Starting to feel like im not ever gonna find my life partner.

[Tahnit]

So I'm 41 years old and never been married. I am also on the spectrum with aspersers so I am starting to think this is a major factor of why I cant seem to find anyone. The whole thing has me really depressed because I cant seem to find my life partner and I'm in my 40's. Some would call that pretty pathetic.

I wasn't sure I should even bring this up but this community seems pretty welcome to all groups of people so I thought what the hell why not.

I've tried dating apps and met some people and had some fun sure but it usually ended up falling apart pretty quickly. Longest relationship I had was 3 years and that ended up terribly as she wouldn't put forth any effort into the relationship financially or otherwise.

My whole romantic life has just been a mess since always and I'm not really sure what to do at this point. I'm starting to think that I am probably going to end up single my entire life.

I didn't go out much before and now because of COVID I really don't go out for obvious reasons. I have some close friends but not a group that I would hang out with very often. I have a decent job as a government contractor but I don't see any options there either.

It just feels like its not in the cards for me and that is really starting to get me down. I have a feeling that my Aspergers is preventing me from really connecting with anyone long term like a normal person would.

I'm not suicidal or anything I guess I am just drunk on cinco de mayo and asking advice because the whole thing is just causing me to be depressed.

Totally expecting some ridicule and I guess I'm ok with that so here goes.

 

[JasonMCG]

I feel you, OP. I've made peace with the idea that I might never find my person, but that's not going to stop me from looking. In my experience, the best relationships happen right as you're ready to throw in the towel. Keep your chin up and manifest good vibes.

 

[gdt]

It's possible. Keep trying though! Worst case you can just get laid every once in a while.

Nothing to lose by keeping at it. Plenty of people have found love later in life.

 

[Garp TXB]

Its never too late, and while it can be difficult, it isn’t impossible. I’m 44 and recently divorced, and the dating world can be super overwhelming for me.

Just keep trying, keep on the apps, try to be as honest as you can, be true to yourself. The odds are in your favor and you will eventually meet someone after awhile. And when you feel comfortable enough with then maybe tell them about your Aspergers and how it affects you. Anyone worth being with will understand.

 

[BadWolf]

I'm not even looking.

Loving the single life.

 

[nonoriri]

I struggled with constantly being single despite being what most people would consider decent looking (I'm also queer it's a different dating pool). Eventually came to realize that I wasn't particularly sad about being single, despite being interested in finding someone, it was pressure from society that made me feel bad for being single. Overall, my life was pretty good and what I actually felt bad about was the fear of being lonely so I invested in friendships and spending time with those people and I'm quite content now. Many of my friends are partnered but they're all childfree so we spend a lot of time going out and having fun so I rarely feel like the odd one out. I've still tried dating a bit but when it hasn't worked out, I don't feel as discouraged as I used to. I feel like I can wait to find the right person.

I hope you can find happiness and a partner that fits with you OP. Manifesting good vibes.

 

[pez2k]

There's no shame in being single and in your 40s - it just means that you've not met the right person yet. Look at it this way, you still have 25+ years ahead of you for that to happen. Keep looking, don't let it get you down, and don't worry about being on the spectrum - when you meet the right person they will accept that and understand.

 

[cameron]

Lot's of folks marry when they're young and go through bitter divorces before finding their right partner much later in their life.

Don't concern yourself about your age.

 

[Melpomene]

I'm on the spectrum, too. I know what it's like to feel like the baggage that comes along with that designation is dragging you down - hell, I don't exactly have a lot of friends, myself - but don't let it convince you there's nothing out there for you, at least not in a way that can't be helped. I've been happily in a relationship for the past five-plus years now in... what I can only assume is something akin to a normal manner? We're both quite happy, emotionally communicative, and functional, and I don't think I'm particularly "impressive" socially, as far as people on the spectrum go.

I don't think it's "pathetic" not to have found a life partner at any age really, in any case. People find people with whom they connect at all different points in life; sometimes it's just about the right place, the right time, and the right openness to things on both parties' ends. What's "normal" to some isn't normal at all to others, no one's life path really follows what they feel it "ought" to based on their preconceptions, and I don't think it's wrong to say that as long as you keep putting yourself out there, there's still a solid chance for you. Certainly much better of one than if you just decided your diagnosis makes you incompatible with people and threw up your hands, at least!

I think a lot of people right now are reckoning with long-term frustrations they've sort of been locked in with for the last year in a way that's been unavoidable, and I think it's introducing some negative bias into their judgement as to whether there's an "escape" from those frustrations. I'm in no position to give grand overarching life advice, or tell you exactly how to dig yourself out of how you're feeling right now; not when so many have their own unique holes to dig out of at the moment, so all I can really do is offer encouragement, for what that's worth. There's nothing to ridicule here, though, in the least. Keep on putting in the effort, and just don't give in to the thinking that being born a particular way has predetermined you to be "out of the running."

 

[Evoker]

I've been married once. Got married at 23. Only lasted for 2 years. Honestly, I'd be okay if I'm never married again. I enjoy the single life too much and being able to make my own decisions without considering if it matches up with someone else's desires or needs.

 

[Tokyo_Funk]

Same deal as you OP. It's made me lose interest altogether. The only girl I planned to marry is deceased and I just can't be bothered anymore.

 

[jb1234]

I'm 40, also with Aspergers and have given up.

(But I have other issues too.)

 

[Ch3m61_]

We are all posters on a videogame centric forum. I am positive there are other people on here who have felt the same way you currently feel, and felt like they would never find someone. I was one of them. I met my wife when I was 32 and never had any real solid relationships beforehand, and now we have children and a future.

Don't give into despair. Its cliche as hell but sometimes things can happen at the strangest times and when you arent even looking. Just keep an open mind and don't be afraid to try and leave your comfort zone also, as much as you can with your Aspergers.

Keep at it.

 

[echoshifting]

40, recently divorced (2 years of absolute misery leading up to it), have a lot of health issues that are obstacles. Just going to learn to like myself as a single person for a bit before I even try. Maybe have some casual sex along the way but that's it

 

[MushroomSamba]

I unfortunately don't have any advice, only well wishes.

I also don't quite understand the sentiment that if you're single, you're "pathetic", as if the only way to live a happy life is with a partner. I'm currently married, had many periods in my life of being single and in serious relationships, and honestly, no matter what current status you're in, you should be happy. Being happy with just yourself first seems like the important thing. Having someone to share that happiness with isn't necessarily better, just a different form of happiness, IMO.

I feel like if your happiness depends on another person, that is not very healthy and also kind of an unfair burden on the partner.

 

[Nali]

Nobody's worth any more or less as a person because of their dating status, no matter what kind of importance society tries to attach to it.

 

[Tahnit]

I unfortunately don't have any advice, only well wishes.

I also don't quite understand the sentiment that if you're single, you're "pathetic", as if the only way to live a happy life is with a partner. I'm currently married, had many periods in my life of being single and in serious relationships, and honestly, no matter what current status you're in, you should be happy. Being happy with just yourself first seems like the important thing. Having someone to share that happiness with isn't necessarily better, just a different form of happiness, IMO.

I feel like if your happiness depends on another person, that is not very healthy and also kind of an unfair burden on the partner.

Click to shrink...

maybe I am just feeling social pressure then. But being lonely really sucks.

 

[CarpeDeezNutz]

Do you feel that way because of pressure from your parents? I remember getting into my 30s and my mom was “when am I going to have grandchildren?”

 

[Heliex]

Im only 23, so i cant say in there yet, but after my last serious relationship a year ago, I feel like im never gonna find someone again, which is crazy to think since I found someone to begin with. One thing I have learned after breaking up and then experiencing one of the worst years ever due to covid, is that im no longer afraid if I end up alone.

 

[Professor RAWR]

As others have said, I myself also enjoying the single life. I'm about to turn 25 next month and never kissed or had sex with a woman. Never went on dating and such. I'm just too comfortable by doing daily hobbies like working out, playing football (soccer), gaming, building Legos, etc.. Heck most of my ex coworkers were SHOCKED when I've told them about this and most assumed that I was a "fuck boi" that goes chasing and sleeping with women.

I'm planning to finally go out and start looking yet I don't really see the full hype about it. Really hate how on society many people get shamed just for not having a partner and being alone is like the worst thing in the world. Yet in my view, being single is the perfect opportunity to continue improve yourself, saving tons of money and stress, etc. Been doing that for years, and still continuing too.

Funny how my parents think i'm going to get married and have kids. I always chuckle when they told me that especially last Saturday.

 

[Tahnit]

Do you feel that way because of pressure from your parents? I remember getting into my 30s and my mom was “when am I going to have grandchildren?”

Click to shrink...

no..no one is really pressuring me..but I do see all my friends in happy relationships/marriages with kids and fear I am missing out on something wonderful.

 

[Garp TXB]

no..no one is really pressuring me..but I do see all my friends in happy relationships/marriages with kids and fear I am missing out on something wonderful.

Click to shrink...

Eh, they may not be as happy as they seem outwardly.

 

[anexanhume]

Just don’t tie self-worth to your ability to find a relationship.

I was married for 9 years, divorced now for 2. I have dated a bit, but I’ve come to terms with the fact that I’m looking for something very specific that caters well to the life I already have. That may never come along, and that’s ok.

I do have a daughter though, so I still have a personal relationship that is extremely meaningful to me. Spending my spare time doing stuff with her is pretty damn fulfilling.

 

[fairyd]

I think it would be a good idea to prepare for the fact that it may never happen.

 

[Garp TXB]

Just don’t tie self-worth to your ability to find a relationship.

I was married for 9 years, divorced now for 2. I have dated a bit, but I’ve come to terms with the fact that I’m looking for something very specific that caters well to the life I already have. That may never come along, and that’s ok.

I do have a daughter though, so I still have a personal relationship that is extremely meaningful to me. Spending my spare time doing stuff with her is pretty damn fulfilling.

Click to shrink...

This is pretty close to my situation as well. Good advice for sure.

 

[Nothing Loud]

All the advice here is good. I may have something else to offer. If you want to improve your day-to-day emotions, make better decisions, and enhance your potential as a relationship partner: You may benefit from learning some psychotherapy-based skills on interpersonal effectiveness and emotional regulation from Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT). It’s my favorite therapy modality for learning how to communicate, love, and coexist with others effectively and maturely. Every therapist I’ve talked to considers it a godsend and something that should be taught in grade school, and I agree. I’ve been learning it the last year for myself in therapy as it’s an effective psychotherapy for mood and personality disorders, and as such it’s been very helpful on me (major depressive disorder + complex ptsd + adhd + generalized anxiety disorder) in learning how to be a better lover and partner. In fact it’s crucial to my life, as I have multiple lovers and am polyamorous, open and married. Perhaps you could benefit from it too? It was invented by renowned psychologist Marsha Linehan and you can buy the skills workbook from Amazon and learn the principles yourself, find a DBT therapist, or take a DBT skills group class.

 

[CarpeDeezNutz]

no..no one is really pressuring me..but I do see all my friends in happy relationships/marriages with kids and fear I am missing out on something wonderful.

Click to shrink...

You are only seeing what they choose to post. I got a wife and three kids, I love them to death but they can be a pain in the ass. Kids are needy and clumsy, we go on trips I can’t really have fun I got to watch them and make sure they don’t hurt themselves.

 

[MushroomSamba]

maybe I am just feeling social pressure then. But being lonely really sucks.

Click to shrink...

Yeah, I'm seeing now from your post and others in this thread that I completely overlooked to societal pressure of it. But still, hopefully you don't let external pressure dictate your own mood and perception of yourself too much (easier said than done, I know). I just feel like we only have so much time on this planet, and there's so much amazing things to explore - more than our time will allow us to see - that it's kind of a waste getting too dragged down by just focusing on what you're missing out on from not having a partner. I feel like relationships have pros and cons just like being single has its pros and cons. I just try to focus on the pros regardless of which current situation I'm in. If you're single, cool, enjoy the advantages of being single. If you're in a relationship, cool, enjoy the advantages of being in a relationship.

 

[Desi]

well 35% of americans will never marry. So don't feel alone OP. I know i think about it all the time. Shit sometimes I think I should have just married my ex and lived spiteful.

 

[Tokyo_Funk]

no..no one is really pressuring me..but I do see all my friends in happy relationships/marriages with kids and fear I am missing out on something wonderful.

Click to shrink...

Oh don't you worry dude, I see all the relationship gloat posts the "look we're having another kid" and the "look how happy we are, aren't we so happy, pay attention to our happiness" posts all the time in my social feed. Never feel that this is some sort of bar for happiness that you should look for.

I can tell you my step sister does this and the reality is she is miserable, but puts on a show.

 

[sven]

I gave up in my early 20’s. I’m going to be alone forever.

 

[Rob]

I'm in the same boat. I'm 37, but I've pretty much accepted the fact that I won't find that other half. None of the dating apps have helped. I barely match with anyone, and if I do it goes nowhere after that. I've started working out again to help with my depression and to lose some weight and maybe boost my self-confidence, but it's not boosting it a ton.

 

[Musubi]

no..no one is really pressuring me..but I do see all my friends in happy relationships/marriages with kids and fear I am missing out on something wonderful.

Click to shrink...

Here is the question you have to ask yourself. Are you actually lonely and feel like you need companionship or do you just feel like this is something you SHOULD do? Because its totally okay to be single and being okay with being single is something that a lot of people have struggles with because they do see people around them in relationships. Now if you truly do feel like you need that romantic partnership in your life just remember that you can fall in love at any age so if its something you really do want keep pursuing it being 40 these days means fuck-all.

 

[NarohDethan]

Me neither and that's ok. Single people are cooler 8)

In all seriousness, learning to be content with oneself is also something one has to learn. I'm pretty comfortable by myself.

 

[Nothing Loud]

maybe I am just feeling social pressure then. But being lonely really sucks.

Click to shrink...

there are pros and cons to being single, monogamous, or polyamorous. I’ve been all three. Try not to envy others’ relationships, you only see a sliver of the pie. It’s extremely embarrassing to show couples conflict in front of others so you usually only see couples’ best selves.

There are lots of cool things you can do while you’re single that you can’t when you’re taken. Try to focus on that, pass the time, and practice “radical acceptance” from DBT about your singleness right now, so that you can continue in the moment until you eventually do find someone. And you will: if that’s what you want, it can happen. You just haven’t met the right person for you in the right moment in time yet!

I had my first relationship at 25 and lost my virginity to him, my first love and married him years later. The week before I met him, I was convinced I would die single and alone. I may not be 41 but you get the idea: you never know what happens next in life. Gotta keep moving forward but mindfully in the present moment.

 

[NESpowerhouse]

I'm fine with being single overall but I'm a little bummed out feeling that I may be missing out on an essential part of the human experience.

 

[MobileSuitReactor]

Maybe it's just your location? Locally I haven't had much luck or it's usually one sided where idk I'm just not on the same wavelength with people here. When I go abroad and hang out with friends or go to some conference, I'll meet at least one person through a friend or an event.

Sadly I just have a lot of home obligations but I'd probably be married if they let me transfer to one of the overseas offices.

 

[Dis]

I just wanted to say not to give up on finding the right person. I'm also on the spectrum and I couldn't find anyone and actually didn't plan on it for 25 years of my life and then I became friends with a girl online. After 3 years of talking as friends, At first a few times a week and eventually every day, I asked her if she wanted to meet and 5 years later we are happily married. I've never met anyone more perfect for me and she says the same about me for her. We got married last year and despite the long distance sucking a lot while we dated before marriage and sorting her visa we are so happy together. I hope you can find someone right for you OP. As someone who never planned or expected to, finding that person sometimes just happens and hopefully it will for you too.

 

[Tahnit]

All the advice here is good. I may have something else to offer. If you want to improve your day-to-day emotions, make better decisions, and enhance your potential as a relationship partner: You may benefit from learning some psychotherapy-based skills on interpersonal effectiveness and emotional regulation from Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT). It’s my favorite therapy modality for learning how to communicate, love, and coexist with others effectively and maturely. Every therapist I’ve talked to considers it a godsend and something that should be taught in grade school, and I agree. I’ve been learning it the last year for myself in therapy as it’s an effective psychotherapy for mood and personality disorders, and as such it’s been very helpful on me (major depressive disorder + complex ptsd + adhd + generalized anxiety disorder) in learning how to be a better lover and partner. In fact it’s crucial to my life, as I have multiple lovers and am polyamorous, open and married. Perhaps you could benefit from it too? It was invented by renowned psychologist Marsha Linehan and you can buy the skills workbook from Amazon and learn the principles yourself, find a DBT therapist, or take a DBT skills group class.

Click to shrink...

I may have to look into therapy in my area that uses this. Thanks.

 

[Nude_Tayne]

Oh don't you worry dude, I see all the relationship gloat posts the "look we're having another kid" and the "look how happy we are, aren't we so happy, pay attention to our happiness" posts all the time in my social feed. Never feel that this is some sort of bar for happiness that you should look for.

I can tell you my step sister does this and the reality is she is miserable, but puts on a show.

Click to shrink...

Yeah, my friend has three young boys and you might think from her social media posts that they all just sit around enjoying playtime and doing puzzles and going to the park and shit. She's so physically drained and tired that she thinks there may be something seriously medically wrong with her, when it's probably just the immense stress and lack of sleep. I'm sure having one kid is significantly easier than having three though, especially when they're infants/toddlers.

I'm in the same boat as you OP, although I've had different circumstances along the way. I imagine I'm probably slightly on the spectrum, and have always had problems meeting and connecting with people, and I'm close to your age and single as well. I've never had a romantic life though. If it's not my social problems or depression, it's the endless drama and problems and chaos in my family dragging me down and I just never feel like I have the mental/emotional bandwidth to handle meeting new people and trying to build relationships, let alone shit like online dating which just looks like an absolute fucking nightmare. I think I'm currently going through a phase of acceptance right now...not totally there yet...but after years of fantasizing and hoping that something will "just happen" I'm coming to terms with the fact that likely nothing ever will. So, whatever.

My parents I'm sure are sad that they will likely never get grandkids (my sisters probably never will to for their own myriad of reasons). But they have the decency to never say anything about it because, I guess, they know.

 

[Rhennik]

The best thing you (or anyone!) can do is learn how to find peace and fulfillment apart from any circumstantial factors. Much easier said than done obviously, and I'm certainly far from having achieved it myself, but the good news is it's not a binary "either or" thing. Which is to say, if you work at it, you can and will find more peace and more fulfillment within yourself, even if you never get to the point where your mental health is completely detached from outside factors

Buddhism is the only philosophy that has ever truly helped me cultivate those skills, so if you don't know where to start, I highly recommend checking some Buddhist teachings out. Even the secular version (which is what I subscribe to) is a true treasure-trove of wisdom on how YOU can be in control of your emotions and thoughts instead of the other way around

You, Tahnit, are the only constant in your own life. That always has been true and always will be true—even if you someday find your partner. So it makes sense to invest your time and energy there, since that will have the biggest payoff (including the byproduct of making you a more attractive candidate to others, because having your emotional shit together is sexy af)

All that said man, whatever you do, don't let your mind deceive you into thinking you've failed or are inherently undesirable or any of the other many lies the brain tells itself when trying to process something like perpetual loneliness. It's a painful, unproductive exercise in self-flagellation, and you don't deserve that

Best of luck to you <3

 

[Tahnit]

All of this is great advice and I really appreciate it. My biggest problem is change of routine.

See as someone with aspergers I get comfortable in a routine and its HARD AS FUCK to change out of that. I just moved out to my own place after not being able to afford it for the longest time and I am having a hard time coping with the change of being alone. Ive pretty much lived with people my entire life. Ive been here for 2 weeks and im not fully unpacked or set up yet because its hard to get me to change my routine. So all that stuff about improving my life...i would have to change the routine and thats very hard for me to do. Its something I have struggled with my entire life. I cant just do something different altogether because it makes me uncomfortable. Which leads to me not improving my life, which leads to me being lonely. its a destructive vicious cycle and im not sure how to get out of it.

 

[TaySan]

I’m 28 with mild autism/aspergers and I made peace with the fact I’m probably not going to find a partner in life. :(

edit whoops 28 lol

 

[Atom Heart Mother]

I'm 25, not the spectrum but I've simply never tried. Kinda assume if I haven't tried this far in life I probably won't have any good luck later. No big deal.

 

[turtle553]

Love on the Spectrum - Wikipedia

en.m.wikipedia.org

This show talks about this issue and might be able to give you some hope.

 

[Messofanego]

So I'm 41 years old and never been married. I am also on the spectrum with aspersers so I am starting to think this is a major factor of why I cant seem to find anyone. The whole thing has me really depressed because I cant seem to find my life partner and I'm in my 40's. Some would call that pretty pathetic.

I wasn't sure I should even bring this up but this community seems pretty welcome to all groups of people so I thought what the hell why not.

I've tried dating apps and met some people and had some fun sure but it usually ended up falling apart pretty quickly. Longest relationship I had was 3 years and that ended up terribly as she wouldn't put forth any effort into the relationship financially or otherwise.

My whole romantic life has just been a mess since always and I'm not really sure what to do at this point. I'm starting to think that I am probably going to end up single my entire life.

I didn't go out much before and now because of COVID I really don't go out for obvious reasons. I have some close friends but not a group that I would hang out with very often. I have a decent job as a government contractor but I don't see any options there either.

It just feels like its not in the cards for me and that is really starting to get me down. I have a feeling that my Aspergers is preventing me from really connecting with anyone long term like a normal person would.

I'm not suicidal or anything I guess I am just drunk on cinco de mayo and asking advice because the whole thing is just causing me to be depressed.

Totally expecting some ridicule and I guess I'm ok with that so here goes.

Click to shrink...

You say you won't end up in a long term relationship because of Asperger's and yet you managed to be with someone for 3 years. That relationship didn't end because of your condition but because of the other person not putting in the effort. So I don't think your condition is holding you back. Just sounds you've been unlucky, and we all go through those phases. I wouldn't necessarily worry about age, people end up with a life partner at any age. From 17 to 70. I believe you can do it, just need to keep persevering!

 

[Rhomega]

i'm 35 and passing. I value my free time too much, and I'm afraid of intimacy.

 

[Kingpin Rogers]

I think people are being too harsh on themselves when they say they think they won't find anyone.

There are so many people in this world I find it hard to believe anyone could not find someone else who's willing to be with them and accept them.

 

[Chaos2Frozen]

I'm mostly fine now but even I occasionally wonder and have that feeling of loneliness at night or in the morning.

 

[Deleted member 8118]

There's a lot I want to say, but I'm afraid it's likely been said in the posts above.

Don't be hard on yourself. There's plenty other people in your shoes. Don't feel bad, dating has been, at least from what I've experienced and have seen from others, a pretty strange frontier over the past couple years. Keep trying.

I'm not on the spectrum, but I do have a behavioral disorder in the form of OCD. Dating is hard for me, not impossible, but I've never ruled out finding that one person for me. There's so many others out there.