This is a long story, because it basically involves my whole life, so I apologize if it’s hard to understand all the facts. I realize this is a rather personal story to disclose on here, but I just want to get some outside perspective on the situation. We as a family have a very bias perspective of it all, so I feel sometimes getting an outside view would be helpful. Up front, I do not claim to be entirely innocent in this, because maybe my behavior instigated certain responses, but I also feel that my brother has also acted unfairly as well towards myself, but especially towards our mother. To protect his privacy, I’m going to use a fake name, and refer to my brother as Bruce. I feel lost on how to help not just myself, but my mother who seems to suffer the most from this situation that has been going on since July of 2016. It was at this time that there was an argument that occurred at a family gathering that led to this situation where my entire my parents, myself, and eventually my 2 other brothers no longer have any contact with Bruce and his household.
I think to help understand the situation, a little perspective and insight about me would be useful. I’m 34 years old, not exactly a smart of successful individual. I’m the youngest of 4, and so always felt like the target of teasing. Bruce was like a typical older brother, where I looked up to him, and kinda followed him like a puppy when we were kids. Even when we were adults, I looked to him for advice and support. I thought that’s what big brothers do for little brothers. He wasn’t a great big brother sometimes though, and in retrospect, I found he had a bit of a controlling complex. He loved to buy things like video games, never play them himself, and only buy them because he knew I wanted to play them. This way, he would have control over when I could play said video games. We did spend a bit of time in later years though playing stuff on Xbox live together. I still remember fondly both of us sleeping over night at a Best Buy to get the Xbox 360 at launch. I spent a better part of my life working at dead end up jobs, and not getting very far. I’m socially awkward, history of depression and emotional instability. Never made enough money where I felt comfortable moving out of my parent’s house, and in the past few years, my parents have encouraged me to pursue my dreams to finish school, and live overseas. They’re fully supportive of me doing that, and have said they were fine with me living with them as long as I finished school. I’ve made good on this, and am so close to graduating. I mention this, because this seems to be one of the major gripes that Bruce has had with me. He would always encourage me to move out, and get anything that had 4 walls and a roof, even though I never really had a good means to support myself. Bruce wasn’t exactly instantly successful either, it wasn’t until he met his now wife that he tried to get a better paying job, and then moved out, which wasn’t until he was around 27 years old himself. Now they own their own home, and have 2 kids (also fake names), Linus and Sally who I loved very much. I’m Linus’s godfather, but because of the current situation, I haven’t seen or spoken to either one of them either. This really crushes our parents, because they love those kids a lot too.
I’m going to skip a head now to near the incident that occurred; otherwise this will go on forever. In 2016, I was in the middle of still working on some of my own mental issues. I was going to therapy, I was feeling suicidal, but I was trying to improve. However, I was also feeling more alone then ever from lack of support. I didn’t ask much of Bruce at this time, I realize that he had a life and family of his own, but I simply wanted to be able to spend time with them sometimes. Just prior to the argument, I was feeling hurt by Bruce, because he was ignoring me, and denying me simple things. Every time he took Linus to go see a movie, I would ask if I could come along, even if it was a kid’s movie, I told him I’d love to go. He denied me this, and would just put up weird barriers. Prior to the family argument, I was upset with Bruce because I felt neglected, but I was also not trying to start anything, I was simply trying to avoid him. Shortly before the argument occurred, John Carpenter had come to our city to perform his music (yes, the film director, John Carpenter). Bruce knew from since we were kids, that I loved John Carpenter films. He knew that The Thing is one of my favorites of all time, so when I saw on facebook that Bruce had gotten tickets for this live performance by him, I was a little annoyed he didn’t even bother to tell me that he was coming to town. My mother thought it was kinda rude of him not to say anything either and she ended up buying me tickets for the show. On the day of the performance, I felt neglected again, because instead of asking me if I wanted to car pool together, or get drinks before the show, he went to go get drinks without me, and I ended up just going there by myself. I felt hurt by this, maybe I could have handled the situation differently, but I thought we were family, and he could at least be decent to me. At this point, I was just mad at him, and didn’t want to talk to him.
Things were kinda weird at Bruce’s home at this point in time also. Bruce’s wife had been calling my mother for a couple weeks crying, and thinking that Bruce was cheating on her with someone from his work. She threatened to leave Bruce, and was telling this to me and my mother for several weeks before the family gathering, which also made the day kinda uneasy beyond just my problems with Bruce. A little history about Bruce’s wife, but my parents always thought they were close with her, and that she was a decent person. The fact that she didn’t stand up for me, or my parents, even though they stood behind her a lot in the past had played a part in this I think.
On the day that the family argument occurred, it was at Bruce’s home. He was having a cook out for the family, and I was actually not planning on going. I ended up going to this gathering because on this day, my parent’s car had gotten a flat tire. My dad is disabled, and my mother couldn’t handle getting a new tire on her own, so I had to put on the spare tire, and drive with them to get the tire replaced before they went to Bruce’s home for the get together. I was forced to go along, even though I was fuming at the idea of seeing Bruce from the John Carpenter situation. At first, I went inside, and hung around, but I was…quiet. I was trying to think of ways not to make a scene, but because of my emotional tendency, I was just upset. I was desperate to just not argue, and I thought back to what my therapist told me. She said, if you feel a certain way, just try to avoid things that make you feel upset. I ended up going back out to the car, and planned to sit there and wait for my parents. My attempt to avoid making a scene, made a scene in itself.
I am not clear on all the details that happened inside the house while I sat in the car, I was out there for maybe 20 minutes. Apparently Bruce’s wife had said something mean about me, which made my mother upset though. She had come back to the car, and told me she understood how I felt, and convinced me to come back inside though. I did so, with the intent that I would try to just get along, and be nice. We were sitting around in circle, just chit chatting like family’s do. It was my parents though, that had to bring up the conversation on why Bruce was ignoring me as much as he was. It wasn’t just the situation at the John Carpenter show that they were referring to. Little things, like one day when I was killing 3 hours, and Bruce was nearby, I asked him if I could stop by his home. He told me he wasn’t doing anything, but said he did have to go to the grocery store. I asked if I could come along because I had nothing better to do, but he wouldn’t let me come along. My dad questioned him about things like that. Bruce’s reply was “who would want to go to the grocery store! I don’t even want to go there!” and my dad replied “well he did(pointing to me), because he just wanted to spend time with you”. At some point, I just yelled at him, because he didn’t seem to get that, he was my brother, and I thought we loved and cared about each other. His ignoring me hurt me, I told him how it hurt me that he never encouraged me, or supported me when I needed it when we were kids. He retorted by saying “it wasn’t my job! It was our parent’s job to raise you, not mine!” and I remember yelling back at him saying “you were my older brother, I looked up to you, you dumb fuck”. He said something like “how dare you yell at me in my house.” I specifically remember my brother referring to me as a 30 year old child, and that all my problems just amounted to me needing to grow up.
This was basically the start of the argument, just seemed to be a bunch of resentment coming to the forefront all at once. I was already done with him, and wanted to leave, but my parents kept the arguing going. Things might be out of order, because this is all such a blur to me, but my brother seemed to start showing his resentment not towards me, but towards my parents as well. My mother questioned him why he never calls her on the phone, and he yelled “what would I talk to you about, how I can’t pay my mortgage, how my back hurts, you don’t want to hear that!” and my mother said something like “of course I do, I’m your mother”. I wasn’t present for much else that happened, because I was walking to the car at this point. I know he was criticizing my parents for being bad with money, and how dare they not be able to afford taking him to Disney world when he was a kid. He is such a materialistic asshole, he complained so much anytime he needed to borrow my mom money for food. Both my parents expressed how upset they were with Bruce, and his wife. His wife wasn’t exactly as vocal as Bruce was, but she was backing him, even though only days prior, she was crying about how she was going to leave him for maybe cheating on her.
I’m going to cut that portion of the story off there, because that’s the gist of what happened that day. We had left the house, shortly after speaking around the cars. My 2 other brothers were also present when all this happened, but they largely stayed out of it. However, they ultimately agreed that Bruce was being a jerk also. Even they don’t speak to Bruce anymore, and that’s because Bruce cut them off after bad mouthing them for no real reason. This argument occurred in July 2016, and I still haven’t seen or spoken to Bruce since. I can maybe live with this, but more and more, my mother gets upset at the situation. Even though this situation started partly because of me, it isn’t really about me at this point. As far as Bruce and I are concerned, I felt like things finally came out in the open. He didn’t like me, and that’s all there is to it. Maybe I was a bad brother, but I’m not a drug user, I’m not in jail all the time, I’m not a murdered, I didn’t realize just being a “child” could be such a damnable offense. I could probably live if I never see him again, but it kills me that my mother has to be treated like this. I love my mother, but I won’t say I have perfect parents. My dad did plenty I’m upset about, and my mom maybe could have done better at things too…but ya know what, she loved us all, and that’s something some kids don’t grow up with. Bruce was spoiled rotten, and this is how she’s repaid. She hasn’t seen her son, or grandchildren in all that time either. She has made efforts to apologize for her outbursts, by sending Bruce birthday cards, and trying to reach out on facebook. This past Christmas, she tried to deliver some presents for the grandkids, but Bruce returned them. He sent a fb message telling my parents he has no intention of accepting her friend request, and that he was returning the gift because it would “confuse” his kids. I don’t know what kind of crap he is telling the kids, but my parents love the hell out of those kids.
That’s kinda the story…This is probably the longest thread in the world, and if you don’t want to read it, that’s fine. For those that do though, I wouldn’t mind hearing some advice or insight.
I think to help understand the situation, a little perspective and insight about me would be useful. I’m 34 years old, not exactly a smart of successful individual. I’m the youngest of 4, and so always felt like the target of teasing. Bruce was like a typical older brother, where I looked up to him, and kinda followed him like a puppy when we were kids. Even when we were adults, I looked to him for advice and support. I thought that’s what big brothers do for little brothers. He wasn’t a great big brother sometimes though, and in retrospect, I found he had a bit of a controlling complex. He loved to buy things like video games, never play them himself, and only buy them because he knew I wanted to play them. This way, he would have control over when I could play said video games. We did spend a bit of time in later years though playing stuff on Xbox live together. I still remember fondly both of us sleeping over night at a Best Buy to get the Xbox 360 at launch. I spent a better part of my life working at dead end up jobs, and not getting very far. I’m socially awkward, history of depression and emotional instability. Never made enough money where I felt comfortable moving out of my parent’s house, and in the past few years, my parents have encouraged me to pursue my dreams to finish school, and live overseas. They’re fully supportive of me doing that, and have said they were fine with me living with them as long as I finished school. I’ve made good on this, and am so close to graduating. I mention this, because this seems to be one of the major gripes that Bruce has had with me. He would always encourage me to move out, and get anything that had 4 walls and a roof, even though I never really had a good means to support myself. Bruce wasn’t exactly instantly successful either, it wasn’t until he met his now wife that he tried to get a better paying job, and then moved out, which wasn’t until he was around 27 years old himself. Now they own their own home, and have 2 kids (also fake names), Linus and Sally who I loved very much. I’m Linus’s godfather, but because of the current situation, I haven’t seen or spoken to either one of them either. This really crushes our parents, because they love those kids a lot too.
I’m going to skip a head now to near the incident that occurred; otherwise this will go on forever. In 2016, I was in the middle of still working on some of my own mental issues. I was going to therapy, I was feeling suicidal, but I was trying to improve. However, I was also feeling more alone then ever from lack of support. I didn’t ask much of Bruce at this time, I realize that he had a life and family of his own, but I simply wanted to be able to spend time with them sometimes. Just prior to the argument, I was feeling hurt by Bruce, because he was ignoring me, and denying me simple things. Every time he took Linus to go see a movie, I would ask if I could come along, even if it was a kid’s movie, I told him I’d love to go. He denied me this, and would just put up weird barriers. Prior to the family argument, I was upset with Bruce because I felt neglected, but I was also not trying to start anything, I was simply trying to avoid him. Shortly before the argument occurred, John Carpenter had come to our city to perform his music (yes, the film director, John Carpenter). Bruce knew from since we were kids, that I loved John Carpenter films. He knew that The Thing is one of my favorites of all time, so when I saw on facebook that Bruce had gotten tickets for this live performance by him, I was a little annoyed he didn’t even bother to tell me that he was coming to town. My mother thought it was kinda rude of him not to say anything either and she ended up buying me tickets for the show. On the day of the performance, I felt neglected again, because instead of asking me if I wanted to car pool together, or get drinks before the show, he went to go get drinks without me, and I ended up just going there by myself. I felt hurt by this, maybe I could have handled the situation differently, but I thought we were family, and he could at least be decent to me. At this point, I was just mad at him, and didn’t want to talk to him.
Things were kinda weird at Bruce’s home at this point in time also. Bruce’s wife had been calling my mother for a couple weeks crying, and thinking that Bruce was cheating on her with someone from his work. She threatened to leave Bruce, and was telling this to me and my mother for several weeks before the family gathering, which also made the day kinda uneasy beyond just my problems with Bruce. A little history about Bruce’s wife, but my parents always thought they were close with her, and that she was a decent person. The fact that she didn’t stand up for me, or my parents, even though they stood behind her a lot in the past had played a part in this I think.
On the day that the family argument occurred, it was at Bruce’s home. He was having a cook out for the family, and I was actually not planning on going. I ended up going to this gathering because on this day, my parent’s car had gotten a flat tire. My dad is disabled, and my mother couldn’t handle getting a new tire on her own, so I had to put on the spare tire, and drive with them to get the tire replaced before they went to Bruce’s home for the get together. I was forced to go along, even though I was fuming at the idea of seeing Bruce from the John Carpenter situation. At first, I went inside, and hung around, but I was…quiet. I was trying to think of ways not to make a scene, but because of my emotional tendency, I was just upset. I was desperate to just not argue, and I thought back to what my therapist told me. She said, if you feel a certain way, just try to avoid things that make you feel upset. I ended up going back out to the car, and planned to sit there and wait for my parents. My attempt to avoid making a scene, made a scene in itself.
I am not clear on all the details that happened inside the house while I sat in the car, I was out there for maybe 20 minutes. Apparently Bruce’s wife had said something mean about me, which made my mother upset though. She had come back to the car, and told me she understood how I felt, and convinced me to come back inside though. I did so, with the intent that I would try to just get along, and be nice. We were sitting around in circle, just chit chatting like family’s do. It was my parents though, that had to bring up the conversation on why Bruce was ignoring me as much as he was. It wasn’t just the situation at the John Carpenter show that they were referring to. Little things, like one day when I was killing 3 hours, and Bruce was nearby, I asked him if I could stop by his home. He told me he wasn’t doing anything, but said he did have to go to the grocery store. I asked if I could come along because I had nothing better to do, but he wouldn’t let me come along. My dad questioned him about things like that. Bruce’s reply was “who would want to go to the grocery store! I don’t even want to go there!” and my dad replied “well he did(pointing to me), because he just wanted to spend time with you”. At some point, I just yelled at him, because he didn’t seem to get that, he was my brother, and I thought we loved and cared about each other. His ignoring me hurt me, I told him how it hurt me that he never encouraged me, or supported me when I needed it when we were kids. He retorted by saying “it wasn’t my job! It was our parent’s job to raise you, not mine!” and I remember yelling back at him saying “you were my older brother, I looked up to you, you dumb fuck”. He said something like “how dare you yell at me in my house.” I specifically remember my brother referring to me as a 30 year old child, and that all my problems just amounted to me needing to grow up.
This was basically the start of the argument, just seemed to be a bunch of resentment coming to the forefront all at once. I was already done with him, and wanted to leave, but my parents kept the arguing going. Things might be out of order, because this is all such a blur to me, but my brother seemed to start showing his resentment not towards me, but towards my parents as well. My mother questioned him why he never calls her on the phone, and he yelled “what would I talk to you about, how I can’t pay my mortgage, how my back hurts, you don’t want to hear that!” and my mother said something like “of course I do, I’m your mother”. I wasn’t present for much else that happened, because I was walking to the car at this point. I know he was criticizing my parents for being bad with money, and how dare they not be able to afford taking him to Disney world when he was a kid. He is such a materialistic asshole, he complained so much anytime he needed to borrow my mom money for food. Both my parents expressed how upset they were with Bruce, and his wife. His wife wasn’t exactly as vocal as Bruce was, but she was backing him, even though only days prior, she was crying about how she was going to leave him for maybe cheating on her.
I’m going to cut that portion of the story off there, because that’s the gist of what happened that day. We had left the house, shortly after speaking around the cars. My 2 other brothers were also present when all this happened, but they largely stayed out of it. However, they ultimately agreed that Bruce was being a jerk also. Even they don’t speak to Bruce anymore, and that’s because Bruce cut them off after bad mouthing them for no real reason. This argument occurred in July 2016, and I still haven’t seen or spoken to Bruce since. I can maybe live with this, but more and more, my mother gets upset at the situation. Even though this situation started partly because of me, it isn’t really about me at this point. As far as Bruce and I are concerned, I felt like things finally came out in the open. He didn’t like me, and that’s all there is to it. Maybe I was a bad brother, but I’m not a drug user, I’m not in jail all the time, I’m not a murdered, I didn’t realize just being a “child” could be such a damnable offense. I could probably live if I never see him again, but it kills me that my mother has to be treated like this. I love my mother, but I won’t say I have perfect parents. My dad did plenty I’m upset about, and my mom maybe could have done better at things too…but ya know what, she loved us all, and that’s something some kids don’t grow up with. Bruce was spoiled rotten, and this is how she’s repaid. She hasn’t seen her son, or grandchildren in all that time either. She has made efforts to apologize for her outbursts, by sending Bruce birthday cards, and trying to reach out on facebook. This past Christmas, she tried to deliver some presents for the grandkids, but Bruce returned them. He sent a fb message telling my parents he has no intention of accepting her friend request, and that he was returning the gift because it would “confuse” his kids. I don’t know what kind of crap he is telling the kids, but my parents love the hell out of those kids.
That’s kinda the story…This is probably the longest thread in the world, and if you don’t want to read it, that’s fine. For those that do though, I wouldn’t mind hearing some advice or insight.
