2018
3,756
Sorry if this isn't really related but I've got nowhere else to post this.

Well I've done it again. Once more my own laziness, fear and lack of any sort of social skills has made me completely fuck up an opportunity that I would have loved. I've gone through three years of university thinking "this'll be the year I get really involved with the film society so I can kick-start my dream of making my own film!." My third year is nearly over and it's literally too late to do that now. I've wasted nearly 21 years of my life and I've got no fucking clue what my life is going to look like when I'm out in the real world. I've got no real friends (and only 1 'friend'), have never had any romantic interests, I constantly fuck up any opportunity I have, and I don't even like what things I have achieved. I'd say that I just want someone to tell me I don't deserve my current situation but the truth is I know I do.
 
Oct 27, 2017
1,026
I can understand that feeling Saifu. While it isn't really healthy to compare our lives to others, it can be a bit difficult at times. It's important to keep in mind that everyone is going through life at their own pace, and you don't have the full picture on anyone else's life but yours, so it's definitely possible that you're being harsher on yourself than you realize.

Would be willing to tell us a little bit about what kind of goals you have? Where is it that you'd like to be right now?
I'm turning 27 this year, and I feel like I failed at growing up. I'm still stuck with a mindset of a high school teenager.

I want to fix my financial situation the most, unfortunately I am still working at a dead end job ever since high school.
I have been working towards changing that through certifications and online courses.
But I'm taking way too long and lack consistency to create any significant change.

I'm also living at home but am paying rent. I actually want to move out but I never had the balls to do that.

My health is not the best and I'm out of shape. I haven't been exercised for years now....I want to change that but I lack the discipline.

My social life is also dead for the past 8 years or so due to not having the right friends and social insecurities about who I am as a person.

Overall, I think what got me to this point is always been fear and laziness.
The fear of failing, trying new things, and accepting change.
The laziness that was formed due to bad habits of not being focused and disciplined.

At this point I think I need some "gun to head" sense of urgency in order to completely turn my life around.

So the person I want to be is basically the entirely opposite of who I am right now.

I want to be able to be independent and be able function like a normal adult at my age.
I want to have career that is fulfilling to me and can generate at least high five figures income.
I want to able to move out and have my own place so I can truly live my life on my own terms.
I want to have a healthy body with lean muscles that will boost my self worth, confidence, and live a longer life.
I want to be able establish genuine relationships with people where I can be myself and be truly honest with them through my every action.
I want to become the best version of myself.

Sorry for the long post and being vague. I'm just not comfortable sharing really specific details.
But I really want to get this off my chest and let someone know.
 
OP
OP
Ketkat
Oct 25, 2017
3,444
Maybe. I wouldn't want them to feel like they have to alter their behavior around me though, or seem needy
I can understand that. I don't necessarily think that will lead to people altering their behavior as much as just being more honest about their feelings, but you should do what makes you most comfortable here. What have you tried in the past to show them how you feel about this?

I don't know what bothers me, honestly. I'm just tired and bored of everything. If I didn't have to work or I was deprived of responsibility, I'd probably just sit somewhere and drink myself to death. I don't get anything out of life, I was trying to improve myself for my family but I know it won't last because that's not a good enough reason -- because maybe I just don't care enough to get better.

I don't know what life is sans depression. It's engrained in my identity and have no clue who I am without it. I'm just now realizing how bad it really is, as I've gaslit myself my entire life because I've always been told to 'get over it.' My wife can't talk to me about it now without crying and my child is starting to sound like me -- my nine-year-old girl said she wanted to kill herself. That's my fault, plain and simple. I'm just trapped in a cycle of guilt, shame and terror.

I'm really angry with my mother and sister. I've never once been extended a hand or asked if I was 'OK' -- just told that people have it worse than I do. My sister is aware of the issues I've had but has never had anything to say about it, but once babbied her rich brother-in-law who was 'going through a tough time' and made dinner for him. I lost most of my family when my parents divorced when I was 17 and no attempt was made by anyone to help me.

I always have a sense of malayse, but I'll usually recover from a bad downturn of depression in 2-3 weeks and this is going on 8 months now. It's the first time I've had to reach out to a suicide hotline and I would normally NEVER do that.

Thank you for your support, ketkat.
It's okay to feel the way that you do Jombie, and I'm glad that you did call one of the hotlines. While we usually think of them as being there purely for emergencies, they're also good for just managing your feelings before they escalate too far. I'm so sorry to hear that you haven't had anyone reach out and support you, that's just an awful experience to go through.

I know that you've said that you've given up on seeing a doctor, but would you be willing to give that another shot? W e're always here to support you how we can, but a therapist or a doctor would do wonders to help you work through this as well.

I have a avoidant personality disorder and agoraphobia and its been eating me alive the past weeks and I dont even know why it would all of the sudden get worse. I dont think anything significant happend that would cause that or, the fact that I havent changed anything is exactly what caused it. I wish rational thinking would do anything about it, its so damn exhausting
Hey Ayzon. I'm really sorry to hear that you're having those two issues escalate. Do you have any coping mechanisms that you can rely on for when they're getting worse than usual? Have you talked with a therapist about this?
 
Oct 26, 2017
698
I feel myself stumbling back into a downward spiral at the moment. That isn't to imply I had ascended out of the previous one, but at least I had stopped diving deeper. I began reading Dostoevsky this week and the quote, "I've never been a coward at heart, although I've always been a coward in action" stood out as a perfect encapsulation of the romantic fantasies I've indulged myself with for years and never even came close to acting upon.

I got this idea into my head of moving abroad this week and how the fresh start with no immediate safety net would necessitate finally taking full responsibility for myself and revitalise my life. There was a genuine feeling of excitement at the prospect, even if it was currently just a mirage on the horizon rather than within grasp. Then the hopelessness emerged once again and gave me a list of reasons why it was either pointless or unattainable. Last night, I found myself swept up in the idea of writing a book before the gloom returned, and the sincerity with which I'm enthusiastic just makes the plummet worse.

I recognise I'm predisposed to this pattern when it comes to my imagination, but the fact is that I'm a quitter and coward in reality too. I finally received a job offer in December after almost two years unemployed and guess how long I was there? A day. A fucking day. I left the building and a compulsion to never return overwhelmed me. I didn't enjoy that day, but experienced nothing so soul-crushing that I should have felt strongly about refusing to go back, I may even have come to like it had I given it a chance. I also eventually quit the only two jobs I've had prior to this and even dropped out of school when it wasn't working out for me. My mother has mentioned that maybe my anxiety has reached such a debilitating stage that I need to start receiving welfare and look for support in finding suitable work I'm capable of handling (I'm appreciative that she is understanding, but I know my parents are also fed up with me to some degree), but I've still yet to even look into this option. I would say it's shame preventing me but I've never been one to have much of a problem with pride, so it's either laziness or the sensation of resounding defeat in my heart. At this point, guilt at being a drain on my parents resources and causing worry for my mother about my quality of life is the only thing stopping me from finding a hole and slowly dying.

Meanwhile, everyone I know appears to be living their lives fairly contentedly. Not to dismiss the troubles I'm positive every one of them experiences, but I recently turned 25 and really don't have anything to show for it. I'm aware comparing yourself to others has no benefit for anyone; I generally don't do it, but even by my own standards and desires, there is nothing to my life. I'm unable to adequately articulate the emotion, there is simply no substance whatsoever.

I am lost without even a flicker of a guiding light.

Sending my best wishes to everyone in this thread struggling, whether you're posting or lurking.

EDIT: I swear I feel twice as horrible since posting this. I just want to lie down forever.
 
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Oct 29, 2017
320
Germany
Hey Ayzon. I'm really sorry to hear that you're having those two issues escalate. Do you have any coping mechanisms that you can rely on for when they're getting worse than usual? Have you talked with a therapist about this?
Not really, I usually try to calm myself down but rational thoughts do not help. Usually it just spirals out of control.
Ive spoken to a therapist about it in two short sessions which was to figure out if I do need therapy. Ive been on a waiting list since then and I cant tell when theres going to be a free spot, she said it could take between 1-2 years. I plan to call in a couple months to ask again.
Where I live, most therapists are either... bad, or really far away and I really dont want to talk to someone who is at least twice my age. (Had a bad experience with the latter)
So currently Im hoping I can make it through that time relatively unchanged.

I havent been allowed to workout the past 3 years which is going to change some time around june/july this year. I hope once I start doing that I might get things under control a bit better.
My brothers have been great too but they are busy with their own lives and dont have much time to help me.
 
Oct 25, 2017
8,086
I can understand that. I don't necessarily think that will lead to people altering their behavior as much as just being more honest about their feelings, but you should do what makes you most comfortable here. What have you tried in the past to show them how you feel about this?
Yeah, usually just get a half-hearted "sorry" out of it, so I tend to avoid bringing up issues anymore unless it's good news. I don't think I'm really supposed to expect much more out of it though, am I? No one's obligated to care more than they do. If their only stake in this is feeling guilty I can't exactly fault them for it. Maybe I don't try hard enough to be likeable. I don't want anyone to feel obligated to speak to me, but I feel tired because that's all anything feels like. Like I'm an obligation and not a friend

I guess I can put on a fake smile and play the game until I go crazy
 
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Oct 27, 2017
3,899
Alabama
I know that you've said that you've given up on seeing a doctor, but would you be willing to give that another shot? W e're always here to support you how we can, but a therapist or a doctor would do wonders to help you work through this as well.
I quit going because the city where the office is located has become a traffic nightmare and they were the only place taking patients. The time I did spend there wasn't a positive experience, though I never got to see a therapist.
 
OP
OP
Ketkat
Oct 25, 2017
3,444
I feel myself stumbling back into a downward spiral at the moment. That isn't to imply I had ascended out of the previous one, but at least I had stopped diving deeper. I began reading Dostoevsky this week and the quote, "I've never been a coward at heart, although I've always been a coward in action" stood out as a perfect encapsulation of the romantic fantasies I've indulged myself with for years and never even came close to acting upon.

I got this idea into my head of moving abroad this week and how the fresh start with no immediate safety net would necessitate finally taking full responsibility for myself and revitalise my life. There was a genuine feeling of excitement at the prospect, even if it was currently just a mirage on the horizon rather than within grasp. Then the hopelessness emerged once again and gave me a list of reasons why it was either pointless or unattainable. Last night, I found myself swept up in the idea of writing a book before the gloom returned, and the sincerity with which I'm enthusiastic just makes the plummet worse.

I recognise I'm predisposed to this pattern when it comes to my imagination, but the fact is that I'm a quitter and coward in reality too. I finally received a job offer in December after almost two years unemployed and guess how long I was there? A day. A fucking day. I left the building and a compulsion to never return overwhelmed me. I didn't enjoy that day, but experienced nothing so soul-crushing that I should have felt strongly about refusing to go back, I may even have come to like it had I given it a chance. I also eventually quit the only two jobs I've had prior to this and even dropped out of school when it wasn't working out for me. My mother has mentioned that maybe my anxiety has reached such a debilitating stage that I need to start receiving welfare and look for support in finding suitable work I'm capable of handling (I'm appreciative that she is understanding, but I know my parents are also fed up with me to some degree), but I've still yet to even look into this option. I would say it's shame preventing me but I've never been one to have much of a problem with pride, so it's either laziness or the sensation of resounding defeat in my heart. At this point, guilt at being a drain on my parents resources and causing worry for my mother about my quality of life is the only thing stopping me from finding a hole and slowly dying.

Meanwhile, everyone I know appears to be living their lives fairly contentedly. Not to dismiss the troubles I'm positive every one of them experiences, but I recently turned 25 and really don't have anything to show for it. I'm aware comparing yourself to others has no benefit for anyone; I generally don't do it, but even by my own standards and desires, there is nothing to my life. I'm unable to adequately articulate the emotion, there is simply no substance whatsoever.

I am lost without even a flicker of a guiding light.

Sending my best wishes to everyone in this thread struggling, whether you're posting or lurking.

EDIT: I swear I feel twice as horrible since posting this. I just want to lie down forever.
Hey Dave, thank you for sharing all of this with us. It's understandable to feel frustrated and a little lost when you're in your position, but it's going to be okay. 25 is very much still a young age, and you have a lot of time to get to where you want to be. I do think that it would be a good idea to try and look into the options that your mom recommended to you. I don't think that you're lazy or a coward at all as much as it's just another facet of your anxiety creeping in.

If you manage to get welfare or find a job that you're capable of handling, there is absolutely no shame in that. Everyone is going through life at their own pace, and whatever is helpful for you, you should reach out and accept. It can definitely be hard to take that first step, but we're here for you if you need help figuring out how to get started on this. Have you talked to a therapist about any of this? They could definitely help you find the right path as well

Not really, I usually try to calm myself down but rational thoughts do not help. Usually it just spirals out of control.
Ive spoken to a therapist about it in two short sessions which was to figure out if I do need therapy. Ive been on a waiting list since then and I cant tell when theres going to be a free spot, she said it could take between 1-2 years. I plan to call in a couple months to ask again.
Where I live, most therapists are either... bad, or really far away and I really dont want to talk to someone who is at least twice my age. (Had a bad experience with the latter)
So currently Im hoping I can make it through that time relatively unchanged.

I havent been allowed to workout the past 3 years which is going to change some time around june/july this year. I hope once I start doing that I might get things under control a bit better.
My brothers have been great too but they are busy with their own lives and dont have much time to help me.
I see. Being on a waiting list can definitely be tough, and I really hope that you can manage to find a therapist soon. What kind of rational thoughts do you usually try when you feel those thoughts coming on? Like, how are you challenging them?
 
OP
OP
Ketkat
Oct 25, 2017
3,444
Yeah, usually just get a half-hearted "sorry" out of it, so I tend to avoid bringing up issues anymore unless it's good news. I don't think I'm really supposed to expect much more out of it though, am I? No one's obligated to care more than they do. If their only stake in this is feeling guilty I can't exactly fault them for it. Maybe I don't try hard enough to be likeable. I don't want anyone to feel obligated to speak to me, but I feel tired because that's all anything feels like. Like I'm an obligation and not a friend

I guess I can put on a fake smile and play the game until I go crazy
You're kind of right that no one is obligated to care more than they do, but I'm still of the mind that friends should be caring and supportive however they can. Sometimes they don't know what to say, or they might be worried about making it worse, but this definitely doesn't fall on you in any way and I'm so sorry that you're going through this.

Would it be possible to branch out and try and find different friend groups that you might feel more comfortable in? Are there any hobby or meetup groups happening near you that interest you?

I quit going because the city where the office is located has become a traffic nightmare and they were the only place taking patients. The time I did spend there wasn't a positive experience, though I never got to see a therapist.
I think that finding an actual therapist to talk to would be beneficial. Have you looked into any options in your area?
 
OP
OP
Ketkat
Oct 25, 2017
3,444
Sorry if this isn't really related but I've got nowhere else to post this.

Well I've done it again. Once more my own laziness, fear and lack of any sort of social skills has made me completely fuck up an opportunity that I would have loved. I've gone through three years of university thinking "this'll be the year I get really involved with the film society so I can kick-start my dream of making my own film!." My third year is nearly over and it's literally too late to do that now. I've wasted nearly 21 years of my life and I've got no fucking clue what my life is going to look like when I'm out in the real world. I've got no real friends (and only 1 'friend'), have never had any romantic interests, I constantly fuck up any opportunity I have, and I don't even like what things I have achieved. I'd say that I just want someone to tell me I don't deserve my current situation but the truth is I know I do.
You can always vent about anything that you need to here Plum, don't worry. I can understand the frustration that you're feeling due to missing your chance with the film society, but you're being too hard on yourself here. You're very young, and you have a lot of time ahead of you. There will be other opportunities to get involved with film, and you should be proud of the fact that you're in University and nearing the end of your third year as well. That is a very impressive feat, and I'm proud of you for making it that far.

You will find more opportunities for friends as well as romantic interests, but keep in mind that there's no real rush when it comes to that and everyone goes through life at a different pace. You can certainly put yourself out there for both of those, whether it's dating apps, or looking for meetups for hobbies you like near you, but it'll happen when it happens. You're an incredible person Plum and I know that you're going to succeed.

I'm turning 27 this year, and I feel like I failed at growing up. I'm still stuck with a mindset of a high school teenager.

I want to fix my financial situation the most, unfortunately I am still working at a dead end job ever since high school.
I have been working towards changing that through certifications and online courses.
But I'm taking way too long and lack consistency to create any significant change.

I'm also living at home but am paying rent. I actually want to move out but I never had the balls to do that.

My health is not the best and I'm out of shape. I haven't been exercised for years now....I want to change that but I lack the discipline.

My social life is also dead for the past 8 years or so due to not having the right friends and social insecurities about who I am as a person.

Overall, I think what got me to this point is always been fear and laziness.
The fear of failing, trying new things, and accepting change.
The laziness that was formed due to bad habits of not being focused and disciplined.

At this point I think I need some "gun to head" sense of urgency in order to completely turn my life around.

So the person I want to be is basically the entirely opposite of who I am right now.

I want to be able to be independent and be able function like a normal adult at my age.
I want to have career that is fulfilling to me and can generate at least high five figures income.
I want to able to move out and have my own place so I can truly live my life on my own terms.
I want to have a healthy body with lean muscles that will boost my self worth, confidence, and live a longer life.
I want to be able establish genuine relationships with people where I can be myself and be truly honest with them through my every action.
I want to become the best version of myself.

Sorry for the long post and being vague. I'm just not comfortable sharing really specific details.
But I really want to get this off my chest and let someone know.
I see, thank you for sharing all of this. You've honestly taken a big step by laying all of this out and having clear ideas on where you want to be. I think it's admirable that you're further educating yourself through certifications and online courses.

Something I would recommend is breaking down a lot of these goals into smaller goals that you feel you can manage.

A technique that I often use and have had recommended to me by therapists is one called the SMART technique. And it's structured like this.

Specific- make sure all of your goals are specific and written out one goal at a time
Measurable- make sure your goals are measurable (ex. lose 25 lbs)
Attainable- make sure your goals are realistic
Relevant- make sure your goals are relevant to your personality, values and beliefs
Time-framed- make sure your goals are time sensitive with an actual date (this can be adjusted if needed)

As an example, we can take a look at your goal of "I want to have a healthy body with lean muscles" and break that down into something more measurable that you can see along the lines of "I will go for a walk for 15 minutes, 3 times a week" and then you can schedule that as it works for you. You can slowly ramp up the goals overtime as necessary, but having these small bite-sized goals has gone an incredibly long way in helping me to see the progress that I'm making while also making some of my own life-goals feel a little less overwhelming.

If you need help figuring out how to break down any of these into smaller goals, just let us know and we'll do what we can to help. Just don't try and push yourself too hard or take on too much at once. Ease yourself into your goals and it will get a lot easier to stick with them.
 
May 31, 2018
3,756
You can always vent about anything that you need to here Plum, don't worry. I can understand the frustration that you're feeling due to missing your chance with the film society, but you're being too hard on yourself here. You're very young, and you have a lot of time ahead of you. There will be other opportunities to get involved with film, and you should be proud of the fact that you're in University and nearing the end of your third year as well. That is a very impressive feat, and I'm proud of you for making it that far.

You will find more opportunities for friends as well as romantic interests, but keep in mind that there's no real rush when it comes to that and everyone goes through life at a different pace. You can certainly put yourself out there for both of those, whether it's dating apps, or looking for meetups for hobbies you like near you, but it'll happen when it happens. You're an incredible person Plum and I know that you're going to succeed.
Thank you for the kind words. To be perfectly honest the cynical side of me just wants to say "you're saying that because you should," but the more hopeful side definitely sees some kernels of truth in it.

As for dating apps, it's weird because sometimes I feel "I can do it" but then I go on, see that literally everyone looks better and is fitter than me, and then all desire to do anything goes away. I really hate the way I look and it doesn't help that I keep sabotaging any and all attempts I make to get better (just now I ate a big bag of cheese crisps, 9 2-finger KitKats and a bag of sweets for literally no reason. It was literally my entire daily calorie budget). My worry is that when I eventually get to that point where I'm comfortable enough I'll be so far behind in both social skills and romantic skills that it'll be, if not literally but figuratively, too late.

But overall I just feel... tired. I feel that I constantly 'need a break' but when I do get a 'break' I don't appreciate or enjoy it. I shouldn't be this tired of life in general at this age but I am. I feel that I can't truly get excited for anything much and I haven't really felt any 'strong' emotions outside of anger in a long while (I can't remember the last time I legitimately cried, for example). Doesn't help that I'm anxious about the future; I've got literally no clue what it entails and I hate it.

Anyway, from reading some of your earlier posts it seems that you do a great job here! This thread wouldn't be as great a thread without you tbh.
 
Oct 29, 2017
320
Germany
I see. Being on a waiting list can definitely be tough, and I really hope that you can manage to find a therapist soon. What kind of rational thoughts do you usually try when you feel those thoughts coming on? Like, how are you challenging them?
Even though Ive only been to a therapist once before (only for like two weeks) I think Ive been having those issues at least the last 6+ years. Being on the waiting list is just an extension of the time.
It depends on the situation but usually when I notice that I start to feel overwhelmed I know that theres no actual reason for it and I try to not let myself think otherwise. Not sure if that has ever worked though, most of the time I just hope its over quick so I can calm down. It's just way too difficult to have a proper train of thought in that situation.
Sometimes when Im out with either both or one of my brothers I get to a point where I feel so much better that I almost think thats how Im actually supposed to feel, but I think thats because Im mentally so busy with them and whatever we are doing that my mind cant drift off and make my life hell.

I never have that feeling at home, instead I sometimes fall into a deep pit of self hatred and helplessness. As silly as it might sound, but I started playing Overwatch a couple weeks ago and it at least helps me when I'm at home due to my mind being completely occupied with the game.
There are times were I feel full of energy and wanting to do things but its also so fragile because really tiny, maybe or often misinterpreted things that people do or I see can crush that in seconds.
The only other person that actually knows that I have this is one of my brothers and apparently I was good enough to hide it since when I told him not long ago he didnt have any idea thats how I felt.

Its basically all just duct tape solutions and hoping it goes away quickly.

All of this is so weird, right now while Im typing this Im not feeling that bad so I feel like I shouldnt even write anything and waste anyones time but I also know when things get worse that I have no clue what to do and I do need help to get out of it.
Thats also how I felt when I went to the therapist and while she understood what I was saying and gave me that early diagnosis, I still ended up feeling like Im just wasting her time. (I still plan on going there once a spot is free, I mean theres nothing else I can do)

Sorry for writing my paragraphs so unstructured, its just random things that I think of that I somehow try to squeeze in.
 
Oct 28, 2017
1,188
I keep going back from okay to emotional flashback and I think the scale of me being okay to me being in the hole is 30/70. I keep free falling into the darkest recesses of my mind. I think I'm only getting worse, and honestly I dont know if I'm gonna make it. I dont know it I deserve to make it.
 

jacob.armitage

And that went well, so i'm compelled
Moderator
Oct 25, 2017
3,429
I keep going back from okay to emotional flashback and I think the scale of me being okay to me being in the hole is 30/70. I keep free falling into the darkest recesses of my mind. I think I'm only getting worse, and honestly I dont know if I'm gonna make it. I dont know it I deserve to make it.
You do, though I definitely understand those feelings and have had to challenge them during difficult periods myself. Have you still been seeing your therapist? Have you ever looked into any CBT or DBT? (I apologize if I've asked you think before, I find they teach very useful skulls and tend to suggest them a lot) I'm also a really big fan of mindfulness practices, they are a part of my daily self-care routines and really help me stay present and in the moment. I can suggest some resources for you if you like, but i'd also recommend talking to your therapist about these when you can.
 
Oct 28, 2017
1,188
You do, though I definitely understand those feelings and have had to challenge them during difficult periods myself. Have you still been seeing your therapist? Have you ever looked into any CBT or DBT? (I apologize if I've asked you think before, I find they teach very useful skulls and tend to suggest them a lot) I'm also a really big fan of mindfulness practices, they are a part of my daily self-care routines and really help me stay present and in the moment. I can suggest some resources for you if you like, but i'd also recommend talking to your therapist about these when you can.
I'm really trying to be okay. I'm doing weekly therapy (cbt), meditation with headspace, I'm taking an skill share art class (that's actually been pretty helpful but i keep hurting myself when I make a mistake), exercising again. I'm doing everything and I feel worse. And when I feel worse I hate myself more and it's a snowball.
 
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