Online dating as a POC kinda sucks

jwk94 · Feb 20, 2018

So, I just signed up for Match.com. For those of you who don't know, Match asks you about your preferences in an SO. One of these preferences includes racial background. The amount of times I've gone through a girl's profile and been like "huh, she seems cool" only to hit the point where her interests include "white/caucasian" is infuriating. This wouldn't be so bad if I could filter out those people by either taking them out of the equation entirely or letting me see people who are only interested in black people, but nah that's not an option for some reason.

Hell, OKCupid at least had an option to filter out those kinds of people, although you had to pay to enable that.

Then there are people who are interested in black dudes but only for the sex. Like, that's cool and all if that's your thing, but I'd rather not be your fetish if I'm actually looking for a partner.

I said POC in the title, but I honestly don't know how it is for any other non-black people out there. So, other POC how has your online dating experience been?

hydrophilic attack · Feb 20, 2018

seems like black men have it bad but Asian men and black women have it worse

according to this you should have more luck with black women. is that your experience?

i dunno, match.com always came off to me as the whitest of white sites. i'd use other ones if i were a poc

Commander Jameson · Feb 20, 2018

I had very similar experiences with OKCupid and other sites too. It was extremely disheartening.

sibarraz · Feb 20, 2018

hydrophilic attack said:

Wow, even black men rate black women lowly.

Is stupid that you can filter through race, at least on things like Tinder you don't have that option (Unless in the USA you can, if I'm not wrong there you can look for transgender people, while where I live you can only choose between men and women, so it wouldn't surprise me that there you have more filter options)

The Masked Mufti · Feb 20, 2018

As a desi I know the feeling bruh. Had to go back to chatting up girls at the uni library (surely my uni isn't the only where the library is used to hook up)

Deleted member 279 · Feb 20, 2018

Now imagine being both not-white and short

IRL I have great luck dating but I have literally never had a woman show interest in me through the internet

Daisya · Feb 20, 2018

I wonder if that data on the chart has changed much since then.

baron doggystyle von woof · Feb 20, 2018

hydrophilic attack said:
seems like black men have it bad but Asian men and black women have it worse

according to this you should have more luck with black women. is that your experience?

i dunno, match.com always came off to me as the whitest of white sites. i'd use other ones if i were a poc

Black men are picky af.

Commander Jameson · Feb 20, 2018

nando said:
Now imagine being both not-white and short

IRL I have great luck dating but I have literally never had a woman show interest in me through the internet

Yes. I had that. 5' 3" and brown. Not a great combo.

Luckily, I found one woman who was interested online and we are still together nearly five years later.

Abu · Feb 20, 2018

I personally haven't had much trouble, but I've read/seen what other folks go through with online dating. It ain't easy that's for sure, it's brutal out there lol, especially for poc

DosaDaRaja · Feb 20, 2018

Brown guy, live in Delhi, and have found that I get more matches outside India (USA, UK, Thailand) than in here, even though I wear a turban and am a visible religious minority, so dunno.

Ronin7th · Feb 20, 2018

jwk94 said:
So, I just signed up for Match.com. For those of you who don't know, Match asks you about your preferences in an SO. One of these preferences includes racial background. The amount of times I've gone through a girl's profile and been like "huh, she seems cool" only to hit the point where her interests include "white/caucasian" is infuriating. This wouldn't be so bad if I could filter out those people by either taking them out of the equation entirely or letting me see people who are only interested in black people, but nah that's not an option for some reason.

Hell, OKCupid at least had an option to filter out those kinds of people, although you had to pay to enable that.

Then there are people who are interested in black dudes but only for the sex. Like, that's cool and all if that's your thing, but I'd rather not be your fetish if I'm actually looking for a partner.

I said POC in the title, but I honestly don't know how it is for any other non-black people out there. So, other POC how has your online dating experience been?

I've had shitty experiences dating online as well. My great-grandmother on my father's side was white and my mother is very fair and Nigerian. I'm quite light-skinned as well but would consider myself black not mixed (maybe mistakenly). I used to get peppered with messages telling me I wasn't black by black women. The same fetishised messages from white women, and a number saying "at least you don't look black black". Totally ignored by asian women as well. But honestly man, there's someone that will love you for you. Keep ya head up!

Pall Mall · Feb 20, 2018

nando said:
Now imagine being both not-white and short

IRL I have great luck dating but I have literally never had a woman show interest in me through the internet

Yep, have the same experiences. Made me feel pretty damn bad about myself when I tried online dating and took my awhile to realize its just wasn't the right playground.

entremet · Feb 20, 2018

Haven't had too many issues. Don't let online dating be a crutch, though. Mix it up with other methods--Meetups, Speed dating, your own network. Online dating can develop a commodity mindset in people, where people are just a entree on a menu or something.

Warbear · Feb 20, 2018

It really does suck. Apparently, you need to be at the top end of the spectrum (money, height and good looking) before non-poc would even consider you.

Carfo · Feb 20, 2018

Has to look up what POC was. Never heard of that term before. Is that just a general term for non white or does it only refer to African Americans ?

atomsk eater · Feb 20, 2018

I feel like I lucked out, as a black woman dating online is supposed to be particularly hard but I found a really great guy in a chat that wasn't even about hooking up. Almost everything I read about using dating websites sounds like a big challenge with a lot of effort spent weeding out fuckbois/girls, bots, crazy people, etc. Pretty stupid match doesn't have a way to remove people who aren't interested in your race from searches.

Carfo said:
Has to look up what POC was. Never heard of that term before. Is that just a general term for non white or does it only refer to African Americans ?

It's a catch all term for anyone that isn't white. I don't like it that much since it creates a dichotomy where there's white people and then everyone else, but it is easier than typing up every racial or ethnic group and sounds a little better than "non-white people" or whatever else people would use instead.

Certinfy · Feb 20, 2018

This is why I'll never really try online dating as an Asian, feels more disheartening than anything. Just go out and meet women in person in whatever way you can, seems like a far better plan.

hydrophilic attack · Feb 20, 2018

DosaDaRaja said:
Brown guy, live in Delhi, and have found that I get more matches outside India (USA, UK, Thailand) than in here, even though I wear a turban and am a visible religious minority, so dunno.

Are you using Tinder? Their algorithm shows you to more people when you're abroad

DosaDaRaja · Feb 20, 2018

hydrophilic attack said:
Are you using Tinder? Their algorithm shows you to more people when you're abroad

Nah, Happn as well

ahoyhoy · Feb 20, 2018

baron doggystyle von woof said:
Black men are picky af.

It's the opposite actually. Black men have the lowest difference between the scores of all four races meaning they have the most equal preference to everyone compared to other groups.

Hobbesian Thudercat · Feb 20, 2018

I knew it would be this way, long before articles started popping up regarding the phenomenon, which is why I've stayed far away. Not only does the very notion of online dating annoy me, but it can both wreck your confidence and give you a false impression of what your potential spectrum for partners are. As a black male, I've dated a lot of women outside my race - white women in particular - and in most cases, I'm usually the first black guy they've been with. I've literally been with women that told me they'd never considered being with a black guy before. That's because, yeah, while they might hold bigoted views and preconceived notions about POC, and tell themselves they wouldn't date outside their race - most times, it just takes being approached by the right type of guy in the real world for them to open their minds up to it. By conversing with those women, I've been able to show them how relatable I am to them, which opened them up to being attracted to me. On an app, those same women would block/swipe me without a second thought.

Dating apps don't allow any type of impressions to be made outside of how you look, so it's a losing battle if you're a POC with broad tastes. I see it as a phenomenon for white people, period. Engaging people in the real world is more fundamentally human anyway, so if you can, please do that, and don't let the app site statistics get you down.

Stitches · Feb 20, 2018

That's really stupid that you can't filter those people out. There's literally no reason for you to see them if they aren't interested in you.

Groof · Feb 20, 2018

i was once asked if i didn't have any isis meetings to attend

Deleted member 19721 · Feb 20, 2018

Hobbesian Thudercat said:
I see it as a phenomenon for white people, period.

i dunno. seems like asian women do ok too.

Robin · Feb 20, 2018

I find the idea of writing "Caucasian only" or similar disturbing. Like, to instinctively left swipe people of certain minority groups is skeevy to begin with but like, the idea of actually broadcasting "whites only" is yucky as fuck. I'm sorry you guys have to deal with that.

To the people writing off online dating altogether, idk, I've had good luck with it? A couple hook ups and a few relationships. Being trans on these things is it's own can of worms, although it also has it's advantages compared to meeting someone at a bar or party or whatever (easier to meet other LGBT). Speaking of do people actually go to bars and clubs to meet people? The idea seems so foreign to me.

Air · Feb 20, 2018

Yes it's bad. Do what I do. Go meet people in person and either forget online dating or have it be a supplement to your dating life

Deleted member 9241 · Feb 20, 2018

Circa 2000ish, I used to absolutely dominate online dating. I went on a new date whenever I wanted (ie: could afford). It's how I met my wife!

Today I'm a 43 year old white dude with 2 kids. I'm sure the online dating world would not be the green pastures I remember so fondly lol.

My keys to success back then were simple. I never asked for a picture. I wrote a personalized introduction for each girl I was interested in. I asked questions outside of what was on our compatibility test. These were what was the last book you read, CD you bought, movie you watched at the theater, and concert you attended. Bam. Instant engagement. I had a virtually 100% response rate back then. Obviously, things have changed so much now that my winning technique isn't even an option.

Anyway, one of my favorite things about blind dates was having no idea what she was going to look like. Fat, skinny, black, white, hot, ugly, whatever. It was the connection on paper that was always my jumping off point. My requirements were that she have a job, college education, non smoker, and have her own car. I let the rest of the chips fall where they may.

Today's Internet dating seems like a meat market with little to no subtlety. I think a lot of people fall through the cracks in this environment.

Btw, the site I used was called Sparkmatch. It was free back then, but later became OkCupid.

Sakujou · Feb 20, 2018

i would say, online dating in general simply sucks.
i never had any matches, ever. okcupid, tinder and whatsoever. for some days i even thought my phone is broken, because all my ugly, but white friends got matches.

but well this is how it is, PoC means, you wont have luck.

thetrin · Feb 20, 2018

Being an Indian guy, it's a total nightmare. I fucking hate it.

jakeh111 · Feb 20, 2018

I'll say this as a white dude on OKC, if I see someone answer the question that they only want to date someone of their own race I pass on them. These people are fucked up.

WrenchNinja · Feb 20, 2018

It is really disheartening sometimes.

Heart of Poumn · Feb 20, 2018

jakeh111 said:
I'll say this as a white dude on OKC, if I see someone answer the question that they only want to date someone of their own race I pass on them. These people are fucked up.

That one question filtered out so many people for me. That and the wanting children the same race as their own question.

Ary F. · Feb 20, 2018

Can't say the same. I met my current boyfriend via online dating. Literally met him on my first try.

Tuck · Feb 20, 2018

I know your pain OP. It hurts.

So many times I'll see a profile and think "wow our interests match exactly, and he's good looking." but then I see his answer to his racial preferences and die a little inside

Hobbesian Thudercat said:
I knew it would be this way, long before articles started popping up regarding the phenomenon, which is why I've stayed far away. Not only does the very notion of online dating annoy me, but it can both wreck your confidence and give you a false impression of what your potential spectrum for partners are. As a black male, I've dated a lot of women outside my race - white women in particular - and in most cases, I'm usually the first black guy they've been with. I've literally been with women that told me they'd never considered being with a black guy before. That's because, yeah, while they might hold bigoted views and preconceived notions about POC, and tell themselves they wouldn't date outside their race - most times, it just takes being approached by the right type of guy in the real world for them to open their minds up to it. By conversing with those women, I've been able to show them how relatable I am to them, which opened them up to being attracted to me. On an app, those same women would block/swipe me without a second thought.

Dating apps don't allow any type of impressions to be made outside of how you look, so it's a losing battle if you're a POC with broad tastes. I see it as a phenomenon for white people, period. Engaging people in the real world is more fundamentally human anyway, so if you can, please do that, and don't let the app site statistics get you down.

Excellent post.

Kthulhu · Feb 20, 2018

Hobbesian Thudercat said:
I knew it would be this way, long before articles started popping up regarding the phenomenon, which is why I've stayed far away. Not only does the very notion of online dating annoy me, but it can both wreck your confidence and give you a false impression of what your potential spectrum for partners are. As a black male, I've dated a lot of women outside my race - white women in particular - and in most cases, I'm usually the first black guy they've been with. I've literally been with women that told me they'd never considered being with a black guy before. That's because, yeah, while they might hold bigoted views and preconceived notions about POC, and tell themselves they wouldn't date outside their race - most times, it just takes being approached by the right type of guy in the real world for them to open their minds up to it. By conversing with those women, I've been able to show them how relatable I am to them, which opened them up to being attracted to me. On an app, those same women would block/swipe me without a second thought.

Dating apps don't allow any type of impressions to be made outside of how you look, so it's a losing battle if you're a POC with broad tastes. I see it as a phenomenon for white people, period. Engaging people in the real world is more fundamentally human anyway, so if you can, please do that, and don't let the app site statistics get you down.

I didn't know how my girlfriend looked until weeks after we started talking. I probably wouldn't have given her a second chance if we had met on tinder. (I'm referring to overall appearance in my case, not race)

IMO I think someone should make a dating site where you don't see a picture of your matches and can't send photos. That way if you hit it off it's because of their personality.

Edit: that one isn't free internet. If you make that idea successful I want 10%

Lost · Feb 20, 2018

jakeh111 said:
I'll say this as a white dude on OKC, if I see someone answer the question that they only want to date someone of their own race I pass on them. These people are fucked up.

There's nothing wrong with having a dating preference. Don't put people down just because of what they're physically attracted to.

That is "fucked up"

litebrite · Feb 20, 2018

OP, why would you be infuriated that some women labeled their interest as "White/Caucasion"? If anything it saves you time rather than wasting it on somebody who was never going to give you theirs.

StallionDan · Feb 20, 2018

Online dating sucks in general, even normal people turn super shallow.

Living the Dream · Feb 20, 2018

I'm a 33 year old 6'1" blonde hair blue eye average build Caucasian male with a net worth over $1m and online dating flat out sucked.

I don't miss it at all. It ain't you bro. It's the whole system. I ended up dating the cheerleading captain of the Tennessee Titans who I met in the real world.

Fuck online dating.

semitry · Feb 20, 2018

StallionDan said:
Online dating sucks in general, even normal people turn super shallow.

People are shallow, online dating saves you time as you know what people are interested in and you don't have to waste your time.

Crocodilelogic · Feb 20, 2018

Lost said:
There's nothing wrong with having a dating preference. Don't put people down just because of what they're physically attracted to.

That is "fucked up"

Nah ruling out a whole group of people due to skin color is definitely racist. How can you be sure out of all the poc in the world you won't find any of them attractive?

This is so rampant in the gay community it disgusts me.

Daysean · Feb 20, 2018

Lost said:
There's nothing wrong with having a dating preference. Don't put people down just because of what they're physically attracted to.

That is "fucked up"

Nah, not wanting to date someone outside of your race sounds fucked up tbh

Deleted member 27995 · Feb 20, 2018

Based on that OKCupid chart, my first thought was "So how do I sign-up to be white". lmao.

Feel ya pain brah

Living the Dream · Feb 20, 2018

Daysean said:
Nah, not wanting to date someone outside of your race sounds fucked up tbh

Not at all.

Lost · Feb 20, 2018

Daysean said:
Nah, not wanting to date someone outside of your race sounds fucked up tbh

People can have a dating preference for whatever they like.

It can be you opinion to say it's fucked up, but it's factually not.

TheGhost · Feb 20, 2018

You can't force people to be attracted to everyone.
When it comes to relationships and dating it's the pickiest place in the world, especially online dating because there is zero reason to settle when there is always something better the next aisle over. People are looking for "the one" it's laughable.

But end of the day you have your dating preferences. I swipe left on heavy people ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ I swipe left on women taller than me, I swipe left for a multitude of reasons because I can't help what I'm attracted to.

ViewtifulJC · Feb 20, 2018

If it makes you feel better OP, I found my fiancee on Match about a year ago, and we're both black.

Fallout-NL · Feb 20, 2018

Groof said:
i was once asked if i didn't have any isis meetings to attend

Dude :(

litebrite · Feb 20, 2018

Crocodilelogic said:
Nah ruling out a whole group of people due to skin color is definitely racist. How can you be sure out of all the poc in the world you won't find any of them attractive?

This is so rampant in the gay community it disgusts me.

People rule out groups of people for a number of arbitrary reasons, why would race or skin color be any different?

Online dating as a POC kinda sucks

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