My gf has diagnose anxiety and depression and it’s taking it’s toll on me

raitosaito

Member
Oct 28, 2017
318
I been in this relationship with my current gf for almost 6 months now, and overall it’s been great. We get along really well, great chemistry, enjoy similar hobbies, and just what you want in a healthy relationship. Only problem is her diagnosed anxiety and depression which manifest often as attacks towards me, and maybe appears strongly between 1-5 times a month depending on just what is happening in our lives.

Due to what I do for a living ai can afford to accommodate her wanting to leave public settings early, or change our plans on the fly. And even if she’s irritable i’m great at giving space and doing small gestures after everything subside (like making a meal for both of us), which seems to work out.

Lately though she’s been placing blame on me when she has episodes, and I’ve addressed this multiple times because we have open dialogue about all major aspects of our lives. During these discussions there’s usually a gameplan like “I will tell you when to leave me alone or not text me so you won’t be receiving mean or petty messages from me.” Something along those lines are usually discuss, and I have no problem as I said giving space; still it usually turns into something that I did when a situation arises. Of course she apologizes afterwards, and comforts me heavily, but I don’t want her to blame the actions mainly caused by her mental illness, and would rather just have us follow through on methods we’ve talked about. I honestly don’t know what to do, and she is taking all her medication as prescribed or at least I’m making sure she is. I don’t want this to be a breaking point down the line, and if I could, I would mentally fortify myself more to handle her outburst, but as of right now I’m just running out of physical and emotional stamina.

Era if you have ever face something like this please let me know.
 

Vern

Member
Oct 26, 2017
3,535
Pretty much exactly like my current relationship. I’ve been with my gf like 7 months and she’s got depression and anxiety too. It’s hurting me and our relationship. I try to give her space when necessary, but I still get blamed for not being there to support her or whatever. It’s rough. For the most part our relationship is awesome, just a few days a month she has these episodes that are just nuts. Been trying to figure out if it’s worth it to stay. Don’t have much advice for you OP, just that I feel what you are going through. Curious what other people have to say.
 

Psychoward

Member
Nov 7, 2017
17,148
I have depression and anxiety and I've been with people who have both as well. If she's blaming you and making you feel like shit and you guys haven't even been dating that long then maybe just break it off tbh.

Came into this thread expecting you to be mad at her for feeling down tbh which would be pretty shitty but this is a bit different and less justifiable from her PoV.

Edit: is the diagnosis recent? Has she tried other meds or other therapists/psychiatrists?
 

nekkid

Member
Oct 27, 2017
8,013
You’re feeling this way only six months in. I reckon this probably won’t get any better for you, and may even get worse as the weight of a committed relationship takes its toll.

It sounds harsh but you’re not in so deep that you don’t have a choice to step away. You may feel some responsibility to her but you also have to think about yourself.

Think long and hard whether this is the life you want, because one day it’ll be either too late or it’ll be much more devastating if you left.
 
OP
OP
raitosaito

raitosaito

Member
Oct 28, 2017
318
Pretty much exactly like my current relationship. I’ve been with my gf like 7 months and she’s got depression and anxiety too. It’s hurting me and our relationship. I try to give her space when necessary, but I still get blamed for not being there to support her or whatever. It’s rough. For the most part our relationship is awesome, just a few days a month she has these episodes that are just nuts. Been trying to figure out if it’s worth it to stay. Don’t have much advice for you OP, just that I feel what you are going through. Curious what other people have to say.
Thank you for chiming in, it’s nice just knowing others are facing similar issues on this board.

I have depression and anxiety and I've been with people who have both as well. If she's blaming you and making you feel like shit and you guys haven't even been dating that long then maybe just break it off tbh.

Came into this thread expecting you to be mad at her for feeling down tbh which would be pretty shitty but this is a bit different and less justifiable from her PoV.

Edit: is the diagnosis recent? Has she tried other meds or other therapists/psychiatrists?
We haven’t been dating extremely long, but her family, friends, and therapist have all said it was a lot worse before I came to the picture. I gave her structure apparently, and everyone seems to imprint some kind of savior image onto me. Also her current meds are supposedly the most effective so far, and I monitor and pill organizer. I know I don’t owe her or any of her associates anything, but being told that I helped her into a healthier life style kind of I guess makes me feel like I contribute to giving someone a much more positive life whom I truly care for. I guess figuiring out how to balance that with my own wellbeing is the real trick. idk honestly
 

IzzyRX

Avenger
Oct 28, 2017
3,094
My boyfriend has anxiety, but in two years of relationship, he only had one crisis that really scared me, but we handled it.
Honestly, if you're not feeling it and it's just six months, you should leave OP.
 

DeathyBoy

Member
Oct 29, 2017
1,390
Under my Hela Hela
Thank you for chiming in, it’s nice just knowing others are facing similar issues on this board.



We haven’t been dating extremely long, but her family, friends, and therapist have all said it was a lot worse before I came to the picture. I gave her structure apparently, and everyone seems to imprint some kind of savior image onto me. Also her current meds are supposedly the most effective so far, and I monitor and pill organizer. I know I don’t owe her or any of her associates anything, but being told that I helped her into a healthier life style kind of I guess makes me feel like I contribute to giving someone a much more positive life whom I truly care for. I guess figuiring out how to balance that with my own wellbeing is the real trick. idk honestly
It’s not your job to save her, she has to save herself.
 

Mozendo

Member
Oct 25, 2017
1,187
Northwestern Washington
So things like these take time and it's up to you if it's worth being in a relationship in, there's no real quick fixes even with medication.
What's really helped with my relationship is the constant positive reinforcement, and if you're already doing that great just keep at it.
 

Felt

The Fallen
Oct 27, 2017
2,883
I get this.. I was in your gf's position for some time and my gf at the time left me after 5 years so... You should definitely break up with her if you're feeling that way after 6 months.
 

Yataran

Member
Jul 17, 2018
151
Copenhagen, DK
It isn't easy, definitely, as I believe I nearly got myself into a similar situation. In a short period of 2-3 weeks after I started seeing this very nice and caring girl, I could see how she was going into a very negative state of mind, with suicidal thoughts and all that... I detached myself a bit, in the sense that I realised that it was better for her (and me) to provide some support as a friend rather than as something more. Even though she never was negative against me, it was quite messed up at times and it took up quite a lot of emotional energy from me... Especially because, despite my 'detachment', for a while we were in something that was, in my opinion, somewhere half way between friendship and something more. She was given some medication and after a while it was obvious that she started becoming more stable, but by then it seemed that she saw me mainly as a close good friend. I think that it's taking more time for me to disentangle and make sense of the feelings and emotions that developed over that period, and I'm focusing into other people now for 'romantic' purposes.
 

Nora

Member
Oct 25, 2017
1,969
I gave her structure apparently, and everyone seems to imprint some kind of savior image onto me.
That's very not good. That's not a healthy relationship dynamic for you or her. It's not your job to "fix" her. If she's lashing out at you 1-5 times a month, I don't think that's sustainable. It's very good that you're willing to be there for her, but don't fall into the trap of feeling responsible for her whole wellbeing.

I don't know what you should do. But emotionally abusing your partner is never okay. Depression and anxiety don't make you do that. She needs to learn better coping skills.
 
Mar 18, 2018
1,027
That just sounds like way too much effort/pressure for such a new relationship.

If I was in your shoes I'd break it off and move on.
 

Ramala

Member
Oct 28, 2017
2,386
Has she tried an anti-depressant? Maybe an SSRI like Lexapro or it's generic equivalent? Really helped me.
 

Pluto

Member
Oct 25, 2017
1,197
We haven’t been dating extremely long, but her family, friends, and therapist have all said it was a lot worse before I came to the picture. I gave her structure apparently, and everyone seems to imprint some kind of savior image onto me.
Bail out! That sounds completely unhealthy and is no basis for a proper relationship. If they put this amount of pressure on you while she continues to attack you at the same time you'll crumble sooner or later. If it was just her behavior it might be possible to find a solution but her family, friends etc. emotionally blackmailing you is a giant red flag.
 
OP
OP
raitosaito

raitosaito

Member
Oct 28, 2017
318
Bail out! That sounds completely unhealthy and is no basis for a proper relationship. If they put this amount of pressure on you while she continues to attack you at the same time you'll crumble sooner or later. If it was just her behavior it might be possible to find a solution but her family, friends etc. emotionally blackmailing you is a giant red flag.
I don’t feel emotionally blackmail by any means, mainly because they don’t know how she reacts with me and I doubt she would confide those actions without me knowing. Their opinions are base on just her new day to day outlook, but that’s how I know I can separate my final decision from their new perception of her.
 

WolfeTone

Member
Oct 25, 2017
261
We haven’t been dating extremely long, but her family, friends, and therapist have all said it was a lot worse before I came to the picture. I gave her structure apparently, and everyone seems to imprint some kind of savior image onto me. Also her current meds are supposedly the most effective so far, and I monitor and pill organizer. I know I don’t owe her or any of her associates anything, but being told that I helped her into a healthier life style kind of I guess makes me feel like I contribute to giving someone a much more positive life whom I truly care for. I guess figuiring out how to balance that with my own wellbeing is the real trick. idk honestly
Be very careful. It's not your job to fix her. It's normal to feel good about helping another person, but make sure you're not dating this person because it makes you feel good to help her with her problems.

I'd recommend breaking up before you get in too deep. Alternatively talk to your gf about it and discuss what about her actions hurts you, although it sounds like you've already done this.
 

Deadass

Member
Oct 27, 2017
710
Thank you for chiming in, it’s nice just knowing others are facing similar issues on this board.



We haven’t been dating extremely long, but her family, friends, and therapist have all said it was a lot worse before I came to the picture. I gave her structure apparently, and everyone seems to imprint some kind of savior image onto me. Also her current meds are supposedly the most effective so far, and I monitor and pill organizer. I know I don’t owe her or any of her associates anything, but being told that I helped her into a healthier life style kind of I guess makes me feel like I contribute to giving someone a much more positive life whom I truly care for. I guess figuiring out how to balance that with my own wellbeing is the real trick. idk honestly
lol just got out of a 2 yr relationship with this girl, anxiety, depression and some other issues.
Her mom told me i was also a source of stability in her life when she didn’t have one.
The sense of relief i felt after the relationship ended demonstrated to me how one sided it was.
I wish we broke up sooner given how it ended, but usually imo people who rely on others for stability are going to drain tf out of you and you won’t even know it til it ends.
 

obin_gam

Member
Oct 25, 2017
1,150
Sollefteå, Sweden
My fiance suffers from the same thing and I struggle to "feel like I can help enough" when she has bad days. It's tough and not fun at all. But my love for her hasn't changed and is not going to either, we're eachothers endgame.
We have an understanding that when she needs to be alone (i.e when she has a bad day), I give her just that - luckily I have my PS4 and she has her audiobooks, so this construct have managed to help us deal with the issue of anxiety attacks.
 

Golden

Member
Dec 9, 2018
468
It sounds like a lot of work, you've done what you can, i would move on. Don't be a martyr, life doesn't need to be so difficult.
 
Oct 30, 2017
589
I think you should try seeing a therapist (a different one to hers) to help you figure out how to deal with your own life in this situation.
 

XDevil666

Member
Oct 27, 2017
2,682
It’s mobile phones im telling you! Both of you get rid of mobile devices for 2 weeks and let me know how you both feel then
 

AGoodODST

Member
Oct 28, 2017
777
Regardless of her issues with depression and anxiety it’s certainly not fair that she puts the blame on you, especially multiple times a month.

Honestly the relationship sounds really unhealthy. Personally I’d bail. That’s way to much pressure and stuff to put up with when it’s only been six months.
 
OP
OP
raitosaito

raitosaito

Member
Oct 28, 2017
318
Move on. If you are only 6 months into this, and you feel this way, get out. It likely isn't going to get any better.
It’s a recent issue where the lashing out is more directed towards me. I accept that I’m not suppose to take these kinds of action towards me, but I do feel like it’s unfair to her if we don’t try to amicably resolved this.

And I do feel like I want to try as I’ve dated multiple people before her and not have this connection. If it doesn’t work out I don’t mind walking, and appreciate all the input in this thread so far.

I think you should try seeing a therapist (a different one to hers) to help you figure out how to deal with your own life in this situation.
I actually scheduled one for one this up coming week, and I don’t even mind couple’s counseling even if it’s early to improve communication.

It’s mobile phones im telling you! Both of you get rid of mobile devices for 2 weeks and let me know how you both feel then
We only really video call or talk in person, not sure what getting rid of it would do. And in person we rarely used our devices.
My fiance suffers from the same thing and I struggle to "feel like I can help enough" when she has bad days. It's tough and not fun at all. But my love for her hasn't changed and is not going to either, we're eachothers endgame.
We have an understanding that when she needs to be alone (i.e when she has a bad day), I give her just that - luckily I have my PS4 and she has her audiobooks, so this construct have managed to help us deal with the issue of anxiety attacks.
Yeah, I want us to make a similar plan and sticking to it. Idc about her mental illness, just want us to come together to tackle how to take care of both of us if something arise.
 

XDevil666

Member
Oct 27, 2017
2,682
It’s a recent issue where the lashing out is more directed towards me. I accept that I’m not suppose to take these kinds of action towards me, but I do feel like it’s unfair to her if we don’t try to amicably resolved this.

And I do feel like I want to try as I’ve dated multiple people before her and not have this connection. If it doesn’t work out I don’t mind walking, and appreciate all the input in this thread so far.



I actually scheduled one for one this up coming week, and I don’t even mind couple’s counseling even if it’s early to improve communication.



We only really video call or talk in person, not sure what getting rid of it would do. And in person we rarely used our devices.


Yeah, I want us to make a similar plan and sticking to it. Idc about her mental illness, just want us to come together to tackle how to take care of both of us if something arise.
I don’t mean a distance from each other, I mean to help personal mental health
 

Mórríoghain

Member
Nov 2, 2017
1,374
Peace the fuck out, my good guy. I was in the same situation a while back. All the support I gave, in the end, I only received constant shit.

Anxiety is a fucker. I know, because I also have it. But you don't get to fuck your SO over this. If she is making you miserable -I think she is- peace out before you are knee deep in her problems. Because you won't be able to solve them.
 

oledome

Member
Oct 25, 2017
1,497
I've been in a near two year relationship with someone with depression and BPD that would result in wild mood swings, I didn't know where I was with her, it got worse sometimes and there would be suicide talk, which she acted on one time.

What you've said that makes my alarm bells go off is the dependency factor, that's not good at all and it can make you feel trapped in something you'll become progressively unhappy with, that was my experience at least.

If you aren't happy and you aren't in love then it's time to say bye.
 

Dan Thunder

Member
Nov 2, 2017
3,125
Couple of questions:

Are you still with her because you want to be or because you feel like you need to help/support her?

Could you ask for some time apart, something like a couple of weeks or a month so you can get some perspective on the relationship?
 
OP
OP
raitosaito

raitosaito

Member
Oct 28, 2017
318
I don’t mean a distance from each other, I mean to help personal mental health
Ok, well I use my device mainly for Era/news. I took a small sabbatical from my own business, and I have 0 social media now so this thing is almost paperweight. I guess if you count using the GPS feature as using it. And still I use the car GPS more, it knows when roads are close unlike google maps.

She uses instagram to send memes and word with friends. All social media platforms were her outlet before, but all except insta was deleted due to her therapist. So I wouldn’t know what it was like before November of last year.

Devices are low in our priorities

Peace the fuck out, my good guy. I was in the same situation a while back. All the support I gave, in the end, I only received constant shit.

Anxiety is a fucker. I know, because I also have it. But you don't get to fuck your SO over this. If she is making you miserable -I think she is- peace out before you are knee deep in her problems. Because you won't be able to solve them.

The thing is I’m not getting constant shit, a lot of the relationship is amazing, but the instances that are not so pleasant are extremely terrible.

I’m not looking to change or fix any individual, I’m actually perfectly fine with every aspect of her mental illness. The only thing that bothers me is in the past month I’m being told I am the caused directly.

Couple of questions:

Are you still with her because you want to be or because you feel like you need to help/support her?

Could you ask for some time apart, something like a couple of weeks or a month so you can get some perspective on the relationship?
I definitely want to be with her. I’ve played the field and met amazing women, but the chemistry is off the charts, and we’ve already done prolonged vacation time with no issues this early in. Truly I want her to get better, and even if not I don’t mind.

And yes, we’ve done weeks apart even when we had no real issue just to sort our daily lives.
As always with these threads: make sure to tell her everything that you've told us. And don't hold back.
Yes, I usually journal and then bring it up. This time Era is my journal. I have no qualms about any grievances I have, is just so far sticking to our solutions to them is hard for her. But to her credit near in the beginning I did not respect her space or time and she was courteous throughout, so that’s why recent events confuse me.
 
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OsakaDon

Member
Oct 29, 2017
484
Osaka, Japan
It sounds bad, but you should get out while you can.
That kind of long term stress is really important unhealthy for you mentally and physically. She is going to start making you sick.
If a person can't be healthy on their own, they are not healthy. You being there is not making her healthy, it's a crutch. As sad as it sounds, I'd break it off.
 

Stop It

Member
Oct 25, 2017
2,821
Thank you for chiming in, it’s nice just knowing others are facing similar issues on this board.



We haven’t been dating extremely long, but her family, friends, and therapist have all said it was a lot worse before I came to the picture. I gave her structure apparently, and everyone seems to imprint some kind of savior image onto me. Also her current meds are supposedly the most effective so far, and I monitor and pill organizer. I know I don’t owe her or any of her associates anything, but being told that I helped her into a healthier life style kind of I guess makes me feel like I contribute to giving someone a much more positive life whom I truly care for. I guess figuiring out how to balance that with my own wellbeing is the real trick. idk honestly
This is expected behaviour with depression and anxiety.

You've been seen as a positive when things go well, and thus when things go bad, you're the problem too.

It's how a mind works but in extremis.

You can't do anything other than provide s platform for the relationship but remember that she can support you too when she's doing well and give you the strength to help her when she needs the support.

Of course you don't need to do any of this but if you feel the relationship is worthwhile, know that while mental health is a very up and down thing, they can be managed and overcome.
 

XuandeXun

Banned
May 16, 2019
335
I play the other end of this role, as the one dealing with bipolar and anxiety. Difference is, my wife is generally capable of saying and doing the right things until I recover, without taking it personally. We've been married for over seven years, and I had these issues beforehand.

This isn't something that's just going to go away quickly thanks to medication and/or therapy. At best, its a long process. If you're not ready to commit to dealing with that, then you probably need to move on as gently as possible.

But I'm not a fan of how these threads tend to devolve into "screw the person with the mental illness, you're worth more than them". As a longtime lurker, I've taken several self-esteem hits reading threads like this in the past.
 

xyla

Member
Oct 27, 2017
1,951
Germany
Never been in this situation myself, but a friend of mine is - he goes to a psychiatrist to work these things out. His girlfriend does too.
It helps them a lot and they wouldn't be a couple anymore if they had not decided to do this.
 

Lupercal

Member
Jan 9, 2018
522
If it's this early, better to get out now OP.
Unless you've got the strength to take it on and be there for her (probably for the rest of the relationship)
 

Stop It

Member
Oct 25, 2017
2,821
I play the other end of this role, as the one dealing with bipolar and anxiety. Difference is, my wife is generally capable of saying and doing the right things until I recover, without taking it personally. We've been married for over seven years, and I had these issues beforehand.

This isn't something that's just going to go away quickly thanks to medication and/or therapy. At best, its a long process. If you're not ready to commit to dealing with that, then you probably need to move on as gently as possible.

But I'm not a fan of how these threads tend to devolve into "screw the person with the mental illness, you're worth more than them". As a longtime lurker, I've taken several self-esteem hits reading threads like this in the past.
Agreed 100%

The complete lack of empathy for mental health here when it comes to relationships is awful. More so when mental health is then framed as people actively and maliciously trying to hurt people which is rarely the case.

Most people are not like the warped creatures some portray those with mental health issues as being.
 
OP
OP
raitosaito

raitosaito

Member
Oct 28, 2017
318
I play the other end of this role, as the one dealing with bipolar and anxiety. Difference is, my wife is generally capable of saying and doing the right things until I recover, without taking it personally. We've been married for over seven years, and I had these issues beforehand.

This isn't something that's just going to go away quickly thanks to medication and/or therapy. At best, its a long process. If you're not ready to commit to dealing with that, then you probably need to move on as gently as possible.

But I'm not a fan of how these threads tend to devolve into "screw the person with the mental illness, you're worth more than them". As a longtime lurker, I've taken several self-esteem hits reading threads like this in the past.
Glad to hear some perspective from the other end. I don’t expect her to change at all, and her mental illness rarely bothers me as I can accommodate most situations. It’s part of who she is and I knew when I signed up. As I said for me it’s just the recent personal attacks that now come with these bouts of anxiety attack or extreme dread she is feeling.

I just want to know how we can stick to our plan on how to communicate and create space when this arises.
 

Stop It

Member
Oct 25, 2017
2,821
Glad to hear some perspective from the other end. I don’t expect her to change at all, and her mental illness rarely bothers me as I can accommodate most situations. It’s part of who she is and I knew when I signed up. As I said for me it’s just the recent personal attacks that now come with these bouts of anxiety attack or extreme dread she is feeling.

I just want to know how we can stick to our plan on how to communicate and create space when this arises.
You're making rational plans for irrational events.

Take the irrationality into account and have plans for those too. Plan for an irrational, extreme and damaging reaction otherwise you'll end up banging your head against the wall and actually escalating breakdowns because your supposed rational logic meets someone who not only doesn't understand this in a mentally fragile state, but will then blame you for not understanding this by sticking rigidly to something that doesn't make sense in said state.
 
OP
OP
raitosaito

raitosaito

Member
Oct 28, 2017
318
You're making rational plans for irrational events.

Take the irrationality into account and have plans for those too. Plan for an irrational, extreme and damaging reaction otherwise you'll end up banging your head against the wall and actually escalating breakdowns because your supposed rational logic meets someone who not only doesn't understand this in a mentally fragile state, but will then blame you for not understanding this by sticking rigidly to something that doesn't make sense in said state.
Now this makes a lot of fucking sense. I’m rigidly abiding by my own set of rules on what we’re suppose to be doing when her attacks are irrational by nature. I’ll definitely keep that in mind on how we move on from this.
 

Ragnar

Member
Oct 28, 2017
335
Resetera's go-to response when replying to anyone who's involved with a person struggling with mental issues is "BREAK UP! GET OUT OF THERE ASAP!" I'm not a fan of that hardline approach myself.

I've been with my girlfriend for over three years now and she suffers from periodically crippling anxiety and depressive episodes. I have no intention of leaving her. Yes, I realise that being with her takes more "work" than being with someone who's completely free of mental issues and happy-go-lucky 99 % of the time. But I love her with all of my heart and I don't think anyone deserves to be abandoned for their illness alone.

However, if you feel like:
  1. She's blaming you for her illness
  2. She's not even planning on getting professional help (seems like she's medicating at least)
  3. You feel like the relationship is taking more from you than you're getting out of it
then you should consider addressing these issues and if that seems undoable, consider whether this is going to break you entirely.

You should not feel like you have to annihilate yourself in order to accomodate her, and you should never feel like she has the exclusive rights to be sad, upset or hurt. Her fragility should not result in your ceasing to exist or biting your tongue when you feel bad and want to vocalize it. I'm thinking specifically of the case where she blames you for her illness.
 

Izzard

Member
Sep 21, 2018
941
It will take its toll on you at some point. You might feel ok about it now but that won’t always be the same. My friend would attempt suicide in front of me. Throwing himself at moving car, slashing his wrist, and other ways. It was always when I was there cos he knew I would help save him. He 100% became reliant on me to be there for him for whatever reason.

I’m still suffering the effects of it all. Don’t put yourself in the same situation.
 
Nov 17, 2017
6,492
Agreed 100%

The complete lack of empathy for mental health here when it comes to relationships is awful. More so when mental health is then framed as people actively and maliciously trying to hurt people which is rarely the case.

Most people are not like the warped creatures some portray those with mental health issues as being.
I mean, OP’s mental health is also a factor in all of this, is it not? People giving OP the advice to leave are doing it out of empathy for his mental health, not to shit on people who have mental health issues.
 
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Nov 9, 2017
1,574
I definitely feel empathy towards those with mental health issues and applaud those who are working hard in a relationship while being affected by these issues.

I do feel it is important to also state that it is not healthy taking on a savior role in these relationships and one should not feel morally obligated to "save" your partner at your own personal expense. I have been through this personally and it can become a very toxic one-sided relationship.
 

honest_ry

Banned
Oct 30, 2017
4,288
If you cant handle it then leave.

my partner of 15 years puts up with a lot of my serious mental health issues and understands the issue.
 

Landy828

Member
Oct 26, 2017
4,740
Clemson, SC
Was married to someone with both, plus bipolar/BPD.

Rough 10 years, she never really committed to getting better. I'd leave if I were you OP.

Sorry.
 

Br3wnor

Avenger
Oct 27, 2017
2,175
Thank you for chiming in, it’s nice just knowing others are facing similar issues on this board.



We haven’t been dating extremely long, but her family, friends, and therapist have all said it was a lot worse before I came to the picture. I gave her structure apparently, and everyone seems to imprint some kind of savior image onto me. Also her current meds are supposedly the most effective so far, and I monitor and pill organizer. I know I don’t owe her or any of her associates anything, but being told that I helped her into a healthier life style kind of I guess makes me feel like I contribute to giving someone a much more positive life whom I truly care for. I guess figuiring out how to balance that with my own wellbeing is the real trick. idk honestly
You can’t let the guilt of “If I leave she’ll spiral” be the reason you’re staying with her. (Not saying that’s the case but it can quickly become that)

If you’re gonna stay with her you need to understand that it’s a lifelong thing and while her behavior can improve and medicine + therapy can help, there could be times where her meds become less effective and her doctors need to find a new regimen or her anxiety/depression might come on strong out of nowhere and cause issues.

It is not easy being with someone who is dealing with mental illness so it’s really on you to decide if you’re able to deal with all that comes with it.
 

Aurongel

Member
Oct 28, 2017
2,674
Don’t be like me.

My girlfriend of seven years is like this and comes home daily ranting and yelling about how much she’s hates her job at a low income school. At some point, you’re going to be so invested that the notion of leaving her is going to be something you will feel guilty about and later weaponized against you. You’re allowed to practice self care and you’re allowed to have moments of human weakness.

When you’re dating someone with sustained depression/attachment/anxiety, any emotions of yours you share with them will be met with “why are you doing this to me?” or “I just candle handle (your problem) right now”. Eventually resentment builds and after some point it becomes self sustaining - I.e. you start having fights about past fights.

Don’t drown yourself trying to save someone who aren’t trying to keep their own head above the water. Practice self care and remember that it’s not selfish to prioritize yourself and your feelings over hers. You can’t and shouldn’t be the “rock” or stabilizing force for two grown adults.
 

Superman

Member
Oct 27, 2017
235
日本
My goodnessssss. I went through this recently and we broke up in March. It was taxing. TAXING. It was hard mainly because she would pick and choose when it was anxiety and when it was me. She was literally never at fault. We were waaaay too unstable for each other. To handle someone with a mental illness your base needs to be rock solid. If you feel like you’re breaking or damaging your own mental health because of your partner then you need to leave. I loved my ex so SO much and we had amazing times together. We matched each other so well. We just couldn’t handle each other’s mental breakdowns.