Starting to feel like im not ever gonna find my life partner.

HBC_XL · May 5, 2021

Try to approach it as building a life you want and being open to sharing that life with someone when you both feel that connection.
I'm 38, was married and have been divorced just as long now. Been dating and taking breaks since. Until my divorce I had bevse lived solo. I tried to make accommodations for ever relationship that seemed like it might go somewhere, and I can tell you it's best to just be happy with your successes and approach a relationship as an additive to that. Someone gets to be with you as much as you get to be with someone.
If it's something you want I hope it finds you. You sound like you have a great attitude and are doing well for yourself. Someone will be that lucky person some day.

Amnesty · May 5, 2021

Tahnit said:
So I'm 41 years old and never been married. I am also on the spectrum with aspersers so I am starting to think this is a major factor of why I cant seem to find anyone. The whole thing has me really depressed because I cant seem to find my life partner and I'm in my 40's. Some would call that pretty pathetic.

I wasn't sure I should even bring this up but this community seems pretty welcome to all groups of people so I thought what the hell why not.

I've tried dating apps and met some people and had some fun sure but it usually ended up falling apart pretty quickly. Longest relationship I had was 3 years and that ended up terribly as she wouldn't put forth any effort into the relationship financially or otherwise.

My whole romantic life has just been a mess since always and I'm not really sure what to do at this point. I'm starting to think that I am probably going to end up single my entire life.

I didn't go out much before and now because of COVID I really don't go out for obvious reasons. I have some close friends but not a group that I would hang out with very often. I have a decent job as a government contractor but I don't see any options there either.

It just feels like its not in the cards for me and that is really starting to get me down. I have a feeling that my Aspergers is preventing me from really connecting with anyone long term like a normal person would.

I'm not suicidal or anything I guess I am just drunk on cinco de mayo and asking advice because the whole thing is just causing me to be depressed.

Totally expecting some ridicule and I guess I'm ok with that so here goes.

It's very tough at times, being neurodivergent and trying to find connections in friendship or love. So don't feel like you're doing anything wrong just for being who you are in that way. I wouldn't worry about thinking of yourself as pathetic or not - relationships don't really have anything to do with that.

All you can really do is keep trying to get yourself out there in various ways, whether it's to continue dating or trying out activities or putting yourself into places like work or volunteering where you can meet people. Just showing up is like 75% of success in life.

JasonMCG · May 5, 2021

Nali said:
Nobody's worth any more or less as a person because of their dating status, no matter what kind of importance society tries to attach to it.

I don't think that's the point. For many people, life is better shared with a loved one.

The Real Abed · May 5, 2021

I'm pretty much identical to your entire OP. Except that while I used dating apps, I never met anyone because I always ended up getting ghosted partway into any conversations I was having so I gave up.

I'm also 41 and on the spectrum with Asbergers. I'm also very self aware so I know what I look like to other people even if I can't help it. I know I come off rude and I don't mean it. I'm really awkward with new people. I have to meet them in just the right way I think. I'd love to get out there and meet people but now because of COVID it's not like I can just go to a bar every night anymore.

I also just moved out of a place I had with some friends into my parents house 700 miles south to start a new life. I left a job that I was really beginning to loathe but was making more than 40 hours a week with nice fat paychecks and I wonder if that was the right choice. I mean I hated the job and was growing more and more stressed and hateful of it every day, but it was a job, it was steady, it brought in nice big paychecks. But it was also in a supermarket and the only reason I was making money was because I'd been there for 11 years. So I guess it's best that I left?

I've had girlfriends. A couple. But they never last much more than a year.

My most recent was off and on for a while. After we broke up we remained friends. She was an addict though and I think she saw me as an escape from her mother so she could keep using without pressure. And I realize this. But I feel I used my lonliness as an excuse to keep her around even though she was hurting herself. So it's best we broke up. She went back to her mom. She got a place of her own. And after a few more missteps she now seems to be doing well. For a while after she left we stayed friends, hung out all the time, hooked up occasionally. But then one day we stopped communicating. But we always blamed it on the terrible cell service where she lived. When I left I tried to see her one last time to say goodbye but she never replied to my messages. And because of the situation I can't be sure if it was because she didn't get the messages or she was ignoring them. Who knows. Maybe she has a boyfriend now. Time to let go either way.

But I also left behind a woman I was interested in, but she's married, planning on getting divorced, but hasn't yet. She keeps saying she wants to get a place of her own after she leaves her husband and she wants me to move back up there to stay with her. But of course she hasn't gone through with it. While I'm sure I'm better off where I am now, I wont lie and say I wouldn't consider it if it's a sure thing. Just so I'm not alone.

I also haven't even gotten a job yet down here. Because I have a lot of money saved up. And I think subconsciously I know I haven't tied up all my loose ends back home yet. And I know that if I get a job and a place down here it'll mean my life back home is completely over. I guess I don't want to let go even if it's the most important thing.

Stanng243 · May 6, 2021

Don't feel bad op. I gave up a decade ago and accepted the fact that I'm going to die alone and unwanted.

Nothing Loud · May 6, 2021

Tahnit said:
All of this is great advice and I really appreciate it. My biggest problem is change of routine.

See as someone with aspergers I get comfortable in a routine and its HARD AS FUCK to change out of that. I just moved out to my own place after not being able to afford it for the longest time and I am having a hard time coping with the change of being alone. Ive pretty much lived with people my entire life. Ive been here for 2 weeks and im not fully unpacked or set up yet because its hard to get me to change my routine. So all that stuff about improving my life...i would have to change the routine and thats very hard for me to do. Its something I have struggled with my entire life. I cant just do something different altogether because it makes me uncomfortable. Which leads to me not improving my life, which leads to me being lonely. its a destructive vicious cycle and im not sure how to get out of it.

Habits take a long time to develop. You’ve been who you are for decades. Replacing old habits with new ones takes tremendous practice and consistent commitment that may take years. Be kind to yourself: you’re doing your best and that’s the best that can happen. Maybe try little disruptions to your routine at first, like unpacking just one box. Dont put any expectations on yourself except to do that one box. Then another day, open another box. Do this several times before moving on to progressively more change at once.

Nelo Ice · May 6, 2021

I can’t even secure a date. It’s never been for lack of trying but I never even get an opportunity to take an L. So I feel your pain OP. Also doesn’t help I’m sometimes the butt of jokes cuz I’m always alone.

Wackamole · May 6, 2021

It’s a shame. People are missing out. There aren’t more faithful, reliable, honest and interesting people in the world than people on the spectrum.

JoJo'sDentCo · May 6, 2021

Tahnit said:
no..no one is really pressuring me..but I do see all my friends in happy relationships/marriages with kids and fear I am missing out on something wonderful.

You can be just as happy and fulfilled being a single person. Hang in there and enjoy your life as best as you possibly can.

Mr Swine · May 6, 2021

I’m turning 38 and I also have Aspergers but I’ve never been lucky getting a date or chatting with someone for more than a day without getting ghosted.

I’ve just accepted that I’m going to be lonely for the rest of my life. been starting to suppress my feelings for other people since I know I will never have a chance in life

Soph · May 6, 2021

Wackamole said:
It’s a shame. People are missing out. There aren’t more faithful, reliable, honest and interesting people in the world than people on the spectrum.

On dating apps you see it all the time, prospective partners want honesty.. except they rarely ever actually do.

Anyway to address the OP, I'm almost 32 and never had a relation in my life. Let's make a club yeah?

Wackamole · May 6, 2021

Soph said:
On dating apps you see it all the time, prospective partners want honesty.. except they rarely ever actually do.

Anyway to address the OP, I'm almost 32 and never had a relation in my life. Let's make a club yeah?

Yeah and it’s often a one way street. People suck.
Isn’t there an app for people on the spectrum? Maybe someone should make one.
Edit: or not.. maybe it’s a bad idea.

jb1234 · May 6, 2021

Wackamole said:
Yeah and it’s often a one way street. People suck.
Isn’t there an app for people on the spectrum? Maybe someone should make one.
Edit: or not.. maybe it’s a bad idea.

There have been a couple but they usually don't last, for a variety of reasons.

Wackamole · May 6, 2021

jb1234 said:
There have been a couple but they usually don't last, for a variety of reasons.

Yeah the more i think of it the more i think it’s not a good idea. People on the spectrum shouldn’t lump together like some special group. They should be a welcome and integrated part of any society and relationship. Plus people are often looking for someone a bit different than themselves.

signal · May 6, 2021

Can be unfortunate, but it's good that it's not an overly negative thing you are focussed on all the time. Just find companionship with Avalokiteśvara. Who needs people.

John Kowalski · May 6, 2021

I'm kind of envious of those people who seem to always have someone and who spend years and years and years with the same person. I've had friends who just don't know what it's like to be single.

I don't know if i could take it but i'd like to try it.

Sanka · May 6, 2021

No two people are completely alike but would a relationship between two neurodiverse partners be easier?

Also society made a mistake by instilling in us this idea of life long partners. To me its a silly idea.

Vaser · May 6, 2021

NESpowerhouse said:
I'm fine with being single overall but I'm a little bummed out feeling that I may be missing out on an essential part of the human experience.

Stanng243 said:
Don't feel bad op. I gave up a decade ago and accepted the fact that I'm going to die alone and unwanted.

Nelo Ice said:
I can’t even secure a date. It’s never been for lack of trying but I never even get an opportunity to take an L. So I feel your pain OP. Also doesn’t help I’m sometimes the butt of jokes cuz I’m always alone.

Mr Swine said:
I’m turning 38 and I also have Aspergers but I’ve never been lucky getting a date or chatting with someone for more than a day without getting ghosted.

I’ve just accepted that I’m going to be lonely for the rest of my life. been starting to suppress my feelings for other people since I know I will never have a chance in life

Soph said:
On dating apps you see it all the time, prospective partners want honesty.. except they rarely ever actually do.

Anyway to address the OP, I'm almost 32 and never had a relation in my life. Let's make a club yeah?

Poor bastards... I don't know about you guys, but the worst part for me is having a ridiculously high sex drive and not being able to even go on a date with someone.

Soph · May 6, 2021

Vaser said:
Poor bastards... I don't know about you guys, but the worst part for me is having a ridiculously high sex drive and not being able to even go on a date with someone.

No need to feel for me buddy, I don't really count sex as a relationship.

SwampBastard · May 6, 2021

If it makes you feel any better, OP, my wife's stepmother was a few years older than you before getting married for the first time and she and my father-in-law have been happily married for more than 20 years.

Mr Swine · May 6, 2021

Vaser said:
Poor bastards... I don't know about you guys, but the worst part for me is having a ridiculously high sex drive and not being able to even go on a date with someone.

we’ll get ready for your sex drive to diminish over the years and eventually have almost no sex drive left 🥲

Vaser · May 6, 2021

Soph said:
No need to feel for me buddy, I don't really count sex as a relationship.

Hey, fuck you man, I'd love to have your problem :D

EarlGreyHot · May 6, 2021

My wife has Aspergers and while it can be a challenge it doesn't have to be a barrier at all.

Together 14 years and married 9. Don't give up!

Vaser · May 6, 2021

Mr Swine said:
we’ll get ready for your sex drive to diminish over the years and eventually have almost no sex drive left 🥲

Well, at least then I wouldn't think about women so much. I'd be kinda liberating tbh.

eXistor · May 6, 2021

I've been alone (not lonely) for all my life, never had a partner and I'd like to keep it that way. I never had the urge to start a family and all that. I thrive being alone, I look at others and recoil of the thought of maintaining a family and everything that goes along with it. I realize I am missing out on a lot of things, but on the other hand, I am my own man and I can do what I want and that suits me perfectly.

Learn to love yourself is what I'd give as advice.

LanceX2 · May 6, 2021

plenty of people get marriee inn40s and way beyond.

odds are in youe favor

Heroicpiglet · May 6, 2021

Being single is much better

魑魅魍魎 · May 6, 2021

Heroicpiglet said:
Being single is much better

For some people sure, but for someone who has never been in a relationship not really.

Tron1 · May 6, 2021

Don’t live your life off of labels and expectations of others. You have to allow for things to happen when and how they are supposed to. For example my wife’s former boss had never married and had no kids. He found the love of his life in his sixties. They are living the dream life. What I would suggest is focus on yourself. And when that partner does happen for you enjoy every minute of it even the bad times.

DogFace! · May 6, 2021

Me too, im 35, never married, dated a lot but im SO sick of this. Super single for 11 years.

Fliesen · May 6, 2021

Tahnit said:
So I'm 41 years old and never been married. I am also on the spectrum with aspersers so I am starting to think this is a major factor of why I cant seem to find anyone.

It might

Tahnit said:
I cant seem to find my life partner and I'm in my 40's. Some would call that pretty pathetic.

It isn't

You're putting yourself out there, you're seeing some success. I wouldn't throw in the towel, just because your romantic life isn't following some kind of socially accepted timetable.

Unaha-Closp · May 6, 2021

I've been single for, checks internal memory notes, 22 years or so. The odd tangle here or there but nothing that approached Life Partner. Just turned 45. Only worry I have going forward is just selfish help me I am old and can't reach the phone - otherwise happy being single. I never bought into the whole life partner thing but it does work for lots of people. Self-love and self-care OP. You are important to you.

Jombie · May 6, 2021

Relationships are overrated.

Wackamole · May 6, 2021

Jombie said:
Relationships are overrated.

A lot are. But the good ones are absolutely well worth it, in my humble opinion.

kirby_fox · May 6, 2021

Honestly OP, you're doing better than me. I've not had a real date in over a decade. Longest relationship is 3 months. I don't get matches on dating apps. You're still meeting people and having fun, then keep doing it. You never know what tomorrow brings, and that's the hope I've got. And if not then that's OK too. Life is sometimes about having fun how you can.

CatAssTrophy · May 6, 2021

There are a lot of hard conversations around relationships and single life that need to be worked through I think for people to get a good understanding of each other. Everyone's different and there are a bazillion factors that contribute to the situation we all find ourselves in and whether or not it works for us.

It's okay for us to feel like the single life is awesome and like it's better than being in a relationship, but at the same time we should be respectful of those that prefer relationships and want/need a partner. Same for the flip flop.

It can be particularly hard for folks that have "had it all" and then lost it. Trying to tell them they're wrong for wanting to regain that life they had before is the wrong way to go about it. I had a good paying job, a house, and a wife. Lost it all in a years time when our marriage fell apart. I've decided that I want a copilot, and at 36 I still "have time" to find someone without kids etc. to potentially recruit. Once we start getting into our 40's and 50's our lives are WAY more likely to be "set in stone" in a lot of ways, so it's absolutely a tough sell for some people to change aspects of their life to make room for a life partner.

I don't envy OP but I do sympathize and empathize and hope them the best in their search. I'd also add that a few years ago I dated someone that was 40 and she was fun, exciting, and also a legit babe. Numbers DO mean things, but they don't always mean the things that pop-culture and society at large say they mean.

Kain-Nosgoth · May 6, 2021

I'm on the same boat, i'm 33, on the spectrum and i've only been in two relationship, both only lasted a month.... and that was 7 years ago.. os at least you're doing better than me on that front

I'm not giving up, and if i found someone i'm intersted in i'll try something... but i'm pretty sure i'll spend my life alone and i made my peace with it at this point, and i don't overly try all the time now! Dating apps don't work for me, i never get matches... i need to go live elsewhere

The last thing that would really help me is moving to a big city where i'm way more likely to find people i can hang out with (same type of mindset or interests)... But i can't just move like that, i need to find a job there first and that's a whoooole other problem cause i'm really not good at this either + i'm pretty secure financially where i live so i would have to give up all that too

Call Me Jeff · May 6, 2021

College destroyed me because it made me realize that my anxiety wasn't just a part of awkward adolescence that I'd grow out of; it was genuinely just a massive part of my personality that wasn't going away any time soon. Made pretty much no long-term friends or connections during the period so many other people see as life-defining. There's a pretty damn good chance I'll never get married/have children, something I couldn't fathom being a possibility when I was in HS.

Graduated and 24 now. Can't say I'm over it, but having money and not being cramped in a closet-sized dorm helps.

Nude_Tayne · May 6, 2021

Call Me Jeff said:
College destroyed me because it made me realize that my anxiety wasn't just a part of awkward adolescence that I'd grow out of; it was genuinely just a massive part of my personality that wasn't going away any time soon. Made pretty much no long-term friends or connections during the period so many other people see as life-defining. There's a pretty damn good chance I'll never get married/have children, something I couldn't fathom being a possibility when I was in HS.

Graduated and 24 now. Can't say I'm over it, but having money and not being cramped in a closet-sized dorm helps.

I can definitely relate to this entirely, although replace 'anxiety' with social anxiety and an overall difficulty connecting with people. College definitely did not do for me what I was told it would.

Ravelle · May 6, 2021

35 years old and never had a relationship. I'm not the person that goes looking for it but nothing has crossed my paths either.

I spent most of my youth on a technical school which was all guys and never really was a clubbing kinda guy to meet new people, I always go out just to hang with friends.

Booshka · May 6, 2021

I was obese and depressed for the majority of my 20's, didn't even bother trying to pursue dating let alone relationships. But after my mom had a stroke and I saw how badly my health was affecting me, I made changes to my diet and exercise routines. Lost some weight and pursued certification as a nursing assistant, CNA's can always find full time employment, literally anywhere, and I was appreciated and valued at my job. This boosted my confidence, along with continuing to lose weight and look better, and feel better in my body.

I started to date via online apps and had some failures here and there, but eventually met my now wife via Tinder of all platforms. I spent over a decade depressed and obese, with no job nor educational prospects, but within about 18 months I was dating and in a steady relationship. I wouldn't be so down OP, you can find someone to be with, even at your age, there are always people that have a similar life course, or have been struggling with relationships, and there are plenty of people that will be empathic and compassionate toward you. Especially women, they are remarkably caring and understanding, you just gotta break through and find some that you gel with.

For the people attempting to downplay the importance and benefits of long term relationships, the data does not support their position. It's a protective factor for mortality and morbidity to be in a loving relationship with a partner, so the chase is always worth it if you are willing to be pursue and be in relationship.

Starting to feel like im not ever gonna find my life partner.

One Winged Slayer