My wife and I watched all the Jurassic park films back to back

Oct 27, 2017
1,828
User warned: sexist language. Please don't refer to women as "cows".
I love all the Jurassic Park films. I suppose being objective, they're all quite bad (especially the latter films), but they call to my soul in ways I can't quite articulate. So I got my wife to watch the all with me in a marathon Jurassic funfest one weekend. She spent most of her time rolling her eyes so hard I could hear it, but she seemed to mostly enjoy herself. And no, they're not riddled with plot holes and nonsensical shite, they're talking points dammit. I couldn't list all the stupid stuff if I tried anyway.

Jurassic Park
Obviously the best film of the lot. The dinosaurs feel thrilling, new, dangerous. The cast is good and it scared the shit out of me when I saw it at the cinema.

Notable points;
- Fabulous CGI and special effects, it still holds up 30 years later.
- Geography be damned with a T-Rex paddock simultaneously at road level and yet with a gigantic drainage cliff.
- The T-Rex and Raptors are genuinely scary.
- Only two programmers for the entire park? Nedry and Arnold. Is Arnold even a programmer?
- Toilets by the T-Rex paddock? But why!
- Dr Wu as a normal scientist. Who knew what he would become!
- Alan Grant knows the attacking patterns of raptors from his fossils, Muldoon doesn't even though he's had live animals to study.
- "Shooooooooooot heeerrrrrr"
- Spared no expense, except on programmers.
- Nedry's can of embryos in the mud, I was so sure that would become something I'd see in a sequel, but not yet.
- Jurassic Park would probably have been a raging success if not for Nedry who turned all the fences off.


Lost World
Ramps up the stupid, but it's a fun romp.

Notable points;
- Malcolm as lead? Geoff 'The Plank' Goldblum in full on crap acting mode.
- Token black child bearing zero genetic resemblence in any way to Malcolm. Maybe she's adopted?
- Sarah has an annoying face.
- Sarah the wildlife expert does everything wrong when it comes to wildlife.
- Two T-Rex's! Awwwww yeah.
- Just how tall is the tree the high hide is in?
- The raptors are less scary.
- The T-Rex's are less scary despite being twice as many.
- Gymnastics girl Vs raptors.
- Poor random bloke in San Diego getting chomped.
- Would all have worked out fine if Nick hadn't sabotaged the camp.


Jurassic Park 3
Yes it can get more stupid. Mercenaries who aren't, rich sightseers who aren't, cheques bouncing, new Dinosaur. What a wild ride.

Notable points;
- What eats the blokes on the boat at the start?
- Kid can get down from the tangled parachute but leading lady love interest man can't. Kid could have helped dammit.
- Spinosaurus! Grrrrrr.
- T-Rex relegated to almost comedy bit part, booo. Obvious scene where Spinosaurus kills the Rex.
- Stupid warring parents getting back together plot because he lost 25lbs and looks good again.
- Colourful raptors now.
- Hilariously abrupt ending.
- Low key sad sub plot point with Grant and Ellie no longer together, she's moved on Alan, she has kids of her own now and after you made so much progress in Jurassic Park too.
- Satellite phones in big piles of shite.
- Would all have been fine if Tea Leone hadn't attracted the Spinosaurus by shouting through a mega phone.


Jurassic World
We're a theme park now baby! Idiocy levels ramped right up, but damn we're quick to the action and it's all brilliant nonsense.

Notable points;
- Lady in charge of bleeding edge theme park is young and hot? I refuse to believe it! She should be a grizzled old cow with years of management experience. Expense spared apparently.
- Career lady Claire doesn't do kids, but this needs to change and she must be made to feel bad about not bonding with her nephews.
- Stupid parents divorcing sub plot.
- Mad rides. Driving your own gyropod into the legs of a giant dinosaur, crack on kids!
- The entire fall of the park is Claire's fault. They can't detect the Indominus in the cage so rather than check the tracking chip there and then, see it's still in there and avoid the coming disaster, she rushes off to do it in the car a suitable distance away from the enclosure. Bonus points for whoever decided it was sensible to go into the enclosure before confirming it was definitely empty, looking at you 'Dinosaur behavioural expert' Owen.
- Assistant lady suffers protracted and unnecessary death.
- They didn't want to kill the Indominus because they had $36mil invested in it, even when it becomes apparent it's munching its way through multiple billions of dollars of dinosaurs, fences, swat teams and law suits.
- I can absolutely fly a helicopter, oh whoops.
- T-Rex relegated to helpful saviour, shares meaningful glance with semi-pet raptor.
- Nonsensical plot about military raptors. Not one iota of that makes sense, I can't even.
- Colourful raptors see, fuck you plain brown raptors from Jurassic Park.
- Raptors definitely not scary. Raptors becoming a touch comedic if anything.
- Moasaur wins the best Dino competition.
- Brief scene in the old Jurassic Park lobby. Will we get Nedry's mud can? No we won't.
- Look it's Dr Wu! Only now he's one step away from cackling mad scientist.
- Would all have been fine if Claire hadn't been rubbish.


Fallen Kingdom
Here we go lads, the finale (for now), let's double down on all the idiotic nonsense from Jurassic World.

Notable points;
- Hey it's Malcolm, but he has a beard now.
- Failed head of Jurassic World Claire now runs a charity for dinosaurs or something.
- Military raptors are still a thing apparently.
- Hilarious computer nerd character and feisty girl vet who wears painfully trendy clothes, how fresh.
- Pet Raptor. Raptors officially not scary anymore.
- Sad Brachiosaurus that goes 'Mooooo' as the smoke consumes her on the jetty. My wife got legit sad at this bit.
- With the eyes of the world on the collapsing Dino island, a large team of bad lads have no issues gaining access and stealing all the dinosaurs.
- That bloke sure likes teeth.
- Dinosaurs for sale! Let's start the bidding, do I hear £20? Who'll give me £25? Hilariously low sale prices.
- Serious Dinocrisis vibes, this is not a bad thing.
- Clone child.
- It's Dr Wu again, only this time he has transitioned fully to evil genius.
- Dinosaurs loose in the woods.
- Would all have been fine if Owen hadn't let the dinosaurs all out.

I think the only take away is that people are the real problem and that raptors love to jump on bigger dinosaurs. With any luck and the character arc Wu is apparently on, people will become the actual dinosaurs for the next installment. Apocalypse human/Dino hybrids, let's go.
 

takriel

The Fallen
Oct 25, 2017
3,662
I can't do it anymore. I can't watch dumb entertainment. Fuck Fallen Kingdom.
 

Blue Skies

Member
Mar 27, 2019
358
I can't do it anymore. I can't watch dumb entertainment. Fuck Fallen Kingdom.
Idk. Movies like that are meant for one of two things, a weekend of release watch for the experience and adrenaline on the big screen, or 9 months later on HBO with phone/tablet on hand while you browse whatever the fuck. Multiple beers or blunts in either scenario
 

CaviarMeths

Avenger
Oct 25, 2017
6,616
Western Canada
I actually kind of like Fallen Kingdom. Sort of. It takes too long to get started, and then is over too soon after it does. Also it's very dumb. But I liked it. A bit.

The first is obviously the best by a pretty significant margin, but I do think they're all fairly enjoyable. JP3 is probably the worst of the bunch and TLW feels too dark and mean-spirited a lot of the time. That movie has an insane body count and an even more cruel, needlessly drawn out death scene than the assistant in JW (Eddie being ripped in half by the two T-Rexes). Also it dedicated like 5 minutes of screen time to a guy slowly being stalked, worn down, and eventually eaten alive by tiny dinosaurs.
 

Amalthea

Member
Dec 22, 2017
1,575
I can't do it anymore. I can't watch dumb entertainment. Fuck Fallen Kingdom.
At this point it can only get dumber: Mecha T-Rex, regular T-Rex learns to fly, Blue befriends and starts to telepathically communicate with a random kid, they bake a souffle together in a comedic kitchen-scene that pays hommage to the original (Whoopsie, I locked Blue in the frezer *everyone laughs*), dead characters like Nedry or or Arnold (Sam Jacksons character) returning as cyborgs, Michael Crichton being exhumed so everyone can piss on his corpse and so on.
 

misho8723

Member
Jan 7, 2018
1,229
Slovakia
"I suppose being objective, they're all quite bad"
Uhhmmmm... what? Objectively the first JP is a great movie, that's a fact.. what are you about? How can you say/write something so wrong, man? Critics liked that movie, people loved - and still love - it, so how is that movie a bad one? Great cinematography, fantastic effects, great suspense, good acting, interesting and likeable characters, good written, one of the best movie music ever, etc.. how is that movie a bad one again?
 

Box

Avenger
Oct 27, 2017
3,275
Lancashire
No mention of that epic long take in the middle of Fallen Kingdom? It almost makes up for the rest of the film... Almost.
 

DonMigs85

Member
Oct 28, 2017
1,716
The can is actually tackled in Telltale's Jurassic Park game. Not sure if it's canon. Also the thing about no family resemblance between Malcolm and his daughter is brought up by another character (Eddie I think)
 

ScopehJ

Member
Oct 25, 2017
1,373
I think there all great pop corn fun and appeal greatly to the main stream and there financial results show that.
 

Roygbiv95

Member
Jan 24, 2019
655
I love all the Jurassic Park films. I suppose being objective, they're all quite bad (especially the latter films), but they call to my soul in ways I can't quite articulate. So I got my wife to watch the all with me in a marathon Jurassic funfest one weekend. She spent most of her time rolling her eyes so hard I could hear it, but she seemed to mostly enjoy herself. And no, they're not riddled with plot holes and nonsensical shite, they're talking points dammit. I couldn't list all the stupid stuff if I tried anyway.

Jurassic Park
Obviously the best film of the lot. The dinosaurs feel thrilling, new, dangerous. The cast is good and it scared the shit out of me when I saw it at the cinema.

Notable points;
- Fabulous CGI and special effects, it still holds up 30 years later.
- Geography be damned with a T-Rex paddock simultaneously at road level and yet with a gigantic drainage cliff.
- The T-Rex and Raptors are genuinely scary.
- Only two programmers for the entire park? Nedry and Arnold. Is Arnold even a programmer?
- Toilets by the T-Rex paddock? But why!
- Dr Wu as a normal scientist. Who knew what he would become!
- Alan Grant knows the attacking patterns of raptors from his fossils, Muldoon doesn't even though he's had live animals to study.
- "Shooooooooooot heeerrrrrr"
- Spared no expense, except on programmers.
- Nedry's can of embryos in the mud, I was so sure that would become something I'd see in a sequel, but not yet.
- Jurassic Park would probably have been a raging success if not for Nedry who turned all the fences off.
Objectively post. I am now inspired to make some notable points of the notable points.

- Agreed the CGI dinosaur models hold up well in all scenes, but not so much the the ones where real dinosaurs were shown being harmed on set.
- Guest bathrooms being located near the enclosure of the most popular dinosaur in the world might have been a superfluous feature
- Why is a paleontologist a scientist(?) who accumulates knowledge about behaviors of prehistoric animals via their fossilized remains? To be fair, Muldoon was trained to be a park warden of animals that didn't go extinct 65 million years ago
.- Huh. Thinking on it, is it possible Nedry might in fact be the movie's villain and not the shaving cream can?
 
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Finale Fireworker

Love each other or die trying.
Administrator
Oct 25, 2017
5,433
ResetEra
An interesting part of the Jurassic Park series is how it began as a major feminist blockbuster in an era where these themes were not a Hollywood priority and overtime became increasingly more sexist.

Jurassic Park goes from "the future is female" and how important a woman's perspective is in STEM fields to Jurassic World with themes such as "you're a flawed woman if you don't want to be a mom" and the female lead ranging from the always-wrong witch woman to barefoot and helpless on the ground. It's a bizarre trajectory.

I love Jurassic Park. I have no real interest or strong feelings about any of its sequels. I would say Jurassic Park was a cinematic milestone and one of the best movies ever made and the others could be lost in an archive fire and I wouldn't care. I think it's weird how Jurassic World seemed to cement Chris Pratt's likability and celebrity because I really hate Chris Pratt in that movie.
 

Post Reply

Member
Aug 1, 2018
1,748
Jurassic Park 3
Yes it can get more stupid. Mercenaries who aren't, rich sightseers who aren't, cheques bouncing, new Dinosaur. What a wild ride.

Notable points;
- What eats the blokes on the boat at the start?
- Kid can get down from the tangled parachute but leading lady love interest man can't. Kid could have helped dammit.
- Spinosaurus! Grrrrrr.
- T-Rex relegated to almost comedy bit part, booo. Obvious scene where Spinosaurus kills the Rex.
- Stupid warring parents getting back together plot because he lost 25lbs and looks good again.
- Colourful raptors now.
- Hilariously abrupt ending.
- Low key sad sub plot point with Grant and Ellie no longer together, she's moved on Alan, she has kids of her own now and after you made so much progress in Jurassic Park too.
- Satellite phones in big piles of shite.
- Would all have been fine if Tea Leone hadn't attracted the Spinosaurus by shouting through a mega phone.
How did T-Rex pee not make the list?

 

TheJollyCorner

The Fallen
Nov 7, 2017
1,418
Jurassic Park as a 13 year old was damn near a perfect film.

Fallen Kingdom at almost 40 just makes me want to go ly dow.
 

LosDaddie

Member
Oct 25, 2017
3,263
Longwood, FL
I only care to watch JP1 and both JWs. Really surprised how good Jurassic World was. One of the better franchise reboots fir sure. Fallen Kingdom is fun.

JP3 is easily the worst of them all.
 

zma1013

Member
Oct 27, 2017
1,257
Jurassic Park
Obviously the best film of the lot. The dinosaurs feel thrilling, new, dangerous. The cast is good and it scared the shit out of me when I saw it at the cinema.

- Only two programmers for the entire park? Nedry and Arnold. Is Arnold even a programmer?

- Alan Grant knows the attacking patterns of raptors from his fossils, Muldoon doesn't even though he's had live animals to study.
It's explained that most of the Jurassic Park staff were sent home away from the island because of the approaching storm. The park is running on a skeleton crew with most systems being automated.

Muldoon does know how raptors hunt, he just simply gets beat.


Also, you forgot about the most notable part of Jurassic Park 3... the talking raptor in the dream sequence. "ALLEN!"
 

Muitnorts

The Fallen
Oct 25, 2017
184
- Malcolm as lead? Geoff 'The Plank' Goldblum in full on crap acting mode.
Waaaait a minute I won’t stand for this Goldblum slander.

I can’t help but have a soft spot for all the films honestly.
The original is phenomenal. Always will be.
The Lost World is messy but has a bunch of fantastic scenes peppered throughout.
Jurassic Park 3 is… not good. But I still can’t hate it.
Jurassic World is really fun. Again not a great movie but a speedy and enjoyable ride, it was great to have the franchise back and it played my nostalgia like a fiddle.
Fallen Kingdom is just about the dumbest mainstream blockbuster I can think of. It’s so fucking stupid. None of it makes sense. But it looks pretty and I can’t completely resist its straight faced stupidity.
 

Cheebo

Member
Oct 25, 2017
10,758
Ann Arbor, MI
Fallen Kingdoms biggest sin for me was that it was really boring.

A Jurassic movie can be dumb and I can still be on board but boring...man that just kills it.


I go JP > TLW > JW > JP3 > FK
 

phatmike128

Member
Nov 3, 2017
49
I saw JP in cinemas in 1993 when I was 8. It was brilliant then and scared the bejesus out of me. I had seen the movie countless times on VHS, DVD and TV in the decades since 1993.

I saw it again for the 3D cinema release in 2013. It floored me. Holy shit the raptors were still fucking terrifying 20 years later. The sound mix was brilliant and the 3D actually added something for once.So damn glad I got to experience it again on the big screen as an adult.

The others.. meh. Still haven't watched Fallen Kingdom.
 
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balohna

Member
Nov 1, 2017
608
I watched the first 3 in a marathon a few years ago. As a kid I really liked The Lost World, so I was actually slightly surprised how much it sucks. The first one holds up really well though.
 
Oct 25, 2017
2,687
The weirdest part about fallen kingdom is that Owen feels like a totally different character.
Owen stops acting like the fun loving goof ball that just happens to be good with raptors and instead acts like a serious all business guy.
They try to make him into a total bad ass which doesn't really work.
 
Oct 25, 2017
4,471
Your basic summary that they get more and more stupid as they go on and that it's surprising how they can keep getting more stupid is right on the money.
 

Bengraven

Member
Oct 26, 2017
1,474
Three of my favorite scenes in JP happen in the least loved movies.

- pteranodon coming out of the mist in JP3
- FK’s rainy intro with T-rex
- unlock the paddock ARE YOU CRAZY?!

It’s funny because Jurassic World is probably number three on my list of favorite films but I can’t think of a single moment that stands out except the paddock moment.
 
OP
OP
BarryFishFinger
Oct 27, 2017
1,828
I retract my statement that JP1 is a bad film. It's not, it's a masterpiece and I love it despite some dumb moments.

I'm sorry, I missed a number of notable moments, there are far too many to mention and it was a lot of effort posting all that drivel on the train.

I'm sorry I referred to women as 'cows', albeit a potential fictional character who would be a more believable head of a major theme park than Claire and her high heels and roll up the sleeves can do attitude.
 

Laserdisk

Member
May 11, 2018
6,111
UK
The ole release order = quality order rule.
I like them all, I don't hate them and am a big Joe Johnston fan boy so I like 3 for all its issues.
 

Doomsayer

Member
Oct 25, 2017
1,357
The first Jurassic Park is a national treasure and anyone who says otherwise is a coward.

I actually just got tickets to see the LA Philharmonic perform John Williams original score at the Hollywood Bowl. HYPE