Injuries. Setbacks. Losses. Doubt. Despair. Overcoming. Here in Lord Stanley's silver crucible, only one team can redeem the past season's hardships and claim the greatest trophy in sports. Does your team have what it takes? Can they summon from deep within their icy plums the surging froth of willpower necessary to be the last fighter breathing? Standing in their way are incompetent refs, mean opposing fans, bitchmade twitter journalists, and the bruised yet pulsating flesh of their frenzied enemies. Let them sharpen their wills like skate blades, let them sniff destiny like smelling salts, let drink of the moment like backwashed gatorade. Let them fight!
(click select screen for first round schedule)
MATCHUPS
COLUMBUS SPECIAL OCCASIONS VS TAMPA BAY LECTRICS
What's at stake: The Lectrics are out to prove they are the real deal. Tying the NHL record for wins in a season, shared with the illegitimate 1995-1996 Red Wings, the Shockbolts were dominant in the regular season. With such success comes pressure. Can they go all the way and fulfill the legacy of Lecavalier? Or will Steven "True Leaf" Stamkos once again keep his team behind the curtain? The legacy of the current generation of Lectric players is at stake.
Pierre's Player to Watch: Folks, keep an eye on Dorchester Ontario's own Boone Jenner when he's on the ice. He's going to be INVOLVED: forecheck, backcheck, powerplay, penalty kill, he does it all for the Columbus Blue Jackets. And he's been doing it all for a long time! Ever since his days with the Oshawa Generals under Chris DiPiero and Gary Agnew. He's going to be a FORCE in this series, Edzo.
CAROLINA WINDSTORMS VS WASHINGTON MAINCITIES
What's at stake: After drinking themselves into the stoneage following last year's victory, the Maincities have little to prove. They finally overcame the hump, and bearded heroman Alexander Ovechkin has joined the ranks of the world's greatest scorers, an injunction from the Concerned Fanboys of Mario Lemieux aside. Can they perform again and double their greatness? Or will their play smell like their Bud Light-ridden jizzvomit? History waits to decide.
Pierre's Player to Watch: Warren Foegele. Keep an eye on this kid, Edzo. He tore it up with St. Andrew's College, leading them to a CISAA championship, and now he's looking to help the Hurricanes to a Stanley Cup championship. This kid is DYNAMIC. Look for him on the rush and coming off changes, making a huge impact.
TORONNA FOLIAGE VS BAHSTON BEARS
What's at stake: The Leafs rebuild is complete, and coach Mike Babcock needs a series win if his team's future isn't to go limp. Meanwhile, the perpetually aging Bruins may soon be on borrowed time, as Patrice Bergeron nears his twilight years and rodent physiology finally catches up to Bradley Marchand.
Pierre's Player to Watch: Chris Wagner, boy he is a COMPETITOR! Ever since his days with the South Shore Kings in the EJHL under coach Scott Harlow, he's been competing and competing and competing. Lemme tell ya, Chris Wagner knows what it takes to win, and he wants this BAD. Look for him to be a SPARK for the Bruins in this series Edzo.
PITTSBURG FISHBIRDS VS NEW YORK COMMUTERS
What's at stake: With the triumphant victory of one of their archrivals, the Maincities, a victory which went through their feeble team last season, the Fishbirds will be desperately and compulsively seeking to reassert themselves as sole proprietors of hockey greatness. Meanwhile, the Commuters, spurned by their hot ex, will be hungry to prove that they never needed him and they are better off without him, having hit the gym and found someone younger.
Pierre's Player to Watch: Don't lose sight of Mathew Barzal, Edzo. This young man is an absolute STAR. From Coquitlam, British Columbia, he's succeeded at EVERY LEVEL. Peewee, WHL with the Seattle Thunderbirds, WJC with Canada, and now looking to add some NHL HARDWARE to that resume. He has the skill, he has the speed, he has the vision and the IQ. He's looking to make these playoffs HIS. And there's big shoes to fill, following Jonathan Tavares, Edzo. But he's up to it!
COLORADO SNOWQUAKES VS CAL GARY FIRES
What's at stake: There is a war raging. Unseen by those in the States and Eastern Canada, a Civil War has erupted along the Alberta/British Columbia border. Many thought the conflagration to have died down with the mediocrity of the Vancouver Canucks, but in the hearts of every Albertan, nothing is over, not until a firm line of coax runs straight from their CRTs into the Stanley Cup itself!
Pierre's Player to Watch: TWO WORDS: Sean. Monahan. This kid has hockey in his bones, Edzo. Going all the way back to his days leading the Mississauga Rebels to an OHL Cup! He's got the skill, he's got the consistency, and most importantly, he's got the HEART! Look for him to have a big impact on this series going forward.
DALLAS GASGIANTS VS NASHVILLE HUNTCATS
What's at stake: The Preds have made huge investments over the past years, bringing in P.K. Subban, Kyle Turris, and Ryan Johansen. 2nd Worst Global Haircut title holder Peter Laviolette will be feeling pressure to return to the finals and live up to this team's potential. Lining up against them, the luminescence of the Stars has waned in the last few years due to goalie instability and Hitchcock's Haunting. They'll be hoping to put some solar heat on Nashville in this series.
Pierre's Player to Watch: Do not take your eyes off of #3 in green, John Klingberg, out of Gothenburg, Sweden. Edzo, this guy does it all for the Stars. He drives offense, he anchors defense, and he's an emerging voice in THE ROOM. Look for him to have a BIG impact if the Stars are going to be successful in this series. He just does so much for them, Peter Laviolette will have him as a TOP priority for Nashville to be aware of.
SAN JOSE HURTFISH VS SIN CITY PALADINS
What's at stake: After finally escaping the cloistered tower of the villainous Eugene Melnyck, gorgeous hockey Rapunzel Erik Karlsson will be eager to stick it to his old captor. Across the glass, Gerard Gallant and his gallant Urine Warriors will be desperate to prove that last year's finals run was not just a piss take.
Pierre's Player to Watch: Listen here, Edzo. This series is ripe to be DOMINATED by William Carrier, out of LaSalle, Quebec. He flew high with the Screaming Eagles of Lake Breton in the QMJHL, and he's ready to fly high again in this series. Look for him to be TENACIOUS on the puck and on the forecheck.
ST LOUIS MUSICFORMS VS WINNEPEG FASTPLANES
What's at stake: What is more powerful: an irresistible force? Or an unmovable object? The Blues are the oldest franchise to have never won a Stanley Cup, and they have not contended for it since 1970, back when our grandparents were still fucking. Meanwhile, the Jets bear the burden of the great Hockey News Prophecy, chosen to win the Cup in 2019. Can they live up to the hype? When there's only one obstruction to go around, who has the greater will to choke? Scholars debate.
Pierre's Player to Watch: I've got a special eye on David Perrrrrrrrrron, native of Sherbrooke, Quebec. This is his third time around with St. Louis. He won the President's Cup with Lewiston Maneiacs under Clem Jodoin, and last year he was an INSTRUMENTAL part of the Golden Knight's run to the finals. I expect him to bring leadership and experience to a team that is just rolling since the new year.
The playoffs are a time of shifting allegiances and fragile truces, as despair and resentment drive us to shop our support around like mercenaries with a grudge. Here are your Spring loyalties, but beware: they are fleeting! @me with your allegiance, and I will list you here.
Washington Capitals: Solo (Captain)
Carolina Hurricanes: Syrinx (Captain)
Pittsburgh Penguins: CyrilFiggis (Captain), Rivenblade, HulkMansfield
St. Louis Blues: Ondor (Captain)
If your favorite team or your favorite team to hate was not lucky enought to enter into this glorious tournament, please join us in the offseason OT. Click the image!
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