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Online dating as a POC kinda sucks
- Thread starter jwk94
- Start date
I haven't read the whole thread, but did they say they aren't interested in dating black women, or are they frustrated that their dating options are limited?
I lived in NYC for 12 years and loved it there (apart from the COL lol). It is definitely a lot different than a lot of other areas in the country. I live in the PNW now where it is like 99% white and frequently hear stories about how it is difficult to date if you are a POC out here. I'm white myself so can't confirm that personally however.
Oh I agree. I don't think I'd ever use online dating to find true love. I think I'd lose myself along the way. Would rather meet friends of friends/fam/co-workers. Or someone at a convention/event for hobby that I'm interested in.
I'm not talking about a preference, they stated they only date people of their race.
That's. Fucked. Up.
Online dating in general is pretty terrible. I dipped my toes in it back in the early 2000's before I met my wife (through a mutual friend) and I couldn't get matched with anyone because I'm 5'3. Almost every woman's profile said you had to be at least 6'0. Little dudes got it rough too.
Maybe I misread him, but it struck me as a black man who was soured on the online dating experience because white women weren't interested in him. As a black man, I find that a bit insulting.
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Dating in NYC is vastly different than dating in LA which is vastly different than dating in the midwest or Miami or anywhere else. I'd say there are like a dozen "dating zones" where experiences will vary wildly depending on your age, ethnicity, job, etc. Height and weight are gonna be fairly constant though everywhere in how you are received.
Also curious how experiences are on bumble compared to other sites, since bumble requires women to make the first contact.
Finally there are all the niche dating websites, like blackpeoplemeet, the farmer one, jDate (jewish), military singles, FitnessSingles, etc.
I once made a plenty of fish profile and recieved over 100 messages in the space of 3 days. And this is from a guy who's 5'8" and Asian.
I've still got the print screens as proof as it was something I was quite proud and shocked over haha.
I've still got the print screens as proof as it was something I was quite proud and shocked over haha.
This is where I'm at. As a shorter-than-average Latino I know I'm largely unwanted in online dating platforms. Not to say people aren't shallow IRL but when you see people face to face at least you're not literally a stat sheet for people to "filter out". The dating experience is tangibly different.
Yeah, I'm not really seeing that from the first post. They haven't even posted anything afterwards so I'd give them the benefit of the doubt. For me personally, the pool of black people on online dating sites is much smaller comparatively, so it can be frustrating if that's your only option. It's tough enough to find someone you'd be compatible with, and if you do read someone's profile that checks all your boxes, and then scroll down a bit further and it says, "Interested in white/caucasian men only", I can understand how that would be frustrating. Even outside of online dating, where I am located I might see less than a handful of black women in a given week, single black women even less. If someone is looking outside their race, it doesn't mean they are excluding their race.
What general location do you live in? Asian male here who has never gotten a response in like 2 years...
I don't agree...people are into what they are into, I'll date any race because that is my preference. You can't make someone like a person outside of what they prefer just because it make you feel uncomfortable, just move on to the next person, there are PLENTY of fish in the sea.
Insecurity. We live in a big fucking world with plenty of people out theirs. No matter what color you are or what your preferences are, there are more than enough people for you to find what you're looking for. I'm white, but I wouldn't say that I've had any more or any less luck with women in the real world than any POC that I know. Online that can change a bit, but I'd say your fashion, fitness, attitude, and looks matter way more than your color.
Met some genuinely awful girls online. From racist, ignorant to down right narcissistic. I am actually baffled why some of them even wanted to meet me.
I also agree it's better to meet in real life.
I also agree it's better to meet in real life.
I wouldn't be so quick to apply white supremacist framework to PoC and their choice to date from their own community.
Stats say otherwise.
I agree that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Its just that sometimes the beholder might have some racist tendencies. I dont give a fuck what planet you are from, there are attractive women in any race. To deny one solely based on colour is racist.
There's a difference between incidentally only dating people who share your race, and outwardly saying I only date x race
He didn't specify the race of the women he was trying to engage with. They could be black for all we know. African immigrant women hate American black guys for some reason.
Online dating has the unfortunate tendency to turn people into a stat list. People can be successful on the platform, but ultimately there's no replacement for going out and talking to people.
When I dated I made a profile on Tinder and OK Cupid, but mostly dated women I met in person. I had a friend who was having trouble getting as many dates in the Tucson, Arizona area as he wanted in comparison to his white friends, I live in Southern California as a point of comparison. My friend is decent looking, more of an average build, but in good shape. We are both the same ethnicity, Indian American. Now when I made my accounts I started getting a lot of matches and hits, I even got much more hits on Tinder than my white friends (in reference to what this thread is about, not signaling out white people), and it is probably because of being in Southern California. Also it helped being around 6'2 and in very good shape. My friend from Phoenix then made an account in Southern California when he moved here and started having way better luck as well, he is engaged to a woman he met on POF. This leads me to my earlier point that it is easier for POC to date in diverse areas were lot's of interactions happen with different races. Less stereotyping.
I think it is horrible if you outright state you only date one race of person, since race is not chosen though. I dated all types of women, and it is so great to see the differing cultures they came from.
I think it is horrible if you outright state you only date one race of person, since race is not chosen though. I dated all types of women, and it is so great to see the differing cultures they came from.
I'm sure that preferences skew a certain way in stats. What I'm saying is in the real world, there are many other factors that come into play rather than general preferences unless that person is racist.
Yeah I always feel it's unwise to say to argue against and assume the experience of people of another color than you.
Also yeah the world is big but it's not like many of us are in a financial position to move to places where dating preferences are different.
If you live in the states, even a diverse city (NY in my case), the presence of white women is much much MUCH bigger than POC. I'm not saying this is a bad thing. My point is, your choices would be very limited if you only messaged people within your race unless you're white. I think the stats for the user population for sites like OKC was released long ago.
I'm not going to judge a PoC that dates within their own race. You do you.
You vastly underestimate how white supremacist the real world is and how internalized it is with certain racial demographics.
I can agree with you that people in smaller areas might have a hard time. I'm used to living in cities so I didn't think about peoples experiences in smaller towns. If you're in a large city in the US though, you shouldn't have trouble no matter what preferences you read about online.
I live in the UK. Not sure if that plays a part in anything. The majority of people messaging me were 20 to 30 year old Caucasians. I'll try and find these print screens.
That's definitely something that's coming from you. Why are you coming to conclusions about this person you don't know and only have limited information on? Why does your mind jump automatically to the worst thing you can think of?
My conclusion was that he didn't like seeing people say "I don't date black people" because it's disheartening to be rejected in that way and wished that he could filter those people out. Because... well, that's what he said. He never said "I need to date white women but none of them like black guys. I'm so upset, I don't want to date black women, guys!" Why did you feel the need to jump to that conclusion? I don't really understand why you're insulted.
I think you don't understand what preference means.
Like ok, when you prefer something that means you will usually go for that. It doesn't mean you will never go for anything else.
Saying that you would NEVER date a person of X race is not a preference. It's just being racist. Why do you think those people would absolutely never date someone of that race? Like what do you think the actual reasons are?
Someone please tell me how to respond to this.
"People love black women. I'm living proof and so are many other black women. So I don't listen to these statistics that do nothing but try to lower our self esteem and break us down. The media is set out to destroy us period. But people sure want to be us."
"People love black women. I'm living proof and so are many other black women. So I don't listen to these statistics that do nothing but try to lower our self esteem and break us down. The media is set out to destroy us period. But people sure want to be us."
Honestly reads like something not worth engaging with since the person in question has already demonstrated a lack of interest in engaging with existing research. Statistics don't "try" to do anything
Umm? This satement doesn't look like its open to a response?
I never said I judge minorities that date within their own
People's preferences don't come out of the ether. Their preferences are shaped by the culture they live in, as is basically everything else they do.
I'm speaking as a black woman, but we have it fucking rough. I noticed that white women want black dudes only for sex while no one really wants to fuck with a black woman and that's sad to me. Not saying that using a person to fufill a fetish is ok, but the fact that no one wants us is just sad
So it's ok to be inclusive unless you are white??!!? I'm confused.
This very true, and I agree...we are all a product of our environment.
*checks your profile and notices you live in CT* I feel your pain I grew up there but left when I graduated hs. CT isn't exactly the most diverse place unless you are in one of the bigger cities. Where in CT?
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It still does not mean a person is racist if he/she does not want to date a particular group. It is a preference much like I willl not eat certain foods. To state you only date a specific race is simply stating your preference. It is helpful for dating sites for matching people up. Some date people based on income, height and many other factors as well.
I was ready to give up dating if it didn't work out with the last woman I met through OK Cupid who ended up becoming my wife. Plenty of Fish introduced me to women who wanted nothing but sex, and Match.com seemed to match me with women who were extremely picky and absolute snobs. I say that as a PoC in an area where there weren't a lot of minorities.
Races aren't homogenous groups. They have people of vastly different looks, personalities, cultures and walks of life. To completely strike out one is to subscribe to some stereotypical generalization of them, which would fall under racist to me.
However, there are cases of "I'm only interested in x" I can sort of understand, like if you're from a specific culture and are primarily interested in people of the same culture, but again, that's more cultural than race based, and I can't imagine what argument a person could make to apply that to white people, unless they want to bond over their privilege or something