So I'm talking to a Japanese girl on a dating site...

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ggundam8

Banned
Mar 12, 2018
63
Japan
From what I’ve observed living in Asia the past ten years, this is what happens most of the time. Lately I’ve been meeting a LOT of middle-aged white dudes who are divorced from a local woman because they claim “she went crazy after we got married”, which is total bullshit.

They saw the “sexy Asian woman” first and foremost without bothering to learn anything about the culture or the language, and when the communication barriers and cultural incompatibilities started to cause a deterioration in the marriage, the dudes usually end up bolting and trading up for someone younger/hotter.

I’m not saying “all white guys”, just pretty much 90% of the ones I’ve met. And I can say that without a shred of exaggeration.

OP, just take the time to learn the language and be sensitive to the cultural differences and always, always try to appreciate where she’s coming from. Don’t be “that guy” who has an Asian girlfriend who he can barely communicate with on a deeper, proper level.

/cynical rant
It is a 2 way street in an international relationship. Both need to learn each others language and culture. Japanese people love to think their culture and ways are super special and a gaijin won't be able to understand. They also have a low opinion of outside cultures in general and are always surprised when your are not a loud mouth brute. Yes, Japanese women can turn on a dime and that is not bs. Seen it a number of times. There is also a big problem with mental health issues here. Many just straight up don't believe in mental disorders or therapy. Which leads to many of the problems in Japan.

*been through some shit here*
 
Nov 2, 2017
1,881
Den Haag, Netherlands
Does anyone on Era have any experience with this sort of thing? How well does the language exchange usually work out?
It's actually a great bonding experience. Ask her "~~tte, dou iu imi?" (what does ~~ mean?) or "eigo de itte kureru?" (can you say that in English for me?) and she can do the same with you.

Find a basic common functional sentence structure and you'll be alright. Does she have a lot of experience living abroad because a lot of Japanese girls are way too shy to talk in English and just leave you to do the footwork, which is a welcoming challenge sometimes.
 
OP
OP
Mondy

Mondy

Banned
Oct 25, 2017
2,456
What happened to Mondy ? Give us an update
Nothing to report just yet. Dating site courting continues.

For those who wanted to know, we're both in Australia. She's been here for 6 months and was originally from Osaka.

EDIT: Actually nevermind, there is something to report. She's keen for a date. I need to get some $$$ together first but I will keep you updated.
 

Vas

Member
Oct 25, 2017
3,824
So, I got some wisdom regarding this. Ask yourself: what are commonly the longest-lasting, most mature relationships between Japanese women and western men you'll ever see?

The answer is US Military Servicemen and Japanese women. Do they speak Japanese? No. Do they know about the culture? No. Do they even want to be there? no, they are deployed often without any say in the matter. But, the relationships thrive and often turn into life-long loving marriages far more than your JET/Exchange Student types.

The harsh, devastating reality about anybody who learns the language is that if you want to be socially popular with Japanese folks, speaking Japanese is not the way. Speaking English is.

Maybe things have changed in the decade since, maybe not, but when I was a student, the Japanese 100 level students (Freshman 1st year) had tons of Japanese friends, but the 400 level students? They didn't have hardly any.

The way I see it, when you speak English, you exude confidence. You appear exotic, interesting, and exciting. Being with you makes them feel smart and worldly, and makes them feel good about themselves. When you speak Japanese, you just sound like a kid with a child's intellect. Being with you makes them feel like babysitters. When she says your Japanese is 'cute,' she means like a baby, not like a grown sexy man... it's not a good omen that continuing to speak Japanese will take you where you want to go.

People will disagree, as I might have too back when I was in that world as a young man, but this is what I have learned. If you DO speak Japanese, remember this: Speaking polite Japanese (masudesu) is always better. It'll take you much further than trying to be 'cool' or 'hip.' It forces people to respect you and take your words in the best possible context. Good luck, my dude.
 
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Chrno

Member
Oct 25, 2017
1,490
Nani the fuck made this thread worth it.

OP, what type of date are you taking her on that you need to save money?
 

staedtler

Member
Oct 25, 2017
1,418
And we seem to be getting along pretty well. I know some very basic Japanese from years of watching their variety shows, so I can answer with certain phrases mixed with 80% English which she finds cute.

The problem is, her English is very basic itself. She can communicate well enough, but you can tell from her sentence structure and use of words that it's still early days for her. I'd love to meet her if it comes to it, but I'm worried about what challenges the language barrier may bring, especially when it comes to our families if it advances that far.

Does anyone on Era have any experience with this sort of thing? How well does the language exchange usually work out?
lol why are you even THINKING about that? Slow down pal.
 

TickleMeElbow

Member
Oct 31, 2017
1,865
So, I got some wisdom regarding this. Ask yourself: what are commonly the longest-lasting, most mature relationships between Japanese women and western men you'll ever see?

The answer is US Military Servicemen and Japanese women. Do they speak Japanese? No. Do they know about the culture? No. Do they even want to be there? no, they are deployed often without any say in the matter. But, the relationships thrive and often turn into life-long loving marriages far more than your JET/Exchange Student types.

The harsh, devastating reality about anybody who learns the language is that if you want to be socially popular with Japanese folks, speaking Japanese is not the way. Speaking English is.

Maybe things have changed in the decade since, maybe not, but when I was a student, the Japanese 100 level students (Freshman 1st year) had tons of Japanese friends, but the 400 level students? They didn't have hardly any.

The truth is, when you speak English, you exude confidence. You appear exotic, interesting, and exciting. Being with you makes them feel smart and worldly, and makes them feel good about themselves. When you speak Japanese, you just sound like a kid with a child's intellect. Being with you makes them feel like babysitters. When she says your Japanese is 'cute,' she means like a baby, not like a grown sexy man... it's not a good omen that continuing to speak Japanese will take you where you want to go.

People will disagree, as I might have too back when I was in that world as a young man, but this is what I have learned. If you DO speak Japanese, remember this: Speaking keigo (polite Japanse/masudesu) is always better. It'll take you much further than trying to be 'cool' or 'hip.' It forces people to respect you and take your words in the best possible context. Good luck, my dude.
Uh....

I've seen a bunch of cases where US Servicemen suddenly abandon their Japanese wives (and often kids) and go back to the US without a proper divorce.
 

Cow Mengde

Member
Oct 26, 2017
4,638
User Banned (1 Week) : Racial stereotypes and sweeping generalisations.
Tell her you watch hentai.

Relationships are hard enough as it is, and adding language barrier into the mix is just a recipe for disaster. This thread is reminding me of all the sketchy girls I've met in China. Also dudes with Chinese girlfriends. The girls are always windows dressing in these types of relationship. They would be with their boyfriend, but never participate in the conversation or the activities. They're just there. They rarely speak even when everyone in the group is having tons of fun chatting. Some of them can speak English decently, but they still don't talk.
 

Vas

Member
Oct 25, 2017
3,824
Uh....

I've seen a bunch of cases where US Servicemen suddenly abandon their Japanese wives (and often kids) and go back to the US without a proper divorce.
If I implied that every single US Servicemen in the world necessarily has a perfect relationship, then I apologize. That wasn't my intent. I personally know of 5 Asian/Western marriages and 4 of them are US military men who speak only English. 1 of them is between two bilingual intellectuals.

Regardless, the point is that English, in this phase of OPs struggle, is his staunchest, most effective ally. English, OP! English!!! I feel like Jacob Marley, lol.
 

Reedirect

Member
Oct 27, 2017
646
Funnily enough, OP, I'm currently experiencing something similar with a Russian girl who, unfortunately, only knows English on a basic level. Met her in person and confirmed to myself that she is everything I want from a partner in terms of appearance, coupled up with similar hobbies and really cool personality, but I instantly recognized that the language barrier is a huge problem. Even though I absolutely enjoy our time together, I don't see us communicating in this way over more serious or personal topics that deepen a relationship. Only met her once, second meeting's due very soon, but I feel skeptical over any potential developments.

However, this doesn't have to be your case. If you're passionate about her, and/or she's passionate about you, you could work through it. Just be ready that it'll take time and certain things, like her hanging out with your friends and being part of your social circle, won't be available for a long period of time, perhaps ever.
 

Aizō

The Fallen
Oct 25, 2017
5,613
ほぼ真ん中の方
Nothing to report just yet. Dating site courting continues.

For those who wanted to know, we're both in Australia. She's been here for 6 months and was originally from Osaka.

EDIT: Actually nevermind, there is something to report. She's keen for a date. I need to get some $$$ together first but I will keep you updated.
That’s interesting. I have a Japanese friend from Osaka who also lives in Australia. I think she’s in Melbourne.

I’d echo some of the posts that weren’t just quoting words learned from anime. That is, that you will both learn together. Download a decent Japanese to English dictionary app for when you two are out and cannot express the word you want to say. Have fun!
 

TickleMeElbow

Member
Oct 31, 2017
1,865
If I implied that every single US Servicemen in the world necessarily has a perfect relationship, then I apologize. That wasn't my intent. I personally know of 5 Asian/Western marriages and 4 of them are US military men who speak only English. 1 of them is between two bilingual intellectuals.

Regardless, the point is that English, in this phase of OPs struggle, English is his staunchest, most effective ally. English, OP! English!!! I feel like Jacob Marley, lol.
Anecdotes don't really work is my point, because my anecdotal experience is the complete opposite lol.

I used to work at a University, and the most stable relationships between East/West cultures has been professors/phd students in the language departments. I'm also a child of such relationship.
 

Novel

Banned
Oct 25, 2017
1,933
Look I'll save you years of heartache right now. Lawyer up and hit the gym. (I'm kidding)

I'm wondering why her very basic use of English is problematic and your very basic use of Japanese isn't? It's just framed kinda weird in your OP as a primarily her issue, when you both suck at each other's languages. Unless you left out some other details.

Beyond that, I think there is a lot of value to be had in two people not being fluent in each others languages. I personally wouldn't rule out a relationship based on that. I think the challenge could help foster a lot between individuals.
My thoughts too.
 

Kyrios

Member
Oct 27, 2017
2,610
1. You're jumping the gun a little bit, you haven't met her yet and you're already thinking about when/if she meets your parents lol Take one step at a time

2. If you're willing to learn more of her language and at the same time help her out with English, go for it man.
 

Messofanego

Member
Oct 25, 2017
6,814
UK
Nothing to report just yet. Dating site courting continues.

For those who wanted to know, we're both in Australia. She's been here for 6 months and was originally from Osaka.

EDIT: Actually nevermind, there is something to report. She's keen for a date. I need to get some $$$ together first but I will keep you updated.
Thanks for the update. You willing to learn Japanese fully in case this works out? I think some good suggestions have been given, duolingo etc. While she learns English.
 

Vas

Member
Oct 25, 2017
3,824
Anecdotes don't really work is my point, because my anecdotal experience is the complete opposite lol.

I used to work at a University, and the most stable relationships between East/West cultures has been professors/phd students in the language departments. I'm also a child of such relationship.

I feel ya, but I think you're being a bit overly pedantic here. Of course there are all types of relationships out there and experiences may vary. I did not mean to imply that the only kind of relationship in the world that works is between US military and Asian women.

The point is that if the OP doesn't speak the language, he isn't doomed. However, insistence on speaking it when you can't might work to his disadvantage. English all day errday.
 
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TickleMeElbow

Member
Oct 31, 2017
1,865
I feel ya, but I think you're being a bit overly pedantic here. Of course there are all types of relationships out there and experiences may vary. I did not mean to imply that the only kind of relationship in the world that works is between US military and Asian women.

The point is that if the OP doesn't speak the language, he isn't doomed. However, insistence on speaking it when you can't might work to his disadvantage. English all day errday.
If it's super casual yeah.

But I can't imagine being in a multiculteral relationship where at least one person isn't near fluent in both languages.
 

Vas

Member
Oct 25, 2017
3,824
If it's super casual yeah.

But I can't imagine being in a multiculteral relationship where at least one person isn't near fluent in both languages.
Oh yeah, lol. I should mention that in virtually all scenarios I'm considering, the woman is fluent in conversational English at the least. If there is no shared language, then I don't even know how you would establish the premise of a relationship to begin with, and it kinda comes off as weirdly creep or fetish-driven.
 

Notaskwid

Member
Oct 25, 2017
5,059
Osaka
It is a 2 way street in an international relationship. Both need to learn each others language and culture. Japanese people love to think their culture and ways are super special and a gaijin won't be able to understand. They also have a low opinion of outside cultures in general and are always surprised when your are not a loud mouth brute. Yes, Japanese women can turn on a dime and that is not bs. Seen it a number of times. There is also a big problem with mental health issues here. Many just straight up don't believe in mental disorders or therapy. Which leads to many of the problems in Japan.

*been through some shit here*
So, I got some wisdom regarding this. Ask yourself: what are commonly the longest-lasting, most mature relationships between Japanese women and western men you'll ever see?

The answer is US Military Servicemen and Japanese women. Do they speak Japanese? No. Do they know about the culture? No. Do they even want to be there? no, they are deployed often without any say in the matter. But, the relationships thrive and often turn into life-long loving marriages far more than your JET/Exchange Student types.

The harsh, devastating reality about anybody who learns the language is that if you want to be socially popular with Japanese folks, speaking Japanese is not the way. Speaking English is.

Maybe things have changed in the decade since, maybe not, but when I was a student, the Japanese 100 level students (Freshman 1st year) had tons of Japanese friends, but the 400 level students? They didn't have hardly any.

The way I see it, when you speak English, you exude confidence. You appear exotic, interesting, and exciting. Being with you makes them feel smart and worldly, and makes them feel good about themselves. When you speak Japanese, you just sound like a kid with a child's intellect. Being with you makes them feel like babysitters. When she says your Japanese is 'cute,' she means like a baby, not like a grown sexy man... it's not a good omen that continuing to speak Japanese will take you where you want to go.

People will disagree, as I might have too back when I was in that world as a young man, but this is what I have learned. If you DO speak Japanese, remember this: Speaking keigo (polite Japanse/masudesu) is always better. It'll take you much further than trying to be 'cool' or 'hip.' It forces people to respect you and take your words in the best possible context. Good luck, my dude.
I'll echo these 2 opinions.
English is always better, the difference between the perception of an 'intermediate' level Japanese and an 'intermediate' English speaker are miles apart.

I've had someone freak out at the mere mention of mental therapy, like I was calling them crazy. Keep in mind that Japanese society in many aspects is 20 to 30 years behind 'western' society.
 

Deleted member 15326

User requested account closure
Banned
Oct 27, 2017
4,219
I'll echo these 2 opinions.
English is always better, the difference between the perception of an 'intermediate' level Japanese and an 'intermediate' English speaker are miles apart.

I've had someone freak out at the mere mention of mental therapy, like I was calling them crazy. Keep in mind that Japanese society in many aspects is 20 to 30 years behind 'western' society.
If you agree with these opinions that Japanese people are inferior OP, you may want to wrap this up now
 
Oct 26, 2017
3,021
So, I got some wisdom regarding this. Ask yourself: what are commonly the longest-lasting, most mature relationships between Japanese women and western men you'll ever see?

The answer is US Military Servicemen and Japanese women. Do they speak Japanese? No. Do they know about the culture? No. Do they even want to be there? no, they are deployed often without any say in the matter. But, the relationships thrive and often turn into life-long loving marriages far more than your JET/Exchange Student types.

The harsh, devastating reality about anybody who learns the language is that if you want to be socially popular with Japanese folks, speaking Japanese is not the way. Speaking English is.

Maybe things have changed in the decade since, maybe not, but when I was a student, the Japanese 100 level students (Freshman 1st year) had tons of Japanese friends, but the 400 level students? They didn't have hardly any.

The way I see it, when you speak English, you exude confidence. You appear exotic, interesting, and exciting. Being with you makes them feel smart and worldly, and makes them feel good about themselves. When you speak Japanese, you just sound like a kid with a child's intellect. Being with you makes them feel like babysitters. When she says your Japanese is 'cute,' she means like a baby, not like a grown sexy man... it's not a good omen that continuing to speak Japanese will take you where you want to go.

People will disagree, as I might have too back when I was in that world as a young man, but this is what I have learned. If you DO speak Japanese, remember this: Speaking keigo (polite Japanse/masudesu) is always better. It'll take you much further than trying to be 'cool' or 'hip.' It forces people to respect you and take your words in the best possible context. Good luck, my dude.
For the OPs level, I'll agree. Gonna want to be using English. For the long term, nah. While it's true there's an uncomfortable bump where you're a hassle to talk to, you're still in a much better position socially once you've crossed it and can communicate easily and effectively. Also going to disagree with talking keigo. Teineigo is fine.
 

ggundam8

Banned
Mar 12, 2018
63
Japan
If you agree with these opinions that Japanese people are inferior OP, you may want to wrap this up now
Who said Japanese people are inferior???
You are jumping to some major conclusions.

Plus what Notaskwid wrote is 100% accurate. That is a fact not a judgement.

What is your experience with Japan?
 

Jintor

Member
Oct 25, 2017
16,199
op just meet the girl before you start getting hung up about shit like how we gonna deal with the language barrier if we live our lives together. see if ya'll can manage a date together first and go from there
 

Wheatly

Member
Nov 18, 2017
148
It is a 2 way street in an international relationship. Both need to learn each others language and culture. Japanese people love to think their culture and ways are super special and a gaijin won't be able to understand. They also have a low opinion of outside cultures in general and are always surprised when your are not a loud mouth brute. Yes, Japanese women can turn on a dime and that is not bs. Seen it a number of times. There is also a big problem with mental health issues here. Many just straight up don't believe in mental disorders or therapy. Which leads to many of the problems in Japan.

*been through some shit here*
What is this generalistic BS?
 
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