Online dating as a POC kinda sucks

Dating as a POC in a world where large sectionns still have standards of beauty centered around whiteness sucks, offline or online. And occasionally you will run into people who are strait racist. Odds are , unless that person is on some "I secretly date whoever types shit " ( and even then why would you do that to your self esteem. You didn't really have a chance, I mean i'm not saying it doesn't suck or hurt, make you feel bad. I'm not even saying it shouldn't some time, a world that constantly tells you , you aren't good enough because you look the way you look is depressing and its ok to express that sentiment. I'm not as militant as JC , I don't think that approach is reasonable , and being too militant in this regard is kinda missing the systemic problem Forrest for the bootstrap trees . That said, you kind of have to deal.Its the world we live in and understanding it allows someone to navigate it.

Along with race there are people who won't date you for a myriad of reasons. Some that require self reflection and improvement if deemed beneficiary and some are....really really fucking stupid. Sometimes people dont date you because they ascertained a feeling about you with in... minutes of meeting you. Sometimes that is a flight or fight response and its valid. Sometimes , you said you like X and that turned them off.

You just gotta present a good version of yourself going forward and improve yourself, because in reality life is just a chaotic mess, and you are just navigating it. Whether it be people in the dating scene or... just navigating the problems of the day to day. And while we should be having larger discussions as to why johnny doesn't like black girls, in the meaning time loosing sleep over johnny isn't going to help much.

That's my two cents I guess. I dunno, i'm gonna go play an mmo or somethin





I would like to hear your experiences if you are willing to share them. I can only offer my perspective as a black guy. With a weird name



The racism I see in LGBTQ communities is a strange thing to observe
Yeah, we're unfortunately not as much of a big happy family as we should be. Combine that with the way app design sort of encourages an inpersonal approach to interacting with others and you've got a storm brewing.
 

Beefy

Community Resettler
Member
Oct 25, 2017
15,633
In the U.S. if you live around the big cities that are diverse, Los Angeles, Bay Area, New York, etc. it should not be a problem. If you look decent, you will get matches generally.
Yeah more diverse places in US would be easier, but here in the UK it doesn't matter. I live in a town that is 90% white, fuck I have only seen more than 10 black people at once watching BP and family meet ups. But like I said earlier, we get the black skin fetish way too much here
 
Nov 17, 2017
8,859
nah, people have to live the culture and not just talk about it. Going over to abuelita's house to have menudo, enchiladas with all of the family is a different experience than going to Becky's parents house to have meatloaf.
Uh, but aren't you Mexican too? Unless I misunderstood you, couldn't you still bring your kids to your abuelita's house for enchiladas? I don't really see how them having a mother of another race would prevent you from having them live your culture.

White girls generally arent attracted to people of color. there is nothing wrong with that.
Have you ever thought about why that might be? Not just from white women to black men but between many different races. I think it's a topic people don't like to dig into because it's uncomfortable. It reveals some of the ingrained prejudices you have based on culture, race, history, etc.

If you think calling it out will change things than, like I said, go right ahead, however I don't think it's that easy because people are still growing up witihin a system that shapes and influences their preferences
And we're perpetuating it by accepting that it's something that can't change. Of course it's not easy. Never said it was. It's not going to erase racism in a night. But it's better than nothing.
 

Village

Member
Oct 25, 2017
8,921
nah, people have to live the culture and not just talk about it. Going over to abuelita's house to have menudo, enchiladas with all of the family is a different experience than going to Becky's parents house to have meatloaf.
I'm can't relate. No uh seriously.

As a black guy at least in my experience , who's culture is kind of built around how their culture is stolen from them... I don't understand why you can't just communicate your culture to another people. I'm not saying my peoples experience makes me more receptive to other cultures or somethin. But I dunno, while I can't literally be in your shoes all your life, I can understand when you tell me about it. And i'm sure others could to
 
Dec 18, 2017
2,697
Not really. Even at clubs, meetups or when I was in college, I received same ignorant attitudes as I have seen online. There is a little more guess work involved sometimes because people don't choose to be blatant about their preferences, but over time it becomes clear.
I can definitely see this being true in a more reserved interaction, but have some difficulty accepting it if flirting is going on. Like, if you are giving and getting innuendos, or exchanging physical contact, shouldn't that be a good sign that the person won't later be revealed as a racist?

Even if that is not the case, being outside should still increase your chance of finding a compatible partner.
 

Lat

Banned
Oct 25, 2017
2,322
Uh, but aren't you Mexican too? Unless I misunderstood you, couldn't you still bring your kids to your abuelita's house for enchiladas? I don't really see how them having a mother of another race would prevent you from having them live your culture.


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i am, but having my wife being Mexican helps even more without the chance of losing it. My grandma is not doing very well, but my wife's grandma is doing great and we go over there a lot. Same with my parents and her parents.
 

PhaZe 5

Member
Oct 27, 2017
2,323
You're at a disadvantage, but it's definitely not impossible. I've met some pretty great white gals through online dating as a black guy, one of which was a two year relationship. The hit rate is higher with black women of course, and you can also aim higher in the looks department. If I'm honest, finding quality black women is so much easier that it's really just been my preference of late.
 

Lulu

Member
Oct 25, 2017
9,685
As a 6 foot tall very attractive Latino living in NYC, online dating has been very very much kind to me.
 

litebrite

Member
Oct 27, 2017
10,906
And we're perpetuating it by accepting that it's something that can't change. Of course it's not easy. Never said it was. It's not going to erase racism in a night. But it's better than nothing.
I think there are more productive and long lasting ways to change it than calling people who only date a certain race or exclude a certain race racist, but that's just me.
 

Halcy Caritas

Member
Oct 26, 2017
135
As a tall , lightskinned Black man, I can attest to this. Heightism and Colorism are just as pervasive.
I concur as a taller gay Asian man who is often perceived as mixed with either Latino or white (I'm full Asian). It's amazing how many more people hit me up when I don't include my race as opposed to having it show as Asian.
 

Lat

Banned
Oct 25, 2017
2,322
I'm can't relate. No uh seriously.

As a black guy at least in my experience , who's culture is kind of built around how their culture is stolen from them... I don't understand why you can't just communicate your culture to another people. I'm not saying my peoples experience makes me more receptive to other cultures or somethin. But I dunno, while I can't literally be in your shoes all your life, I can understand when you tell me about it. And i'm sure others could to
Like I explained before, it's a culture that's hard to talk about. You have to live it from the everyday life as an Latino to growing up with a extremely tight knit family. That's a bond you can't just explain. People can understand, nod their heads and all that jazz, but it's not the same. Not the same when I can take a quick flight to Chihuahua to visit relatives and show my kids the Mexican way of life. How a family bond is so tight that it's rarely broken.
 

RM8

Member
Oct 28, 2017
4,415
JP
i am, but having my wife being Mexican helps even more without the chance of losing it. My grandma is not doing very well, but my wife's grandma is doing great and we go over there a lot. Same with my parents and her parents.
How about a culturally-Mexican person who happens to be of a different ethnicity?

I have cousins who were born in Mexico, live in Mexico, speak chilango Spanish, eat tlacoyos and enfrijoladas - but are ethnically Japanese.
 

Village

Member
Oct 25, 2017
8,921
Like I explained before, it's a culture that's hard to talk about. You have to live it from the everyday life as an Latino to growing up with a extremely tight knit family. That's a bond you can't just explain. People can understand, nod their heads and all that jazz, but it's not the same. Not the same when I can take a quick flight to Chihuahua to visit relatives and show my kids the Mexican way of life. How a family bond is so tight that it's rarely broken.
That seems incredibly arbitrary and as a black guy I don't require everyone I date to have gone through "The struggle " but you do you my dudes.
 

collige

Member
Oct 31, 2017
6,051
This reminds me of an old thread on Gaf where the OP was a black guy crying about white women not wanting him.. It was embarrassing. I guess this is a problem if you’re only interested in interracial relationships, otherwise there are alternative dating sites for POC.
The fact that PoC have to make a site specifically for them is a problem worth complaining about in and of itself.
 

litebrite

Member
Oct 27, 2017
10,906
Like I explained before, it's a culture that's hard to talk about. You have to live it from the everyday life as an Latino to growing up with a extremely tight knit family. That's a bond you can't just explain. People can understand, nod their heads and all that jazz, but it's not the same. Not the same when I can take a quick flight to Chihuahua to visit relatives and show my kids the Mexican way of life. How a family bond is so tight that it's rarely broken.
Bruh, as an African American man in touch with his history and culture, I completely understand.
 

Stellar

Member
Oct 26, 2017
465
This reminds me of an old thread on Gaf where the OP was a black guy crying about white women not wanting him.. It was embarrassing. I guess this is a problem if you’re only interested in interracial relationships, otherwise there are alternative dating sites for POC.
Yeah lol. I mean I could understand if black women were also ignoring you, but these guys are only whining about white women not wanting them. Wtf?
 
Nov 17, 2017
8,859
I think there are more productive and long lasting ways to change it than calling people who only date a certain race or exclude a certain race racist, but that's just me.

Just saying.

Never said it was the ultimate solution to changing people's views on race but why shouldn't people do all we can do? It's pretty simple too. If someone you know expresses those kind of views call them out on it. I have and the person definitely reevaluated their views.

i am, but having my wife being Mexican helps even more without the chance of losing it. My grandma is not doing very well, but my wife's grandma is doing great and we go over there a lot. Same with my parents and her parents.
I suppose it would help more. I just kind of got the vibe that if your children were mixed race they somehow would be less welcome into the family.
 
Oct 31, 2017
4,520
White girls generally arent attracted to people of color. there is nothing wrong with that. people tend to date their own kind anyway. there was a great Chris Rock bit where he said that black women just arent into white men and said they would fuck a brad pitt but you wont see them with George from Seinfeld. I think the same applies to not just white women but women of any race. the problem with PoC men is that there dont seem to be many PoC women on these dating sites. asian women get picked up by white men so that leaves asian men with an even smaller pool of women to choose from.

Of course there are exceptions, i have seen a few white girls dating and eventually marrying PoC. Indian, black and even arabs. But it's so rare they immediately stand out.
Where the fuck do y'all live, the 1950s? Y'all can't be in anybody's city or ever been near a college campus if you think white girls generally are only attracted to white guys... You sound like you only live around other white people
 

LionPride

Banned
Oct 25, 2017
12,804
Man I'm dealing with the issue in this white ass city, too many white women wantin me

I want some melanin god damn
 

AegonSnake

Member
Oct 25, 2017
6,982
User warned for using racist terminology
Have you ever thought about why that might be? Not just from white women to black men but between many different races. I think it's a topic people don't like to dig into because it's uncomfortable. It reveals some of the ingrained prejudices you have based on culture, race, history, etc.
\.
yep, it's true for every race. just see how oriental asians act around black men. growing up in pakistan, there was a huge demand for fair skin women and nearly all the movie and tv stars were fair skin men and women. this is a country with 70% brown skin to dark skin people. i saw my own aunts berate and just dismiss other women and men and boys because they were dark skinned. there were Nivea ads touting its power to turn brown skin women white. entire songs written for fair skin women. it was hilarious in a way.

so when i see these threads wondering why white women dont find people of color attractive, i go back to how other races feel the same about brown and black people. you cant force someone to be attracted to people they arent attracted to.
 

NameUser

Member
Oct 25, 2017
8,396
You're at a disadvantage, but it's definitely not impossible. I've met some pretty great white gals through online dating as a black guy, one of which was a two year relationship. The hit rate is higher with black women of course, and you can also aim higher in the looks department. If I'm honest, finding quality black women is so much easier that it's really just been my preference of late.
This is where I'm at now. I'll still give anyone a chance, but I don't actively pursue non-black women.
 

SageShinigami

Member
Oct 27, 2017
17,601
All the people (men and women) that have referred to online dating as a cesspool and yet I had to scroll through so many people arguing that it wasn't. It's like you mothafuckers got stock in one of these sites or something lol.

Yeah OP, it sucks and I wish I could filter out people who only dated inside their race. That should be an option for sure.
 

PhaZe 5

Member
Oct 27, 2017
2,323
Curious--have any black men here dated an asian woman? I'm an equal opportunity guy, but I just don't even bother to message them. Got this thing in my head that hit rate would be zero.

Oddly enough I've never actually dated a hispanic woman either. I haven't actively pursued, but I've sent enough messages to where I'm kind of shocked at how bad my hit rate has been with them.
 

Rigby

Banned
Oct 25, 2017
693
How's a specific race ugly or good looking? You're either attractive or you're not.
You guys love making everything about color.
 

FromAshesRise

Banned
Oct 27, 2017
923
People draw arbitrary lines in the sand and say "NEVER DATE X HEIGHT, WEIGHT, NO COLLEGE DEGREE, HAS KIDS, etc... ". Yes people make exceptions to these arbitrary rules they've set for themselves. In the 90's and early 2000's, I remember Halle Berry was the go to Black woman White Men said they would date. LOL It's because beyond racism, colorism is still a thing even within the same racial groups.
Deciding you don’t want to date someone because of individual traits (or even base level attractiveness) isn’t the same thing as not wanting to date someone because of their race. Saying you don’t date people shorter than you has to do with individual ideals of attraction. Saying you don’t date black people is a problem because it often doesn’t have to do with attraction. It has more to do with “fear my racist parents will disown me” or “stereotypically racist imagery that makes x race look unattractive will mean dating someone among said race will lose me social clout among my friends”.

Short people or people without a college degree or unemployed people exist across all races. It’s a case by case thing. However nobody is fundamentally unattracted to people just because of race - it’s often a series of stereotypes and external societal factors that lead to people saying they “don’t date x race”.
 
Nov 17, 2017
8,859
Yeah lol. I mean I could understand if black women were also ignoring you, but these guys are only whining about white women not wanting them. Wtf?
That forbidden fruit drives them mad. LOL
Is any of this really necessary? Strawman arguments really don't help further discussion. Just because a black man dates a white women doesn't mean he's chasing a "forbidden fruit." I'm curious as to why you think that.

Do you think that maybe the reason people are mainly citing white women is because that's where they usually see "I don't date ___ race?" I don't think there are many black women with "I don't date black men" on their profiles unless you've seen a bunch somewhere? So of course they wouldn't be brought up. I also think it comes down to the fact that depending on where you live, your dating pool diversity wise might be skewed heavily. I know when I was on Tinder and OKCupid, I mostly saw white women. Of course there were black women there too but it's not like every black women is gonna swipe right on you as default for just being black. If you aren't a person that would never date someone outside of your own race and you actually would date people of any race, it's only natural that you'd be frustrated that a percentage of the people you're interested in are turning you down based on your race. It doesn't mean you are only interested in dating white people.
 

RedMercury

Member
Dec 24, 2017
9,906
This reminds me of an old thread on Gaf where the OP was a black guy crying about white women not wanting him.. It was embarrassing. I guess this is a problem if you’re only interested in interracial relationships, otherwise there are alternative dating sites for POC.
Uh it's a pretty legitimate gripe that the majority race in the country won't even look at you in that way because of the color of your skin, maybe don't frame that as "crying about it"? Why should black people have to go to their own dating sites to be given a fair shake?
 

litebrite

Member
Oct 27, 2017
10,906
yep, it's true for every race. just see how oriental asians act around black men. growing up in pakistan, there was a huge demand for fair skin women and nearly all the movie and tv stars were fair skin men and women. this is a country with 70% brown skin to dark skin people. i saw my own aunts berate and just dismiss other women and men and boys because they were dark skinned. there were Nivea ads touting its power to turn brown skin women white. entire songs written for fair skin women. it was hilarious in a way.

so when i see these threads wondering why white women dont find people of color attractive, i go back to how other races feel the same about brown and black people. you cant force someone to be attracted to people they arent attracted to.
I've been accused before as a lightskinned Black man of preferring lightskinned Black women by darker skinned Black women before. LOL.
 

collige

Member
Oct 31, 2017
6,051
Yeah, I feel like OKCupid in particular REALLY lets you get granular with that stuff in an unsettling way
How so?

Is any of this really necessary? Strawman arguments really don't help further discussion. Just because a black man dates a white women doesn't mean he's chasing a "forbidden fruit." I'm curious as to why you think that.

Do you think that maybe the reason people are mainly citing white women is because that's where they usually see "I don't date ___ race?" I don't think there are many black women with "I don't date black men" on their profiles unless you've seen a bunch somewhere? So of course they wouldn't be brought up. I also think it comes down to the fact that depending on where you live, your dating pool diversity wise might be skewed heavily. I know when I was on Tinder and OKCupid, I mostly saw white women. Of course there were black women there too but it's not like every black women is gonna swipe right on you as default for just being black. If you aren't a person that would never date someone outside of your own race and you actually would date people of any race, it's only natural that you'd be frustrated that a percentage of the people you're interested in are turning you down based on your race. It doesn't mean you are only interested in dating white people.
I was gonna reply to litebrite but this is a better response than anything I was gonna write.