especially one with a super religious family. the potential repercussions... some posts itt are wildly insensitive.
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My father wants me to meet this girl...
- Thread starter Kismet
- Start date
especially one with a super religious family. the potential repercussions... some posts itt are wildly insensitive.
35 years old. Pretty much a grown up individual adult that shouldn't be leeched by family. So yes, grow up courage or spine to tell them what is what and makes things due. Pretty much at point in life where you need to be living your life your way. The other alternative is to keep going until dad is dead and then no worries but that is going to be a while eh.
And this might split the family, yes. But you are going to be in the shadows rest of your life then.
But shit don't tell a stranger you are a gay, that's can of worms. Just make date bad or seem not interested and make no flow happen or convo
And this might split the family, yes. But you are going to be in the shadows rest of your life then.
But shit don't tell a stranger you are a gay, that's can of worms. Just make date bad or seem not interested and make no flow happen or convo
If you tell her, your dad will find out. With her age her parents are also hounding her to get married almost certainly and she will use anything to show how hard it is.
Its a dick move to force a shitty date, you are wasting her time and will reinforce in her mind that "she waited too long".
Maybe if you know a straight guy whose cool and single and the right age you could bring him along instead and tell her you are seeing someone but aren't ready to talk to your family about it but let her hang out with your friend, I dunno thats kinda weird but at least nice.
Its a dick move to force a shitty date, you are wasting her time and will reinforce in her mind that "she waited too long".
Maybe if you know a straight guy whose cool and single and the right age you could bring him along instead and tell her you are seeing someone but aren't ready to talk to your family about it but let her hang out with your friend, I dunno thats kinda weird but at least nice.
Research the culture
Its his father, not everyone has that its my like idc about what people think of me mentality. People like to keep their family bond sometimes.
Truth
Yep, dont tell the girl because her family might find out and possibly tell your father.
The weird thing about good advice is that good advice takes into consideration your point of view, culture and circumstances.
A lot of people are giving you advice from their view which may not be helpful at all to you. This is a gaming forum after all and we all know the stats on that.
Have you tried gay communities online?
it would be shitty if you tell the girl and she ends up telling your father. The best situation is for you to tell your dad even if you think it would be bad. I can't think of a situation turning out better then this as he will eventually find out.
Don't tell ANYTHING to this girl you don't even know.
If you aren't coming out, then just tell your dad "No". You're fucking 35 I don't give a fuck what culture you are part of just say no.
Anyways good luck, I'm glad the rest of your family is supportive at least.
If you aren't coming out, then just tell your dad "No". You're fucking 35 I don't give a fuck what culture you are part of just say no.
Anyways good luck, I'm glad the rest of your family is supportive at least.
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You guys telling OP to tell his dad need to be more respectful. We don't know a single thing about his family life. There are certainly, without a doubt, fathers who have disowned sons they loved because they couldn't handle the perceived shame of having a gay son. That's a terrible thing, but it's true. If OP still wants to have a relationship with his father, not telling him may be the only way to do it. We're not in a position to know and give advice on that. Please consider that.
Yup. Exactly the same. Case closed.
Yup. Exactly the same. Case closed.
This is easy for me to say, and likely difficult for you to do. If you want to somehow get out of meeting her, I think you have to find a way to do this without lying to your father. I am not saying you should come out to him, even if you don't want to. I am saying don't make up girlfriends that don't exist. That can only back fire.
You will likely have to say you don't want to meet her and are not interested.
You will likely have to say you don't want to meet her and are not interested.
The father is a grown-ass man, he should be able to handle it.
The problem many of us in this thread won't be considering is the massive pressure to build families in many Middle Eastern, Asian and muslim cultures. It's literally all any adult will talk about a lot of the time. Marriage, how many kids, who's matching with who, etc. There's a huge financial aspect in that it provides stability and money being shared/passed around, helping businesses, etc.
In the West we've got a full libertarian lifestyle of "every person is their own person and nobody else can/has to affect them". This is not true of most of the world. OP will be fully embroiled in this big complicated familial soup and going against the grain will result in excommunication/derision from lots of people, not just his dad.
Tell your dad a firm no.
You don't have to come out if you don't want to, as that can be difficult with religious families.
However, you are still a grown man, and your father is gonna have to respect your autonomy. Be clear, you can choose who you want, he does not choose for you.
You don't have to come out if you don't want to, as that can be difficult with religious families.
However, you are still a grown man, and your father is gonna have to respect your autonomy. Be clear, you can choose who you want, he does not choose for you.
You know OP I think he knows or at least strongly suspect. He talks that way to bend you into the hetero side (he thinks things work that way, or clings to the idea). If he's a narcissist he only rejects gays because of fear of judgment of others for who you are, he's not concern with your happiness only his. Tell it's your life and happiness.
What about the consequences for his mother, his sister and his brothers??
As a fellow Albanian I feel bad for you knowing how strict/shitty our country/population is when it comes to LGBTQ people.
All I can really say is good luck.
All I can really say is good luck.
everyone living in fear over telling the truth to a man? fuck all that. it's toxic family environment that only exists because of some archaic worry that the man must be coddled or everything will fall a part. if the family is strong it will exist regardless of what the father thinks.
You're being very naive on this matter. If the OP's father reacts the way he expect him to and his father cannot physically do anything to him, do you think he would just steam on his own without lashing out at the people closest to him?
The OP specifically said his father would blame his mother for him being gay and we don't know the extent of the potential consequences that would ensue.
This is an awful situation.
I'm not familiar with your family's cultural background, so I won't tell you to come out to him, although you should do it eventually,
it's not good to pretend to be someone you aren't.
At the very least you shouldn't try the fake date, it wouldn't be fair to her, also don't tell her you're gay, unless you want everyone finding out.
I guess all I can say is good luck
I'm not familiar with your family's cultural background, so I won't tell you to come out to him, although you should do it eventually,
it's not good to pretend to be someone you aren't.
At the very least you shouldn't try the fake date, it wouldn't be fair to her, also don't tell her you're gay, unless you want everyone finding out.
I guess all I can say is good luck
This is bad advice... You don't have to lie to her, you can just say you're not interested. These "Well if you're lying about being gay, you may as well lie and be awful about everything" posts are just silly. It's up to you whether you want to tell your Dad about your boyfriend or not, but there is zero reason to string along a third party to this.
If you aren't interested in her then you aren't interested.
What your grandma did (good for her) has NOTHING to do with what his dad would do.
Should he? Of course. That's not what's being discussed here
This is not helpful at all
This is so wrong. Don't listen to this advice, anyone that is in a similar situation
You don't think? Have you read what the OP has said about exactly this?
Tell your father, be prepared to lose him for a while, and don't make this other lady's day miserable with fake bad dates. She had nothing to do with any of this.
I'm a straight woman, but when I was 21 my mom set me up on a date with another Muslim boy while I was dating someone else.
I ended up going on the date and telling the dude I didn't want to get married 🤷🏽♀️ he was also in the same position but just wanted to make his mom happy. When I told my mom that our date involved us strolling around the city, she thought he was inappropriate and called it off 😂
Anyway, what I want to say is that devout Muslim parents are crazy, and no matter how you much you try accommodate, they will never be happy. My mom ended up finding out about my relationship and we currently don't speak to each other, but the quality of my life has drastically improved.
I ended up going on the date and telling the dude I didn't want to get married 🤷🏽♀️ he was also in the same position but just wanted to make his mom happy. When I told my mom that our date involved us strolling around the city, she thought he was inappropriate and called it off 😂
Anyway, what I want to say is that devout Muslim parents are crazy, and no matter how you much you try accommodate, they will never be happy. My mom ended up finding out about my relationship and we currently don't speak to each other, but the quality of my life has drastically improved.
I wouldn't involve the woman at all, not by telling her a lie or by taking her on a shitty date. I don't share your cultural background, so I've got no insight on those dynamics, so I can't comment there. There is just no reason to treat a stranger poorly in an effort to further deceive your father. Continue to lie to him or just tell him you're not interested, but leave the woman who has nothing to do with your relationship with your father out of it.
Tell your dad you are a gay and ask him to set you up with a nice Alabanian boy.
Worst case scenario, he disowns you and you get to live a peaceful life without him. A few years down the road, he will be alone and will take you back.
Best case scenario, you have a hot date with an alabnian dude.
Worst case scenario, he disowns you and you get to live a peaceful life without him. A few years down the road, he will be alone and will take you back.
Best case scenario, you have a hot date with an alabnian dude.
Agree with you. So many people here exist in theory and theory only which is fine I guess but when they start giving people really awful, uninformed and unmanageable advice they should just go fuck themselves.
It doesn't really respect his boyfriend. Whatever solution he comes up with likely has to respect that fact that he has a boyfriend. Doing this, without coming out to his father, will be difficult. He likely should just keep it to a simple "no I'm not interested" and deal with the blowback.
Actually worse case scenerio is his dad acts on the violence he's already expressed (The man has said that gays should be executed)
Well, I guess the boyfriend also have to accept his choices (if he doesn't want to tell due to risking his family), it isn't a one way here.
Is being a gay Muslim any different than being say a gay Catholic, for example? Is homosexuality more shunned in Muslim culture? Is your dad a homophobe? Not sure I fully understand
You're 35, just be honest with your dad. I always believe that honesty is the best policy. Its your life, if he cant handle it, then tough titties.
You're 35, just be honest with your dad. I always believe that honesty is the best policy. Its your life, if he cant handle it, then tough titties.
Oh it's far more difficult being a gay muslim, the entrenched views are really archaic and inhuman. Nobody can give proper advice here, it's a tough situation, best of luck!
Don't go on the date or involve the girl, don't tell your dad, but be prepared for him to suspect or find out one day.
What? the title was click bait. I never minimized his fears. What's up with the outrage?
There is a lot of genuinely awful advice in this thread.
"Just tell him" yeah ok pal. Some of you are seriously divorced from reality. Your life/culture/community/family isn't what everyone else has.
"Just tell him" yeah ok pal. Some of you are seriously divorced from reality. Your life/culture/community/family isn't what everyone else has.
I don't get it though. You're a grown ass man/adult. If you're financially stable, why care about what your dad can do for you? Not saying it won't be rough, but I can't imagine being closeted for so long (I'm hetero though).
So either give an authoritative "no" or come out. As it is, if you got married, he wouldn't come to the wedding whether he knew or not. So why trouble yourself to keep it secret?
Again, what can your dad do for you as a 35 year old man?
OP
OP
I've been with quite a lot of girls in the past. I even brought them to my parents. But it was more as a camouflage. I came out to my friends and my family quite late in my life. I just didn't want to live a lie anymore. But my dad still needs to live in this lie, otherwise the whole family will be ruined. He's the type of guy that will never approve or understand me being gay. And I don't want to ruin my family with this. Sometimes it's better to lie.
I live in the Netherlands by the way.
And that's what counts. Parents aren't always right. I'm sorry about your mom. I'm so glad my mom understands and supports me. But in the end, even without any support from friends of family: I know what I want. And there's nothing wrong with how I feel.
And don't make me take decisions because the decision will be made quick. I will always choose for myself and my own happiness. Telling my dad about this won't be making anyone happy.
I live in the Netherlands by the way.
And that's what counts. Parents aren't always right. I'm sorry about your mom. I'm so glad my mom understands and supports me. But in the end, even without any support from friends of family: I know what I want. And there's nothing wrong with how I feel.
And don't make me take decisions because the decision will be made quick. I will always choose for myself and my own happiness. Telling my dad about this won't be making anyone happy.
Jeez man that's rough but think about your happiness before anybody else.
If you tell him that you aren't interested on dating and that for the moment you are focused on different things what would happen? I think that's a sensible solution to your current predicament.
I'm assuming you live your own life, have your own home, means of employment, etc. and are not dependant on your dad? If this is the case, its time to be truthful with dad. He might not like it, and things might be unpleasant (understatement), but its far worse to live a lie, and even worse if he found out about this through some other means. Time to rip off the band aid.
But what about yourself? You have to suffer for the rest of your father's life? That's awful!
If your family's happiness is that important to you, I guess enjoy living a lie. I'm sorry you feel you have to go that route. But sooner or later, these situations have a way of coming out in the open anyway.