OP
OP
It was after the show, but we got separated as the last band was playing their last couple songs. I was already toward the back of the venue so I was outside almost immediately after the set ended.
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So my girlfriend just had a screaming fit at me in front of a large group of strangers and I'm kind of ticked off
- Thread starter ToddBonzalez
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Many people use humor or light tone to relay information that may be hard or embarrassing. When she told you that story, even though she may have done it with a light tone it was probably because she did not want you to think less of her and she was embarrassed but that does not alter the effect that the event had on her.
You guys need to talk shit out. Go out somewhere where you can be private but still out like a beach, a park...somewhere where there will not be people listening to your every words but where it will feel like neutral ground.
I feel like I would have began looking immediately or tried to send a text in those circumstances. Keep in mind I don't think the OP is some kind of monster for not thinking of it I am just saying I understand why the GF might be upset at them.
It's okay if you got upset too, that's normal. Next time, both of you should have like a discussion about do's and donts when a specific scenario happens.
Ehh you should have looked for her. It feels weird that you just assumed she was okay and near you?
I feel like if logistics change at a show and I can't see the person I'm with anymore I make an effort to find them. And then communicate with a wave or eye contact if it's really crowded and hard to move. If I still can't find them then at least send a text or try calling.
I can also see your side though. It's easy to get caught up in a show and not want to miss a moment. sorry you're in this situation.
I feel like if logistics change at a show and I can't see the person I'm with anymore I make an effort to find them. And then communicate with a wave or eye contact if it's really crowded and hard to move. If I still can't find them then at least send a text or try calling.
I can also see your side though. It's easy to get caught up in a show and not want to miss a moment. sorry you're in this situation.
Sounds like she was just scared and panicked. Seeing you (ironically) might actually have made her feel a little more safe again. She just emotional because it was 'over', not that strange.
She is overreacting, sure, but I would'nt take it personal. Let her cool off for a bit, you do the same and then talk it over like adults. If that doesn't work, THEN you have a problem.
For the record, you should've at least texted to see if she was OK.
Good luck, OP!
She is overreacting, sure, but I would'nt take it personal. Let her cool off for a bit, you do the same and then talk it over like adults. If that doesn't work, THEN you have a problem.
For the record, you should've at least texted to see if she was OK.
Good luck, OP!
I would disagree that you didn't have enough information, because she had already told you she had a traumatic experience. I understand though, you've been to multiple shows and nothing has happened, and you felt the story wasn't important so in the moment, of course it would feel you didn't have the information, so, your feeling of anger in the moment is valid. But, sit down and discuss that with her. Work out the dos and don'ts, find out what triggered her trauma, put plans in place to mitigate it if you go to any future shows.
Her past experience sounds awful. Maybe you can just listen to music on Spotify and not risk your hearing/bodily harm?
I don't think you considered her past traumatic experience. And you should have looked for her when you lost each other.
You obviously didn't mean any of this, and had no ill intent. So just tell her you messed up.
I don't think you considered her past traumatic experience. And you should have looked for her when you lost each other.
You obviously didn't mean any of this, and had no ill intent. So just tell her you messed up.
I think calling it traumatic is a bit much. According to the OP she broke her glasses and got a small cut on her face 10 years ago and didn't want to go into another pit. Not saying that couldn't be traumatic for someone, but OP never used the words "trauma" or "traumatic" that I can see so it's likely his girlfriend didn't either.
Based on the way you told the story, I would agree that you are not to blame. Like others have said though, she was in a stressful situation and said things she probably didn't actually mean. She should have communicated better though, I agree.
She probably didn't if the story was told in a jesting way, that doesn't mean it wasn't traumatic. She still made it crystal clear she never wished to be in a mosh pit again.
And then, being at the back of a mosh pit with a slightly rowdy crowd was enough to have her panic and get the fuck out of dodge. The word might never have been mentioned, but the actions here are pretty clear to me.
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If anything, she's the one who messed up though? She is the one who didn't communicate at first, only to later scream at the OP and call OP foul things, swear words included. That said, I don't think either party is really to be blamed as again she was under a lot of stress and probably didn't mean what she said, while OP was just acting like most people would around a concert. OP didn't know any better, while OP's girlfriend didn't communicate her feelings well enough. They'll get over it.
she wasn't in a mosh pit though, according to OP.
There's a difference between a bad experience and a traumatic one, and I don't think we should be assuming she was traumatised by her earlier experience when seemingly she never even used that language when talking to OP about it. It's pretty shitty to use loaded words like "traumatic" because it completely changes the context of the situation.
Is he dating a 5 year old?
Why should this be his instinct?
I don't think OP really has anything to apologize for. This situation seems to have happened because of miscommunication. At the end of the day they're both adults and I don't think that anyone of them really has any obligation to constantly check on each other to make sure that everything is fine. Have a discussion about what happened and try to understand each other and make sure that this doesn't happen again.
This thread and the responses (this reaction would be normal behavior and happens all the time) makes me appreciate my wife even more. She's a absolut reasonable adult that can take care of herself and of course she will sometimes be mad about things I don't understand, but she would never ever so something like shove the ice cream to my face and yell at me.
Maybe you should have talked about it what you do if you get separated if she has problems with situations like that. That's the fault. She could have done it as well, so you both screwed up. She's an independent adult and not some little child.
But I'm with you it's not really reasonable to search someone in a crowd like this only 15 minutes before the end. I'm not sure how many of the people say you should find her or even call her (however that would work) ever been to a concert like this. You could have text her. That's right. But that's not a reason to dump you. It's miscommunication on both sides.
Maybe you should have talked about it what you do if you get separated if she has problems with situations like that. That's the fault. She could have done it as well, so you both screwed up. She's an independent adult and not some little child.
But I'm with you it's not really reasonable to search someone in a crowd like this only 15 minutes before the end. I'm not sure how many of the people say you should find her or even call her (however that would work) ever been to a concert like this. You could have text her. That's right. But that's not a reason to dump you. It's miscommunication on both sides.
I think based on your story, she's absolutely in the wrong and owes you an apology for publicity guilting you. Was the Mosh Pit story discussed at all in the leadup to the gig or was it just told as a funny story ages ago? It's not at all your fault to not have that story playing in your mind if the latter
I can understand how she'd be upset, but seems like an immature overreaction to yell at you in public over something that was barely mentioned months prior to the concert. That said you should have tried to look for her during the show.
If this is enough for her to break up, you might be dodging a bullet.
If this is enough for her to break up, you might be dodging a bullet.
That sounds pretty traumatic to me. Mosh pits are dangerous.
It's because you didn't attempt to find her or text her to see where she was. It's because you assumed she was ok when she wasn't.
To you and me OP who wouldn't be bothered by that if the roles were reversed, initially we might wonder what the problem is, but if you stop and think about it it's understandable from her point of view - she's having a bit of a stress and you've buggered off and from her perspective made zero attempt to find her which has made it worse. To her it feels like you put yourself first rather than her, regardless of the intent.
I tell you, relationships are a right fucking ball ache sometimes.
To you and me OP who wouldn't be bothered by that if the roles were reversed, initially we might wonder what the problem is, but if you stop and think about it it's understandable from her point of view - she's having a bit of a stress and you've buggered off and from her perspective made zero attempt to find her which has made it worse. To her it feels like you put yourself first rather than her, regardless of the intent.
I tell you, relationships are a right fucking ball ache sometimes.
I didn't mean a gig is bad, I meant anywhere with tons of people.
i have been seperated a few times at venues, the general rule is enjoy the show you payed for and meet up at the door on the way out, if you can't spot each other before.
I would have looked for her but I don't think you're to blame for not looking for her, she's a whole ass human being. I'm paranoid and would have looked around to at least make note of where she was
They vast majority of people who engage in mosh pits come out untraumatised. There's no reason to assume she found the experience to be anything worse than a bad experience. Calling it "traumatic" is just projecting.
What I get from it is that you told your GF through your actions that you cared more about the concert than her. She came to the concert of your favorite band, and she, a solo female you should feel some care/responsibility for, got separated from you, the guy she was supporting, and you didn't care for you her until after the show.
It's kind of silly, but you bring up the fact she didn't text you. Did you text her?
Also, she reacted poorly but she had a right to be upset.
It's kind of silly, but you bring up the fact she didn't text you. Did you text her?
Also, she reacted poorly but she had a right to be upset.
Maybe with friends or something like that. Fuck doing that with my wife, there's no scenario where that happens.
You sure are defensive of another womans man.
The OP made it clear. She had a traumatic experience at a concert in the past, lost her for a whole set(OPs words, not mine), then expected everything to be fine?
The fuck is wrong with you calling her belligerent. If I didn't know any better, I'd call you misogynistic. Hell you might as well be, taking the side of one man who told you that his girlfriend had a traumatic experience at a concert, and reacted bad to being abandoned at a concert.
Doesn't take a therapist to link what OP said about his GF and concerts, to his GFs reaction about a concert(Probably their first with OP) experience.
especially if she told it as a funny story a long time ago. Based on OP's version of events, she just pulled that story into the mix to make him feel twice as guilty when all he did was get separated for a couple of songs
if that's your rule then that's fair enough and you should stick to it, i can also see why some people are happy with not launching an immediate search as well, there's no right or wrong really.
Where do people keep getting this from. OP never made that clear. OP said he was told she had a bad time in a mosh pit and it was framed as a funny story. There was no mention of "trauma" from OP or their girlfriend by the sound of it.
Because it's OP retelling what he heard
You don't get to decide what is traumatic for another person. Someone getting lost in a mall for 5 minutes can be traumatic for a person. Someone running into a clown at a circus when they're 5 can be traumatic.
You don't get to decide. The fact that OP decided the story his GF gave him about a concert was important enough to retell and to not just be a 'funny, forgettable story', is telling enough.
We can all only make assumptions about what was actually in OP's girlfriend's head that got her so upset, but I'm not finding it comfortable that people are infantilizing her anger by saying their own partners are "reasonable adults."
People become reasonable adults but still carry forward traits from distressful situations that make particular situations very difficult to engage with, even in adulthood. Sure, it might not be trauma as some might suggest, but it's not going to be insignificant. Even adults have unhealed (and unhealable) experiences but can still function as adults.
When you get romantically involved with someone, I think it's a perfectly reasonable adult thing to do to navigate and learn that. OP is sharing a story where that learning process seems to have blown up — he clearly didn't meet her emotional desires in this particular situation, and maybe was underequipped to respond appropriately.
And hell, it's a fucking concert — you may be super into it and think it's a harmless place but maybe something happened in the 15 minutes that OP wasn't paying attention? Maybe even the threat of something happening was enough to put things even more on the edge for OP's girlfriend? 2 years isn't a TON of time as far as relationships go.
People become reasonable adults but still carry forward traits from distressful situations that make particular situations very difficult to engage with, even in adulthood. Sure, it might not be trauma as some might suggest, but it's not going to be insignificant. Even adults have unhealed (and unhealable) experiences but can still function as adults.
When you get romantically involved with someone, I think it's a perfectly reasonable adult thing to do to navigate and learn that. OP is sharing a story where that learning process seems to have blown up — he clearly didn't meet her emotional desires in this particular situation, and maybe was underequipped to respond appropriately.
And hell, it's a fucking concert — you may be super into it and think it's a harmless place but maybe something happened in the 15 minutes that OP wasn't paying attention? Maybe even the threat of something happening was enough to put things even more on the edge for OP's girlfriend? 2 years isn't a TON of time as far as relationships go.
because seeing the gfs reaction as OP puts it makes it clear
are you following the story
after all it's one side of the story and the OP cared enough to mention her previous concert experience as well as try to paint her as a bad guy for having a shouting match in public after the fact.
If it was just the shouting match? That's one thing. But he cared to highlight a moment she told to him.One side of the story, but OP cared to set himself up as the bad guy.
Women are just as independent as men, pampering because of sex, is sexism. The same standards apply as with any other adult at a concert Iike that. Being seperated from your SO for a little while at a concert is no justification to scream at your partner and break up with them on the spot in those circumstances (if as OP says). People here are treating that person differently then they would treat OP because she's a woman. But you're saying because I'm treating her the same as I would if the roles had been reversed I'm suddenly a misogynist? Ok
I'm calling her beligerent in that circumstance because she heavily over reacted and was a screaming at him publicly. Maybe beligerent isn't the right term. But that's not rational behavior. I get that it was likely brought on by their trauma. But that doesn't give her a free pass to be an asshole. I feel for OP here, that's all.
^ Pretty much my feelings.
Think of how she felt. She sounds like she was uncomfortable with all the bumping and the amount of people around you. She obviously didn't feel comfortable even though she thought she would when she agreed to go. That's something that can happen.
The screaming at you was also an emotional response as she sounds like she was still scared/shaking/etc. People can say it's immature all they want but everyone, adult or child can and do have outbursts like that even if they don't want to admit it.
If there was that many people around, I think she may be a bit claustrophobic maybe? In other words, it's best to avoid situations like that where you'd have lots of rowdy people all around you so much that you'd have trouble moving without bumping into people like this.
My personal suggestion would be to talk to her, apologize for not considering her feelings more but if you want, you can also say "I didn't appreciate being yelled at like that in public. I understand why you did it and that you were upset and I should have thought more about you/looked for you/texted to see if you were already but it did upset me as well. that you would yell like that at me in public"
something like that. It means you get your feelings out about how you felt but also shows that you have an understanding of what she went through and that you'll try not to let something like that happen again.
Something like that anyway. I just... I can honestly see myself in both peoples shoes, yours and hers as I doubt I could handle that situation either and I am a pretty emotional person but I'd also be angry about being yelled at like that in public.
So yeah I feel for both of you.
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