We probably are now its getting difficult to follow. I'm still livid about the man up horse shit. Going to take a break
Yeah sorry about that
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NYPD on Twitter: "We regret to inform that Desmond Amofah aka Etika has been found deceased." (See guidelines before posting)
- Thread starter JB2448
- Start date
Could you be more disingenuous? He didn't tell anyone to man up. He said his instinct was to say that, but he admitted that in a post in which he's asking for help understanding how he should actually behave in those scenarios. He was asking for guidance on how to act in a complicated situation that clearly most people aren't adept at and instead he caught a ban and vitriol from other users.
Just like saying "fuck the Jews", saying the f-word and shit like that yes. And it wasn't my word for it anyway. My first post talked about toxic masculinity, and how harmful that is so I understand being upset by it, I was upset by it as that was why I posted in the first place today. But it's not that simple as is shown with the case with Etika.
All the best to his survivors.
May you rest in peace, Desmond... no matter what the future would have held, perhaps there are still things you left behind that will endure.
May you rest in peace, Desmond... no matter what the future would have held, perhaps there are still things you left behind that will endure.
In all fairness so was I. I've heard that shit a lot of times in my life, and in turn I've said it to others.
It made me feel lesser and I'm sure it felt the same to people I've said it to. It's one of the reasons I have such a hard time talking about my mind state as a black man, especially with parents who've grown up in a country during tumultuous times. So whenever I brought up my depression it felt small in comparison and I always felt that I'll be dismissed(which did happen). The lessons I've learnt as a teen was to shut up, keep it inside, nobody gives a fuck and this is probably what it means to be a man. And it led to so many issues.
It's such a shitty thing to say to someone and I've only learnt that lesson a few years back. I'm only 25 now and I still have a lot of learning to do, right now I can't even express how I feel without feeling like I'm 'weak'. Don't think I've cried properly for years, the last time was when I was 17? 18 maybe?
So I know how utterly shitty it is to tell someone while they feel like they're at rock bottom to just 'man up'.
Let me chime in here a bit (Working as a masters and want to become a therapist, more-so addictions).
Honestly, even if he got the "best" help its a crapshoot. He would need to be ready, timing would need to be right, etc. Getting the "best" help in the world doesn't erase years of trauma. It takes hard, dirty work, that may take time and require determination.
This is a 'perfect world' assuming he got the best help ever. We don't wanna say it, but there are shit counselors out there. He could have encountered some who didn't understand his world view or struggles - it happens. Finding a great counselor is tough, really tough.
On another note bipolar is also a difficult diagnosis to go through. Many factors at play. I just want people to understand that help isnt a "catch-all" and even if you get it recovery isn't instantaneous nor does it erase pain/trauma.
first of all, sucks you had to go through it. and props for getting through it and getting your life together.
i dont have any first hand experience with depression, just second hand. it's much tougher for people suffering from mental illness because their mind goes to dark places. they see no way out. people like you and me almost get stronger from adversity, but its because our body and mind cooperate in ways it doesnt for people suffering from depression and bipolar disorders. i suggest reading up on it. ive seen people simply shutdown and for the longest time i didnt understand it.
you hear about the term light at the end of the tunnel, now imagine being in the darkness and seeing no way out. its not that they are not strong. i would argue they are stronger. they do have that fighting spirit. but if your body and mind are telling you one thing over and over again it becomes your reality. And why would anyone question their reality?
This. It makes you self loathe even more and wonder why you aren't stronger like every one else and capable of dealing with this. Also it just plainly doesn't work look at suicide statistics if that's what manning up is then I want none of it. Like I used to scoff at toxic masculinity when I first heard it, but I looked into it and realized it isn't an insult it's meant to help us with destructive behavior. Like openly talking about my depression with the normalcy of any other illness felt like such a burden lifted off my shoulders. I didn't have to lie and come up with fake excuses as to why I didn't want to talk or hang out. Repression just doesn't help and really makes you self loathe even more.
The scary part about it is that most of the time, suicidal people are well aware of this. Some of my friends who struggle with this have mentioned several times how the only reason they haven't yet killed themselves is because they don't want to upset people around them and that they are literally counting the years until they no longer have to worry about that. Obviously someone being pushed even further would have a very tenuous connection to that feeling and it wouldn't really stop them, especially if they are struggling with psychosis and/or manic episodes etc.
Thanks tot the unban mods!
English is not my native language, so sorry if it came across wrong. I am genuinely interested in the thought process and i am trying to learn. And with man up, i mean that is what worked for me and i kept telling myself that. I did not mean that is a good approach for everyone going trough depression.
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Yeah, terms like man up or get over it are just so damaging especially when I'm already distressed. Even if they mean well, it feels like a dagger in my sides.
It's important to let people know what's better not to say.
It's important to let people know what's better not to say.
Sure, but it's so widespread exactly because most people never do look into it. They never need to, because as far as mental health is concerned we're just coming out of the dark ages and most people barely recognise it exists. Hell I've had several counselors and doctors say some variation of it to me. So while it hurts, I can't really demonise people who do think like this because I can count the number of friends who have been sensitive about it on 1 hand, even hanging around places like Era.
No i did not mean that, i will try to find a better English words to bring across what i mean. I am not asshole that will try to tell someone with mental issues that they just need to man up. Mu English is pretty good, but sometimes it is difficult to find the right words with such emotional subjects. My post was from my feelings and it seems sometimes the words don't come across that well.
As someone who has had suicidal thoughts, for me it was that i just didnt really enjoy life, or had a huge motivation to keep going and didnt want to have to live until i was 70 or something. I've always had trouble making friends and relationships and just didn't have the motivation to fix all the problems in my head to change things. The thought of being alive that long sounded like torture. The main thing that keeps me going right now is that i dont want my mom to be devestated.
Everyone has different ways to get to that point though. But it generally comes down to not wanting to deal with something anymore, like turning off a video game console when youre tired of the game.
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I understand it a little bit better, so their fight is with themselves and the thoughts they have and their way of thinking if i understand correctly. They are constantly fighting with themselves, that seems really exhausting.
The way I describe it to people is imagine just suddenly not having any motivation. Just everything seems so pointless and you have this constant supply of negativity as your brains first response to anything you can think to do. Things you have always enjoyed just suddenly aren't fun and seem like a total waste and you just don't know how to turn things around at all.
Mmhmm, it was a big reason as to why it took me as long as it did to attempt, it was my main reason for not trying again when released. Their reactions were devastating to me. It's kinda like being at your own funeral with the outpouring of emotion. After that, everyone treats you differently, everyone stops being like they used to. it was only after a couple of years, and finding some peace in myself, that's when people started treating me normally again. That made me happy, but it was a weird time.
I'm not sure you saw it due to your ban, but I replied to your initial post linking to a post of my own that might shed some light on the internal struggles some face.
The internal struggle is just one element of it. Imagine trying to fight against your gut instincts and paranoia constantly, while also having to potentially deal with a demanding job, or an abusive family/friends, or physical symptoms (panic attacks, hallucinations, mood swings, etc), or any other number of things that happen in life. And while this is happening, you more than likely feel like you can't speak to anyone about this inner struggle because you're scared of how they may react, and you feel like no one can possibly understand how you feel, maybe you even feel guilty for pushing your burden onto someone else. It can completely warp how you interact with people, and how you perceive the world around you.
Incredible post Kyuuji, thank you for sharing and I am sorry for your loss. Even after all this time I can imagine it is very difficult to go back to that time mentally, so again thank you.
You are one of my favorite posters on here, I hope you are aware of how much of a valued member of this community you are.
I am very glad to see a open, honest and good faith discussion regarding mental health ongoing in this thread.
In my opinion, it is this type of discussion that needs to occur to eliminate the stigma mental health has.
In terms of mental health, I've experienced depression as a result of Asperger's Syndrome, fortunately, I had a very good support network with my mom as a mental health professional and friends who were always there and listened to me when I needed to get stuff out in the open. I fully understand that not everyone has a great support network which needs to change.
I'm glad that ResetERA has become a support network for many who has mental health struggles and would like to thank everyone who are confident enough to open up and share their struggles with everyone else here on ERA.
In my opinion, it is this type of discussion that needs to occur to eliminate the stigma mental health has.
In terms of mental health, I've experienced depression as a result of Asperger's Syndrome, fortunately, I had a very good support network with my mom as a mental health professional and friends who were always there and listened to me when I needed to get stuff out in the open. I fully understand that not everyone has a great support network which needs to change.
I'm glad that ResetERA has become a support network for many who has mental health struggles and would like to thank everyone who are confident enough to open up and share their struggles with everyone else here on ERA.
I would appreciate it if you could try and clarify that a little better as it really does read like you're saying that you would say that to someone who was struggling with depression or any other mental illness. Even if someone thinks that is a well meaning statement to make, it is an incredibly hurtful one to hear because it really does diminish the realities of what we're going through and just how much we're struggling to stay strong every day.
You probably don't know me, but I'm a transwoman who grew up in a small town in the state of Georgia. It was a very conservative place that made me feel unsafe to be who I was on a consistent basis. However, I managed to carve out a friend group during that time that I felt were more liberal, more accepting, and hopefully more understanding of the struggles that everyone goes through. There were many times that I would take a look at how society treats trans people, how I felt about myself and my own body, with a sprinkle of sexual harassment and assault in High School and felt that things were hopeless. It's hard to explain just how much it hurts to see the whole world despise you for just existing, but these feelings would often make me suicidal. There were times that I would try to open up to people in my friend group about these feelings, and I was met with some of the statements I mentioned before.
"Just man up"
"If you were serious about this, you would have done it instead of talking to us"
"Just do it already then"
I took the time to open up about serious traumas in my life, my fears about the future and present, and the horrors that I went through all in a place where I was already uncomfortable just existing only to be met with those responses when I desperately needed support. Those responses hurt because they make us feel like the people that we're opening up to are taking our feelings when we're in a vulnerable moment and just throwing them back in our face and saying that they don't matter. That we're weak. That we need to just be strong like everyone else. After I got these responses a couple of times, I just stopped reaching out for help because it was painful to get responses like this from people I trusted and I also didn't want to be a burden on them when I could tell it was bothering them.
A couple of years after I graduated from High School, I was a lot like Etika was here. I wasn't some famous Youtube with an audience, but I was self destructive and desperate to push people away so that they couldn't hurt me. The feelings that I had in High School never subsided because I felt I couldn't talk about them, and only compounded as I became more and more isolated. There were a lot of nights where I would have a knife held to my wrist and sit there for hours struggling between going through with or not, but thankfully I never did. I have largely moved past those feelings now thanks to some wonderful people I met in this community, but it took years of bouncing between communities and suffering because of comments like those and the lack of anyone to talk to about what was going on.
I don't know if people saying "Just man up" really have any negative intentions or not, but it is incredibly hurtful to see and I really hope that you don't say that to others if someone opens up to you. You may never know the full story of what someone is going through, but a lot of people who are struggling with mental health have been suffering for a long time and they aren't failing to get better because they're weak, or not manly, or anything like that. But simply because we do a poor job of providing positive avenues for people to find help
Wowwwwwwww.. I legit just discovered this guy streaming the last Pokemon direct thingy.. Just like that, gone. So sad. RIP man!
I am sorry for my wording, i did mean it to come across that way. It was something i told my self and how i pulled strength out of myself, like the hyping up before a sports game. The feeling to be strong enough to conquer this world and that nothing or nobody will bring me down including my own thoughts. I meant it like that, it seems some took it the wrong way.
I am glad you are still around and i can say with good faith, your future kids will be glad to have you! I can not phantom to think what i would have missed if i went to a bad place so many years ago. Thanks for sharing your story.
I understand what you are saying. My father is like that, even when on his worst he always had the will to fight. In my case, I've been on both sides I guess... There are times where I've had that will even when I felt worse than ever and I can undestand what you are saying. But also, in other times I've felt like just.. why bother trying.. just give up. And when your mind gets into that mindset, you can no longer think clearly, your thought process of "keep fighting" doenst work anymore, it doenst even cross your mind. Imagine trying to deal with anything that happened to you but without being allowed to think like that..
It was a bad choice of words to get across a feeling. I would never say something like that, when i need to convey an emotion or experiences it is difficult to find to words. You don't know me personally, so i cant expect you to believe me. All that i can say is i am sorry, the last thing i wanted is to offend anyone.
I was banned in the other thread for wrongfully blurting out that etika wasn't worthy of empathy since all I could think about was the negative reports of the things he said and did. In fact, that was all I was exposed to when it came to him. I didn't watch his content and didn't follow his struggles. The way I knew of him was from sources that were trying to tear him down, and well that easily became my opinion too since many things I read were upsetting to me.
He never seemed mentally ill though from the distance I was seeing him at. I just saw him as excruciatingly immature to the point where I thought he was a stunted Youtuber looking for any attention and not aware of how he was impacting others in his worse moments. And also as nothing more than a character he plays known as "etika" .... which made it hard to see him as the actual person, Desmond, that was burning himself to the ground as a cry for help. So many of us made this mistake and I really wish I could have seen through him to know he was actually a good guy going through an inner struggle.
Hearing about his death was very sad and I regret the negative feelings I had towards him when he was alive. I knew little about him, but social media makes it that you know just enough about the person to hate them if nothing else. I'm really sorry I fell into that cycle of thinking with etika, who needed help and ended up being taken by such negativity. But I'm going to be better towards others in these situations, I just hope his suicide reached others to change them in the same.
He never seemed mentally ill though from the distance I was seeing him at. I just saw him as excruciatingly immature to the point where I thought he was a stunted Youtuber looking for any attention and not aware of how he was impacting others in his worse moments. And also as nothing more than a character he plays known as "etika" .... which made it hard to see him as the actual person, Desmond, that was burning himself to the ground as a cry for help. So many of us made this mistake and I really wish I could have seen through him to know he was actually a good guy going through an inner struggle.
Hearing about his death was very sad and I regret the negative feelings I had towards him when he was alive. I knew little about him, but social media makes it that you know just enough about the person to hate them if nothing else. I'm really sorry I fell into that cycle of thinking with etika, who needed help and ended up being taken by such negativity. But I'm going to be better towards others in these situations, I just hope his suicide reached others to change them in the same.
In my defense I said bye to that person pre ban. If that is indeed what happened to them. Was not meant as a gloat; was meant as, we don't need toxic, ill informed, in compassionate people on our forum. And hopefully a mod would see it.
YOUR plight? Telling me to piss off because I don't understand?
I have social avoidance anxiety, you jerk. So don't act like you're talking to someone trying act woke.
You think he shouldn't be banned? Fine whatever. I think it was justifiable because I've heard it all before. Those who usually say man up usually aren't willing to learn. And I'm not gonna ruin my mind to see who's sincere and learning and who isn't.
Also so much for asking for sympathy only to tell someone else to piss off.
Thank you for this. People owning up to their mistakes is something that is way too rare. On Era as well.
I literally cried this morning. This hits close to home. Being a black man, society expects you to not show any sign of vulnerability or mental instability. I know what it's like to deal with depression and self hatred.
I watched his final video too...
Rest in peace
I watched his final video too...
Rest in peace
Dude had a lot to say and got banned (now rescinded, fair enough) almost straight away because of a buzz phrase. It's an unhelpful one for sure, but it being like a red rag to a bull and worthy of a straight up ban? Not for me. People are allowed to be hurt, to not like the phrase, entirely understandable. But that kind of outright dismissing everything and being hostile because of problematic things is why the original etika thread was such a mess in the first place.
People like to use "attention-seeking" as a derogatory term when it really shouldn't be.
Thanks for owning your mistakes
Thank you for sharing this. I relate to it a lot.
You're right, people need to stop shaming suicidal thoughts or people and saying "well, it's not serious until you ACTUALLY try to take your own life." That just leads to suicidal people becoming more isolated and more tempted and shamed by their thoughts.
I didnt know him, anything, never saw his videos but 29 is far too young. It is old enough to have experienced the struggle and without support mental health problems would doom anyone, no matter how strong they think they are.
Fucking embarrassment the shit that has gone on in these threads, I ve been away, just catching up. Good on the people trying to close some humanity back into this discussion but I'd advise anyone suffering to not visit threads like this in the future and just stay to to safer places on Era. Mentally ill or disabled gamer? Don't bring it to gaming OT, ever. I'm livid.
Edit: Fuck you all who downplay mental health issues on era. FUCK. YOU. ALL. NOW. AND. FOREVER. You don't know SHIT shitstains.
Fucking embarrassment the shit that has gone on in these threads, I ve been away, just catching up. Good on the people trying to close some humanity back into this discussion but I'd advise anyone suffering to not visit threads like this in the future and just stay to to safer places on Era. Mentally ill or disabled gamer? Don't bring it to gaming OT, ever. I'm livid.
Edit: Fuck you all who downplay mental health issues on era. FUCK. YOU. ALL. NOW. AND. FOREVER. You don't know SHIT shitstains.
Thank you for sharing this, it was incredibly brave to do so.
The highlighted sentence is the big problem I have with ResetEra, Reddit, and these other big forum spaces. These are toxic communities because people create VERY decisive, extreme opinions of people they knew VERY little about. With people we know in real life, we often create nuance. For example, I love my mother, but there are also many things I have trouble forgiving her for (like her making my life miserable when I came out as gay). There is tremendous nuance and complexity in our relationship. I love her more than anything and yet she has caused me some of the biggest betrayal and pain in my life. Same with my spouse, I treasure him but he cheated on me 3 weeks into our relationship. Life and relationships are complex and nuanced.
On here you get none of that nuance. Someone reads an article where a YouTube celebrity says the "f___t" word in a manic episode and that person is now suddenly an evil, "canceled" person that needs to be mocked, hated, and labeled from then on. Almost 3 decades of life off the computer is not even able to be assessed properly. All that matters is the negative snapshots gobbled by the online channels. Even though using the f___t word is hateful and wrong, the internet and its gazing scrutiny has no time for nuance and complexity, it is instead immediately judgmental. One time I posted here that my dog doesn't like going on walks, and I got called a dog abuser or not taking him out on walks multiple times a day. This person knew nothing about my life nor the fact that my dog had heartworms and vets orders to NOT do exercise, now I'm a dog abuser because of one poster being the judge and jury of my life. Multiply that audience by thousands, and I can see why Etika felt trapped and shamed by a community that should have handled him differently considering he was both suicidal AND bipolar.
Just take a look at some of the threads here. Someone asks for advice and posts an OP with a limited summary of information and posters immediately scrutinize and judge every detail looking for thread backfire fodder and reasons to "gotcha" the OP.
It's so absurd. I don't expect communities to become non-toxic overnight so my best solution is just to remain very private, vague, and low-stress in topics on the internet, because it gets very ugly here and elsewhere
Era is toxic as fuck. It's why I mostly joke post and PC gaming post and joke on Fridays.
You should probably look at some of the usernames you're making generalizations about. The people who were saying the mods should take mental health concerns seriously are not the same people who think that there's nothing wrong with telling people to "man up." Which is obvious if you don't view everything that happens on this forum as being part of only a larger conspiracy.
Certainly there are bad actors involved in this discussion taking advantage of actual problems to air their bullshit grievances, but that's not the only thing that's happening by any stretch. Yet the only interactions you've had in this thread so far is to not actually engage with the posts from the people who are really trying to discuss and instead cast large (repeated) aspersions over the intentions of anyone who has a criticism. If anyone is not actually engaging with the thread in good faith, it's you.
Basically you know that you don't really believe the bad things you're thinking, but you can't stop the thoughts from happening. And you have to tell yourself, constantly, that you don't believe them, to fight those impulses and worries, and it is really, really exhausting, yes. There aren't always bad days, but sometimes that makes you feel worse when they happen. You were having so many good days and you blame yourself when the bad ones happen because you thought you were "better." And sometimes it's hard to be sure you know who the real you is anymore. Are you the positive part of yourself you think is you or is the negative part the real you if it's around so often? You want to believe it isn't, but seeing other people not have to face these things or making you feel like you're not trying hard enough can make that harder to know for sure. It's why people reacted to words like yours so strongly. A lot of people with mental illness already feel a lot of guilt over not overcoming it on our own, which isn't really even possible.
Really good of you to come back to the thread and try to understand. Seriously.
Same. I've been here, in some regards I still am. I cried, legit. Dude isolated everyone he cared about, my situation is I never had anyone to begin with. Just hits me really fucking close to home. We are both the same age, similar interests, black men that have to deal with the side effects toxic masculinity and systemic racism bring. Making close friends and networking with non blacks has always been extremely difficult and challenging. I've thus just stopped, life is lonely. Poor etika could have rebuilt his image and brand, but its always gonna be harder when you're black
As sad as this is to see, I'm more baffled at the people trying to look for "culprits" of his death. I have even seen people on Twitter pointing fingers and literally blaming ERA admins for "killing Etika" for allowing "hive-minded views". I don't understand why people do this to themselves. I know when a loved/appreciated one dies some people need to jump right onto looking for responsibilities, but always point to the wrong places amid the heat of the moment. Don't be that person. Let authorities work tru it and keep in mind how much people get hurt in these situations to be throwing around accusations.
This was all avoidable and it's a shame. I personally hope this situation teach some people about mental health and to take it seriously. My main advice for people struggling with it, or having a close one in that situation, is, besides seeking help, just bail out of all social media. Don't let the person even reach a computer or cellphone without someone by their side. As useful as Twitter can be, for example, we all know already how nightmarish it can become really fast.
I went through something similar a year ago, I got canceled for stupid shit I said some years ago and my career just ended. Nothing really worrisome or threating, just my silly damaged self talking non-sense, especially being under the influence of alcohol. I did what was right and I apologized for behavior, owned my act and bailed out of social media and my job back there. A lot of people who barely knew me started fabricated lies and scrutiny everything about myself and that truly sucked. Best thing I did was to just disappear off the vast majority of the internet and not care about what people say, because they clearly aren't caring about me. A total social media blackout was for the best and now I try to share as little as possible about my current life on the Internet, because at the end of the day, with all this outrage culture, is not worth it. I learned to value my life a lot more and not let the Internet control me and that's been a life changing experience for the better. I'm in a better place now, I'm a better person and it's great to feel like that and never look back. Your post hit home for me, so thanks for sharing your experience.
This was all avoidable and it's a shame. I personally hope this situation teach some people about mental health and to take it seriously. My main advice for people struggling with it, or having a close one in that situation, is, besides seeking help, just bail out of all social media. Don't let the person even reach a computer or cellphone without someone by their side. As useful as Twitter can be, for example, we all know already how nightmarish it can become really fast.
I went through something similar a year ago, I got canceled for stupid shit I said some years ago and my career just ended. Nothing really worrisome or threating, just my silly damaged self talking non-sense, especially being under the influence of alcohol. I did what was right and I apologized for behavior, owned my act and bailed out of social media and my job back there. A lot of people who barely knew me started fabricated lies and scrutiny everything about myself and that truly sucked. Best thing I did was to just disappear off the vast majority of the internet and not care about what people say, because they clearly aren't caring about me. A total social media blackout was for the best and now I try to share as little as possible about my current life on the Internet, because at the end of the day, with all this outrage culture, is not worth it. I learned to value my life a lot more and not let the Internet control me and that's been a life changing experience for the better. I'm in a better place now, I'm a better person and it's great to feel like that and never look back. Your post hit home for me, so thanks for sharing your experience.
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For all the drama and awful circumstances involved, I'd like to say I'm at least thankful for people elaborating on their honest concerns regarding this forum. In particular, I'd never heard of "cancel culture" until this thread and it's definitely having me think twice on those who made similar mistakes; unfortunately, I've fallen into that mentality more than once. Much as I pride myself on my morality, it's very easy to get caught up in the social media age of mob mentality and exposure.
I desperately wish things could've worked out for Etika, but for those frustrated with this forum, take comfort in knowing you've inspired those like me to second-guess themselves and apply more measured judgment for the future.
I desperately wish things could've worked out for Etika, but for those frustrated with this forum, take comfort in knowing you've inspired those like me to second-guess themselves and apply more measured judgment for the future.