Parent-Era: Ever had a visit from CPS because you yell at your kid?

[astro]

I am also a teacher.
In all of my years of teaching, never once have I yelled at a student. Literally not once.

I don't see any reason whatsoever to scream at a child, or any person at all, really.
Remaining calm and collected is a much better way to get the point across.

I agree with your point that there's a difference between screaming at a person, and loudly lecturing. The primary question is which one the OP employs.

But my real point is that increasing volume doesn't ever seem to actually help anything, regarding lectures/arguments/debates/etc.

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Yelling, getting angry, etc... are never going to add anything positive. This is pretty universally known.

However, not everyone has the same temperament, so while you find it easy to remain composed/calm not everyone does.

That doesn't mean yelling is correct, but yelling also doesn't make a person a monster or a bad parent.

The idea that everyone can be like you just isn't realistic, is my main point here.

 

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[Siggy-P]

I'm trying not to be vague, I really am. I didn't think I yelled that often and I can't even think of what I really specifically say when I do yell.

I certainly don't scream, I don't think I have the voice for that.

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Well you're certainly well intentioned and clearly conflicted about this whole thing so most propel here will give you the benifit of the doubt.

Going to the topic of yelling in general though (so not necessarily aimed at you), things is that kids are humans. Adult people are statistically proven to still commit crimes even if the punishments are severe, only their avoidance of getting caught changes. Likewise children won't change their behaviour from punishments alone, rather they will seek to avoid getting caught, or, they won't care as they get used to the punishment (which is the worst case as this leads to active resentment).

Raising your voice is a show of authority, and so it only works if your child understands the severity of it. I raised my voice at my little brother (who I effectively had to surrogate father for after our real dad fucked off) a few times, whenever he would refuse an instruction too many times. And it worked because I don't raise my voice at him over nothing.

My mother meanwhile screamed at us all the time so I rather quickly learned she was an idiot who just screamed whenever she could, and nothing was gonna stop it.

If you regularly yell at your kid, they're gonna take it as your standardised behaviour. And no parent should want that. Because then your kid won't like or care for your authority. You gotta teach her why what she did was wrong, and make sure she herself feels it was wrong of her.

 

[BringBackSonics]

Dude sorry that happened to you, most likely CPS just checking it out to make sure it's normal family yelling (and not part of something larger). Sort of like DUI enforcement light they pulling you over because of a headlight out.

But I hear you with how scary it was, I'd be terrified as well.

Do you guys live in an apartment?

 

[MrGerbils]

Yelling at a child is never productive. Kids learn from watching how you behave, not by listening to what you tell them to do. Yelling at them teaches them that's how they should treat other people (and you).

 

[The Last Laugh]

If OP isn't white, could be racist ass neighbors making shit up.

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Only took 13 posts .

OP, if neighbors are hearing you it may be time for some self reflection

 

[Kuro]

Only took 13 posts .

OP, if neighbors are hearing you it may be time for some self reflection

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Yeah you've never experienced racism here in the states then. I've seen shit like that happen constantly when I lived in an apartment complex as a kid. Don't know why I bothered responding looking at your post history though.

 

[RDreamer]

Raising your voice is a show of authority, and so it only works if your child understands the severity of it. I raised my voice at my little brother (who I effectively had to surrogate father for after our real dad fucked off) a few times, whenever he would refuse an instruction too many times. And it

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Yeah my mom never raised her voice or yelled. But then she did one time. She actually got upset and it fucking devastated my sister and me because we knew that shit was real and we fucked up.

My dad yelled a decent chunk of time and we chalked it up to anger/temper issues. It was completely ineffective from him. When he did it we just thought he had issues.

 

[Rei no Otaku]

I know how you feel OP. I'm not going to go over the whole story, but about six years ago my wife let one of her friends stay with us. Some things happened and this person lied to us, so finally my wife told her she had to leave. Anyway, this asshole decided that to get revenge on us she'd call child services on us and make up a bunch of BS. It was the weirdest shit too. When the guy showed up he told us they got a call that all we did was feed our son pizza everyday and we had no other food. He took one look around, checked the fridge and saw it fully stocked, apologized for bothering us and left.

Don't worry too much. They just have to check out all calls. You'll be fine.

 

[HamCormier]

Plot twist - your daughter hired two actors so that you stop yelling at her.

 

[El Bombastico]

Only took 13 posts .

OP, if neighbors are hearing you it may be time for some self reflection

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And only took 56 posts for someone like you to show up...

 

[The Last Laugh]

Yeah you've never experienced racism here in the states then. I've seen shit like that happen constantly when I lived in an apartment complex as a kid. Don't know why I bothered responding looking at your post history though.

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Neither did the OP apparently. You came into a thread immediately looking for racism and calling for it when there was not one shred of evidence that it was involved . This is about the OP and their kids and their situation.

 

[The Last Laugh]

And only took 56 posts for someone like you to show up...

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I was actually reading the OP and the thread to see what information there was. I try to do that before I post.

 

[Maso]

If you regularly yell at your kid, they're gonna take it as your standardised behaviour. And no parent should want that.

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This happened to me growing up. I try not think of my parents as bad, as they were/are very supportive in ways, but it hurts knowing that the first thought that tends to pop up when I think about them is all the screaming instead of the love. For me though, it was frequently leveraged over me how lucky and privileged I was that I wasn't being beat up and thrown around. When I got older I realized they were saying that to make themselves feel better about it, not me. I'm just glad I was never beat up and thrown around though.

 

[Watershed]

Yelling can be a form of abuse, especially when it comes to parenting. Yelling is not automatically abusive but it is an escalating tactic that raises both your and your child's stress levels, emotions, and anxiety. Yelling, especially from someone in a position of power (like a parent to a child) also has psychological components. Ask yourself, why am I yelling at my child? What result do I expect when I yell at my child? How do I feel when I yell at my child? How does my child feel? Is yelling effective? Is yelling at my child consistent with how I want my child to be treated? Maybe your yelling is a non-issue. Maybe whoever called CPS has a valid concern. Probably, your family, including your child, know best whether your yelling is abusive or not.

 

[Alwayscrazybacon]

Yelling can be a form of abuse, especially when it comes to parenting. Yelling is not automatically abusive but it is an escalating tactic that raises both your and your child's stress levels, emotions, and anxiety. Yelling, especially from someone in a position of power (like a parent to a child) also has psychological components. Ask yourself, why am I yelling at my child? What result do I expect when I yell at my child? How do I feel when I yell at my child? How does my child feel? Is yelling effective? Is yelling at my child consistent with how I want my child to be treated? Maybe your yelling is a non-issue. Maybe whoever called CPS has a valid concern. Probably, your family, including your child, know best whether your yelling is abusive or not.

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This is a much more reflective way that OP should be thinking like.

 

[Deleted member 19003]

Unless it's like out of control, every day yelling and cursing, I can't imagine why they would call CPS on you? Probably just some busy-body asshole neighbors without kids of their own who believe they know how to raise children "the right way". Just keep your voice down when disciplining your daughter in the future.

 

[Indeed™]

Best way to deal with CPS: Shut the door and ignore them.

 

[Stinkles]

If you're yelling loud enough for the neighbours to call them, you're probably yelling too loudly.

You don't need to yell.

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How old are your kids?

 

[Sampson]

OP is probably an abusive parent with narcissistic tendencies. CPS doesn't just get called for no reason. Does anyone posting in this topic even know how to contact CPS? For someone to go through the trouble of doing that there must be something serious here.

 

[Wafflinson]

Obviously CPS and whoever called them is overreacting.

However, that doesn't mean you can't take this as a learning moment. You really shouldn't be yelling at kids... it is entirely unnecessary and damaging.

I am a teacher and agree with the other teachers who have posted that it only makes things worse/creates new problems, and I have never had to yell at a student.


Yelling is about you and you own emotional needs. Not your child's.

 

[davepoobond]

I was yelled at a lot as a kid. Don't think it actually served it's purpose. I don't like being yelled at or yelling at anyone else.

I suggest moving away from that being the way you enforce your rules

 

[Sampson]

Obviously CPS and whoever called them is overreacting.

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How is this obvious?

How many people do you know that have had CPS called on them? it isn't a common occurrence. It's not like speeding on the highway.

Why will people on this forum cling to a "believe the victim" mentality and then buy OP's vague story?

 

[Wafflinson]

Best way to deal with CPS: Shut the door and ignore them.

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Holy f.... shit advice.

May as well send your kids with them as you shut the door because you are asking for hell to come down on your head.

One of my student's parents wouldn't let CPS in for an inspection following a report. They came back and hour later with cops and took the kids for 3 days.

How is this obvious?

How many people do you know that have had CPS called on them? it isn't a common occurrence. It's not like speeding on the highway.

Why will people on this forum cling to a "believe the victim" mentality and then buy OP's vague story?

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I am a teacher at a title I low income school.

I know lots of people that have had CPS called on them.

 

[Deleted member 14518]

Parent here, kids will drive you batty, but as a parent you need to constantly think about how you're doing the job.

Just use this to think if you are yelling too much/too loud and if there is a better way.

 

[Dalek]

I will say first of all that parenting is not easy and I understand how frazzled you can get.

I'll also say that my wife works for CPS and I've heard it all. For every story where someone says "Why did CPS come investigate?!" theres one where someone says "Why DIDN'T CPS come investigate?!" You're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't.

If you have neighbors on both sides it was most likely one of them who was tired of the yelling-and either called out of spite or genuine concern. Do you have any bad blood with them?

I agree with the previous post that said when you resort to yelling at a child that's saying more about you then the child. You're also teaching the child that it's perfectly reasonable way to react to stress, frustration and anger. When they start yelling at you in turn-that will be because that's how you taught them to process their emotions. I'm not bragging-but I've never had to yell at my child. My wife has and I've had to be the mediator. In my experience, honesty and time and occasionally punishment have been more effective. Again I realize every child is different and I'm fortunate to have a daughter who is very kind and considerate.

 

[Spine Crawler]

i totally understand when parents yell at their child sometimes. children can be very stressful. retrospectively i cant believe what kind of shit i have done when i was younger to my parents. so far i have never yelled at my kid but if she behaves like me i think i would.

 

[Owl]

Yelling should only be reserved for when your child is about to do something that create immediate danger and you need you child's immediate attention, like crossing the road when a car is coming.

Of course all parents are human you're going to lose your temper with how kids can be sometimes. That's inevitable. But you need to think what does yelling accomplish? Make the child scared of you? Is that what you want? There's a few other ways to handle the situation when the kid isn't listening than to yell or hit them.

 

[Rory]

Today my daughter and I were paid a visit by two lovely ladies from Child Protective Services. They informed me that they had gotten an anonymous call because my wife and I had been heard yelling at our daughter.

At this point my brain shut down a bit. Like .. of course we yell at her when she's in trouble? I explained that typically we will talk to her/explain/redirect but when she's continuously breaking the rules yes we will yell at her or threaten to yell. There was a whole interview that followed and they explained that yelling is emotional abuse and can slow down a child's development.

Meanwhile my daughter is an amazing little girl who just got moved up to "big class" because she's smart and incredible. Now I've apparently been emotionally abusing her because I yell at her when she's in trouble? I'm so upset. Like am I going to lose my kid now? Do I need to call a lawyer?

My wife was still at work so that was a fun call to make informing her that CPS had stopped by.

I really just want to vent because I'm so upset and terrified about anything happening to my daughter.

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Child Protective Services do not take children, they teach parents how to be good parents. If you refuse to be educated, if you deny to accept that "your way" is wrong then it might happen that consequences will follow but taking away a child is last resort.