Mental Health Era |OT2| Community and Understanding

al davis

User-Requested Ban
Member
Oct 25, 2017
1,392
Hidden content
You need to reply to this thread in order to see this content.
 
Last edited:

al davis

User-Requested Ban
Member
Oct 25, 2017
1,392
Hidden content
You need to reply to this thread in order to see this content.
 
Last edited:

HamsterDude

Banned
Oct 29, 2017
122
Gosh darn it, one time when my bro and ex-girlfriend invited me to a bonfire I said no word the entire time then when we got back my bro's ex-girlfriend said "I HOPE YOU REALIZE You made everyone feel incredibly awkward and nervous the entire time!!"

And one time she came down stumbling down the stairs with an almost empty bottle of whiskey and said "In your brother's eyes and mine, you're more younger and immature than your 3 year old Niece."

And now people keep making fun of me online and it doesn't stop and it doesn't stop

https://i.imgur.com/f2i6sux.png
https://i.imgur.com/vHaTuR3.png

I HATE BEING SO awkward to everyone and whenever I vent on my favorite team fortress 2 server they all say "welp I'm out" and someone said how drunk is too much while they all talked about drinking liquor and they said "there is no limit" then they finally said "Actually, Abu-kun tier is the limit" but I only drank two beers that night and I usually only drink two to three beers when I do play that server on weekend nights and my dad drinks over 3 cups of scotch each night and they were all talking about feeling bad from drinking liquor and I was only drinking two rolling rock beers that night and this night too and

I vented on Reddit tonight cuz my dad goes on Reddit, but people just downvoted my threads to 0 and called me dumb and

they called me a Zoomer and "autism" and stuff in the team fortress 2 server for getting lost when I played Pokemon Go in the new city that I just moved into this month, but I'm not familiar with this city at all I just moved out from my parents house and

I feel so bad.
 

jdstorm

Member
Jan 6, 2018
2,888
You are preaching to the choir on the "finding who to love is hard" issue. Im going through a very messy situation with a person who was sort of my best friend, sort of a GF. We never did labels. Ive been a complete mess for the past week and have done a bunch of things im not proud of (in a its pathetic and i don't want to share way).

However sometimes people surprise you. Last year i went sky diving and got a lift home with an aquaintence that i didn't know all that well. I'm very scared of heights and turned into a rambling mess on the ride home. Basically spilled more issues then anyone should have to listen to, but the person giving me a ride was really cool about it and now me and Danny are pretty good friends.

while being vulnerable can get you hurt and knowing who to trust is always a gamble, its one worth taking becuase when you do start to know where your boundaries are with people it makes life much more fullfilling

Gosh darn it, one time when my bro and ex-girlfriend invited me to a bonfire I said no word the entire time then when we got back my bro's ex-girlfriend said "I HOPE YOU REALIZE You made everyone feel incredibly awkward and nervous the entire time!!"

And one time she came down stumbling down the stairs with an almost empty bottle of whiskey and said "In your brother's eyes and mine, you're more younger and immature than your 3 year old Niece."

And now people keep making fun of me online and it doesn't stop and it doesn't stop

https://i.imgur.com/f2i6sux.png
https://i.imgur.com/vHaTuR3.png

I HATE BEING SO awkward to everyone and whenever I vent on my favorite team fortress 2 server they all say "welp I'm out" and someone said how drunk is too much while they all talked about drinking liquor and they said "there is no limit" then they finally said "Actually, Abu-kun tier is the limit" but I only drank two beers that night and I usually only drink two to three beers when I do play that server on weekend nights and my dad drinks over 3 cups of scotch each night and they were all talking about feeling bad from drinking liquor and I was only drinking two rolling rock beers that night and this night too and

I vented on Reddit tonight cuz my dad goes on Reddit, but people just downvoted my threads to 0 and called me dumb and

they called me a Zoomer and "autism" and stuff in the team fortress 2 server for getting lost when I played Pokemon Go in the new city that I just moved into this month, but I'm not familiar with this city at all I just moved out from my parents house and

I feel so bad.
HamsterDude

Firstly i just want to say how sorry i am that you feel bad. While i won't pretend to understand Autism, from what i have read it makes understanding social etiquette hard. I think a big lesson you are going to be learning soon (and something we all struggle with to be honest) Is that different things are sometimes only ok in specific places.

IE Your team fortress server is a place to play team fortress, Venting there isn't going to be a place for reliable emotional support. Just reliable online game play. It will take some trial and error but eventually you will find positive people and places that support you when you are down and help pick you back up. Then you can keep going to the place that suits your needs at the time. IE Vent = Place to vent like here, or a positive close friend/family member or a therapist ect. Place to play team fortress = Team fortress server.

Its also good to remember that every person has different limits when it comes to Alcohol. I dont drink so 1 sip and i'm starting to get tipsy, whether others could drink 10 beers and be fine

Edit: Also usually when someone is an Ex-GF they are that for a reason. Is she a positive influence in your life or is she just familiar? Honestly sometimes you just have to think that (Person X is mean and not value what they have to say. She was an Asshole, thats not your problem its hers) It might be time to start putting yourself out there and trying to meet your Next-GF
 
Last edited:

Kaseoki

Member
Oct 27, 2017
518
Hidden content
You need to reply to this thread in order to see this content.
 
Last edited:

Phil32

Member
Oct 28, 2017
3,095
I feel every time I post something publicly about my mental health, I get docked professionally. No one will want to work with someone who openly trashes himself and his life, so I think I'm going to stop posting in general and get my account closed.
 

jdstorm

Member
Jan 6, 2018
2,888
Hello, been dealing with mild depression for the past few months or so. Had some serious depression last year too. Remembered ERA had a OT on mental health so thought I'd check in and maybe ask for some advice. Would also like an invite to the discord if possible thanks.

1) Description of your issues(the more detail the better).

Throughout the whole of last year I had been dealing with the fallout of me remembering/realising that my memories of sexual abuse during my childhood was still haunting me. I fell into deep depression but slowly got out of it. Met my boyfriend but became relatively happy again. It has all spiraled again because I'm nearing the end of my university programme and I've suddenly realised I have no ambitions or goals in life. Before my only goal was to run away from my abuser which I did by moving to another country. But up until now I have just been trying to delay going back. Now time is literally ticking, I don't know what to do withy life. My life was basically just constantly trying to run away from the abuse. I don't know how to basically live a normal enjoyable life and I don't know what to do.

2) What actions are you taking or planning to take? Or if you can't take actions, what difficulties are you having?

Have been seeing a counsellor for the past year and a half. Been doing some CBT but it hasn't been doing much for me.

3) Specific things you'd like help/advice on. Ask questions.

How have people found a way forward for themselves? What do I do with my life now? How do I make it meaningful? Because I literally don't know what I want. I have never had any ambitions for myself.
I’m not sure if I have anything helpful to say but here goes nothing.

1. This is a tough one. It’s worth remembering that basically everyone else in your university class is struggling with the same who am I and what do I actually want to do questions that you are. They likely won’t have the same trauma that you have but feeling lost sometimes is a part of that normal life you want to live

Personally I idealised the idea of normality for a long time. It’s only recently that I have been able to accept that my best life is unconventional. I’d suggest that now might be the time to try and work out what your best life looks like.

3) how have I found a way forward? Just keep moving, keep meeting new people, keep trying new things. Eventually you will start to realise what you like and dislike.

I also had to accept myself. My trauma (different to yours and I’m not sure if this is applicable) will always be a key thing that shaped the person I have become. Where I get power over it, where I find my agency is that I get to choose how I define it. Not sure if that helps but it’s where I am currently at.

4) Sounds like it’s time to build up your sense of self. What are your interests? What are you studying? What makes you feel alive/happy? What do you hate?
 

jdstorm

Member
Jan 6, 2018
2,888
Vent thread:

Just texted a friend/exfriend? about talking sometime at her convenience. Her reply. Sorry can’t talk today I’m working, also have an early start tomorrow and will be super busy the next 3 days.

Like seriously just be mad at me. You are going to finish work at 3pm at the latest and you won’t be in bed until 9 at the earliest. That’s a 6 hour window of free time and you don’t have 10 minutes? Bullshit
 

HamsterDude

Banned
Oct 29, 2017
122
Thank you very much for responding jdstorm and others that have talked to me about my problems!

This is more of a physical health thing than a mental health issue but.. I always thought weed was bad and my old friend even quoted me in her AIM profile back in high school when I said "is weed illegal??" or something like that. But my brother's ex-girlfriend told me when they smoked weed that it's the "one drug" that "no matter how much you take of it" "nothing bad will happen to you" and she said its the one drug you can never overdose on ever no matter what and there will never be any negative side-effects at all no matter how much weed you smoke.

Well after constantly scraping out thick black resident from my brother's bong and smoking it constantly for like five years as escapism, I still seem to constantly cough up black globs of resident/weed daily multiple times, even though I moved out and don't smoke anymore.

My right rib cage feels very sore and it hurts when I press against it. I looked it up online and it said it could be a sign of lung cancer.

And I hate being too afraid to call my new doctor. The first appointment with my new doctor was going to be in three and a half months. Then, it got delayed for another two months; but my dad cancelled his doctor's appointment and let me see the doctor for the first time instead of my dad going to his appointment and we swapped the dates around, so it took me 3 and a half months to visit my new doctor for the first time instead of 5 months like it was originally going to be. I don't even want to schedule an appointment with my doctor knowing that it could be like 3+ months until I can actually see him. It just ticks me off and makes me nervous and keeps delaying me from even scheduling an appointment with him even if I need to see a doctor.

I just had to vent about this because I get paranoid about stuff like side-effects in medicine and sometimes when something bothers me, I look it up online and I feel dizzy and nervous looking at all of the bad things that it could be symptoms of. I'm going to be ticked off if my brother's ex-girlfriend was lieing about how you can smoke as much weed as you want and nothing can happen to you and somehow smoking extremly thick black resident that I scrape out of my brother's bong and smoking it for like 6 or 7+ years in a row constantly and I'm still coughing it up every day like 12+ times a day, is the reason why my rib cage hurts and if it ends up that I have lung cancer from it. That'd tick me off. :x

Edit like less than 30 seconds later: and now I just coughed up another huge blob of black stuff from all of the resident that I scrape out from my brother's bong and have been smoking for years, remembering when my brother's ex-girlfriend told me to "stop worrying about [them] smoking weed, come smoke it with us, there's literally no negative consequence to it no matter how much you smoke and its the one drug where you can never, ever overdose from it or ever get any sort of negative side-effect from it" and yet I still keep coughing up huge globs of black resident/weed like 35+ times a day even after I quit smoking black thick resident that I scrape out from my brother's 'gravity bong' and moved out.

And I hate when a commercial came on about how smoking is bad for you when your pregnant and my mom not only laughed and said that's false, she said that she's "proud" that she smoked cigarretes the entire time that she was pregnant with me. And when I was a kid, every school morning the entire room was filled with cigarrete smoke and as my mom always mentions I had to get shots to open up my airways because I couldn't even breathe sometimes. And I still have very heavy asthma and can't breathe good because my mom smoked cigarrettes and she has COPD and told me before I moved out that she thinks she's "on her way to her deathbed" from her COPD from smoking cigarrettes for so long (she quit a few years back thank goodness!) blah
 
Last edited:

jdstorm

Member
Jan 6, 2018
2,888
Thank you very much for responding jdstorm and others that have talked to me about my problems!

This is more of a physical health thing than a mental health issue but.. I always thought weed was bad and my old friend even quoted me in her AIM profile back in high school when I said "is weed illegal??" or something like that. But my brother's ex-girlfriend told me when they smoked weed that it's the "one drug" that "no matter how much you take of it" "nothing bad will happen to you" and she said its the one drug you can never overdose on ever no matter what and there will never be any negative side-effects at all no matter how much weed you smoke.

Well after constantly scraping out thick black resident from my brother's bong and smoking it constantly for like five years as escapism, I still seem to constantly cough up black globs of resident/weed daily multiple times, even though I moved out and don't smoke anymore.

My right rib cage feels very sore and it hurts when I press against it. I looked it up online and it said it could be a sign of lung cancer.

And I hate being too afraid to call my new doctor. The first appointment with my new doctor was going to be in three and a half months. Then, it got delayed for another two months; but my dad cancelled his doctor's appointment and let me see the doctor for the first time instead of my dad going to his appointment and we swapped the dates around, so it took me 3 and a half months to visit my new doctor for the first time instead of 5 months like it was originally going to be. I don't even want to schedule an appointment with my doctor knowing that it could be like 3+ months until I can actually see him. It just ticks me off and makes me nervous and keeps delaying me from even scheduling an appointment with him even if I need to see a doctor.

I just had to vent about this because I get paranoid about stuff like side-effects in medicine and sometimes when something bothers me, I look it up online and I feel dizzy and nervous looking at all of the bad things that it could be symptoms of. I'm going to be ticked off if my brother's ex-girlfriend was lieing about how you can smoke as much weed as you want and nothing can happen to you and somehow smoking extremly thick black resident that I scrape out of my brother's bong and smoking it for like 6 or 7+ years in a row constantly and I'm still coughing it up every day like 12+ times a day, is the reason why my rib cage hurts and if it ends up that I have lung cancer from it. That'd tick me off. :x

Edit like less than 30 seconds later: and now I just coughed up another huge blob of black stuff from all of the resident that I scrape out from my brother's bong and have been smoking for years, remembering when my brother's ex-girlfriend told me to "stop worrying about [them] smoking weed, come smoke it with us, there's literally no negative consequence to it no matter how much you smoke and its the one drug where you can never, ever overdose from it or ever get any sort of negative side-effect from it" and yet I still keep coughing up huge globs of black resident/weed like 35+ times a day even after I quit smoking black thick resident that I scrape out from my brother's 'gravity bong' and moved out.

And I hate when a commercial came on about how smoking is bad for you when your pregnant and my mom not only laughed and said that's false, she said that she's "proud" that she smoked cigarretes the entire time that she was pregnant with me. And when I was a kid, every school morning the entire room was filled with cigarrete smoke and as my mom always mentions I had to get shots to open up my airways because I couldn't even breathe sometimes. And I still have very heavy asthma and can't breathe good because my mom smoked cigarrettes and she has COPD and told me before I moved out that she thinks she's "on her way to her deathbed" from her COPD from smoking cigarrettes for so long (she quit a few years back thank goodness!) blah
Coughing up black blobs is really bad. you want to get that checked ASAP. Assuming you have good health insurance.

Also just as a general rule it seems like your brothers ex gf is an awful person and not someone to trust
 

Kaseoki

Member
Oct 27, 2017
518
Hidden content
You need to reply to this thread in order to see this content.
Thanks for the response. I don't think I ever got to build up 'interests', which is where I'm lost. I am studying a foreign language, partly due to the fact I could go on the exchange program and escape my home country which I have been doing for the past 4 years. I did some office work but I don't think it's something I'd like to do forever. It really does feel soul sucking. I enjoy cooking, but I'm not sure if I'd want to go into catering full-time as a job and end up hating it.
 
Last edited:

jdstorm

Member
Jan 6, 2018
2,888
Thanks for the response. I don't think I ever got to build up 'interests', which is where I'm lost. I am studying a foreign language, partly due to the fact I could go on the exchange program and escape my home country which I have been doing for the past 4 years. I did some office work but I don't think it's something I'd like to do forever. It really does feel soul sucking. I enjoy cooking, but I'm not sure if I'd want to go into catering full-time as a job and end up hating it.
Well thats a starting point. Just remember a balanced life isn't only work. some things we do for fun, others we do for money. If we are lucky we get paid to do something that full fills us.

What languages can you speak?
What places have you always wanted to travel?
Is there a way for you to live in your home country and still feel free or do you want to move elsewhere?
If so where do you want to move and what is the criteria for acceptance into those places?
Do you like books or Art or film, dancing, sport,music ect?
Who are your heroes (real or fictional) aka aspirational figures?
 

Kaseoki

Member
Oct 27, 2017
518
Hidden content
You need to reply to this thread in order to see this content.
 
Last edited:

jdstorm

Member
Jan 6, 2018
2,888
- I can speak English, Korean, Chinese
- I have always wanted to visit Canada, whether that be a possible location for resettlement. Would like to travel around Europe more, in particularly the Nordic countries.
- I would guess so, but I am afraid to encountering this person again. I would have to remain hidden and maybe move to the opposite side of the country.
- I feel like Canada has been romanticised a lot about being a safe haven for many immigrants. I haven't really looked into what skills I'd need to move there. I haven't really got any technical skills so.
- I like to game (well we are on a gaming forum), cook... I have a lot of films I like of course. Would like to read more. Not really a sport person, or into dancing or music much.
- I don't think I have any heroes. I haven't given this much thought.
What games do you like to play?
Do you like photomode?
are you a multiplayer or single player type?

Given that you are younger and want to travel, looking into a working holiday in a place like Canada or New Zealand might be your best bet. Speaking multiple langues and a love of cooking will be valued in the tourism and hospitality industry. If you don't mind working hard for low pay its a great way to see the world, meet lots of people and the more you learn about others the more you will find out about yourself
 

Kaseoki

Member
Oct 27, 2017
518
Hidden content
You need to reply to this thread in order to see this content.
 
Last edited:

catloaf

Member
Oct 27, 2017
101
I'm starting to think I have some form of real actual OCD. It is known that I do at least, suffer from an anxiey disorder. But I dunno, I tried to talk to my therapist about it last week but she told me didn't agree. But I don't feel like I explained myself very well because I have so incredible difficulty being present and communicating my feelings in realtime. I never actually feel I explain myself correctly when I talk to her about my feelings. I end up feeling invalidated and like I'm totally crazy, wrong about everything, and it's all useless and hopeless. The things she says to try and help me never stick because I'm so full of doubt.

i'm an extreme perfectionist in some ways. I have an unsatiable need to communicate with extreme precision, so I over explain things often which I think turns many people off as it usually leaves no room for a response, which itself makes me feel worthless to others. It's hard to make and keep friends. I feel like I'm never certain about issues that really worry me and it kills me. I get repetitive thoughts about those problems because I'm always trying to find that one, single, solitary solution to them, but I end up thinking of many new angles and some I like better in the moment (which I end up doing a web search for), or I might revert back to an older one for the same reason because of constantly changing feelings.

Biting the bullet and posting this now. I will probably feel different soon enough and want to change things and add more details and things...in fact I already do but I don't have much more time to spend on this. Whatever's going on is so fucking mentally exhasuting!! I've been this way for nearly 20 years at least and it just gets worse and worse with time...
 
OP
OP
Ketkat

Ketkat

Heart & Mind
Member
Oct 25, 2017
3,760
i'm garbage

i have nothing going for me.

useless. everyone gave up on me already. good

ill be dead soon
You aren't garbage stan, and no one has given up on you. Do you want to talk a little bit about what's going on?

I don't want to bother anyone with my problems, but I just don't know what feel. I'm so damn conflicted.

Don't know whom to talk to.
Hey Royal, you can feel free to share anything that you're feeling here. We're here to listen and support you however you can and you will never be a bother by sharing anything that you need to talk about. Would you be willing to tell us about how you're feeling?
 

jdstorm

Member
Jan 6, 2018
2,888
I haven't been able to play many games as of lately because I am overseas... so mainly PC games on a lower end laptop. Civ like games. Before I moved I was playing your regular games on PS3. More single player RPG oriented I would say.

I haven't really thought about doing a working holiday in either of those countries. Thanks for the suggestion. My worry is that I am (or I have chosen to be) slightly tied down (both emotionally and physically) with my boyfriend of just over a year. I feel like a lot of my stability is due to him and I wouldn't want to lose him right now. I have spoken to him about moving away together but having someone tagging along with all the necessary visas and paperwork will of course be troublesome.
Does your BF want to travel? Couples travel together all the time. It will stress the relationship but it could also be a fun growth experience. Either way it’s worth a conversation if living in a different country is very important to you then testing out a few and seeing what you like should be fun.
 

Kaseoki

Member
Oct 27, 2017
518
Hidden content
You need to reply to this thread in order to see this content.
 
Last edited:

RoyalJCC

Member
Oct 27, 2017
308
Hey Royal, you can feel free to share anything that you're feeling here. We're here to listen and support you however you can and you will never be a bother by sharing anything that you need to talk about. Would you be willing to tell us about how you're feeling?
Thank you. Today I feel better but this comes in waves - tomorrow I might feel like shit again.

I think this is all a mix of things. I know i’m in a privileged position, just finished my Masters Degree in Computer Engineering last December and I’m working at one of the biggest technology companies in my county. The salary is not bad but after 2 months of this work I don’t feel like I fit here. And when I say “here” i mean in the field.

I should feel excited about my new career, grow up as a professional, feel satisfied because I studied so hard to get to this position... but i feel zero. I don’t feel proud about my degree, my job, my life. I feel nothing.

The only thing I actually like doing is studying chinese nowadays. I’ve been thinking about moving abroad to teach English and, even though I’m not native, I think my english is good enough for me to teach. But all I get from people is “you’re wasting time doing that, with your degree you can earn so much money”. It’s true but my first paycheck, once again, made me fee nothing. I don’t feel satisfied, like my work has no meaning, just a cog in a machine.

But everytime, for some reason, sometimes late night drunk talks or because people actually asked me, every time I taught anything I felt good doing it. I loved how people looked at me for the explanation and I have to make sure everyone understands it.

Even if it is for one year, I think a new adventure in my life would make me happier and really see things in a different perspective. But I’m afraid - i know staying here is comfortable but it will make me feel miserable. I feel more afraid because of how others will see me as weak and a failure. “I’m just wasting time” they say.

I just don’t feel happy and satisfied and that’s killing me. I never healed my last year’s depression and it’s getting to me again. Life is too short and being 26 i feel like I never lived anything worthwhile. I’m the one thinking I’m wasting my time right now instead of trying new things.

Sorry for any typo, i’m on mobile writing from my cubicle at work.
 
Last edited:

Yagyujubei

Member
Oct 25, 2017
1,170
in hell
I feel like everything in my life has been nothing but fear and failure. Fear to do anything and when I do I fail. Also the fact that I’m an ugly fat loser does help much. I’m just going to kill my self this Sunday. My friend’s birthday is on Friday and I want to make it for his party but I really don’t want to live any more. I get that I am a loser and failure. I get that I am my own enemy and no one would want someone like me who doesn’t even love themself. So being this way I know I’ll forever be alone. If I kill must I sort of save myself from myself. I know I’ll never love myself or find love in this world with death that won’t matter since i won’t feel anything anymore. No more failure no more dead end job no more being ugly and fat. A half hour of therapy won’t change any of this. I’ve been with therapists and frankly they cannot help even if they genuinely wanted to.

I’m just going to close my eyes and hold my breathe and do it. I know i won’t get married or even drive a car or own a house in this life. Knowing these things sort of helps. I know I probably never have enough to retire or even even hold hands with some I love. I’ll probably never stop hating how I look and knowing how others hate how I look.

I have no talent or anything to have a successful life. Everyone seems to be in a masters program or PhD and I get to wallow in failure and regret.

I see couples and lovers out being happy together and my only love life is watching gay Asian dramas.

But I get to die. I get to end it all because i should have a choice to stop being me and stop feeling this way. The one thing I hate the most in this world is myself.

I don’t even want to be buried so people could go by the grave. I want to be cremated.

I don’t want anyone to really reply to this. I just wanted to type of out.
 
OP
OP
Ketkat

Ketkat

Heart & Mind
Member
Oct 25, 2017
3,760
Hey everyone, we have a big change coming to the thread! We're going to be moving the thread from out of Hangouts and onto the main board of EtcetEra! This will be a trial for one month to gauge the impact that this has both on our thread and the community at large.

Everything in the thread will still be operating the same as it always has, but we're hoping that by moving over into EtcetEra we'll be able to further reach people who need a place to share their troubles while also further fostering an environment that will encourage positive engagement. While things will be the same in the thread, we will lose a slight bit of privacy from being tucked away in Hangouts, so I would like to remind everyone about hide tags if you would like to keep things somewhat private. Hide tags can only be revealed and seen by people who have already posted in a thread, so please keep these in mind if you feel that you might need them. I've added a section to the OP on how to set them up and how they look, but I'll post that here as well :

Hide tags can be useful if you want to share with those of us in the thread but not to people outside of it. If you use a hide tag, the only people who will be able to see what's inside of the tag are people who have posted in the thread already. This can add another layer of privacy if you feel that you need it.

If you'd like to use the hide tags then, then you will need to use the following format with the * removed : [*hide] This is what I would like to hide [/hide]

They look like this to people outside of the thread :
 
Last edited:

Noxie

Member
Nov 4, 2017
3
Hello, I've never posted here, or really much on ResetEra (or the previous site) much at all, But I've been lurking on them for around 10 years, and with my life the way it is, I thought I might try posting here, if only for peace of mind. I just got a 60 day notice to move out, but due to my mental health I barely work and due to my mother's physical health she barely works (I live with her.) I had been making progress on trying to deal with my extreme anxiety and depression for since as long as I can remember, but have not really been able to get professional help until recently, so that help is very very new, but has been helping. Of course, life has been going all wrong after me and my mother have been trying to finally try to get our life in order, with it come to a head with the eviction notice, and of course the panic attack sets in. I've taken an Ativan that the doctors prescribed me to try and calm down, but it's not really helping much, so I thought maybe trying to reach out to others would be a good help, if not on the housing issue than at least to help me think more calmly. My will to live is basically totally shot right now, and I really worry about what will happen to us and my cats. I've been very suicidal in the past (hospitalized once) and now it's like after a few nice months of healing everything has gone to hell, and I don't know how to keep the will to live anymore. Me and my mom are both depressed, so we really don't have the will to do much most days, as a result we're really not close to a lot of people. As I'm only making about $900 a month in California and my mom makes basically nothing, we're basically completely screwed. I don't really know what to do or how anyone can really help, but I thought maybe finally getting out of my bubble and finally speaking up about my mental issues with people who understand what having them is like could at least help. Thank you, I hope I'm not a bother just suddenly coming in here like this, haha.
 

jdstorm

Member
Jan 6, 2018
2,888
He did do a fair bit of travelling before himself to see what he wanted out of life, but right now he favours stability and he is doing quite well in his current job. I said he would be open to it if I had some kind of plan... but the thing is I don't have anything concrete or that I'm willing/wanting to do right now.
Sounds like you two should plan a holiday maybe a week or two sometime soon somewhere where you have always wanted to go just so you can get out of your comfort zone and feel happy.

Another thing I think would be good for you is trying out some more interests. You are a smart capable trilingual person. Maybe think of some activities you have enjoyed doing in video games and then try them in real life.
 

mrtastee

Member
Oct 29, 2017
470
i accept that its my time to leave this world. i cannot accept myself the way i am now. i doubt i could ever
You think so and I understand that theres no way I can convince you in the moment. You'll have to trust me when I say that I've been there too and you need to add some more tools to your belt to live a better life. It's possible and you can change this.
 

catloaf

Member
Oct 27, 2017
101
I'm absolutely certain this is OCD and I feel sick and powerless. I'm trying to see my therapist sooner than my next scheduled appointment to talk about it. it's going to be difficult to take if she denies me again. i just can't believe it's not
 

Monkey DTT

Avenger
Oct 28, 2017
1,912
USA West Virginia
Last night was my final night in my appartment so I'm moving to my grandmother's after work today. I'm going stright back into another hoarded home, into where I was abused, and completed robbed if my agency.

My therapist did frame it in a way I likeed tho, if I continue to work on my self in my old room, save up, and get past this I've basically overcome the hardest challenge of my c-ptsd. So its the dark souls of my life... lol

I'm scared shitless, I really dont want to go back and I'm probably sleeping on the floor tonight, place is just way too hoarded. I've been in such a state of flux emotionally as you all know, healings been rough. Lol I might be banned soon from that avengers thread so if you dont hear from me dont assume the worst, I'm just gonna try to find a better paying job, save up, and do what I can to leave. That's really all I can do. Wish I could help others in this thread I'm just too pathetic to give any advice or respond. I read every message here tho, my hearts out to everyone here.
 

Astral

Member
Oct 27, 2017
5,397
Hello, I've never posted here, or really much on ResetEra (or the previous site) much at all, But I've been lurking on them for around 10 years, and with my life the way it is, I thought I might try posting here, if only for peace of mind. I just got a 60 day notice to move out, but due to my mental health I barely work and due to my mother's physical health she barely works (I live with her.) I had been making progress on trying to deal with my extreme anxiety and depression for since as long as I can remember, but have not really been able to get professional help until recently, so that help is very very new, but has been helping. Of course, life has been going all wrong after me and my mother have been trying to finally try to get our life in order, with it come to a head with the eviction notice, and of course the panic attack sets in. I've taken an Ativan that the doctors prescribed me to try and calm down, but it's not really helping much, so I thought maybe trying to reach out to others would be a good help, if not on the housing issue than at least to help me think more calmly. My will to live is basically totally shot right now, and I really worry about what will happen to us and my cats. I've been very suicidal in the past (hospitalized once) and now it's like after a few nice months of healing everything has gone to hell, and I don't know how to keep the will to live anymore. Me and my mom are both depressed, so we really don't have the will to do much most days, as a result we're really not close to a lot of people. As I'm only making about $900 a month in California and my mom makes basically nothing, we're basically completely screwed. I don't really know what to do or how anyone can really help, but I thought maybe finally getting out of my bubble and finally speaking up about my mental issues with people who understand what having them is like could at least help. Thank you, I hope I'm not a bother just suddenly coming in here like this, haha.
Welcome! You thinking you’re bothering anyone by posting your issues on this thread of all threads is just your anxiety and depression talking. I’m sure I’m speaking for everyone when I say feel free to post whenever about anything. I’m sorry about your situation. It’s sweet of you to be helping your mom out like that. You two sound very close, I think. Deep breath though. What options have you explored? Is there any way you can get an extension? And to what capacity are your mental health problems keeping you from working more? What kind of job is it? Maybe I’m wrong but I’m assuming your anxiety keeps you from working long? Like, over time you simply become anxious and overwhelmed at work. I have a nephew who experiences that because of it, he’s quit three jobs so I thought it might be similar. Sorry if it sounds like I’m bombarding you with questions. I hope you at the very least a little better after posting here.

I'm absolutely certain this is OCD and I feel sick and powerless. I'm trying to see my therapist sooner than my next scheduled appointment to talk about it. it's going to be difficult to take if she denies me again. i just can't believe it's not
Based on your description, it definitely sounds like anxiety, especially the perfectionism. The thoughts associated with OCD are more nonsensical. Like “if I don’t do this a specific way a specific number of times, something bad will happen to me.” I’m not trying to dismiss your own experiences, sorry. There of course may be more to it and I know how it feels to be completely powerless before your anxiety. However, I am curious as to how knowing it’s OCD will help you. I’m sorry if I sound insensitive. If I do, please call me out on it. It’s just that you seem a little fixated it being OCD and that fixation seems to be perpetuating your anxiety. Regardless, I don’t see why your therapist can’t evaluate you for OCD or at least refer you to someone who can.

Last night was my final night in my appartment so I'm moving to my grandmother's after work today. I'm going stright back into another hoarded home, into where I was abused, and completed robbed if my agency.

My therapist did frame it in a way I likeed tho, if I continue to work on my self in my old room, save up, and get past this I've basically overcome the hardest challenge of my c-ptsd. So its the dark souls of my life... lol

I'm scared shitless, I really dont want to go back and I'm probably sleeping on the floor tonight, place is just way too hoarded. I've been in such a state of flux emotionally as you all know, healings been rough. Lol I might be banned soon from that avengers thread so if you dont hear from me dont assume the worst, I'm just gonna try to find a better paying job, save up, and do what I can to leave. That's really all I can do. Wish I could help others in this thread I'm just too pathetic to give any advice or respond. I read every message here tho, my hearts out to everyone here.
Oh man that does sound like a tough one, but I’m glad you were able to reframe it into something a little more positive. Good luck! Don’t forget to update us.

There are so many people here and I feel like an ass not frequenting this thread enough and responding to more people, but I wish everyone the best.
 

fick

Member
Nov 24, 2018
1,106
Today is the first time in a long time I can truly say I'm happy.

Wife and I just moved into our new home, I start a new job (government, so a sane, stable schedule) in a couple of weeks, I just put in my two week notice at my current job. I'm sitting out on the back porch watching my dogs enjoy their new backyard (dirt still).

I'm taking a trip to LA the weekend before I start my new job. My wife took over my finances a couple of years ago and my credit card debt is almost completely gone, and my credit score is finally non-embarrassing again.

It's been a fucking journey, and I'm pretty sure I would have at least attempted to kill myself if my parents hadn't been in my life. I'm luckier than I have any right to be.
 
Oct 27, 2017
1,338
Anyone know what to expect from group therapy? Have my first appt in a week and I'm fairly new to therapy in general. Been to plenty support groups though.

Today is the first time in a long time I can truly say I'm happy.
That's huge. How much of that do you attribute to having a committed partner in your life? I was engaged last year but rashly broke it off due not being happy or excited about marriage, but now am facing even a wider void than before. I didn't realize how much baseline contentedness came from being in a LTR.
 

fick

Member
Nov 24, 2018
1,106
Anyone know what to expect from group therapy? Have my first appt in a week and I'm fairly new to therapy in general. Been to plenty support groups though.



That's huge. How much of that do you attribute to having a committed partner in your life? I was engaged last year but rashly broke it off due not being happy or excited about marriage, but now am facing even a wider void than before. I didn't realize how much baseline contentedness came from being in a LTR.
I’m not sure. She’s definitely helped me grow and become more responsible and refocused on the future. So really I owe her everything.

But on the flip side, I thought about if anything were to happen to her, I don’t think I would seek out another relationship.

But I can safely say a lot of my self-worth comes from relationships. Basically when I’m with someone it reminds me that I’m not a worthless piece of shit with no redeeming qualities.
 
OP
OP
Ketkat

Ketkat

Heart & Mind
Member
Oct 25, 2017
3,760
Thank you. Today I feel better but this comes in waves - tomorrow I might feel like shit again.

I think this is all a mix of things. I know i’m in a privileged position, just finished my Masters Degree in Computer Engineering last December and I’m working at one of the biggest technology companies in my county. The salary is not bad but after 2 months of this work I don’t feel like I fit here. And when I say “here” i mean in the field.

I should feel excited about my new career, grow up as a professional, feel satisfied because I studied so hard to get to this position... but i feel zero. I don’t feel proud about my degree, my job, my life. I feel nothing.

The only thing I actually like doing is studying chinese nowadays. I’ve been thinking about moving abroad to teach English and, even though I’m not native, I think my english is good enough for me to teach. But all I get from people is “you’re wasting time doing that, with your degree you can earn so much money”. It’s true but my first paycheck, once again, made me fee nothing. I don’t feel satisfied, like my work has no meaning, just a cog in a machine.

But everytime, for some reason, sometimes late night drunk talks or because people actually asked me, every time I taught anything I felt good doing it. I loved how people looked at me for the explanation and I have to make sure everyone understands it.

Even if it is for one year, I think a new adventure in my life would make me happier and really see things in a different perspective. But I’m afraid - i know staying here is comfortable but it will make me feel miserable. I feel more afraid because of how others will see me as weak and a failure. “I’m just wasting time” they say.

I just don’t feel happy and satisfied and that’s killing me. I never healed my last year’s depression and it’s getting to me again. Life is too short and being 26 i feel like I never lived anything worthwhile. I’m the one thinking I’m wasting my time right now instead of trying new things.

Sorry for any typo, i’m on mobile writing from my cubicle at work.
Thank you for opening up about this Royal. I think that it's very admirable that you want to be a teacher and help people learn. While it's definitely true that being a teacher likely won't pay as well as any Computer Engineering jobs that you can get, there's a lot more to life than just money in my opinion. It's important that you're able to sustain yourself, but finding a job that allows you to do that and that you also love is definitely something worth considering. Have you ever tried teaching English to someone before? Have you ever considered trying out the apps "HelloTalk" or finding a Chinese community to talk with in "WeChat"? It definitely won't be the same experience as teaching in a classroom, but it can give you a taste for what it's like to teach English and see if you enjoy it.

Hello, I've never posted here, or really much on ResetEra (or the previous site) much at all, But I've been lurking on them for around 10 years, and with my life the way it is, I thought I might try posting here, if only for peace of mind. I just got a 60 day notice to move out, but due to my mental health I barely work and due to my mother's physical health she barely works (I live with her.) I had been making progress on trying to deal with my extreme anxiety and depression for since as long as I can remember, but have not really been able to get professional help until recently, so that help is very very new, but has been helping. Of course, life has been going all wrong after me and my mother have been trying to finally try to get our life in order, with it come to a head with the eviction notice, and of course the panic attack sets in. I've taken an Ativan that the doctors prescribed me to try and calm down, but it's not really helping much, so I thought maybe trying to reach out to others would be a good help, if not on the housing issue than at least to help me think more calmly. My will to live is basically totally shot right now, and I really worry about what will happen to us and my cats. I've been very suicidal in the past (hospitalized once) and now it's like after a few nice months of healing everything has gone to hell, and I don't know how to keep the will to live anymore. Me and my mom are both depressed, so we really don't have the will to do much most days, as a result we're really not close to a lot of people. As I'm only making about $900 a month in California and my mom makes basically nothing, we're basically completely screwed. I don't really know what to do or how anyone can really help, but I thought maybe finally getting out of my bubble and finally speaking up about my mental issues with people who understand what having them is like could at least help. Thank you, I hope I'm not a bother just suddenly coming in here like this, haha.
Hello Noxie, welcome to the community and the site. I'm sorry to hear about your struggles and you definitely aren't a bother by posting this here. That's what this space is for, and you should feel free to talk or vent about anything that you need to.

I'm glad to hear that you're taking steps to get professional help, but if you feel that your medications aren't working then you should bring that up with your doctor or therapist the next time that you see them. It can be a bit tricky to find a medication that will work for you, but they will absolutely be there to help you figure it out.

You've mentioned that you're only making $900 a month, have you considered applying for disability for either you or your mom? Or perhaps some kind of service provided by social services near you?

This site is definitely a bit odd looking, but the services it mentions here do exist and might be able to help some : https://www.needhelppayingbills.com/html/california_assistance_programs.html

Last night was my final night in my appartment so I'm moving to my grandmother's after work today. I'm going stright back into another hoarded home, into where I was abused, and completed robbed if my agency.

My therapist did frame it in a way I likeed tho, if I continue to work on my self in my old room, save up, and get past this I've basically overcome the hardest challenge of my c-ptsd. So its the dark souls of my life... lol

I'm scared shitless, I really dont want to go back and I'm probably sleeping on the floor tonight, place is just way too hoarded. I've been in such a state of flux emotionally as you all know, healings been rough. Lol I might be banned soon from that avengers thread so if you dont hear from me dont assume the worst, I'm just gonna try to find a better paying job, save up, and do what I can to leave. That's really all I can do. Wish I could help others in this thread I'm just too pathetic to give any advice or respond. I read every message here tho, my hearts out to everyone here.
I'm so sorry to hear that you have to go back into that kind of space Monkey. I think that your therapist does have a pretty good outlook on this, and I believe that you'll make it through this, especially with the help of a therapist. You don't need to feel bad about not offering advice in this thread either. We all have our own difficulties that we're dealing with and there's nothing bad about coming to a place for support when you need it. I'm honestly very proud of everyone who opens up in this thread, and I really do hope that things turn around for you soon.

If you're worried about getting caught in the snap, then you might want to consider joining the discord that we have here for the community. You'll still be able to talk about anything you need to if you do get banned. If you're interested at all, just PM me or post here that you'd like one.
 

Spinluck

Avenger
Oct 26, 2017
6,505
Florida
So... turns out I’m not doing so good. Actually that’s a lie. I’m doing awful, just awful. I miss my life that I just blew up, I miss my fake friends that would at least pretend to be nice to me.

I’m so lonely I installed Tinder and mostly I’m just swiping left wishing I had actual friends. Wishing I was still dating my best friend, just wishing I wasn’t alone and that I didn’t hate myself. Yet that’s all I can feel right now. Just numbness, bitterness and self loathing
I can sort of relate to this. I'd be lying if I told you me moving to Chicago wasn't out of some spite or running from something. I told myself my intent was to put myself in a sink or swim situation where I had NO CHOICE to succeed. At this point, I didn't even care about the validation of that one person you care about it... Until I got it then realized that I am not as distant from the situation as I thought it was. But if there is one thing I learned in this journey, it's that fear is indeed the opposite of love. Not hate, indifference, or all that other shit. But fear. It is why we block people, run, say mean things, act like we don't care, choose hate. At least, that's how I've been seeing it. Our minds know everything about us... We can't really trick it or shake it.

I look back and I get scared of what I left behind but I went to some MeetUps and have already met some new people. I have yet to install Tinder or anything of the sort because I feel like I'd be adding into someone just to toss them to the side. I've been trying to build strictly platonic relations from the ground up and allowing myself to build new connections. I'm a huge oddball and it's not for everyone. I'm not letting that get in the way though.

I hope you feel better once things settle down and I think you're hitting a point that is pretty normal in a big change like that. I know I had it a few times over. Thanks for sharing.
 
Last edited:

catloaf

Member
Oct 27, 2017
101
Welcome! You thinking you’re bothering anyone by posting your especially the perfectionism. The thoughts associated with OCD are more nonsensical. Like “if I don’t do this a specific way a specific number of times, something bad will happen to me.” I’m not trying to dismiss your own experiences, sorry. There of course may be more to it and I know how it feels to be completely powerless before your anxiety. However, I am curious as to how knowing it’s OCD will help you. I’m sorry if I sound insensitive. If I do, please call me out on it. It’s just that you seem a little fixated it being OCD and that fixation seems to be perpetuating your anxiety. Regardless, I don’t see why your therapist can’t evaluate you for OCD or at least refer you to someone who can.
Thanks for the response.

I still feel strongly about having it and spent over three hours trying to write a response explaining more which in that amount of time reached only about 3000 characters with the countless proofreads, edits and additions to get it "just right" to avoid perhaps unreasonable fears. I dropped it because it was just getting too time consuming and would take lord knows how much longer until I felt satisfied. Also it was starting to seem excessive I guess...

Anyway my therapist called me back and talked for a bit and it helped a bit. She can't evaluate me but I see my psych in a couple weeks or so who will be able to.
 

RoyalJCC

Member
Oct 27, 2017
308
Thank you for opening up about this Royal. I think that it's very admirable that you want to be a teacher and help people learn. While it's definitely true that being a teacher likely won't pay as well as any Computer Engineering jobs that you can get, there's a lot more to life than just money in my opinion. It's important that you're able to sustain yourself, but finding a job that allows you to do that and that you also love is definitely something worth considering. Have you ever tried teaching English to someone before? Have you ever considered trying out the apps "HelloTalk" or finding a Chinese community to talk with in "WeChat"? It definitely won't be the same experience as teaching in a classroom, but it can give you a taste for what it's like to teach English and see if you enjoy it.
Hidden content
You need to reply to this thread in order to see this content.
 

jdstorm

Member
Jan 6, 2018
2,888
I can sort of relate to this. I'd be lying if I told you me moving to Chicago wasn't out of some spite or running from something. I told myself my intent was to put myself in a sink or swim situation where I had NO CHOICE to succeed. At this point, I didn't even care about the validation of that one person you care about it... Until I got it then realized that I am not as distant from the situation as I thought it was. But if there is one thing I learned in this journey, it's that fear is indeed the opposite of love. Not hate, indifference, or all that other shit. But fear. It is why we block people, run, say mean things, act like we don't care, choose hate. At least, that's how I've been seeing it. Our minds know everything about us... We can't really trick it or shake it.

I look back and I get scared of what I left behind but I went to some MeetUps and have already met some new people. I have yet to install Tinder or anything of the sort because I feel like I'd be adding into someone just to toss them to the side. I've been trying to build strictly platonic relations from the ground up and allowing myself to build new connections. I'm a huge oddball and it's not for everyone. I'm not letting that get in the way though.

I hope you feel better once things settle down and I think you're hitting a point that is pretty normal in a big change like that. I know I had it a few times over. Thanks for sharing.
So it’s been about 10 days since that post. The first few days after were awful. Got really mentally self destructive but mostly didn’t do anything other then Netflix and Tears.

Eventually found some success on Tinder say 3 days ago. Met up with her as part of a group thing. Made some friends and all was going well until she asked me about my work situation. Turns out she’d interacted with my old office about a month ago, she’d had a really good interaction with a co worker who she couldn’t stop gushing about.

So I was 1000 miles away on a tinder date trying to get someone out of my system and all my date wanted to talk about was her. Turns out she (my tinder date ) knew of me as ________’s BF. Then she wanted to talk about what happened. So that killed any chance of anything happening in the present.

Texted my “friend” the next day. It was guarded but I sent enough mean stuff to get a reply. Not super proud of that but I’m still honestly feeling pretty hurt. We had a bit of s back and forth and it was so good just to txt her.

The next day I sent her an essay length text basically trying to summarise everything about how I felt. I might get a reply today I might not.

Either way my desire to hookup with people to move on is gone, I’m starting to be ok again with myself. That sense of loss is slowly fading
 

HamsterDude

Banned
Oct 29, 2017
122
I just called my mom, the one that two months ago told me she's on her way to her deathbed, and she kept coughing during the phone call and saying she can't breathe good and that she "thinks she needs a bigger breathing machine." I hope she'll be alright!

AND THE RUMORS ABOUT ME AREN'T TRUE!!!

ARRRRRGH.

I hate that I posted saying I hate when people make fun of others for autism, and the hater/troll that I got banned on Reddit three times, the one that told me "I have 10 or 20 alts and can change my IP address and I'm always going to follow you," he replied to the thread pasting what he said on a different Reddit account 13 days beforehand on another thread of mine, even though it's irrelevant to the thread I made, mentioning the false rumors about me and telling everyone to avoid me. They aren't true!!!!

My social worker took me to a nice city but I felt very nervous and anxious about this. I entered a store and remembered the last time I entered it was two years ago, and back then I also felt very, very anxious, nervous, and scared about the same thing I'm depressed about now.

This is all from the out of context screenshots of my private messages to someone that they posted on their public Twitter account that everytime I'm about over it, the trolls/haters keep bringing them up. I died ever since I saw those screenshots of me on her public Twitter (that I only checked because when her girlfriend messaged me out of the blue saying that they both watch over my social media posts, I thought I guess that means I have the same right too) two and a half years ago, I died that day. Everytime I get up, I get attacked by trolls/haters bringing them up again and threatening to spread them.
 

jdstorm

Member
Jan 6, 2018
2,888
I just called my mom, the one that two months ago told me she's on her way to her deathbed, and she kept coughing during the phone call and saying she can't breathe good and that she "thinks she needs a bigger breathing machine." I hope she'll be alright!

AND THE RUMORS ABOUT ME AREN'T TRUE!!!

ARRRRRGH.

I hate that I posted saying I hate when people make fun of others for autism, and the hater/troll that I got banned on Reddit three times, the one that told me "I have 10 or 20 alts and can change my IP address and I'm always going to follow you," he replied to the thread pasting what he said on a different Reddit account 13 days beforehand on another thread of mine, even though it's irrelevant to the thread I made, mentioning the false rumors about me and telling everyone to avoid me. They aren't true!!!!

My social worker took me to a nice city but I felt very nervous and anxious about this. I entered a store and remembered the last time I entered it was two years ago, and back then I also felt very, very anxious, nervous, and scared about the same thing I'm depressed about now.

This is all from the out of context screenshots of my private messages to someone that they posted on their public Twitter account that everytime I'm about over it, the trolls/haters keep bringing them up. I died ever since I saw those screenshots of me on her public Twitter (that I only checked because when her girlfriend messaged me out of the blue saying that they both watch over my social media posts, I thought I guess that means I have the same right too) two and a half years ago, I died that day. Everytime I get up, I get attacked by trolls/haters bringing them up again and threatening to spread them.
The block feature is your friend. If you don’t want someone to watch your posts you don’t have to
 

stan_marsh

Member
Oct 25, 2017
5,618
Canada
I can’t concentrate, I don’t focus, I miss the picture of concepts. Overall I’m just disengaged and demoralized. I live the same repetitive day over and over. Can’t keep jobs, lose passion. I’m comically miserable. I don’t even feel like a real human anymore. I used to be articulate blah blah but nope my brain is rotting ...

Daydreaming about having conversations with people I know that probably won't happen. Daydreaming about not being lonely...
It's fucking exhausting, knowing that I can't make any of those dreams come true even though there's literally nothing holding me back, except myself.

Drowning in debt, loneliness, anxiety, depression and PTSD.

Hopefully soon I can find the courage to end this existence.
 
OP
OP
Ketkat

Ketkat

Heart & Mind
Member
Oct 25, 2017
3,760
Hidden content
You need to reply to this thread in order to see this content.
Recently started lexapro. The nausea really sucks.
Hang in there Incandenza! It can definitely be a bit rough starting a new medication, but I"m really proud of you for taking that step. If you feel like the side effects are too much or aren't subsiding, then you should talk to your doctor about it. I really hope that you feel better soon!

I can’t concentrate, I don’t focus, I miss the picture of concepts. Overall I’m just disengaged and demoralized. I live the same repetitive day over and over. Can’t keep jobs, lose passion. I’m comically miserable. I don’t even feel like a real human anymore. I used to be articulate blah blah but nope my brain is rotting ...

Daydreaming about having conversations with people I know that probably won't happen. Daydreaming about not being lonely...
It's fucking exhausting, knowing that I can't make any of those dreams come true even though there's literally nothing holding me back, except myself.

Drowning in debt, loneliness, anxiety, depression and PTSD.

Hopefully soon I can find the courage to end this existence.
Hey stan, I'm so sorry to hear that you're still struggling with these issues. Would you be willing to tell us a little more about those daydreams that you've been having?