My gf has diagnose anxiety and depression and it’s taking it’s toll on me

Gorgamel

Member
Oct 25, 2017
313
We haven’t been dating extremely long, but her family, friends, and therapist have all said it was a lot worse before I came to the picture. I gave her structure apparently, and everyone seems to imprint some kind of savior image onto me. Also her current meds are supposedly the most effective so far, and I monitor and pill organizer. I know I don’t owe her or any of her associates anything, but being told that I helped her into a healthier life style kind of I guess makes me feel like I contribute to giving someone a much more positive life whom I truly care for. I guess figuiring out how to balance that with my own wellbeing is the real trick. idk honestly

This is a huge red flag, even more so if it's only 6 months in the relationship. It's only a matter of when you will crumble, not if. By your replies you seem dead set to proceed with the relationship, so I wish you luck. But having had a few loved ones with mental illness, let me tell you that you have barely scratched the surface of how bad it can get. And it is extremely unfair of her relatives/therapists to place such a burden/responsibility on your shoulders.
 

ZangBa

Member
Oct 25, 2017
1,331
Judging from your posts it sounds like she isn't being combative about getting better. Considering the chemistry you have her and that she is at least trying to get better, I think it's worth giving it chance until you've exhausted your options. Try not to take the blame too personally, anxiety is a pretty irrational state.
 

Link83

Member
Dec 12, 2017
22
Just an idea but have you thought about having a safeword or phrase that either of you can say as a last resort when the situation becomes too stressful? Then once the safeword is used you both stop and take a breather, and then you can come back to any issues at a later time. This can only work though if you both agree to it and immediately stop once the safeword has been used.
 

KiKaL

Member
Oct 26, 2017
133
My wife has anxiety and some depression. She started seeing a therapist which has helped her a lot. We also have done a lot of couples visits to help out communication to prevent things like you mentioned in the OP. I would highly suggest she look into seeing someone. She has to want help and be open to it. It can be a difficult process but ultimately worth it.
 

DrFunk

Member
Oct 25, 2017
4,245
Get out OP.

Don't let this exhaust you. It'll eat away at you and drive you to unfortunate situations like cheating or drinking to 'cope'. Consider your mental faculties first.
 

Euphoria

Member
Oct 25, 2017
3,159
Has it been getting progressively worse? If so then you should leave.

As time goes by you will become the only outlet for the anxiety/depression and as a result the only one who takes the brunt of it.

It will not get better, so unless you love her so deeply at 6 months in you should leave. If you are having issues now with this then it is going to ruin you in the long term.


My wife has severe anxiety and depression and most of the time she is wonderful but just like you there are times where it all hits at once and I become a big time target. Apparently I can’t do anything right, I leave everything for her and never help, I don’t support her enough, etc... it’s always the same and afterwards she apologizes and tells me she didn’t mean it but the feeling that takes over her makes her say things she doesn’t mean.

Over the years it has shaped me into someone I never was and now I have times where I just drop into moods where I just feel nothing because I’ve been broken.

It will happen eventually. I just accepted it.
 

THEVOID

Member
Oct 27, 2017
8,540
My wife suffers from terrible anxiety -- Some days she can't leave the house. Been married for 8 years and never once did I even think about leaving her. I adore her regardless, It's a disorder and we work through it.

OP if it's this early in the relationship and you feel like that movie on...
 

CHC

Member
Oct 27, 2017
2,594
Just yank the band-aid and break up. It's not your job to fix other people, and in general, you will be more taken for granted as the relationship ages, not less. Relationship are supposed to be fun, at least at first (haha). Six months in and coping with serious mental health stuff is not good. Being sympathetic towards these issues is one thing, but at the end of the day it's everyone's own responsibility to function well with others.
 

HamCormier

Member
Nov 11, 2017
1,015
It's understandingly very difficult to separate someone from its depression or personality disorders. You know the old adage "To love someone you have to love yourself first" -- that turned out to be true for me and my partners that turned out to have those kind of issues.

I'm not saying that no one should be allowed to be depressed in a relationship, but it certainly shouldn't be the foundation of a relationship unless nursing someone is your kink.
 

RM8

Member
Oct 28, 2017
4,172
JP
I'm maybe selfish, but I could never do something like this. No relationship is worth having to carry someone else's problems like this IMHO.
 

Parvaati

Member
Oct 26, 2017
1,881
You need to break up with her for your own sake. It sucks when you know someone is affected by severe depression and anxiety, but you can’t be expected to care for someone that frequently lashes out as you. You’ve only been together for 6 months. That’s nothing. You sound like the past version of a poster here who was trying to defend his depressed wife dropping their child on the head and abusing him. Get out before it’s too late.
 

Droidian

Avenger
Dec 28, 2017
1,129
I been in this relationship with my current gf for almost 6 months now, and overall it’s been great. We get along really well, great chemistry, enjoy similar hobbies, and just what you want in a healthy relationship. Only problem is her diagnosed anxiety and depression which manifest often as attacks towards me, and maybe appears strongly between 1-5 times a month depending on just what is happening in our lives.

Due to what I do for a living ai can afford to accommodate her wanting to leave public settings early, or change our plans on the fly. And even if she’s irritable i’m great at giving space and doing small gestures after everything subside (like making a meal for both of us), which seems to work out.

Lately though she’s been placing blame on me when she has episodes, and I’ve addressed this multiple times because we have open dialogue about all major aspects of our lives. During these discussions there’s usually a gameplan like “I will tell you when to leave me alone or not text me so you won’t be receiving mean or petty messages from me.” Something along those lines are usually discuss, and I have no problem as I said giving space; still it usually turns into something that I did when a situation arises. Of course she apologizes afterwards, and comforts me heavily, but I don’t want her to blame the actions mainly caused by her mental illness, and would rather just have us follow through on methods we’ve talked about. I honestly don’t know what to do, and she is taking all her medication as prescribed or at least I’m making sure she is. I don’t want this to be a breaking point down the line, and if I could, I would mentally fortify myself more to handle her outburst, but as of right now I’m just running out of physical and emotional stamina.

Era if you have ever face something like this please let me know.
Hey OP could you recommend her to go to the doctor and get test for Thyroidism.
It seems to be a common issue with females and the things you've mentioned sound similar to things I dealt with my ex. You'll reach a breaking point so I would suggest seeing if they gets diagnosed with hyper thydroid disease or whatever. She can take medication and refrain from certain things like alcohol.
It's a burden for both the person with the problem and you trying to take care but you don't owe her anything and you're not her caretaker no matter how much you'd like to be.

My current girlfriend was almost diagnosed with it, she does have anxiety and can feel depressed but nothing like what it was with my ex.
For you it's only been 6 months into the relationship. In the end it's your call but I would leave, you're not an ass if you end the relationship, she needs fix those things and it will only get worse when she takes it out in you.
 

SillyEskimo

The Fallen
Oct 26, 2017
2,326
User Banned (1 Month): Ableist, hateful and dehumanising rhetoric about mental health. Previous severe infractions.
The entire purpose of dating is to sift through these types of people. Don't spend time trying to fix broken people. Be selfish and find someone without all the issues. You will have a much happier life.
 

jerf

Member
Nov 1, 2017
841
It’s not your job to save her, she has to save herself.
If nothing else I hope the OP actually thinks about this. You're not going to do her or your relationship any favors if you don't remember the above and act accordingly.
And also realize the sad harsh truth that she may not be able to save her self. Sometimes there is really nothing you can do. I say this as someone in her position.
As always with these threads: make sure to tell her everything that you've told us. And don't hold back.
This is the truth. It will hurt so much but it really needs to be done. It will be for the better for both of you.
I wish you luck and remember it’s not your fault.
 

Futureman

Member
Oct 26, 2017
3,626
The entire purpose of dating is to sift through these types of people. Don't spend time trying to fix broken people. Be selfish and find someone without all the issues. You will have a much happier life.
This sounds harsh but I think there's truth to it. OP's GF should probably get to a point of loving herself before starting serious relationships. Or at least to a point of not blaming others for her problems.

I was in a similar situation to OP but I wasn't as good as communicating or resolving issues. We eventually broke up after 2 years together.
 

The Albatross

Member
Oct 25, 2017
8,634
My wife has pretty severe anxiety and at the moment it's treated fairly well, but not great, and it's been hard on us throughout the years. Your girlfriend should be going to therapy and seeing a psychiatrist about medication. There's no shame or anything wrong with medicating anxiety, it can be a debilitating, frustrating, hurtful physiological/psychological condition. My wife used to feel shame for taking medication for psychological/physiological conditions, and I thought that was so silly because these days almost everybody takes something for something... Like, my thyroid gland doesn't work and so I take synthetic thyroxine and I'll be on it for the rest of my life. There's nothing different from my thyroid not producing the right chemicals than some other organ, like the brain, producing an imbalanced set of chemicals, and if someone like me can live a normal pain free life because of synthetic lab made thyroxine, there's nothing wrong with someone else being enabled to live a normal life through something like Affexor or other anxiety and depression medication.

Throughout the years my wife has said some incredibly mean, mean things to me, and then what's also hard is the rebound from that, when she feels so guilty that it continues to overwhelm her, so I basically have to build someone back up who just spent the last 4-8 hours tearing me down. It's exhausting and difficult. Her anxiety and corresponding depression has been pretty well treated for the last 5 years, and she's has a productive life, is a great mother, good friend, good at her job, and she's a very well adjusted member of society. Without that medication though, I think that the anxiety would overwhelm her in nearly all of these areas and she'd be very destructive to herself or the relationships she's made.

Prior to her anxiety being treated well, it was over-treated and she basically had a medically induce manic depressive personality. That was a disaster, she lost a lot of friends and damaged a lot of relationships in that time. I think if I was a less patient person or someone who acted more decisively, I would have left her during that time. Thank god her psychiatrist or therapist got that prescription normalized and reduced, because it was horrible. Whoever that doctor was was complete quack.

Your girlfriend needs to seek treatment because it's unfair on the people around her if she doesn't. If she doesn't get treatment, you're not her savior and you need to be willing to walk away and let her live with the consequences of her actions. You've only been together for six months, your focus should squarely be on you, and if your partner isn't willing to put in the work to improve and uses you as this sort of bungee cord (e.g., she jumps off knowing that you'll pull her back up), then it's not healthy for either of you.
 
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Fisty

Member
Oct 25, 2017
4,639
As someone dealing with a similar set of circumstances for 9 years: If you want to make it last, go with her to get working on things with a professional. If you've only been dating 6 months, she blames you for her problems, and she doesnt leave you... it's never going to stop being an issue until she commits to making a change, and the cycle of dependence/hostility will eventually take a serious toll on your wellbeing and only exacerbate the tensions.
 

CrazyAndy

Avenger
Oct 27, 2017
3,347
User Banned (1 Week): Ableist, Hateful and Dehumanizing Rhetoric about Mental Health
The entire purpose of dating is to sift through these types of people. Don't spend time trying to fix broken people. Be selfish and find someone without all the issues. You will have a much happier life.
Pretty much.
 
Oct 29, 2017
1,635
You’re feeling this way only six months in. I reckon this probably won’t get any better for you, and may even get worse as the weight of a committed relationship takes its toll.

It sounds harsh but you’re not in so deep that you don’t have a choice to step away. You may feel some responsibility to her but you also have to think about yourself.

Think long and hard whether this is the life you want, because one day it’ll be either too late or it’ll be much more devastating if you left.
This is good advice. Even if it's not her fault, even if she doesn't deserve it, you have to look out for #1. You don't owe anyone a relationship.
 

shaneo632

Member
Oct 29, 2017
11,331
Essex, UK
It's definitely important not to feel like you have to stay with a person who is in a hole like this, or martyr yourself to be their only hope for stability etc. If it ends up taking an unsustainable toll on you, don't be afraid to cut - you need to look after yourself first.
 
Oct 27, 2017
1,811
Mount Airy, MD
Supporting someone with mental illnesses isn't always easy, and it certainly isn't for everyone. If you've got a partner struggling with this, and they're not seeking treatment, or are using their illnesses as excuses to treat you poorly, that's a pretty good reason to seek counseling together or possibly end the relationship.

I've got a lot of experience in this realm, both from the side of struggling with depression and anxiety, and being partner to people with depression and anxiety. I can tell you this much: how well I can support someone through those times depends a lot on whether they're taking care of themselves and not giving up and expecting me to/relying on my support for everything.

She can't help how she feels. She *can* help how she acts and treats you when she's feeling those ways. I know my partner's anxiety can sometimes get the best of her and she'll misunderstand something I'm saying and get upset or short with me for no immediately discernible reason. It doesn't happen often, but the real reason it's not a problem for me is that she owns it. If she gets upset, she'll come around to knowing she reacted because of a moment of anxiety or something reminding her of a past trauma or whatever, and she puts in the work to address that behavior herself rather than asking something more of me.
 

Sarek

Member
Oct 27, 2017
153
Dude leave. I've been there and acted basically like you seem to be acting. You probably see encouraging signs and think your connection, and the good times, are worth the shit she gives you. They aren't and things are more likely to get worse than the other way around. There are people out there you will find similar or even better connection with, and with out the extra package.
 

Doober

The Fallen
Jun 10, 2018
2,106
Um, anxiety and depression don't explain that behavior. Being deliberately shitty to your partner isn't a symptom.
 

Calamari41

Member
Oct 25, 2017
2,836
You don't have to go through all of this. It's not your job to take care of her, especially when it clearly causes distress to you. You have to do what's best for you.

For example, you talked earlier in the thread about therapy and couple's counseling? That kind of thing should absolutely not be popping up as something that you consider just six months into a relationship.
 
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Biggersmaller

Member
Oct 27, 2017
2,609
Minneapolis
15 years ago (in my 20s) I dated a women who suffered from diagnosed depression/anxiety. It was a good lesson and also hell. It started out very well, but once the honeymoon period ended - that relationship gradually became her becoming unreasonably emotional to the point we could not be in public, while frequently sitting on her ass watching TV all day and eating fast food. I committed for 2 years until another woman convinced me to leave. Once separated I quickly realized my girlfriend was 100% co-dependent on me and it was at a great cost to my own well being and friendships.

Depression or anxiety does entitle anyone to being a total piece of shit. You signed up to be in a mutually beneficial relationship. Not be someone's mental health worker.

LEAVE.

RUN.

NEVER LOOK BACK.
 

POLIWOG

Member
Nov 28, 2017
142
I’ve been in my current relationship for about a year and a half. My girlfriend also suffers from chronic depression and anxiety and at times it has been extremely tough, even leading me to question if the relationship should continue.That being said, she never puts the blame on me. There were often times where she couldn’t leave the apartment at all, but we talked through things and she fully supports me going out and doing things with friends when she feels too bad, and I make sure I am there for her and help her as much as I can.

Luckily, when things got their worst, I started pushing her to seek additional treatment and she was very receptive. She has started trying different medications (which is very scary and often difficult for her) and things have been slowly getting better.

I love her a ton and she really is an incredibly nice and supportive partner, but it definitely takes it’s toll on the relationship at times. My advice to the OP would be to have a heart to heart with her and see if you two can find any way progress. 6 months isn’t very long though, so a lot of it is up too much you are willing/able to invest.
 

Omegasquash

Member
Oct 31, 2017
2,930
OP, you're under no real obligation to assist, however if you do, I think the best thing you can do is help her to find help, and be a steady source of patience. She still has to take the steps (sticking with therapy, making sure she takes medication consistently) of course, but if you're a model of consistence, it could help.

It needs to be said that putting yourself first is necessary. If you feel like it's not working out, then you don't have to stay. Let yourself fall out of love, so to speak. But only if you want to.
 

Soph

Member
Oct 25, 2017
644
If you love her, you have to keep trying your utter best. Others won't end up filling the hole she leaves behind. These other people might say you deserve "better", but in time you'll start to miss her unanticipated outbursts of emotion. A normal "better" partner will just be a boring slog and grind until you're both old and wrinkled.
 

JB1981

Member
Oct 28, 2017
7,995
Why put yourself through this? You deserve better. Find someone else who’s psychologically healthy and respects you
 

Adam_Roman

Member
Oct 25, 2017
1,608
Maybe I'm a different case or something, but I suffer from major depression, anxiety, and have a mild bipolar disorder and I never snap at my girlfriend due to those. The only problem I've had in my relationship with my disorders is that I tend to keep my feelings to myself when I'm anxious or depressed because of how I was raised, but after the first few months she can tell when that's happening. There's plenty of people I could lose my shit at for the smallest reasons, but my girlfriend isn't one of them.

I was only in one relationship before where someone used their depression as an excuse for their bad behavior and it didn't end well. I'm not saying this is what's going on with your situation OP, but just be mindful of what's going on and why it's happening, and that should hopefully make it clearer if this person is right for you. Remember that your feelings are valid and if someone says they love you, they should respect how you feel no matter what.
 

Cloggerdude

The Fallen
Oct 25, 2017
432
My wife has severe anxiety and panic attacks. It’s definitely something that has, at times, been extremely stressful.

One thing I picked up on though is you saying that you being in her life has helped her. It was the same with my wife when we started dating and it feels awesome to know that you can help them calm down when they are having a panic attack or when their anxiety is high. The problem is, especially after an extended period of time, it starts to wear on you and you may also start to feel that you have become their “crutch” for dealing with stressful situations.

We finally ended up going to a Cognitive Behavioral Therapist, and that helped a lot. It took time, but she is now no longer on medicine and hasn’t had a major panic attack in over two years. She still struggles with anxiety, but it’s nowhere on the scale of what it used to be.

My point is: It’s hard and it’s definitely something you have to be willing to commit to in a relationship. Just Love does not always conquer all hardships, so be ready to actually put in some work if you’re going to stay.
 

Sain

Member
Nov 13, 2017
371
As many others in the thread have already said, you aren't anyone's savior. If it is taking a toll on you this early into the relationship, I think you need to seriously consider parting ways.
 

Sub Boss

Member
Nov 14, 2017
10,896
I have depression and anxiety and I've been with people who have both as well. If she's blaming you and making you feel like shit and you guys haven't even been dating that long then maybe just break it off tbh.

Came into this thread expecting you to be mad at her for feeling down tbh which would be pretty shitty but this is a bit different
Yep, if she is telling you 'why aren't you here for me every moment"! everytime she feels bad (and thats up to 5 times a month?) that it becomes a problem she might have toxic ideas and the relationship won't go to a healthy place. She needs to learn to help herself, and 6 months is a short time
 

gogosox82

Member
Oct 25, 2017
2,444
Its not your job to fix her and you do not deserve to be emotionally abused even if its only one day out of the month. If its already becoming an issue you should seriously consider whether being in the relationship is worth it because it will probably only become worse.
 
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Oct 25, 2017
1,378
Brooklyn, NY
OP I've gone through this for 7 years with my ex. I told myself she could get better with support, even when she got physical towards me. Not letting me go out to see friends and family, etc. I did so much for her in hopes she'd get better to the point I started to wish I would die due to how I was being treated. We had similar hobbies and great chemistry but you need to cut this. I know you two get along but it isn't your job to fix her. It will probably just get worse.
 
Oct 29, 2017
1,635
I just want to reiterate to OP: You are allowed to choose not to date someone. You don't owe anyone a justification. She could be a perfectly lovely person, but if you don't want to date her, you don't have to. Period.
 

Menelaus

Banned
Oct 27, 2017
3,682
Life is too short to throw time at a problem that won't get fixed, and 6 months is nothing in terms of breaking it off.

Break it off.
 

Deleted member 47843

User Requested Account Closure
Banned
Sep 16, 2018
2,501
Life is too short to throw time at a problem that won't get fixed, and 6 months is nothing in terms of breaking it off.

Break it off.
Agreed. It’s one thing to help a long-term partner through these kind of issues when they develop. It’s very difficulty to build a new relationship with someone that has serious problems they need to work through from the start. People have to fix themselves before they can build a healthy relarionship with so one else IMO.
 

Doc Kelso

Member
Oct 25, 2017
1,597
NYC
Having a mental illness does not give you the right to be an asshole to someone. If she’s attacking you and hiding behind a diagnosis, she’s being really shitty about that.
 

Stat

Member
Oct 25, 2017
1,187
As someone who has diagnosed anxiety and depression, I'd say GTFO. Its a life long problem and its not worth getting yourself involved full stop. It's never worth it. Its not like bronchitis and she's better within a year.

This will be there for another 50 years.
 

Sean

Member
Oct 25, 2017
1,100
Longview
Sounds a lot like some of the stuff I went through with my Ex of 5 years. She had borderline personality disorder and it was rough. One big problem we had was being able to set boundaries, which is really important, but we never really could. It turned pretty toxic in some of the later years. I love her, and I wanted to make it work, but it just got to the point of hurting too much and we ended it.

If you're still going forward, make sure you guys have boundaries down.
 

Books

Alt account
Banned
Feb 4, 2019
2,180
It's only been six months. Time to bail. You're responsible only for your own health.
 

Nothing Loud

Member
Oct 25, 2017
3,291
Sounds like a lot of codependence in your relationship. I would find a counselor and work on that topic between the both of you.

I’m also gonna counter a lot of the opinions you’re gonna read and say that just because you’re only 6 months in, it doesn’t mean that you have to quit the relationship since things are rocky right now. My spouse and I both suffer from severe anxiety and depression. We’re both medicated, we both have therapists, we both cope. We were both WORSE when we started dating than we are today. Don’t let people convince you that if problems like this come up early in the relationship that the relationship is doomed. Mental illness and unhealthy relationship behaviors can come up at any point in a relationship, even in long lasting marriages. The key is for both to solve the problem as best as you can with the resources you have, and if the person is someone you love and are willing to help
 
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osodemolay

Member
Oct 28, 2017
212
The thing is I’m not getting constant shit, a lot of the relationship is amazing, but the instances that are not so pleasant are extremely terrible.
I read your posts but had to stop here because this is exactly what I said to my friends and therapist to justify my last relationship (we were dating for only a month). That and the "I've never had a connection like this" argument.
There is one, and only one answer to this: get out of that relationship.