Most inappropriate thing you’ve said at work

[Primal Sage]

So, what's the most inappropriate thing you've ever said at work? We have a quite casual tone at my office, most of us are friends and like to joke around. I'm pretty much known as the guy with the worst/most obscene sense of humor and I try to take it to the limit.

One time while having a professional conversation with a coworker another colleague opened the door and walked in. Mid-sentence i pivoted and said "...and that's why I can only orgasm to the sound of a strangled crow".

The memory of the look on his face will stay with me forever.

 

[Strangelove_77]

I can't even say it here.

 

[Trouble]

*walks into conference room full of tech dudes*

Stinks like sex in here.

 

[PeakPointMatrix]

You sound like a mad lad OP

 

[Fart Master]

Talking to a girl about scat play

 

[Mammoth Jones]

When I was younger and working disposable retail Jobs? Shit, what DIDN'T I say?

 

[subpar spatula]

"I don't vote."

 

[Gouty]

Why don't you drop out of that green jumpsuit and show me that fat ass

 

[Tya]

I once told a co-worker he had a Hitler mustache and that he'd look good in Nazi uniform. This also wasn't recently. This was back in like 2003.

 

[Kayo Police]

"so....where's the gang bang and why i'm not invited?" After a monthly sales meeting.

 

[Bonefish]

I can't even say it here.

Click to shrink...

.

My previous job was worse than a frat house

 

[Pendas]

Last week... me and a black co-worker were joking about some squirrel story that she didn't care about, I turned to her and said "Squirrel lives matter too damnit."

Racist? Probably.. she laughed, so did I. Probably said worse when I was young but that's all I can remember.

 

[Quikies83]

Yoooo mad lad!

 

[Super Corpse Soldier]

There was an elderly man who spent about 30 minutes looking at our showtimes and synopsis trying to decide what movie to see. He leaves. Comes back with his wife a few hours later and browses the showtimes and synopsis for another 10 minutes or so. A coworker who hadn't seen them before saw them and said "OH hey can you help these people?"

Haven't been with them for about 40 minutes at this point I tell the coworker I've helped them, they're just still deciding.

The elderly man chimed in "Actually I think we know what we want."

And pure reflex and instinct I blurted out "Oh. Finally."

Immediately felt terrible, covered my mouth with my hand, and shrunk out of sight hoping he didn't hear me. My coworkers all had a hearty laugh at my expense and embarrassment.

 

[LookAtMeGo]

I shot the sheriff.

Spoiler

but I did not shoot the deputy

 

[BubbaKrumpz]

Told one of my workers to get back to work and stop wasting time and she replied with a, "or what?" Told her with a straight face not to talk back or next time I'd knock her bitch ass out.

That's probably one of my best ones.

 

[MasterSummerSmith462]

A that's what she said joke to my manager lmao

 

[Admiral Woofington]

I was having lunch with my coworkers at my first job and someone spilled the salt all over me. Since I'm colombian I just looked at them and said "Great now I'm a stereotype". We burst out laughing.

At lunch = technically at work.

 

[Deleted member 46429]

Not sure if this qualifies. As part of the interview process at our old job, we have both a test portion and a face-to-face interview with me and a coworker. So, anyway, this guy is applying for a math tutoring position and he guessed on the statistics question. At one point he said in passing 'statistics is intuitive.' So I take the test, flip to the statistics question (which I already discussed to him), and said 'if statistics is intuitive, please explain to me what's intuitive about this problem.'

That was a thing that happened.

 

[jroc74]

Mine mostly involved females.

It need to actually think about this, because some of the stuff was a reply to something wild they said.

Ok. One time a female co-worker walked by me. She smelled nice. When I saw her again I asked her what's that you're wearing, it smells good.

She said some type of feminine hygiene spray? She said you smell it because when I stand by your desk, you head is down near it.

:-)

I said, yeah you walk by and your pussy be talking to me. I made some gestures that had her dying laughing.

Yeah....

 

[Stouffers]

I was playing paper football with a female coworker and accidentally "kicked" it right into her cleavage.

 

[Jesse_and_the_rippers]

I emailed facilities about a putrid smelling fridge they had left unplugged for two weeks during an office remodel and said I was going to blow it up with a stick of dynamite. I cc'd everyone in the department so I guess they knew I was joking. Looking back I can't believe I wasn't fired lol.

 

[MrRob]

ban thread.

I've been banned here for saying far tamer shit. I'll pass.

 

[FUME5]

Hmmmm.

Maybe when I was 18 and working at a four star hotel, HR was interviewing an attractive young lady for a job, myself and my manager were nearby behind the bar cleaning.

I don't recall the exact setup, but they asked her a question about breakfast and I said (under my breath to my manager) something along the lines of "I'd eat her for breakfast". She immediately jammed a towel in her mouth to muffle her laughter and dropped down behind the counter. The HR ladies and the interviewee all turned around at hearing something, to see me innocently drying glassware.

I was not reprimanded.

 

[BubbaKrumpz]

ban thread.

I've been banned here for saying far tamer shit. I'll pass.

Click to shrink...

Yeah but can you tame deez nuts.

Spoiler

jk

 

[TemplaerDude]

So, what's the most inappropriate thing you've ever said at work? We have a quite casual tone at my office, most of us are friends and like to joke around. I'm pretty much known as the guy with the worst/most obscene sense of humor and I try to take it to the limit.

One time while having a professional conversation with a coworker another colleague opened the door and walked in. Mid-sentence i pivoted and said "...and that's why I can only orgasm to the sound of a strangled crow".

The memory of the look on his face will stay with me forever.

Click to shrink...

Inappropriate... sure. Hilarious? Absolutely.

I don't think I've said anything close to that. I'm pretty shy around people.

 

[Deleted member 14649]

I asked my boss 'how the fuck do you sleep at night?' after he promised me a 'promotion' then didn't follow through with it - still in the job and he isn't.

 

[wisdom0wl]

In 2016, my buddy and I got intern positions at the same company in the Bay. This was back during the NBA finals and my friend bet me that the Cavs and the GOAT couldn't win game 7. Walked in there, saw him, then impulsively told him to suck me off and Venmo me my $100 lmao. Our boss was right there in the corner but he told me that he was gonna ignore that and let it slide because he was a King's fan (imagine being a kings fan in the bay tho lmaooo)

 

[SolVanderlyn]

Probably "sorry I'm so slow today, I'm hungover haha"

It was retail. My supervisor was just like oh, ok, wow (why would he tell me that) and sent me back out of the back room kinda mad and kinda confused

 

[Deleted member 2109]

There are people I can say anything to and people I have to tip toe around. Nothing I said really stands out but the IT guy told me to go fuck my mom the other day lol.

 

[pigeon_interrupted]

To my boss:
ME: I could be the messiah.
HIM: WHAT?
ME: You don't think I could be the Messiah? I COULD BE THE MESSIAH.

Spoiler

Said about a week before my mental breakdown :D

 

[Wander]

Have you jerked the beef to a female co worker eating beef jerky. Idk wtf I was thinking

 

[meowdi gras]

I told another co-worker my salary.

 

[UraMallas]

These were both accidents that mortified me.

My boss and his boss were looking at the computer in my boss' office one time and I walked in. They were looking at a picture of a woman who I internally thought immediately 'very attractive'. So my boss tells me she recently had been killed in a motorcycle accident but neither of them knew her. My boss' boss (who was a woman) said how young and pretty she was. Me without thinking at all and for god knows what reason replied with "not anymore." I was not making a joke. It just came out for some reason. It landed how you might expect.

Just last week I was up in front of about 15 co-workers and my (same) boss. Someone had brought up SPAM and it's origins a d how it was gross and pink. I then said "SPAM - the other pink meat." Once again I did this innocently making a play on the pork slogan. I got laughs way above the quip and then realized what I had said. I was legit very embarrased.

 

[TheMadTitan]

Someone got banned in this thread already and you want me to repeat the worst thing I've said at work?

 

[Normal]

Nah, some dude already got banned. Shut the thread down.

 

[PopsMaellard]

Nothing! I go to work and make polite banter and put on my earbuds and listen to podcasts for eight hours while I work.

Coincidentally, I just got let go because I wasn't fun enough! AMA.

 

[Francesco]

I am so scared of saying anything remotely inappropriate at work. Especially in the US.

 

[TheIdiot]

Lmao at the ban. On one hand it's obviously a horrible comment on the other it just makes me laugh how something he said in the past in real life was moderated hahaha.

 

[nemoral]

I used the phrase "money shot" in a business meeting once and it took me a full fifteen seconds before I could figure out why so many people at the table looked surprised.

 

[Reversed]

Probably lies of how well things were going. That eventually backfires.

 

[Deranged Hermit]

I've worked nights with all male shifts before. I'll pass on sharing, thanks.

 

[SABO.]

"I just need to duck out for a job interview"

 

[MrToughPants]

I'll pass on the ban.

 

[Deleted member 25445]

I would for sure get banned here

 

[Deleted member 30365]

Trap thread, hard pass.

 

[Drain You]

I swear regularly to the point where I don't even really think about it. I've been trying to correct this the past couple years but I keep fucking up when I'm around little kids. I work at a day care. Obviously not as bad as what some other stuff, but I gotta stop swearing in front of little kids.

 

[KelticNight]

Nice bait, OP.

You'll cop a ban even if you're joking in this thread (despite similar going unpunished elsewhere on this site).

 

[ResetGreyWolf]

Damn, only took 16 posts. That dude potentially got permanently banned for this thread

 

[Deleted member 14887]

Some customer was threatening to kill themselves on the phone with a fellow co-worker. A manager had to take it over and I was trying to lighten the mood but I guess my joke was too dark and everyone was just like wtf. I can't remember the joke it was like 2 Years ago.