Well well well. The season is upon us! Get ready to Spin the Wheel of Hockey Fortune (0 IS an even number in this casino!)
What strange timelines we inhabit. What perverse fluctuations of causality pulse through our unstable reality. The St. Louis IX Blues are World Champions of Stanley's Ice Hockey. Who could have imagined it? In what perverse mindbrain could such an eventuality have been hatched and nurtured? With the advent of the Blues, the Great Reversal has begun. The last are now first. The Original Six are now the Original Sux. Now for Buffalo, now for Vancouver, now for Winnepeg, now for Columbus and Phoenix and Florida. The Age of Tyranny is over. The Age of Gloria has begun.
But the landscape has shifted toward more than just a new species of champion. In Toronto, the beating dickheart of the hockey world, Mitch Marner and the helicopter known as his father finally came to terms with Kyle Dumbass and the Syrup Grasses. Patrik "Many-Toothed" Laine of the Jets locked horns with GM Chevroleyedoff in a contest of years and dollars. Sebastian Aho was courted by Marc Bergevin and the Habitants in a half-hearted bid that would have been embarassing for Storage Wars, much less the NHL. Evgeni Kuznetzov was punished, in classic NHL fashion, for being interesting and having fun.
The world turns, the sun rises, and a new season dawns. Across the league, hearts are kindled with hope and delirium, as flaws are talked away and projections are inflated. 40 goal scorers and Norris candidates abound, safe for the moment from the harsh realities of the actual season. And every fan in the league dreams of enjoying their team winning as much as the king of degenerates enjoyed the St. Louis IX Blues' Stanley Cup victory.
Tweak your hockey nipples, ERA. The NHL is back, and for the moment, our empty lives have the illusion of purpose, if only in our vitriol toward happy fans of other teams.
(click for schedules)
HOTLANTIC
BRUINS
Felled by the Double Cubs of Hockey, you hate to see it. One Robb goes down and another rises! They're bringing back a finals team and will no doubt be relevant this season, and likely a contender, unless Rask grows another snout and Bergeron finally becomes Brokegeron, or Bergerold, or Hospice Bergeron, you pick.
did u know: bruin is phonetically similar to brunzen, the German verb "to piss."
Robb Quotient: 0.0
SABRES
Spelled canadian style, with none of the canadian hockey pedigree. They had a hot start last year and will be hoping to not fall off a glacier ledge halfway through this season. Hopefully they can make the playoffs, if only to ignite a border war with Marnerite zealots from Ontario.
did u know: miroslav satan is the most likeable person in this franchise's history, which shows you the kind of people that thrive in the wastes of buffalo.
Robb Quotient: 0.0
RED WINGS
An absolute nadir approaches for the Red Wings, as they are down to a historic low of dirty players that the media capes for. Niklas "Put Your Back Into It" Kronwall has finally gone the way of all old turdies, and the team now hopes to escape a grim recent past through the intercession of their new GM and Michael Keaton look alike, Steve Yzerman. Yzerman is a legend at getting stars to sign lowball contracts, which is too bad for Detroit, since they have no stars.
did u know: their arena has awesome restaurants and big-screen tvs.
Robb Quotient: 0.0
PANTHERS
Beautiful Russian goalies, beautiful Finns with Russian-sounding names, a drunken-sounding Denis Potvin as a former commentator; the Panthers have it all. Except for consistent playoff appearances. Hopefully they make it back to the postseason and can rain rats on their opponents, although it's a less effective tactic on Rangers, Islanders, and Devils fans, because they don't notice.
did u know: the panthers drafted future stanley cup champion jay "the IV plug" bouwmeester 3rd overall in the 2002 nhl draft.
Robb Quotient: 0.0
CANADIENS
"Hey there! Can I lure you away from your current job with a mediocre contract offer that your current boss will laugh at both of us for? No? Well, then stay the hell out of Montreal, dickhead!" The Habitants go into Year Three of the Reign of the Contract of Price, hoping that their young players, such as Max Domi, can have ICE in their veins. Jasper Kotkaniemi, whose last name sounds like the second-stage pokemon form of Niemi, will hope to take the step to stardom.
did u know: the habs won 10 overtime games in the '93 playoffs, which is also the number of games Shea Weber is likely to play this year.
Robb Quotient: 0.0
SENATORS
Their players light people on fire at barbecues; their players' wives harrass other wives after family tragedies; their owner gets sued by everyone in Ottawa who has seen a billboard for a law firm. They can't go any lower, so we look forward to the Golden Age of the Tkachuk-Chabot Dyarchy.
did u know: scott niedermayer JUMPED AT that puck that daniel "the super swede" alfredsson shot in the '07 finals. once a diving binch, always a diving binch, eh wienermeyer?
Robb Quotient: 0.5
LIGHTNING
Stamghost, Krutcherov, Pointeless; they all blinked agaisnt the powerfull juggernaut of John Tortorella's obvious compensation syndrome. This year, it's cup or bust for a team that has all the talent but none of the classic Burkean traits.
did u know: dave andreychuck, lightning legend, is being blackballed from the hall of fame by orrite lackeys. will justice ever be done?
Robb Quotient: 0.0
MAPLE LEAFS
Paul Marner, from over his son's slender shoulder, has finally gotten a contract. Now we only wait to see if this reincarnation of Mike Cammalleri can live up to the original. Meanwhile, the clock ticks on the charm spell Babcock cast on the hockey media. How many more first round fuckups is he allowed? The Leaves will need to go deep into the playoff rake pile, or go another direction.
did u know: doug gilmour is a piece of shit.
Robb Quotient: 0.0
URBOPOLITAN
HURRICANES
They made Don Cherry mad, which is an illustrious honor shared by such recipients as the two-line pass and languages other than English. Former Chicago prospect Tuevo Teravainen and nugod pseudo-hab Sebastian Aho form part of the exciting young core of the Hurricanes, who are fun to watch despite their AA-baseball level jerseys.
did u know: rod 'the bod' brind'amour was once part of something called the 'bbc' line, which obviously predated internet video streaming.
Robb Quotient: 0.0
BLUE JACKETS
Grit. Determination. Foligno-esque qualities. Giant slayers. These words encompass the Blue Jackets of last season. What words will describe them next summer? "Warriors"? "Champions"? "Tortorella finally got laid and calmed down"?
did u know: the blue jackets are grit-lovers' proof that a team of second liners can be moderately successful and interesting. luh u foggy
Robb Quotient: 0.0
DEVILS
The Subbanity is here! Ray Shero pulling the trigger! Pavel Zacha blowing in the breeze! Heady days are ahead for the Devils, who still haven't resolved the temporal anomaly in space they created by fleecing Chiarelli's dumb ass that hard.
did u know: brodeur left his wife for the wife of her brother. where's the docudrama?
Robb Quotient: 0.0
ISLANDERS
These gutless, cowardly, no-gumption having ass poltroons had a chance to be legends, to truly ignite a rivalry that would last a generation. But they failed. They weren't able to offersheet Marner, and now they will sink back into seventh-seed mediocrity for the next 5 years. Oh, Barzal, for what could have been!
did u know: lou lamoriello is banned from returning to hell. even satan is tired of him.
Robb Quotient: 0.5
RANGERS
Bright lights in the big city! And big contracts too, to megastars like Artemi Panarin and Kevin Shattenkirk. And if Shattenkirk wasn't a poopy enough name for you, the Rags went ahead and drafted an actual human person named Kaapo Kaako. The jokes will write themselves come February when heroes like Zibanejad and Buchnevich are keeping this team afloat.
UPDATE: Shattenpoop no longer resides in Manhattan, but has taken his talents to the ethereal Stamkos plane.
did u know: they've never found the katana that connor macleod stashed in the MSG parking garage. cover up? or general incompetence? you be the judge.
Robb Quotient: 0.0
FLYERS
Oh baby they got some jawns going on down there at Filthy Comcast Oligarch Whose Dick They Inexplicably Suck Arena. They got Claude Giroux, the best center in Pennsylvania. They got Ivan Provorov, who got that money. They got other jawns too, who will be better this year. They don't have a goalie jawn, though, but that shit is overrated anyway.
did u know: bobby clarke was a drunk asshole who should have been dumpstered by the soviet team.
Robb Quotient: 1.0
PENGUINS
Imagine one of your biggest rivals getting out from under your thumb and winning. Imagine the all-time great captain of those rivals, who you've spent your entire (protracted) adolescence denigrating for never winning, hoisting the Stanley Cup. Imagine how empty your fandom would be. Imagine knowing, as you surge with resentment, that the drunken oafs celebrating aren't thinking of you at all. Wouldn't that motivate you? Would you settle for anything less than a first round sweep at the hands of the Islanders? Of course not. This is Titletown baby!
did u know: martin straka was a beast on ea sports nhl 2000. such a fun player to play with.
Robb Quotient: 0.0
CAPITALS
What else could they have done? The alignment of planets and the vicissitudes of fate cannot change who we are. Our essence, despite all fortune and all chance, remains the same. So it is with the Capitals. Chaos gifted them a championship, and Order returned them to disappointment. Thus it was and ever shall be. Things will be tougher for them this year, as the league's best center, Evgeny Kuznetsov, will be under scrutiny for dabbling in them smelling powders that the normies hate.
did u know: in the interdimensional world tournament, alex ovechkin DESTROYED mike bossey, mario "got lucky off bourque's fat skate" lemieux, and gordie "how now brown cow" howe in the scoring contest, and the supreme kai named him greatest scorer in the multiverse. them's facts.
Robb Quotient: 0.0
MIDDLE
CHICAGO HOCKEY TEAM
Is there any young player these dinguses can keep? Despite crooked contracts, despite horseshit mystery diseases to soulless mercenaries like Marian "The Ho" Hossa, the Chicago Hockey Team is still riding the mediocre spiral of Toews' descent into Keith Primeau-dom. DeBrincat needs to become a star if the playoffs are to be in Chicago's future.
did u know: legends say that denis savard is still spinning, somewhere where all circles expand and all ice is perpetual and self-renewing in its smoothness.
Robb Quotient: 0.5
AVALANCE
The snow is coming. MacKinnon, the spurned MVP. Rantanen, the spurned Finnish phenom. Whatever bum they have in goal, the spurned bum in goal. The Avalanche have youth and room to grow, which should be concerning for other teams in the Central.
did u know: LANDESKOG GIF
Robb Quotient: 0.0
STARS
Yeeeeeehawwwwwwwww these boys are PRIMED for contention! We got Seguin! We got Jamie "Jerkin it Stalefish" Benn! We got Oskar Klingerberg, who never stops sticking to an opponent's butt! And we got ST. LOUIS NATIVE Ben Bishop, who put our dead asses on his Atlas back to no avail last season. The Stars may be dangerous if they are able to protect their goalie, and if his ligaments aren't severed by a stiff North Texas breeze.
did u know: ed belfour would have been a great castrator of steers, considering his penchant for attacking opponents' scrota.
Robb Quotient: 0.0
WILD
Buried under contracts like the northern snow. Parise and Suter, the hometown boys, are now the hometown millstones around the neck of the State of Hockey. It's unclear what the future holds for Minnesota, although having a new GM should help, as long as he doesn't give out massive contracts to aging natives.
did u know: Minneapolis has teams in each major sport, yet all of them take the state's name rather than the city's. what are they ashamed of?
Robb Quotient: 0.0
PREDATORS
Unfortunate name. Unfortunate jersey. Unfortunate haircut for their coach, Peter Laviolette. Lot's of unfortunate things for the Preds lately. They hope that their young players can take the next step into stardom. Their opponents hope that Rinne plays another ten years.
did u know: carrie underwood
Robb Quotient: 0.0
BLUES (CHAMPIONS)(STANLEY CUP WINNERS)(WORLD MASTERS)(NO LONGER CHUMPS)(CHAMPIONS OF THE DOWNTRODDEN)(LIGHT OF THE HOPELESS)(SLAYERS OF THE GREAT EVIL)
Who gives a fuck how they do this year, this shit is all gravy. I hope they all got Stanley Cup tattoos on their dicks and spend the whole season getting hammered. Just kidding, they'll be in contention then give up and finish ninth :) If they make the playoffs again, Brett Hull might not survive.
did u know: the blues are the first team to win a championship using the patented Dual Robb Method TM, clogging toilets and clogging slots simultaneously.
Robb Quotient: 2.0 (MASSIVE)
JETS
The prophecy failed. Discord reigns in southern Manitoba. Maurice hangs on by a thread, as Patrik Laine flexes his economic muscle. What portends for the Jets? Can they make a run deep into the playoffs? Or will their engines sputter? A lot rides on their now Trouba-less defense, and the hopes for a rebound for sophomore slumper Laine.
did u know: byfuglien is wavering.
Robb Quotient: 0.0
SPECIFIC
DUCKS
Unwatcheable due to their vomit jerseys, noone really knows how the Ducks fared last season. They may have even won the cup, with no witnesses due to their hideousness. Kesler is done and gone, and Getzlaf's game has finally caught up to his hairline. It's unclear where the Ducks will or should go, but we can only hope it is down.
did u know: in the afterlife, paul kariya will get to elbow scott stevens' bigtoe-looking head.
Robb Quotient: 0.0
COYOTES
Some exciting young men are furring it up in the desert for the Coyotes. Clayton Keller.
did u know: of course you didn't it's the coyotes.
CORRECTION: Gallychennik has gone to the Penguins, to be rebirthed in the famed Crosby-Malkin Placenta Chamber.
0.0
FLAMES
They were on top, flying high, but something happened, and then they were extinguished. They have the best jerseys in the history of sports, yet they just can't seem to not cover them in shit in the playoffs. If Johnny Gaudreau doesn't want to be remembered as Johnny Golfy, he needs to haul his team deep into the playoffs.
did u know: some call it calgary, some call it cal-gary, like two first names compounded.
Robb Quotient: 0.0
OILERS
It's hard to even insult the Oilers since they are so eager to do it themselves. The greatest young player since Crosby and Ovechkin is theirs and yet they seem determined to waste his time and talent. The Oilers need to strike a resevoir of success soon, or go bust for another couple of decades.
did u know: the oilers' team strategy is unsustainable. they just don't have the pipeline to keep their team competitive. their resources are finite and they're burning through them at an alarming rate.
0.0
KINGS
A callow, sunken captain looks out over a fallen empire. Anze Kopitar, rich in his "more money than he should get at that age" contract, sees the castle crumble around him. The kneecap tributes offered by conquered captain Dustin Brown can no longer sustain the populace. Famine lies ahead, and cocaine. Oceans of cocaine, and Kings players surfing the point break like Bodhi.
did u know: the kings roster is actually a work-release program.
Robb Quotient: 0.0
SHARKS
*cue banana peel* The Sharks got Erik Karlsson, but his perpetually-torn groin limited their playoff run last season. They lost Joe "Tipmeister" Pavelski to Dallas, and now Logan Couture takes up the totally-not-cursed captaincy of the Hurtfish. They should be good again, especially if Karlbae finally got his dingus base sewn back together.
did u know: announcers had an annoying penchant for always saying owen nolan's entire name. never "nolan scores from center ice on turek," always "owen nolan scores from center ice on turek." this was immensely frustrating to listen to. almost as frustrating as watching roman turek.
Robb Quotient: 0.0
CANUCKS
They flew to close to the sun, and they are still melting. But new feathered flyboys are rising high: Brock Boeser, who pronounces his name incorrectly, and Elias Pettersson, who may be the slenderest person to ever risk their bones in the NHL. Their biggest enemy is their dingus ownership and their dungus of a GM, a dangerous combination.
did u know: a curse was placed on the canucks when they hit that partition and beat the sharks in overtime to end that series. they can only lift it by baiting the sharks into doing the same to them.
Robb Quotient: 0.0
GOLDEN KNIGHTS
Welcome to the first-round loss club! It's healthy to get your franchise chokes in early, trust me. This way, you can focus on different forms of mediocrity and disappointment in the coming seasons.
did u know: there's something about being named karlsson that gives you great hair.
Robb Quotient: 0.0
True goodguy and true person Fubar is running this year's NHL Era fantasy league. He is a commisioner of high virtue, although not of digestible fandom.
Join us in our alternate zone on discord. Quote this post for the secret entry credentials.
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