Need Advice: An Ex is accusing me of awful shit

Metallix87

Member
Nov 1, 2017
9,485
This past week, I was made aware of some accusations levied against me by an ex of mine. She's not going to the police or anything of the sort, but she went to our shared mutual friends with them, and they brought these accusations to me, and now I need some advice. She claims that, in the five and a half years we dated, we never had sex and instead claims that each sexual encounter in that over half a decade was rape. She's also saying that I was both emotionally and physically abusive towards her. My friends asked for my side of things, and I told them that it's not true, and that in fact she was the one who was abusive in the relationship, and I cited numerous instances they were physically there for to support myself. They seem to have sided with me, but the entire accusation and situation has left me feeling sick to my stomach and unaware of what, if anything, I should do.

For context:

- We broke up around 2011 or 2012, so this is quite some time ago.
- She broke up with me over the phone, after taking my pet cats and a bunch of our stuff from my apartment. When I tried to retrieve my cats back then, she called the cops and refused to speak with me, so I had to give up my cats as a result.
- Over the years, we would see each other a couple of times and be cordial to one another, but that status quo shifted about two to three years. At a mutual friend's wedding, she apparently broke down after seeing me and had to leave.
- We share mutual friends through me. She became friends with my friends during the course of our relationship. She's tried to convince them to stop being friends with me over the past few years, from what I was told.
- She became friends with two people who, to be frank, hate me outright after the breakup. My friends theorize that it's possible and likely that, after years of them talking shit about me to her, that she may be believing what they've said about me. I can't say for certain, as I'd have no idea about any of that.

I'm open to talk about it more, if anyone has any questions. I've offered to speak with her to sort the matter out, or write a letter to her to apologize for what she feels transpired, but my friends advised me against it, since she's simply not interested.

I'm not sure how to move forward now, and it's been troubling me ever since I found out on Monday. I haven't told my current girlfriend about any of this, because I'm not sure how she'll handle it or if she'd even want to know, so I've been trying to process it alone, and I just really need some sort of advice. I'd appreciate any and all help.
 
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Stalker

The Fallen
Oct 25, 2017
2,598
You make anyone who asks aware.
You cut her and other toxic people out your life.
 

atomsk eater

Member
Oct 25, 2017
1,422
Never been in this situation, but I'd advise against trying to contact her further. Don't do anything but speak the truth if people ask. If she's going around spreading things that are untrue you don't want to have any ammo for her to go "see, he's obsessed with me/harassing me, won't leave me alone, etc etc." You've tried to reach out and she isn't having it, so just leave it.

If your girlfriend hangs out with any mutual friends or might be in a position to hear what your ex is saying, you might want to bring it up at some point. Better she hears it from you than someone else, I would think, but you know her better.
 

Smurf

Member
Oct 25, 2017
16,222
the first thing you do is tell your girlfriend. Better she hears this from you than someone else, otherwise, she might start wondering why you were hiding it from her in the 1st place.
 
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OP
OP
Metallix87

Metallix87

Member
Nov 1, 2017
9,485
I guess you're both right. I'll tell her next time I see her, and hopefully she handles it well.
 

Deleted member 50969

User requested account closure
Banned
Dec 17, 2018
892
Inform your girlfriend first, then try and cut off all avenues connected between you and your ex-girlfriend.
 

Verelios

Member
Oct 26, 2017
6,066
1.Tell your current girlfriend about what's happening. Better to hear from you then from another, probably worse source.
2.Don't talk or have any contact with your ex. At all.
3. Make it clear to all your close friends what happened, what's happening right now, and let chips fall where they may.
4. Don't contact or engage your ex. Forget her.
 

darz1

Member
Dec 18, 2017
2,046
Honestly i feel like something is missing from your story. You make it sound like your ex was is crazy and abusive and that you did nothing wrong. So either your ex is bad shit crazy or perhaps she really felt like you abused her.

Either way you arent with her now, just leave it alone. People who know you will judge you from their own experiences with you and her. Tell your gf, theres no reason not to so long as you are honest
 
OP
OP
Metallix87

Metallix87

Member
Nov 1, 2017
9,485
Honestly i feel like something is missing from your story. You make it sound like your ex was is crazy and abusive and that you did nothing wrong. So either your ex is bad shit crazy or perhaps she really felt like you abused her.
I'm not trying to absolve myself of guilt in the relationship. Neither one of us was right for the other, and we definitely were pretty mean to each other. That being said, I'm not guilty of what she's accusing me of, and while I don't want to say outright that she's crazy, I'm extremely perplexed as to where she got those ideas from.
 

joecanada

Member
Oct 28, 2017
3,194
Canada
1.Tell your current girlfriend about what's happening. Better to hear from you then from another, probably worse source.
2.Don't talk or have any contact with your ex. At all.
3. Make it clear to all your close friends what happened, what's happening right now, and let chips fall where they may.
4. Don't contact or engage your ex. Forget her.
Yeah I would only add if cutting her out isn't working perhaps try to lure her into emailing something to protect yourself like if you emailed and said I'm genuinely confused why you are saying these things and want to make it right , but this heavily depends how devious she is . And cutting all communication should be choice 1 , 2 and 3 ..... I'm talking last resort
 
OP
OP
Metallix87

Metallix87

Member
Nov 1, 2017
9,485
Yeah I would only add if cutting her out isn't working perhaps try to lure her into emailing something to protect yourself like if you emailed and said I'm genuinely confused why you are saying these things and want to make it right , but this heavily depends how devious she is . And cutting all communication should be choice 1 , 2 and 3 ..... I'm talking last resort
For the record, and to clarify, I've essentially had no actual communication with her for over five years now.
 

big_z

Member
Nov 2, 2017
2,507
if your relationship was toxic as you said she should have been happy to be out of it. 7-8 years is too long of time for a failed relationship that never really worked in the first place to bother someone unless more happened than you've shared. the way you paint her as crazy and that your long term friends had to ask you about her claims makes me think you might have gotten in the shower.
 

Kotto

Member
Nov 3, 2017
2,613
Definitely let your GF know regardless of how she may take it. You allow someone to paint you in a different way if they tell her first.

If you never had no contact with her in forever, there's not much else you can do but keep it that way. Maybe formally inform her to stop slandering your name or you will take her to court (assuming libel laws exist where you are).
 

PaJeppy

Banned
Nov 8, 2017
1,094
Good thing you aren't famous.

Honestly though, my brother went through something similar. Like others have said just do your best to avoid her and don't instigate anything.
 
Oct 27, 2017
209
USA
IANAL but wouldn't it be wise to see a lawyer just so that they can advise you on what to do and what not to do? I would probably do that first if it was me. That's some serious, fuck-your-life-up accusations.
 

hydro94530

Member
Oct 27, 2017
2,098
Bay Area
In any situation, don’t ever apologize for something you didn’t do, especially just to appease someone who’s in the wrong, because they win then (and it could be looked at like your admitting it’s true).
 

GrizzNKev

Avenger
Oct 25, 2017
1,137
I was in a 6 month relationship in which I was emotionally and sexually abused. Nearly a year after I stopped allowing her to contact me I received an email from her in the same exact tone she always used to gaslight me, doing the same sort of thing you described. Saying she was never into me at all, reminding me of all my failings, blaming me for all her problems and claiming I wouldn't leave her alone even though I'm the one who had to block her on everything to escape her abuse.

Turns out she had gotten herself into another situation where she was lying and manipulating a friend of a friend of mine, and after being confronted with the knowledge that she had been abusive toward me by this friend of a friend, was trying to rewrite the narrative to discredit me and in turn discredit her new enemies.

People like this are incredibly dangerous and do not feel guilty for the harm they cause to others. Get as far away as you can.
 

Camstun187

Banned
Oct 29, 2017
2,166
China
User banned (1 week): trolling, history of similar infractions
So OP is a male, and a woman is accusing him of bad things, and most in the topic are taking his side?

Does not compute.
 

GrizzNKev

Avenger
Oct 25, 2017
1,137
So OP is a male, and a woman is accusing him of bad things, and most in the topic are taking his side?

Does not compute.
It's so funny how hard people try to discredit valid things like metoo by making shitass posts like this. Did you even read the OP and compute the ridiculous nature of the accusations? Nothing about this story makes it appear to be anything like the types of situations you're referring to.

Just went through this dude's post history, and beyond being banned for sexism recently, he constantly does dismissive drive-by posts about all kinds of social issues. Not surprised.
 
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AGoodODST

Member
Oct 28, 2017
807
So OP is a male, and a woman is accusing him of bad things, and most in the topic are taking his side?

Does not compute.
Try actually engaging your brain and it might compute.

On topic sorry to hear that OP. It sounds stressful as fuck. No contact (which it sounds like has been the case anyway) and defo tell your GF.
 

siddx

Banned
Dec 25, 2017
1,807
I worry about this with two of my exes. One in particular did not handle me breaking up with her well. She spiralled for a few months trying to find ways to hurt me. At one point she slept with one if my friends to try and hurt me and when I reacted with apathy rather than anger it set her off even more. She started trying to set me up in situations to embarrass me. I had to cut her out completely and she responded by attempting to force her way into a relatives wedding party. She was so determined to hurt me in some way that despite it being almost a decade since we dated I still worry about her trying to fuck my life over.

I realize I made this post all about me like the selfish fuck I am so my bad. Basically I feel for you and wish you the best.
 

Lakeside

Member
Oct 25, 2017
4,379
I once had an ex that didn’t handle the breakup well. She called me daily, showed up at my house unannounced, pretty much stalked me for months.

Better yet, she accused me of being the one doing these things and convinced one of her male friends to threaten me with violence if I didn’t stop.

People are crazy. I feel lucky it was before the recent climate set in or it’d probably be something like this.
 

Siggy-P

Avenger
Mar 18, 2018
5,612
Keep your distance from her. Make sure that anyone who asks knows that she's a liar and that it's not true. Keep calm and act truthfully.

I understand though I never had anyone spread anything like that about me but it can be pretty bad thinking she might be telling others bad stuff about you.

So OP is a male, and a woman is accusing him of bad things, and most in the topic are taking his side?

Does not compute.
Cus the only person who let's political motivations and bias affect their decisions here is you and your drive by post.
 

TheLostBigBoss

The Fallen
Oct 26, 2017
8,916
Dear god do not write a fucking letter apologizing to her.

Don't contact her, keep avoiding her. If you really want to, get a free consultation from a lawyer about slander and/or restraining orders considering this is pretty much defamation.

Maybe formally inform her to stop slandering your name or you will take her to court (assuming libel laws exist where you are).
 

IzzyRX

Avenger
Oct 28, 2017
3,211
Others have said enough, but alert your friends and stay the hell away from her. Leave if she arrives where you are, don't give her a chance to cause a scene.
 

truly101

Banned
Oct 29, 2017
3,245
Not exactly on topic, but can mods delete posts? Constantly quoting shitheads on era does nothing but give them the attention they need, even if they are banned. If their shit gets wiped from the thread, then they get nothing.
 

Zoe

Member
Oct 25, 2017
5,872
Dear god do not write a fucking letter apologizing to her.

Don't contact her, keep avoiding her. If you really want to, get a free consultation from a lawyer about slander and/or restraining orders considering this is pretty much defamation.
While this would be the correct legal route and OP would be totally justified in taking it, I would worry that she may try to escalate and make these accusations "official".
 

TheLostBigBoss

The Fallen
Oct 26, 2017
8,916
While this would be the correct legal route and OP would be totally justified in taking it, I would worry that she may try to escalate and make these accusations "official".
Well yea, but I'm sure any competent lawyer would go over likely outcomes and such, but escalating it always has the chance of the opposing party to retaliate by upping the ante.
 

Acorn

Member
Oct 25, 2017
7,145
Scotland
While this would be the correct legal route and OP would be totally justified in taking it, I would worry that she may try to escalate and make these accusations "official".
Surely it wouldn't go anywhere? Actual rapes are pretty much impossible to prove years after the fact without any rapekits so a liar has even less chance.
 

Westbahnhof

The Fallen
Oct 27, 2017
5,604
Austria
Surely it wouldn't go anywhere? Actual rapes are pretty much impossible to prove years after the fact without any rapekits so a liar has even less chance.
True, and while this might be a positive thing in this instance(that OP can't easily get dragged into legal stuff by a horrible ex), the fact that rape is so hard to prosecute just made me sad. Its usually a terrible thing.
Good thing I was already mad because of OP, so not too much change.
 

PJV3

Member
Oct 25, 2017
5,300
London
The letter thing sounds like a way for her to show you feel guilty, it's going to come back and bite you harder.
 

Solar Puffin

Member
Oct 8, 2018
2,372
Sydney
She took your cats?
Your fucking cats!?
What kinda sick fuck takes cats?
My cats are like my children man...
I don't understand how you were able to remain cordial dude. You're a bigger man than I.
 

Acorn

Member
Oct 25, 2017
7,145
Scotland
True, and while this might be a positive thing in this instance(that OP can't easily get dragged into legal stuff by a horrible ex), the fact that rape is so hard to prosecute just made me sad. Its usually a terrible thing.
Good thing I was already mad because of OP, so not too much change.
100% agree seems like you only get a conviction for historical rapes by having multiple victims come forward otherwise they aren't believed.
 
Oct 27, 2017
1,307
Rubber City
We see this every once in a while in the Dating ERA thread.

Basically

  1. Block her number and her in general. Do not answer her or contact her as that’ll put more fuel on the fire.
  2. Tell family and anyone you’re in a relationship about this. Let them know she’s harassing you. Don’t bring this up to friends unless they ask, at which point tell them your story.
  3. Have your side of the story laid out. Don’t wave and don’t lie. And don’t accept fault.
  4. Save any forms of communication from her if you can. Email, voice messages, etc.
  5. If this continues then consider a lawyer, but at this point it’s overkill.
Good luck
 

Jaaake

Avenger
Oct 25, 2017
1,338
Australia
Document everything and seek a lawyer.

If we take your word that she's full of shit, it's probably better to nip this one in the bud now before she escalates it further. Sounds like she has issues.
 

skeezx

Member
Oct 27, 2017
6,201
personally, i'd run for the hills.

like however way she's still involved in your life, cut that out. i don't know the specifics of how she's still in the picture and what particularly it is you can do, but fact she's still around sounds like there may be more bridges to burn. like your 'mutual friends' may want to ascertain if you really want them around, if they're really just neutral players caught up in the mix or people who'll just keep the narrative ongoing, even if their intentions aren't insidious and they aren't bad people or whatever

i know it hurts and you want the truth to come out (as you should make your case adamant when asked) but people have tendency to run with the most salacious narrative in their head despite its veracity. sometimes it's just best to leave people in their own little world of crazy until they sink their own ship and don't drag you down with it
 

Zoe

Member
Oct 25, 2017
5,872
Surely it wouldn't go anywhere? Actual rapes are pretty much impossible to prove years after the fact without any rapekits so a liar has even less chance.
An official accusation would make OP's life hell, and it would be very difficult to clean up the fallout after the fact.
 

Acorn

Member
Oct 25, 2017
7,145
Scotland
An official accusation would make OP's life hell, and it would be very difficult to clean up the fallout after the fact.
True if he got charged. I'm not a lawyer clearly, so dunno how likely or not that would be.

Still feel like it would be wise to atleast start consulting a lawyer for defamation as she can escalate regardless.
 

HyGogg

Banned
Oct 27, 2017
2,495
I have seen this sort of thing before. My ex told me she had made false rape charges against an ex to try to bully him into staying with her. I made a mental note not to have break up sex with her.

A friend of mine who is a public figure broke up with a long time girlfriend and she dragged him to court for over a year on false domestic violence charges (I was at their house the night they broke up. She was hospitalized but only because of suicide threats), dragging his name at public events and generally trying to make as much trouble as possible. A lot of it seemed motivated by the fact that his status as an artist would mean he would get all of of support and keep all of the friends, and she would just be reduced to so-and-so's ex. In the end not many people took her side.

When it comes to personal relationships, it's often fairly obvious when someone is crazy or full of shit. It becomes messier when these things get broadcast to people you don't know or don't know well.