God, I reactivated my Facebook to post about my sobriety and I saw that a good person I used to hang out with at a local brewery passed away from cancer a couple days ago. I'm somewhat beside myself. Every time I bumped into him the last few months I saw him, we talked about getting a drink and having some one-on-one time that we never got in a crowded brewery (this was right before I stopped drinking). Part of me feels determined that I'm not drinking because I know I'll never be able to have that drink with that amazing person.
I'm... Having trouble
All of January, I was dry. Not a drop the whole month. It was a monkish existence but I felt OK. Not brilliant, not awful, but blank and fine. I was quietly happy about it
Feb rolled around, rewarded myself with a bottle of scotch. That lasted about 36 hours. Became a drinker again. Met my girlfriend shortly after my birthday in March, having the time of my life since, but for the fucking drinking alone at home which I can't seem to stop doing
Been "working from home" today nursing a hangover with about a case of new beers and I feel like abject shit. I don't understand why I can't treat my anxieties with something healthier. I want to be a better man for my girlfriend. I don't want to hurt her with this embarrassment of mine. I need help
This shit is
really hard. I remember watching an Alice Cooper documentary and he struggled with alcoholism for a long time, almost wasted away from it before he got sober. Years later his wife let him have a sip of wine because she thought one sip wouldn't hurt after all that time and by the end of that night he had a bottle of whiskey stashed in the house.
Always keep in mind that we all stumble on this journey. I fucked up
so many times before I got kicked out of a bar and that switch flipped in my head which made it too real that I couldn't keep doing this to myself. It's challenging enough for people to make lifestyle changes that
don't involve addiction. Making the lifestyle changes to overcome addiction is another beast entirely, especially when it is linked to anxiety (my alcoholism was fueled by being in a band while not coping with my social anxiety properly).
Every day you go without a drink is a day where you have improved your ability to say no, practiced self-love and -care, and further normalized alcohol not being in your life. We might not succeed in this every day, and we may falter for a long time before finding our feet again, but that does not invalidate the perspective it's given us. Keep it close and use it with intent when you find the strength to confront your addiction again. I'm rootin' for ya!