REgals [Women of Era] |OT| Episode I: The Female Menace

Linkura

Member
Oct 25, 2017
14,201
Today has been quite something.
My dad has been in the hospital for about a week due to what we first suspected was acute pancreatitis. This morning he had another scan and my mother told me it is an exocrine tumor. She was completely beside herself and couldn't tell me much more. She, like me, has an MD but she is a psychiatrist who hasn't worked in almost a decade, so her knowledge isn't quite up to date.

I live in another country and did spend almost the entire day trying to get a hold of the treating physician so someone could tell me what exactly is going on. Turns out that while it is bad, it is the better kind of bad. They are going to whipple him tomorrow and expect to fully remove the tumor which is about the best outcome one can hope for in this case. Part of me still wants to take the next flight home but there is nothing I can do about it and my dad will undergo major surgery and be out for a few days. We are also really understaffed at the moment since three of my co-workers are sick.
Fuck caner.
I'm so sorry to hear this. :( Hoping he has a successful surgery and ends up cancer-free.
 
Oct 27, 2017
269
Today has been quite something.
My dad has been in the hospital for about a week due to what we first suspected was acute pancreatitis. This morning he had another scan and my mother told me it is an exocrine tumor. She was completely beside herself and couldn't tell me much more. She, like me, has an MD but she is a psychiatrist who hasn't worked in almost a decade, so her knowledge isn't quite up to date.

I live in another country and did spend almost the entire day trying to get a hold of the treating physician so someone could tell me what exactly is going on. Turns out that while it is bad, it is the better kind of bad. They are going to whipple him tomorrow and expect to fully remove the tumor which is about the best outcome one can hope for in this case. Part of me still wants to take the next flight home but there is nothing I can do about it and my dad will undergo major surgery and be out for a few days. We are also really understaffed at the moment since three of my co-workers are sick.
Fuck cancer.
Hoping for the best possible outcome for your dad.
 

djinn

Member
Nov 16, 2017
2,163
Today has been quite something.
My dad has been in the hospital for about a week due to what we first suspected was acute pancreatitis. This morning he had another scan and my mother told me it is an exocrine tumor. She was completely beside herself and couldn't tell me much more. She, like me, has an MD but she is a psychiatrist who hasn't worked in almost a decade, so her knowledge isn't quite up to date.

I live in another country and did spend almost the entire day trying to get a hold of the treating physician so someone could tell me what exactly is going on. Turns out that while it is bad, it is the better kind of bad. They are going to whipple him tomorrow and expect to fully remove the tumor which is about the best outcome one can hope for in this case. Part of me still wants to take the next flight home but there is nothing I can do about it and my dad will undergo major surgery and be out for a few days. We are also really understaffed at the moment since three of my co-workers are sick.
Fuck cancer.
I can only hope things get better for you and your family. I'm so sorry.
 

vainya

Member
Dec 28, 2017
104
Today has been quite something.
My dad has been in the hospital for about a week due to what we first suspected was acute pancreatitis. This morning he had another scan and my mother told me it is an exocrine tumor. She was completely beside herself and couldn't tell me much more. She, like me, has an MD but she is a psychiatrist who hasn't worked in almost a decade, so her knowledge isn't quite up to date.

I live in another country and did spend almost the entire day trying to get a hold of the treating physician so someone could tell me what exactly is going on. Turns out that while it is bad, it is the better kind of bad. They are going to whipple him tomorrow and expect to fully remove the tumor which is about the best outcome one can hope for in this case. Part of me still wants to take the next flight home but there is nothing I can do about it and my dad will undergo major surgery and be out for a few days. We are also really understaffed at the moment since three of my co-workers are sick.
Fuck cancer.
I'm sorry to hear this. I hope for the best possible outcome for your dad.
 

Morrigan

Armoring
Moderator
Oct 24, 2017
9,729
Empress of ice cream I'm so sorry. My dad was diagnosed with cancer two years ago and I was devastated, but he's made a full recovery and was optimistic the entire time. I hope everything goes well.

Fuck cancer
 

Linkura

Member
Oct 25, 2017
14,201
After being cancelled twice by the doctor, then finding a new doctor, the fated neurologist appointment finally happened.

The neurologist gave my aunt the same quick dementia test I witnessed her take last year at her GP, which she had passed easily enough then. She did a lot worse this time. He is ordering an MRI of her brain, a Vitamin B12 test, a much more rigorous (2-3 hour) dementia test with a neuropsychologist, and one other test I kind of blanked out on where they do an injection. She also has had numbness in her left hand since the start of the year and I had no fucking clue until the appointment. She's going to have a more rigorous test done next week on that. Her meds are also a fucking mess. My uncle forgot the list I asked him for and he wrote it up at the doctor's. It was quite different than the one logged by her GP. Also the neurologist checked her diabetes labs and it's getting worse despite her claiming it was "under control" with meds.

It's such a fucking mess but at least the tests the neurologist did proved my husband and I are right about her condition- that there is definitely some decline. And we'll be able to learn much more in the coming weeks.
 
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weemadarthur

weemadarthur

Community Resettler
Member
Oct 25, 2017
2,755
I’m glad for you linkura, if that’s not too cheerful a term under the circumstances. These things need handling, and all progress is worth celebrating.
 

Linkura

Member
Oct 25, 2017
14,201
I’m glad for you linkura, if that’s not too cheerful a term under the circumstances. These things need handling, and all progress is worth celebrating.
Thanks. Yes, I'm very pleased that we found a good doctor. I was worried because of the issues with the previous one.

One thing my husband brought up that is key is sorting out her meds. This is fucking ridiculous. No one seems to be in agreement as to what she should be taking.
 

CatDoggo

Member
Oct 25, 2017
431
I'm so frustrated with a friend of mine right now. With everything that's going down with Vic Mignogna,

(For reference)

https://www.resetera.com/threads/voice-actor-vic-mignogna-broly-edward-elric-addresses-accusations-of-homophobia-antisemitism-and-sexual-harrassment.94896/

I told her about it and talked about how disheartening it was to find out that he's a huge piece of shit because I liked a lot of his work and I figured she would understand because she's always been a huge Fullmetal Alchemist fan. She responded by saying she was skeptical of the accusations and that 'people lie about these things'. I told her that there were multiple accusations, that he's been known for pulling shit like this for over a decade, that there are even pictures of him being a creep, and that the way he acts has apparently been an open secret and he is finally facing some consequences for it. Well, she wouldn't take my word for it but she also refused to read any of the articles I linked her that have evidence and statements from the victims. In the end, she told me she wasn't going to believe random accusations, that this doesn't affect her anyway, and that I should just drop it.

I haven't spoken to her since. On one hand, I don't want to lose a friend, on the other, I'm not sure I want to keep associating with someone who refuses to believe sexual assault victims. The whole reason Vic was able to do the things that he did for so long without consequence is because of this dismissive attitude of 'well, women lie about these things to get back at popular men' that caused so many women to go unheard or made them feel like they needed to be quiet about the abuse they suffered. I don't know if I'm out of line for feeling like I might need to end our friendship over this, but it's just so frustrating that's she's so dismissive and refuses to even look at the evidence.
 

Linkura

Member
Oct 25, 2017
14,201
I'm so frustrated with a friend of mine right now. With everything that's going down with Vic Mignogna,

(For reference)

https://www.resetera.com/threads/voice-actor-vic-mignogna-broly-edward-elric-addresses-accusations-of-homophobia-antisemitism-and-sexual-harrassment.94896/

I told her about it and talked about how disheartening it was to find out that he's a huge piece of shit because I liked a lot of his work and I figured she would understand because she's always been a huge Fullmetal Alchemist fan. She responded by saying she was skeptical of the accusations and that 'people lie about these things'. I told her that there were multiple accusations, that he's been known for pulling shit like this for over a decade, that there are even pictures of him being a creep, and that the way he acts has apparently been an open secret and he is finally facing some consequences for it. Well, she wouldn't take my word for it but she also refused to read any of the articles I linked her that have evidence and statements from the victims. In the end, she told me she wasn't going to believe random accusations, that this doesn't affect her anyway, and that I should just drop it.

I haven't spoken to her since. On one hand, I don't want to lose a friend, on the other, I'm not sure I want to keep associating with someone who refuses to believe sexual assault victims. The whole reason Vic was able to do the things that he did for so long without consequence is because of this dismissive attitude of 'well, women lie about these things to get back at popular men' that caused so many women to go unheard or made them feel like they needed to be quiet about the abuse they suffered. I don't know if I'm out of line for feeling like I might need to end our friendship over this, but it's just so frustrating that's she's so dismissive and refuses to even look at the evidence.
Jesus Christ. Just cancel that friendship.
 

vainya

Member
Dec 28, 2017
104
I'm so frustrated with a friend of mine right now. With everything that's going down with Vic Mignogna,

(For reference)

https://www.resetera.com/threads/vo...ia-antisemitism-and-sexual-harrassment.94896/

I told her about it and talked about how disheartening it was to find out that he's a huge piece of shit because I liked a lot of his work and I figured she would understand because she's always been a huge Fullmetal Alchemist fan. She responded by saying she was skeptical of the accusations and that 'people lie about these things'. I told her that there were multiple accusations, that he's been known for pulling shit like this for over a decade, that there are even pictures of him being a creep, and that the way he acts has apparently been an open secret and he is finally facing some consequences for it. Well, she wouldn't take my word for it but she also refused to read any of the articles I linked her that have evidence and statements from the victims. In the end, she told me she wasn't going to believe random accusations, that this doesn't affect her anyway, and that I should just drop it.

I haven't spoken to her since. On one hand, I don't want to lose a friend, on the other, I'm not sure I want to keep associating with someone who refuses to believe sexual assault victims. The whole reason Vic was able to do the things that he did for so long without consequence is because of this dismissive attitude of 'well, women lie about these things to get back at popular men' that caused so many women to go unheard or made them feel like they needed to be quiet about the abuse they suffered. I don't know if I'm out of line for feeling like I might need to end our friendship over this, but it's just so frustrating that's she's so dismissive and refuses to even look at the evidence.
That sounds like your friend knows that the accusations are (or at least could be) true and the things he did are wrong but she's refusing to hear all of that. In that case, do what's right even if it means ending the friendship.
 

Linkura

Member
Oct 25, 2017
14,201
John Roberts's desire to keep the sanctity of SCOTUS is what is saving us all.

Kind of crazy considering he is a W appointee and pretty conservative.
 

Linkura

Member
Oct 25, 2017
14,201
Laying into mansplainers in the Valkyria Chronicles 4 thread was so damn cathartic. Big kudos to the mods for banning several people in that thread who I didn't even personally report!
 

CatDoggo

Member
Oct 25, 2017
431
Well, here's an update for my post above. She's not changing her mind on anything, and apparently she watched a 'neutral' youtube video debunking the accusations against Vic. When I told her not to use Youtube as a source because there is a concentrated effort by the right to muddy the waters around Vic through Youtube videos and that they're essentially gunning to create a new kind of Gamergate, she refused to listen. At best she's at a point where she's saying 'well, I don't know what to believe so I'm not going to take a side'. Congratulations, you're doing exactly what they wanted. By muddying the waters, if they can't get someone to come to their side, they'll just distort the facts enough that people like her will resort to both sides-ing.

I don't know, at this point I'm just going to tell her that you either believe sexual assault victims when they say they were assaulted or you don't, and I am deeply uncomfortable remaining friends someone who doesn't.

This will probably be the end of our friendship, but there is a line I feel like I need to draw. This hurts like hell and I've been incredibly depressed over where things have been going between us since this began, but it is what it is. Worst of all, she's one of my only two friends right now, and since my other friend is more of a friend to her than me, she's probably going to stop talking to me as well.

Honestly? Am I in the right? Am I being too harsh? For once I wish I wasn't my social awkward, socially unaware, autistic self. At least then I would have a few other friends so that losing the two I have right now wouldn't feel like such a deep blow. I just wish I could have one friendship that lasts and doesn't completely crash and burn in the most heartbreaking way possible.
 

RpgN

Member
Oct 25, 2017
425
The Netherlands
It would hurt to have friends that can't be convinced but I wouldn't break a friendship over not believing something. I would drop it and not focus on it anymore. If it was something more severe on her part, then I might do that.
 

CatDoggo

Member
Oct 25, 2017
431
Well, she's at a point where she will not believe it unless she get's video of him outright sexually assaulting someone. She's also blaming me for wanting to end our friendship over this. I'm just so exhausted. I'm trying to get her to understand the 'perfect victim' fallacy and that she's never going to get the perfect evidence she's looking for and that this is why it's so important to believe sexual assault victims but she's not having it.
 
Oct 27, 2017
269
Well, she's at a point where she will not believe it unless she get's video of him outright sexually assaulting someone. She's also blaming me for wanting to end our friendship over this. I'm just so exhausted. I'm trying to get her to understand the 'perfect victim' fallacy and that she's never going to get the perfect evidence she's looking for and that this is why it's so important to believe sexual assault victims but she's not having it.
This must be so difficult for you. Ultimately you can not force someone to change their mind (or change at all for that matter). I don’t know if it’s worth cutting ties for this. She is more than this one opinion and it really matters what kind of friend she is outside of this issue.
 

CatDoggo

Member
Oct 25, 2017
431
This must be so difficult for you. Ultimately you can not force someone to change their mind (or change at all for that matter). I don’t know if it’s worth cutting ties for this. She is more than this one opinion and it really matters what kind of friend she is outside of this issue.
Well, as someone who went through a sexual assault at a very young age, to the point that I did not understand that I needed to tell someone, it feels like so much of what she's saying could be said directly to me if I ever tried to come out and accuse the person who did it, because there was no way for 8 year old me to have any evidence of what happened. I don't know if its even worth trying to remain her friend anymore when I feel like there isn't an ounce of trust between us now.
 
Oct 27, 2017
269
Well, as someone who went through a sexual assault at a very young age, to the point that I did not understand that I needed to tell someone, it feels like so much of what she's saying could be said directly to me if I ever tried to come out and accuse the person who did it, because there was no way for 8 year old me to have any evidence of what happened. I don't know if its even worth trying to remain her friend anymore when I feel like there isn't an ounce of trust between us now.
This is heartbreaking. If I look at her behaviour through the experience you had as a child it is very understandable why this hurts you so deeply. Does she know of this part of your past?
 

CatDoggo

Member
Oct 25, 2017
431
This is heartbreaking. If I look at her behaviour through the experience you had as a child it is very understandable why this hurts you so deeply. Does she know of this part of your past?
I told her and she just went off on me some more for not understanding her positions. It's hard to do when she just keeps changing the goal post. I've been crying about this for hours and I just want to stop talking to her for now.
 
Oct 27, 2017
269
I told her and she just went off on me some more for not understanding her positions. It's hard to do when she just keeps changing the goal post. I've been crying about this for hours and I just want to stop talking to her for now.
That’s really ok. Be true to yourself before anything else. You deserve to be believed and supported. And if she can’t do that right now, then it is perfectly ok to create some distance.
 

CatDoggo

Member
Oct 25, 2017
431
That’s really ok. Be true to yourself before anything else. You deserve to be believed and supported. And if she can’t do that right now, then it is perfectly ok to create some distance.
Well, she effectively bullied me into apologizing. Kept saying I was doing my best to hurt her as much as possible. She keeps misconstruing my words, like saying I consider her as bad as an abuser when that's not the case. I kept telling her over and over again how much I value our friendship and that's part of the reason why I don't want to lose her friendship despite what her refusal to believe sexual assault victims means for someone like me who is one. She just kept saying that I must not care about her friendship that much if I'm willing to drop her as a friend over this. I was tired of being yelled at so I just apologized and told her I wouldn't talk about it anymore. It doesn't matter how much she hurt me herself, she sure as shit isn't going to apologize, so I'm done. I seriously doubt I can'talk to her anymore but at least she got the apology she wanted.
 

Linkura

Member
Oct 25, 2017
14,201
Well, she effectively bullied me into apologizing. Kept saying I was doing my best to hurt her as much as possible. She keeps misconstruing my words, like saying I consider her as bad as an abuser when that's not the case. I kept telling her over and over again how much I value our friendship and that's part of the reason why I don't want to lose her friendship despite what her refusal to believe sexual assault victims means for someone like me who is one. She just kept saying that I must not care about her friendship that much if I'm willing to drop her as a friend over this. I was tired of being yelled at so I just apologized and told her I wouldn't talk about it anymore. It doesn't matter how much she hurt me herself, she sure as shit isn't going to apologize, so I'm done. I seriously doubt I can'talk to her anymore but at least she got the apology she wanted.
Fuck her. She didn't deserve an apology and she sounds borderline abusive.
 
Oct 27, 2017
269
Well, she effectively bullied me into apologizing. Kept saying I was doing my best to hurt her as much as possible. She keeps misconstruing my words, like saying I consider her as bad as an abuser when that's not the case. I kept telling her over and over again how much I value our friendship and that's part of the reason why I don't want to lose her friendship despite what her refusal to believe sexual assault victims means for someone like me who is one. She just kept saying that I must not care about her friendship that much if I'm willing to drop her as a friend over this. I was tired of being yelled at so I just apologized and told her I wouldn't talk about it anymore. It doesn't matter how much she hurt me herself, she sure as shit isn't going to apologize, so I'm done. I seriously doubt I can'talk to her anymore but at least she got the apology she wanted.
I’m so sorry you had to go through this. You really didn’t deserve this.
 

CatDoggo

Member
Oct 25, 2017
431
Being autistic, are the only people I'm capable of attracting ones who sense that they can take advantage of me? Because that's honestly what it feel like at this point. The last friend I had, and one of the longest ones I was capable of maintaining, was so mentally abusive by the end that he had me convinced that I was a terrible, abusive person who was lucky to have someone like him who was willing to put up with me. It took me years to unlearn the gaslighting he did and stop questioning myself if I really am an inherently bad person. If I hadn't met my current, well, 'friends', I guess, around the time he cut me off, I don't think I would have been able to cope with losing him. In spite of everything, when he cut me off entirely, even after everything he did, I still mourned his loss like he died. For all the bad he did, before things started going wrong, he was one of the closest friends I ever had and I still miss the good times we had before he changed.

Knowing that I have to go through this mourning process all over again, with no friends to fall back on this time, is just killing me. I'm starting to doubt myself again too because he flat out said that something like this would happen, that I inevitably push everyone away and that my next friendship was going to end just as badly.
 
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weemadarthur

weemadarthur

Community Resettler
Member
Oct 25, 2017
2,755
Autism makes connections a little harder compared to the average, but no, it’s not a death sentence to you having a support network. The other person has to be the sort who is willing to accept the traits that you personally display, which probably means you’re aiming at looking for friends with higher empathy than the mean.
 
Oct 27, 2017
269
I agree with weemadarthur. I know enough adults on the spectrum who have friends. The only difference I can notice is that the friendship sometimes is a little different in the way that friends keep in touch or in the kind of activities they enjoy together. The hurt you’re feeling now and have felt in the past is not a prediction for the future.
 

RpgN

Member
Oct 25, 2017
425
The Netherlands
Well, she effectively bullied me into apologizing. Kept saying I was doing my best to hurt her as much as possible. She keeps misconstruing my words, like saying I consider her as bad as an abuser when that's not the case. I kept telling her over and over again how much I value our friendship and that's part of the reason why I don't want to lose her friendship despite what her refusal to believe sexual assault victims means for someone like me who is one. She just kept saying that I must not care about her friendship that much if I'm willing to drop her as a friend over this. I was tired of being yelled at so I just apologized and told her I wouldn't talk about it anymore. It doesn't matter how much she hurt me herself, she sure as shit isn't going to apologize, so I'm done. I seriously doubt I can'talk to her anymore but at least she got the apology she wanted.
The fuck am I reading?!

I take back what I said earlier, especially if she knows your past about this. I’m sorry that you had to deal with this. I hate how subjects can show you the worst out of someone, not knowing that person having this kind of personality before.
 

CatDoggo

Member
Oct 25, 2017
431
Well, because I'm a big 'ol fucking idiot, I'm making one last appeal to her while also asserting boundaries by telling her it was not okay to turn what I told her about what happened to me as a kid around on me to make it out like I consider her as bad as an abuser or rapist.

I don't know why I feel so compelled to salvage broken friendships. I know that this is just going to blow up in my face again, that she's only going to react with more anger, but I can't help myself. Maybe I'm just desperate not to have another friendship end as badly as the last did. Not even a week ago did I consider that one of my dearest friendships was going to crash and burn so horribly all over some dick who doesn't deserve defending. I really, genuinely had hoped that nothing would ever happen again like what happened with my abusive 'friend', but here I am again. I guess the shock of this is just making me stupid.

It's really lovely that my other friend has gone completely radio silent after initially saying she wasn't going to take a side with either of us. I strongly suspect that they've both been talking about this with each other and her 'I'm not taking a side' is just her silently not taking my side. I mean, shit, I even told her that I was perfectly okay with her not wanting to get involved in our argument, but it ended up being exactly as I feared, that she was going to cut me off entirely for the friend that she's had for longer.
 

RpgN

Member
Oct 25, 2017
425
The Netherlands
Well, because I'm a big 'ol fucking idiot, I'm making one last appeal to her while also asserting boundaries by telling her it was not okay to turn what I told her about what happened to me as a kid around on me to make it out like I consider her as bad as an abuser or rapist.

I don't know why I feel so compelled to salvage broken friendships. I know that this is just going to blow up in my face again, that she's only going to react with more anger, but I can't help myself. Maybe I'm just desperate not to have another friendship end as badly as the last did. Not even a week ago did I consider that one of my dearest friendships was going to crash and burn so horribly all over some dick who doesn't deserve defending. I really, genuinely had hoped that nothing would ever happen again like what happened with my abusive 'friend', but here I am again. I guess the shock of this is just making me stupid.

It's really lovely that my other friend has gone completely radio silent after initially saying she wasn't going to take a side with either of us. I strongly suspect that they've both been talking about this with each other and her 'I'm not taking a side' is just her silently not taking my side. I mean, shit, I even told her that I was perfectly okay with her not wanting to get involved in our argument, but it ended up being exactly as I feared, that she was going to cut me off entirely for the friend that she's had for longer.
It sounds like you really want to keep this friend. If that’s the case, then I would take a step back. You’re only going to escalate the situation further. Give yourself a day or 2 to calm down and think things through more clearly.

What do you mean when you’re saying you’re making one last appeal? Talking about the same subject won’t make things better. You either drop this friend or try to work around it. Maybe she might understand in the future but now the tensions are too high to keep talking about it.
 

CatDoggo

Member
Oct 25, 2017
431
It sounds like you really want to keep this friend. If that’s the case, then I would take a step back. You’re only going to escalate the situation further. Give yourself a day or 2 to calm down and think things through more clearly.

What do you mean when you’re saying you’re making one last appeal? Talking about the same subject won’t make things better. You either drop this friend or try to work around it. Maybe she might understand in the future but now the tensions are too high to keep talking about it.
She's really important to me and she was there for me during some of the worst points in my life. She talked me out of committing suicide on at least several occasions during a very dark period of my life. The way she came out about all this accusation stuff feels so unlike her and it hurts a lot.

I just feel like if we don't at least sort out how she goaded me into apologizing by saying some of the worst things possible, I'm going to be too resentful about this to continue our friendship on any meaningful level, thus why I am trying to make one last appeal to her. She claimed after I apologized that I betrayed all the effort she put into being as supportive of a friend as possible by even considering ending our friendship over this, and that none of it must have mattered to me then. It's just a mess. I want to do the right thing, but I feel like that's going to involve having to let go of a lot of the painful things she's said and done over the course of this argument for which she feels no need to apologize for. In the end, it seems like it always falls to me to let go of any and all hurtful things that are said and done to me, whether it be family, friends, or acquaintances. I'm already used to letting so much go, and I guess having this one boundary was just too much. She said I was an extremist for not wanting to be friends with those who don't believe sexual assault victims when they say they were assaulted, and maybe she's right, but it felt like an important line to draw anyway, even if it just made things worse.

In the end, I'd rather still have my friends, 'cause it's obvious that one isn't going to talk to me if the other doesn't, so somehow I will have to find a way to cope and fix this. Otherwise, I'm completely alone again, because my family barely even tolerates me and I don't have anybody else. I can only hope she will be understanding enough to at least take back some of the worst things she said while goading me to apologize.

I'm just tired and sad at this point. I've barely been able to eat or sleep since this all began. It's taking an immense toll on me. It really is depressingly ironic that the only reason I even brought up how much it sucked that Vic turned out to be a huge creep with her was because I genuinely thought she was someone I could safely discuss it with in the face of so many people turning into a blind defense force for him.
 
Oct 27, 2017
269
It sounds like you really want to keep this friend. If that’s the case, then I would take a step back. You’re only going to escalate the situation further. Give yourself a day or 2 to calm down and think things through more clearly.

What do you mean when you’re saying you’re making one last appeal? Talking about the same subject won’t make things better. You either drop this friend or try to work around it. Maybe she might understand in the future but now the tensions are too high to keep talking about it.
Solid advice.
 
Oct 27, 2017
269
She's really important to me and she was there for me during some of the worst points in my life. She talked me out of committing suicide on at least several occasions during a very dark period of my life. The way she came out about all this accusation stuff feels so unlike her and it hurts a lot.

I just feel like if we don't at least sort out how she goaded me into apologizing by saying some of the worst things possible, I'm going to be too resentful about this to continue our friendship on any meaningful level, thus why I am trying to make one last appeal to her. She claimed after I apologized that I betrayed all the effort she put into being as supportive of a friend as possible by even considering ending our friendship over this, and that none of it must have mattered to me then. It's just a mess. I want to do the right thing, but I feel like that's going to involve having to let go of a lot of the painful things she's said and done over the course of this argument for which she feels no need to apologize for. In the end, it seems like it always falls to me to let go of any and all hurtful things that are said and done to me, whether it be family, friends, or acquaintances. I'm already used to letting so much go, and I guess having this one boundary was just too much. She said I was an extremist for not wanting to be friends with those who don't believe sexual assault victims when they say they were assaulted, and maybe she's right, but it felt like an important line to draw anyway, even if it just made things worse.

In the end, I'd rather still have my friends, 'cause it's obvious that one isn't going to talk to me if the other doesn't, so somehow I will have to find a way to cope and fix this. Otherwise, I'm completely alone again, because my family barely even tolerates me and I don't have anybody else. I can only hope she will be understanding enough to at least take back some of the worst things she said while goading me to apologize.

I'm just tired and sad at this point. I've barely been able to eat or sleep since this all began. It's taking an immense toll on me. It really is depressingly ironic that the only reason I even brought up how much it sucked that Vic turned out to be a huge creep with her was because I genuinely thought she was someone I could safely discuss it with in the face of so many people turning into a blind defense force for him.
You’re really doing the best you can. And your actions show that you value your friends. For now try to focus on sleeping and eating as the first priorities. When you’re rested you will be able to cope better with this situation.
 

RpgN

Member
Oct 25, 2017
425
The Netherlands
She's really important to me and she was there for me during some of the worst points in my life. She talked me out of committing suicide on at least several occasions during a very dark period of my life. The way she came out about all this accusation stuff feels so unlike her and it hurts a lot.

I just feel like if we don't at least sort out how she goaded me into apologizing by saying some of the worst things possible, I'm going to be too resentful about this to continue our friendship on any meaningful level, thus why I am trying to make one last appeal to her. She claimed after I apologized that I betrayed all the effort she put into being as supportive of a friend as possible by even considering ending our friendship over this, and that none of it must have mattered to me then. It's just a mess. I want to do the right thing, but I feel like that's going to involve having to let go of a lot of the painful things she's said and done over the course of this argument for which she feels no need to apologize for. In the end, it seems like it always falls to me to let go of any and all hurtful things that are said and done to me, whether it be family, friends, or acquaintances. I'm already used to letting so much go, and I guess having this one boundary was just too much. She said I was an extremist for not wanting to be friends with those who don't believe sexual assault victims when they say they were assaulted, and maybe she's right, but it felt like an important line to draw anyway, even if it just made things worse.

In the end, I'd rather still have my friends, 'cause it's obvious that one isn't going to talk to me if the other doesn't, so somehow I will have to find a way to cope and fix this. Otherwise, I'm completely alone again, because my family barely even tolerates me and I don't have anybody else. I can only hope she will be understanding enough to at least take back some of the worst things she said while goading me to apologize.

I'm just tired and sad at this point. I've barely been able to eat or sleep since this all began. It's taking an immense toll on me. It really is depressingly ironic that the only reason I even brought up how much it sucked that Vic turned out to be a huge creep with her was because I genuinely thought she was someone I could safely discuss it with in the face of so many people turning into a blind defense force for him.
I understand the emotions you’re having right now. I’ve went through this too many times to know how it usually ends. I want to tell you more about it but I need to get ready for work.

For now, you need to follow the advice of Lady Catherine de Bourgh. Don’t talk with her. Focus on resting, eating and not thinking that you NEED to set things straight right now. Resist the urge, it’s not going to help you anyway.
 

HyperFerret

Member
Oct 25, 2017
2,021
If my body is doing what I think it's doing, I think my period is starting today, just in time for my obgyn doctor appointment this afternoon

ヽ(。_°)ノ
 

RpgN

Member
Oct 25, 2017
425
The Netherlands
She's really important to me and she was there for me during some of the worst points in my life. She talked me out of committing suicide on at least several occasions during a very dark period of my life. The way she came out about all this accusation stuff feels so unlike her and it hurts a lot.

I just feel like if we don't at least sort out how she goaded me into apologizing by saying some of the worst things possible, I'm going to be too resentful about this to continue our friendship on any meaningful level, thus why I am trying to make one last appeal to her. She claimed after I apologized that I betrayed all the effort she put into being as supportive of a friend as possible by even considering ending our friendship over this, and that none of it must have mattered to me then. It's just a mess. I want to do the right thing, but I feel like that's going to involve having to let go of a lot of the painful things she's said and done over the course of this argument for which she feels no need to apologize for. In the end, it seems like it always falls to me to let go of any and all hurtful things that are said and done to me, whether it be family, friends, or acquaintances. I'm already used to letting so much go, and I guess having this one boundary was just too much. She said I was an extremist for not wanting to be friends with those who don't believe sexual assault victims when they say they were assaulted, and maybe she's right, but it felt like an important line to draw anyway, even if it just made things worse.

In the end, I'd rather still have my friends, 'cause it's obvious that one isn't going to talk to me if the other doesn't, so somehow I will have to find a way to cope and fix this. Otherwise, I'm completely alone again, because my family barely even tolerates me and I don't have anybody else. I can only hope she will be understanding enough to at least take back some of the worst things she said while goading me to apologize.

I'm just tired and sad at this point. I've barely been able to eat or sleep since this all began. It's taking an immense toll on me. It really is depressingly ironic that the only reason I even brought up how much it sucked that Vic turned out to be a huge creep with her was because I genuinely thought she was someone I could safely discuss it with in the face of so many people turning into a blind defense force for him.
Hey...how are you doing? I hope you’ve managed to rest for a bit.

I’ve read your replies twice. My mind changed two times based on what you shared every time. I now hope to have a rough idea of your relationship and you as a person.

Before I start, do not see my reply as an attack. Or someone being right or wrong. We’re all humans after all. There are so many different ways to handle situations. The most important thing is to not blame yourself over what happened. And don’t compare your current situation with your previous friends. Take it as an opportunity to start anew in terms of mentality going forward.

It sounds that she is a very important friend to you. After you mentioned how she helped you before, it really does seem that this whole escalation was unnecessary. You can talk about it but you can’t force a person to take a side no matter how right you think you are. As long as she has an opinion about something and as long as it stays as an opinion, what does it matter if she doesn’t believe it? You mentioned earlier that you took it personally because you felt that she was saying this to you, I doubt it would have went like this. Usually when relatives are involved, it becomes personal and very serious. You can always try to slowly inform her and have light hearted discussions to see if her opinion changes over time.

My boyfriend is a perfect example. He is incredibly calm and sweet. He never argues and always cares about others but whenever we talk about the whole gamergate stuff, then he starts talking more negatively about ‘feminists’ and he also has a negative impression of Era based on the media he consumes. You can tell that he has a bias and it clearly comes from influence and what he hasn’t experienced. I take the opportunity to inform him once in a while but it never affected our relationship. If he did more impactful things like harassing women or disliking content on purpose (like down voting something good or up voting something nasty, just giving a silly example :p), then I would have been more firm.

This DOES NOT mean that you shouldn’t have boundaries and rules to draw. You just need to pick your battles and set boundaries that are truly impactful to you. You can’t be black and white like how we handle things on forums. If you would do that, then you will truly have no one left. Some things can’t be solved and some things can look very contradicting, accept it and move on if they can be seen as minor.

I will now share a bit about my losses, the pain of having it repeated and blaming myself for it. My situation is such that I kept losing friends and never knew how to create long lasting friendships or drawing the line in knowing what kind of relationships I established. This was caused by different factors. I also blamed myself and was convinced that it was because of me. I lost a precious person again a couple of months ago. Looking back on it, I’m convinced that it was a waste of time to mourn over another loss, keep making comparisons and keep worrying about the next relationship. It will only keep you afraid and will cause you to react in a way that will cause you to lose the friends you’re trying to build a relationship with in the first place. I’m convinced that I lost my last relationship because I let all these factors influence the way I treated this person. I’m in a better place now. I’m building healthy relationships and making good friends after I learned to let go of the guilt and letting go of the past.

Let go over the abuse you experienced, the crap your ex-friend told you or the argument you just had with your current friend. If you truly want to keep this friend like you said, then you need to stop focusing on the argument right now. I don’t know what kind of mean crap she said to you or how exactly she forced you to apologise but I wouldn’t bet on her taking back some of the things she said if you keep bringing up the discussion and make her feel that you demand it. Right now it’s you against her in a battle royale with tensions all high. No one is going to admit anything unless one of you bows out of it and leave the situation for what it is.

The best thing you can do is the following:

Don’t contact her for a day or two (or when you’re ready. Just let at least a day or two pass). Then ask to meet her and have an honest talk. Tell her that the subject is too personal and that it has affected your relationship because of it. Tell her that you realise that your relationship is worth more than a silly argument. Apologise for how it went but also tell her that you were also hurt by her words (without attacking or demanding an apology). If she cares about you, then hopefully she’ll take it well. If she is a bully about it, then I’m not sure what to tell you.

If all works out then it’s better to not talk about the subject for a while until things get better and only bring it up lightly until you’re certain you can talk more about it. I would also think about the boundaries you have and which ones are really important for you.
 
Last edited:

CatDoggo

Member
Oct 25, 2017
431
Hey...how are you doing? I hope you’ve managed to rest for a bit.

I’ve read your replies twice. My mind changed two times based on what you shared every time. I now hope to have a rough idea of your relationship and you as a person.

Before I start, do not see my reply as an attack. Or someone being right or wrong. We’re all humans after all. There are so many different ways to handle situations. The most important thing is to not blame yourself over what happened. And don’t compare your current situation with your previous friends. Take it as an opportunity to start anew in terms of mentality going forward.

It sounds that she is a very important friend to you. After you mentioned how she helped you before, it really does seem that this whole escalation was unnecessary. You can talk about it but you can’t force a person to take a side no matter how right you think you are. As long as she has an opinion about something and as long as it stays as an opinion, what does it matter if she doesn’t believe it? You mentioned earlier that you took it personally because you felt that she was saying this to you, I doubt it would have went like this. Usually when relatives are involved, it becomes personal and very serious. You can always try to slowly inform her and have light hearted discussions to see if her opinion changes over time.

My boyfriend is a perfect example. He is incredibly calm and sweet. He never argues and always cares about others but whenever we talk about the whole gamergate stuff, then he starts talking more negatively about ‘feminists’ and he also has a negative impression of Era based on the media he consumes. You can tell that he has a bias and it clearly comes from influence and what he hasn’t experienced. I take the opportunity to inform him once in a while but it never affected our relationship. If he did more impactful things like harassing women or disliking content on purpose (like down voting something good or up voting something nasty, just giving a silly example :p), then I would have been more firm.

This DOES NOT mean that you shouldn’t have boundaries and rules to draw. You just need to pick your battles and set boundaries that are truly impactful to you. You can’t be black and white like how we handle things on forums. If you would do that, then you will truly have no one left. Some things can’t be solved and some things can look very contradicting, accept it and move on if they can be seen as minor.

I will now share a bit about my losses, the pain of having it repeated and blaming myself for it. My situation is such that I kept losing friends and never knew how to create long lasting friendships or drawing the line in knowing what kind of relationships I established. This was caused by different factors. I also blamed myself and was convinced that it was because of me. I lost a precious person again a couple of months ago. Looking back on it, I’m convinced that it was a waste of time to mourn over another loss, keep making comparisons and keep worrying about the next relationship. It will only keep you afraid and will cause you to react in a way that will cause you to lose the friends you’re trying to build a relationship with in the first place. I’m convinced that I lost my last relationship because I let all these factors influence the way I treated this person. I’m in a better place now. I’m building healthy relationships and making good friends after I learned to let go of the guilt and letting go of the past.

Let go over the abuse you experienced, the crap your ex-friend told you or the argument you just had with your current friend. If you truly want to keep this friend like you said, then you need to stop focusing on the argument right now. I don’t know what kind of mean crap she said to you or how exactly she forced you to apologise but I wouldn’t bet on her taking back some of the things she said if you keep bringing up the discussion and make her feel that you demand it. Right now it’s you against her in a battle royale with tensions all high. No one is going to admit anything unless one of you bows out of it and leave the situation for what it is.

The best thing you can do is the following:

Don’t contact her for a day or two (or when you’re ready. Just let at least a day or two pass). Then ask to meet her and have an honest talk. Tell her that the subject is too personal and that it has affected your relationship because of it. Tell her that you realise that your relationship is worth more than a silly argument. Apologise for how it went but also tell her that you were also hurt by her words (without attacking or demanding an apology). If she cares about you, then hopefully she’ll take it well. If she is a bully about it, then I’m not sure what to tell you.

If all works out then it’s better to not talk about the subject for a while until things get better and only bring it up lightly until you’re certain you can talk more about it. I would also think about the boundaries you have and which ones are really important for you.
Well, I'll try to explain the situation a little better. As I posted before, I explained to her the sexual assault I went through as a child and why her siding with someone who has had so many allegations put up against him that has spanned a decade to where it seems outright impossible that literally every singe person is lying and that he is completely innocent, that it is deeply hurtful for me as someone who went through an assault and has no evidence, that you cannot believe victims on their word. When you ask why none of these women came forward sooner, you are asking why I didn't tell anyone what happened back then, when you ask why none of them took pictures or videos as evidence, you are asking why I didn't take pictures or videos as evidence. It feels like, in the unlikely circumstances that a chance ever arose for me to speak out against the person who assaulted me, that because I have no evidence, you would not side with me, and that if it turned out that he is now popular or well liked, that many of the hateful things that you've been reposting from Vic supporters would be the same sort of things that I would have thrown at me for daring to speak out. I asked her to please understand these reasons for why it is so hard for me to even consider remaining a friend with someone who will not believe a sexual assault victim on their word because we often don't have any definitive proof of what happened and most of us cannot meet the criteria she's looking for in a 'truthful victim', that we sometimes make mistakes in our assault and didn't speak up sooner or we weren't capable of gaining any proof during or after the assault occurred. I asked her to understand how hurtful the things she's been saying and reposting online about this is for someone who has gone through an assault and to at least consider that.

Somehow she took all of that and turned it around to mean that I consider her as bad as a rapist or pedophile. She hounded me on this repeatedly until I felt so terrible that I felt I needed to apologize for things I never even said. I still have no idea how she came to that conclusion. I looked over the message I sent her several times and I cannot figure out what would be in there that she could misinterpret so badly. All in all, this is all so confusing to me because this isn't like her at all and she's usually so much more understanding than this. That's part of the reason why I felt safe at first to discuss the accusations with her because she seemed like the last person who would begin stalwartly defending him in spite of the many personal accounts and pictures.
 

Gugi40

Member
Mar 7, 2018
142
Canada
Well, I'll try to explain the situation a little better. As I posted before, I explained to her the sexual assault I went through as a child and why her siding with someone who has had so many allegations put up against him that has spanned a decade to where it seems outright impossible that literally every singe person is lying and that he is completely innocent, that it is deeply hurtful for me as someone who went through an assault and has no evidence, that you cannot believe victims on their word. When you ask why none of these women came forward sooner, you are asking why I didn't tell anyone what happened back then, when you ask why none of them took pictures or videos as evidence, you are asking why I didn't take pictures or videos as evidence. It feels like, in the unlikely circumstances that a chance ever arose for me to speak out against the person who assaulted me, that because I have no evidence, you would not side with me, and that if it turned out that he is now popular or well liked, that many of the hateful things that you've been reposting from Vic supporters would be the same sort of things that I would have thrown at me for daring to speak out. I asked her to please understand these reasons for why it is so hard for me to even consider remaining a friend with someone who will not believe a sexual assault victim on their word because we often don't have any definitive proof of what happened and most of us cannot meet the criteria she's looking for in a 'truthful victim', that we sometimes make mistakes in our assault and didn't speak up sooner or we weren't capable of gaining any proof during or after the assault occurred. I asked her to understand how hurtful the things she's been saying and reposting online about this is for someone who has gone through an assault and to at least consider that.

Somehow she took all of that and turned it around to mean that I consider her as bad as a rapist or pedophile. She hounded me on this repeatedly until I felt so terrible that I felt I needed to apologize for things I never even said. I still have no idea how she came to that conclusion. I looked over the message I sent her several times and I cannot figure out what would be in there that she could misinterpret so badly. All in all, this is all so confusing to me because this isn't like her at all and she's usually so much more understanding than this. That's part of the reason why I felt safe at first to discuss the accusations with her because she seemed like the last person who would begin stalwartly defending him in spite of the many personal accounts and pictures.
Ok, I am sorry but she is being abusive and the fact that YOU felt you need to apologize to her for telling her how you feel comes off as gaslighting to me. If you don't want to remove her completely from your life then I recommend you at least distance yourself for a while and when you talk to each other don't even bring up anything controversial and that may keep the peace for you both.
The bolded is something I feel on such a deep level, in fact you basically took my thoughts right out of my head and I now don't feel as alone when I feel that way. I am so sorry you were sexually assaulted, it is something no one should ever have to live through, especially a child.
 

Linkura

Member
Oct 25, 2017
14,201
Ok, I am sorry but she is being abusive and the fact that YOU felt you need to apologize to her for telling her how you feel comes off as gaslighting to me. If you don't want to remove her completely from your life then I recommend you at least distance yourself for a while and when you talk to each other don't even bring up anything controversial and that may keep the peace for you both.
Agreed.
 

RpgN

Member
Oct 25, 2017
425
The Netherlands
Well, I'll try to explain the situation a little better. As I posted before, I explained to her the sexual assault I went through as a child and why her siding with someone who has had so many allegations put up against him that has spanned a decade to where it seems outright impossible that literally every singe person is lying and that he is completely innocent, that it is deeply hurtful for me as someone who went through an assault and has no evidence, that you cannot believe victims on their word. When you ask why none of these women came forward sooner, you are asking why I didn't tell anyone what happened back then, when you ask why none of them took pictures or videos as evidence, you are asking why I didn't take pictures or videos as evidence. It feels like, in the unlikely circumstances that a chance ever arose for me to speak out against the person who assaulted me, that because I have no evidence, you would not side with me, and that if it turned out that he is now popular or well liked, that many of the hateful things that you've been reposting from Vic supporters would be the same sort of things that I would have thrown at me for daring to speak out. I asked her to please understand these reasons for why it is so hard for me to even consider remaining a friend with someone who will not believe a sexual assault victim on their word because we often don't have any definitive proof of what happened and most of us cannot meet the criteria she's looking for in a 'truthful victim', that we sometimes make mistakes in our assault and didn't speak up sooner or we weren't capable of gaining any proof during or after the assault occurred. I asked her to understand how hurtful the things she's been saying and reposting online about this is for someone who has gone through an assault and to at least consider that.

Somehow she took all of that and turned it around to mean that I consider her as bad as a rapist or pedophile. She hounded me on this repeatedly until I felt so terrible that I felt I needed to apologize for things I never even said. I still have no idea how she came to that conclusion. I looked over the message I sent her several times and I cannot figure out what would be in there that she could misinterpret so badly. All in all, this is all so confusing to me because this isn't like her at all and she's usually so much more understanding than this. That's part of the reason why I felt safe at first to discuss the accusations with her because she seemed like the last person who would begin stalwartly defending him in spite of the many personal accounts and pictures.
Thank you for taking the time to explain how it went. It doesn’t sound unreasonable at all. You said you texted her, so it’s not like the tone of the conversation would have been a problem. Her reaction is bizarre. Did you say that she was a fan of Vic before or something?

Btw, how are you doing?
 

CatDoggo

Member
Oct 25, 2017
431
There's been a mildly positive improvement to the situation, however, I am immensely burnt out with, I dunno, people in general right now, so I've kinda been in 'withdrawn hermit mode' for the last few days and haven't spoken to anyone much. I really don't feel like typing out another huge post at the moment because of this, but I'll give an update once I'm feeling a little better.
 
Oct 27, 2017
269
There's been a mildly positive improvement to the situation, however, I am immensely burnt out with, I dunno, people in general right now, so I've kinda been in 'withdrawn hermit mode' for the last few days and haven't spoken to anyone much. I really don't feel like typing out another huge post at the moment because of this, but I'll give an update once I'm feeling a little better.
Healthy choice. Take good care of yourself.