The ‘Dating Market’ Is Getting Worse

[Cow Mengde]

It's a rather long article, but it basically echoes how I view dating apps. They are bad, and they're ruining dating for a lot of people. This includes people who can get a lot of dates. People on these things are no longer treated as humans, but rather as numbers and commodities.

One of the best quotes

Last year, researchers at Ohio State University examined the link between loneliness and compulsive use of dating apps—interviewing college students who spent above-average time swiping—and found a terrible feedback loop: The lonelier you are, the more doggedly you will seek out a partner, and the more negative outcomes you're likely to be faced with, and the more alienated from other people you will feel. This happens to men and women in the same way.

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The ‘Dating Market’ Is Getting Worse

The old but newly popular notion that one’s love life can be analyzed like an economy is flawed—and it’s ruining romance.

www.theatlantic.com

 

[Emiya777]

If you want to see the future of American dating culture it will basically be what Japan's dating culture is right now. I feel like people never want to commit due to there always being another option one swipe away, but the grass is always greener on the other side. I'm wouldn't be surprised if Gen Z's divorce rates are around 60 to 70 percent.

 

[The Real Abed]

I'm so tired of matching with girls and only having half a conversation before they up and ghost me even in the middle of a question. She'll ask me a question and I'll answer and ask the same and oops, gone.

Fuck this shit. I'm 40 years old. I don't have time to waste here. I'm at that point I just want to hold a conversation for more than a half a day.

 

[Deleted member 16657]

The lonelier you are, the more doggedly you will seek out a partner, and the more negative outcomes you're likely to be faced with, and the more alienated from other people you will feel. This happens to men and women in the same way.

"We found no statistically significant differences for gender at all," the lead author, Katy Coduto, said in an email. "Like, not even marginally significant."

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Pretty bleak article lol. I kept reading in hopes of proposed solutions or ideas and the article just ended.

 

[Jintor]

If you want to see the future of American dating culture it will basically be what Japan's dating culture is right now. I feel like people never want to commit due to there always being another option one swipe away, but the grass is always greener on the other side. I'm wouldn't be surprised if Gen Z's divorce rates are around 60 to 70 percent.

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What's the deal? I have a friend there dating but his perspective is probably a little off (in a few different directions) since he's a white dude living in the middle of bumfuck nowhere who isn't as fluent as he'd like

 

[Cow Mengde]

I think if we give it a few more years, online dating will be the new digital menace causing problems in society like social media is today.

 

[HustleBun]

I'm so tired of matching with girls and only having half a conversation before they up and ghost me even in the middle of a question. She'll ask me a question and I'll answer and ask the same and oops, gone.

Fuck this shit. I'm 40 years old. I don't have time to waste here. I'm at that point I just want to hold a conversation for more than a half a day.

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I feel this. I haven't been on dating apps in over 5 years but I signed up for Tinder, OKC and the like after ending a 9 year relationship. I went on a few dates but the majority of my interactions went exactly as you described.

This was the exact experience that broke me. Real life dating is incredibly difficult and awkward but I had a higher rate of having genuine conversations and human interaction. Actually made some friends and dated some really lovely people.

My low confidence didn't help, but the cold and dismissive nature of dating apps wasn't for me. Getting ghosted or blown off like that in my 30's just wasn't worth the time and heartache it was causing me.

I hope things turn around for you. They did for me. Don't give up.

 

[Emiya777]

What's the deal? I have a friend there dating but his perspective is probably a little off (in a few different directions) since he's a white dude living in the middle of bumfuck nowhere who isn't as fluent as he'd like

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Their birth and marriage rates are absolute garbage and there's very strong worries about how they are going to support their very large older generation. This is due to a lot of factors, but the biggest most recently is an introverted culture and work centric focus, which I could see happening elsewhere as people get burnt out and turn their energy towards other things like their careers. My female Japanese teacher said that many females there use the 666 rule (6 figures, 6 feet, 6 inches), but I'm doubtful about how widespread that is. Peak late stage capitalism to work away our population.

 

[Deleted member 2533]

(wrong thread)

 

[Corporate Clown]

I ended up successful with tinder (currently engaged), but definitely see the issues. I've used dating apps in both small towns and large cities and both were kind of a mess. In large cities there are so many options people tend to move on without giving anything a real shot. In small towns, though, you run into the issue of dating 75% of the site's population and it's only a matter of time before you match with someone who is related to or best friends with someone you matched with before. Its awkward as hell lol.

 

[Deleted member 16657]

Also found the "dating realism" subreddits linked in the article to be a pretty amusing juxtaposition. The male one is people mad at women for having had sex before while the female one is full of stuff like this:

 

[perfectchaos007]

Their birth and marriage rates are absolute garbage and there's very strong worries about how they are going to support their very large older generation. This is due to a lot of factors, but the biggest most recently is an introverted culture and work centric focus, which I could see happening elsewhere as people get burnt out and turn their energy towards other things like their careers. My female Japanese teacher said that many females there use the 666 rule (6 figures, 6 feet, 6 inches), but I'm doubtful about how widespread that is. Peak late stage capitalism to work away our population.

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I seriously doubt the 6 inch penis size is a deal breaker for 99% of women. The 6' height and/or 6 figure income is probably a requirement for a relatively high % of women. The normal 80/20 rule is even worse on dating apps. The top 10% of men get close to 90% of the matches because why would a woman match with an average joe when they are just a few swipes away from a stud? As an average joe myself I hate it, but I get it, and there's nothing I can really do about it unless I hit the gym and grow 5" taller.

In an ideal world, dating apps would work for everyone and there should theoretically be strength in numbers ( swipe right on 100 profiles and you should at least get a couple matches, right??), but that is not the case. For average/below average looking people the best way to meet someone is still getting out of your home/apartment and participating in co-ed activities that you enjoy and maybe a connection with someone at your activity will manifest. That or go with your friends to a dance club and get out of your comfort zone.

 

[Jintor]

Their birth and marriage rates are absolute garbage and there's very strong worries about how they are going to support their very large older generation. This is due to a lot of factors, but the biggest most recently is an introverted culture and work centric focus, which I could see happening elsewhere as people get burnt out and turn their energy towards other things like their careers. My female Japanese teacher said that many females there use the 666 rule (6 figures, 6 feet, 6 inches), but I'm doubtful about how widespread that is. Peak late stage capitalism to work away our population.

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Ah, that's a bit macro for me – I meant more specifically about dating culture at the more individual level

 

[The Real Abed]

I feel this. I haven't been on dating apps in over 5 years but I signed up for Tinder, OKC and the like after ending a 9 year relationship. I went on a few dates but the majority of my interactions went exactly as you described.

This was the exact experience that broke me. Real life dating is incredibly difficult and awkward but I had a higher rate of having genuine conversations and human interaction. Actually made some friends and dated some really lovely people.

My low confidence didn't help, but the cold and dismissive nature of dating apps wasn't for me. Getting ghosted or blown off like that in my 30's just wasn't worth the time and heartache it was causing me.

I hope things turn around for you. They did for me. Don't give up.

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I feel exactly the same. I haven't been on any dates yet though. As I said all my conversations end way too abruptly. Or don't even start at all. Like why did you swipe on me if you didn't want to talk? It's not like I immediately asked you to fuck me. I wanted to talk. Find out about you. See if something forms. I was starting to think Tinder was secretly shadow banning my messages because I wont pay for the premium feature. I doubt they are but come on.

I feel like I'm too desperate for human interaction that I spent way too much over the last three weeks at a strip club because I found a girl there who liked actually having a conversation with me even if she was doing it for the money. I feel like I don't care the cost as long as I'm getting the human contact I need. (And I'm totally aware that I'm not her only client and that she treats other guys the same way.) But I can't go to a club every week. I need to find someone who can be there for me all the time and not just because I'm giving them money.

 

[TaySan]

I don't even bother to try. Online dating destroys my self esteem.

 

[ccbfan]

My female Japanese teacher said that many females there use the 666 rule (6 figures, 6 feet, 6 inches), but I'm doubtful about how widespread that is.

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that doesnt even make sense. 6 figures in Japan is under a thousand dollars and they use the metric system in Japan. The numbers 666 means nothing to them unless it's a common thing to translate all their measures to american numbers. Which is really stupid since they need to keep track of usb to yen conversions.

I do know Asian women that follows another 3s rule though. 180 cm/house/car.

 

[Lashes.541]

Online dating is the worst! I seemed to have the best experience with Facebook dating and ok Cupid. I was about to give up on it when last month I met a girl that after just being friends for several months has now turned into something extremely serious. But my god was dating sites just absolutely killing my confidence.

 

[Nilou]

I have no swipe on almost anyone across multiple, provided it's not a couple, hookup or a trump supporter, I couldn't care less about height or weight or income or whatever and live in a decent sized city and have the range of 50 miles for searches and I can't even get people to want to march with me and at best I get maybe one reply before they ignore me.

Had a few first dates last summer but then ended no where as the other person stopped replying afterwards and had a couple people last month late last year ask to meet up but completely vanished after I agreed to it.

I've pretty much had zero luck across Bumble, Tinder and Okcupid in my 10 months (so far) of using all 3.

Feels like I'll never have my first relationship. #foreveralone 😣😅

I have a friend who's not having any luck either, dating apps really seem to make things worse and not better.

 

[Chrno]

there's definitely a science to creating a profile that people want to swipe on, but even after all that it's still possible to blow it.

 

[Geist]

Online dating makes me honestly believe I'm going to be alone forever (and I actually have mild success).

 

[echoshifting]

I've actually grown averse to likes and messages from really attractive, athletic men, because I feel like this tendency to commoditize people on dating apps is a bigger issue for that top tier. It comes out in a lot of negative ways.

I hope that isn't a crappy thing to say. I've had some awful experiences with super hot guys I met on dating apps.

 

[Hound]

It might just be that my area is particularly awful, but after no successes on pretty much every major platform I bought the premium add on for Tinder so I could swipe elsewhere, and let me tell you, Euro-Tinder is the bee's fucking knees in terms of quality of matches and the conversations you get as a result. Didn't help too much at the end of the day because I am on the other side of the world, but it at least made me feel better about myself. Just having good, regular, and friendly conversation made the whole app dating thing not so bad. I've come to the conclusion that the tools are great, but how we use it is often just awful.

 

[Sampson]

If the price is right, the market always clears.

Most of the people I know that struggle with dating think too highly of themselves and shoot for men/women that are way out of their league. Or they simply don't try at all, knowing the only partners they could get, they don't want.

Either lower your expectations, or honestly improve yourself and you'll be shocked with the results.

 

[hateradio]

If you want to see the future of American dating culture it will basically be what Japan's dating culture is right now. I feel like people never want to commit due to there always being another option one swipe away, but the grass is always greener on the other side. I'm wouldn't be surprised if Gen Z's divorce rates are around 60 to 70 percent.

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People have to get married before even counting as a statistic for divorce. :p

 

[Deleted member 1248]

We can still go outside and meet people.

 

[Kernel]

I think if we give it a few more years, online dating will be the new digital menace causing problems in society like social media is today.

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I think it already has had a hand in creating incel culture and they've gone on killing sprees.

 

[Magni]

Their birth and marriage rates are absolute garbage and there's very strong worries about how they are going to support their very large older generation. This is due to a lot of factors, but the biggest most recently is an introverted culture and work centric focus, which I could see happening elsewhere as people get burnt out and turn their energy towards other things like their careers. My female Japanese teacher said that many females there use the 666 rule (6 figures, 6 feet, 6 inches), but I'm doubtful about how widespread that is. Peak late stage capitalism to work away our population.

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6 figures income, 6 feet tall, 6 inch dick?

I'm guessing the first is in USD, and there's very little people making that much in their late twenties early thirties. For the second, I see very little guys taller than me (I'm 5'10). As for the third, lol.

First I've ever heard of that "rule". I would guess your teacher is full of shit.

My anecdotal experience is that guys tend to be extremely shy in person here (or insanely and aggressively misogynistic online). So girls aren't into them. It's the norm to see (self-)gender-segregation when you go out. Girls' or guys' night out isn't the exception, it's the rule.

 

[TokyoJoe]

I'm so tired of matching with girls and only having half a conversation before they up and ghost me even in the middle of a question. She'll ask me a question and I'll answer and ask the same and oops, gone.

Fuck this shit. I'm 40 years old. I don't have time to waste here. I'm at that point I just want to hold a conversation for more than a half a day.

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Most of my friends met their partners through other friends or social activities. I personally think this is where one needs to look for a partner when you hit 35+.

 

[RestEerie]

My female Japanese teacher said that many females there use the 666 rule (6 figures, 6 feet, 6 inches)

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imperial units? Yikes...

 

[Sanka]

Every 1 or 2 weeks or so I get at least one match that I am also interested in and it typically works out. It's not a lot of work you have to put in to find some success so I don't get why people dislike it so much. Just swipe, swipe, swipe and wait a few weeks.

It still has a higher success rate than literally doing nothing.

 

[TokyoJoe]

People also don't go to book stores anymore or poetry clubs. I guess the times have changed.

 

[NekoNeko]

Every 1 or 2 weeks or so I get at least one match that I am also interested in and it typically works out. It's not a lot of work you have to put in to find some success so I don't get why people dislike it so much. Just swipe, swipe, swipe and wait a few weeks.

It still has a higher success rate than literally doing nothing.

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you are completely missing the point.

 

[diakyu]

Posting cause I want to read this full later, but what I have read is depressing the hell out of me.

 

[Maximo]

Having been in a relationship for 9 years I can't imagine what its like now I didn't have to deal with any of that when I was single and its hard as hell hearing my friend talk about how little luck she is having.

 

[Psittacus]

We can still go outside and meet people.

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Yeah but we've gotten into this rut where it's a lot safer and easier to fail miserably at online dating than go outside. It's a massive problem that we've just handed over something so crucial to our emotional well-being to companies that don't have our best interests at heart. If they were actually good at what they did instead of keeping people on a treadmill of loneliness they'd go out of business.

 

[jdstorm]

I've actually grown averse to likes and messages from really attractive, athletic men, because I feel like this tendency to commoditize people on dating apps is a bigger issue for that top tier. It comes out in a lot of negative ways.

I hope that isn't a crappy thing to say. I've had some awful experiences with super hot guys I met on dating apps.

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It's not a crappy thing to say at all. People who are at the top of the dating pool can get away with treating people worse because they will easily find another person if that match/date doesn't work out.

 

[diakyu]

Fuck me the talk of economic principles in romance is killing me. Consciousness was a mistake/s

 

[Euler]

Dating apps are pretty garbage, yeah.

I got lucky and eventually found my gf through tinder, but before that there was just too much of the shit described in the OP.

 

[Johnny Blaze]

Every 1 or 2 weeks or so I get at least one match that I am also interested in and it typically works out. It's not a lot of work you have to put in to find some success so I don't get why people dislike it so much. Just swipe, swipe, swipe and wait a few weeks.

It still has a higher success rate than literally doing nothing.

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I'm baffled as how you don't see the issue in this?

So you're matching every 1 or 2 weeks with a new person and it works out, like how is that healthy or how does that work out unless your matches are Pokemons?

 

[Hoo-doo]

Their birth and marriage rates are absolute garbage and there's very strong worries about how they are going to support their very large older generation. This is due to a lot of factors, but the biggest most recently is an introverted culture and work centric focus, which I could see happening elsewhere as people get burnt out and turn their energy towards other things like their careers. My female Japanese teacher said that many females there use the 666 rule (6 figures, 6 feet, 6 inches), but I'm doubtful about how widespread that is. Peak late stage capitalism to work away our population.

Click to shrink...

Absolute nonsense. This mindset that all women want is money or a big dick is ridiculously infantile and sexist. It's like a straight up incel talking point where 'chads' and 'stacies' are things that actually mean something.

Women on dating sites are people too, like you and me.

 

[Kaim Argonar]

App dating has changed, nobody can deny that.

But everything does.You have to look for opportunities in more places, not just online dating or the same circles you always are. As I aged I started getting more matches with ladies that after a long conversation or even a couple of dates told me that they had a child, or they started very quickly to tell me to do stuff I didn't want to and get mad if I didn't. It was really annoying losing both of our times like that since I'm not interested in raising someone else's child (nothing wrong with that, I just don't want it for myself) or being told what to do 'or else'. But you start doing new activities or going to different places and you get to know any lady you're interested in better before you go on a date with her.

 

[Deleted member 48434]

I've more or less accepted there's no hope for me in the 'Dating Market'.
I'm done. I'll make peace with single life.
It's incredible effort with frankly pathetic emotional return unless you hit the jackpot.

 

[Prodigal Son]

im not looking forward to having to use them inevitably. i want to wait til i move since the shame of having people i've known from class and work see me on tinder feels like waay too much. how do you get past that

 

[Deleted member 5127]

As a gay person I don't have any other option but dating apps really, looking for dates in gay bars isn't really my thing. So apps definitely helped me get over that treshold and go on dates.

I think it already has had a hand in creating incel culture and they've gone on killing sprees.

Click to shrink...

Dating apps need to start taking this seriously, there's this guy that's been stalking me for over a year now and there's nothing I can do about it, and that all just because I didn't reply to him in Grindr.

 

[Deleted member 5127]

im not looking forward to having to use them inevitably. i want to wait til i move since the shame of having people i've known from class and work see me on tinder feels like waay too much. how do you get past that

Click to shrink...

Why do you care? It's no big deal most of them are on there themselves for the same reasons.

Plus trying to find a date isn't shameful at all.

 

[Sanka]

you are completely missing the point.

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I don't think so. That was my personal experience with it. I am fully aware of how hard it is to get any compatible partners on dating apps and with those folks I sympathize.

But people need to distance their success on these apps with their own self worth. Most men can't get more than one match every few weeks if at all. And once that becomes clear to all, the pressure to succeed online gets weaker. We all suck in this thing so don't stress it too much.

 

[mavericktopgun]

The 2 rules of Online Dating

1. Be attractive
2. Don't be unattractive

 

[Caddywompus]

I'm baffled as how you don't see the issue in this?

So you're matching every 1 or 2 weeks with a new person and it works out, like how is that healthy or how does that work out unless your matches are Pokemons?

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I'm interested what you mean by this? Unless we all have different interpretations of "worked out" But I have similar results of meeting someone new each week, with varying results depending on what do you deem worked out from new friendship, one night stands, avoiding a red flag nightmare you find out quick what kind of connection there is between you two and you either move forward or move on. Not much different than if your method was to meet people at a bar or whatever in real life.

 

[Sanka]

I'm baffled as how you don't see the issue in this?

So you're matching every 1 or 2 weeks with a new person and it works out, like how is that healthy or how does that work out unless your matches are Pokemons?

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Well, I mean meeting and getting to know each other works out. Once I met a person I will stop approaching anyone else tho. I'm also not looking for a traditional relationship so that helps, it's more of a fwb setup.

 

[Emiya777]

Absolute nonsense. This mindset that all women want is money or a big dick is ridiculously infantile and sexist. It's like a straight up incel talking point where 'chads' and 'stacies' are things that actually mean something.

Women on dating sites are people too, like you and me.

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Look I was clearly quoting what someone else told me, throwing around that sort of accusations is unfair. I thought Resetera was better than this. I never said I agreed with what she said.