Tell me your favorite joke, ERA?

[Thatonedice1]

ResetEra wig out for anyone else just now?

 

[BWoog]

 

[Clay]

It's too topical to really be my favorite, but I've had a lot of fun telling this recently.

Trump is visiting an elementary school and his staff is advising him as to how he should act. They warn him that the classroom he is meeting has one student whose parents immigrated into the US illegally and that it is vital he not do anything untoward toward this child. "The optics are going to be horrible if you do anything that could be interpreted as aggressive toward this kid, so just avoid him."

The visit is going well until the kids have the opportunity to shake Trump's hand and tell him what they want to be when they grow up. The kid enthusiastically shakes Trump's hand, beams up at him, and says "When I grow up I want to President like you!"

Trump already felt uncomfortable, but after that remark he can't control himself. "YOU want to be President! You weren't even born here! Are you stupid!? Are you a moron!?! Have you lost your mind!!!!"

The kid looks down at his feet in defeat, his dreams shattered. "Jeez," he says, "I had no idea there were so many requirements."

 

[AlteredBeast]

my favorite jokes are those told by Norm MacDonald. Unfortunately the episodes of his podcasts have been removed from Youtube, so I can no longer link to them. :(

 

[Random Painted Highway]

Updog

 

[Imthefunmachine]

Why did they only make one Yogi Bear?
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They made a Booboo.

 

[leafcutter]

What do panthers do?

Spoiler

They pull down your panth.

 

[adj_noun]

Updog

Click to shrink...

What's Updog?

 

[GKSilKamina]

A moth walks in to a podiatrist's office, sits down, and says "Doc, you've gotta help me. I've been working at the dealership for 25 years and just today, they laid me off."

The podiatrist says, "I'm so sorry to hear that. That must be very difficult."

"That's just the thing, doc. Things at home haven't been any better." The moth puts his head in his hands and, through sobs, continues: "My son, only 16, just died in a car accident. He'd been out with his friends and somebody must have bought alcohol for them, because he wrapped our family station wagon around a tree. He and his best friend and girlfriend were killed instantly.

"The grief was too much for my wife. When we got back from the funeral, she had her bags packed. She told me 'I don't know if I can be in this house anymore... I've been having an affair with your childhood friend Chris from the bank, and our son's death has made me realize that life is too short to not be happy.' And just like that, she was gone.

"Honestly, doc? I don't know if I can do this anymore. I want to end it all."

The podiatrist replies, "This must all be very hard for you, but why did you come see me? You should be seeing a psychiatrist, not a podiatrist."

The moth looks up, eyes swollen from tears. "The light was on."

Spoiler: Source

Click to shrink...

Darn it, I was planning on posting this joke.

 

[Kendrid]

What did the cat on the smartphone say?

Spoiler

Can you hear me meow?

 

[Random Painted Highway]

What's Updog?

Click to shrink...

Not much, what's up with you?.

 

[It’s Time To Go]

Have a meme I find hilarious every single time I look at it, it makes me guffaw with laughter.

 

[Burrman]

What did the dollar say to the quarter?
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You've changed.

 

[Tpallidum]

Any dumb Mitch Hedberg one liner will crack me up.

 

[Unaha-Closp]

What happens when the Pope dies?

Another one popes up.

My favourite joke when I was little. I still like it.

 

[Deleted member 11008]

Wanda Sykes 'Drink Man' segment is too funny.

 

[EchoSmoker]

I went to the National Air and Space Museum. I don't know why it's called that, because it was full of stuff!

 

[Deleted member 1726]

I was at a party recently and met the most amazing woman whilst playing Twister, I just don't know where I stand with her.

She was the best twister player I've ever seen, hands down.

 

[Arozay]

I think we're all adults here. Maybe spoiler tag it just in case.

Click to shrink...

This ones a good one.

 

[CopperPuppy]

Copy and pasting from Reddit a version of a personal favorite (source below):

A koala is sitting up a gumtree smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past, looks up and says:

"Hey Koala! What are you doing?"

The koala says: "Smoking a joint." "Come up and have some."

So the little lizard climbs up, sits next to the koala and they enjoy a large doobie.

After a while the little lizard says his mouth is dry and he is going to get a drink from the river.

But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.

A crocodile sees this, swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side then asks the little lizard:

"What's the matter with you?"

The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with the koala, got too stoned, and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to see this.

So they walk into the rain forest and find the tree where the koala is sitting, with yet another joint.

He looks up and says, "Hey you!"

The koala looks down at him and says...

"Fu-u-u-u-c-c-k, Dude....... How much water did you drink?

Click to shrink...

https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dwp0z/the_stoned_koala_and_lizard/

 

[Addi]

Why can't Jesus eat peanuts?

Spoiler

Because of the holes in his hands

 

[StraySheep]

What do you call a snail on a ship? A Snailor!

Seriously though idk. It would probably be something from a movie and not a one liner like these.

 

[Kevers]

I would tell you one about Jonestown but the punchline is too long.

 

[Forerunner]

 

[looprider]

How many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Spoiler

Three, one to hold the lightbulb and two to turn the ladder round and round