My brother's divorce is ruining my family

Jeffapp

Member
Oct 29, 2017
410
So my brother has been going through a divorce since last September from a controlling woman with some major problems, they had two kids together and he had one older child from another relationship. He moved in with my parents after she cheated on him and kicked him out of the house last December (the oldest son caught her in bed with another man). they seemed to be living a very high-class lifestyle big McMansion, two BMW's, the whole nine yards built on credit and debt. My brother got a lawyer but still talks to her and gets emails from her lawyer (which seems really wrong) and has been trying to negotiate a deal with her to go away. as he's been doing this my parents have been writing him checks for what my other brother and I think is close to $100,000 that's been going to pay her off or the lawyer fees. He refuses to go to court cause she has him convinced that her lawyer is better connected in town. She drinks, is addicted to pain killers, and yells at the kids but she has them convinced he will never get 50/50 custody of the kids. she used the only court meeting they had to say my brother was a heavy drinker (no dui's and no job issues) so he only gets to see his kids one day a week. She refuses to get a job and believes she is entitled to $7,000 a month (which is more then I make at my job) and is 75% of his monthly pay.

Both my parents have lost a significant amount of weight and have become heavily depressed. My mom refuses to leave the house and they are getting ready to sell their shore house in order to pay more of my brothers bills or create a large lump sum to pay her off. My other brother and I fear my parents are going to die penniless at the end of this and think because we are not concerned with money that it's okay to do all this.

This whole thing comes after today I asked to open a life insurance policy in my name to have it all go to his oldest son cause his wife wanted her none son removed from his. They think this is okay because I'm single and my bother will pay for it, my fear is what happens when he gets tight on money and now I'm somehow obligated to a child that's not mine for the rest of my life. I know this sounds mean but I have 7 nieces and nephews.
 

Ingueferroque

The Fallen
Oct 28, 2017
9,865
Do not open any policies or insurances in your name on their behalf. No matter how much you love them/him.
No good can come from it. Besides your advice and patience, the best you can do for your family is to take care of yourself.
 
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wads

Member
Oct 27, 2017
306
Stop enabling the crazy behavior especially your brother. He actually removed his oldest son from a life insurance policy because his ex asked him to? He needs to take control of the situation or he is going to royally f’ed. He needs to get his own lawyer too. Also, he needs to document her drinking/ drug problem and go to court for FULL custody.

And obviously you should not open any policies.

WTF
 

BUNTING1243

Member
Oct 25, 2017
544
Dude seems like he’s struggling really deeply in an abusive relationship. Try not to judge his decisions too harshly until he gets help and strongly advise him to see a therapist experienced in these power dynamics.
 

Landy828

Member
Oct 26, 2017
4,220
Clemson, SC
This is why I didn't reveal to my ex that I was divorcing her until I had tons of evidence against her. Turned in over 500 pages, a USB stick of videos, and photos. Got full custody of the kids, all the money that was in my name, and both cars we had.

Best of luck to you OP, and your family. Sounds rough.
 

BLEEN

Member
Oct 27, 2017
4,853
This is why I didn't reveal to my ex that I was divorcing her until I had tons of evidence against her. Turned in over 500 pages, a USB stick of videos, and photos. Got full custody of the kids, all the money that was in my name, and both cars we had.

Best of luck to you OP, and your family. Sounds rough.
Smart.
 

Mr. X

Member
Oct 25, 2017
4,593
He fucked up rolling over for the ex and thinking avoiding a judge AND talking directly to HER lawyer was a good idea.
 

UntoldDreams

Member
May 24, 2018
40
Apologize and say no. This is not normal and not acceptable behavior.
You are not obligated to join in the crazy behavior even for family.

...What's the point in having everyone in your family simultaneously bankrupted? Isn't it more logical for your brother to get bankrupted alone and then when he needs food/shelter and help to rebuild it can be handled properly? The same thing with kids. If the lady is using the children to basically blackmail him, then he is better off saying "NO" and then trying to pick up the pieces afterwards. Letting her basically "kill him" means after failing to rescue the kids he will be unable to help anyone even himself.

Your parents are confusing "loving & caring" with blind support. They need to simply adopt the strategy of letting your brother take the fall and realizing they can "unofficially help him and the kids out later" with money support. Just cut off all financial ties right away. By cutting him off they are protecting him and the kids money for their future support.
 

Cation

The Fallen
Oct 28, 2017
714
I think he needs an actual lawyer and a therapist tbh. A little bit money for that will go a long ass way and will not bankrupt your parents in the long run. There are obviously red flags as you know
 

TaySan

Member
Dec 10, 2018
3,090
Your parents need to give your brother some tough love and not enable his behavior.
 

Prinz Eugn

Member
Oct 25, 2017
631
He's communicating directly with her lawyer? What?! That's, like, the last thing you want to do in a legal situation, ever.
 

Alucrid

Member
Oct 25, 2017
4,618
yeah, that sucks. don't do that life insurance policy though and i'd be extra careful to check for any possible loans, credit cards, policies, etc. that might be opened up for you without your knowledge. it's shitty to think that way but better safe than sorry.
 
OP
OP
Jeffapp

Jeffapp

Member
Oct 29, 2017
410
yeah, that sucks. don't do that life insurance policy though and i'd be extra careful to check for any possible loans, credit cards, policies, etc. that might be opened up for you without your knowledge. it's shitty to think that way but better safe than sorry.
Is there a good way to check this or freeze my info for a time?
 

tmtyf

Member
Oct 27, 2017
75
While he may not get full custody, from what you wrote he should at least get 50/50.

Bit confused by what you wrote. Does he have a lawyer? If not he needs to stop talking to his ex/her lawyer and get one. If he already handed over money he probably won’t get that back, but if he hands over 100k who is to say they won’t hit him with what they are threatening him with anyway., waiting till he has almost nothing and can’t afford a lawyer.
 

SecondNature

Member
Oct 25, 2017
6,294
So she says he's a heavy drinker and the courts decide to take her word? wtf? Is that what actually happens
 

Dude Abides

Member
Oct 27, 2017
1,697
is this a reportable thing? my brother has a lawyer but keeps getting emails from her's that don't go to his lawyer.
Yes. It’s unethical for a lawyer to talk directly to someone he knows is represented by another lawyer about the matter that is the subject of the representation.

Your brother sounds like enough of a dumbass that he may have agreed to waive it, though.
 

Mr_Antimatter

Member
Oct 28, 2017
701
Report her lawyer to the bar, tell him to take her to court. My ex stpmom tried to do this to my dad and it literally killed him.
 

tmtyf

Member
Oct 27, 2017
75
So she says he's a heavy drinker and the courts decide to take her word? wtf? Is that what actually happens
Depends what judge you get. Normally though If your going for full custody it’s hard to win against the mother unless you have solid evidence it is an unsafe environment (drinking, drugs, abuse etc). 50/50 isn’t hard to get though.
 

Doukou

Member
Oct 25, 2017
1,406
Yes. It’s unethical for a lawyer to talk directly to someone he knows is represented by another lawyer about the matter that is the subject of the representation.

Your brother sounds like enough of a dumbass that he may have agreed to waive it, though.
Can you waive that though? I thought only the attorney could?
 

NinjaScooter

Member
Oct 25, 2017
18,438
They have kids and are married. She's never going to just "go away". Your parents should be there to support him, but need to stop enabling him and taking on all of his baggage. They aren't the ones getting divorced. He's a big boy, with kids and a house and a marriage. He needs to sort through this. There's a fine line between being there to support your family, and taking on all of their problems yourself.
 

Antrax

Member
Oct 25, 2017
4,024
He's a grown adult and has a lawyer. He shouldn't be talking to his ex or her lawyer under any circumstances. Literally every single communication should go through the lawyers.

And if her lawyer knows he's got one himself, report him to the bar.
 

Ahhthe90s

Member
Oct 29, 2017
975
Man.. that's rough OP.

Make sure to take care of yourself during this ordeal, you say your parents are stressed but I imagine you're probably in the same situation and may not realize it. I took 1 therapy class during my hardship and it was enough to help me steer life in the correct path.

Good luck.