Mental Health Era |OT2| Community and Understanding

TaySan

Member
Dec 10, 2018
4,794
In the early planning stages of making Aliyah... I'm kinda scared, but excited at the prospect of it all. I want to break the news to my father so I can get him onboard with getting the documentation.

I think moving out of country and living on my own is what I need in life while I'm still young.
 

SugarDave

Member
Oct 26, 2017
1,032
How the fuck do people keep up living until old age? This shit is awful.

Tired with everything. Even on a relatively okay day, I still don't feel present.
 
Oct 28, 2017
5,217
Phoenix, Arizona
Man, I'm feel a little hopeless for the future right now.

We really don't know where the fuck we are going, everything seems commidified these days, technology is driven towards pointless consumerism and not being used to make a better tomorrow, this sucks.
 

Monkey DTT

Avenger
Oct 28, 2017
2,247
USA West Virginia
So update, sorry if i post too much i view you guys as a support group lol so forgive me on that one.

The good: I'm feeling pretty okay right now, I think I've fallen hard in love with learning music too. Been messing with a panio and my guitar, still need to learn how to write and make music, ear train but I love it I caught the bug. Once i move I wanna make this all my free time, just really dive into this stuff. I really wanna write and produce my own stuff from the heart.

The bad: oh my god dbt is asking alot of me. I'm about to go into the scariest part of this therapy. For self worth I have to go out and ask for shit or talk to strangers. Stuff like "hey can I get change for a 5" and "I need to cancel an appointment". Go to restaurants alone, just put myself out there. This shit terrifies me, but I gotta do it.

Makes sense tho once I move my lifelines are gone but fuck I'm terrified lol.

The major positive: I didnt self harm for 2 weeks, even with strong emotional outbursts this is huge for me. If I can trust myself and push I think I can do this. And I'm starting to get excited. New home, new city, new world, new me. I can finally figure myself out and just find my voice.

So I'm getting optimistic which is shocking, I might have a real chance of something
 

Cdammen

Member
Oct 27, 2017
268
Sweden
The bad: oh my god dbt is asking alot of me. I'm about to go into the scariest part of this therapy. For self worth I have to go out and ask for shit or talk to strangers. Stuff like "hey can I get change for a 5" and "I need to cancel an appointment". Go to restaurants alone, just put myself out there. This shit terrifies me, but I gotta do it.
I did CBT, not fully the same I think, but I did all the stuff that scared me. I have social anxiety and a panic disorder so being out amongst people is what frightens me.

I like photography, so I decided to go to the library and check out some photo books to get some inspiration. It took a couple of times but now that's behind me and I'm way more confident in that setting and situation.

Start small and do something you want to do, that'll make it easier. Don't do it just because you have to. You can force yourself through those things once you've built up experience. We're animals, it's learned behavior, it takes time to retrain the lizard brain but it's doable.

Rooting for ya! Also remember that the way to recovery isn't an even upward trajectory, it'll be a rollercoaster, but it will always climb upwards. Be kind to yourself.

Keep us posted, I read all the post, but I lurk mostly :)
 

Monkey DTT

Avenger
Oct 28, 2017
2,247
USA West Virginia
I did CBT, not fully the same I think, but I did all the stuff that scared me. I have social anxiety and a panic disorder so being out amongst people is what frightens me.

I like photography, so I decided to go to the library and check out some photo books to get some inspiration. It took a couple of times but now that's behind me and I'm way more confident in that setting and situation.

Start small and do something you want to do, that'll make it easier. Don't do it just because you have to. You can force yourself through those things once you've built up experience. We're animals, it's learned behavior, it takes time to retrain the lizard brain but it's doable.

Rooting for ya! Also remember that the way to recovery isn't an even upward trajectory, it'll be a rollercoaster, but it will always climb upwards. Be kind to yourself.

Keep us posted, I read all the post, but I lurk mostly :)
Thank you, I'm gonna keep all this in mind. And I agree totally with the rollercoaster, even though I'm holding onto more control it doesnt change I keep running back and forth between settings lol.
 
Oct 29, 2017
283
Surreal WTF situation today at my doctor’s.

Background: I was diagnosed with clinical depression back in January and have been in treatment ever since.
Things started to improve but I got short on my meds due to work, and one thing leading to another, I ended up skipping an entire week.

DO NOT do this.

I’m on Effexor SR and that single week caused an immense backlash.

Fast forward to two weeks ago: my wife helped me to the doc’s, and I finally got a new prescription. But the meds didn’t kick in at all.
We went back today, but only to find... a closed office?

Shutters down and all. After a minute parked in front of the office, completely dumbfounded, one of the nurses arrived out of the blue explaining the office had been closed due to the head-doctor being pushed out by the administration council.

She gave us instructions to a bunch of local medical cabinets which had been granted permission by my doc to prescribe medicine to his regular patients based on their previous prescription sheets.

I wanted to know if I could up the dosage in my meds, so I asked the nurse. She paused and told me the doctor was just around the corner in a car, waiting there in case of an emergency, so she led me to him and I got professional medical advice, from a “strictly friendly and non-professional point-of-view” out of a fucking van. It felt like buying weed.

Doc told me he was currently in a lawsuit against his board, attempting to retrieve his place as heads of his hospital.

It did sound awfully like he had a fall down with his wife whose family was the main capital holder in the whole thing and barred him from operating (down to locking up the entire place along with the patient files etc.)

Of course, I don’t know what’s up exactly and never will.
Still, huge props to him for waiting in that van, shit’s been going on since August 30th apparently and he’s been out there everyday looking out for his patients (unpaid) while trying not to be seen.
That at least gives me faith in him.

This world sometimes though.
Fucking wild.
 

Danis Saur

Member
Oct 27, 2017
1,286
A warning to those who miss days taking Anxiety/Panic-Attack medications:

The past weekend (starting Friday) I had the worst symptoms of headaches, nausea, stomach problems, and anxiety/panic attacks all day. I never took missing medications for a few days seriously since this has never happened before.

A lot of easily getting sad, a lot of irritation, I couldn't even enjoy being on the computer or on my cellphone in bed.... I looked for answers everywhere: Was it the food I was eating? Lack of a vitamin? Not enough sugar? WAS I CURSED? AM I BEING HAUNTED?

I noticed that I haven't taken my medication for Anxiety/Panic-Attacks called Venlafaxina since... I can't even remember, possibly last Wednesday. I wrote an email to my psychiatrist to see if missing this one medicine caused all these horrid symptoms. She said yes and told me to get it as soon as possible.

Started taking it again on Tuesday, since I didn't have any other means to get it that weekend and I finally could.

Its been a day and a half and the symptoms are going away. Just a little bit of nausea still but its alleviating.

I'm writing this down because, please, for all that is truly good, DO NOT MISS YOUR MEDICATION.

Please learn from me and do not miss taking any meds, even if your stubborn mind thinks its okay to miss it... No, take this seriously.

Never again.
 

OniLinkPlus

Member
Oct 25, 2017
553
So I'm homeless. I move into the dorms Sept 22 so I just have to survive til then. Currently looking for a motel, also posted around Facebook hoping someone will give me temporary housing. This summer has *sucked*.
 
Oct 28, 2017
14,390
I lost my dog 2 months ago and I still feel like crying my eyes out when I hear a dog bark outside, find one of her hairs on the floor or accidentally come across a pic in my phone. I dropped a broom on the hardwood floor and it made a loud crack sound that would send her under the bed. I started to apologize outloud before I caught myself. I just feel so alone without her anymore and after 2 months it still feels like shes still here. I had to take a couple of photos with her in them down because I'd instantly feel the grief, fresh as ever. I've lost family pets before but she was mine. I got her when she was barely a year old. This is very different.

She was the reason that got me through some of my worst bouts of depression. People have bumper stickers that say "Who rescued who?" For their rescue pets and I know she did save me last year, gave me reason to keep going. I miss her so much. :(
 

Ploppee

Member
Nov 28, 2018
208
I lost my dog 2 months ago and I still feel like crying my eyes out when I hear a dog bark outside, find one of her hairs on the floor or accidentally come across a pic in my phone. I dropped a broom on the hardwood floor and it made a loud crack sound that would send her under the bed. I started to apologize outloud before I caught myself. I just feel so alone without her anymore and after 2 months it still feels like shes still here. I had to take a couple of photos with her in them down because I'd instantly feel the grief, fresh as ever. I've lost family pets before but she was mine. I got her when she was barely a year old. This is very different.

She was the reason that got me through some of my worst bouts of depression. People have bumper stickers that say "Who rescued who?" For their rescue pets and I know she did save me last year, gave me reason to keep going. I miss her so much. :(
I know you don't want to feel like you're 'replacing' your dog but do you feel in a good place to get another one? I know a lot of people that got dogs after recently losing one and they said it helped a lot.
 
Oct 28, 2017
14,390
I know you don't want to feel like you're 'replacing' your dog but do you feel in a good place to get another one? I know a lot of people that got dogs after recently losing one and they said it helped a lot.
I think it would just remind me of her. I know it takes time to grieve but I'm just having a terrible time dealing with it. Even talking about it makes me choke up.
 

Monkey DTT

Avenger
Oct 28, 2017
2,247
USA West Virginia
I think it would just remind me of her. I know it takes time to grieve but I'm just having a terrible time dealing with it. Even talking about it makes me choke up.
Losing a pet is losing family, and mourning isn't something theres a timeline for. Someone super close to me lost their dog years ago but they still think about her every day. Especially when you have such a history it's okay to feel this way. I wish I had something more comforting to say I dont but I just want you knowing theres nothing wrong feeling how you do especially when it's that recent.

Would you like to talk friend? I dont want you to feel alone with what ever is going on.
 

Ploppee

Member
Nov 28, 2018
208
I think it would just remind me of her. I know it takes time to grieve but I'm just having a terrible time dealing with it. Even talking about it makes me choke up.
Sorry to hear that dude :( take your time and know that things will setlle down, as a poster above stated grief has no timeline. My inbox is always open if you wanna chat about it.
 

Kismet

Member
Nov 9, 2017
1,411
Just discovered this thread. I'm quite shocked by some messages. I hope everyone gets the help they need and deserve, I really do.
 

Phil32

Member
Oct 28, 2017
3,300
What do you do when you come to the realization you're nothing but a failure? I've come to this realization, and I don't to live with this feeling anymore.
 
Oct 27, 2017
1,024
What do you do when you come to the realization you're nothing but a failure? I've come to this realization, and I don't to live with this feeling anymore.
I struggle with this. I tend to take a step back and with a larger view I realize that I'm not a failure until my life is actually over. Until then I'm just a work in progress. I'm just learning. I may struggle with things that others don't but should my life really be defined by that? Whether I graduate in 2019 or 2021 won't make that much of a difference ten years from now.
 

TaySan

Member
Dec 10, 2018
4,794
What do you do when you come to the realization you're nothing but a failure? I've come to this realization, and I don't to live with this feeling anymore.
Try your best to not compare yourself with others. Live the life you wanna live don't give a crap what anyone else has to say or you will be miserable
 

Ploppee

Member
Nov 28, 2018
208
hey guys, think this is my first post.
been going through a lot. therapy for the past 4 months has totally made me rethink my life and personal perspective.

broke up with my girlfriend due to that, it was mutual. we both need to work through a lot. I'm working through lots personally. i just wanted to ask you guys what do you guys do with spare time? thats what i've been struggling with most. I've been trying to hit up video games and the gym but i just feel stuck
 

Juturna

Member
Oct 27, 2017
568
I lost one of my dogs Tuesday and I'm just not doing well, nor is my other dog who is the deceased dog's daughter.

Two weeks ago he became picky with what he ate, including people food he would normally go crazy for. Then he started to not eat at all. Took him to the doctor and they ran bloodwork. The next day they called me to tell me he was diabetic (he hadn't been as recent as last year when he had a checkup) and he was in ketoacidosis and it was a life or death situation.


He was hospitalized for four days and given insulin every hour to get his blood sugar regulated and to get rid of ketones in his urine. They did finally regulate it, switched him to long acting insulin and let him come home, with the agreement that I'd bring him back twice a day to get his blood sugar checked. By the next day, his blood glucose was high again and he still wouldn't eat, but was drinking on his own finally. So they gradually increased his insulin over the next few days, while having me force feed him baby food. After days of it not working, they suspected he had pancreatic cancer or hard to regulate diabetes and at his age and sickness, they wouldn't do anything for him anyway for cancer so I didn't put him through more testing. I asked if he was in any pain, and they assured me he wasn't.

Tuesday morning I woke up to him vomiting and shitting blood, and both his eyes had completely cataracted over, over night which can apparently happen. I was devestated and planned to put him down that afternoon after my mom got out of work to say goodbye. He held on all day until minutes after my mom arrived, he took his last breath in my arms. The vet said the type of pancreatic cancer he probably had, causes the body to continuously release the hormone that tells the stomach to produce acid, and it literally ate through his stomach and intestines. So despite what I was told, he was most definitely in pain, at least at the end.

It's just been such an exhausting two weeks and I'm just devestated without him. Plus, his daughter who has never spent a day without him is also a mess. On top of it all, they charged $33 per insulin shot, per hour while he was hospitalized for four days,plus the other tests and daily visits, I'm out around $4,500 and will now be behind on my other bills.

I miss him so much.

TL:DR ...my dog was suddenly diagnosed with probable pancreatic cancer, and died a week later and I'm NOT doing well.
 
Oct 28, 2017
14,390
Losing a pet is losing family, and mourning isn't something theres a timeline for. Someone super close to me lost their dog years ago but they still think about her every day. Especially when you have such a history it's okay to feel this way. I wish I had something more comforting to say I dont but I just want you knowing theres nothing wrong feeling how you do especially when it's that recent.


Would you like to talk friend? I dont want you to feel alone with what ever is going on.
Sorry to hear that dude :( take your time and know that things will setlle down, as a poster above stated grief has no timeline. My inbox is always open if you wanna chat about it.
Thanks guys/gals. I'm doing better but there are days it gets to be too much. I'll never find a dog like her again. She was the most important thing in my life.
 

ArtemisLunar

The Fallen
Jun 13, 2018
72
*sigh*, honestly maybe I don’t want to bother you guys, mostly because it’s my fist post here, but I think I need to vent, these last 2 years has been hell for me, and even if a lot of good stuff happened to me (Formally started with my dream project, met a lot of cool people of the Mexican indie scene, had one of the best travels of my life with my father, went out of the country to find a better oportunity in Vancouver along others incredible experiences) I can’t really enjoy life anymore, or that’s what I am feeling on this moment.
Two years ago I looked half of the second of the Solar Eclipse, I don’t why i did that, but from that moment I gained eye floaters, my retina it’s fine, but having these annoying suckers floating around my vision has changed my mood, two months after the Tinnitus started ringing in my ears, and the constant fear of “getting worse” or gaining other worse conditions like hearing loss or being blind had make my life worse, even more when the first thing I did was to google the symptom, honestly, never, EVER do that.
Every night I wish this condition would go away, not because it’s anoying, since that day I couldn’t see the sky and enjoy the colors that it brings, constantly running from the light like a vampire and reduce to the minimun the light of my devices to use, and that not worse, two months ago my floaters had gotten worse, my right eye feels useless now on the daylight, and my left eye, which was my good eye had got new floaters too, making it more anoying for me, now add that I couldn’t find a decent job in my country, my beloved grandmother passing away, having constant conflict with my older brother because he’s an asshole and I almost died for saving his dog, and now having to move to another country to find better oportunities and where my first job I found was a complete fraud.
so, yeah life can be a pain in the fucking ass, almost every night I plan to end my life because I think that could be the definitive answer, but I don’t know, I really want to end my game, I want to see my character being loved by the people, but with this shit getting worse and not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel makes my thoughts really un hopeful,I know that I should continue, my Mother tolds me that every time I talk to her, my friends told me that too, but what happen if you have the support, but gou still feels like a shit for something that you cannot change?
I don’t know man, but I really miss my Grandma, and my old me that thought everything was posible, now life it’s imposible
 

Jombie

The Fallen
Oct 27, 2017
5,287
Alabama
An old friend from high school hanged himself a couple of days ago. I kind of feel bad that I don't feel anything about it, except some resentment that he stole my potential suicide thunder. I probably need to go back to the doctor.
 

TaySan

Member
Dec 10, 2018
4,794
-Possibly had a seizure
-got into a carwreck
-spending past couple weeks being stressed out as hell
-Entire family fighting this weekend and parents probably going to get a divorce soon

What a way to start off my 26th year :(
I'm sick of my shitty dysfunctional family and my shitty life. I should have stayed in Nebraska at least i had friends there and full time employment,
 

OniLinkPlus

Member
Oct 25, 2017
553
A friend had a room open up. They came and got me and all my stuff and they moved me in and I'm sleeping on an air mattress and holy shit I am so relieved. They're gonna help me go through all my stuff and sort out what to sell and what to donate before I head to college so I can head in all cleaned up, fresh, and ready to go. 2 weeks to go. I'm going to make it.
 

TaySan

Member
Dec 10, 2018
4,794
A friend had a room open up. They came and got me and all my stuff and they moved me in and I'm sleeping on an air mattress and holy shit I am so relieved. They're gonna help me go through all my stuff and sort out what to sell and what to donate before I head to college so I can head in all cleaned up, fresh, and ready to go. 2 weeks to go. I'm going to make it.
Wishing you all the best! Hope everything works out :)
 

Awesome Kev

Member
Jan 10, 2018
1,258
Daytona Beach
I lost my feeling of "home" 8 years ago

This page explains it pretty accurately, for me it was related to a break up https://medium.com/transform-the-pain/when-home-changes-55347f69aa61

I've also been single since then but I don't think another relationship is what I need. I don't think the solution is that simple. In a way, I feel, with absolute 100% certainty, that I will never get that feeling back, and for the last 8 years I've just been falling into darkness.

It's really starting to take a toll on me, despite having made major progress in all areas of my life (physical health, mental health, going back to school and getting all A's, getting back into music and winning a very hard to get award, quitting a job I hated, sobriety and much more). I'm now feeling like I'm slipping on all of those tings because this feeling of not having a home and loneliness is eating away at me. I feel like it's winning, like it's inevitable.

Anyone know what I'm talking about and had success in regaining that feeling of "home"? Any other words of wisdom are certainly welcome.
 

Lady Murasaki

Scary Shiny Glasses
Member
Oct 25, 2017
576
Hello, first-time poster here. I've been lurking for a while but decided to try it, finally.

Actually, I'm better than I was a few months ago. I was thinking constantly about suicide and means of doing it but never tried it. It was really hard avoiding the intrusive thoughts about this. Now it reduced like, 80%, but when something bad happens, it comes back. I'm an awkward person and I can barely interact with people, offline or online. When I say something that I think it's weird or it's ignored by people, I feel anxious and that little voice comes back telling me to kill myself because I will never be a normal person anyway, like my own personal and internal internet troll. Thanks to that I distanced myself from everyone (to be fair, mostly very toxic people that others would stand just not to be alone) and barely speak to anyone except my SO and an old friend of mine. I never told her about the suicidal thoughts, though. I don't even comment stuff online, always thinking 30 times before I post anything or talk to anyone and most times, just giving it up. I will never say anything interesting or be anything but that weirdo bitch.

Now I don't feel suicidal outside these occasions like before, and I even feel good. But I can't take my improvements seriously. When I feel good it's like a bunch of sand sliding between my fingers and I just wait until it ends because I know it will end. This, however, isn't the worst thing, but the apathy I feel towards getting my life back on track. I lost the dream job I wanted to get in March, after 2 years slaving at that company and I'm unemployed ever since. I can't get a job because I don't have a friend to give me the job in a silver tray like most people I know in this city. I can't finish the literal 15% that is left so I can get my BA degree because I'm too scared/apathetic to even move. I had awful experiences with psychologists before in my teens (trying to push religion on me and not taking me seriously) and I don't have money, so I feel paralyzed about going after therapy or any help. I can't even convince myself of calling a free lifeline since I never actually tried to kill myself, so why should I waste their time? I don't drink, I don't do drugs, and never actually hurt myself or tried to finish it. So why bother anyone? It's not like I'm actually serious about it, is it? Also, I can't count on my family since they are a bunch of insane fanatical Evangelicals that don't and would never accept me. Or even give a shit.

Even the good stuff about my life gets twisted by my mind. I'm an ungrateful bitch even when I'm healthy and have food and a roof above my head. Being over-educated and poor in a shithole country doesn't help either. Would it be better if I was stupid and ignorant? I don't know. I just know something is wrong with me. I'm probably deeply depressed and probably starting to develop anxiety as well. This week I started to feel horrible pain in my chest and couldn't breath when I thought about all the stuff I should be doing and I'm not. So, there's that too.

Posting this before I change my mind. And I just would like to say I admire you all for your courage.
 

bawjaws

Member
Oct 28, 2017
1,148
The bad: oh my god dbt is asking alot of me. I'm about to go into the scariest part of this therapy. For self worth I have to go out and ask for shit or talk to strangers. Stuff like "hey can I get change for a 5" and "I need to cancel an appointment". Go to restaurants alone, just put myself out there. This shit terrifies me, but I gotta do it.
Hey buddy, I've not been in this thread for a while but I'm glad to hear that you're doing good: it certainly reads like you're making progress and benefiting from your therapy. Good on you!

In terms of the DBT, I totally get where you're coming from. But just remember that this is the "B" in DBT - by changing your behaviour you can change your thinking and then your life. Yeah, I know, it sounds cheesy as hell, but it's true - it's all well and good thinking about things but actually doing them is what will help to stop them from being worrysome or stressful. The fact that you're in a place where you're able to attempt this is great. Just make sure that you give yourself credit for each small step that you take. You've got this.

So I'm getting optimistic which is shocking, I might have a real chance of something
Man, this makes me so happy to read :) It really feels like this is a great sign of progress that you're able to look forward and enjoy the possibilities of the future. Of course there will be bumps along the way but I have faith that you'll be better equipped to handle them and that you'll get to where you want to go. Onwards and upwards!
 

Dr. Giggles

Member
Oct 31, 2017
37
First time posting in here. Just writing my thoughts downI. I'vebeen going through anxiety and depression for a long time. I've never reached out to anyone and kind of kept it bottled up. For the first time in my life, I actually sought help. Still in college and decided to go for a walk in session at the student health center. All in all, it was a good experience and allowed me to set up formally counseling/therapy going forward. Gonna slowly tackle this a get my life back in order.
 

Komo

Member
Jan 3, 2019
2,836
First time posting in here. Just writing my thoughts downI. I'vebeen going through anxiety and depression for a long time. I've never reached out to anyone and kind of kept it bottled up. For the first time in my life, I actually sought help. Still in college and decided to go for a walk in session at the student health center. All in all, it was a good experience and allowed me to set up formally counseling/therapy going forward. Gonna slowly tackle this a get my life back in order.
This is great news to hear. It's gonna be a life changer.
 

Kevers

The Fallen
Oct 29, 2017
7,255
Syracuse, NY
I’ve had a rough couple of weeks and while I don’t want this to feel like an attention grabbing drive-by I just won’t be able to respond while I’m at work.

I attempted suicide a few weeks ago after a very rough week that ended with me getting kicked out of my parents house. It started the week before when I went to a friends wedding and saw all my friends including my best friend for the first time in almost a year and a half. Everybody has moved on with their lives and I’m struggling to hold a part time job at the dollar general. I had a very rough week of struggling with my friends leaving me behind only to come home on Friday to my step-dad telling me I had to leave. We got into a huge argument and I took off and went to the movies while everyone was out looking for me, and what hurt the most was my mom asked my best friend if he had heard from me at all and I haven’t heard a word from him since the wedding, even though he knew something was going on. That made me feel even worse. My aunt and uncle let me stay at their house that night and I thought I was doing better so I went home to get some clothes and whatever I might need. I got to my bedroom and saw my bottle of Trazodone and without really thinking just swallowed the bottle whole. I immediately regretted it and told my mom who called the ambulance for me. The entire time she was dealing with that I started getting upset at what I did to myself and her which made me feel worse. I spent the night in the psych unit of the hospital which freaked me out as well.

It’s been almost three weeks but I’m still having an awful time coming to terms with what I did while also dealing with the depression and added anxiety from the situation. I went back to work this week and I just feel worse and worse as each day goes on, I wish I could take a few more weeks off until I at least get my head straight but I can’t since they covered for me for two weeks while this all happened.
 
OP
OP
Ketkat

Ketkat

Heart & Mind
Member
Oct 25, 2017
3,928
Hello, first-time poster here. I've been lurking for a while but decided to try it, finally.

Actually, I'm better than I was a few months ago. I was thinking constantly about suicide and means of doing it but never tried it. It was really hard avoiding the intrusive thoughts about this. Now it reduced like, 80%, but when something bad happens, it comes back. I'm an awkward person and I can barely interact with people, offline or online. When I say something that I think it's weird or it's ignored by people, I feel anxious and that little voice comes back telling me to kill myself because I will never be a normal person anyway, like my own personal and internal internet troll. Thanks to that I distanced myself from everyone (to be fair, mostly very toxic people that others would stand just not to be alone) and barely speak to anyone except my SO and an old friend of mine. I never told her about the suicidal thoughts, though. I don't even comment stuff online, always thinking 30 times before I post anything or talk to anyone and most times, just giving it up. I will never say anything interesting or be anything but that weirdo bitch.

Now I don't feel suicidal outside these occasions like before, and I even feel good. But I can't take my improvements seriously. When I feel good it's like a bunch of sand sliding between my fingers and I just wait until it ends because I know it will end. This, however, isn't the worst thing, but the apathy I feel towards getting my life back on track. I lost the dream job I wanted to get in March, after 2 years slaving at that company and I'm unemployed ever since. I can't get a job because I don't have a friend to give me the job in a silver tray like most people I know in this city. I can't finish the literal 15% that is left so I can get my BA degree because I'm too scared/apathetic to even move. I had awful experiences with psychologists before in my teens (trying to push religion on me and not taking me seriously) and I don't have money, so I feel paralyzed about going after therapy or any help. I can't even convince myself of calling a free lifeline since I never actually tried to kill myself, so why should I waste their time? I don't drink, I don't do drugs, and never actually hurt myself or tried to finish it. So why bother anyone? It's not like I'm actually serious about it, is it? Also, I can't count on my family since they are a bunch of insane fanatical Evangelicals that don't and would never accept me. Or even give a shit.

Even the good stuff about my life gets twisted by my mind. I'm an ungrateful bitch even when I'm healthy and have food and a roof above my head. Being over-educated and poor in a shithole country doesn't help either. Would it be better if I was stupid and ignorant? I don't know. I just know something is wrong with me. I'm probably deeply depressed and probably starting to develop anxiety as well. This week I started to feel horrible pain in my chest and couldn't breath when I thought about all the stuff I should be doing and I'm not. So, there's that too.

Posting this before I change my mind. And I just would like to say I admire you all for your courage.
Hey Murasaki, thank you for taking the time to open up about this. I'm really sorry to hear that you have been struggling with suicidal thoughts and that you lost your dream job. A lot of the thoughts and feelings that you're expressing are familiar to me as well, and it can be overwhelming trying to tackle that tangle all at once. It's okay to feel lost, and it's okay to feel anxious at times, but when it's getting to the point that you feel that you can't move forward, it's okay to rely on others for help. You are not a burden, and you aren't a weirdo, or anything else like that. You're a good friend to a lot of people on this site, and I know a lot of people missed having you around while you were on break.

I've worked for one of those crisis lifelines for a bit, and if you're having suicidal thoughts at all or just need a place to talk, then it's okay to call them too. At least, it is here in the USA, I'm not too sure how other countries handle it but I would imagine it's very similar. They want to be able to help you before you make an attempt, and suicidal ideation is often the first step in that. I can understand the distrust of psychologists and your family based on your own past experiences, but I would really recommend trying to shift the focus on what you can change in your life. I know that it's not that simple, and things that we can't affect will always impact us in some way, but taking steps towards our own personal goals can improve our lives and hopefully diminish that impact a bit.

I think that you're being far too harsh with yourself here as well. You aren't ungrateful just because you have your health, food, and a roof over your head. These feelings of depression, anxiety, and suicidal ideation are real, and it takes a monumental amount of strength to continue to push through them day after day. It's understandable to be tired or even overwhelmed as they gnaw at you. But, I know that you can make it through this and we're here for you every step of the way.

You mention here that you feel too scared or apathetic to finish your degree. Would you be willing to tell us a little more about that? What are you scared of happening if you go back to school?
 

Monkey DTT

Avenger
Oct 28, 2017
2,247
USA West Virginia
Been watching alot of Carole & Tuesday and this is exactly what I want. I want to live in a city so bad, I want to make friends and meet people. I dream of having my own apartment I could make my own and making friends. Maybe figuring myself out too, idk it's become a dream to me.

Also doesnt hurt I'm into music lately so like, idk it getting me in a good place

Hey buddy, I've not been in this thread for a while but I'm glad to hear that you're doing good: it certainly reads like you're making progress and benefiting from your therapy. Good on you!

In terms of the DBT, I totally get where you're coming from. But just remember that this is the "B" in DBT - by changing your behaviour you can change your thinking and then your life. Yeah, I know, it sounds cheesy as hell, but it's true - it's all well and good thinking about things but actually doing them is what will help to stop them from being worrysome or stressful. The fact that you're in a place where you're able to attempt this is great. Just make sure that you give yourself credit for each small step that you take. You've got this.


Man, this makes me so happy to read :) It really feels like this is a great sign of progress that you're able to look forward and enjoy the possibilities of the future. Of course there will be bumps along the way but I have faith that you'll be better equipped to handle them and that you'll get to where you want to go. Onwards and upwards!
^_^ always great hearing from you friend.
 

Komo

Member
Jan 3, 2019
2,836
It's been a while since I've posted here about myself, but today was one of those days. I feel like fucking trash, I feel worthless. My physical appearance is just disgusting, and I just hate everything about myself. I do not understand what even got me to think like this, but it makes sense. I just don't matter in the bigger picture of things.
 

stan_marsh

Member
Oct 25, 2017
6,244
Canada
I went to the appointment and they put me into Integrated Care Pathway wait list, which seems to be a combination of meds+CBT+group therapy.
I wonder what medication they'll choose since Cipralex (Lexapro) didn't work for me and just made me numb.
 
OP
OP
Ketkat

Ketkat

Heart & Mind
Member
Oct 25, 2017
3,928
I’ve had a rough couple of weeks and while I don’t want this to feel like an attention grabbing drive-by I just won’t be able to respond while I’m at work.

I attempted suicide a few weeks ago after a very rough week that ended with me getting kicked out of my parents house. It started the week before when I went to a friends wedding and saw all my friends including my best friend for the first time in almost a year and a half. Everybody has moved on with their lives and I’m struggling to hold a part time job at the dollar general. I had a very rough week of struggling with my friends leaving me behind only to come home on Friday to my step-dad telling me I had to leave. We got into a huge argument and I took off and went to the movies while everyone was out looking for me, and what hurt the most was my mom asked my best friend if he had heard from me at all and I haven’t heard a word from him since the wedding, even though he knew something was going on. That made me feel even worse. My aunt and uncle let me stay at their house that night and I thought I was doing better so I went home to get some clothes and whatever I might need. I got to my bedroom and saw my bottle of Trazodone and without really thinking just swallowed the bottle whole. I immediately regretted it and told my mom who called the ambulance for me. The entire time she was dealing with that I started getting upset at what I did to myself and her which made me feel worse. I spent the night in the psych unit of the hospital which freaked me out as well.

It’s been almost three weeks but I’m still having an awful time coming to terms with what I did while also dealing with the depression and added anxiety from the situation. I went back to work this week and I just feel worse and worse as each day goes on, I wish I could take a few more weeks off until I at least get my head straight but I can’t since they covered for me for two weeks while this all happened.

Hey Kevers, I'm glad that you're still with us. This does not come off as a drive-by of any kind, and you should always feel welcome to post in here whenever you need to talk or vent about anything. We might not always have the quickest replies, but we are here for you and we care about you.

Suicidal thoughts are incredibly difficult to deal with, and it's perfectly normal to feel more depressed and anxious after an attempt. It can be a bit of a shock to the system that those thoughts have taken hold in such a grave way, but that does not mean that they aren't manageable or that you can't bounce back from this. It's okay to take your time in finding a career that will work for you, and it's okay to need a breather or a moment to recharge as well. It's difficult for us to not compare our lives to other people, but it's important to take a step back and realize that everyone is going through life at their own pace and you aren't able to see all the details of someone's life even if you're close with them.

Often when we're depressed, the issues in our own lives are magnified greatly while we tend to idealize what other people have. We can't know who among our friends and family is suffering from anxiety or depression all the time, and we can't know about the struggles that they're facing right now. By focusing on these idealized versions of the people that we interact with, it can make our situations feel even worse than they already did. I don't say all of this to diminish what you're going through, but to try and stress that you are not alone. A lot of us have been where you are now, and we want to see you beat back those thoughts and flourish.

I'm sure the hospital went over this with you some, but I would really recommend reaching out to a therapist if you feel that you can. They can help provide you with some coping mechanisms to handle those thoughts and feelings as they are emerging. We can help you try and find one as well if you'd like!