My girlfriend broke off a 6 year long relationship... I am very mentally ill and not sure how I can handle it.

[Djkhaled]

Hi, I fucked up and combine that with other things in our relationship, we broke up. I am so unsure how I can go on, my heart is broken. She was my best and only friend, the only person I had in my life that I loved/love. I want her back and I know that's impossible, but I just feel crushed. She was/is my angel, my favourite person, but most importantly, my best friend. Someone I'd never want to be without.

I thought I'd grow old with her, now I know I wont and I just want to die. I have never felt like this. The worst feeling of it all is, after a 6 year relationship, her saying she didn't really get anything good out of it and that also when we broke up last time which lasted a week she was crying when she broke it off, this time it seems like this time she is genuinely happy we are over, meanwhile I am so sad, I am just crushed, it makes me feel super unloved that it seems like she doesn't care. She did end up crying in the end. But most of the conversation, which was not fight at all, she didn't seem to care.

I know I will get a "time heals all" response and I guess maybe it does, but I don't see it ever healing, ever. I have Borderline Personality Disorder so I am very scared and emotionally destroyed by rejection, so this isn't going well, lots of suicidal ideation and self harm thoughts, I can't be without her, I at least need her as my best friend, I have no family or friends, she is literally the only person I talk to because my parents abused me and when I got really bad mentally 6 years ago all my friends stopped speaking to me because I stopped drinking and partying. I am seeing my psych this afternoon... I just feel like my heart has been stomped on. Plus I am 26, unemployed, mentally ill, can't leave my house and on disability pension. Who in the living hell would want to ever date me?

Someone please help or something... I dunno.

 

[subpar spatula]

Sorry to hear that. Try not to dwell on any negatives. Eventually you will accept what happened, so the pain you feel now will fade. It is OK to be sad and upset.

 

[Septy]

How many times and when was the first time you two broke up with each other?

 

[WhySoDevious]

1. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and thinking that you can't get out of the hole you're in.

2. Eat healthy. Get all the junk out of your body.

3. Go to the gym and do as much as you're physically able with your disability.

4. Find a hobby other than video games and start doing that.

5. In a year or so, put yourself out there and start dating.

 

[Christian]

What do you mean, you fucked up?

 

[Dreams-Visions]

Yea OP, nothing we're going to be able to say here will make you feel better in this moment. Loss hurts.

But we have all been there. Everyone here knows what it feels like to feel that sort of deep loss of a companion. Everyone. We're all still here. You will be too. Just take it one day at a time. Respect her decision, focus on yourself. Eat well, exercise, go places where people are being social. Church, classes, ski club, night club, whatever. Doesn't matter. Do some things you enjoy doing, and build yourself up over time so that you aren't depending on a single person to help you with your identity and self-esteem. That's too much weight to put on a single person and is unfair to them.

The best way you can be a great partner in your next relationship is to be in tune with and at peace with yourself while alone. Spend some time in who you are and understanding your worth. Because you're worth plenty.

 

[thecouncil]

"I fucked up and combine that with other things in our relationship, we broke up."
I feel like there's a lot packed into this sentence. What did you do?

The fact that she didn't seem to care suggests she's been well over it for a while now.

 

[Deleted member 48897]

1. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and thinking that you can't get out of the hole you're in.

2. Eat healthy. Get all the junk out of your body.

3. Go to the gym and do as much as you're physically able with your disability.

4. Find a hobby other than video games and start doing that.

5. In a year or so, put yourself out there and start dating.

Click to shrink...

why the fuck do you people never put 'get some therapy bro' in these lists

 

[Deleted member 41178]

"I fucked up and combine that with other things in our relationship, we broke up."
I feel like there's a lot packed into this sentence. What did you do?

The fact that she didn't seem to care suggests she's been well over it for a while now.

Click to shrink...

Looking at the OP post history it seems like he was chatting to another girl on Tinder and got caught.

You live and you learn OP.

 

[Djkhaled]

How many times and when was the first time you two broke up with each other?

Click to shrink...

We have broken up once before, maybe 5 months ago, it only lasted a week and she never moved out, it was more an extended fight.

 

[Fliesen]

I thought I'd grow old with her, now I know I wont and I just want to die. I have never felt like this. The worst feeling of it all is, after a 6 year relationship, her saying she didn't really get anything good out of it and that also when we broke up last time which lasted a week she was crying when she broke it off, this time it seems like this time she is genuinely happy we are over, meanwhile I am so sad, I am just crushed, it makes me feel super unloved that it seems like she doesn't care. She did end up crying in the end. But most of the conversation, which was not fight at all, she didn't seem to care.

Click to shrink...

There's really nothing i can say or do that'll make you feel better right now, i think.

But one particular piece of advice: Do not focus so much on how your ex-girlfriend dealt with the break-up. No matter how she deals with it - whether she feels relieved or sad or indifferent (likely, she'll be feeling all kinds of emotions, just like you) that shouldn't factor into how you're dealing with this. Because if you're sad that she feels "happy", that kinda means you'd wish for her to feel bad, instead - which is a rather toxic mindset.

Focus on yourself, right now.
Good luck, there's no way but up, right now - as silly as that may sound.

 

[DTC]

Get friends before you start dating. You were too dependent on her.

 

[Djkhaled]

Looking at the OP post history it seems like he was chatting to another girl on Tinder and got caught.

You live and you learn OP.

Click to shrink...

yeah this is what happened, there is more to it than that, my girlfriend had told me she was gay and we hadn't had any sexual contact in 3 months and she told me we could have an open relationship "starting next week", so I thought it was okay to talk to a girl on tinder. but apparently i started too early

 

[Djkhaled]

Get friends before you start dating. You were too dependent on her.

Click to shrink...

oh 100%, i lived my life through her. I am so dependant on her

 

[Dreams-Visions]

How old are you, btw OP?

why the fuck do you people never put 'get some therapy bro' in these lists

Click to shrink...

That should always be an option, but can be cost-prohibitive. If the OP can afford it, then absolutely.

Get friends before you start dating. You were too dependent on her.

Click to shrink...

Indeed. It's way too much of a burden on someone to require that they be the sole proprietor of your happiness. Ideally, you're already pretty happy and they simply add to it, rather than you being empty.

 

[SoleSurvivor]

Looking at the OP post history it seems like he was chatting to another girl on Tinder and got caught.

You live and you learn OP.

Click to shrink...

Hard to feel bad for OP if this is the case. Truly a live and learn scenario. We have to own our actions at a certain point, and this is definitely one of those times.

 

[Djkhaled]

1. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and thinking that you can't get out of the hole you're in.

2. Eat healthy. Get all the junk out of your body.

3. Go to the gym and do as much as you're physically able with your disability.

4. Find a hobby other than video games and start doing that.

5. In a year or so, put yourself out there and start dating.

Click to shrink...

I am disabled, I can't go outside, so all of that is really hard, and I have an eating disorder so eating healthy is hard. I am seeing a therapist though and I rarely play video games, if ever. It's hard not to feel sorry for myself when I am such a screw up

 

[Deleted member 41520]

You heard of the "ball in the box" concept?

When you lose someone (breakup or bereavement, etc), your pain can be imagined as a button in a box. Inside the box is your mind, like a ball, floating around and bouncing off various thoughts (the walls).

To begin with, after the loss, the ball is really big, and so it bangs off the "pain" button constantly. It enters your thoughts ever few seconds/every minute.

But over time? The ball gradually deflates. It hits the pain button less and less often.

When it does hit the pain button? It's just as painful as it was initially - how you feel right now OP.

But over time, that whack of pain will come less and less often as life moves on and your thoughts get pulled onto other things.

 

[Djkhaled]

Hard to feel bad for OP if this is the case. Truly a live and learn scenario. We have to own our actions at a certain point, and this is definitely one of those times.

Click to shrink...

I already explained the situation, i am not excusing what i did, but BPD makes people do stupid fucking stuff. I am an idiot.

yeah this is what happened, there is more to it than that, my girlfriend had told me she was gay and we hadn't had any sexual contact in 3 months and she told me we could have an open relationship "starting next week", so I thought it was okay to talk to a girl on tinder. but apparently i started too early

Click to shrink...

 

[Gilver]

I have never had even a short relationship let alone a 6 year one, so even if it comes off as cold my first thought was that its better to have loved and lost then to never have loved.

 

[Dreams-Visions]

oh 100%, i lived my life through her. I am so dependant on her

Click to shrink...

Yea that's no-bueno.

yeah this is what happened, there is more to it than that, my girlfriend had told me she was gay and we hadn't had any sexual contact in 3 months and she told me we could have an open relationship "starting next week", so I thought it was okay to talk to a girl on tinder. but apparently i started too early

Click to shrink...

Yea, mistakes were made. But it also sounds like things weren't healthy for some time.

6 years of a relationship with no commitment beyond gf/bf is also a pretty big red flag in most cases. Did that have an impact or do you think that was a sign that either you or her weren't really sure about this thing, in retrospect?

 

[lenovox1]

GO TO THE HOSPITAL!!!

YOU NEED URGENT CARE!!!

 

[Djkhaled]

You heard of the "ball in the box" concept?

When you lose someone (breakup or bereavement, etc), your pain can be imagined as a button in a box. Inside the box is your mind, like a ball, floating around and bouncing off various thoughts (the walls).

To begin with, after the loss, the ball is really big, and so it bangs off the "pain" button constantly. It enters your thoughts ever few seconds/every minute.

But over time? The ball gradually deflates. It hits the pain button less and less often.

When it does hit the pain button? It's just as painful as it was initially - how you feel right now OP.

But over time, that whack of pain will come less and less often as life moves on and your thoughts get pulled onto other things.

Click to shrink...

I have never heard this, thank you for that. It's hard to believe it will hurt less but I am hoping it will.

 

[Djkhaled]

GO TO THE HOSPITAL!!!

YOU NEED URGENT CARE!!!

Click to shrink...

ummm, no thanks

 

[SpecX]

I'm sorry you're going through this but cry it out. You need to let yourself go through the pain and emotions and let the tears pour out of you. After you've done that, finding a hobby is a must to keep your mind busy. It's good you're going to therapy which will help you cope with the pain and how to deal with the breakup.

Unfortunately this is going to be a long road to recovery especially since you had 6 years together, but time will definitely heal the wounds. The recovery time will depend on how you push yourself to move ahead in life and better yourself. It's easier said than done and I've been in that dark hole with depression holding you back, but stay strong and keep yourself healthy.

Don't try to rush dating either. If you rush into the next relationship and haven't recovered from this one, you may end up bringing the luggage from this one into that one causing more damage to you and that new person. Feel free to pm me if you need to talk or need any help getting through this. Just keep your head up high and know your worth, you will overcome this.

 

[WhySoDevious]

I am disabled, I can't go outside, so all of that is really hard, and I have an eating disorder so eating healthy is hard. I am seeing a therapist though and I rarely play video games, if ever. It's hard not to feel sorry for myself when I am such a screw up

Click to shrink...

Buy a set of 5 and 10 pound weights and start from there, at home. Lots of exercises you can do with just those. When you're ready, buy heavier weights.

And of course everything is gonna be hard.

But work on physical self and with help from a therapist, you'll come out of this a much better person.

 

[Deleted member 41178]

yeah this is what happened, there is more to it than that, my girlfriend had told me she was gay and we hadn't had any sexual contact in 3 months and she told me we could have an open relationship "starting next week", so I thought it was okay to talk to a girl on tinder. but apparently i started too early

Click to shrink...

It's beginning to sound like your relationship had a lot more problems than the one you mentioned in the OP.

So your girlfriend came out as Gay, not Bi? Then wanted to start an open relationship and you two aren't having sexual contact?

 

[Djkhaled]

Yea that's no-bueno.


Yea, mistakes were made. But it also sounds like things weren't healthy for some time.

6 years of a relationship with no commitment beyond gf/bf is also a pretty big red flag in most cases. Did that have an impact or do you think that was a sign that either you or her weren't really sure about this thing, in retrospect?

Click to shrink...

I proposed like 4 years in, but I mean, she was 16 when we got together and I was 19, she said yes to the proposal but she was too young, then like 6 months later she decided she didn't believe in marriage and didn't want kids, then she started questioning her sexuality and yeah... things went downhill from there. I fucking hate how this went down and people seeing my post history is now going to make people think I was an evil person, but shit, i made a mistake, but its not a black and white situation.

 

[Dreams-Visions]

I have never heard this, thank you for that. It's hard to believe it will hurt less but I am hoping it will.

Click to shrink...

Again, just about everyone that is on this forum has been through a tough breakup. They always suck when it's someone you really loved. Everyone moves on in their own time. If you really start feeling like you're unable to function, speak to a counselor. Otherwise, it'd be good to spend time with family or to speak to old friends and do things to pass the time and get your mind off of it.

I proposed like 4 years in, but I mean, she was 16 when we got together and I was 19, she said yes to the proposal but she was too young, then like 6 months later she decided she didn't believe in marriage and didn't want kids, then she started questioning her sexuality and yeah... things went downhill from there. I fucking hate how this went down and people seeing my post history is now going to make people think I was an evil person, but shit, i made a mistake, but its not a black and white situation.

Click to shrink...

As so she's ~22 and you're like ~25.

All will be well, my friend. Just latch on to some of the good advice already presented here. It sucks, but you will be fine. Storms pass and so will this.

 

[The Fabled Englishman]

Are you, in fact, receiving treatment for BPD?

 

[pvin626]

Spend time with your friends and keep your self busy. Take some time to reflect on the relationship and look back on mistakes that you made that you could learn from. This is all a learning experience that is only going to help you be better yourself for your future relationships. Join the gym, eat better, take care of yourself, build up your confidence once again. Don't rush into dating, take the time to work on yourself, this will help if you were really dependant on your significant other. Best of luck to you, it will get better.

 

[Djkhaled]

It's beginning to sound like your relationship had a lot more problems than the one you mentioned in the OP.

So your girlfriend came out as Gay, not Bi? Then wanted to start an open relationship and you two aren't having sexual contact?

Click to shrink...

pretty much, she said she was gay and no longer wanted to have sex with males, but she didnt want to break up, then 3 months went by and she hadn't made up her mind on how we move forward, so she said "lets have an open relationship starting next week" But I started talking to a girl literally like 4 days before the open relationship officially started so she told me thats cheating and she broke up with me.

 

[ScaleboundGOTY]

This just got awkward

 

[Djkhaled]

Are you, in fact, receiving treatment for BPD?

Click to shrink...

Yes, I have a session in a few hours

 

[Pall Mall]

Remember that you are allowed to feel bad, shitty, crushed. During my last breakup I always felt like it was my fault that I couldn't get over things. It will happen, and on your own time.

 

[shnurgleton]

pretty much, she said she was gay and no longer wanted to have sex with males, but she didnt want to break up, then 3 months went by and she hadn't made up her mind on how we move forward, so she said "lets have an open relationship starting next week" But I started talking to a girl literally like 4 days before the open relationship officially started so she told me thats cheating and she broke up with me.

Click to shrink...

Umm

Sounds like this breakup is a positive development, to be honest

 

[Djkhaled]

This just got awkward

Click to shrink...

What did? if you're talking about the "cheating" thing, maybe read the thread first

 

[Eros]

You don't have to say how disabled you are if you don't want, but what's the extent of you not being able to go outside? Because I think getting some friends and doing things outside the house sounds like it can be great for you. Even with a wife and friends, if I don't get out of the house after a certain point, I still get a little bit of depression.

 

[Djkhaled]

Umm

Sounds like this breakup is a positive development, to be honest

Click to shrink...

Oh yeah, I am not disputing in the long run its probably a positive, but right now its absolutely crushing me.

 

[MazeHaze]

Never base you self worth on someone else. You should compliment your partner, not complete them. If you can't be happy by yourself, a relationship with someone else will never work because you will become co-dependant.

 

[kyle mechlachlan]

you should continue communicating with that other person on tinder and pursue that, or anything really. you need a rebound.

 

[Djkhaled]

You don't have to say how disabled you are if you don't want, but what's the extent of you not being able to go outside? Because I think getting some friends and doing things outside the house sounds like it can be great for you. Even with a wife and friends, if I don't get out of the house after a certain point, I still get a little bit of depression.

Click to shrink...

I am disabled enough that more than 10 minutes outside leads to long term mental and physical pain.

 

[Lord Fagan]

why the fuck do you people never put 'get some therapy bro' in these lists

Click to shrink...

OP, get some therapy, bro.

They're trained professionals and - like any problem - if this one is worth fixing right, you'd be wise to get their input.

 

[Ryaaan14]

Based on everything you've said ITT you're both way better off

 

[Djkhaled]

OP, get some therapy, bro.

They're trained professionals and - like any problem - if this one is worth fixing right, you'd be wise to get their input.

Click to shrink...

But I am getting therapy, I've said like 3 times in this thread I have an appointment in a few hours. I just want some support from people

 

[Djkhaled]

Based on everything you've said ITT you're both way better off

Click to shrink...

I agree with that, its just so hard.

 

[Pall Mall]

Can we just support OP in his time of need. He's not painting himself as the good guy or anything, he's just hurting and turning to Era for emotional support.

 

[Blue Skies]

you're younger than I am op
and I thought I was young

you'll find someone else. but before that, try to find yourself.

 

[Djkhaled]

Can we just support OP in his time of need. He's not painting himself as the good guy or anything, he's just hurting and turning to Era for emotional support.

Click to shrink...

Thank you, that means a lot, I legit opened the post by saying I fucked up, I have tried to clarify what happened. I know i am a screw up. But i'm not evil

 

[cmalex23]

why the fuck do you people never put 'get some therapy bro' in these lists

Click to shrink...

Seriously.
After a really bad breakup, I did therapy for a while to get my own shit together. It was the best decision of my life.

OP, I suggest therapy. It can put things into perspective, even about your relationship that just ended. Most importantly, hang in there. It gets better and just aim to get through one day at a time.