NYPD on Twitter: "We regret to inform that Desmond Amofah aka Etika has been found deceased." (See guidelines before posting)

KSweeley

Community Resettler
Member
Oct 25, 2017
3,072
Baltimore, Maryland, USA
I am very glad to see a open, honest and good faith discussion regarding mental health ongoing in this thread.

In my opinion, it is this type of discussion that needs to occur to eliminate the stigma mental health has.

In terms of mental health, I've experienced depression as a result of Asperger's Syndrome, fortunately, I had a very good support network with my mom as a mental health professional and friends who were always there and listened to me when I needed to get stuff out in the open. I fully understand that not everyone has a great support network which needs to change.

I'm glad that ResetERA has become a support network for many who has mental health struggles and would like to thank everyone who are confident enough to open up and share their struggles with everyone else here on ERA.
 

Ketkat

Heart & Mind
Member
Oct 25, 2017
3,760
No i did not mean that, i will try to find a better English words to bring across what i mean. I am not asshole that will try to tell someone with mental issues that they just need to man up. Mu English is pretty good, but sometimes it is difficult to find the right words with such emotional subjects. My post was from my feelings and it seems sometimes the words don't come across that well.
I would appreciate it if you could try and clarify that a little better as it really does read like you're saying that you would say that to someone who was struggling with depression or any other mental illness. Even if someone thinks that is a well meaning statement to make, it is an incredibly hurtful one to hear because it really does diminish the realities of what we're going through and just how much we're struggling to stay strong every day.

You probably don't know me, but I'm a transwoman who grew up in a small town in the state of Georgia. It was a very conservative place that made me feel unsafe to be who I was on a consistent basis. However, I managed to carve out a friend group during that time that I felt were more liberal, more accepting, and hopefully more understanding of the struggles that everyone goes through. There were many times that I would take a look at how society treats trans people, how I felt about myself and my own body, with a sprinkle of sexual harassment and assault in High School and felt that things were hopeless. It's hard to explain just how much it hurts to see the whole world despise you for just existing, but these feelings would often make me suicidal. There were times that I would try to open up to people in my friend group about these feelings, and I was met with some of the statements I mentioned before.

"Just man up"
"If you were serious about this, you would have done it instead of talking to us"
"Just do it already then"

I took the time to open up about serious traumas in my life, my fears about the future and present, and the horrors that I went through all in a place where I was already uncomfortable just existing only to be met with those responses when I desperately needed support. Those responses hurt because they make us feel like the people that we're opening up to are taking our feelings when we're in a vulnerable moment and just throwing them back in our face and saying that they don't matter. That we're weak. That we need to just be strong like everyone else. After I got these responses a couple of times, I just stopped reaching out for help because it was painful to get responses like this from people I trusted and I also didn't want to be a burden on them when I could tell it was bothering them.

A couple of years after I graduated from High School, I was a lot like Etika was here. I wasn't some famous Youtube with an audience, but I was self destructive and desperate to push people away so that they couldn't hurt me. The feelings that I had in High School never subsided because I felt I couldn't talk about them, and only compounded as I became more and more isolated. There were a lot of nights where I would have a knife held to my wrist and sit there for hours struggling between going through with or not, but thankfully I never did. I have largely moved past those feelings now thanks to some wonderful people I met in this community, but it took years of bouncing between communities and suffering because of comments like those and the lack of anyone to talk to about what was going on.

I don't know if people saying "Just man up" really have any negative intentions or not, but it is incredibly hurtful to see and I really hope that you don't say that to others if someone opens up to you. You may never know the full story of what someone is going through, but a lot of people who are struggling with mental health have been suffering for a long time and they aren't failing to get better because they're weak, or not manly, or anything like that. But simply because we do a poor job of providing positive avenues for people to find help
 

Abominuz

Member
Oct 29, 2017
696
Netherlands
By all accounts your life has been more rough than mine, so let’s have a conversation about it. Here’s where I was, and why you would have told me to man the fuck up:


I can tell you that “man the fuck up” was a common sentiment whenever I showed even the slightest crack of emotion, of which was a splash on the surface. I can tell you that that phrase has contributed towards strong feeling of self-hatred and confusion surrounding my own identity that have only been laid to rest these past few months, over a decade later. I can tell you that the suggestion that you shouldn’t admit weakness or fault has led to deep-seated anxiety issues that led to 16-hour long panic attacks, ambulance rides and numerous collapses well over a decade later.

I can tell you that when I was told to man the fuck up, I took that to mean I should either kill myself or quit whining.
I am sorry for my wording, i did mean it to come across that way. It was something i told my self and how i pulled strength out of myself, like the hyping up before a sports game. The feeling to be strong enough to conquer this world and that nothing or nobody will bring me down including my own thoughts. I meant it like that, it seems some took it the wrong way.

I am glad you are still around and i can say with good faith, your future kids will be glad to have you! I can not phantom to think what i would have missed if i went to a bad place so many years ago. Thanks for sharing your story.
 

Anteo

Member
Oct 25, 2017
2,012
I am sorry for my wording, i did mean it to come across that way. It was something i told my self and how i pulled strength out of myself, like the hyping up before a sports game. The feeling to be strong enough to conquer this world and that nothing or nobody will bring me down including my own thoughts. I meant it like that, it seems some took it the wrong way.

I am glad you are still around and i can say with good faith, your future kids will be glad to have you! I can not phantom to think what i would have missed if i went to a bad place so many years ago. Thanks for sharing your story.
I understand what you are saying. My father is like that, even when on his worst he always had the will to fight. In my case, I've been on both sides I guess... There are times where I've had that will even when I felt worse than ever and I can undestand what you are saying. But also, in other times I've felt like just.. why bother trying.. just give up. And when your mind gets into that mindset, you can no longer think clearly, your thought process of "keep fighting" doenst work anymore, it doenst even cross your mind. Imagine trying to deal with anything that happened to you but without being allowed to think like that..
 

Abominuz

Member
Oct 29, 2017
696
Netherlands
I would appreciate it if you could try and clarify that a little better as it really does read like you're saying that you would say that to someone who was struggling with depression or any other mental illness. Even if someone thinks that is a well meaning statement to make, it is an incredibly hurtful one to hear because it really does diminish the realities of what we're going through and just how much we're struggling to stay strong every day.

You probably don't know me, but I'm a transwoman who grew up in a small town in the state of Georgia. It was a very conservative place that made me feel unsafe to be who I was on a consistent basis. However, I managed to carve out a friend group during that time that I felt were more liberal, more accepting, and hopefully more understanding of the struggles that everyone goes through. There were many times that I would take a look at how society treats trans people, how I felt about myself and my own body, with a sprinkle of sexual harassment and assault in High School and felt that things were hopeless. It's hard to explain just how much it hurts to see the whole world despise you for just existing, but these feelings would often make me suicidal. There were times that I would try to open up to people in my friend group about these feelings, and I was met with some of the statements I mentioned before.

"Just man up"
"If you were serious about this, you would have done it instead of talking to us"
"Just do it already then"

I took the time to open up about serious traumas in my life, my fears about the future and present, and the horrors that I went through all in a place where I was already uncomfortable just existing only to be met with those responses when I desperately needed support. Those responses hurt because they make us feel like the people that we're opening up to are taking our feelings when we're in a vulnerable moment and just throwing them back in our face and saying that they don't matter. That we're weak. That we need to just be strong like everyone else. After I got these responses a couple of times, I just stopped reaching out for help because it was painful to get responses like this from people I trusted and I also didn't want to be a burden on them when I could tell it was bothering them.

A couple of years after I graduated from High School, I was a lot like Etika was here. I wasn't some famous Youtube with an audience, but I was self destructive and desperate to push people away so that they couldn't hurt me. The feelings that I had in High School never subsided because I felt I couldn't talk about them, and only compounded as I became more and more isolated. There were a lot of nights where I would have a knife held to my wrist and sit there for hours struggling between going through with or not, but thankfully I never did. I have largely moved past those feelings now thanks to some wonderful people I met in this community, but it took years of bouncing between communities and suffering because of comments like those and the lack of anyone to talk to about what was going on.

I don't know if people saying "Just man up" really have any negative intentions or not, but it is incredibly hurtful to see and I really hope that you don't say that to others if someone opens up to you. You may never know the full story of what someone is going through, but a lot of people who are struggling with mental health have been suffering for a long time and they aren't failing to get better because they're weak, or not manly, or anything like that. But simply because we do a poor job of providing positive avenues for people to find help

It was a bad choice of words to get across a feeling. I would never say something like that, when i need to convey an emotion or experiences it is difficult to find to words. You don't know me personally, so i cant expect you to believe me. All that i can say is i am sorry, the last thing i wanted is to offend anyone.
 

SilverX

Member
Jan 21, 2018
2,662
I was banned in the other thread for wrongfully blurting out that etika wasn't worthy of empathy since all I could think about was the negative reports of the things he said and did. In fact, that was all I was exposed to when it came to him. I didn't watch his content and didn't follow his struggles. The way I knew of him was from sources that were trying to tear him down, and well that easily became my opinion too since many things I read were upsetting to me.

He never seemed mentally ill though from the distance I was seeing him at. I just saw him as excruciatingly immature to the point where I thought he was a stunted Youtuber looking for any attention and not aware of how he was impacting others in his worse moments. And also as nothing more than a character he plays known as "etika" .... which made it hard to see him as the actual person, Desmond, that was burning himself to the ground as a cry for help. So many of us made this mistake and I really wish I could have seen through him to know he was actually a good guy going through an inner struggle.

Hearing about his death was very sad and I regret the negative feelings I had towards him when he was alive. I knew little about him, but social media makes it that you know just enough about the person to hate them if nothing else. I'm really sorry I fell into that cycle of thinking with etika, who needed help and ended up being taken by such negativity. But I'm going to be better towards others in these situations, I just hope his suicide reached others to change them in the same.
 

NoName999

Member
Oct 29, 2017
3,460
What!? It was a post at an attempt to learn from people who have experienced mental health issues. How fucking dare you label me a "bad faith arguer" because I don't think a person should be banned for trying to understand people like ME a little bit better. No one is defending the term Man Up, in fact we're universally against that term, we're defending his right to ask a genuine question in a civil environment. You are the worst kind of person to try and defend MY plight. Piss off.

Edit: Perhaps posting about Civil Environments, while letting that anger out is a bit much! lol
YOUR plight? Telling me to piss off because I don't understand?

I have social avoidance anxiety, you jerk. So don't act like you're talking to someone trying act woke.

You think he shouldn't be banned? Fine whatever. I think it was justifiable because I've heard it all before. Those who usually say man up usually aren't willing to learn. And I'm not gonna ruin my mind to see who's sincere and learning and who isn't.

Also so much for asking for sympathy only to tell someone else to piss off.
 

Wamb0wneD

Member
Oct 26, 2017
13,852
I was banned in the other thread for wrongfully blurting out that etika wasn't worthy of empathy since all I could think about was the negative reports of the things he said and did. In fact, that was all I was exposed to when it came to him. I didn't watch his content and didn't follow his struggles. The way I knew of him was from sources that were trying to tear him down, and well that easily became my opinion too since many things I read were upsetting to me.

He never seemed mentally ill though from the distance I was seeing him at. I just saw him as excruciatingly immature to the point where I thought he was a stunted Youtuber looking for any attention and not aware of how he was impacting others in his worse moments. And also as nothing more than a character he plays known as "etika" .... which made it hard to see him as the actual person, Desmond, that was burning himself to the ground as a cry for help. So many of us made this mistake and I really wish I could have seen through him to know he was actually a good guy going through an inner struggle.

Hearing about his death was very sad and I regret the negative feelings I had towards him when he was alive. I knew little about him, but social media makes it that you know just enough about the person to hate them if nothing else. I'm really sorry I fell into that cycle of thinking with etika, who needed help and ended up being taken by such negativity. But I'm going to be better towards others in these situations, I just hope his suicide reached others to change them in the same.
Thank you for this. People owning up to their mistakes is something that is way too rare. On Era as well.
 

-PXG-

Member
Oct 25, 2017
5,135
NJ
I literally cried this morning. This hits close to home. Being a black man, society expects you to not show any sign of vulnerability or mental instability. I know what it's like to deal with depression and self hatred.

I watched his final video too...

Rest in peace
 
Oct 25, 2017
1,272
People jumping to the defense of that post need to realize that if you want to talk about mental health, you can't be that insensitive.
Dude had a lot to say and got banned (now rescinded, fair enough) almost straight away because of a buzz phrase. It's an unhelpful one for sure, but it being like a red rag to a bull and worthy of a straight up ban? Not for me. People are allowed to be hurt, to not like the phrase, entirely understandable. But that kind of outright dismissing everything and being hostile because of problematic things is why the original etika thread was such a mess in the first place.
 

Radeo

Member
Apr 26, 2019
724
I was banned in the other thread for wrongfully blurting out that etika wasn't worthy of empathy since all I could think about was the negative reports of the things he said and did. In fact, that was all I was exposed to when it came to him. I didn't watch his content and didn't follow his struggles. The way I knew of him was from sources that were trying to tear him down, and well that easily became my opinion too since many things I read were upsetting to me.

He never seemed mentally ill though from the distance I was seeing him at. I just saw him as excruciatingly immature to the point where I thought he was a stunted Youtuber looking for any attention and not aware of how he was impacting others in his worse moments. And also as nothing more than a character he plays known as "etika" .... which made it hard to see him as the actual person, Desmond, that was burning himself to the ground as a cry for help. So many of us made this mistake and I really wish I could have seen through him to know he was actually a good guy going through an inner struggle.

Hearing about his death was very sad and I regret the negative feelings I had towards him when he was alive. I knew little about him, but social media makes it that you know just enough about the person to hate them if nothing else. I'm really sorry I fell into that cycle of thinking with etika, who needed help and ended up being taken by such negativity. But I'm going to be better towards others in these situations, I just hope his suicide reached others to change them in the same.
People like to use "attention-seeking" as a derogatory term when it really shouldn't be.

Thanks for owning your mistakes
 

Nothing Loud

Member
Oct 25, 2017
3,118
Trigger warnings: depression, suicide, suicidal thoughts, sexual abuse, rape, detailing of wounds.

-----

I had hoped to make this post sooner but was unable to. This rips through me, feels incredibly close to home and heartbreaking. I'm not sure how much I'll share but some of this stuff is only known by singular people in my personal life, but it could be important for members here right now. It might be rambling in parts but hopefully some might relate to elements of it.

I'll start by echoing a post of mine in an Etika thread before this:

Which sounds harsh, but hopefully everyone can now understand the severity with which we're talking. There should be no tolerance for it, it's disgusting and it costs lives.

I have been both the person suffering, and have tried to help others who suffer.

If you're any age and can relate to Etika's last video, general desperation or find yourself apart from the world drifting – it gets better. It can, it will, it does.

I wish I could show you how far down the well I was, so you understood the tears with which this ink is mixed. I've been to the top of multi-story car parks and stood on the edge, I've sat under trees in the forest crying wondering which I might hang from soon. Every week I drive over a bridge well-known for suicides and every time I do there's still a glint within me that asks if the world would be better if I did. I don't think it ever leaves you, but now I have a list of things that pop up when I think that, reasons to stay alive. Some days that list is shorter than others, but it's always there now and a number of those items are strong enough to where I don't have to worry any more. Which is why it is so important to me that you understand that it can get better, because there were many times where I didn't have that list in the road until now.

During my time at secondary school (ages 11-16) I was both sexually abused at the start, and I was bullied on a daily basis for close to four of the years. My offense was that I was born with ginger hair and needed glasses. Mix that with being pretty shy and coming off the back of everything sexual abuse brings, and I was a prime vector of attack. We're talking being spat on, kicked between the legs, pushed down flights of metal stairs, poled on the bus, punched, kicked, whatever. Every day of school, for years. Several occasions I was threatened with knives. Nothing happened to the bullies because "boys will be boys" and because it wasn't racially motivated.

So I grew up with an irreconcilable level of self-hatred, shame, guilt and a strong perception that the issue was me. After all, I was being broken on a daily basis purely for features of my body I was unable to change. It wasn't immediate, it wasn't overnight but with time that settled and it settled deep. I became an incredible liar and – as with many people suffering from depression – managed to perfect the wearing of masks. Every day I went home and smiled at my parents, said all was fine before going upstairs and breaking down into the pillows. Occasionally I couldn't make it to the bedroom before that, and my parents would see a crack of what was happening. I'd summarily dismiss it as being solely whatever had managed to escape at the time, before going upstairs and wondering how I could get a gun in the UK to put to my head.

---------
Trigger warnings: depression, suicide, suicidal thoughts, sexual abuse, rape, detailing of wounds.
---------

Which is another thing: suicide isn't taken seriously until it's committed to.

Unsuccessful suicide attempts are well known as being disregarded as attention seeking (for which I'll let the irony escape for now) but there's a further subset to where if you've only considered it but taken no action toward it then you really aren't being serious. Which needs to be challenged. Thinking of ending your own life isn't a simple one. People might want to die but few want to die in agony. This is about not living, not dying itself. If you jump from a bridge you risk tearing your body apart but surviving and living life crippled with zero ability. Pills are simple but seem horrific in their action except when coupled with alcohol, but again – you read too many stories about people surviving and coming too in the hospital having fucked their organs. A jump off of a tall building seems like the best way to go but the duration of the fall means you could regret it and be unable to reverse the decision, the same is true of hanging and bleeding out. A gun seems like the easy solution but then how do you find out how to do it well, because if you botch that then you're back with the above. Trains are the immediate solution but then you're impacting another, random, person with your already-waste-of-space life. I have spent a lot of time considering these things in the past.

This is what suicidal thoughts entertain, and it turns out that the human body is quite resilient. That dying is scary even when suicidal and that it's not a case of walking into the local supermarket and picking up the cheapest "erase me" kit. If you're not taking suicidal thoughts seriously before they become actions, then you need to change your mentality. There is no bar that people have to hit before they're "actually suicidal", and any of those barriers could crumble if a signfiicant additional blow is dealt to them in life.

Depression is your mind working against you

Why didn't they seek help? Why did they refuse help? Why did they just push people away that were trying to help? All of these show a massive ignorance towards what depression is like, and that's ok. We need to educate people, and mental illness is a conversation that has long been taboo. So ignorance is expected, but you have to be able to put aside your affront and recognise it's nothing compared to the inner turmoil the person is going through. Depression isn't logical and trying to approach it like it is won't help. When someone can't conceive their own self worth it's near impossible to believe that others can. Depression is your mind telling you that you deserve to feel this way. Depression is your mind telling you that help can only ever be temporary because you're the problem. Depression is your mind telling you to jump, because it's the only way to ensure nothing continues. It is your mind doubting every solution and labouring every negative, it is you telling you to kill yourself. It is the insidious trickery that forces you to live under that weight.

Thankfully I learned to break from it, and you can too. Councilling helps. Talking to people complete disconnected from your life helps.

When I was 16 I placed a bet with my friend at the time for £10 that I wouldn't live until 30. I couldn't see it. I was scraping by day by day purely for others and I couldn't conceive of a happy life so far into the future. It wasn't even dramatic, it was just a certainty to me.

Now I'm two months into being 30, and it's not been an easy road but I have that list and I love it. I have reasons to live outside of dependencies, I have things I love about life. I want to see, I want to travel, I want to experience. I'm in a good job, with a loving partner, in our own home. I live in a beautiful part of the country. We're getting a dog this year, and plan to get married and have children.

However none of that is what turned it around. I am not alive because of my SO (though she has been intrumental in her support of things I've shared). I am not alive because of my job. I am not alive because I have a nice house and money. These are all reasons I enjoy life, but they aren't what saved me. I am what saved me, and you are what will save you. Every day is a win. Every breath is a win. Every time you push those thoughts down enough to continue, it's a win. Every time you crack a little off the shell to let people know how you feel, is a win.

---------
Trigger warnings: depression, suicide, suicidal thoughts, sexual abuse, rape, detailing of wounds.
---------

Perspective is what allows you to win, and it's what depression robs you of.

Talk to people who know nothing about you. Tell them. Be kind to yourself. Death is final and not going anywhere, so pushing through another day to see what it brings is an overwhelming success. Keep doing that and you will climb out of that well. Even if it seems like there's no footholds, they will come. You'll never lose the memory of being in it, but it's that that will give you the strength to resist it whenever it whispers to you. You just need to keep winning long enough to realise that you and that voice inside your head are not the same, and that you are the greater of the two.

Not everyone gets to that stage though.

Every time I think about this I cry. Every time I talk about it my voice cracks. Every time I feel an immense hole in my heart. It's been 13 years and I can still feel the warmth of the blood on my hands. This is about an incredible woman I once knew, who we'll call Amy here. Amy had been my friend for years and had supported me throughout. Though I could never appreciate it at the time, and only later gained the perspective to do so fully, she was intstrumental in my own survival. She was gentle and warm person but prone to the 'bad lads'. She was also extremely attractive which meant the bad lads went for her, and it meant a ridiculous amount in her acknowledgement of me at the time. She came from an abusive home and was truly a diamond in the rough, so she empathised with a lot of the hurt I was going through and never shied away from spending time with me when her peers would reject me.

Over the years she grew less confident and more timid. She was raped by a boyfriend, abused by another and constantly found herself only in relationships where she was little more than a plaque to her partner. I helped where I could but she withdrew signficantly over time. She started to self-harm, drink excessively and other things that numbed her pain. It killed me to see, but it was impossible to break when I lived miles away and she kept going home to an environment that wasn't safe and detrimental to her health.

One day at 9:37pm I received a text message. I'll never forget the words:

I'm scared. I'm alone. I've messed up. I don't know what to do :( help.

She didn't reply to the next one and I knew this wasn't a joke. I threw myself down the stairs and into the car and drove as fast as I could to where she was staying. No answer on the front door, so I hopped the fence and ran to the back which was open. I called out her name, nothing. I ran upstairs and I saw it. Red drips on the landing, red smears on the walls. I went into the bathroom and crumpled on there she was. Unnaturally white, blood everywhere and crumpled on the floor. I took off my shirt and jumper and did what I could to wrap her arms and stem the flow but I knew fucking zero about first aid. I held her, I screamed out into the street, I softly brushed her hair as she faded slumped against me, waiting for the ambulance. I couldn't save her.

I adored her. I still do. She would have been 30 like me this year, and she would have been the most amazing woman. She would have been the most loving mother, and she could have done so much good for the world.

She can't though, and it tears through me. I know that many people she reached out to for help didn't take it seriously, and I had to stand next to many at the funeral. She was mocked for it, she was called weak and an attention seeker. She was none of them.

---------
Trigger warnings: depression, suicide, suicidal thoughts, sexual abuse, rape, detailing of wounds.
---------

So I literally beg of anyone to never hand-wave people that are coming out as being suicidal. Berid yourself of any personal bar of "seriousness" that a person has to hit before you take suggestions of suicide seriously, and make sure that every single one of your friends knows that you're there for them. Not in an unspoken way, say that shit to them. Tell them that if they ever feel down that you're there to talk to, regardless of how small or large it might be.

Suicide is still such a hush-subject that people – myself included – still can't openly talk about it even when we're not considering it, because of the baggage it brings. I can't tell anyone in my life chunks of the above currently. It would scare them, because they don't understand mental illness and have thankfully never suffered from it. Today I have to tone down the depression I experienced for the comfort of others, as were I to tell anyone close to me the knowledge that I once very much considered ending my life would apply a veneer instabilty that is neither accurate nor warranted.

This is not healthy. We must become much, much more accepting of suicide as a topic of conversation and as something people deal with. Otherwise we're all awkward on it until another person dies, and that's a horrific way to keep a conversation active. People need to start challenging their own preconceptions about it, need to start realising that suicidal people are people and that in each case you have an opportunity to help and an opportunity to harm.

It doesn't matter if it's a mocking comment on a forum that another depressed user might read or otherwise, it has an impact. It affects the way we, as a whole, treat suicide and it affects the avenues of help people have to survive using. If you find yourself willing to gamble over the life and death of people in misery, purely to throw a meme or a joke in, then you seriously need to reflect on that for a bit.
Thank you for sharing this. I relate to it a lot.

You’re right, people need to stop shaming suicidal thoughts or people and saying “well, it’s not serious until you ACTUALLY try to take your own life.” That just leads to suicidal people becoming more isolated and more tempted and shamed by their thoughts.
 

Deleted member 32374

User requested account closure
Banned
Nov 10, 2017
8,458
I didnt know him, anything, never saw his videos but 29 is far too young. It is old enough to have experienced the struggle and without support mental health problems would doom anyone, no matter how strong they think they are.

Fucking embarrassment the shit that has gone on in these threads, I ve been away, just catching up. Good on the people trying to close some humanity back into this discussion but I'd advise anyone suffering to not visit threads like this in the future and just stay to to safer places on Era. Mentally ill or disabled gamer? Don't bring it to gaming OT, ever. I'm livid.

Edit: Fuck you all who downplay mental health issues on era. FUCK. YOU. ALL. NOW. AND. FOREVER. You don't know SHIT shitstains.
 
Oct 25, 2017
2,100
Trigger warnings: depression, suicide, suicidal thoughts, sexual abuse, rape, detailing of wounds.

-----

I had hoped to make this post sooner but was unable to. This rips through me, feels incredibly close to home and heartbreaking. I'm not sure how much I'll share but some of this stuff is only known by singular people in my personal life, but it could be important for members here right now. It might be rambling in parts but hopefully some might relate to elements of it.

I'll start by echoing a post of mine in an Etika thread before this:

Which sounds harsh, but hopefully everyone can now understand the severity with which we're talking. There should be no tolerance for it, it's disgusting and it costs lives.

I have been both the person suffering, and have tried to help others who suffer.

If you're any age and can relate to Etika's last video, general desperation or find yourself apart from the world drifting – it gets better. It can, it will, it does.

I wish I could show you how far down the well I was, so you understood the tears with which this ink is mixed. I've been to the top of multi-story car parks and stood on the edge, I've sat under trees in the forest crying wondering which I might hang from soon. Every week I drive over a bridge well-known for suicides and every time I do there's still a glint within me that asks if the world would be better if I did. I don't think it ever leaves you, but now I have a list of things that pop up when I think that, reasons to stay alive. Some days that list is shorter than others, but it's always there now and a number of those items are strong enough to where I don't have to worry any more. Which is why it is so important to me that you understand that it can get better, because there were many times where I didn't have that list in the road until now.

During my time at secondary school (ages 11-16) I was both sexually abused at the start, and I was bullied on a daily basis for close to four of the years. My offense was that I was born with ginger hair and needed glasses. Mix that with being pretty shy and coming off the back of everything sexual abuse brings, and I was a prime vector of attack. We're talking being spat on, kicked between the legs, pushed down flights of metal stairs, poled on the bus, punched, kicked, whatever. Every day of school, for years. Several occasions I was threatened with knives. Nothing happened to the bullies because "boys will be boys" and because it wasn't racially motivated.

So I grew up with an irreconcilable level of self-hatred, shame, guilt and a strong perception that the issue was me. After all, I was being broken on a daily basis purely for features of my body I was unable to change. It wasn't immediate, it wasn't overnight but with time that settled and it settled deep. I became an incredible liar and – as with many people suffering from depression – managed to perfect the wearing of masks. Every day I went home and smiled at my parents, said all was fine before going upstairs and breaking down into the pillows. Occasionally I couldn't make it to the bedroom before that, and my parents would see a crack of what was happening. I'd summarily dismiss it as being solely whatever had managed to escape at the time, before going upstairs and wondering how I could get a gun in the UK to put to my head.

---------
Trigger warnings: depression, suicide, suicidal thoughts, sexual abuse, rape, detailing of wounds.
---------

Which is another thing: suicide isn't taken seriously until it's committed to.

Unsuccessful suicide attempts are well known as being disregarded as attention seeking (for which I'll let the irony escape for now) but there's a further subset to where if you've only considered it but taken no action toward it then you really aren't being serious. Which needs to be challenged. Thinking of ending your own life isn't a simple one. People might want to die but few want to die in agony. This is about not living, not dying itself. If you jump from a bridge you risk tearing your body apart but surviving and living life crippled with zero ability. Pills are simple but seem horrific in their action except when coupled with alcohol, but again – you read too many stories about people surviving and coming too in the hospital having fucked their organs. A jump off of a tall building seems like the best way to go but the duration of the fall means you could regret it and be unable to reverse the decision, the same is true of hanging and bleeding out. A gun seems like the easy solution but then how do you find out how to do it well, because if you botch that then you're back with the above. Trains are the immediate solution but then you're impacting another, random, person with your already-waste-of-space life. I have spent a lot of time considering these things in the past.

This is what suicidal thoughts entertain, and it turns out that the human body is quite resilient. That dying is scary even when suicidal and that it's not a case of walking into the local supermarket and picking up the cheapest "erase me" kit. If you're not taking suicidal thoughts seriously before they become actions, then you need to change your mentality. There is no bar that people have to hit before they're "actually suicidal", and any of those barriers could crumble if a signfiicant additional blow is dealt to them in life.

Depression is your mind working against you

Why didn't they seek help? Why did they refuse help? Why did they just push people away that were trying to help? All of these show a massive ignorance towards what depression is like, and that's ok. We need to educate people, and mental illness is a conversation that has long been taboo. So ignorance is expected, but you have to be able to put aside your affront and recognise it's nothing compared to the inner turmoil the person is going through. Depression isn't logical and trying to approach it like it is won't help. When someone can't conceive their own self worth it's near impossible to believe that others can. Depression is your mind telling you that you deserve to feel this way. Depression is your mind telling you that help can only ever be temporary because you're the problem. Depression is your mind telling you to jump, because it's the only way to ensure nothing continues. It is your mind doubting every solution and labouring every negative, it is you telling you to kill yourself. It is the insidious trickery that forces you to live under that weight.

Thankfully I learned to break from it, and you can too. Councilling helps. Talking to people complete disconnected from your life helps.

When I was 16 I placed a bet with my friend at the time for £10 that I wouldn't live until 30. I couldn't see it. I was scraping by day by day purely for others and I couldn't conceive of a happy life so far into the future. It wasn't even dramatic, it was just a certainty to me.

Now I'm two months into being 30, and it's not been an easy road but I have that list and I love it. I have reasons to live outside of dependencies, I have things I love about life. I want to see, I want to travel, I want to experience. I'm in a good job, with a loving partner, in our own home. I live in a beautiful part of the country. We're getting a dog this year, and plan to get married and have children.

However none of that is what turned it around. I am not alive because of my SO (though she has been intrumental in her support of things I've shared). I am not alive because of my job. I am not alive because I have a nice house and money. These are all reasons I enjoy life, but they aren't what saved me. I am what saved me, and you are what will save you. Every day is a win. Every breath is a win. Every time you push those thoughts down enough to continue, it's a win. Every time you crack a little off the shell to let people know how you feel, is a win.

---------
Trigger warnings: depression, suicide, suicidal thoughts, sexual abuse, rape, detailing of wounds.
---------

Perspective is what allows you to win, and it's what depression robs you of.

Talk to people who know nothing about you. Tell them. Be kind to yourself. Death is final and not going anywhere, so pushing through another day to see what it brings is an overwhelming success. Keep doing that and you will climb out of that well. Even if it seems like there's no footholds, they will come. You'll never lose the memory of being in it, but it's that that will give you the strength to resist it whenever it whispers to you. You just need to keep winning long enough to realise that you and that voice inside your head are not the same, and that you are the greater of the two.

Not everyone gets to that stage though.

Every time I think about this I cry. Every time I talk about it my voice cracks. Every time I feel an immense hole in my heart. It's been 13 years and I can still feel the warmth of the blood on my hands. This is about an incredible woman I once knew, who we'll call Amy here. Amy had been my friend for years and had supported me throughout. Though I could never appreciate it at the time, and only later gained the perspective to do so fully, she was intstrumental in my own survival. She was gentle and warm person but prone to the 'bad lads'. She was also extremely attractive which meant the bad lads went for her, and it meant a ridiculous amount in her acknowledgement of me at the time. She came from an abusive home and was truly a diamond in the rough, so she empathised with a lot of the hurt I was going through and never shied away from spending time with me when her peers would reject me.

Over the years she grew less confident and more timid. She was raped by a boyfriend, abused by another and constantly found herself only in relationships where she was little more than a plaque to her partner. I helped where I could but she withdrew signficantly over time. She started to self-harm, drink excessively and other things that numbed her pain. It killed me to see, but it was impossible to break when I lived miles away and she kept going home to an environment that wasn't safe and detrimental to her health.

One day at 9:37pm I received a text message. I'll never forget the words:

I'm scared. I'm alone. I've messed up. I don't know what to do :( help.

She didn't reply to the next one and I knew this wasn't a joke. I threw myself down the stairs and into the car and drove as fast as I could to where she was staying. No answer on the front door, so I hopped the fence and ran to the back which was open. I called out her name, nothing. I ran upstairs and I saw it. Red drips on the landing, red smears on the walls. I went into the bathroom and crumpled on there she was. Unnaturally white, blood everywhere and crumpled on the floor. I took off my shirt and jumper and did what I could to wrap her arms and stem the flow but I knew fucking zero about first aid. I held her, I screamed out into the street, I softly brushed her hair as she faded slumped against me, waiting for the ambulance. I couldn't save her.

I adored her. I still do. She would have been 30 like me this year, and she would have been the most amazing woman. She would have been the most loving mother, and she could have done so much good for the world.

She can't though, and it tears through me. I know that many people she reached out to for help didn't take it seriously, and I had to stand next to many at the funeral. She was mocked for it, she was called weak and an attention seeker. She was none of them.

---------
Trigger warnings: depression, suicide, suicidal thoughts, sexual abuse, rape, detailing of wounds.
---------

So I literally beg of anyone to never hand-wave people that are coming out as being suicidal. Berid yourself of any personal bar of "seriousness" that a person has to hit before you take suggestions of suicide seriously, and make sure that every single one of your friends knows that you're there for them. Not in an unspoken way, say that shit to them. Tell them that if they ever feel down that you're there to talk to, regardless of how small or large it might be.

Suicide is still such a hush-subject that people – myself included – still can't openly talk about it even when we're not considering it, because of the baggage it brings. I can't tell anyone in my life chunks of the above currently. It would scare them, because they don't understand mental illness and have thankfully never suffered from it. Today I have to tone down the depression I experienced for the comfort of others, as were I to tell anyone close to me the knowledge that I once very much considered ending my life would apply a veneer instabilty that is neither accurate nor warranted.

This is not healthy. We must become much, much more accepting of suicide as a topic of conversation and as something people deal with. Otherwise we're all awkward on it until another person dies, and that's a horrific way to keep a conversation active. People need to start challenging their own preconceptions about it, need to start realising that suicidal people are people and that in each case you have an opportunity to help and an opportunity to harm.

It doesn't matter if it's a mocking comment on a forum that another depressed user might read or otherwise, it has an impact. It affects the way we, as a whole, treat suicide and it affects the avenues of help people have to survive using. If you find yourself willing to gamble over the life and death of people in misery, purely to throw a meme or a joke in, then you seriously need to reflect on that for a bit.
Thank you for sharing this, it was incredibly brave to do so.
 

Nothing Loud

Member
Oct 25, 2017
3,118
I was banned in the other thread for wrongfully blurting out that etika wasn't worthy of empathy since all I could think about was the negative reports of the things he said and did. In fact, that was all I was exposed to when it came to him. I didn't watch his content and didn't follow his struggles. The way I knew of him was from sources that were trying to tear him down, and well that easily became my opinion too since many things I read were upsetting to me.

He never seemed mentally ill though from the distance I was seeing him at. I just saw him as excruciatingly immature to the point where I thought he was a stunted Youtuber looking for any attention and not aware of how he was impacting others in his worse moments. And also as nothing more than a character he plays known as "etika" .... which made it hard to see him as the actual person, Desmond, that was burning himself to the ground as a cry for help. So many of us made this mistake and I really wish I could have seen through him to know he was actually a good guy going through an inner struggle.

Hearing about his death was very sad and I regret the negative feelings I had towards him when he was alive. I knew little about him, but social media makes it that you know just enough about the person to hate them if nothing else. I'm really sorry I fell into that cycle of thinking with etika, who needed help and ended up being taken by such negativity. But I'm going to be better towards others in these situations, I just hope his suicide reached others to change them in the same.
The highlighted sentence is the big problem I have with ResetEra, Reddit, and these other big forum spaces. These are toxic communities because people create VERY decisive, extreme opinions of people they knew VERY little about. With people we know in real life, we often create nuance. For example, I love my mother, but there are also many things I have trouble forgiving her for (like her making my life miserable when I came out as gay). There is tremendous nuance and complexity in our relationship. I love her more than anything and yet she has caused me some of the biggest betrayal and pain in my life. Same with my spouse, I treasure him but he cheated on me 3 weeks into our relationship. Life and relationships are complex and nuanced.

On here you get none of that nuance. Someone reads an article where a YouTube celebrity says the “f___t” word in a manic episode and that person is now suddenly an evil, “canceled” person that needs to be mocked, hated, and labeled from then on. Almost 3 decades of life off the computer is not even able to be assessed properly. All that matters is the negative snapshots gobbled by the online channels. Even though using the f___t word is hateful and wrong, the internet and its gazing scrutiny has no time for nuance and complexity, it is instead immediately judgmental. One time I posted here that my dog doesn’t like going on walks, and I got called a dog abuser or not taking him out on walks multiple times a day. This person knew nothing about my life nor the fact that my dog had heartworms and vets orders to NOT do exercise, now I’m a dog abuser because of one poster being the judge and jury of my life. Multiply that audience by thousands, and I can see why Etika felt trapped and shamed by a community that should have handled him differently considering he was both suicidal AND bipolar.

Just take a look at some of the threads here. Someone asks for advice and posts an OP with a limited summary of information and posters immediately scrutinize and judge every detail looking for thread backfire fodder and reasons to “gotcha” the OP.

It’s so absurd. I don’t expect communities to become non-toxic overnight so my best solution is just to remain very private, vague, and low-stress in topics on the internet, because it gets very ugly here and elsewhere
 

Deleted member 32374

User requested account closure
Banned
Nov 10, 2017
8,458
The highlighted sentence is the big problem I have with ResetEra, Reddit, and these other big forum spaces. These are toxic communities because people create VERY decisive, extreme opinions of people they knew VERY little about. With people we know in real life, we often create nuance. For example, I love my mother, but there are also many things I have trouble forgiving her for (like her making my life miserable when I came out as gay). There is tremendous nuance and complexity in our relationship. I love her more than anything and yet she has caused me some of the biggest betrayal and pain in my life. Same with my spouse, I treasure him but he cheated on me 3 weeks into our relationship. Life and relationships are complex and nuanced.

On here you get none of that nuance. Someone reads an article where a YouTube celebrity says the “f___t” word in a manic episode and that person is now suddenly an evil, “canceled” person that needs to be mocked, hated, and labeled from then on. Almost 3 decades of life off the computer is not even able to be assessed properly. All that matters is the negative snapshots gobbled by the online channels. Even though using the f___t word is hateful and wrong, the internet and its gazing scrutiny has no time for nuance and complexity, it is instead immediately judgmental. One time I posted here that my dog doesn’t like going on walks, and I got called a dog abuser or not taking him out on walks multiple times a day. This person knew nothing about my life for the fact that my dog had heartworms and vets orders to NOT do exercise: now I’m a dog abuser because of one poster being the judge and jury of my life. Multiply that audience by thousands, and I can see why Etika felt trapped and shamed by a community that should have handled him differently considering he was both suicidal AND bipolar.

Just take a look at some of the threads here. Someone asks for advice and posts an OP with a limited summary of information and posters immediately scrutinize and judge every detail looking for thread backfire fodder and reasons to “gotcha” the OP.

It’s so absurd. I don’t expect communities to become non-toxic overnight so my best solution is just to remain very private, vague, and low-stress in topics on the internet, because it gets very ugly here and elsewhere
Era is toxic as fuck. It's why I mostly joke post and PC gaming post and joke on Fridays.
 

stupei

Member
Oct 26, 2017
1,683
Bad faith arguers: Mods are too insensitive to mental health issues

Mods ban user who tell those who are depressed to "man up." A highly douchey thing to say.

Bad faith arguers: Wow that guy didn't deserve to be banned. Mods are being tyrants.

I KNEW it would come to this. I knew it wasn't a concern for mental health awareness. It's just taking vengeful piss swipes at Era.
You should probably look at some of the usernames you're making generalizations about. The people who were saying the mods should take mental health concerns seriously are not the same people who think that there's nothing wrong with telling people to "man up." Which is obvious if you don't view everything that happens on this forum as being part of only a larger conspiracy.

Certainly there are bad actors involved in this discussion taking advantage of actual problems to air their bullshit grievances, but that's not the only thing that's happening by any stretch. Yet the only interactions you've had in this thread so far is to not actually engage with the posts from the people who are really trying to discuss and instead cast large (repeated) aspersions over the intentions of anyone who has a criticism. If anyone is not actually engaging with the thread in good faith, it's you.

I understand it a little bit better, so their fight is with themselves and the thoughts they have and their way of thinking if i understand correctly. They are constantly fighting with themselves, that seems really exhausting.
Basically you know that you don't really believe the bad things you're thinking, but you can't stop the thoughts from happening. And you have to tell yourself, constantly, that you don't believe them, to fight those impulses and worries, and it is really, really exhausting, yes. There aren't always bad days, but sometimes that makes you feel worse when they happen. You were having so many good days and you blame yourself when the bad ones happen because you thought you were "better." And sometimes it's hard to be sure you know who the real you is anymore. Are you the positive part of yourself you think is you or is the negative part the real you if it's around so often? You want to believe it isn't, but seeing other people not have to face these things or making you feel like you're not trying hard enough can make that harder to know for sure. It's why people reacted to words like yours so strongly. A lot of people with mental illness already feel a lot of guilt over not overcoming it on our own, which isn't really even possible.

Really good of you to come back to the thread and try to understand. Seriously.
 

AlecKoKuTan

Member
Oct 29, 2017
690
Santa Monica
I literally cried this morning. This hits close to home. Being a black man, society expects you to not show any sign of vulnerability or mental instability. I know what it's like to deal with depression and self hatred.

I watched his final video too...

Rest in peace
Same. I've been here, in some regards I still am. I cried, legit. Dude isolated everyone he cared about, my situation is I never had anyone to begin with. Just hits me really fucking close to home. We are both the same age, similar interests, black men that have to deal with the side effects toxic masculinity and systemic racism bring. Making close friends and networking with non blacks has always been extremely difficult and challenging. I've thus just stopped, life is lonely. Poor etika could have rebuilt his image and brand, but its always gonna be harder when you're black
 

Tagyhag

Member
Oct 27, 2017
5,113
Rest in peace Etika, I hope this leads to at least some assholes thinking about mental health, but I doubt it.


My favorite reaction from him, character or not, dude had a passion for Nintendo.
 

Durden

Avenger
Oct 25, 2017
3,206
I wasn't necessarily a fan, but I know he was struggling with mental health, and an ending like this is just horribly tragic. Things are tough in your mind.
 

Danzflor

Member
Oct 27, 2017
1,372
As sad as this is to see, I'm more baffled at the people trying to look for "culprits" of his death. I have even seen people on Twitter pointing fingers and literally blaming ERA admins for "killing Etika" for allowing "hive-minded views". I don't understand why people do this to themselves. I know when a loved/appreciated one dies some people need to jump right onto looking for responsibilities, but always point to the wrong places amid the heat of the moment. Don't be that person. Let authorities work tru it and keep in mind how much people get hurt in these situations to be throwing around accusations.

This was all avoidable and it's a shame. I personally hope this situation teach some people about mental health and to take it seriously. My main advice for people struggling with it, or having a close one in that situation, is, besides seeking help, just bail out of all social media. Don't let the person even reach a computer or cellphone without someone by their side. As useful as Twitter can be, for example, we all know already how nightmarish it can become really fast.

The highlighted sentence is the big problem I have with ResetEra, Reddit, and these other big forum spaces. These are toxic communities because people create VERY decisive, extreme opinions of people they knew VERY little about. With people we know in real life, we often create nuance. For example, I love my mother, but there are also many things I have trouble forgiving her for (like her making my life miserable when I came out as gay). There is tremendous nuance and complexity in our relationship. I love her more than anything and yet she has caused me some of the biggest betrayal and pain in my life. Same with my spouse, I treasure him but he cheated on me 3 weeks into our relationship. Life and relationships are complex and nuanced.

On here you get none of that nuance. Someone reads an article where a YouTube celebrity says the “f___t” word in a manic episode and that person is now suddenly an evil, “canceled” person that needs to be mocked, hated, and labeled from then on. Almost 3 decades of life off the computer is not even able to be assessed properly. All that matters is the negative snapshots gobbled by the online channels. Even though using the f___t word is hateful and wrong, the internet and its gazing scrutiny has no time for nuance and complexity, it is instead immediately judgmental. One time I posted here that my dog doesn’t like going on walks, and I got called a dog abuser or not taking him out on walks multiple times a day. This person knew nothing about my life nor the fact that my dog had heartworms and vets orders to NOT do exercise, now I’m a dog abuser because of one poster being the judge and jury of my life. Multiply that audience by thousands, and I can see why Etika felt trapped and shamed by a community that should have handled him differently considering he was both suicidal AND bipolar.

Just take a look at some of the threads here. Someone asks for advice and posts an OP with a limited summary of information and posters immediately scrutinize and judge every detail looking for thread backfire fodder and reasons to “gotcha” the OP.

It’s so absurd. I don’t expect communities to become non-toxic overnight so my best solution is just to remain very private, vague, and low-stress in topics on the internet, because it gets very ugly here and elsewhere
I went through something similar a year ago, I got canceled for stupid shit I said some years ago and my career just ended. Nothing really worrisome or threating, just my silly damaged self talking non-sense, especially being under the influence of alcohol. I did what was right and I apologized for behavior, owned my act and bailed out of social media and my job back there. A lot of people who barely knew me started fabricated lies and scrutiny everything about myself and that truly sucked. Best thing I did was to just disappear off the vast majority of the internet and not care about what people say, because they clearly aren't caring about me. A total social media blackout was for the best and now I try to share as little as possible about my current life on the Internet, because at the end of the day, with all this outrage culture, is not worth it. I learned to value my life a lot more and not let the Internet control me and that's been a life changing experience for the better. I'm in a better place now, I'm a better person and it's great to feel like that and never look back. Your post hit home for me, so thanks for sharing your experience.
 
Last edited:

MrSaturn99

Member
Oct 25, 2017
5,034
I live in a giant bucket.
For all the drama and awful circumstances involved, I'd like to say I'm at least thankful for people elaborating on their honest concerns regarding this forum. In particular, I'd never heard of "cancel culture" until this thread and it's definitely having me think twice on those who made similar mistakes; unfortunately, I've fallen into that mentality more than once. Much as I pride myself on my morality, it's very easy to get caught up in the social media age of mob mentality and exposure.

I desperately wish things could've worked out for Etika, but for those frustrated with this forum, take comfort in knowing you've inspired those like me to second-guess themselves and apply more measured judgment for the future.
 

dred

Member
Oct 27, 2017
779
Trigger warnings: depression, suicide, suicidal thoughts, sexual abuse, rape, detailing of wounds.

-----

I had hoped to make this post sooner but was unable to. This rips through me, feels incredibly close to home and heartbreaking. I'm not sure how much I'll share but some of this stuff is only known by singular people in my personal life, but it could be important for members here right now. It might be rambling in parts but hopefully some might relate to elements of it.

I'll start by echoing a post of mine in an Etika thread before this:

Which sounds harsh, but hopefully everyone can now understand the severity with which we're talking. There should be no tolerance for it, it's disgusting and it costs lives.

I have been both the person suffering, and have tried to help others who suffer.

If you're any age and can relate to Etika's last video, general desperation or find yourself apart from the world drifting – it gets better. It can, it will, it does.

I wish I could show you how far down the well I was, so you understood the tears with which this ink is mixed. I've been to the top of multi-story car parks and stood on the edge, I've sat under trees in the forest crying wondering which I might hang from soon. Every week I drive over a bridge well-known for suicides and every time I do there's still a glint within me that asks if the world would be better if I did. I don't think it ever leaves you, but now I have a list of things that pop up when I think that, reasons to stay alive. Some days that list is shorter than others, but it's always there now and a number of those items are strong enough to where I don't have to worry any more. Which is why it is so important to me that you understand that it can get better, because there were many times where I didn't have that list in the road until now.

During my time at secondary school (ages 11-16) I was both sexually abused at the start, and I was bullied on a daily basis for close to four of the years. My offense was that I was born with ginger hair and needed glasses. Mix that with being pretty shy and coming off the back of everything sexual abuse brings, and I was a prime vector of attack. We're talking being spat on, kicked between the legs, pushed down flights of metal stairs, poled on the bus, punched, kicked, whatever. Every day of school, for years. Several occasions I was threatened with knives. Nothing happened to the bullies because "boys will be boys" and because it wasn't racially motivated.

So I grew up with an irreconcilable level of self-hatred, shame, guilt and a strong perception that the issue was me. After all, I was being broken on a daily basis purely for features of my body I was unable to change. It wasn't immediate, it wasn't overnight but with time that settled and it settled deep. I became an incredible liar and – as with many people suffering from depression – managed to perfect the wearing of masks. Every day I went home and smiled at my parents, said all was fine before going upstairs and breaking down into the pillows. Occasionally I couldn't make it to the bedroom before that, and my parents would see a crack of what was happening. I'd summarily dismiss it as being solely whatever had managed to escape at the time, before going upstairs and wondering how I could get a gun in the UK to put to my head.

---------
Trigger warnings: depression, suicide, suicidal thoughts, sexual abuse, rape, detailing of wounds.
---------

Which is another thing: suicide isn't taken seriously until it's committed to.

Unsuccessful suicide attempts are well known as being disregarded as attention seeking (for which I'll let the irony escape for now) but there's a further subset to where if you've only considered it but taken no action toward it then you really aren't being serious. Which needs to be challenged. Thinking of ending your own life isn't a simple one. People might want to die but few want to die in agony. This is about not living, not dying itself. If you jump from a bridge you risk tearing your body apart but surviving and living life crippled with zero ability. Pills are simple but seem horrific in their action except when coupled with alcohol, but again – you read too many stories about people surviving and coming too in the hospital having fucked their organs. A jump off of a tall building seems like the best way to go but the duration of the fall means you could regret it and be unable to reverse the decision, the same is true of hanging and bleeding out. A gun seems like the easy solution but then how do you find out how to do it well, because if you botch that then you're back with the above. Trains are the immediate solution but then you're impacting another, random, person with your already-waste-of-space life. I have spent a lot of time considering these things in the past.

This is what suicidal thoughts entertain, and it turns out that the human body is quite resilient. That dying is scary even when suicidal and that it's not a case of walking into the local supermarket and picking up the cheapest "erase me" kit. If you're not taking suicidal thoughts seriously before they become actions, then you need to change your mentality. There is no bar that people have to hit before they're "actually suicidal", and any of those barriers could crumble if a signfiicant additional blow is dealt to them in life.

Depression is your mind working against you

Why didn't they seek help? Why did they refuse help? Why did they just push people away that were trying to help? All of these show a massive ignorance towards what depression is like, and that's ok. We need to educate people, and mental illness is a conversation that has long been taboo. So ignorance is expected, but you have to be able to put aside your affront and recognise it's nothing compared to the inner turmoil the person is going through. Depression isn't logical and trying to approach it like it is won't help. When someone can't conceive their own self worth it's near impossible to believe that others can. Depression is your mind telling you that you deserve to feel this way. Depression is your mind telling you that help can only ever be temporary because you're the problem. Depression is your mind telling you to jump, because it's the only way to ensure nothing continues. It is your mind doubting every solution and labouring every negative, it is you telling you to kill yourself. It is the insidious trickery that forces you to live under that weight.

Thankfully I learned to break from it, and you can too. Councilling helps. Talking to people complete disconnected from your life helps.

When I was 16 I placed a bet with my friend at the time for £10 that I wouldn't live until 30. I couldn't see it. I was scraping by day by day purely for others and I couldn't conceive of a happy life so far into the future. It wasn't even dramatic, it was just a certainty to me.

Now I'm two months into being 30, and it's not been an easy road but I have that list and I love it. I have reasons to live outside of dependencies, I have things I love about life. I want to see, I want to travel, I want to experience. I'm in a good job, with a loving partner, in our own home. I live in a beautiful part of the country. We're getting a dog this year, and plan to get married and have children.

However none of that is what turned it around. I am not alive because of my SO (though she has been intrumental in her support of things I've shared). I am not alive because of my job. I am not alive because I have a nice house and money. These are all reasons I enjoy life, but they aren't what saved me. I am what saved me, and you are what will save you. Every day is a win. Every breath is a win. Every time you push those thoughts down enough to continue, it's a win. Every time you crack a little off the shell to let people know how you feel, is a win.

---------
Trigger warnings: depression, suicide, suicidal thoughts, sexual abuse, rape, detailing of wounds.
---------

Perspective is what allows you to win, and it's what depression robs you of.

Talk to people who know nothing about you. Tell them. Be kind to yourself. Death is final and not going anywhere, so pushing through another day to see what it brings is an overwhelming success. Keep doing that and you will climb out of that well. Even if it seems like there's no footholds, they will come. You'll never lose the memory of being in it, but it's that that will give you the strength to resist it whenever it whispers to you. You just need to keep winning long enough to realise that you and that voice inside your head are not the same, and that you are the greater of the two.

Not everyone gets to that stage though.

Every time I think about this I cry. Every time I talk about it my voice cracks. Every time I feel an immense hole in my heart. It's been 13 years and I can still feel the warmth of the blood on my hands. This is about an incredible woman I once knew, who we'll call Amy here. Amy had been my friend for years and had supported me throughout. Though I could never appreciate it at the time, and only later gained the perspective to do so fully, she was intstrumental in my own survival. She was gentle and warm person but prone to the 'bad lads'. She was also extremely attractive which meant the bad lads went for her, and it meant a ridiculous amount in her acknowledgement of me at the time. She came from an abusive home and was truly a diamond in the rough, so she empathised with a lot of the hurt I was going through and never shied away from spending time with me when her peers would reject me.

Over the years she grew less confident and more timid. She was raped by a boyfriend, abused by another and constantly found herself only in relationships where she was little more than a plaque to her partner. I helped where I could but she withdrew signficantly over time. She started to self-harm, drink excessively and other things that numbed her pain. It killed me to see, but it was impossible to break when I lived miles away and she kept going home to an environment that wasn't safe and detrimental to her health.

One day at 9:37pm I received a text message. I'll never forget the words:

I'm scared. I'm alone. I've messed up. I don't know what to do :( help.

She didn't reply to the next one and I knew this wasn't a joke. I threw myself down the stairs and into the car and drove as fast as I could to where she was staying. No answer on the front door, so I hopped the fence and ran to the back which was open. I called out her name, nothing. I ran upstairs and I saw it. Red drips on the landing, red smears on the walls. I went into the bathroom and crumpled on there she was. Unnaturally white, blood everywhere and crumpled on the floor. I took off my shirt and jumper and did what I could to wrap her arms and stem the flow but I knew fucking zero about first aid. I held her, I screamed out into the street, I softly brushed her hair as she faded slumped against me, waiting for the ambulance. I couldn't save her.

I adored her. I still do. She would have been 30 like me this year, and she would have been the most amazing woman. She would have been the most loving mother, and she could have done so much good for the world.

She can't though, and it tears through me. I know that many people she reached out to for help didn't take it seriously, and I had to stand next to many at the funeral. She was mocked for it, she was called weak and an attention seeker. She was none of them.

---------
Trigger warnings: depression, suicide, suicidal thoughts, sexual abuse, rape, detailing of wounds.
---------

So I literally beg of anyone to never hand-wave people that are coming out as being suicidal. Berid yourself of any personal bar of "seriousness" that a person has to hit before you take suggestions of suicide seriously, and make sure that every single one of your friends knows that you're there for them. Not in an unspoken way, say that shit to them. Tell them that if they ever feel down that you're there to talk to, regardless of how small or large it might be.

Suicide is still such a hush-subject that people – myself included – still can't openly talk about it even when we're not considering it, because of the baggage it brings. I can't tell anyone in my life chunks of the above currently. It would scare them, because they don't understand mental illness and have thankfully never suffered from it. Today I have to tone down the depression I experienced for the comfort of others, as were I to tell anyone close to me the knowledge that I once very much considered ending my life would apply a veneer instabilty that is neither accurate nor warranted.

This is not healthy. We must become much, much more accepting of suicide as a topic of conversation and as something people deal with. Otherwise we're all awkward on it until another person dies, and that's a horrific way to keep a conversation active. People need to start challenging their own preconceptions about it, need to start realising that suicidal people are people and that in each case you have an opportunity to help and an opportunity to harm.

It doesn't matter if it's a mocking comment on a forum that another depressed user might read or otherwise, it has an impact. It affects the way we, as a whole, treat suicide and it affects the avenues of help people have to survive using. If you find yourself willing to gamble over the life and death of people in misery, purely to throw a meme or a joke in, then you seriously need to reflect on that for a bit.
Incredible post, thank you for sharing, friend. One of the most moving posts I've read on era and I'm sure it will have a major impact on a lot of the posters here.
 

RadCatDad

Member
Feb 27, 2019
523
The highlighted sentence is the big problem I have with ResetEra, Reddit, and these other big forum spaces. These are toxic communities because people create VERY decisive, extreme opinions of people they knew VERY little about. With people we know in real life, we often create nuance. For example, I love my mother, but there are also many things I have trouble forgiving her for (like her making my life miserable when I came out as gay). There is tremendous nuance and complexity in our relationship. I love her more than anything and yet she has caused me some of the biggest betrayal and pain in my life. Same with my spouse, I treasure him but he cheated on me 3 weeks into our relationship. Life and relationships are complex and nuanced.

On here you get none of that nuance. Someone reads an article where a YouTube celebrity says the “f___t” word in a manic episode and that person is now suddenly an evil, “canceled” person that needs to be mocked, hated, and labeled from then on. Almost 3 decades of life off the computer is not even able to be assessed properly. All that matters is the negative snapshots gobbled by the online channels. Even though using the f___t word is hateful and wrong, the internet and its gazing scrutiny has no time for nuance and complexity, it is instead immediately judgmental. One time I posted here that my dog doesn’t like going on walks, and I got called a dog abuser or not taking him out on walks multiple times a day. This person knew nothing about my life nor the fact that my dog had heartworms and vets orders to NOT do exercise, now I’m a dog abuser because of one poster being the judge and jury of my life. Multiply that audience by thousands, and I can see why Etika felt trapped and shamed by a community that should have handled him differently considering he was both suicidal AND bipolar.

Just take a look at some of the threads here. Someone asks for advice and posts an OP with a limited summary of information and posters immediately scrutinize and judge every detail looking for thread backfire fodder and reasons to “gotcha” the OP.

It’s so absurd. I don’t expect communities to become non-toxic overnight so my best solution is just to remain very private, vague, and low-stress in topics on the internet, because it gets very ugly here and elsewhere
really good post
 

Kumikomical

Member
Oct 30, 2017
1,365
Been following his streams and videos since 2014. Can't claim to know him well, but I always knew him as a good guy with a genuine heart. I would write about the circumstances leading up to his passing, but I think other posters above have put it better than I ever could have. Let's be better to each other. RIP Etika.
 

Alastor3

Member
Oct 28, 2017
4,106
i just saw his last video : Etika I am sorry video... i am crying at work.

I wasn't a fan of his personnality, but I always enjoyed watching his Nintendo direct reaction. Especially since I just saw the last one.

This video hits home. I am no suicidal, try to get all the help i can, but i am heavily depressed.
 

FrakEarth

Member
Oct 25, 2017
676
Liverpool, UK
I was shocked to read about this just now, I'm so busy at work I've been missing threads and missing news.. it's so sad. We are in a strange time where people are propelled to fame and scrutiny and all of the love and abuse that comes with it, we're all different and have different capacities to process our lives and cope with change, and honestly - I don't know how much that factored in with Erika, but I know he had some turbulent times and as with anything like this I only hope he didn't suffer and he's at peace. Very sad.

I will remember him for his enthusiasm and infectious, often hilarious levels of excitement. I felt like this too for example but I just didn't make the feeling so physical.. I loved watching this at the time. RIP

 

KSweeley

Community Resettler
Member
Oct 25, 2017
3,072
Baltimore, Maryland, USA
Here's SonicFox's Tweets about Etika, so very true, mental heath needs to be a major focus for healthcare:


Rest well Etika. This is such a heartbreaking thing to see. People don’t understand how important mental health is, especially when you reach that level of popularity. It’s insanely hard to feel treated like a human being at that level, and I wish he had got the help he needed.

It’s... really hard to talk to people when you reach that level. You just.. feel like you can’t relate to anyone at that point, or nobody would understand you. I wish there was someone in his life that couldve continued to guide him no matter what he went through.

Im very careful what I say about people. You have no clue what you perceive as “little things” or “trolling” can have on a person’s mental health. It may seem insignificant, but large amounts of it honestly just depresses you, especially with already not feeling like a person.

As someone already battling heavy depression and anxiety, it just wounds me to see someone like him with similar feelings to make a decision like that. I wish he knew that there were people in his life that couldve helped and guided him, no matter how hard the struggle was.

Even I get “those” thoughts, but my friends and family keep pushing me forward and treat me like a person. I only wish he knew the same as well. If anyone of you ever feel this way, just know that there are always people out there watching you, and they will guide you as well.
 

Simon21

Member
Apr 25, 2018
368
Personally I'd hoped that the lesson the mods learned from this wouldn't be to just hand out some token bans until this particular episode blew over.
 

stupei

Member
Oct 26, 2017
1,683
Personally I'd hoped that the lesson the mods learned from this wouldn't be to just hand out some token bans until this particular episode blew over.
Personally I would hope people making these kinds of posts would offer actual suggestions for what they think is a more appropriate or improved response to make the forum better for everyone, but I guess it's easier to make flip comments than it is to try to solve a problem.
 

KSweeley

Community Resettler
Member
Oct 25, 2017
3,072
Baltimore, Maryland, USA
ABC News has reported that the New York City's Office of the Chief Medical Examiner has officially ruled Etika's death as a suicide :(

RIP Etika, your enthusiasm and positive energy will be missed on YouTube and Twitch.


The death of popular YouTube gaming personality Desmond "Etika" Amofah has been ruled a suicide, according to New York City's Office of the Chief Medical Examiner.
 

RageBawt

Member
Oct 27, 2017
338
Personally I would hope people making these kinds of posts would offer actual suggestions for what they think is a more appropriate or improved response to make the forum better for everyone, but I guess it's easier to make flip comments than it is to try to solve a problem.
I don't care either way about the retroactive bans, but I would like to see moderation protecting mental illness with the same relentlessness that they do to protect other people. Also we should discuss whether allowing cancel culture is any different from any other sort of online harassment. People fuck up it's life like we can be critical without trying to ruin them completely. I know other people will be against this as they like to dehumanize them and do everything in their power to ruin the persons life.
 

Bunga

Member
Oct 29, 2017
547
Trigger warnings: depression, suicide, suicidal thoughts, sexual abuse, rape, detailing of wounds.

-----

I had hoped to make this post sooner but was unable to. This rips through me, feels incredibly close to home and heartbreaking. I'm not sure how much I'll share but some of this stuff is only known by singular people in my personal life, but it could be important for members here right now. It might be rambling in parts but hopefully some might relate to elements of it.

I'll start by echoing a post of mine in an Etika thread before this:

Which sounds harsh, but hopefully everyone can now understand the severity with which we're talking. There should be no tolerance for it, it's disgusting and it costs lives.

I have been both the person suffering, and have tried to help others who suffer.

If you're any age and can relate to Etika's last video, general desperation or find yourself apart from the world drifting – it gets better. It can, it will, it does.

I wish I could show you how far down the well I was, so you understood the tears with which this ink is mixed. I've been to the top of multi-story car parks and stood on the edge, I've sat under trees in the forest crying wondering which I might hang from soon. Every week I drive over a bridge well-known for suicides and every time I do there's still a glint within me that asks if the world would be better if I did. I don't think it ever leaves you, but now I have a list of things that pop up when I think that, reasons to stay alive. Some days that list is shorter than others, but it's always there now and a number of those items are strong enough to where I don't have to worry any more. Which is why it is so important to me that you understand that it can get better, because there were many times where I didn't have that list in the road until now.

During my time at secondary school (ages 11-16) I was both sexually abused at the start, and I was bullied on a daily basis for close to four of the years. My offense was that I was born with ginger hair and needed glasses. Mix that with being pretty shy and coming off the back of everything sexual abuse brings, and I was a prime vector of attack. We're talking being spat on, kicked between the legs, pushed down flights of metal stairs, poled on the bus, punched, kicked, whatever. Every day of school, for years. Several occasions I was threatened with knives. Nothing happened to the bullies because "boys will be boys" and because it wasn't racially motivated.

So I grew up with an irreconcilable level of self-hatred, shame, guilt and a strong perception that the issue was me. After all, I was being broken on a daily basis purely for features of my body I was unable to change. It wasn't immediate, it wasn't overnight but with time that settled and it settled deep. I became an incredible liar and – as with many people suffering from depression – managed to perfect the wearing of masks. Every day I went home and smiled at my parents, said all was fine before going upstairs and breaking down into the pillows. Occasionally I couldn't make it to the bedroom before that, and my parents would see a crack of what was happening. I'd summarily dismiss it as being solely whatever had managed to escape at the time, before going upstairs and wondering how I could get a gun in the UK to put to my head.

---------
Trigger warnings: depression, suicide, suicidal thoughts, sexual abuse, rape, detailing of wounds.
---------

Which is another thing: suicide isn't taken seriously until it's committed to.

Unsuccessful suicide attempts are well known as being disregarded as attention seeking (for which I'll let the irony escape for now) but there's a further subset to where if you've only considered it but taken no action toward it then you really aren't being serious. Which needs to be challenged. Thinking of ending your own life isn't a simple one. People might want to die but few want to die in agony. This is about not living, not dying itself. If you jump from a bridge you risk tearing your body apart but surviving and living life crippled with zero ability. Pills are simple but seem horrific in their action except when coupled with alcohol, but again – you read too many stories about people surviving and coming too in the hospital having fucked their organs. A jump off of a tall building seems like the best way to go but the duration of the fall means you could regret it and be unable to reverse the decision, the same is true of hanging and bleeding out. A gun seems like the easy solution but then how do you find out how to do it well, because if you botch that then you're back with the above. Trains are the immediate solution but then you're impacting another, random, person with your already-waste-of-space life. I have spent a lot of time considering these things in the past.

This is what suicidal thoughts entertain, and it turns out that the human body is quite resilient. That dying is scary even when suicidal and that it's not a case of walking into the local supermarket and picking up the cheapest "erase me" kit. If you're not taking suicidal thoughts seriously before they become actions, then you need to change your mentality. There is no bar that people have to hit before they're "actually suicidal", and any of those barriers could crumble if a signfiicant additional blow is dealt to them in life.

Depression is your mind working against you

Why didn't they seek help? Why did they refuse help? Why did they just push people away that were trying to help? All of these show a massive ignorance towards what depression is like, and that's ok. We need to educate people, and mental illness is a conversation that has long been taboo. So ignorance is expected, but you have to be able to put aside your affront and recognise it's nothing compared to the inner turmoil the person is going through. Depression isn't logical and trying to approach it like it is won't help. When someone can't conceive their own self worth it's near impossible to believe that others can. Depression is your mind telling you that you deserve to feel this way. Depression is your mind telling you that help can only ever be temporary because you're the problem. Depression is your mind telling you to jump, because it's the only way to ensure nothing continues. It is your mind doubting every solution and labouring every negative, it is you telling you to kill yourself. It is the insidious trickery that forces you to live under that weight.

Thankfully I learned to break from it, and you can too. Councilling helps. Talking to people completely disconnected from your life helps.

When I was 16 I placed a bet with my friend at the time for £10 that I wouldn't live until 30. I couldn't see it. I was scraping by day by day purely for others and I couldn't conceive of a happy life so far into the future. It wasn't even dramatic, it was just a certainty to me.

Now I'm two months into being 30, and it's not been an easy road but I have that list and I love it. I have reasons to live outside of dependencies, I have things I love about life. I want to see, I want to travel, I want to experience. I'm in a good job, with a loving partner, in our own home. I live in a beautiful part of the country. We're getting a dog this year, and plan to get married and have children.

However none of that is what turned it around. I am not alive because of my SO (though she has been instrumental in her support of things I've shared). I am not alive because of my job. I am not alive because I have a nice house and money. These are all reasons I enjoy life, but they aren't what saved me. I am what saved me, and you are what will save you. Every day is a win. Every breath is a win. Every time you push those thoughts down enough to continue, it's a win. Every time you crack a little off the shell to let people know how you feel, is a win.

---------
Trigger warnings: depression, suicide, suicidal thoughts, sexual abuse, rape, detailing of wounds.
---------

Perspective is what allows you to win, and it's what depression robs you of.

Talk to people who know nothing about you. Tell them. Be kind to yourself. Death is final and not going anywhere, so pushing through another day to see what it brings is an overwhelming success. Keep doing that and you will climb out of that well. Even if it seems like there's no footholds, they will come. You'll never lose the memory of being in it, but it's that that will give you the strength to resist it whenever it whispers to you. You just need to keep winning long enough to realise that you and that voice inside your head are not the same, and that you are the greater of the two.

Not everyone gets to that stage though.

Every time I think about this I cry. Every time I talk about it my voice cracks. Every time I feel an immense hole in my heart. It's been 13 years and I can still feel the warmth of the blood on my hands. This is about an incredible woman I once knew, who we'll call Amy here. Amy had been my friend for years and had supported me throughout. Though I could never appreciate it at the time, and only later gained the perspective to do so fully, she was instrumental in my own survival. She was gentle and warm person but prone to the 'bad lads'. She was also extremely attractive which meant the bad lads went for her, and it meant a ridiculous amount in her acknowledgement of me at the time. She came from an abusive home and was truly a diamond in the rough, so she empathised with a lot of the hurt I was going through and never shied away from spending time with me when her peers would reject me.

Over the years she grew less confident and more timid. She was raped by a boyfriend, abused by another and constantly found herself only in relationships where she was little more than a plaque to her partner. I helped where I could but she withdrew signficantly over time. She started to self-harm, drink excessively and other things that numbed her pain. It killed me to see, but it was impossible to break when I lived miles away and she kept going home to an environment that wasn't safe and detrimental to her health.

One day at 9:37pm I received a text message. I'll never forget the words:

I'm scared. I'm alone. I've messed up. I don't know what to do :( help.

She didn't reply to the next one and I knew this wasn't a joke. I threw myself down the stairs and into the car and drove as fast as I could to where she was staying. No answer on the front door, so I hopped the fence and ran to the back which was open. I called out her name, nothing. I ran upstairs and I saw it. Red drips on the landing, red smears on the walls. I went into the bathroom and there she was. Unnaturally white, blood everywhere and crumpled on the floor. I took off my shirt and jumper and did what I could to wrap her arms and stem the flow but I knew fucking zero about first aid. I held her, I screamed out into the street, I softly brushed her hair as she faded slumped against me, waiting for the ambulance. I couldn't save her.

I adored her. I still do. She would have been 30 like me this year, and she would have been the most amazing woman. She would have been the most loving mother, and she could have done so much good for the world.

She can't though, and it tears through me. I know that many people she reached out to for help didn't take it seriously, and I had to stand next to many at the funeral. She was mocked for it, she was called weak and an attention seeker. She was none of them.

---------
Trigger warnings: depression, suicide, suicidal thoughts, sexual abuse, rape, detailing of wounds.
---------

So I literally beg of anyone to never hand-wave people that are coming out as being suicidal. Berid yourself of any personal bar of "seriousness" that a person has to hit before you take suggestions of suicide seriously, and make sure that every single one of your friends knows that you're there for them. Not in an unspoken way, say that shit to them. Tell them that if they ever feel down that you're there to talk to, regardless of how small or large it might be.

Suicide is still such a hush-subject that people – myself included – still can't openly talk about it even when we're not considering it, because of the baggage it brings. I can't tell anyone in my life chunks of the above currently. It would scare them, because they don't understand mental illness and have thankfully never suffered from it. Today I have to tone down the depression I experienced for the comfort of others, as were I to tell anyone close to me that I once very much considered ending my life it would immediately apply a veneer of instabilty that is neither accurate nor warranted.

This is not healthy. We must become much, much more accepting of suicide as a topic of conversation and as something people deal with. Otherwise we're all awkward on it until another person dies, and that's a horrific way to keep a conversation active. People need to start challenging their own preconceptions about it, need to start realising that suicidal people are people and that in each case you have an opportunity to help and an opportunity to harm.

It doesn't matter if it's a mocking comment on a forum that another depressed user might read or otherwise, it has an impact. It affects the way we, as a whole, treat suicide and it affects the avenues of help people have to survive using. If you find yourself willing to gamble over the life and death of people in misery, purely to throw a meme or a joke in, then you seriously need to reflect on that for a bit.
This is an incredible post. I think you'll have helped some people with this. Thanks for sharing and take care.
 

Friskyrum

Member
Jun 25, 2019
120
Woke up this morning and I still can't get this out of my mind... it hurts. Where ever he is I hope he's happy. :(

Who knew someone you've never had a interaction with in your life could affect you so much.
 

airbagged_

Member
Jan 21, 2019
1,300
Charleston, SC
Trigger warnings: depression, suicide, suicidal thoughts, sexual abuse, rape, detailing of wounds.

-----

I had hoped to make this post sooner but was unable to. This rips through me, feels incredibly close to home and heartbreaking. I'm not sure how much I'll share but some of this stuff is only known by singular people in my personal life, but it could be important for members here right now. It might be rambling in parts but hopefully some might relate to elements of it.

I'll start by echoing a post of mine in an Etika thread before this:

Which sounds harsh, but hopefully everyone can now understand the severity with which we're talking. There should be no tolerance for it, it's disgusting and it costs lives.

I have been both the person suffering, and have tried to help others who suffer.

If you're any age and can relate to Etika's last video, general desperation or find yourself apart from the world drifting – it gets better. It can, it will, it does.

I wish I could show you how far down the well I was, so you understood the tears with which this ink is mixed. I've been to the top of multi-story car parks and stood on the edge, I've sat under trees in the forest crying wondering which I might hang from soon. Every week I drive over a bridge well-known for suicides and every time I do there's still a glint within me that asks if the world would be better if I did. I don't think it ever leaves you, but now I have a list of things that pop up when I think that, reasons to stay alive. Some days that list is shorter than others, but it's always there now and a number of those items are strong enough to where I don't have to worry any more. Which is why it is so important to me that you understand that it can get better, because there were many times where I didn't have that list in the road until now.

During my time at secondary school (ages 11-16) I was both sexually abused at the start, and I was bullied on a daily basis for close to four of the years. My offense was that I was born with ginger hair and needed glasses. Mix that with being pretty shy and coming off the back of everything sexual abuse brings, and I was a prime vector of attack. We're talking being spat on, kicked between the legs, pushed down flights of metal stairs, poled on the bus, punched, kicked, whatever. Every day of school, for years. Several occasions I was threatened with knives. Nothing happened to the bullies because "boys will be boys" and because it wasn't racially motivated.

So I grew up with an irreconcilable level of self-hatred, shame, guilt and a strong perception that the issue was me. After all, I was being broken on a daily basis purely for features of my body I was unable to change. It wasn't immediate, it wasn't overnight but with time that settled and it settled deep. I became an incredible liar and – as with many people suffering from depression – managed to perfect the wearing of masks. Every day I went home and smiled at my parents, said all was fine before going upstairs and breaking down into the pillows. Occasionally I couldn't make it to the bedroom before that, and my parents would see a crack of what was happening. I'd summarily dismiss it as being solely whatever had managed to escape at the time, before going upstairs and wondering how I could get a gun in the UK to put to my head.

---------
Trigger warnings: depression, suicide, suicidal thoughts, sexual abuse, rape, detailing of wounds.
---------

Which is another thing: suicide isn't taken seriously until it's committed to.

Unsuccessful suicide attempts are well known as being disregarded as attention seeking (for which I'll let the irony escape for now) but there's a further subset to where if you've only considered it but taken no action toward it then you really aren't being serious. Which needs to be challenged. Thinking of ending your own life isn't a simple one. People might want to die but few want to die in agony. This is about not living, not dying itself. If you jump from a bridge you risk tearing your body apart but surviving and living life crippled with zero ability. Pills are simple but seem horrific in their action except when coupled with alcohol, but again – you read too many stories about people surviving and coming too in the hospital having fucked their organs. A jump off of a tall building seems like the best way to go but the duration of the fall means you could regret it and be unable to reverse the decision, the same is true of hanging and bleeding out. A gun seems like the easy solution but then how do you find out how to do it well, because if you botch that then you're back with the above. Trains are the immediate solution but then you're impacting another, random, person with your already-waste-of-space life. I have spent a lot of time considering these things in the past.

This is what suicidal thoughts entertain, and it turns out that the human body is quite resilient. That dying is scary even when suicidal and that it's not a case of walking into the local supermarket and picking up the cheapest "erase me" kit. If you're not taking suicidal thoughts seriously before they become actions, then you need to change your mentality. There is no bar that people have to hit before they're "actually suicidal", and any of those barriers could crumble if a signfiicant additional blow is dealt to them in life.

Depression is your mind working against you

Why didn't they seek help? Why did they refuse help? Why did they just push people away that were trying to help? All of these show a massive ignorance towards what depression is like, and that's ok. We need to educate people, and mental illness is a conversation that has long been taboo. So ignorance is expected, but you have to be able to put aside your affront and recognise it's nothing compared to the inner turmoil the person is going through. Depression isn't logical and trying to approach it like it is won't help. When someone can't conceive their own self worth it's near impossible to believe that others can. Depression is your mind telling you that you deserve to feel this way. Depression is your mind telling you that help can only ever be temporary because you're the problem. Depression is your mind telling you to jump, because it's the only way to ensure nothing continues. It is your mind doubting every solution and labouring every negative, it is you telling you to kill yourself. It is the insidious trickery that forces you to live under that weight.

Thankfully I learned to break from it, and you can too. Councilling helps. Talking to people completely disconnected from your life helps.

When I was 16 I placed a bet with my friend at the time for £10 that I wouldn't live until 30. I couldn't see it. I was scraping by day by day purely for others and I couldn't conceive of a happy life so far into the future. It wasn't even dramatic, it was just a certainty to me.

Now I'm two months into being 30, and it's not been an easy road but I have that list and I love it. I have reasons to live outside of dependencies, I have things I love about life. I want to see, I want to travel, I want to experience. I'm in a good job, with a loving partner, in our own home. I live in a beautiful part of the country. We're getting a dog this year, and plan to get married and have children.

However none of that is what turned it around. I am not alive because of my SO (though she has been instrumental in her support of things I've shared). I am not alive because of my job. I am not alive because I have a nice house and money. These are all reasons I enjoy life, but they aren't what saved me. I am what saved me, and you are what will save you. Every day is a win. Every breath is a win. Every time you push those thoughts down enough to continue, it's a win. Every time you crack a little off the shell to let people know how you feel, is a win.

---------
Trigger warnings: depression, suicide, suicidal thoughts, sexual abuse, rape, detailing of wounds.
---------

Perspective is what allows you to win, and it's what depression robs you of.

Talk to people who know nothing about you. Tell them. Be kind to yourself. Death is final and not going anywhere, so pushing through another day to see what it brings is an overwhelming success. Keep doing that and you will climb out of that well. Even if it seems like there's no footholds, they will come. You'll never lose the memory of being in it, but it's that that will give you the strength to resist it whenever it whispers to you. You just need to keep winning long enough to realise that you and that voice inside your head are not the same, and that you are the greater of the two.

Not everyone gets to that stage though.

Every time I think about this I cry. Every time I talk about it my voice cracks. Every time I feel an immense hole in my heart. It's been 13 years and I can still feel the warmth of the blood on my hands. This is about an incredible woman I once knew, who we'll call Amy here. Amy had been my friend for years and had supported me throughout. Though I could never appreciate it at the time, and only later gained the perspective to do so fully, she was instrumental in my own survival. She was gentle and warm person but prone to the 'bad lads'. She was also extremely attractive which meant the bad lads went for her, and it meant a ridiculous amount in her acknowledgement of me at the time. She came from an abusive home and was truly a diamond in the rough, so she empathised with a lot of the hurt I was going through and never shied away from spending time with me when her peers would reject me.

Over the years she grew less confident and more timid. She was raped by a boyfriend, abused by another and constantly found herself only in relationships where she was little more than a plaque to her partner. I helped where I could but she withdrew signficantly over time. She started to self-harm, drink excessively and other things that numbed her pain. It killed me to see, but it was impossible to break when I lived miles away and she kept going home to an environment that wasn't safe and detrimental to her health.

One day at 9:37pm I received a text message. I'll never forget the words:

I'm scared. I'm alone. I've messed up. I don't know what to do :( help.

She didn't reply to the next one and I knew this wasn't a joke. I threw myself down the stairs and into the car and drove as fast as I could to where she was staying. No answer on the front door, so I hopped the fence and ran to the back which was open. I called out her name, nothing. I ran upstairs and I saw it. Red drips on the landing, red smears on the walls. I went into the bathroom and there she was. Unnaturally white, blood everywhere and crumpled on the floor. I took off my shirt and jumper and did what I could to wrap her arms and stem the flow but I knew fucking zero about first aid. I held her, I screamed out into the street, I softly brushed her hair as she faded slumped against me, waiting for the ambulance. I couldn't save her.

I adored her. I still do. She would have been 30 like me this year, and she would have been the most amazing woman. She would have been the most loving mother, and she could have done so much good for the world.

She can't though, and it tears through me. I know that many people she reached out to for help didn't take it seriously, and I had to stand next to many at the funeral. She was mocked for it, she was called weak and an attention seeker. She was none of them.

---------
Trigger warnings: depression, suicide, suicidal thoughts, sexual abuse, rape, detailing of wounds.
---------

So I literally beg of anyone to never hand-wave people that are coming out as being suicidal. Berid yourself of any personal bar of "seriousness" that a person has to hit before you take suggestions of suicide seriously, and make sure that every single one of your friends knows that you're there for them. Not in an unspoken way, say that shit to them. Tell them that if they ever feel down that you're there to talk to, regardless of how small or large it might be.

Suicide is still such a hush-subject that people – myself included – still can't openly talk about it even when we're not considering it, because of the baggage it brings. I can't tell anyone in my life chunks of the above currently. It would scare them, because they don't understand mental illness and have thankfully never suffered from it. Today I have to tone down the depression I experienced for the comfort of others, as were I to tell anyone close to me that I once very much considered ending my life it would immediately apply a veneer of instabilty that is neither accurate nor warranted.

This is not healthy. We must become much, much more accepting of suicide as a topic of conversation and as something people deal with. Otherwise we're all awkward on it until another person dies, and that's a horrific way to keep a conversation active. People need to start challenging their own preconceptions about it, need to start realising that suicidal people are people and that in each case you have an opportunity to help and an opportunity to harm.

It doesn't matter if it's a mocking comment on a forum that another depressed user might read or otherwise, it has an impact. It affects the way we, as a whole, treat suicide and it affects the avenues of help people have to survive using. If you find yourself willing to gamble over the life and death of people in misery, purely to throw a meme or a joke in, then you seriously need to reflect on that for a bit.
Saving this.
 

Simon21

Member
Apr 25, 2018
368
I don't care either way about the retroactive bans, but I would like to see moderation protecting mental illness with the same relentlessness that they do to protect other people. Also we should discuss whether allowing cancel culture is any different from any other sort of online harassment. People fuck up it's life like we can be critical without trying to ruin them completely. I know other people will be against this as they like to dehumanize them and do everything in their power to ruin the persons life.
^^^
Allowing open discussion of moderation by people who use the site and care about the openness and standard of discussion within it would help too.

As someone who personally suffers from mental health problems, bringing down mindless bans on people asking genuine, good faith questions doesn't fill me with hope that they actually understand what many people's issues are.

The problem in the previous Etika thread was that people were allowed to dehumanise, with absolute impunity, an individual with severe mental health issues because he used hurtful words while going through a particularly bad time.

I want that sort of thing to be stamped down on and I want the ability for the people who primarily use this site to discuss and steer the way it is run and moderated, not for people who don't speak English as their first language to be banned for using an unfortunate phrase in a genuine attempt at empathy and understanding. That's just an extension of the "cancel culture" that eventually leads to people feeling comfortable wishing death upon Etika.

I would despise being genuinely told to "just man up", but that's clearly a world away from what that poster was trying to say.
 

CortexVortex

Member
Oct 30, 2017
929
Trigger warnings: depression, suicide, suicidal thoughts, sexual abuse, rape, detailing of wounds.

-----

I had hoped to make this post sooner but was unable to. This rips through me, feels incredibly close to home and heartbreaking. I'm not sure how much I'll share but some of this stuff is only known by singular people in my personal life, but it could be important for members here right now. It might be rambling in parts but hopefully some might relate to elements of it.

I'll start by echoing a post of mine in an Etika thread before this:

Which sounds harsh, but hopefully everyone can now understand the severity with which we're talking. There should be no tolerance for it, it's disgusting and it costs lives.

I have been both the person suffering, and have tried to help others who suffer.

If you're any age and can relate to Etika's last video, general desperation or find yourself apart from the world drifting – it gets better. It can, it will, it does.

I wish I could show you how far down the well I was, so you understood the tears with which this ink is mixed. I've been to the top of multi-story car parks and stood on the edge, I've sat under trees in the forest crying wondering which I might hang from soon. Every week I drive over a bridge well-known for suicides and every time I do there's still a glint within me that asks if the world would be better if I did. I don't think it ever leaves you, but now I have a list of things that pop up when I think that, reasons to stay alive. Some days that list is shorter than others, but it's always there now and a number of those items are strong enough to where I don't have to worry any more. Which is why it is so important to me that you understand that it can get better, because there were many times where I didn't have that list in the road until now.

During my time at secondary school (ages 11-16) I was both sexually abused at the start, and I was bullied on a daily basis for close to four of the years. My offense was that I was born with ginger hair and needed glasses. Mix that with being pretty shy and coming off the back of everything sexual abuse brings, and I was a prime vector of attack. We're talking being spat on, kicked between the legs, pushed down flights of metal stairs, poled on the bus, punched, kicked, whatever. Every day of school, for years. Several occasions I was threatened with knives. Nothing happened to the bullies because "boys will be boys" and because it wasn't racially motivated.

So I grew up with an irreconcilable level of self-hatred, shame, guilt and a strong perception that the issue was me. After all, I was being broken on a daily basis purely for features of my body I was unable to change. It wasn't immediate, it wasn't overnight but with time that settled and it settled deep. I became an incredible liar and – as with many people suffering from depression – managed to perfect the wearing of masks. Every day I went home and smiled at my parents, said all was fine before going upstairs and breaking down into the pillows. Occasionally I couldn't make it to the bedroom before that, and my parents would see a crack of what was happening. I'd summarily dismiss it as being solely whatever had managed to escape at the time, before going upstairs and wondering how I could get a gun in the UK to put to my head.

---------
Trigger warnings: depression, suicide, suicidal thoughts, sexual abuse, rape, detailing of wounds.
---------

Which is another thing: suicide isn't taken seriously until it's committed to.

Unsuccessful suicide attempts are well known as being disregarded as attention seeking (for which I'll let the irony escape for now) but there's a further subset to where if you've only considered it but taken no action toward it then you really aren't being serious. Which needs to be challenged. Thinking of ending your own life isn't a simple one. People might want to die but few want to die in agony. This is about not living, not dying itself. If you jump from a bridge you risk tearing your body apart but surviving and living life crippled with zero ability. Pills are simple but seem horrific in their action except when coupled with alcohol, but again – you read too many stories about people surviving and coming too in the hospital having fucked their organs. A jump off of a tall building seems like the best way to go but the duration of the fall means you could regret it and be unable to reverse the decision, the same is true of hanging and bleeding out. A gun seems like the easy solution but then how do you find out how to do it well, because if you botch that then you're back with the above. Trains are the immediate solution but then you're impacting another, random, person with your already-waste-of-space life. I have spent a lot of time considering these things in the past.

This is what suicidal thoughts entertain, and it turns out that the human body is quite resilient. That dying is scary even when suicidal and that it's not a case of walking into the local supermarket and picking up the cheapest "erase me" kit. If you're not taking suicidal thoughts seriously before they become actions, then you need to change your mentality. There is no bar that people have to hit before they're "actually suicidal", and any of those barriers could crumble if a signfiicant additional blow is dealt to them in life.

Depression is your mind working against you

Why didn't they seek help? Why did they refuse help? Why did they just push people away that were trying to help? All of these show a massive ignorance towards what depression is like, and that's ok. We need to educate people, and mental illness is a conversation that has long been taboo. So ignorance is expected, but you have to be able to put aside your affront and recognise it's nothing compared to the inner turmoil the person is going through. Depression isn't logical and trying to approach it like it is won't help. When someone can't conceive their own self worth it's near impossible to believe that others can. Depression is your mind telling you that you deserve to feel this way. Depression is your mind telling you that help can only ever be temporary because you're the problem. Depression is your mind telling you to jump, because it's the only way to ensure nothing continues. It is your mind doubting every solution and labouring every negative, it is you telling you to kill yourself. It is the insidious trickery that forces you to live under that weight.

Thankfully I learned to break from it, and you can too. Councilling helps. Talking to people completely disconnected from your life helps.

When I was 16 I placed a bet with my friend at the time for £10 that I wouldn't live until 30. I couldn't see it. I was scraping by day by day purely for others and I couldn't conceive of a happy life so far into the future. It wasn't even dramatic, it was just a certainty to me.

Now I'm two months into being 30, and it's not been an easy road but I have that list and I love it. I have reasons to live outside of dependencies, I have things I love about life. I want to see, I want to travel, I want to experience. I'm in a good job, with a loving partner, in our own home. I live in a beautiful part of the country. We're getting a dog this year, and plan to get married and have children.

However none of that is what turned it around. I am not alive because of my SO (though she has been instrumental in her support of things I've shared). I am not alive because of my job. I am not alive because I have a nice house and money. These are all reasons I enjoy life, but they aren't what saved me. I am what saved me, and you are what will save you. Every day is a win. Every breath is a win. Every time you push those thoughts down enough to continue, it's a win. Every time you crack a little off the shell to let people know how you feel, is a win.

---------
Trigger warnings: depression, suicide, suicidal thoughts, sexual abuse, rape, detailing of wounds.
---------

Perspective is what allows you to win, and it's what depression robs you of.

Talk to people who know nothing about you. Tell them. Be kind to yourself. Death is final and not going anywhere, so pushing through another day to see what it brings is an overwhelming success. Keep doing that and you will climb out of that well. Even if it seems like there's no footholds, they will come. You'll never lose the memory of being in it, but it's that that will give you the strength to resist it whenever it whispers to you. You just need to keep winning long enough to realise that you and that voice inside your head are not the same, and that you are the greater of the two.

Not everyone gets to that stage though.

Every time I think about this I cry. Every time I talk about it my voice cracks. Every time I feel an immense hole in my heart. It's been 13 years and I can still feel the warmth of the blood on my hands. This is about an incredible woman I once knew, who we'll call Amy here. Amy had been my friend for years and had supported me throughout. Though I could never appreciate it at the time, and only later gained the perspective to do so fully, she was instrumental in my own survival. She was gentle and warm person but prone to the 'bad lads'. She was also extremely attractive which meant the bad lads went for her, and it meant a ridiculous amount in her acknowledgement of me at the time. She came from an abusive home and was truly a diamond in the rough, so she empathised with a lot of the hurt I was going through and never shied away from spending time with me when her peers would reject me.

Over the years she grew less confident and more timid. She was raped by a boyfriend, abused by another and constantly found herself only in relationships where she was little more than a plaque to her partner. I helped where I could but she withdrew signficantly over time. She started to self-harm, drink excessively and other things that numbed her pain. It killed me to see, but it was impossible to break when I lived miles away and she kept going home to an environment that wasn't safe and detrimental to her health.

One day at 9:37pm I received a text message. I'll never forget the words:

I'm scared. I'm alone. I've messed up. I don't know what to do :( help.

She didn't reply to the next one and I knew this wasn't a joke. I threw myself down the stairs and into the car and drove as fast as I could to where she was staying. No answer on the front door, so I hopped the fence and ran to the back which was open. I called out her name, nothing. I ran upstairs and I saw it. Red drips on the landing, red smears on the walls. I went into the bathroom and there she was. Unnaturally white, blood everywhere and crumpled on the floor. I took off my shirt and jumper and did what I could to wrap her arms and stem the flow but I knew fucking zero about first aid. I held her, I screamed out into the street, I softly brushed her hair as she faded slumped against me, waiting for the ambulance. I couldn't save her.

I adored her. I still do. She would have been 30 like me this year, and she would have been the most amazing woman. She would have been the most loving mother, and she could have done so much good for the world.

She can't though, and it tears through me. I know that many people she reached out to for help didn't take it seriously, and I had to stand next to many at the funeral. She was mocked for it, she was called weak and an attention seeker. She was none of them.

---------
Trigger warnings: depression, suicide, suicidal thoughts, sexual abuse, rape, detailing of wounds.
---------

So I literally beg of anyone to never hand-wave people that are coming out as being suicidal. Berid yourself of any personal bar of "seriousness" that a person has to hit before you take suggestions of suicide seriously, and make sure that every single one of your friends knows that you're there for them. Not in an unspoken way, say that shit to them. Tell them that if they ever feel down that you're there to talk to, regardless of how small or large it might be.

Suicide is still such a hush-subject that people – myself included – still can't openly talk about it even when we're not considering it, because of the baggage it brings. I can't tell anyone in my life chunks of the above currently. It would scare them, because they don't understand mental illness and have thankfully never suffered from it. Today I have to tone down the depression I experienced for the comfort of others, as were I to tell anyone close to me that I once very much considered ending my life it would immediately apply a veneer of instabilty that is neither accurate nor warranted.

This is not healthy. We must become much, much more accepting of suicide as a topic of conversation and as something people deal with. Otherwise we're all awkward on it until another person dies, and that's a horrific way to keep a conversation active. People need to start challenging their own preconceptions about it, need to start realising that suicidal people are people and that in each case you have an opportunity to help and an opportunity to harm.

It doesn't matter if it's a mocking comment on a forum that another depressed user might read or otherwise, it has an impact. It affects the way we, as a whole, treat suicide and it affects the avenues of help people have to survive using. If you find yourself willing to gamble over the life and death of people in misery, purely to throw a meme or a joke in, then you seriously need to reflect on that for a bit.
Thank you for this incredible and brave post.
 
Nov 13, 2017
4,501
This is making the rounds on Twitter.


Does Twitch have an option to only let paid subscribers messages show up in the chat? I feel like that would be a good start to cut back on the hate.
 

pld

Member
Oct 27, 2017
4,396
Man I am still tearing up everytime I think about Etika and realising that the last Nintendo Direct was his final reaction. For me his reaction videos were always the place to go after a Direct concluded. I will really miss him :(