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My father wants me to meet this girl...

Messofanego

Messofanego

Member
Oct 25, 2017
26,094
UK
VeePs said:
Doesn't seem like the problem is telling the dad.

It's the after effects. Dad will be upset. Family relations will be ruined. He won't get over it. He'll be upset at his wife for not telling him earlier. Lots of drama, etc.


Good luck OP.
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Is Kismet waiting for the day when his dad can't do anything against him when he eventually finds out about his sexuality, like when he's 90 or close to death? If his mom or her side of the family haven't done anything and if the dad would disown then stick with the good side of the family.
 
GoldenEye 007

GoldenEye 007

Roll Tide, Y'all!
Banned
Oct 25, 2017
13,833
Texas
I mean out of all the options, the most logical seems to be "Not interested, not going on a date." And he can have his fit. Are you dependent on him financially? That could complicate things, but I mean, you're 35 and a full blown adult. Have to cut the cord sometime.
 
Kisaya

Kisaya

Member
Oct 25, 2017
1,176
Kismet said:
And don't make me take decisions because the decision will be made quick. I will always choose for myself and my own happiness. Telling my dad about this won't be making anyone happy.
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I personally don't think you should tell your dad-- I never had the courage to tell my parents anything. Just be prepared if he ends up finding out. It was a year of emotional and physical abuse from my mom that almost drove me to suicide before I decided to escape that household. I also had a lot of guilt about the wellbeing of my dad and siblings, but they had no interest in supporting me, so I can't put myself down for leaving them behind.
 
Zhukov

Zhukov

Banned
Dec 6, 2017
2,641
Tell everyone that you got tested and found out that you're medically infertile.

...

Joking, joking.

Or am I?
 
ty_hot

ty_hot

Banned
Dec 14, 2017
7,176
If there is pressure on your side I am sure there will be even more on the girl. It doesn't matter how you fuck up he date, she will be still interested because that's what she is supposed to do. Dont go on the date.
 
Buddy

Buddy

Member
Oct 25, 2017
1,295
Germany
I would say I'm interested in a girl who is living far away and I'm regularly talking to her online. I will try to make it work with that girl and am not interested in others at the moment.

I'm a son of a Muslim family too and I understand op to 100%
My parents wouldn't let me date a non Muslim girl and after they found out I did it behind their back all hell broke loose.
And that was just for dating a German girl...if I where gay and they'd found out my father would freak out...he would throw me out and never talk to me again and wouldn't allow my mother/sisters to have contact to me.

I'm sorry op you going through this with your family.
 

Deleted member 9135

Banned
Oct 26, 2017
5,435
Does the OP live with mom and dad? There may be an underlying fear of losing support. This is common in the culture and wouldn't surprise me . I know a Pakistani here in austin Tx going through this exact same scenario.
 
BlackGoku03

BlackGoku03

Member
Oct 25, 2017
7,271
Buddy said:
I would say I'm interested in a girl who is living far away and I'm regularly talking to her online. I will try to make it work with that girl and am not interested in others at the moment.

I'm a son of a Muslim family too and I understand op to 100%
My parents wouldn't let me date a non Muslim girl and after they found out I did it behind their back all hell broke loose.
And that was just for dating a German girl...if I where gay and they'd found out my father would freak out...he would throw me out and never talk to me again and wouldn't allow my mother/sisters to have contact to me.

I'm sorry op you going through this with your family.
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That's so fuckin terrible. Good Lord. I never went through that as a black kid whose dad is a Church Minister at every AF base we moved to. I had GFs who were atheist, bi, and white and my parents never minded. In fact, most of my GFs were white. I now realize how fortunate I was.
 
Gunslinger

Gunslinger

Banned
Oct 27, 2017
2,401
I would tell TC to come out but having a few Albanian friend I know how conservative their parents are. Good luck TC I hope you get to be with the person you love.
 
Sai

Sai

Prophet of Truth
The Fallen
Oct 25, 2017
5,601
Chicago
CaughtBeing said:
But don't pretend that your father will love you for who you are, if you don't come out. He'll love the persona that you created. And that's it.
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This is true, but given my experience with uptight-religious folks, his father wouldn't care too much for who he was if he did come out. Better to be fake and safe around your parents, if you rely on them for anything.
 
subpar spatula

subpar spatula

Refuses to Wash his Ass
Member
Oct 26, 2017
22,075
Tell your dad you're gay. If he starts to disown you then disown him first. Hang up and ignore his calls. Better to bandaid removal this.
 
fanboi

fanboi

Banned
Oct 25, 2017
6,702
Sweden
Messofanego said:
Is Kismet waiting for the day when his dad can't do anything against him when he eventually finds out about his sexuality, like when he's 90 or close to death? If his mom or her side of the family haven't done anything and if the dad would disown then stick with the good side of the family.
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That is why he is asking us... for help and suggestions.
 
Brakke

Brakke

Banned
Oct 27, 2017
3,798
You a grown ass man who can't talk to his dad. You a grown ass man getting set up with a "girl." Girl?
 
Steeped in a Sea of Games

Steeped in a Sea of Games

The Fallen
Oct 25, 2017
6,948
All I can say is that I personally could never live a lie like that. Your entire relationship with your father is a falsehood. I don't even understand why someone would want to keep a relationship that was based on a lie to begin with. Meh.
 
DFG

DFG

Self requested ban
Banned
Oct 25, 2017
3,591
Brakke said:
You a grown ass man who can't talk to his dad. You a grown ass man getting set up with a "girl." Girl?
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It's a cultural thing. With Muslims, especially even so. Depending on how strict and religious a family is, the worse the reaction to it is. Some have been disowned for coming out as gay.
 

Deleted member 5549

User requested account closure
Banned
Oct 25, 2017
1,198
Steeped in a Sea of Games said:
All I can say is that I personally could never live a lie like that. Your entire relationship with your father is a falsehood. I don't even understand why someone would want to keep a relationship that was based on a lie to begin with. Meh.
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from OP's responses I'd say he tolerates his dad while trying to keep a relationship with anybody else.
 
psynergyadept

psynergyadept

Member
Oct 26, 2017
15,568
You're going to have to tell your dad sooner or latter or have him constantly bug you about why you're still "single." I wouldn;t want you to cut your father out of your life but you shouldn't have to live life like youe lifestyle would be a burden to your father. You're 35 and have the right to love as you please, try to at least move to a more LGBTQ friendly community.
 
Mahonay

Mahonay

Member
Oct 25, 2017
33,314
Pencils Vania
OP I know it's hard. My dad came from a staunchly Mennonite family and didn't come out to his parents until he was like 40. I was there and it was pretty traumatic, but they got over it.

My grandfather passed almost 20 years ago, but my grandmother is good enough with it now that she happily has dinners with my dad and his husband, they get along well.
 
DWarriorSN

DWarriorSN

One Winged Slayer
Member
Oct 25, 2017
3,130
PA
If you are a grown man working and living on his own i think you should just tell him.

I dont think i could live with myself if i had to live lying about something so pivotal to my being to my own dad.

Like he's your parent, he's supposed to love you the most.

Religion is stupid.
 
Trickster

Trickster

Banned
Oct 25, 2017
6,533
Like, I could understand not telling him if you were financially reliant on him. But it sounds like you have your life well put together. So to me it seems like the only real solution is to tell your dad. The other "solution" is to keep lying to him and hope he never realizes it. But I don't see what the appeal of the second option is whatsoever. Like, he's your father, and there's obviously a ton of emotions involved. However at the end of the day, living a lie to avoid a potential confrontation with someone that don't accept a core part of who you are just does not seem worth it honestly.
 
Mipmap

Mipmap

One Winged Slayer
Member
Nov 1, 2017
378
OP, can you chat with the girl before hand and tell her you're gay? If she's understanding maybe you two could still hang out with no pressure. And you make a new friend in the process.
 
Wackamole

Wackamole

Member
Oct 27, 2017
16,931
lenovox1 said:
Um... Have some respect for other's cultures. The entire world does not work like America.
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"Cultural" is not some word that exculpates people from inhumane ideas/ traditions or actions.
Same for western countries. The Netherlands had Zwarte Piet. The Dutch never thought anything bad about this "cultural tradition". But when black people IN the Netherlands and people from other countries started to talk about how racist and inhumane it was it slowly started to change. Now Blackface is (slowly) getting replaced by all colors of the rainbow.

"Cultural" doesn't mean we have to respect it. In fact, fuck "cultural" when it gets in the way of being humane.

Hate for homosexuals is nothing to be proud of.
 
Wackamole

Wackamole

Member
Oct 27, 2017
16,931
Kismet said:
He's a devout muslim and a racist homophobe...

- I am gay
- my boyfriend is dark
- I love pork
- I am atheist

He will get a heart attack if I tell him EVERYTHING lol
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Haha, yeah that's probably true. On some level i hope you underestimate how openminded he can be towards you but you're probably right.
 
Raxus

Raxus

Member
Oct 26, 2017
7,454
You might as well throw that grenade.

I cant imagine he will play the fool forever.
 
TurokTTZ

TurokTTZ

Member
Oct 25, 2017
597
my suggestion would get me banned so forget it.

Have you talked to your boyfriend about this? dude has a say in this too.
 
OP
OP

Kismet

Banned
Nov 9, 2017
1,432
TurokTTZ said:
my suggestion would get me banned so forget it.

Have you talked to your boyfriend about this? dude has a say in this too.
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Just so everybody knows: this thread isn't about me wanting to come out to my father. Because I won't come out. It's about how to handle some situations when you have to stay in the closet.

And yes, I talked to my bf about this. He tells me not to date the girl. He also knows and understands by now that I don't want to come out to my dad. He respects it, eventhough he finds it a shame. I already met his parents and they're very open about our relationship. His father is an atheist and his mother a hindu. Both very educated and understanding.
 
Aftermath

Aftermath

Member
Oct 27, 2017
3,756
Please do not date this girl, it is unfair to her, unfair to your boyfriend and basically unfair to yourself to go through such a situation to please your dad.

Unfortunately your stuck in a situation where this sort of thing can not and will not go away with your dad, and you can't come out to your dad, so you will be stuck in this never ending circle, because if somehow you got him off your back over this one, soon it will be another and another and another.

I am so sorry you are stuck in this situation since I cannot suggest any idea to help you since your min problem is your dad not the girl, the only thing I think you can do then is let him have a fit over you refusing to date this girl, it is better for him to throw a fit over that than to Have to come out to him right?

Best of luck, I am sorry you are stuck with such a father, my father too is homophobic and racist, whilst myself I am straight, my cousin on my dads side just recently in the past year admitted to my mum he is gay or bisexual he is unsure and left his wife, my mum has decided to not tell my dad since she doesn't want the family to split, since we are close to my dads sisters family. Also my cousins own father has since left , headed for divorce which I suspect due to finding out about my cousin and yet my father doesn't know the reason yet my dads sister just tells him things didn't work out between her and her husband anymore.
 
TurokTTZ

TurokTTZ

Member
Oct 25, 2017
597
Kismet said:
Just so everybody knows: this thread isn't about me wanting to come out to my father. Because I won't come out. It's about how to handle some situations when you have to stay in the closet.

And yes, I talked to my bf about this. He tells me not to date the girl. He also knows and understands by now that I don't want to come out to my dad. He respects it, eventhough he finds it a shame. I already met his parents and they're very open about our relationship. His father is an atheist and his mother a hindu. Both very educated and understanding.
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ftr, my suggestion wouldn't involve you coming out at all. my suggestion requires not words but action. Action speaks louder than words and carry more weight. talking to your dad is a waste of time and effort.

I will not say any more than this.
 
ArjanN

ArjanN

Member
Oct 25, 2017
10,103
Raxus said:
You might as well throw that grenade.

I cant imagine he will play the fool forever.
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It's only worth telling his dad if he thinks his dad will come around eventually, or he's willing to cut his dad out his life completely. Otherwise he might as well keep making excuses.

And yeah, his dad almost certainly knows on some level and just wants to keep up appearances to the outside world, but as long as you give people plausible deniability they can lie to themselves almost forever.
 
weekev

weekev

Is this a test?
Member
Oct 25, 2017
6,213
Kismet said:
Not tell him. Because it will ruin their relationship as well. The whole family will suffer.

And I don't see any reason why I should tell him.

Maybe I could add on top that I'm a pork loving atheist as well. Which I am. So no.
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how does she think you should deal with this girl? I think your Mum probably will hold the best advice of how to sensitively deal with this whilst ensuring you dont mess up your relationship with your boyfriend.
 

Deleted member 41178

User requested account closure
Banned
Mar 18, 2018
2,903
Kismet said:
Just so everybody knows: this thread isn't about me wanting to come out to my father. Because I won't come out. It's about how to handle some situations when you have to stay in the closet.

And yes, I talked to my bf about this. He tells me not to date the girl. He also knows and understands by now that I don't want to come out to my dad. He respects it, eventhough he finds it a shame. I already met his parents and they're very open about our relationship. His father is an atheist and his mother a hindu. Both very educated and understanding.
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I feel for you OP I really do, I would hate to be in this position.

Do you not worry that someone will see you out and about with your boyfriend and that word will get back to your dad that way, I can't imagine living with that constant fear.
 

lidmat

Banned
Jun 18, 2018
502
Kismet said:
He's a devout muslim and a racist homophobe...

- I am gay
- my boyfriend is dark
- I love pork
- I am atheist

He will get a heart attack if I tell him EVERYTHING lol
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Yeah. Just come out with all that at dinner tonight.

EDIT: Seriously. How could you hide all that from your parents? They don't see you often, I take it.
 
papermoon

papermoon

The Fallen
Oct 27, 2017
1,907
fanboi said:
He stated that the father would blame his mother and may or may not punish them.
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Kismet said:
Regarding my situation...
I don't want to boast but I'm doing fucking great. I'm a happy person. :D
I have an amazing permanent job with good salary. I have my own house and my own car. My boyfriend earns like 2x my salary. He lives in Germany and has his house there. He even has a vacation house in Mauritius where we can go to if everything goes to hell :P

I would just love to introduce him to my family, have family diners together etc. It just won't happen.

I'm not someone who gets envious quick, but I do envy the people here who, presumably can tell everything to their parents and they would accept it.
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You've ruled out:

1/ coming out to your dad
2/ saying no to meeting this woman

You're doing well financially and your life is great?

If the fear is that other family members will face your father's wrath, then consider helping them out of a situation where their safety may be being held hostage by a father who can't/won't face reality.

If - in subsequent posts - you defend your dad as a person who wouldn't harm his family after discovering that his son is gay, then you have no excuse. You're "doing fucking great." So either help your family or don't use them as an excuse to avoid merely unpleasant inconveniences.
 
takriel

takriel

Attempted to circumvent ban with alt account
Banned
Oct 25, 2017
10,221
I'm really sorry that things are still that hard for homosexuals in certain cultures.

Are you still dependent on your father? Or do you live a life without his influence? In the latter case, I would honestly tell him everything. He might despise you for it, he might start ignoring you, but it's the best you can do. You have to hope that he will understand somehow, in time.

If he doesn't, well, then you're better off without him, anyway. It's a hard truth to accept.
 
Stop It

Stop It

Bad Cat
Member
Oct 25, 2017
6,349
Kismet said:
Regarding my situation...
I don't want to boast but I'm doing fucking great. I'm a happy person. :D
I have an amazing permanent job with good salary. I have my own house and my own car. My boyfriend earns like 2x my salary. He lives in Germany and has his house there. He even has a vacation house in Mauritius where we can go to if everything goes to hell :P


I would just love to introduce him to my family, have family diners together etc. It just won't happen.

I'm not someone who gets envious quick, but I do envy the people here who, presumably can tell everything to their parents and they would accept it.
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You're doing great yet you're living a lie because you don't want your dad to react badly?

You're 35, yet you seem to cede control to your dad when it comes to such an important part of your life?

No. This has to stop at some point. If things go badly, they go badly, what's worse than spending your entire life worried about your dad judging you for not being a "family man" when you know his concept isn't going to ever happen.

If you lie this time, how many more times are you going to have to continue the lies?

I know it's not easy, but making your sexuality such a secret isn't positive. You've got nothing to be ashamed of after all. I'm sorry that you even have had to do so, because it's certainly not fair on you.
 
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