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RE Creative Writing Challenge #001: A New Beginning
- Thread starter weemadarthur
- Start date
I love that feeling of editing a bad story into a not so bad story!
I already read a batch of stories to try and keep ahead before the eventual mass reading this weekend and yeah, it will be fun.
OP
OP
OP
OP
Midnight, like the voting deadline, also I finally put in the timer I meant to put in earlier.
Oh damn, just saw this. Lurked in the gaf threads for years on this but was always too nervous to give it a go. Nice to see you're all so supportive of each other. Real nice, positive environment in here. Hope i have the courage to join in next time :)
Good luck to everyone and looking forward to reading your work.
Good luck to everyone and looking forward to reading your work.
Yes there will! Otherwise it would be a real pain to make sure all of them are read.
Six hours, five minutes. Plus the grace period. Think you can write a story in that time?
EDIT:
#entry
Application Day
1031 words according to the compiler.
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Here's my first story for the new site
What's at the End of the Line - 1500 words
Password is quote to see and be mindful of Caps
What's at the End of the Line - 1500 words
Password is quote to see and be mindful of Caps
Hidden content
As Men Are - (1495 words)
https://www.dropbox.com/s/i4uni1n69nhrtgg/As Men Are.pdf?dl=0
The new standard password:
https://www.dropbox.com/s/i4uni1n69nhrtgg/As Men Are.pdf?dl=0
The new standard password:
Hidden content
I'd like to pretend I was successful in getting this done, but I picked up Persona 5, and... yeah.
Nowhere close to having finished either story I was toying with for this
Nowhere close to having finished either story I was toying with for this
One Step Further (1,422)
#entry
I could not password protect either the dropbox link or the pdf itself with the toolsets I have currently available. Quote to view Dropbox link:
#entry
I could not password protect either the dropbox link or the pdf itself with the toolsets I have currently available. Quote to view Dropbox link:
Hidden content
Exciting about this new start!
Her Inner Flame
Word count: 1,444 words, quote to reveal password.
Oops I didn't mean to post twice in a row, and now I don't know how to merge them.
Her Inner Flame
Word count: 1,444 words, quote to reveal password.
Hidden content
GEE, WHO COULD HAVE GUESSED : P
That's the general practice, yeah. Though I think we grew accustomed to Ashes's autoharvest script, and now we're faced with the prospect of having to aggregate the posts manually as though we were cavemen again.
Anyway...
False Starts
Hidden content
Feedback post to be updated as I go:
“End of Days” by Oyashiro-sama: You got me. I was expecting a Christian rapture story, but I’m pretty sure you turned it into the Norse ragnarok by the end. Very clever, though you cheated a bit using the word rapture at the start. Were you combining the two mythologies perhaps? I liked the writing overall, though you really have to proofread because there are a lot of spelling mistakes. Interesting idea and competent execution overall.
“Council of Sigma Hyperion” by Magenta: You put a lot of work into this! Well done. It was very weird and read like classic science fiction. The names were all a bit overwhelming for such a short writing project, but the end result was a fascinating artifact from an imagined future.
“The Waiting Room” by Arkestry: I read this one twice. I really like the clarity and descriptions in your writing, and I think I get the gist of most of it, but I was kind of confused. It’s a post-apocalyptic world, right? And bombs are falling? And there’s an enemy force? And the brother and sister had a shitty childhood and are on the run? Not sure who the person at the end is supposed to be either (I’m assuming it’s one of the enemy officers/soldiers/invaders), but I’m assuming that’s part of the point in that you wanted to leave it a mystery. I enjoyed it but had questions.
“The Weights of Knowledge” by Chainsawkitten: Crazy good. You got me hook, line, and sinker, and I was very pleased as the reader when I started to realize that the POV was actually a test subject being programmed with data. Nice one.
“A Star is Born!” by Dongs Macabre: I really liked this despite being left with questions. You always go a little outside the box with your stuff, and I consistently appreciate that commitment to creativity. Keep it up, Dongs. Nice job.
“The Start of Something New” by choodi: The ending kind of came out of nowhere and I was wondering whether you had this one worked out from the start or if you only decided what it was going to be as you got to the apartment scene. I still liked it, though. I mean this in a complimentary way, but your writing is quite competent. It’s easy to follow, and I generally liked peering into these characters’ lives. I just thought the emotional punch at the end wasn’t totally earned.
“The Fire is Fine” by AaronD: I’m cool with weird stories that use non-human characters, but I wasn’t sure that I quite got the point of this one. I found it hard to connect to the POV’s struggle. Still, it was readable and had some solid descriptive writing. I just didn’t really connect to it.
“An Escape” by Rebel-TT: Life flashing before one’s eyes as they’re hurling towards doom. A tried and true fiction trope, but still possible to do well. I had a hard time figuring out what was happening in this one, but re-read parts of it once I got to the end to see if the clues that it was a plane in free fall were there. And they were. I know you mentioned you’re just starting out on your writing journey, and it shows here, and that’s totally fine! I only started taking writing more seriously a year ago, so the uncertainty is still fresh in my mind, and still very much present when I write today. But some things are starting to come more naturally. Your writing here is competent, but I’d try to focus on writing a story that shows instead of tells the next time around. We spend a lot of time in the character’s head here. It’s fine, but I’d be curious to see you do something that has a character with more agency. Tell us a story through a character’s words and actions, not just their thoughts.
“You’re Always on My Mind” by Dedication Through Light: This was kind of fun, but I’m not sure what Arthur did to help Henry clear his mind outside of offering friendship. I guess I can see that working. Kind of. Otherwise, it was a pretty cute little tale.
“Let it All Out” by Xagarath: The length works for what you’re trying to get across, and it’s really a story that could only be interesting in written fiction, but I guess I was still hoping for something more. Maybe an interaction with her boss, or her sneaking away and typing away on her keyboard, updating her resume in a bathroom stall...something that showed more urgency for her desire to escape. But maybe that wasn’t the point. I still liked it as is but just wanted more.
“Hanalin” by weemadarthur: This was a fun one. I like the cycling back at the end, and your descriptions are quite clear. Looks like you put a lot of thought into the world, and particularly into Hana. Nice work for a short story.
“Retirement Home” by Sober: Weird title that is hard to connect to the story. The reveal was really nice, and I don’t think you even needed the last line since it was clear it was a sword when the farm boy wields him. I liked this. It kept my interest, had some funny narration, and it had a neat surprise. Well done. I wonder if half-goblins really do smell like that...
“Lost Violent Souls” by John Dunbar: Okay, you’re in the lead right now. This was (mostly) a riot. It flowed well and was full of funny banter. The suggestion to make Google was my favourite bit. The only complaint I’d make is that this suffered from massive white room syndrome. It was almost all dialogue and would have benefited from more description. The word count probably made that difficult too, though. Still, it was a really enjoyable ride, as everything was clear and engaging. Not too crazy about the title, though.
“Application Day” by W-00: A weird and funny ride. Thanks for that. I dug it quite a bit, and the reveal was a legit surprise for me. Good times. I hope you write more in the future!
“What’s at the End of the Line” by FlowersisBritish: Neat idea and good dialogue. Same as above, though it’s more excusable in this case because of the location, this was a little too white room-y with just a string of dialogue. Fortunately, I enjoyed that dialogue. :) Proofread more next time, though. Got some grammar errors in there, Flowers.
“As Men Are” by Charade: Lord of the Rings meets Stephen King? This was good. Your prose are always easy on the eyes and mind. I thank you for it. I do wonder whether the woman was on a mission to find false rings or whether she was legit just passing through.
“An Honest Job” by Rivenblade: I liked the first half of this but had a hard time thinking of how it would end. I think it’s serviceable overall, but it lost a lot of description in editing to get it below 1,500 words. Characters are total stereotypes, though.
“One Step Further” by UCBooties: After finishing this one and going back to the start, I really felt like the almost the entire first page was unnecessary and like you should have started closer to the core of the conflict between Michael and Arthur. The conflict itself was fine, but it was filled with a lot of well-worn and easy territory about free will. I was hoping you’d go deeper.
“Her Inner Flame” by Tangent: Definitely interesting. You always have a way of bringing something unique to the table. Don’t think there’s anyone out there who would think to write this type of story. Keep ‘em coming, Tangent.
“False Starts” by Mike M: Aw, poor Mike. Damn you for still writing a quality piece of work even when it’s your plan B. Damn you and your vocabulary. (I really really liked this)
“Fame” by Ashes: This had your usual energy, but there were just too many names and it moved too briskly for me to really keep track of everything that was going on. I liked the bit with the mother-in-law saying she felt old. In the end though, it was all a bit too fast/loaded for me.
“Mojo” by DumbNameD: I could relate to this. I no longer believe in hokey sports superstitions, but I used to think wearing my team’s colours would bring them luck. I dug this overall but was hoping for a little more to it by the end.
“Evacuation” by Nezumi: This had a nice classic sci-fi feel to it. I dug it and how quiet it was despite everything that was being described. The hope at the end was a nice touch. I’m glad I changed my story, as I had originally intended to do a planetary evacuation story as well. Keep writing and submitting, Nezumi!
Votes:
1. John Dunbar
2. Mike M
3. Chainsawkitten
HM: Sober
“End of Days” by Oyashiro-sama: You got me. I was expecting a Christian rapture story, but I’m pretty sure you turned it into the Norse ragnarok by the end. Very clever, though you cheated a bit using the word rapture at the start. Were you combining the two mythologies perhaps? I liked the writing overall, though you really have to proofread because there are a lot of spelling mistakes. Interesting idea and competent execution overall.
“Council of Sigma Hyperion” by Magenta: You put a lot of work into this! Well done. It was very weird and read like classic science fiction. The names were all a bit overwhelming for such a short writing project, but the end result was a fascinating artifact from an imagined future.
“The Waiting Room” by Arkestry: I read this one twice. I really like the clarity and descriptions in your writing, and I think I get the gist of most of it, but I was kind of confused. It’s a post-apocalyptic world, right? And bombs are falling? And there’s an enemy force? And the brother and sister had a shitty childhood and are on the run? Not sure who the person at the end is supposed to be either (I’m assuming it’s one of the enemy officers/soldiers/invaders), but I’m assuming that’s part of the point in that you wanted to leave it a mystery. I enjoyed it but had questions.
“The Weights of Knowledge” by Chainsawkitten: Crazy good. You got me hook, line, and sinker, and I was very pleased as the reader when I started to realize that the POV was actually a test subject being programmed with data. Nice one.
“A Star is Born!” by Dongs Macabre: I really liked this despite being left with questions. You always go a little outside the box with your stuff, and I consistently appreciate that commitment to creativity. Keep it up, Dongs. Nice job.
“The Start of Something New” by choodi: The ending kind of came out of nowhere and I was wondering whether you had this one worked out from the start or if you only decided what it was going to be as you got to the apartment scene. I still liked it, though. I mean this in a complimentary way, but your writing is quite competent. It’s easy to follow, and I generally liked peering into these characters’ lives. I just thought the emotional punch at the end wasn’t totally earned.
“The Fire is Fine” by AaronD: I’m cool with weird stories that use non-human characters, but I wasn’t sure that I quite got the point of this one. I found it hard to connect to the POV’s struggle. Still, it was readable and had some solid descriptive writing. I just didn’t really connect to it.
“An Escape” by Rebel-TT: Life flashing before one’s eyes as they’re hurling towards doom. A tried and true fiction trope, but still possible to do well. I had a hard time figuring out what was happening in this one, but re-read parts of it once I got to the end to see if the clues that it was a plane in free fall were there. And they were. I know you mentioned you’re just starting out on your writing journey, and it shows here, and that’s totally fine! I only started taking writing more seriously a year ago, so the uncertainty is still fresh in my mind, and still very much present when I write today. But some things are starting to come more naturally. Your writing here is competent, but I’d try to focus on writing a story that shows instead of tells the next time around. We spend a lot of time in the character’s head here. It’s fine, but I’d be curious to see you do something that has a character with more agency. Tell us a story through a character’s words and actions, not just their thoughts.
“You’re Always on My Mind” by Dedication Through Light: This was kind of fun, but I’m not sure what Arthur did to help Henry clear his mind outside of offering friendship. I guess I can see that working. Kind of. Otherwise, it was a pretty cute little tale.
“Let it All Out” by Xagarath: The length works for what you’re trying to get across, and it’s really a story that could only be interesting in written fiction, but I guess I was still hoping for something more. Maybe an interaction with her boss, or her sneaking away and typing away on her keyboard, updating her resume in a bathroom stall...something that showed more urgency for her desire to escape. But maybe that wasn’t the point. I still liked it as is but just wanted more.
“Hanalin” by weemadarthur: This was a fun one. I like the cycling back at the end, and your descriptions are quite clear. Looks like you put a lot of thought into the world, and particularly into Hana. Nice work for a short story.
“Retirement Home” by Sober: Weird title that is hard to connect to the story. The reveal was really nice, and I don’t think you even needed the last line since it was clear it was a sword when the farm boy wields him. I liked this. It kept my interest, had some funny narration, and it had a neat surprise. Well done. I wonder if half-goblins really do smell like that...
“Lost Violent Souls” by John Dunbar: Okay, you’re in the lead right now. This was (mostly) a riot. It flowed well and was full of funny banter. The suggestion to make Google was my favourite bit. The only complaint I’d make is that this suffered from massive white room syndrome. It was almost all dialogue and would have benefited from more description. The word count probably made that difficult too, though. Still, it was a really enjoyable ride, as everything was clear and engaging. Not too crazy about the title, though.
“Application Day” by W-00: A weird and funny ride. Thanks for that. I dug it quite a bit, and the reveal was a legit surprise for me. Good times. I hope you write more in the future!
“What’s at the End of the Line” by FlowersisBritish: Neat idea and good dialogue. Same as above, though it’s more excusable in this case because of the location, this was a little too white room-y with just a string of dialogue. Fortunately, I enjoyed that dialogue. :) Proofread more next time, though. Got some grammar errors in there, Flowers.
“As Men Are” by Charade: Lord of the Rings meets Stephen King? This was good. Your prose are always easy on the eyes and mind. I thank you for it. I do wonder whether the woman was on a mission to find false rings or whether she was legit just passing through.
“An Honest Job” by Rivenblade: I liked the first half of this but had a hard time thinking of how it would end. I think it’s serviceable overall, but it lost a lot of description in editing to get it below 1,500 words. Characters are total stereotypes, though.
“One Step Further” by UCBooties: After finishing this one and going back to the start, I really felt like the almost the entire first page was unnecessary and like you should have started closer to the core of the conflict between Michael and Arthur. The conflict itself was fine, but it was filled with a lot of well-worn and easy territory about free will. I was hoping you’d go deeper.
“Her Inner Flame” by Tangent: Definitely interesting. You always have a way of bringing something unique to the table. Don’t think there’s anyone out there who would think to write this type of story. Keep ‘em coming, Tangent.
“False Starts” by Mike M: Aw, poor Mike. Damn you for still writing a quality piece of work even when it’s your plan B. Damn you and your vocabulary. (I really really liked this)
“Fame” by Ashes: This had your usual energy, but there were just too many names and it moved too briskly for me to really keep track of everything that was going on. I liked the bit with the mother-in-law saying she felt old. In the end though, it was all a bit too fast/loaded for me.
“Mojo” by DumbNameD: I could relate to this. I no longer believe in hokey sports superstitions, but I used to think wearing my team’s colours would bring them luck. I dug this overall but was hoping for a little more to it by the end.
“Evacuation” by Nezumi: This had a nice classic sci-fi feel to it. I dug it and how quiet it was despite everything that was being described. The hope at the end was a nice touch. I’m glad I changed my story, as I had originally intended to do a planetary evacuation story as well. Keep writing and submitting, Nezumi!
Votes:
1. John Dunbar
2. Mike M
3. Chainsawkitten
HM: Sober
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The First Ever List of Entries
End of Days by Oyashiro-Sama
Council of Sigma Hyperion by Magenta
The Waiting Room by Arkestry
The Weights of Knowledge by Chainsawkitten
A Star is Born! by Dongs Macabre
The Start of Something New by Chodi
The Fire is Fine by AaronD
An Escape by Rebel-TT
You're Always on my Mind by Dedication Through Light
Let It All Out by Xagarath
Hanalin by Weemadarthur
Retirement Home by Sober
Lost Violent Souls by John Dunbar
Application Day by W-00
Whats at the End of the Line by FlowersiBritish
As Men Are by Charade
An Honest Job by Rivenblade
One Step Further by UC Booties
Her Inner Flame by Tangent
False Starts by Mike
Fame by Ashes
Mojo by DumbNameD
Evacuation by Nezumi
If I skipped or messed up anyone story titles or names let me know and I'll fix it right away.
End of Days by Oyashiro-Sama
Council of Sigma Hyperion by Magenta
The Waiting Room by Arkestry
The Weights of Knowledge by Chainsawkitten
A Star is Born! by Dongs Macabre
The Start of Something New by Chodi
The Fire is Fine by AaronD
An Escape by Rebel-TT
You're Always on my Mind by Dedication Through Light
Let It All Out by Xagarath
Hanalin by Weemadarthur
Retirement Home by Sober
Lost Violent Souls by John Dunbar
Application Day by W-00
Whats at the End of the Line by FlowersiBritish
As Men Are by Charade
An Honest Job by Rivenblade
One Step Further by UC Booties
Her Inner Flame by Tangent
False Starts by Mike
Fame by Ashes
Mojo by DumbNameD
Evacuation by Nezumi
If I skipped or messed up anyone story titles or names let me know and I'll fix it right away.
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OP
OP
My feedback post, updating as i read.
"The waiting room" Arkestry
The setting was extremely evocative, it was possible to feel that I was waiting with the people. If this were an intro to a time travel or interdimensional scifi story, I'd be interested. As a stand-alone though, I've already forgotten the people, who didn't quite seem to be the focus, and only remember that they should have been choking on the dust, which got more screentime. They should not have been able to yell at each other and stuff, for being unable to breathe.
"Evacuation" Nezumi
You've managed to get a whole story in under the word limit, kudos. I have trouble with it. It works alone, or could easily be an intro to a longer story. Very believable. Some of it, particularly the bits about riots, was definitely told and not shown, although I understand part of that is from the protag's disconnect.
"Let it all out" Xagarath
Hilarious. I think most adults have had this job at least once. Easy to relate to the protag. Even though she could be a lot more productive.
"End of Days" Oyashiro-Sama
This could really use a couple of grammatical editing passes. I read it a couple of times to work out the intended words/sentence structure. For content, it has some lively phrases with good imagery. A couple of nit picky things. Rlemu loses her wings while moving forward-ish, then they land in front of her? And why is she referenced as naked? Wingless is naked? Otherwise an interesting twist.
"Mojo" DumbNameD
Well told, believable characters. Allie is funny. I get the feeling Liz is having it on with the world. While I really loved the twisted phrase "Bob's your iPhone", there's a lot of pop culture references which really dates works after a while.
"Lost Violent Souls" John Dunbar
Lol. Well executed. The little clues of the situation build up over time so reader can see when and where this is happening. A complete story with no need for more.
"Fame.." Ashes
You teach me a lot of words and concepts. I'm not sure if it's me, or your minimal writing style, but reading your stories takes effort - that is, to "see" the surrounding scenes. You don't do a lot of description or explanation. (That's not a negative) It would be interesting to see you do a lighter style. Most of your work ends with a question to think about, that I remember, and isn't just a light entertainment.
"Council of Sigma Hyperion" Magenta
I love the efforts you put in for the seals and weird-text etc. However, the aristokratika being numerically larger than the zwa doesn't quite follow if that's the only food source, it should be the other way around. I am left wondering if the two commanders are sharing a family name, or a title, and whether nepotism is a problem in the intergalactic society.
"Retirement Home" Sober
I had to read this twice to understand how you worked the twist in, and then it made way more sense how the narrator was being dragged around. "Nerves of steel", you got me. But in the end, I can't figure out how I'm there listening to the narrator, who sounds a little unreliable at the best of times. Also you spelled Havoctar's name wrong in one of the sentences I think. The world sounds interesting, but listening to this narrator tell stories is like listening to my mother tell stories.
"You're always on my mind" Dedication Through Light
Good use of the secondary. I didn't end up with a clear idea of what happened to irritate Henry so badly during the trials. But Henry himself is a fairly clear character. One sentence you typed Henry where I think you meant Arthur? And you have some run-on sentences that could use a comma. It might be improved by dropping the names Arthur and Mordred because they have a ton of baggage to them that I don't think you want in the actual story.
The Weights of Knowledge" Chainsawkitten
I understood the basic point of who Henry was in the second page. The end, brings up a lot of questions of treatment of AI in the world.
"A Star is born" Dongs Macabre
Lol the immediate response to focus testing is a horrible [potentially] coming reality. On the other hand, maybe I'll be in a focus group and get exactly the hero I need. The doctorbot's metal face was much too mobile for being metal. The phrasing of how expressions work could be adjusted a bit to be more robot-y.
"An escape" Rebel-TT
Very effective overall. Would recommend against using "dissociation" in the opening, it's too strong an assumption at that point. Also it could add in some comparative reality a little sooner to show the reader whether they're reading scifi or fantasy or modern day story. It included a lot of details about the narrator's life that show his condition; not sure whether adding his destination/purpose would add to or take away from it. I think it could work though. As is, he's kinda floating in space with his motivation.
"False starts" Mike
Right, next challenge I want this exact thing, rewritten for the workings of the tablet-thingy. In payment for my reading a doctoral thesis in an attempt to look up "novaly" and "tupacase", I am docking you for the grammatical structure of "having working in" unless you can prove to me it shouldn't be "worked".
"Her inner flame" Tangent
Aw, this is so sweet. The words are carefully chosen for each sentence picture and I love it. A few grammatical errors though.
"An Honest Job" Rivenblade
I like the general story structure, and McLean knows what's up. It's great that he understands his tools and just how lethal they are when used on humans. However, a lot of nitpicks pull me out of the story. What is Danny being used for, if Gianni and Vince already exist? This is a weird recruiting program. Danny should know whether that's a pile of sand under the tarp, this sort of worksite is his home base. The gates shouldn't be open after the site closes down with only one dude left on site. The manager being the last to leave....is possible, but unlikely in my experience. The 50k should be sorted into packs of the standard handed out by banks, and wrapped with the little paper that says how much is in the pack. 50k is, in modern usa, not enough to cover even a single year of treatment for a chronic condition. Either this setting should be very clearly older or the amount should be higher. (Sorry if this is a bit much)
"Application Day" W-00
It took me well into Jeremy's spiel to get any understanding of what was happening. It's well structured and offers clues at a reasonable pace. Trying to keep the twist alive meant using rather vague terminology, which left it a bit harder to connect to emotionally.
"The start of something new" choodi
Simple and effective slice of life, relatable people, and hints at ptsd. It gets a lot across in a short time.
"The fire is fine" AaronD
I love the language variances for the different species. The simplistic speech patterns compared to the thoughts could get difficult in a longer piece. The story is interesting and I can see it being expanded. But, uh....are ant workers of that species male? Insect workers are often female.
"As Men Are" Charade
I love the concept of the ringfall, the false ringbearers, and the setting being a post-apocalyptic america. But a few tiny things take me out of it. 1. Beer in a glass bottle, i don't buy that the existing supply of macrobrews made it decades after ringfall, the beer should be served from a keg or five gallon ceramic jar, which doesn't match the scene. 2. The gore is off. Crushing a skull with a heated hand should result in a downward motion for the gore, searing of the blood vessels resulting in less blood ending up on the hand; it should instead be semi cooked brain matter with embedded skull fragments. 3. Roach is using a superior quality throwing knife for stabbing purposes, or the ringbearer used her powers to guide the knife, or she should have adjusted her grip to the blade and not the handle prior to throwing. If little things like that were fixed, I'd read a longer story of this world.
"One step further" UCBooties
The opening really suits the piece, showing that it is intended as a heroic epic. There's a lot of spelling errors here with homophones. In a couple of spots the wording is repetitious "kept his feet" and it feels like that was an accident because you otherwise worked hard on variety.
"What's at the end of the line" FlowersisBritish
Seems Mitchel was really not ready to die. He's surrounded by nice sounding people. Surely in eternity, somebody just...skips the line? Or does Mitchel eventually take a sharpie out of his pocket and draw a happy face on the wall, only to come round to it again in some number of steps forward?
"The waiting room" Arkestry
The setting was extremely evocative, it was possible to feel that I was waiting with the people. If this were an intro to a time travel or interdimensional scifi story, I'd be interested. As a stand-alone though, I've already forgotten the people, who didn't quite seem to be the focus, and only remember that they should have been choking on the dust, which got more screentime. They should not have been able to yell at each other and stuff, for being unable to breathe.
"Evacuation" Nezumi
You've managed to get a whole story in under the word limit, kudos. I have trouble with it. It works alone, or could easily be an intro to a longer story. Very believable. Some of it, particularly the bits about riots, was definitely told and not shown, although I understand part of that is from the protag's disconnect.
"Let it all out" Xagarath
Hilarious. I think most adults have had this job at least once. Easy to relate to the protag. Even though she could be a lot more productive.
"End of Days" Oyashiro-Sama
This could really use a couple of grammatical editing passes. I read it a couple of times to work out the intended words/sentence structure. For content, it has some lively phrases with good imagery. A couple of nit picky things. Rlemu loses her wings while moving forward-ish, then they land in front of her? And why is she referenced as naked? Wingless is naked? Otherwise an interesting twist.
"Mojo" DumbNameD
Well told, believable characters. Allie is funny. I get the feeling Liz is having it on with the world. While I really loved the twisted phrase "Bob's your iPhone", there's a lot of pop culture references which really dates works after a while.
"Lost Violent Souls" John Dunbar
Lol. Well executed. The little clues of the situation build up over time so reader can see when and where this is happening. A complete story with no need for more.
"Fame.." Ashes
You teach me a lot of words and concepts. I'm not sure if it's me, or your minimal writing style, but reading your stories takes effort - that is, to "see" the surrounding scenes. You don't do a lot of description or explanation. (That's not a negative) It would be interesting to see you do a lighter style. Most of your work ends with a question to think about, that I remember, and isn't just a light entertainment.
"Council of Sigma Hyperion" Magenta
I love the efforts you put in for the seals and weird-text etc. However, the aristokratika being numerically larger than the zwa doesn't quite follow if that's the only food source, it should be the other way around. I am left wondering if the two commanders are sharing a family name, or a title, and whether nepotism is a problem in the intergalactic society.
"Retirement Home" Sober
I had to read this twice to understand how you worked the twist in, and then it made way more sense how the narrator was being dragged around. "Nerves of steel", you got me. But in the end, I can't figure out how I'm there listening to the narrator, who sounds a little unreliable at the best of times. Also you spelled Havoctar's name wrong in one of the sentences I think. The world sounds interesting, but listening to this narrator tell stories is like listening to my mother tell stories.
"You're always on my mind" Dedication Through Light
Good use of the secondary. I didn't end up with a clear idea of what happened to irritate Henry so badly during the trials. But Henry himself is a fairly clear character. One sentence you typed Henry where I think you meant Arthur? And you have some run-on sentences that could use a comma. It might be improved by dropping the names Arthur and Mordred because they have a ton of baggage to them that I don't think you want in the actual story.
The Weights of Knowledge" Chainsawkitten
I understood the basic point of who Henry was in the second page. The end, brings up a lot of questions of treatment of AI in the world.
"A Star is born" Dongs Macabre
Lol the immediate response to focus testing is a horrible [potentially] coming reality. On the other hand, maybe I'll be in a focus group and get exactly the hero I need. The doctorbot's metal face was much too mobile for being metal. The phrasing of how expressions work could be adjusted a bit to be more robot-y.
"An escape" Rebel-TT
Very effective overall. Would recommend against using "dissociation" in the opening, it's too strong an assumption at that point. Also it could add in some comparative reality a little sooner to show the reader whether they're reading scifi or fantasy or modern day story. It included a lot of details about the narrator's life that show his condition; not sure whether adding his destination/purpose would add to or take away from it. I think it could work though. As is, he's kinda floating in space with his motivation.
"False starts" Mike
Right, next challenge I want this exact thing, rewritten for the workings of the tablet-thingy. In payment for my reading a doctoral thesis in an attempt to look up "novaly" and "tupacase", I am docking you for the grammatical structure of "having working in" unless you can prove to me it shouldn't be "worked".
"Her inner flame" Tangent
Aw, this is so sweet. The words are carefully chosen for each sentence picture and I love it. A few grammatical errors though.
"An Honest Job" Rivenblade
I like the general story structure, and McLean knows what's up. It's great that he understands his tools and just how lethal they are when used on humans. However, a lot of nitpicks pull me out of the story. What is Danny being used for, if Gianni and Vince already exist? This is a weird recruiting program. Danny should know whether that's a pile of sand under the tarp, this sort of worksite is his home base. The gates shouldn't be open after the site closes down with only one dude left on site. The manager being the last to leave....is possible, but unlikely in my experience. The 50k should be sorted into packs of the standard handed out by banks, and wrapped with the little paper that says how much is in the pack. 50k is, in modern usa, not enough to cover even a single year of treatment for a chronic condition. Either this setting should be very clearly older or the amount should be higher. (Sorry if this is a bit much)
"Application Day" W-00
It took me well into Jeremy's spiel to get any understanding of what was happening. It's well structured and offers clues at a reasonable pace. Trying to keep the twist alive meant using rather vague terminology, which left it a bit harder to connect to emotionally.
"The start of something new" choodi
Simple and effective slice of life, relatable people, and hints at ptsd. It gets a lot across in a short time.
"The fire is fine" AaronD
I love the language variances for the different species. The simplistic speech patterns compared to the thoughts could get difficult in a longer piece. The story is interesting and I can see it being expanded. But, uh....are ant workers of that species male? Insect workers are often female.
"As Men Are" Charade
I love the concept of the ringfall, the false ringbearers, and the setting being a post-apocalyptic america. But a few tiny things take me out of it. 1. Beer in a glass bottle, i don't buy that the existing supply of macrobrews made it decades after ringfall, the beer should be served from a keg or five gallon ceramic jar, which doesn't match the scene. 2. The gore is off. Crushing a skull with a heated hand should result in a downward motion for the gore, searing of the blood vessels resulting in less blood ending up on the hand; it should instead be semi cooked brain matter with embedded skull fragments. 3. Roach is using a superior quality throwing knife for stabbing purposes, or the ringbearer used her powers to guide the knife, or she should have adjusted her grip to the blade and not the handle prior to throwing. If little things like that were fixed, I'd read a longer story of this world.
"One step further" UCBooties
The opening really suits the piece, showing that it is intended as a heroic epic. There's a lot of spelling errors here with homophones. In a couple of spots the wording is repetitious "kept his feet" and it feels like that was an accident because you otherwise worked hard on variety.
"What's at the end of the line" FlowersisBritish
Seems Mitchel was really not ready to die. He's surrounded by nice sounding people. Surely in eternity, somebody just...skips the line? Or does Mitchel eventually take a sharpie out of his pocket and draw a happy face on the wall, only to come round to it again in some number of steps forward?
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Yeah cause this is the first one Mike! Everything we do from now on will be a record!
OP
OP
You're welcome for the low word limit. XD
Crap, now I'm thinking like Rivenblade. :P
You know what I meant, you pedantic drearien.
: P
Yeah, for me. Not everyone else.
needs several late entries to claim the record. at least one challenge had 24 entries at the old place.
Time to start reading, will leave impressions (unless its frowned upon)
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End of Days Oyashiro-Sama
Interesting and different take on the end of days rapture idea that was presented in an actiony type of way causing it to be compelling.
"Brain exploded with a silver white pain" kind of confused on this description.
Beyond that, I enjoyed how it was not only about the fall of man but the fall of an angel. I have to wonder what would Rlemu's future be at the true end of Earth.
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Council of Sigma Hyperion Magenta
Aw felt like a briefing that would make me want to see what stories could be told in this world. The background of the two subspecies of this pre warp civilization and their separate ideals clashing in their memorandum is interesting. I would like to know how Aristokratia would respond based on the rejected ruling.
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The Waiting Room Arkestry
Kind of ended up disliking the sister at first as she seemed mean and fairly unconcerned for the distressed and frightened mental state her brother appeared to be hiding/covering up (in my understanding). It seemed she wanted to take away the two things that served as his security blankets and almost ridicule him and the very idea of holding onto them or the thoughts of their past. In any event did like the change at the end for her showing she wasnt as cruel as I thought, though I would have wanted a bit more of the comforting feelings from her.
I will guess they were in some sort of war times area seeking freedom?
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End of Days Oyashiro-Sama
Interesting and different take on the end of days rapture idea that was presented in an actiony type of way causing it to be compelling.
"Brain exploded with a silver white pain" kind of confused on this description.
Beyond that, I enjoyed how it was not only about the fall of man but the fall of an angel. I have to wonder what would Rlemu's future be at the true end of Earth.
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Council of Sigma Hyperion Magenta
Aw felt like a briefing that would make me want to see what stories could be told in this world. The background of the two subspecies of this pre warp civilization and their separate ideals clashing in their memorandum is interesting. I would like to know how Aristokratia would respond based on the rejected ruling.
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The Waiting Room Arkestry
Kind of ended up disliking the sister at first as she seemed mean and fairly unconcerned for the distressed and frightened mental state her brother appeared to be hiding/covering up (in my understanding). It seemed she wanted to take away the two things that served as his security blankets and almost ridicule him and the very idea of holding onto them or the thoughts of their past. In any event did like the change at the end for her showing she wasnt as cruel as I thought, though I would have wanted a bit more of the comforting feelings from her.
I will guess they were in some sort of war times area seeking freedom?
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Read through the first half of what we've got so far, impressions below:
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End of Days by Oyashiro-Sama
This is an interesting idea, to blend two apocalypse into the same moment. I think that it's a bit strangled by the word count, as you're juggling a lot of ideas here, from there being a dearth of worthy people, to throwing in a second religious rapture on top of the first. It means that the turn at the end doesn't have quite enough room to breath, especially as the angel is attacked, which was more than a little hard to follow.
Council of Sigma Hyperion by Magenta
This is a fun format for a short story with a small wordcount, but I think you need to be more careful with the volume of terms that you throw at the reader. They already need to adjust to the format, and to then have every third word being an unfamiliar name or reference makes it pretty difficult to parse. Big fan of the presentation though.
The Weights of Knowledge by Chainsawkitten
I liked the final conceipt a lot more than the misdirection at the start. I don't really think you needed to try and bait and switch at all here, the core idea is strong enough, and horrifying enough, to be really drawn out from the start. On reflection, the questions asked of the protagonist don't make that much sense given what happens after, and seem to be mostly about creating an expectation in the reader.
A Star is Born! by Dongs Macabre
The idea of the birth of a personality through algorithmic means is a pretty interesting one, and I think it's an idea that could be pushed in some really fun directions. I think you missed a trick here by now having the interior voice change noticably over the course of the story, as more of the blanks about the character's personality are filled in. But it's still an entertaining read, and fits the short word count nicely.
The Start of Something New by choodi
Maybe it's just my cold, cold heart, but I think the ending of this one needed a lighter touch. I really like everything up to the final cut, (bar the wierdly particular description of how he would start to beat up the kids), but afterwards it felt a bit like you were rushing things to a cathartic finish. There was already a strong sense of a new start, a maturity in Albert that wasn't there before, and a strong sigh of relief at his first shift going well from his wife would've been fitting. Maybe it's just me.
The Fire is Fine by AaronD
I never really know how to react to things this anthropomorphic. They always read a bit dream-like to me, which is no bad thing, but it makes it hard for me to properly critique and digest. I did like the use of language for the different species, though.
An Escape by Rebel-TT
The juxtaposition between the tone and the situation in this is a bit jarring. It's lacking the urgency and velocity of the plane crash it describes, but by eschewing that it's allowed itself to meander through those thoughts it concerns itself with. I feel like that was a deliberate choice, so I won't condemn it for that, but onc eit's clear what's happening there does seem to be a lack of dread that should be there.
You're Always On My Mind by Dedication Through Light
I'm a bit confused why this involves Arthurian characters and maybe references? It seems the core of the story is concerning kids in school, which is totally fine, but I think the fantastical elements detract from that idea by distracting. It makes it hard to focus on what's going on, instead trying to figure out what Arthur and Mordred have to do with the proceedings. The core idea is fine but I was a bit flummoxed.
Let It All Out by Xagarath
This is nice. It's a really simple concept, but one that's not stretched out beyond what it needed to be, and I've got a lot of time (har har) for that. You don't squeeze it for more detail than is needed, and while there's not much actually going on, for what it is I think it's a success.
Hanalin by weemadarthur
I can't tell whether the parts preceeding the 'replacement' were meant to make it seem horrifying or just. Is her life supposed to be wasted, and if so, how is the replacement not wasting it, when the only change we see is that she's a bit more chipper the next day? If it's not being wasted, I'm not really sure where the replacement is supposed to come from, or who decided to instigate it. The Friend Center?
__________________
My apologies if I come off as a bit of a curmudgeon. I hope my criticism is constructive.
__________________
End of Days by Oyashiro-Sama
This is an interesting idea, to blend two apocalypse into the same moment. I think that it's a bit strangled by the word count, as you're juggling a lot of ideas here, from there being a dearth of worthy people, to throwing in a second religious rapture on top of the first. It means that the turn at the end doesn't have quite enough room to breath, especially as the angel is attacked, which was more than a little hard to follow.
Council of Sigma Hyperion by Magenta
This is a fun format for a short story with a small wordcount, but I think you need to be more careful with the volume of terms that you throw at the reader. They already need to adjust to the format, and to then have every third word being an unfamiliar name or reference makes it pretty difficult to parse. Big fan of the presentation though.
The Weights of Knowledge by Chainsawkitten
I liked the final conceipt a lot more than the misdirection at the start. I don't really think you needed to try and bait and switch at all here, the core idea is strong enough, and horrifying enough, to be really drawn out from the start. On reflection, the questions asked of the protagonist don't make that much sense given what happens after, and seem to be mostly about creating an expectation in the reader.
A Star is Born! by Dongs Macabre
The idea of the birth of a personality through algorithmic means is a pretty interesting one, and I think it's an idea that could be pushed in some really fun directions. I think you missed a trick here by now having the interior voice change noticably over the course of the story, as more of the blanks about the character's personality are filled in. But it's still an entertaining read, and fits the short word count nicely.
The Start of Something New by choodi
Maybe it's just my cold, cold heart, but I think the ending of this one needed a lighter touch. I really like everything up to the final cut, (bar the wierdly particular description of how he would start to beat up the kids), but afterwards it felt a bit like you were rushing things to a cathartic finish. There was already a strong sense of a new start, a maturity in Albert that wasn't there before, and a strong sigh of relief at his first shift going well from his wife would've been fitting. Maybe it's just me.
The Fire is Fine by AaronD
I never really know how to react to things this anthropomorphic. They always read a bit dream-like to me, which is no bad thing, but it makes it hard for me to properly critique and digest. I did like the use of language for the different species, though.
An Escape by Rebel-TT
The juxtaposition between the tone and the situation in this is a bit jarring. It's lacking the urgency and velocity of the plane crash it describes, but by eschewing that it's allowed itself to meander through those thoughts it concerns itself with. I feel like that was a deliberate choice, so I won't condemn it for that, but onc eit's clear what's happening there does seem to be a lack of dread that should be there.
You're Always On My Mind by Dedication Through Light
I'm a bit confused why this involves Arthurian characters and maybe references? It seems the core of the story is concerning kids in school, which is totally fine, but I think the fantastical elements detract from that idea by distracting. It makes it hard to focus on what's going on, instead trying to figure out what Arthur and Mordred have to do with the proceedings. The core idea is fine but I was a bit flummoxed.
Let It All Out by Xagarath
This is nice. It's a really simple concept, but one that's not stretched out beyond what it needed to be, and I've got a lot of time (har har) for that. You don't squeeze it for more detail than is needed, and while there's not much actually going on, for what it is I think it's a success.
Hanalin by weemadarthur
I can't tell whether the parts preceeding the 'replacement' were meant to make it seem horrifying or just. Is her life supposed to be wasted, and if so, how is the replacement not wasting it, when the only change we see is that she's a bit more chipper the next day? If it's not being wasted, I'm not really sure where the replacement is supposed to come from, or who decided to instigate it. The Friend Center?
__________________
My apologies if I come off as a bit of a curmudgeon. I hope my criticism is constructive.
The Weights of Knowledge Chainsawkitten
On the surface Henry's story seemed interesting due to his blackout situations, however at the end it seemed like he was just hit with a string of bad luck. As I read through I started to wonder if he had even been human. The ending perhaps implies that he is just a neural network who is being trained with experiences. However, if that was the case, it does raise the question why is his data point at 2 instead of a random value that included the sum of all his other experiences? Additionally perhaps something needed to be included to say what this network was being trained for? I suspect, as anti harassment measures? Provocative concept and ultimately one that left me thinking.
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A Star is Born! Dongs Macabre
The character creation concept seemed fittingly well for the prompt for this creative writing challenge. It seems chillingly relevant. However, it was unclear what the season is referring too, is it a toy being sold, or is it a robot going on sale to fight in an unknown war so it needed a convincing story to remain in line? I think if we knew that then it would have strengthed the story immensely.
One of the backstories would have been interesting on its own though.
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On the surface Henry's story seemed interesting due to his blackout situations, however at the end it seemed like he was just hit with a string of bad luck. As I read through I started to wonder if he had even been human. The ending perhaps implies that he is just a neural network who is being trained with experiences. However, if that was the case, it does raise the question why is his data point at 2 instead of a random value that included the sum of all his other experiences? Additionally perhaps something needed to be included to say what this network was being trained for? I suspect, as anti harassment measures? Provocative concept and ultimately one that left me thinking.
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A Star is Born! Dongs Macabre
The character creation concept seemed fittingly well for the prompt for this creative writing challenge. It seems chillingly relevant. However, it was unclear what the season is referring too, is it a toy being sold, or is it a robot going on sale to fight in an unknown war so it needed a convincing story to remain in line? I think if we knew that then it would have strengthed the story immensely.
One of the backstories would have been interesting on its own though.
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I'm planning on doing feedback this week, but it's gonna be short. Lots of entries, and I'm out of town on Monday which is when I usually do it.
The Start of Something New choodi
I found Albert's story to be pretty sensible, grounded, and in some ways relatable. Even if he had to go through so many times perhaps jobless or even laid off and through disappointments with getting nothing, just the basic aspect of landing a new job and finally starting somewhere, able to look up and look forward, it felt like a great reward for him. I found it inspiring and extremely memorable.
The teenagers part and his response and handling of it was probably my favorite part.
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The Fire is Fine AaronD
It was unclear what the burning chitter felt after the encounter with the spired, as well as how his and grubs body had been burned when he had fled before the human had spotted him? Maybe Im missing something.
Also otherwise an interesting take on the theme to use ants rising up in rebellion as the premise however, it seems that whatever they accomplished had been short lived as order had been restored and a new queen already put in place. He also seemed forgotten when they returned, sad.
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An Escape Rebel-TT
The last third seemed a bit unclear and vague. Perhaps more details about the situation he/they were going through would have helped? I'm going to take a guess and say they were in the middle of preparing for some type of crash landing of sorts. I think it was slightly also unclear why he wanted to get away from everyone when for all purposes shown he had good relations with everyone and his pets, as well as had lived a good life.
The first 2/3rds was really strong and had me really hooked
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Let It All Out Xagarath
Short, simple, and to the point. I was always interested in what plays out in the minds of people when they are in that transitionary period of going from one hourly job to another one. Im surprised Julia would shout like that if she wanted to keep getting money. Then again it is the final half an hour so I dont think anyone would punish her for it. Oh well, for her shes excited for her new beginning.
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Hanalin weemadarthur
*mindblown* Right when I thought nothing eventful was going to happen and it was just another slice of life moment THAT happens. Really masterful way to give Hana her new beginning.
I do wish we knew what this replacement was (robot, alien capable of copying, etc?)
Really memorable story.
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Retirement Home Sober
Im just a little lost how the title relates to the story. Im also going to say it was unclear who the narrator was, but Im going to guess it was the sword the whole time and there are two talking swords?
Pretty fun travels the group went on, it just kind of makes me wish we could get more stories in this world you created as so many of their adventures sounded pretty fun.
I found Albert's story to be pretty sensible, grounded, and in some ways relatable. Even if he had to go through so many times perhaps jobless or even laid off and through disappointments with getting nothing, just the basic aspect of landing a new job and finally starting somewhere, able to look up and look forward, it felt like a great reward for him. I found it inspiring and extremely memorable.
The teenagers part and his response and handling of it was probably my favorite part.
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The Fire is Fine AaronD
It was unclear what the burning chitter felt after the encounter with the spired, as well as how his and grubs body had been burned when he had fled before the human had spotted him? Maybe Im missing something.
Also otherwise an interesting take on the theme to use ants rising up in rebellion as the premise however, it seems that whatever they accomplished had been short lived as order had been restored and a new queen already put in place. He also seemed forgotten when they returned, sad.
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An Escape Rebel-TT
The last third seemed a bit unclear and vague. Perhaps more details about the situation he/they were going through would have helped? I'm going to take a guess and say they were in the middle of preparing for some type of crash landing of sorts. I think it was slightly also unclear why he wanted to get away from everyone when for all purposes shown he had good relations with everyone and his pets, as well as had lived a good life.
The first 2/3rds was really strong and had me really hooked
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Let It All Out Xagarath
Short, simple, and to the point. I was always interested in what plays out in the minds of people when they are in that transitionary period of going from one hourly job to another one. Im surprised Julia would shout like that if she wanted to keep getting money. Then again it is the final half an hour so I dont think anyone would punish her for it. Oh well, for her shes excited for her new beginning.
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Hanalin weemadarthur
*mindblown* Right when I thought nothing eventful was going to happen and it was just another slice of life moment THAT happens. Really masterful way to give Hana her new beginning.
I do wish we knew what this replacement was (robot, alien capable of copying, etc?)
Really memorable story.
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Retirement Home Sober
Im just a little lost how the title relates to the story. Im also going to say it was unclear who the narrator was, but Im going to guess it was the sword the whole time and there are two talking swords?
Pretty fun travels the group went on, it just kind of makes me wish we could get more stories in this world you created as so many of their adventures sounded pretty fun.
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