She's really important to me and she was there for me during some of the worst points in my life. She talked me out of committing suicide on at least several occasions during a very dark period of my life. The way she came out about all this accusation stuff feels so unlike her and it hurts a lot.
I just feel like if we don't at least sort out how she goaded me into apologizing by saying some of the worst things possible, I'm going to be too resentful about this to continue our friendship on any meaningful level, thus why I am trying to make one last appeal to her. She claimed after I apologized that I betrayed all the effort she put into being as supportive of a friend as possible by even considering ending our friendship over this, and that none of it must have mattered to me then. It's just a mess. I want to do the right thing, but I feel like that's going to involve having to let go of a lot of the painful things she's said and done over the course of this argument for which she feels no need to apologize for. In the end, it seems like it always falls to me to let go of any and all hurtful things that are said and done to me, whether it be family, friends, or acquaintances. I'm already used to letting so much go, and I guess having this one boundary was just too much. She said I was an extremist for not wanting to be friends with those who don't believe sexual assault victims when they say they were assaulted, and maybe she's right, but it felt like an important line to draw anyway, even if it just made things worse.
In the end, I'd rather still have my friends, 'cause it's obvious that one isn't going to talk to me if the other doesn't, so somehow I will have to find a way to cope and fix this. Otherwise, I'm completely alone again, because my family barely even tolerates me and I don't have anybody else. I can only hope she will be understanding enough to at least take back some of the worst things she said while goading me to apologize.
I'm just tired and sad at this point. I've barely been able to eat or sleep since this all began. It's taking an immense toll on me. It really is depressingly ironic that the only reason I even brought up how much it sucked that Vic turned out to be a huge creep with her was because I genuinely thought she was someone I could safely discuss it with in the face of so many people turning into a blind defense force for him.
Hey...how are you doing? I hope you've managed to rest for a bit.
I've read your replies twice. My mind changed two times based on what you shared every time. I now hope to have a rough idea of your relationship and you as a person.
Before I start, do not see my reply as an attack. Or someone being right or wrong. We're all humans after all. There are so many different ways to handle situations. The most important thing is to not blame yourself over what happened. And don't compare your current situation with your previous friends. Take it as an opportunity to start anew in terms of mentality going forward.
It sounds that she is a very important friend to you. After you mentioned how she helped you before, it really does seem that this whole escalation was unnecessary. You can talk about it but you can't force a person to take a side no matter how right you think you are. As long as she has an opinion about something and as long as it stays as an opinion, what does it matter if she doesn't believe it? You mentioned earlier that you took it personally because you felt that she was saying this to you, I doubt it would have went like this. Usually when relatives are involved, it becomes personal and very serious. You can always try to slowly inform her and have light hearted discussions to see if her opinion changes over time.
My boyfriend is a perfect example. He is incredibly calm and sweet. He never argues and always cares about others but whenever we talk about the whole gamergate stuff, then he starts talking more negatively about 'feminists' and he also has a negative impression of Era based on the media he consumes. You can tell that he has a bias and it clearly comes from influence and what he hasn't experienced. I take the opportunity to inform him once in a while but it never affected our relationship. If he did more impactful things like harassing women or disliking content on purpose (like down voting something good or up voting something nasty, just giving a silly example :p), then I would have been more firm.
This DOES NOT mean that you shouldn't have boundaries and rules to draw. You just need to pick your battles and set boundaries that are truly impactful to you. You can't be black and white like how we handle things on forums. If you would do that, then you will truly have no one left. Some things can't be solved and some things can look very contradicting, accept it and move on if they can be seen as minor.
I will now share a bit about my losses, the pain of having it repeated and blaming myself for it. My situation is such that I kept losing friends and never knew how to create long lasting friendships or drawing the line in knowing what kind of relationships I established. This was caused by different factors. I also blamed myself and was convinced that it was because of me. I lost a precious person again a couple of months ago. Looking back on it, I'm convinced that it was a waste of time to mourn over another loss, keep making comparisons and keep worrying about the next relationship. It will only keep you afraid and will cause you to react in a way that will cause you to lose the friends you're trying to build a relationship with in the first place. I'm convinced that I lost my last relationship because I let all these factors influence the way I treated this person. I'm in a better place now. I'm building healthy relationships and making good friends after I learned to let go of the guilt and letting go of the past.
Let go over the abuse you experienced, the crap your ex-friend told you or the argument you just had with your current friend. If you truly want to keep this friend like you said, then you need to stop focusing on the argument right now. I don't know what kind of mean crap she said to you or how exactly she forced you to apologise but I wouldn't bet on her taking back some of the things she said if you keep bringing up the discussion and make her feel that you demand it. Right now it's you against her in a battle royale with tensions all high. No one is going to admit anything unless one of you bows out of it and leave the situation for what it is.
The best thing you can do is the following:
Don't contact her for a day or two (or when you're ready. Just let at least a day or two pass). Then ask to meet her and have an honest talk. Tell her that the subject is too personal and that it has affected your relationship because of it. Tell her that you realise that your relationship is worth more than a silly argument. Apologise for how it went but also tell her that you were also hurt by her words (without attacking or demanding an apology). If she cares about you, then hopefully she'll take it well. If she is a bully about it, then I'm not sure what to tell you.
If all works out then it's better to not talk about the subject for a while until things get better and only bring it up lightly until you're certain you can talk more about it. I would also think about the boundaries you have and which ones are really important for you.
