Okay but for real, here's the IX plot
The Resistance learns that the Empire has been constructing a new Starkiller under the supervision of Kylo Ren and his Knights. As the station is protected by an energy shield, Poe leads a strike team to destroy the shield generator on Tattooine; doing so would allow a squadron of starfighters to destroy the Death Star. Rey and Finn accompany the strike team to Endor in a stolen Imperial shuttle. Rey and his companions encounter a tribe of Jawas and, after an initial conflict, gain their trust. Later, Rey tells Finn that she isn't related to anyone at all, but nonetheless, she must confront Kylo Ren. Surrendering to FO troops, Rey is brought before Kylo, and she tries to convince him to return from the dark side of the Force.
Kylo takes Rey to the Starkiller Deux, intent on turning her to the dark side. He reveals that the Starkiller is operational and that the Resistance will fall into a trap. On Tattooine, Han's team is captured by the Knights of Ren, but a counterattack by the Jawas allows the Resistance to infiltrate the shield generator. Meanwhile, Lando Calrissian leads the fleet in the Millennium Falcon, again, only to find that the Starkiller's shield is still active, and the FO fleet waiting for them. Kylo tempts Rey to give in to her anger, and she engages him in a lightsaber duel. Enraged, Rey attacks and severs Kylo's prosthetic hand. He entreats Rey to kill him and take his place, but Rey refuses, declaring herself a Jedi that her parents never were. Furious, Kylo tortures Rey with Force lightning. Unwilling to let his secret crush for the last three movies die, General Hux throws Kylo down a pit, but is mortally electrocuted in the process. At his last request, Rey makes out with Hux before he dies in her arms.
After the strike team destroys the shield generator, Lando leads a group of fighters into the Starkiller core and destroys its main reactor. Rey manages to escape on a shuttle. Unfortunately, Lando does not make it out on time like last time and dies in a fiery blaze, but not before seeing the ghost of L3 welcoming him into her arms.
On Tattooine, Finn reveals to Poe that Rey really isn't related to anyone at all. Poe kisses Finn -- however, despite both being gay, Finn backs out, revealing that he was never attracted to Poe in the first place and thought that their relationship was strictly platonic. Poe proceeds to be embarassed and depressed and calls himself a "fucking idiot" for the remainder of the movie's ending.
Rey cremates Hux's body on a pyre. As the defeat of the FO is celebrated, Rey sees of all the Jedi who have died since then wondering what in the ever flying fuck just happened.
As a first for the series, there is a post-credits stinger. Rose is on the phone with an unknown individual about the future of the New Republic. Her tone turns sinister as she ends the call with "it's all gone exactly as planned... Chancellor Organa."
