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Tell me your favorite joke, ERA?

Caspah

The Fallen
Oct 27, 2017
3,061
Graveyard in Boston
Long story short, I flew to a nearby town for a client meeting that's this afternoon. The time was changed which has resulted in me hanging out at an airport lounge for the next 4 hours with nothing but my laptop, and my wits to get me through until I need to head to their offices.

I'd considered going to see a movie or something, but the showtimes at the theater near their office didn't line up.

So, ERA, what's your favorite joke?
 

sph3re

Avenger
Oct 28, 2017
4,692
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies "I think not!" POOF! The horse disappears.

This is the point in time when all the philosophy majors on Era would start to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or "I think, therefore, I am."

But to explain the concept aforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
 

iapetus

Member
Oct 26, 2017
1,288
I honestly can't choose between two.

Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?

There was nothing left but debris.

Two strings walk into a bar. The first one says "I'll have a pint of lager and a packet of crisps please.ease.e..ghuah894g*($ gh9 97 $ g 7F ui piug 6q63r6683 OSCLIOSCLIOSCLI!89%*& g uoF (^%^65%^87867 r67 FF fi h auh su agw86f 680fw 78 7g7 awf7h 8[ whcbjvgjkzsti hhoh 78t6 6747 7453563vlll..;'';j'[]l';'lguae49agg 9aeugujp]i-0ii-0] hag[8eh]0g ]e0 9]u u9 u]9j9p "

"You'll have to excuse my friend," says the second string. "He's not null-terminated."
 
Oct 25, 2017
12,551
Sweden
it was a quiet day at the hospital (this was before the tories starved out the NHS). with nothing better to do, the cleaning staff and nurses had gathered around a sticky stain on the floor

"could it be?" "surely not?" "that's just disgusting"

the doctor joined the conversation to see what was causing everyone to slack off

one of the nurses asked what they had all been thinking: "is that cum?"

"hm", the doctor said, while sticking his index finger in the puddle

the doctor brought it to his mouth and licked it

after tasting it for a good while, he was ready to share his verdict. "it is indeed cum", he said, "but not from any of the patients on this floor"
 

adj_noun

Avenger
Oct 25, 2017
8,360
Not a joke so much as an interesting news item of the day: in the vein of the Expendables, they're making an action movie based on, of all things, time traveling classical composers who team up to fight evil.

Stallone's been signed on to play Mozart and it's rumored they want the Rock to play Beethoven.

The producers were trying to get Schwarzenegger to agree to show up for ages. They were throwing every perk they could think of at him, even offering him any part he wanted as long as he'd say yes.

Finally Arnie got back to 'em and said, "I'll be Bach."
 

sph3re

Avenger
Oct 28, 2017
4,692
it was a quiet day at the hospital (this was before the tories starved out the NHS). with nothing better to do, the cleaning staff and nurses had gathered around a sticky stain on the floor

"could it be?" "surely not?" "that's just disgusting"

the doctor joined the conversation to see what was causing everyone to slack off

one of the nurses asked what they had all been thinking: "is that cum?"

"hm", the doctor said, while sticking his index finger in the puddle

the doctor brought it to his mouth and licked it

after tasting it for a good while, he was ready to share his verdict. "it is indeed cum", he said, "but not from any of the patients on this floor"
Oh my god, lmao
 

Platy

Member
Oct 25, 2017
13,761
Brazil
my favorite jokes relies on pun that don't work in english

my favorite joke in english is

"Mickey Mouse, it says here you want to divorce Minnie because she was... extremely silly?"
"No, I said, she was fucking Goofy!"
 

srhltmr

User Requested Ban
Banned
Oct 27, 2017
1,294
Texas
it was a quiet day at the hospital (this was before the tories starved out the NHS). with nothing better to do, the cleaning staff and nurses had gathered around a sticky stain on the floor

"could it be?" "surely not?" "that's just disgusting"

the doctor joined the conversation to see what was causing everyone to slack off

one of the nurses asked what they had all been thinking: "is that cum?"

"hm", the doctor said, while sticking his index finger in the puddle

the doctor brought it to his mouth and licked it

after tasting it for a good while, he was ready to share his verdict. "it is indeed cum", he said, "but not from any of the patients on this floor"
That is top notch crude humor.

I have plenty like that. Not going to share. ;)
 

TheBaldwin

Member
Feb 25, 2018
3,897
An out of work pianist with Tourettes Syndrome is strolling around the streets and bars of Soho one unemployed afternoon. Walking down Dean Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window 'Pianist wanted for evening performances'.

'Fucking get in there you cunt!' he says to himself and goes to the bar. 'Get the fucking manager of this pigs shit middle class wankhole please you cunt', he says to a somewhat startled barman. The barman however obliges and his manager comes upstairs. 'Can I help you sir?' he says

'Yes you can you fat piece of shit, I saw your poxy advert in the cunting window and I'm here to audition.....wanker.'

The manager is naturally put off by the man's abrasive manner but his dire need for a top class pianist forces him to agree to an audition. The first tune the Pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too involving, yet utterly melodic. At the end the thrilled barman cries, 'Wonderful, wonderful.
What was that called?' 'That song, you big nosed twat, was called "Excuse me prime minister but I just jizzed in your daughter's eye, and now the cunts blind...'

'Oh' says the manager 'err, can you play me another. Something a little less "lively".

'Wanker..' interjects the pianist before launching into a powerful ballad which leaves the manager in tears. The manager through his salty teardrops asks him the title. 'That little number was called "Sometimes when you do a bird up the shitbox you get crap on your bell end.'

'I see' says the manager, 'Have you got any songs with less offensive titles?' 'Well there's my jazz number "Do you want me to split your ringpiece", or there's the epic "I don't care if you're older my dear, you've still got nice jugs".

'Look' says the manager interrupting, 'I think you're a superb pianist but the title of your songs are a little "racy". I will hire you on the condition that you do not introduce your songs or speak to the audience.'

'Fuck it' says the pianist 'Why not'.

On his first night everything is going superbly the crowd are lapping up his repertoire and his silence is being perceived as modesty. The only thing putting off the pianist is that in the front row there is a gorgeous blonde in a black evening dress with a split up the side revealing the tops of her stockings, and a plunging neckline which boasts a proud and inviting cleavage. During the interval the pianist has got such a stonking hard on that he decides to go to the bog and knock one out. Just as he has shot his muck he hears himself being re-introduced over the tannoy, so he rushes back to the stage and finishes his act. After the show he is at the bar relaxing when the blonde approaches him. 'Hi' she says. 'Hello' he winces, struggling to hold in the expletives. She leans over and whispers in his ear, 'Do you know your cock is hanging out of your trousers, and spunk is dribbling onto your shoes?'

'Know it?' says the pianist putting his beer on the bar confidently, 'I fucking wrote it!!!
 

RellikSK

Member
Nov 1, 2017
1,347
User Banned (1 Month): Joking and making light of paedophilia and sexual assault is not acceptable.
I think we're all adults here. Maybe spoiler tag it just in case.
Fuck it.

What do you do after you licked the softest, sweetest and freshest pussy in the world?
Put it back in the crib.
 

chandoog

Member
Oct 27, 2017
11,485
it was a quiet day at the hospital (this was before the tories starved out the NHS). with nothing better to do, the cleaning staff and nurses had gathered around a sticky stain on the floor

"could it be?" "surely not?" "that's just disgusting"

the doctor joined the conversation to see what was causing everyone to slack off

one of the nurses asked what they had all been thinking: "is that cum?"

"hm", the doctor said, while sticking his index finger in the puddle

the doctor brought it to his mouth and licked it

after tasting it for a good while, he was ready to share his verdict. "it is indeed cum", he said, "but not from any of the patients on this floor"

I don't understand this .. can someone please clarify what the 'zinger' is ?
 

shnurgleton

Member
Oct 27, 2017
10,242
Boston
There are three people of different nationalities

The first person makes a banal remark

The second person makes a different but also banal remark

The third person says something unusual and shocking but fitting if you consider the preconceptions around people of his or her nationality
 

Betty

The Fallen
Oct 25, 2017
8,214
What did one breast say to the other breast?

"Don't hang so low, or they'll think we're nuts!"
 

d9b

Member
Oct 27, 2017
1,652
Trump and Putin walked into the press conference...
Trump: "I believe Putin."
 

Landy828

Member
Oct 26, 2017
5,047
Clemson, SC
I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.

-

Dyslexic man walks into a bra

-

There's two fish in a tank, and one says ''How do you drive this thing?

-

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. ''But why?'' they asked, as they moved off. ''because,'' he said ''I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
 

Septimus Prime

EA
Verified
Oct 25, 2017
4,304
A priest, a rabbi, and a monk walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"
 

shnurgleton

Member
Oct 27, 2017
10,242
Boston
A moth walks in to a podiatrist's office, sits down, and says "Doc, you've gotta help me. I've been working at the dealership for 25 years and just today, they laid me off."

The podiatrist says, "I'm so sorry to hear that. That must be very difficult."

"That's just the thing, doc. Things at home haven't been any better." The moth puts his head in his hands and, through sobs, continues: "My son, only 16, just died in a car accident. He'd been out with his friends and somebody must have bought alcohol for them, because he wrapped our family station wagon around a tree. He and his best friend and girlfriend were killed instantly.

"The grief was too much for my wife. When we got back from the funeral, she had her bags packed. She told me 'I don't know if I can be in this house anymore... I've been having an affair with your childhood friend Chris from the bank, and our son's death has made me realize that life is too short to not be happy.' And just like that, she was gone.

"Honestly, doc? I don't know if I can do this anymore. I want to end it all."

The podiatrist replies, "This must all be very hard for you, but why did you come see me? You should be seeing a psychiatrist, not a podiatrist."

The moth looks up, eyes swollen from tears. "The light was on."

 
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Landy828

Member
Oct 26, 2017
5,047
Clemson, SC
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

-

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: ''I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.

-

A seal walks into a club...

-

A proper dirty joke...

Give it to me! I'm so #%&! wet! Give it to me now!"
She can scream all she wants, I'm not giving her the umbrella.
 

smoothj

The Fallen
Oct 27, 2017
703
What did the deer say after leaving the gay bar?

I can't believe I blew fifty bucks in there.
 

sph3re

Avenger
Oct 28, 2017
4,692
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
Literally LOLed

My favourite line from Whose Line Is It Anyway:

"Convicted hit man Jimmy 'Two-Shoes' McClarty confessed today that he was once hired to beat a cow to death in a rice field using only two small porcelain figures. Police admit this may be the first known case of a knickknack paddy-whack."
 

Dust

Member
Oct 25, 2017
6,664
Guy finally arrives at a job inteview in a prestigious company.
"So, why do you think you are the right fit for our company?"
Guy replies, clearly annoyed.
"You are not funny, dad."
 

Creatchee

Member
Oct 26, 2017
868
Sarasota, Florida
I found out my ex-girlfriend died the other day in a tragic accident. She actually got decapitated, as horrible as that sounds. It's a real shame...
...because she gave great head.
 

DarkChronic

Member
Oct 27, 2017
2,208
A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.

Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.

Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done.

Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there’s no punchline.
 

Septimus Prime

EA
Verified
Oct 25, 2017
4,304
An orange rolls into a hardware store. The cashier says, "Hey, we have a color named after you!"

"You have a color named Steve?"
 

FloatOn

Member
Jan 24, 2018
1,282
the son whale asked the father whale one day:

"where do I come from?"

the father whale replied:

"well son, your mother and I had sex one day and she became pregnant and then you were born"

to which the son whale remarked:

"gee, thanks dad"

and the father whale repaid this bit of gratitude with:

"you're whale cum"
 

PSqueak

Member
Oct 25, 2017
12,361
Two men are chatting casually, one of them tells the other about this intense pain he's been having on his shoulder/arm, "I have no idea what's causing this and nothing i tried has cured it" he says to his friend. The friend suggests him to use this brand new machine found in the corner drugstore in their neighborhood, explaining that all he needs is a urine sample and the machine will know exactly what the problem is and how to fix it.

The man is skeptical, but he's down, so he goes to the machine and places his urine sample. *whirr wirr beep bee booop* "You have a PULLED MUSCLE. Pick up recipe and take to counter." The machine then prints the recipe and the man got a special ointment from the clerk, it works perfectly.

Some days later the man bumps into his friend again and tells him that he was amazed about how well that machine worked out for him, "Yeah, I don't know how it works, but it never fails, the machine just always knows everything" his friend says, the man however is still skeptical, it's impossible for some machine to be able to determine ailments just from simple urine samples to this degree of accuracy.

The man decides that he wants to prove the machine can be tricked, so he collects a small sample of his wife's urine, some from his dog and jerks off into the mix, he was confident that this would show the machine can't possibly "know everything", with a smug smirk he puts the "sample" into the machine.

*whirr wirr beep bee booop* "Your dog has A FLEA INFESTATION."
*whirr wirr beep bee booop* "Your wife is PREGNANT and it's not Yours."
*whirr wirr beep bee booop* "Also you need to stop JERKING OFF or your arm will not recover."