Love Barnaby! Out of exile and into the darkness! Yeah, baby! Yeah!
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RE: Creative Writing Challenge #009: "Out of Exile"
- Thread starter Claire Delune
- Start date
Love Barnaby! Out of exile and into the darkness! Yeah, baby! Yeah!
OP
OP
There're no rules governing it. Republic of Thieves is 50% flashback. Fight Club is like 95% flashback. It's an artistic choice thing.
Coming up with ideas for this challenge is haaaaaaard. Kinda excited to edit with a thesaurus though.
OP
OP
I think the hard part for mine will be for anyone to tell which are the actual new words for me ; )
gah.... the deadline coming up on this one makes me realize how much I am sucking at reading and getting back to people on the last one @_@.
*sigh* I'm sorry to all I haven't gotten to. The stuff in my main story has just been more time consuming than expected and after I get done planning and writing for hours on end I feel like just veging out on something like Itadaki Street instead of reading @_@
*sigh* I'm sorry to all I haven't gotten to. The stuff in my main story has just been more time consuming than expected and after I get done planning and writing for hours on end I feel like just veging out on something like Itadaki Street instead of reading @_@
OP
OP
I highly encourage everyone to give up and let me claim yet another twofer uncontested. You'll never best my brobdingnagian vocabulary.
Oh, frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!
Fuck, now that I think about it trying to make up new words would have been a fun idea.
OP
OP
The good 'ol verbiogenesis secondary objective.
"Mike, isn't that called a neologism?"
SHUT UP AND LET ME HAVE THIS.
Can't go for three if you don't win two...
Of course, now I feel like I peaked with my stupid renascence fanfic and will never again attain such heights... :-P
Eh i might give up. Not feeling this story I have for this challenge at all. Not even a thesaurus can save my lazy writing
#title: The Summons
#entry
Went to try something different for the endings I typically do. Also first superhero story, hope it was clear.
Thanks for reading and commenting.
#entry
Went to try something different for the endings I typically do. Also first superhero story, hope it was clear.
Thanks for reading and commenting.
#title: Ancient Shadows (1267 words)
#entry
Rushed the ending if you couldn't tell. Went into "Just write anything to finish it" mode.
#entry
Rushed the ending if you couldn't tell. Went into "Just write anything to finish it" mode.
OP
OP
#title: A cesspit of septic lies, deceit and drama
#entry
1342
Not sure about this one. I tried something different.
#entry
1342
Not sure about this one. I tried something different.
#title: The Girl Wandering the Beach
About 2000 words
#entry with usual password (QUOTE TO SEE)
About 2000 words
#entry with usual password (QUOTE TO SEE)
Hidden content
Votes:
1. Xenoterra by Mike
2. An Unexpected Message by Blackie
3. Exile to Eden by Magenta
HM: Worse Judgments by Dongs Macabre
Awesome ending Mike.
Blackie, your Barnaby character is fun to follow. Hope Barnaby becomes a full fledged book one day.
Magenta, All I want is a real frickin' burger is a funny way to get exiled. I like it!
EDIT: Fixed An unexpected message by Blackie
1. Xenoterra by Mike
2. An Unexpected Message by Blackie
3. Exile to Eden by Magenta
HM: Worse Judgments by Dongs Macabre
Awesome ending Mike.
Blackie, your Barnaby character is fun to follow. Hope Barnaby becomes a full fledged book one day.
Magenta, All I want is a real frickin' burger is a funny way to get exiled. I like it!
EDIT: Fixed An unexpected message by Blackie
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Entries:
Brewha - 202X - The Wall Comes Down'
choodi - A cesspit of septic lies, deceit and drama'
Dedication Through Light - The Summons
Rivenblade - Ancient Shadows
Mike - Xenoterra
Dongs Macabre - Worse Judgments
Magenta - Exile to Eden
FlowersisBritish - The Girl Wandering the Beach
Blackie - untitled
Aaron - untitled
Brewha - 202X - The Wall Comes Down'
choodi - A cesspit of septic lies, deceit and drama'
Dedication Through Light - The Summons
Rivenblade - Ancient Shadows
Mike - Xenoterra
Dongs Macabre - Worse Judgments
Magenta - Exile to Eden
FlowersisBritish - The Girl Wandering the Beach
Blackie - untitled
Aaron - untitled
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Does my vote for An Unexpected Message still count? Sorry about the garbage at the end of the list, the duplucate entries thing.
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OP
OP
Sorry, my bad. Fixed my post. Meant An Unexpected Message by Blackie.
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An Unexpected Message by Blackie
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The story seemed to provide a strong basis for a story that could be about a potential modern world woven with the threads of a fantasy.
Unfortunately, I do think it lacks a certain something to make it interesting or believable. Where were these types of things in his normal day to day life? How was Andrei keeping it hidden, or rather all these people, and in this tiny village? There's just lots of things with the premise that makes it challenging for me to really connect with. Maybe if the darkness were introduced way earlier in the story and with more details, then I could have maybe began to appreciate it.
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Onward to Europe by AaronD
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This was a wonderful introduction to a story about a journey from a land of no hopes to a new world. I did want a few more details about both the origin but also the destination. It would have helped to get the Kids motivation for leaving and what was so promising about where she was going. Similarly, details about the motivations of the cast would have helped too. I dont think it was ever established what the Monk or Serpent were truly getting out of this. The Captain had the promise of gold and potentially alcohol, but I do wonder if there was more to his desire to do this, like was it simply just asking him to captain the ship or was there a bit more to it than that.
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202X - The Wall Comes Down by Brewha
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Omg why was this so short, it had several things I love. All the advanced scientifically driven weaponry was amazing, though I think the vortex blaster needed to be defined. It was also interesting that even though such advanced items exist routine archaic weapons like miniguns or standard issue guns and armored cars still exist. I like this fusion of advanced weaponry and legacy weaponry.
This had the pieces in place to be an amazing story, however it needed many details surrounding the purpose of the wall, the reason for the fight, and more about the motivations driving why people would desire to switch sides. I would be interested in more of this world.
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Ancient Shadows by Rivenblade
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I liked this a lot. I would have liked a few more details as it didnt seem clear to me that we had any idea of how Luvik looked. But additional details in terms of plot could have helped. I was a bit confused on how/why the torch appeared to help Luvik fend of Lord Valen and similarly how/why it ended up being lit when Luvik touched it.
Really intriguing short story.
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Xenoterra by Mike
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Darn kind of figured it would end that way since he was pretty aged and had an affectionate view of wanting to experience the sea once again. Though also the word count/page count kind of spoils what type of ending this would have due to the trip occurring in like the final 90% of the story.
Overall I loved it, maybe a bit too heavy on the uncommon word front that it caused me a few issues in immersion, but otherwise it was such an awesomely described world and organism. I do wonder where it came from and also how they managed to get people from the Earth to this massive oscillating structure in time. The otherworldly organism appears to grow so fast as well, so it makes me wonder even more what was done.
Were there people in the Research Unit that got contaminated? It wasnt clear if they suffered losses, or how the organism affects humans.
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Worse Judgment by Dongs Macabre
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I like the idea of both characters adopting the persona of their idea of hero and antagonist. Was an interesting world too that it was even being celebrated upon, when usually heroes like the Ducchess wouldnt be glamorized and celebrated.
Liked the ending twist of sorts.
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A cesspit of septic lies, deceit and drama by choodi
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I think some of the word choices inhibited my enjoyment of the first paragraph, which would have been extremely strong with other choices.
Overall an interesting interpretation of the effects of social media on the human soul in modernity. Of course, I think the main character doesnt highlight any of the positive things that could be seen on the platform in discussion. Though I would also say the main character is also probably the reason they are getting these feelings. The main doesnt need to leave comments or browse that deeply or intimately on the site. The main also doesnt need to think that hard about photos.
I think this gets the award for one of the entries that I can see part of myself in.
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Exile to Eden by Magenta
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I thought this was a pretty great story for settling on a new world. I think there were a few details that could have been provided, for example how were dogs there and what explains their action. Also how was a maiden freed from exile, were more people brought over? Were there some other developments in the settlement?
Really intriguing and suspenseful story as a tale of one man's survival.
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The Girl Wandering the Beach FlowersisBritish
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Pretty interesting story, feels like a modern take on the fables of old. All that was needed was some message of morality which I can kind of taste and see and it'd have been perfect for a more mature take on the idea. Really nice and simple story, and the animal characters felt like they were pretty well done for a serious story.
An Unexpected Message by Blackie
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The story seemed to provide a strong basis for a story that could be about a potential modern world woven with the threads of a fantasy.
Unfortunately, I do think it lacks a certain something to make it interesting or believable. Where were these types of things in his normal day to day life? How was Andrei keeping it hidden, or rather all these people, and in this tiny village? There's just lots of things with the premise that makes it challenging for me to really connect with. Maybe if the darkness were introduced way earlier in the story and with more details, then I could have maybe began to appreciate it.
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Onward to Europe by AaronD
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This was a wonderful introduction to a story about a journey from a land of no hopes to a new world. I did want a few more details about both the origin but also the destination. It would have helped to get the Kids motivation for leaving and what was so promising about where she was going. Similarly, details about the motivations of the cast would have helped too. I dont think it was ever established what the Monk or Serpent were truly getting out of this. The Captain had the promise of gold and potentially alcohol, but I do wonder if there was more to his desire to do this, like was it simply just asking him to captain the ship or was there a bit more to it than that.
------------------
202X - The Wall Comes Down by Brewha
------------------
Omg why was this so short, it had several things I love. All the advanced scientifically driven weaponry was amazing, though I think the vortex blaster needed to be defined. It was also interesting that even though such advanced items exist routine archaic weapons like miniguns or standard issue guns and armored cars still exist. I like this fusion of advanced weaponry and legacy weaponry.
This had the pieces in place to be an amazing story, however it needed many details surrounding the purpose of the wall, the reason for the fight, and more about the motivations driving why people would desire to switch sides. I would be interested in more of this world.
-----------------
Ancient Shadows by Rivenblade
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I liked this a lot. I would have liked a few more details as it didnt seem clear to me that we had any idea of how Luvik looked. But additional details in terms of plot could have helped. I was a bit confused on how/why the torch appeared to help Luvik fend of Lord Valen and similarly how/why it ended up being lit when Luvik touched it.
Really intriguing short story.
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Xenoterra by Mike
-------------------
Darn kind of figured it would end that way since he was pretty aged and had an affectionate view of wanting to experience the sea once again. Though also the word count/page count kind of spoils what type of ending this would have due to the trip occurring in like the final 90% of the story.
Overall I loved it, maybe a bit too heavy on the uncommon word front that it caused me a few issues in immersion, but otherwise it was such an awesomely described world and organism. I do wonder where it came from and also how they managed to get people from the Earth to this massive oscillating structure in time. The otherworldly organism appears to grow so fast as well, so it makes me wonder even more what was done.
Were there people in the Research Unit that got contaminated? It wasnt clear if they suffered losses, or how the organism affects humans.
---------------------
Worse Judgment by Dongs Macabre
---------------------
I like the idea of both characters adopting the persona of their idea of hero and antagonist. Was an interesting world too that it was even being celebrated upon, when usually heroes like the Ducchess wouldnt be glamorized and celebrated.
Liked the ending twist of sorts.
----------------------
A cesspit of septic lies, deceit and drama by choodi
----------------------
I think some of the word choices inhibited my enjoyment of the first paragraph, which would have been extremely strong with other choices.
Overall an interesting interpretation of the effects of social media on the human soul in modernity. Of course, I think the main character doesnt highlight any of the positive things that could be seen on the platform in discussion. Though I would also say the main character is also probably the reason they are getting these feelings. The main doesnt need to leave comments or browse that deeply or intimately on the site. The main also doesnt need to think that hard about photos.
I think this gets the award for one of the entries that I can see part of myself in.
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Exile to Eden by Magenta
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I thought this was a pretty great story for settling on a new world. I think there were a few details that could have been provided, for example how were dogs there and what explains their action. Also how was a maiden freed from exile, were more people brought over? Were there some other developments in the settlement?
Really intriguing and suspenseful story as a tale of one man's survival.
-----------------------
The Girl Wandering the Beach FlowersisBritish
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Pretty interesting story, feels like a modern take on the fables of old. All that was needed was some message of morality which I can kind of taste and see and it'd have been perfect for a more mature take on the idea. Really nice and simple story, and the animal characters felt like they were pretty well done for a serious story.
Although I won't officially start working on this book for a couple more years, 2028: Dark Times Call for a Dark Story leads up to this. The Out of Exile theme got me to write this scene. Currently working on a comedy.
PDF version:
https://drive.google.com/open?id=1sATeqsqcc7ttfhhKVzWMabTF27GL6HDP
Ebook version:
https://drive.google.com/open?id=1_qBLgpGU2MNWEZ_DWOc7nQgrW_9xWcwl
My votes:
1. FlowersisBritish: I really like the world. There's just something about stories where animals and humans talk to each other and it's no big deal that works so much better than if they had been human characters.
2. Rivenblade: Really neat short story. Normally fantasy isn't my thing, but I really liked this.
3. Mike: I loved the ending.
1. FlowersisBritish: I really like the world. There's just something about stories where animals and humans talk to each other and it's no big deal that works so much better than if they had been human characters.
2. Rivenblade: Really neat short story. Normally fantasy isn't my thing, but I really liked this.
3. Mike: I loved the ending.
Votes:
1- Blackie
2- Flowers
3- Rivenblade
Brewha - Some serious sci-fi action, but needs context for the reader to get invested.
choodi - It's really more of a rant than a story. Not enough personal detail or flavor.
Dedication - I don't think you should start with a long conversation before I know what the speakers are talking about. Without context, it's hard for me as a reader to get invested.
Rivenblade - I like the mood of this a lot, but I wish you had varied it up with little bits of physical action to make it feel less static. And something more than a typical adventurer.
Mike - The MC is interesting so I wish the story had been more personal. There's a lot of expositional dialogue that felt unneeded, and things the characters would never actually say in 'real life.'
Dongs - I love the concept, but the execution is a lot of tell and not nearly enough show. Focus on fleshing out the moment she's released from prison and let things play out.
Magenta - Instead of starting after the inciting incident and throwing a ton of exposition at the reader, start with the crime in progress and let in the world naturally. Your ideas are great, but as it's written, the ideas are overwhelming your story.
Flowers - While it's a lovely dark story and the talking animals give it a nice twist, the fact that there's really no one to blame makes it on the whole feel a bit toothless.
Blackie - Great story that does a lot in a little space to build characters and narrative momentum, but if you're not aware 'the Darkness' is already a comic book character.
1- Blackie
2- Flowers
3- Rivenblade
Brewha - Some serious sci-fi action, but needs context for the reader to get invested.
choodi - It's really more of a rant than a story. Not enough personal detail or flavor.
Dedication - I don't think you should start with a long conversation before I know what the speakers are talking about. Without context, it's hard for me as a reader to get invested.
Rivenblade - I like the mood of this a lot, but I wish you had varied it up with little bits of physical action to make it feel less static. And something more than a typical adventurer.
Mike - The MC is interesting so I wish the story had been more personal. There's a lot of expositional dialogue that felt unneeded, and things the characters would never actually say in 'real life.'
Dongs - I love the concept, but the execution is a lot of tell and not nearly enough show. Focus on fleshing out the moment she's released from prison and let things play out.
Magenta - Instead of starting after the inciting incident and throwing a ton of exposition at the reader, start with the crime in progress and let in the world naturally. Your ideas are great, but as it's written, the ideas are overwhelming your story.
Flowers - While it's a lovely dark story and the talking animals give it a nice twist, the fact that there's really no one to blame makes it on the whole feel a bit toothless.
Blackie - Great story that does a lot in a little space to build characters and narrative momentum, but if you're not aware 'the Darkness' is already a comic book character.
Feedback as I go...
Brewha - I really like your style. It's clean and efficient. That said, this needed more context to make me feel invested. As is, it's a neat little action piece that I'm going to forget minus the fact that it's about blasting the wall between the States and Mexico.
choodi - I feel ya, buddy. I keep thinking of cutting myself off from social media Hell cold turkey but then think of missing out on invites, life updates of friends, etc. It can be a truly shitty place, though, and is, more often than not. I hate the curated reality that I sometimes know I myself take part in creating for my friends. Because, like, what's my brand, man? I dug this, but the new vocab words stuck out like a sore thumb and broke up the flow you had going from time to time.
Dedication Through Light - Your writing skills have leveled up! Good descriptive work and flow of words in this story, though there was definitely more reliance on telling the reader things instead of showing them. That's fine too, sometimes. I also liked the ending and the idea of wiping criminals' minds instead of killing them. That's a really cool premise for a sci-fi story, and I'd be shocked if someone hasn't already written it. If they haven't, you should be the first. It's a cool idea. Also, way to go on showing restraint with your exclamation marks. Just don't cut them out completely. Use them when a character shouts or yells! Pretty cool story overall.
Mike - Nice ending. The verbosity made the story a bit of a slog, though. But perhaps I'm just not up to the level it's written at. I love me some sci-fi, and it's clear you do too, though I've gathered you enjoy the hard brand of it. Which is cool. This one didn't work for me as well as the last one, though. Could've used a cat girl or four.
Dongs Macabre - I vaguely remember your Duchess story. At least the character's name is familiar. Maybe re-reading it would have made this one resonate more with me. Your actual writing is as solid as ever, but I didn't totally connect with what was going on here. I'd be curious to know your thought process and what you were going for with this one. :)
Magenta - This had some pretty nice writing. That diarrhea, though...*shudder*. So uncomfortable to read and imagine. In a good way. I'm not sure I've ever heard the term "raw water." Is that a word combo people use? Anyway, I enjoyed bits and pieces of this, but thought it was a little too jumpy. What was that end bit about a maiden? I demand answers!
FlowersisBritish - You've been churning out some quality stuff over the past few challenges. I dug this though I was hoping for more of a resolution by the end, but that's just my own desire for completion. I liked the dialogue and legit LOLd at "Then I squish!" (Or some variation of that) an enjoyable piece. Thanks for sharing it.
Blackie - You've got the touch! Very well-written piece with nice descriptive work. You get a good sense of the world around these characters, and they've all got pretty distinct personalities. Looking forward to reading more in the future. Definitely a good idea to submit it!
AaronD - This was good fun. I dug the tone and enjoyed the characters. I guess I only wish it were a little bit longer. You've got very efficient descriptive skills and use solid similes. Hope I get there too one day. This story inspired me a bit to flesh out my work more in the future.
Votes:
1. AaronD
2. Blackie
3. Flowers
HM: Dedication Through Light
Brewha - I really like your style. It's clean and efficient. That said, this needed more context to make me feel invested. As is, it's a neat little action piece that I'm going to forget minus the fact that it's about blasting the wall between the States and Mexico.
choodi - I feel ya, buddy. I keep thinking of cutting myself off from social media Hell cold turkey but then think of missing out on invites, life updates of friends, etc. It can be a truly shitty place, though, and is, more often than not. I hate the curated reality that I sometimes know I myself take part in creating for my friends. Because, like, what's my brand, man? I dug this, but the new vocab words stuck out like a sore thumb and broke up the flow you had going from time to time.
Dedication Through Light - Your writing skills have leveled up! Good descriptive work and flow of words in this story, though there was definitely more reliance on telling the reader things instead of showing them. That's fine too, sometimes. I also liked the ending and the idea of wiping criminals' minds instead of killing them. That's a really cool premise for a sci-fi story, and I'd be shocked if someone hasn't already written it. If they haven't, you should be the first. It's a cool idea. Also, way to go on showing restraint with your exclamation marks. Just don't cut them out completely. Use them when a character shouts or yells! Pretty cool story overall.
Mike - Nice ending. The verbosity made the story a bit of a slog, though. But perhaps I'm just not up to the level it's written at. I love me some sci-fi, and it's clear you do too, though I've gathered you enjoy the hard brand of it. Which is cool. This one didn't work for me as well as the last one, though. Could've used a cat girl or four.
Dongs Macabre - I vaguely remember your Duchess story. At least the character's name is familiar. Maybe re-reading it would have made this one resonate more with me. Your actual writing is as solid as ever, but I didn't totally connect with what was going on here. I'd be curious to know your thought process and what you were going for with this one. :)
Magenta - This had some pretty nice writing. That diarrhea, though...*shudder*. So uncomfortable to read and imagine. In a good way. I'm not sure I've ever heard the term "raw water." Is that a word combo people use? Anyway, I enjoyed bits and pieces of this, but thought it was a little too jumpy. What was that end bit about a maiden? I demand answers!
FlowersisBritish - You've been churning out some quality stuff over the past few challenges. I dug this though I was hoping for more of a resolution by the end, but that's just my own desire for completion. I liked the dialogue and legit LOLd at "Then I squish!" (Or some variation of that) an enjoyable piece. Thanks for sharing it.
Blackie - You've got the touch! Very well-written piece with nice descriptive work. You get a good sense of the world around these characters, and they've all got pretty distinct personalities. Looking forward to reading more in the future. Definitely a good idea to submit it!
AaronD - This was good fun. I dug the tone and enjoyed the characters. I guess I only wish it were a little bit longer. You've got very efficient descriptive skills and use solid similes. Hope I get there too one day. This story inspired me a bit to flesh out my work more in the future.
Votes:
1. AaronD
2. Blackie
3. Flowers
HM: Dedication Through Light
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OP
OP
Alright, votes. Feedback will have to come sometime tomorrow if at all from me, as I spent most of my afternoon being stabbed repeatedly with needles and am not quite in the mood for it today. But for those wondering, the only new word in my story was right up front; "zaffre." The other potential likely suspects are mostly just me flexing a scientific background : P
Anyway, votes:
1. FlowersisBritish
2. Aaron
3. Blackie
Anyway, votes:
1. FlowersisBritish
2. Aaron
3. Blackie
You went deep. Nice! I haven't read The Outsider/The Stranger in over a decade. I only remember the initial beach scene. Good luck working more on this one. It can get there with revisions.
Hate to be "that guy," but Blackie's story is 400 words over the limit. Reads well, but try to respect the word count on the next go around!
OP
OP
Blackie, any chance you uploaded the wrong draft?
EDIT: I C&P'd the story into MS Word, and it is indeed only about 2300 words. Somethings up with Google Doc's word count.
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2020x - The Wall Comes Down was short! Lot's of military action in this one. Had some questions not answered for me but I'm sure there is more to the story.
Onward to Europe! was very interesting to me. Had some nice concepts that really made me think. I somehow got enoyable shades of science fiction and fantasy! I would probably be fascinated by the mythology/history of this one. Inventive.
The Summons had some nice heft and flow. Set the stage nicely to start, definite character progression. Great passion between the characters too, explored emotions thoroughly.
Ancient Shadows captivated me with it's fantasy. Totally adored the aesthetic and names were great. Luvik! Nice mythology here too, gave me shades of different ideas. Ending tied things up well.
Xenoterra went some places I wasn't expecting! Enjoyed the dialogue stylings. Military fiction is actually a soft spot of mine so more is somehow always welcome, haha. Concepts were certainly dope, loved the imagination of the superorganism and would be interested in hearing more of the proposed science behind it. Nice ending too :)
Worse Judgements confused me on a couple of points but I really enjoyed it. Felt extremely well put together, good pacing. I almost hoped his superhero friend (OG Duchess) had come back to life in a twist but then it was actually a ghost! Cathertic ending as well.
A Cesspit Of Septic Lies, Deceit and Drama was very conversational. Interesting entry, stood out from the pack for sure. Some of the ideology was quite interesting!
Exile to Eden was quite a rollercoaster for me! Pacing was unorthodox and idea of Forginator had cool ramifications. The ending caught me off guard but I loved the return to nature. Could become a pleasant exile ^_^
The Girl Wandering the Beach was great! I loved the imagery and it just had a lovely quality to it. The Pelican and the Girl had some intering twists and turns too, kept my attention well. I have no idea about the possession thing or the mythology of the world but could be ripe for further stories/expansion ;)
1. The Girl Wandering The Beach by FlowersisBritish
2. Onward To Europe! by AaronD
3. Ancient Shadows by Rivenblade
*ALSO: thanks to everyone for the kind and/or constructive words, means so much to get thoughtful feedback :D
Onward to Europe! was very interesting to me. Had some nice concepts that really made me think. I somehow got enoyable shades of science fiction and fantasy! I would probably be fascinated by the mythology/history of this one. Inventive.
The Summons had some nice heft and flow. Set the stage nicely to start, definite character progression. Great passion between the characters too, explored emotions thoroughly.
Ancient Shadows captivated me with it's fantasy. Totally adored the aesthetic and names were great. Luvik! Nice mythology here too, gave me shades of different ideas. Ending tied things up well.
Xenoterra went some places I wasn't expecting! Enjoyed the dialogue stylings. Military fiction is actually a soft spot of mine so more is somehow always welcome, haha. Concepts were certainly dope, loved the imagination of the superorganism and would be interested in hearing more of the proposed science behind it. Nice ending too :)
Worse Judgements confused me on a couple of points but I really enjoyed it. Felt extremely well put together, good pacing. I almost hoped his superhero friend (OG Duchess) had come back to life in a twist but then it was actually a ghost! Cathertic ending as well.
A Cesspit Of Septic Lies, Deceit and Drama was very conversational. Interesting entry, stood out from the pack for sure. Some of the ideology was quite interesting!
Exile to Eden was quite a rollercoaster for me! Pacing was unorthodox and idea of Forginator had cool ramifications. The ending caught me off guard but I loved the return to nature. Could become a pleasant exile ^_^
The Girl Wandering the Beach was great! I loved the imagery and it just had a lovely quality to it. The Pelican and the Girl had some intering twists and turns too, kept my attention well. I have no idea about the possession thing or the mythology of the world but could be ripe for further stories/expansion ;)
1. The Girl Wandering The Beach by FlowersisBritish
2. Onward To Europe! by AaronD
3. Ancient Shadows by Rivenblade
*ALSO: thanks to everyone for the kind and/or constructive words, means so much to get thoughtful feedback :D
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can you include the user names with the rankings? just makes it easier. to figure out what user is winning the votes ^^;
Raw water..just a fun term to describe water that isn't boiled. The maiden is the idea that a young woman will eventually be exiled or run away from the craziness as well and she will end up with David, so she gave him a happy ending. *no pun intended
My votes:
#1- Mike- Xenoterra -Wow. Amazing.
#2 - FlowersisBritish - The Girl Wandering the Beach - equally Wow and Amazing. Was a toss vote for me.
#3 - Dedication Through Light- The Summons - I loved the realism and emotion put into the story.
Some votes:
HM: Magenta
And some comments
Blackie - An Unexpected Message: Welcome aboard. Small thing, you should try and avoid having characters speak aloud in empty spaces where they're not talking to anyone. Just put it as a 'he thought to himself' or something. I enjoyed the swerve to fantasy bar and I wished we got there a bit quicker (if he's late to work in the beginning, why stop by a friends place?) and also lingered at the party more. Him getting in on a group cheer with fantasy people was fun and the bar scene could have used more drunken antics.
Aaron D - Onward to Europe: Wowowowow this was a weird one. I liked all the weirdos on this pirate crew and I think you did some really creative things with them, especially the monk and his copies. This is one of those times where I'd say naming characters by descriptions other than proper names works because there are so many characters it would be tough to keep track of who is who in such a short story. Lots of creative stuff but it all felt a bit too random for my taste. But hey, that's how dreams are.
Brewha - 202X: This is a really small thing, but I don't think I can ever take a story that has a character say "Big Daddy's back" very seriously. Lot of good action but without any established context it's pretty confusing. Lots of futurey sci-fi stuff all over the place but I don't really even know whos the good guys and who's the bad guys here and more importantly, why they're fighting at this specific spot.
DTL - The Summons: This was solid! I enjoy the question of who would super heroes side with in a physical war between regular schmoes and the 1% but I feel like there is a certain level of complexity in this you could explore better. It kind of too easily fell into the "Here's the good guys/Here's the bad guys" classification. Still, good idea for a setting and I really enjoyed the juxtaposition of a story about a superhero confrontation within the story of a pretty calm, tense, and a little somber car ride to meet an ex.
Alucard - Ancient Shadows: You know what the surest sign of a rush ending is? Here is problem! Now here is solution! :P I enjoyed a lot of your imagery and descriptive work in this though it all felt a bit aimless to me right until we got to the forest siren (neat idea btw). Obviously a shame that it rushes right to the conclusion cause once the siren showed up i got pretty into this.
Mike - Xenoterra: I super like the use of space station rotations as a form of time measurements. Also, you flexed your scientific muscles so hard my eyes popped out. I got more than a bit lost and glazy eyed at the big meeting in the beginning where they discussed the problem, but once the fungus gets properly introduced, my attention returned pretty quickly for a really good ending. I really like the ending, it offers some interesting thoughts on the nature of life in tiny metal cage vs a diseased/deadly life but one with fresh air. I feel like if you had more about Xavier's feelings towards the space station, in the beginning, his choice at the end would have more punch. Anyways who the hell cares about that. Dude sick fucking tattoo!!!! I am really really really jelly of that right now!
Dongs - Worse Judgments: I vaguely recall the story from the old site. Thinking back on it and this story here, what really stands in my mind is how much better you've become since then. A thing I remember being a big issue with me and your surrealism is that it was easy to get lost and confused. I felt that still with this, but honestly even when I'm getting confused as to what's happening I'm just so impressed with the personality you put into your prose now a days.
Chodi - A Cesspit: I was digging a lot of things in this story until the "shit memes" comment. I will not sit here and listen to someone bash my precious memes! I appreciate trying something different and I think you find a good voice in this but there were a couple little things that bugged me. Just little internet inconsistencies since I spend waaaay too much time on it tbh, stuff like the "Mother Gia" comment where I get where you're coming from but it comes off as aged in a lot of ways. Not very reflective (while still true in a lot of ways) of the internet now. I think there were two parts of this that worked best: 1) you have a great set up with the cons and pros of a life without social media (cons being the most important you had like a nice light seasoning of salt) and 2) the dislike of what returning to social media has done to you. Those combined made the meat of what I thought was good in your story.
Magenta - Exile to Eden: Oh yay you got a story in! This probably says way too much about me, but I super get where David is coming from. Being deprived from a real god damn burger with meat and blood in it would drive me nuts. I love me some meat and more than that, I love cooking, so food being constantly made by aliens for me would be hell. I think its odd to begin your first sentence with David throwing his arm at the mob to then immediately go into a very calm description of his childhood. That was a weird juxtaposition.
Flowersisme - The Girl Wandering the Beach: Not a fan of this story personally, so I'm shocked at people's positive reception. I wrote it at the last minute and you could say I saved it in editing, though it's still very much a first draft. Instead of opting for big fancy words, I just had a thesaurus website and tried to vary my verb usage a bit. My biggest regret is not quite figuring out what the end message of this fairy tailish thing should be. I feel like that lack of focus is really crippled this from what it could be.
1. Dongs
2. Chodi
3. DTL
2. Chodi
3. DTL
HM: Magenta
And some comments
Blackie - An Unexpected Message: Welcome aboard. Small thing, you should try and avoid having characters speak aloud in empty spaces where they're not talking to anyone. Just put it as a 'he thought to himself' or something. I enjoyed the swerve to fantasy bar and I wished we got there a bit quicker (if he's late to work in the beginning, why stop by a friends place?) and also lingered at the party more. Him getting in on a group cheer with fantasy people was fun and the bar scene could have used more drunken antics.
Aaron D - Onward to Europe: Wowowowow this was a weird one. I liked all the weirdos on this pirate crew and I think you did some really creative things with them, especially the monk and his copies. This is one of those times where I'd say naming characters by descriptions other than proper names works because there are so many characters it would be tough to keep track of who is who in such a short story. Lots of creative stuff but it all felt a bit too random for my taste. But hey, that's how dreams are.
Brewha - 202X: This is a really small thing, but I don't think I can ever take a story that has a character say "Big Daddy's back" very seriously. Lot of good action but without any established context it's pretty confusing. Lots of futurey sci-fi stuff all over the place but I don't really even know whos the good guys and who's the bad guys here and more importantly, why they're fighting at this specific spot.
DTL - The Summons: This was solid! I enjoy the question of who would super heroes side with in a physical war between regular schmoes and the 1% but I feel like there is a certain level of complexity in this you could explore better. It kind of too easily fell into the "Here's the good guys/Here's the bad guys" classification. Still, good idea for a setting and I really enjoyed the juxtaposition of a story about a superhero confrontation within the story of a pretty calm, tense, and a little somber car ride to meet an ex.
Alucard - Ancient Shadows: You know what the surest sign of a rush ending is? Here is problem! Now here is solution! :P I enjoyed a lot of your imagery and descriptive work in this though it all felt a bit aimless to me right until we got to the forest siren (neat idea btw). Obviously a shame that it rushes right to the conclusion cause once the siren showed up i got pretty into this.
Mike - Xenoterra: I super like the use of space station rotations as a form of time measurements. Also, you flexed your scientific muscles so hard my eyes popped out. I got more than a bit lost and glazy eyed at the big meeting in the beginning where they discussed the problem, but once the fungus gets properly introduced, my attention returned pretty quickly for a really good ending. I really like the ending, it offers some interesting thoughts on the nature of life in tiny metal cage vs a diseased/deadly life but one with fresh air. I feel like if you had more about Xavier's feelings towards the space station, in the beginning, his choice at the end would have more punch. Anyways who the hell cares about that. Dude sick fucking tattoo!!!! I am really really really jelly of that right now!
Dongs - Worse Judgments: I vaguely recall the story from the old site. Thinking back on it and this story here, what really stands in my mind is how much better you've become since then. A thing I remember being a big issue with me and your surrealism is that it was easy to get lost and confused. I felt that still with this, but honestly even when I'm getting confused as to what's happening I'm just so impressed with the personality you put into your prose now a days.
Chodi - A Cesspit: I was digging a lot of things in this story until the "shit memes" comment. I will not sit here and listen to someone bash my precious memes! I appreciate trying something different and I think you find a good voice in this but there were a couple little things that bugged me. Just little internet inconsistencies since I spend waaaay too much time on it tbh, stuff like the "Mother Gia" comment where I get where you're coming from but it comes off as aged in a lot of ways. Not very reflective (while still true in a lot of ways) of the internet now. I think there were two parts of this that worked best: 1) you have a great set up with the cons and pros of a life without social media (cons being the most important you had like a nice light seasoning of salt) and 2) the dislike of what returning to social media has done to you. Those combined made the meat of what I thought was good in your story.
Magenta - Exile to Eden: Oh yay you got a story in! This probably says way too much about me, but I super get where David is coming from. Being deprived from a real god damn burger with meat and blood in it would drive me nuts. I love me some meat and more than that, I love cooking, so food being constantly made by aliens for me would be hell. I think its odd to begin your first sentence with David throwing his arm at the mob to then immediately go into a very calm description of his childhood. That was a weird juxtaposition.
Flowersisme - The Girl Wandering the Beach: Not a fan of this story personally, so I'm shocked at people's positive reception. I wrote it at the last minute and you could say I saved it in editing, though it's still very much a first draft. Instead of opting for big fancy words, I just had a thesaurus website and tried to vary my verb usage a bit. My biggest regret is not quite figuring out what the end message of this fairy tailish thing should be. I feel like that lack of focus is really crippled this from what it could be.
Haha, probably, just a reflection of my age that I have a bunch of people in my friends list who are the children of OG 60s hippies, so Mother Earth/Gaia comes up plenty in my newsfeed.
Also, I want to see you defend this precious "shit meme" ;)
Oooooooo that one's pretty rough. I was hoping there were some bad Minions memes cause I could work with those but boy that's some shit meme right there