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My father wants me to meet this girl...

Kismet

Banned
Nov 9, 2017
1,432
...but I'm gay and have a boyfriend.

This Albanian family is very interested in me. They want their daughter to meet me and see if we're a match. The daughter is interested too.
They approached my father about this. My father is now constantly calling me and asking me to plan a date.

I'm turning 35 this year. So my father is getting desperate because most straight men coming from my culture are married and have kids by this age.

This whole situation is very stressful because I don't want my father to know that I'm gay.
He's a very devout muslim and it would only cause big problems within the family. My mom knows that I'm gay and she told her sisters that as well. So they already stopped sending proposals to me.

Should I contact the girl and tell her that I'm gay? Maybe she'll be discrete about it.
Or should I go on a date and do or say things that might turn her off? My boyfriend doesn't want me to go on a date with her.

I cannot just say that I'm not interested. My father will get a fit. I've turned down way too many "potential wifes" in the past. I don't want that confrontation.

Maybe I should tell him that I already have a girlfriend and that she lives far away so he can't meet her?

Other people have/had this issue?
 
poutmeter

poutmeter

Avenger
Oct 26, 2017
812
Kismet said:
Should I contact the girl and tell her that I'm gay? Maybe she'll be discrete about it.
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This is a bad idea, and I can easily seeing word spreading and eventually reaching your dad.

My friend was in a similar situation, difference is none of his family members knew. He just kept refusing to meet women his family set up dates with under the guise of times having changed and it's more common to meet your partner at work/hangouts than have your parents throw women your way. It turned into huge arguments at first, but they eventually accepted it to keep the peace.

It's not ideal, but his devout muslim family would never approve. It's a shame, really.
 
guek

guek

Banned
Oct 25, 2017
3,177
The best bet is to just tell your dad no and let him have his fit. But if that's not an option, you'll be lying anyway so just make up a fake girlfriend and then suddenly break up a month later.
 

Deleted member 2625

User requested account closure
Banned
Oct 25, 2017
4,596
Kismet said:
I cannot just say that I'm not interested. My father will get a fit. I've turned down way too many "potential wifes" in the past. I don't want that confrontation.
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I think you gotta do it. What he does is on him. There's no way you can dodge it forever.

Otherwise this is just going to keep happening, or worse he'll find out about your orientation on terms not your own, and it'll be even harder.
 
Fliesen

Fliesen

Member
Oct 25, 2017
10,254
Birdseye said:
Why did you not write this in the thread title?
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I thought this was rather common knowledge. Kismet has shared some very particular relationship dilemmae in the past :P

Kismet it'd be very interesting in you setting up the worst date possible to scare off your potential future wife. Could be fun.
But it's probably a bad idea, because the girl is not at fault. So why ruin her day :/
 
OrakioRob

OrakioRob

Member
Oct 25, 2017
3,494
Rio de Janeiro, Brazil
Not really on topic (and not making fun of the OP in any way), but what's with the recent "my dad/aunt/sister wants me to meet this girl" trend in the EtcetEra forum lately? ^_^

A few months ago, my mother told me a girl I liked as a teen came to her back in the day and told her she loved me, but my mother kept her secret all these years instead of telling me. WHAT THE HELL, MOM? ^_^
 
Skade

Skade

Member
Oct 28, 2017
8,869
Can't you just say "no, thank you" ?

Like that you don't want to get married or something, no matter with who ?

Depends on the culture i guess, but i see nothing wrong in prefering to stay celibate (or pretending to, in your case).
 
BeforeU

BeforeU

Banned for use of alt account
Banned
Oct 30, 2017
1,936
I would rather tell my dad than some stranger about my personal life, so I would suggest you to do the same. Its going to suck but in long run, its the right thing to do. He will eventually know anyway. I am surprised your mom held it together without telling youe dad.
 
.exe

.exe

Member
Oct 25, 2017
22,242
I'm sure you know your family and the cultural circumstances where you live better than I do, so I won't tell you that you need to come out to your father. Very superficial but the easiest thing to pull off: ask your dad if he's got a picture (e.g. from social media), say that she is not your type at all, decline. I wouldn't try the 'ol "Canadian girlfriend" trick. Seems a bit transparent. Organizing a bad date is a bit disrespectful toward your date. Could go on it and simply say that there was no connection. No need to purposefully ruin it.
 
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Tugatrix

Tugatrix

The Fallen
Oct 26, 2017
3,263
But you should get to that confrontation asap, I know you don't want it, you're scared and all, but you should unburden that and come out for your father
 
B_Spooky13

B_Spooky13

Member
Oct 25, 2017
757
Michigan
If you are worried about losing your relationship with your dad i would say go on the date and say you aren't interested.

But you shouldn't hide yourself. Be who you are and be proud
 
cupcakeunicorn

cupcakeunicorn

Member
Oct 27, 2017
2,350
Kismet said:
Or should I go on a date and do or say things that might turn her off? My boyfriend doesn't want me to go on a date with her.

I cannot just say that I'm not interested. My father will get a fit. I've turned down way too many "potential wifes" in the past. I don't want that confrontation.

Maybe I should tell him that I already have a girlfriend and that she lives far away so he can't meet her?
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It sounds like you're elevating your father's feelings over yours or your boyfriend's. Is this really what you want to do? You're 35. At some point your own life and relationship need to be your priority or this sort of problem will keep happening.

The only real and permanent solution here is to tell your father you're gay. Anything else you try to do is a delaying tactic until he finds yet another girl.
 
Finale Fireworker

Finale Fireworker

Love each other or die trying.
Member
Oct 25, 2017
14,713
United States
At the very least, you should be honest with the girl. You don't have any reason to suspect she would turn around and tell your father, would she? Because obviously if she knew the reality of this situation she wouldn't want to go on the date either. Maybe she'd be very understanding.
 
Bowl0l

Bowl0l

Member
Oct 27, 2017
4,608
Rise the ante. Time to introduce your boyfriend to the family.
Or if you can't, meet the girl with a girlfriend.
 
Officer Big Mac

Officer Big Mac

Member
Oct 28, 2017
22,596
Telling a stranger who has no loyalty to you sounds like a bad idea. If you think telling your dad is something you cant do then just do what you can to wave your dad away. Tell him you'll call and then just dont do anything.
 
Lunchbox

Lunchbox

ƃuoɹʍ ʇᴉ ƃuᴉop ǝɹ,noʎ 'ʇɥƃᴉɹ sᴉɥʇ pɐǝɹ noʎ ɟI
Banned
Oct 27, 2017
7,548
Rip City
I gotta be honest Chief, you gotta lay it down on pops and clear the air.
 
CaughtBeing

CaughtBeing

Banned
Oct 27, 2017
162
You are going to be always gay. So... Either tell your dad or don't. It is not going to change the fact that you are going to be gay 20 years from now. Either risk your current relationship to appease your father, or don't. Either make everyone happy except yourself or not.
 
orochi91

orochi91

Member
Oct 26, 2017
9,819
Canada
Had an acquaintance go through something similar.

He just pretended to have erectile dysfunction. His family never bothered him about marriage again, lol
 

TokyoJoe

Member
Oct 28, 2017
1,044
Best way to get out of this is to tell him you are not interested. From a friend I knew, who was in exactly the same situation, it was the dad that finally asked him if he was gay. The dad found peace with the answer. He's your dad and you know him better than any one.
 
cameron

cameron

The Fallen
Oct 26, 2017
23,828
Since your mother and sisters already know, maybe they can help you have the conversation with your father.
 
dennett316

dennett316

Member
Nov 2, 2017
2,982
Blackpool, UK
I think the worst move would be to put that info in the hands of someone you don't know and just hope they won't blab...of course they will. She may not tell your father directly, but she will tell someone in her family, then they'll pass it on, and her dad will be spilling it to your dad in no time. It's really best if it comes from you, because him trying to set you up is only going to get more frequent, and you'll eventually run out of excuses.
I can't really imagine how tough that convo will be with how you describe your dad, and I know that potential to change your relationship with him in a bad way is daunting, but it'll still be better if he hears it from you than through the grapevine. Maybe have your mother and sisters there for support? Good luck, and I hope it goes well so you can be happier.
 
EvilBoris

EvilBoris

Prophet of Truth - HDTVtest
Verified
Oct 29, 2017
16,686
Can you speak to your mother and sisters about how to communicate this to you dad? It sounds like it's very complicated if he is very traditional , however it might be even more complicated and potentially embarrassing (not because of who you are, but because others already knew ) if you reveal this to a stranger and the news travels via a non-direct means. Especially when you have no idea of what those individuals will behave, especially if there is an element of community involved.

I appreciate this is meant to be about you, but it shows very much that you care about your dad and how he might react.
From his perspective perhaps he is doing this because he cares about you and this is his way to try and look after you (in perhaps the only way that he knows) , you need him to stop using his energy on something pointless.
 
Seijuro

Seijuro

Member
Oct 25, 2017
3,858
I honestly see no other outcome than you (or your mother) having to tell your dad sooner or later. Even if you plan to outlast him, you never marrying when it's so important to him is always going to put a strain on the relationship.
Do absolutely not tell a complete stranger whose family is friends with your father that you're gay.
 
Son Lamar

Son Lamar

Banned
Oct 27, 2017
3,238
Alabama
Finale Fireworker said:
At the very least, you should be honest with the girl. You don't have any reason to suspect she would turn around and tell your father, would she? Because obviously if she knew the reality of this situation she wouldn't want to go on the date either. Maybe she'd be very understanding.
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Why take that risk with a stranger maybe she will be made she got set up on a date with a gay man and tell everyone out if spite bad advice

Op needs to grow up and either tell his father he is gay or tell him no im not going on a date the op os making this situation worse by entertaining the notion
 
Booki

Booki

Banned
Oct 25, 2017
4,865
Brooklyn
The best move is to tell your Pops. It's better for you to tell him yourself instead of him putting the pieces together or someone else letting the news slip.
 
MIMIC

MIMIC

Member
Dec 18, 2017
8,333
Wait...your whole family knows except for your dad?

How?

EDIT: Oh, your mom's sisters.

Meh, either just tell your dad or just come up with a way to reject the proposals if you don't want things to get messy.
 
Quacktion

Quacktion

One Winged Slayer
Member
Oct 27, 2017
6,479
I mean, you're 35. Talk with your dad, and if it goes sour just detach from him, you have your own life now. Either way this goes it will eliminate the problem.
 
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