So my girlfriend just had a screaming fit at me in front of a large group of strangers and I'm kind of ticked off

[ToddBonzalez]

My girlfriend told me this story a while ago that she had a bad experience in a most pit once. She's fairly small, and got shoved around more than she was comfortable with, had her glasses broken, and got a small cut on her face. This was over 10 years ago. She said she never wanted to go into a pit again. after that experience. She told it to me with the tone of a funny story; I didn't think too much of it.

Recently I saw that two of my favorite pop punk/emo bands were playing a show in town and asked her if she wanted to go. I didn't put any pressure on her, just a casual conversation about it. She agreed immediately. The show was very crowded and got a bit rowdy (nothing out of the ordinary for a typical rock show), but I made sure we stayed near the back and well out of the pit. At some point during the 2nd band's set we got separated. Since a bunch of people were pushing forward and trying to get to the front, I just figured that we just got separated and we'd reunite once the set was finished. Again, this was a very crowded and dark venue, so not easy to look around or move.

It turns out she darted out of the show and waited outside because she was uncomfortable with the situation. When I found her outside after, she had tears streaming down her face and and started screaming at me. She called me a "fucking selfish asshole". for not caring about her and not wondering where she was. She asked sarcastically if I had enjoyed myself then gave me a few more choice words as people stared. She then stormed off.

Had she communicated that this was a situation that could have made her uncomfortable I absolutely wouldn't have gone to the show. At the show, had she said something to me before leaving or sent me a text, I would have absolutely would have left to go be with her. Apparently losing track of her at a rowdy, rock show was grounds for a public dressing down.

Like there's no way I'm in the wrong here, right? This just feels so insane to me I almost can't wrap my head around it.

 

[Alucrid]

you were in the clear until you made this thread

 

[Stinkles]

This pit is just the MOST!

you have my sympathies OP.

 

[TheYanger]

Eh sounds like an overreaction on both your parts. Her for blaming you, which happens in relationships and she'll probably get over it, and you for posting about it here like it's some huge deal

 

[MrNewVegas]

Nobody is in the wrong. She's just emotional after a scary event to her. Y'all will calm down and be able to talk it out.

 

[ToddBonzalez]

Eh sounds like an overreaction on both your parts. Her for blaming you, which happens in relationships and she'll probably get over it, and you for posting about it here like it's some huge deal

Click to shrink...

I mean there was definitely some "We're done, we're never talking again" thrown in there, and I'm like what the heck? If she had communicated any of this anxiety beforehand or during the event it would have been fine? Or asked me to come outside? I just don't get it, man.

 

[Nida]

Yeah if I got separated at a concert, my first thought wouldn't be to go outside to look for said person.

Did she text you?

 

[ToddBonzalez]

Yeah if I got separated at a concert, my first thought wouldn't be to go outside to look for said person.

Did she text you?

Click to shrink...

Nope.

 

[IDontBeatGames]

First and foremost, she's not in the wrong for how she felt in the moment. Odds are, she probably did want to go to the concert but when she got there she felt immediately uncomfortable.

Secondly, lets not throw away her feelings because she probably had a fight or flight moment and because she had bad moments during a mosh pit before she instantly wanted out. That isn't your fault, but it just happened to kick in and she ran out of discomfort and probably fear.

Thirdly, I don't want throw your feelings away or not justify your feelings. You have the right to kind of be like "but what the fuck" however, I think you need to understand she couldn't communicate her feelings because she probably couldn't vocalize them. Her body and emotions communicated her thoughts or feelings in that situation and you need to be understanding that in high tension moments like that, you just need to understand and learn how to deal with that in the right way.

Finally, what you should have done is at least have a secondary conversation before the show's date came around to ensure she's comfortable and doesn't have any second thoughts. That way, you show that you're understanding from her past situations and that you don't want her to feel any discomfort at all. Also, you're not an asshole for not being able to find her. It's heavily populated situation and you're not a magician who can suddenly find their girlfriend who happens to be small in a place probably filled with 100+ people if I had to guess.

(edit) Of course this is my opinion and I could be highly wrong, I don't want to seem like I'm throwing either person's emotions away or trying to not justify them.

 

[Monsterqken]

Why couldn't she just go home then? It's a concert after all.
Maybe you should go alone or with friends in the future.

It sounds like this was an unhealthy way of testing you and your relationship unless there was actual danger.

Stand your ground.

Edit: on the fight and flight argument it's an immediate thing, not something that goes on for minutes. If she's an adult she should be in charge of how she behaves while emotional. Not your responsibility.

 

[Mandius]

Go back and fight everyone at the concert.

 

[Nida]

I mean there was definitely some "We're done, we're never talking again" thrown in there, and I'm like what the heck? If she had communicated any of this anxiety beforehand or during the event it would have been fine? Or asked me to come outside? I just don't get it, man.

Click to shrink...

Wait... how long have you been together?

 

[xxracerxx]

I mean there was definitely some "We're done, we're never talking again" thrown in there, and I'm like what the heck? If she had communicated any of this anxiety beforehand or during the event it would have been fine? I just don't get it, man.

Click to shrink...

I mean she did tell you in that story she told you a while ago, she just wanted to go with you because she was hoping it would be different and not overwhelming. You just need to understand it from her perspective.

 

[Chrno]

so this was either a moist pit or a mosh pit.

actually, if you think about it a mosh pit IS a moist pit..

hrm.

anyways, don't worry about it. It'll blow over after a day or so.

 

[fleet]

First and foremost, she's not in the wrong for how she felt in the moment. Odds are, she probably did want to go to the concert but when she got there she felt immediately uncomfortable.

Secondly, lets not throw away her feelings because she probably had a fight or flight moment and because she had bad moments during a mosh pit before she instantly wanted out. That isn't your fault, but it just happened to kick in and she ran out of discomfort and probably fear.

Thirdly, I don't want throw your feelings away or not justify your feelings. You have the right to kind of be like "but what the fuck" however, I think you need to understand she couldn't communicate her feelings because she probably couldn't vocalize them. Her body and emotions communicated her thoughts or feelings in that situation and you need to be understanding that in high tension moments like that, you just need to understand and learn how to deal with that in the right way.

Finally, what you should have done is at least have a secondary conversation before the show's date done around to ensure she's comfortable and doesn't have any second thoughts. That way, you show that you're understanding from her past situations and that you don't want her to feel any discomfort at all. Also, you're not an asshole for not being able to find her. It's heavily populated situation and you're not a magician who can suddenly find their girlfriend who happens to be small in a place probably filled with 100+ people if I had to guess.

Click to shrink...

all of the above

op go talk to your girlfriend

if she's a decent person she might meet you halfway and apologise for yelling at you

 

[n00bs7ay3r]

My girlfriend told me this story a while ago that she had a bad experience in a most pit once. She's fairly small, and got shoved around more than she was comfortable with, had her glasses broken, and got a small cut on her face. This was over 10 years ago. She said she never wanted to go into a pit again. after that experience. She told it to me with the tone of a funny story; I didn't think too much of it.

Recently I saw that two of my favorite pop punk/emo bands were playing a show in town and asked her if she wanted to go. I didn't put any pressure on her, just a casual conversation about it. She agreed immediately. The show was very crowded and got a bit rowdy (nothing out of the ordinary for a typical rock show), but I made sure we stayed near the back and well out of the pit. At some point during the 2nd band's set we got separated. Since a bunch of people were pushing forward and trying to get to the front, I just figured that we just got separated and we'd reunite once the set was finished. Again, this was a very crowded and dark venue, so not easy to look around or move.

It turns out she darted out of the show and waited outside because she was uncomfortable with the situation. When I found her outside after, she had tears streaming down her face and and started screaming at me. She called me a "fucking selfish asshole". for not caring about her and not wondering where she was. She asked sarcastically if I had enjoyed myself then gave me a few more choice words as people stared. She then stormed off.

Had she communicated that this was a situation that could have made her uncomfortable I absolutely wouldn't have gone to the show. At the show, had she said something to me before leaving or sent me a text, I would have absolutely would have left to go be with her. Apparently losing track of her at a rowdy, rock show was grounds for a public dressing down.

Like there's no way I'm in the wrong here, right? This just feels so insane to me I almost can't wrap my head around it.

Click to shrink...

You're gf disappeared in the middle of a show and you made no effort to find her and make sure she was okay? Like you didn't even send a text? Yeah I'd be a bit miffed if I was her.

 

[nekkid]

Sounds like a keeper.

 

[jaekeem]

eh if I'm being honest I think you're very in the wrong for not having looked for her right away

it sounds like she overreacted, but I can't imagine losing my SO in a venue like that and just being like "well, I will see them later I suppose"

 

[Carcosan Stag]

What I get out of your story/explanation is the following: It sounds like maybe she had some PTSD from the previous mosh pit event, agreed to go with you to this new one perhaps to make you happy, then encountered triggering content while being separated from you during the show in the crowd. She was upset and angry because she likely felt isolated and alone in a time of high anxiety and stress. Talk with her, be supportive, and make sure she knows you're there for her.

 

[PJV3]

I wouldn't worry much, she once got pushed around in a mosh pit, you avoided the mosh pit.
If that's now some Vietnam situation for her where any crowd can set her off then she should be a lot clearer about it.

 

[Soap]

My wife has cried and freaked out at me in public before, but I can usually understand why. It is awkward, but it does happen and the situation you are describing sounds like she was worried imo.

 

[ToddBonzalez]

eh if I'm being honest I think you're very in the wrong for not having looked for her right away

it sounds like she overreacted, but I can't imagine losing my SO in a venue like that and just being like "well, I will see them later I suppose"

Click to shrink...

I figured she was probably behind me a bit and we just got separated by one or two people. This happened probably 3/4's of the way through the final band's set so I figured I'd just stay put for the final few songs and find her right after. A lot people around me were pushing forward/jumping/dancing so we got moved around a bit during the show. Apparently she turned around and fully beelined out of the venue which I just didn't expect since she didn't give any indication of feeling uncomfortable or wanting to leave.

 

[Orbis]

Given your first paragraph it seems she was pretty upset with the whole situation. People say things they don't mean when they're upset, angry or scared.

Perhaps you could've tried to message her once you got separated. Perhaps she could've made it clearer that she had a genuine fear of these sorts of things after that bad experience, which may in turn have caused you to want to message her or even not lose track of her in the first place.

Basically you both need to talk and work it out.

 

[Fudgepuppy]

Stressful experiences will make you mad. Just give her time and be accommodating. This is not the time to figure out "who's to blame".

 

[sabrina]

I figured she was probably behind me a bit and we just got separated by one or two people. This happened probably 3/4 of the way through the final band's set so I figured I'd just stay put for the final few songs and find her right after. A lot people around me were pushing forward/jumping/dancing so we got moved around a bit during the show. Apparently she turned around and fully beelined out of the venue which I just didn't expect since she didn't give any indication of feeling uncomfortable or wanting to leave.

Click to shrink...

man that is the least effort you could have possibly done

especially because she probably either couldn't get a signal to text you or assumed that there's no way you'd notice your phone receiving a text message

YTA

 

[Dude Abides]

Just tell hernshe is very dumb for not texting you while she was outside. That will fix things.

 

[Glasfrut]

How old are the two of you? That will probably influence my take here.

 

[jaekeem]

I figured she was probably behind me a bit and we just got separated by one or two people. A lot people around me were pushing forward/jumping/dancing so we got moved around a bit during the show. Apparently she turned around and fully beelined out of the venue which I just didn't expect since she didn't give any indication of feeling uncomfortable or wanting to leave.

Click to shrink...

you said she's a relatively small woman, right?

I mean...(not trying to jump down your throat at all, just speaking from how I would view it if I was in a situation)...my first priority would be making sure my SO isn't getting pushed around or scared. like at all. even if she had joked about her previous bad incident, I personally feel like it's obvious that esp for small women that kind of situation can be terrifying if things start getting crazy. #1 priority is making sure that your SO feels safe. not concert.

you should have, at a minimum, texted her and been like "looking for you, are you ok" asap imo

 

[Vonocourt]

Seems like a failure of communication on both you guys part after the separation, but she did tell you of a previous experience and chalking it up as just a "regular" divergence and your inclination to meet up after the show, especially at a slightly rowdy punk show where the story sounds like you're her only familiar face... that's just not great man.

 

[ToddBonzalez]

How old are the two of you? That will probably influence my take here.

Click to shrink...

Mid 20's, both

 

[riotous]

I don't find the idea of getting separated at a concert and not trying to find my girlfriend immediately normal, unless we were with a group of friends or something as soon as I realized she wasn't with me I'd look for her.

Although I wouldn't assume she bailed lol

 

[Jon Carter]

I mean there was definitely some "We're done, we're never talking again" thrown in there, and I'm like what the heck? If she had communicated any of this anxiety beforehand or during the event it would have been fine? Or asked me to come outside? I just don't get it, man.

Click to shrink...

You must be very lucky if you felt that argument was a huge deal despite having been with her for over 10 years. I get into arguments like this with my wife all the time. Last week, she was pissed I only left a tiny bit of ice cream in the jar and she ended up shoving the jar in my face screaming "Eat it! Eat it!" I think your relationship will be fine.

 

[PJV3]

Stressful experiences will make you mad. Just give her time and be accommodating. This is not the time to figure out "who's to blame".

Click to shrink...

Yeah, just say sorry and let things cool off.

 

[Felt]

OP it's time to hit the gym

 

[Mekanos]

Yeah, if it was me and my girlfriend shared an unpleasant experience at a concert before, I wouldn't let my eyes off of her the whole time, and would look for her the moment I lost her. I would at least own that.

 

[Order]

Not going to look for her or even just sending a text is pretty shitty

 

[riotous]

How long were you separated with her outside?

 

[ToddBonzalez]

Yeah, if it was me and my girlfriend shared an unpleasant experience at a concert before, I wouldn't let my eyes off of her the whole time, and would look for her the moment I lost her. I would at least own that.

Click to shrink...

Fair I guess. She told me that story in a jokey way a while ago (definitely not related to the current concert situation) so I guess it didn't register in my head that it was something that could still upset her this much.

 

[sphagnum]

>small girlfriend had a negative physical experience at a crowded concert once
>go to crowded concert, get separated, don't think about what this could mean about her safety or comfort because she hadn't blatantly brought it up right beforehand
>make literally no effort to find her
>she yells at me for being careless wtf??

Friend, you kind of sound like me in that I am often completely oblivious to other people's feelings unless they are directly stated to me. My advice would be to work on your thoughtfulness. She'll calm down if you show you care and learn from this, but you're blowing off her valid concerns about your apparent complete lack of interest in her safety or even enjoyment. Have you considered that maybe she wanted to be there with you and not just for the music?

 

[IDontBeatGames]

I figured she was probably behind me a bit and we just got separated by one or two people. This happened probably 3/4's of the way through the final band's set so I figured I'd just stay put for the final few songs and find her right after. A lot people around me were pushing forward/jumping/dancing so we got moved around a bit during the show. Apparently she turned around and fully beelined out of the venue which I just didn't expect since she didn't give any indication of feeling uncomfortable or wanting to leave.

Click to shrink...

I tried to play fair and justify both of your feelings in my other post but this kind of throws it out the window for me. You knew she had issues prior to mosh pit like situations. And even after asking her once, you didn't try to have another conversation just to ensure she is mentally and emotionally okay with going to this concert before buying tickets. Hell, you could have double checked after and get a refund days prior to the concert if you had the conversation and she said no or you could have asked a friend to go.

However, the fact you willingly sat through the rest of the set rather than looking for her makes you an asshole. The first thing you should have done the minute she disappeared was look around to see if you make eye contact with her within your surroundings. It doesn't matter how much you love the band etc, anything could have happened to her literally anything. Fucked up shit happens all the time man, you're supposed to make sure she's safe at all times. That's where you fucked up in my opinion.

 

[Glasfrut]

Mid 20's, both

Click to shrink...

I'm tempted to tell you guys that you'll both live. But...

Just call her up when she picks up and apologize. Explain you lost track of her at the end there. She'll "cool" down when she feels you aren't fighting her on this (and when she's had a think).

(If you must, finesse it by saying you were hoping this would turn out better than her last experience but didn't fully appreciate how tough it was for her 🤷🏾‍♀️ ...finesse that shit.)

 

[ToddBonzalez]

Not going to look for her or even just sending a text is pretty shitty

Click to shrink...

People getting a bit separated at a show where the crowd is active feels normal to me? It seems to happen to me often when going with friends and we just get back together between songs if we can or at the end, no big deal. I've never gone to a show like this with my current gf though, so I didn't know her feelings about it.

 

[Mendrox]

I figured she was probably behind me a bit and we just got separated by one or two people. This happened probably 3/4's of the way through the final band's set so I figured I'd just stay put for the final few songs and find her right after. A lot people around me were pushing forward/jumping/dancing so we got moved around a bit during the show. Apparently she turned around and fully beelined out of the venue which I just didn't expect since she didn't give any indication of feeling uncomfortable or wanting to leave.

Click to shrink...

Okay this is the part where you were in the wrong. You knew. She is small. Watch out for her. "She is an adult blablabla" doesn't mean shit in this case. She did you a favour by going with you and you didn't even watch out for her all the time in a crowded place with tons of people and her being small.

People getting a bit separated at a show where the crowd is active feels normal to me? It seems to happen to me often when going with friends and we just get back together between songs if we can or at the end, no big deal. I've never gone to a show like this with my current gf though, so I didn't know her feelings about it.

Click to shrink...

No you shouldn't get separated from your girlfriend mate. What the fuck.

 

[riotous]

People getting a bit separated at a show where the crowd is active feels normal to me? It seems to happen to me often when going with friends and we just get back together between songs if we can or at the end, no big deal. I've never gone to a show like this with my current gf though, so I didn't know her feelings about it.

Click to shrink...

Being with friends is quite different.

It is not normal to lose track of your GF and then not try to find her, if it was just you 2 at the show especially.

That's with or without the previous story; you don't leave your girl alone for extended period of times in pushy rowdy crowds.

 

[Kyuuji]

+1 for if I got separated from my partner during the set I'd go and look for her and text her if I couldn't find her. Especially if I was aware of her discomfort in those sorts of crowds. Wouldn't just shrug and continue watching through several songs with her gone lol.

 

[ToddBonzalez]

I tried to play fair and justify both of your feelings in my other post but this kind of throws it out the window for me. You knew she had issues prior to mosh pit like situations. And even after asking her once, you didn't try to have another conversation just to ensure she is mentally and emotionally okay with going to this concert before buying tickets. Hell, you could have double checked after and get a refund days prior to the concert if you had the conversation and she said no or you could have asked a friend to go.

However, the fact you willingly sat through the rest of the set rather than looking for her makes you an asshole. The first thing you should have done the minute she disappeared was look around to see if you make eye contact with her within your surroundings. It doesn't matter how much you love the band etc, anything could have happened to her literally anything. Fucked up shit happens all the time man, you're supposed to make sure she's safe at all times. That's where you fucked up in my opinion.

Click to shrink...

To be fair, she told me this story months and months ago, as a quick jokey story, She didn't put much emphasis on it or bring it up in regards to this current show which we got tickets to a few weeks ago.

 

[Rabalder.]

I mean, if me and my GF got separated at a concert, I would 100% be looking for her if it was just us two there.

 

[Order]

People getting a bit separated at a show where the crowd is active feels normal to me? It seems to happen to me often when going with friends and we just get back together between songs if we can or at the end, no big deal. I've never gone to a show like this with my current gf though, so I didn't know her feelings about it.

Click to shrink...

She told you she's had bad experiences at concerts, the second she disappeared you should have looked for her to make sure she was straight.

 

[never]

You should have some empathy towards her for what was probably a pretty horrible experience. She was clearly bothered that you sat through multiple bands sets and didn't wonder what happened to her or check if she was OK. That part, at least, seems like a reasonable reaction.

You feeling weird that she yelled at you in public, doesn't seem to be the important part of what went down.

 

[IDontBeatGames]

People getting a bit separated at a show where the crowd is active feels normal to me? It seems to happen to me often when going with friends and we just get back together between songs if we can or at the end, no big deal. I've never gone to a show like this with my current gf though, so I didn't know her feelings about it.

Click to shrink...

You're missing the point.
Yes, it's normal but you know she's had a bad history with mosh pits. You even said it yourself in the OP. You should have instantly had the instincts of "Oh shit, where's my girlfriend? Is she okay? I don't see her, she doesn't like mosh pits and I need to make sure I know where she is."