[The Atlantic] My wife was dying, and we didn't tell our children

[Kieli]

https://www.theatlantic.com/family/...nt-tell-our-children-about-her-cancer/582709/

The choice was unusual, but loving: We wanted them to live without the shadow of their mother's mortality hanging over them.

We decided not to tell the kids. Marla knew that once our three daughters understood that their mother had been given 1,000 days to live, they'd start counting.

They would not be able to enjoy school, friends, their teams, or birthday parties. They'd be watching too closely—how she looked, moved, acted, ate, or didn't. Marla wanted her daughters to stay children: unburdened, confident that tomorrow would look like yesterday.

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In my shoes, I would want to know if my loved ones had a terminal illness. But I understand and respect why they did not disclose the terminal cancer to their children. Your thoughts would become consumed with mortality and counting the days down. There's no way to live life normally once you know. You've crossed the rubicon.

 

[Deleted member 2625]

So sad.

Reminds me of the film My Life Without Me. In that, she doesn't even tell her husband.

 

[CrazyDude]

I guess I would hold off telling until it became obvious.

 

[SugarNoodles]

So this seems like a terrible way to teach kids about mortality.

I'd wager that they were projecting their hangups about mortality onto their children.

 

[Frozenprince]

I understand and empathize with the choice, you don't want to burden them. But you have to tell them so they can begin to process it and deal with the fact that their mother is not going to be there. It's doing more harm than good to not tell them.

Awful thing to happen.

 

[Fart Master]

Sheltering your kids this much is unhealthy. Fact is that death is part of life and it's better for them to learn to understand at an early age.

 

[Phatmanny]

All these replies really scream I didn't read the Atlantic article.

 

[Deleted member 2625]

I understand and empathize with the choice, you don't want to burden them. But you have to tell them so they can begin to process it and deal with the fact that their mother is not going to be there. It's doing more harm than good to not tell them.

Awful thing to happen.

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...

Our girls have talked often about their mother's sacrifice and said to me without prompting, "I am so glad I didn't know what Mommy was going through. I would have worried every single day." In these past two months, they have reassured me again and again that not telling them was the loving choice.

Marla insisted on giving our daughters their youth, convinced that normalcy would allow them to discover their own strengths. And she gave me something just as extraordinary: the resilience of romance in the face of a sure, premature ending.

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(also - there is one person in this thread whom I have on ignore; I turned the filter off out of curiosity and holy goddamned hell is that choice ever validated. wow)

 

[DavidDesu]

(just read the article)

Every person is unique in this scenario so we shouldn't rush to judge. My mum had breast cancer and never told my siblings or myself until she got the all clear, we were livid about it and told her to promise us we would know if it happened again, so we could be there for her, she doesn't need to be a rock for the family or any of that nonsense, we want to be there for her.

In this case Marla long outlasted the 1000 days prognosis which was amazing, I just worry that in many other cases you might not have made the 1000 days, and those days and that time is precious. I'd worry about dying suddenly and the kids only knowing right at the end, there's the potential they could feel resentment later on if they think they never cherished the final moments as much as they could have because they were never told. For me personally if I was in their shoes I think I'd have to be honest. My dad passed away after Xmas in 2016 several months after a terminal lung cancer prognosis. Looking back I'm glad the family all knew, and that I knew personally. It was a horrible year knowing what was coming but I'm glad I knew, I might never have told my dad I loved him and heard him say those words back to me if my parents had held it from us and maybe something happens quickly and you never get that chance. I think honesty is usually always the best policy.

 

[hodayathink]

I would have been upset if they'd actually let her die without telling the kids. Not telling them until you're actually at the end of the line is a fair decision, though probably not one I would have made, even having gone through the opposite.

 

[excelsiorlef]

I think we might have a very different ending if the children were still very much children when their mother passed.

The "positive ending", for as much as this can be such a thing, is definitely helped by the fact that the children are college going aged and thus more likely to be able to understand, emotionally and intellectually, the whole affair.

My one issue with this is this is yet another story in the narrative that cancer patients are expected to sacrifice and sacrifice.

Yes she did it willingly but there's an entire cottage industry around the idea of the noble, inspiring, upbeat and positive Cancer patient who made us all feel better about their upcoming death

 

[AztecComplex]

Jesus Christ. Talk about finding bad news to get bummed out, goddamn.

 

[TheYanger]

Eh....I mean I don't think this is the worst thing in the world, but as a child that had a terminally ill parent from the time I was 12 or so until the time I was over 30, I'm glad I knew the entire time. When my Dad finally passed away, it was hard, but I was very prepared for it as well. I don't think it truly altered how I lived my life when I was younger either. I was too young to really 'get' death, and by the time I did I had lived with it long enough that it wasn't some weird thing.

 

[nekkid]

There is absolutely nothing wrong with that decision imo. Likewise there is nothing wrong with telling them.

 

[Madjaba]

Bittersweet ending and so sad...

She seemed like a strong woman wow !

 

[Koo]

Cant' begin to imagine how stressful that would be to hide this diagnosis from your loved ones for nearly a decade. I feel like I would be the kind of person to make the same choice as I don't like to burden people when I'm feeling unwell. But who knows, that's a lot to go through; probably not a wrong decision no matter what a person decides to do here.

Not that you can be prepared, death tends to be sudden. My father fought cancer for years and I was there to help him and take him to appointments and such. But one day his doctor sat me down and told me my father was going to die and I just cried because I wasn't expecting it somehow. He lived for a few months after that and when he died I still wasn't expecting it despite the doctor telling me.

 

[Fallen92]

It's a tough call to make and I think that it really depends on the family. I also feel that telling them sooner wouldn't have impacted them as much as they think because giving people time to grieve, specially when the person is still alive, can also help with coping with the eventual death. I personally would've told my children that their mother was not going to live for as long as we all would've hoped because while the initial shock would be devastating, it gives everyone time to prepare.

The case in the article is special though in that they got away with doing both of those things. They kept it a secret until they knew they had to tell them and then gave them a couple of weeks to cope. I don't think they would've been too happy if it just happened suddenly with no warning. Still, even though the children say they agreed with the decision, I personally couldn't help but think that if someone had known sooner you might have taken the time to do things differently. Still though, 7 years is a hell of a lot of time to outlast a disease that should've killed you much sooner.

 

[Vaco6121]

After having experiencing this twice with my real dad and then step-dad. I don't agree with not telling your kids you are dying as it doesn't matter what their age is, if you don't tell them, they will be blind sided by your death all because you didn't want to worry them when they could of been preparing for it with you.

 

[Deleted member 9838]

I think this was a good choice.

 

[excelsiorlef]

Cant' begin to imagine how stressful that would be to hide this diagnosis from your loved ones for nearly a decade. I feel like I would be the kind of person to make the same choice as I don't like to burden people when I'm feeling unwell.

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This mindset is one of the things I'm most dedicated to fighting.

And I blame so many feeling like you partially on the way our society and media sells noble suffering as inspirational.

We glamorize the positive cancer patient who never stopped smiling and was always upbeat. Which in itself is fine but not when it's presented as aspirational.

People who are dying should not have to hide their suffering because of some sort of idea that not doing so is a burden.

We need more actual empathy for how the dying actually feel not how they makes those around them feel.

It is not the job of the dying to make those around them feel better about their death.

It's telling that our culture places the romanticization of selflessness on the suffering and not the healthy

 

[Alwayscrazybacon]

Those kids grew up normally rather than "those kids who's mum is going to die soon".

 

[Koo]

This mindset is one of the things I'm most dedicated to fighting.

And I blame so many feeling like you partially on the way our society and media sells noble suffering as inspirational.

We glamorize the positive cancer patient who never stopped smiling and was always upbeat. Which in itself is fine but not when it's presented as aspirational.

People who are dying should not have to hide their suffering because of some sort of idea that not doing so is a burden.

We need more actual empathy for how the dying actually feel not how they makes those around them feel.

It is not the job of the dying to make those around them feel better about their death.

It's telling that our culture places the romanticization of selflessness on the suffering and not the healthy

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Yeah I realize how wrong it sounds; although I wouldn't call it noble, just I don't like bothering people with my problems. But it's very hypocritical as I want others to share with me if they were feeling bad or going through a rough time.

It's just a weird part of our society where there are some things people don't feel comfortable discussing, even with loved ones. And I guess also part of it is how it changes how they view you as well. You don't want to go from the person every takes comfort in and nurtures; to 'dying person how sad'.

It's a lot to unpack about how we as a society treat illness/death in others and how that person wants to be treated. But I will agree to the 3rd party glamorization of strong cancer warrior can sell a problematic image that a person who is going through that shouldn't feel the need to live up to.

 

[Deleted member 1445]

Never, ever do this. All this will cause is a rift between you and your children when they find out you've been hiding it from them for ages. It's a horrible feeling, to have the people you look up to the most, hide such an important thing from you. Having your chance at coming to terms with it, and doing the things you want to do with your parent, asking them what you want to ask them, before they pass away, ripped away from you is something that still hurts me to this day. All the things you could have done and considered. Taken away for no reason.

 

[applejuice]

I'm not gonna judge those parents. I couldn't imagine being in a dying person's shoes. Once people know, then it's all looks of pity, people treating you as an invalid regardless of your physical situation, your entire existence revolves around other people adjusting to you dying except your not dead yet.

 

[deejay]

Could it have been possible to tell them without mentioning the number of days? Haven 't read the full article yet.

 

[TastyBurger666]

A very brave choice for them to take, it is not for others to judge their very personal decision.

 

[ishan]

I am not sure if there is a right or wrong answer on this. Ive only read the op not the article and frankly such things hit close to home so to each their own. Its a personal thing.

 

[Vinnie20]

Could it have been possible to tell them without mentioning the number of days? Haven 't read the full article yet.

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Yeah the day estimate was not accurate so there was no reason to tell them the number. The medical industry have their reason to highlight the date.

 

[Fevaweva]

My parents did this with my Grandad when I was 21. I never understood why they kept it the cancer from me and even downplayed it. Am I grateful? I don't know. The gut punch I had when I found out is something I will never forget, but at least I wasn't sad and worried about him for months. I guess?

 

[CrazyAndy]

I respect their decision. No idea how I would handle it.

 

[Kill3r7]

There is no right or wrong answer to this. You have to do what you think is right. Also, she lived nearly 10 years fighting it.

 

[Grug]

As both a parent and someone currently undergoing cancer treatment (albeit in a statistically more optimistic scenario than the lady in the article), I completely relate to the story. It's not a situation to be a self righteous "I will never be anything but 100 percent honest with my children" type.. Childhood is sacred and needs to be protected and curated. What would really be the point of telling my three year old "well, according to the literature, it's approximately an 82 percent chance I will be alive in 10 years son".

This isn't a "I'm being brave and suffering in silence" thing and I am not sure why people are taking the thread in that direction. The article makes it pretty damn clear it's specific to the children. My wife, family and friends are fully informed about my situation and have my back. But these situations make every moment with your child immediately more precious, and you don't want them tainted by poisoning your child with fears they aren't equipped to manage.

As far as my son knows, I had a "germ" that he named "Kevin" removed from my chest and now the doctors are "shining a special light" on me every day for six weeks to make sure he doesn't come back. Frankly that's more knowledge that I want him burdened with, but you can't hide absolutely everything. If he was older, the information would be a little more forthcoming, but still very managed.

If things proceed as hoped, I'll be able to paint a fuller picture of what happened when he is older and ready for it.

In any case, it's a bizarre situation to find yourself in, and you really can't judge anyone on how they manage it.

 

[excelsiorlef]

A very brave choice for them to take, it is not for others to judge their very personal decision.

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I mean they chose to go public with their choice.

We can certainly respectfully discuss it.

 

[Deleted member 9241]

We would be up front and honest with our kids. We parent by example. Our strength would be their strength. They navigate life based on our example. How we choose to treat things has a direct impact on how our children learn and grow. Death is a part of that.

Nothing against the people in the article though. People handle death and dying quite differently. They did what they felt was right.

 

[skipgo]

I think that's depriving the kids of a major learning experience. Not gonna get mad at the parents cause I understand they made their choice from good intentions.
But I would've dealt with it differently.

 

[Grug]

I think that's depriving the kids of a major learning experience.

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Trauma can indeed result in personal growth, but it doesn't mean we have to actively embrace it at a way to learn. It can also result in poor mental health outcomes including anxiety disorders.

 

[Netherscourge]

I'd probably do the same.

2+ years to live - may as well enjoy a year as normally as possible. Get all the happy experiences you can.

 

[Airegin]

Reading that article left me in so many tears. What an incredible woman.

 

[skipgo]

Trauma can indeed result in personal growth, but it doesn't mean we have to actively embrace it at a way to learn.

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Either way, it's gonna be a traumatic experience. I'm not saying their choice is not valid, it is.
But, I've known since I was 10 that my grandfather who I was very close to (he was my father figure) had cancer and it was a 10 year struggle until he passed away. And that gave me a completely different perspective in life, it wasn't about counting down the days we had left but rather treasuring all the time we had together. Letting go of petty disagreements cause they really don't matter in the long run and enjoying his company and witnessing his strength going through it all and still keeping a sense of humor and making it seem like it wasn't a big deal.
That taught me a lot about life, and I think had I not known all along i'd possibly look back on many moments and go "oh I was so shitty to him... had I known..." which is a terrible feeling to have.

But of course, everyone deals with it differently and I don't judge their choice.

 

[Donos]

Could it have been possible to tell them without mentioning the number of days? Haven 't read the full article yet.

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Do it. It's not long. She lasted triple the time the doctors gave her. Several years more than anticipated, where the girls grew up with a rather normal life instead counting days or wondering if the next day is the day since she was already past her "deadline".
Reading the article, i'm ok what they did and i'm not really sure what i would do. Don't really know if that's possible to know what you really would do beforehand since this is really a special situation.

 

[Grug]

Either way, it's gonna be a traumatic experience. I'm not saying their choice is not valid, it is.
But, I've known since I was 10 that my grandfather who I was very close to (he was my father figure) had cancer and it was a 10 year struggle until he passed away. And that gave me a completely different perspective in life, it wasn't about counting down the days we had left but rather treasuring all the time we had together. Letting go of petty disagreements cause they really don't matter in the long run and enjoying his company and witnessing his strength going through it all and still keeping a sense of humor and making it seem like it wasn't a big deal.
That taught me a lot about life, and I think had I not known all along i'd possibly look back on many moments and go "oh I was so shitty to him... had I known..." which is a terrible feeling to have.

But of course, everyone deals with it differently and I don't judge their choice.

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Highly valid perspective. Appreciate you sharing.

 

[Deleted member 176]

I probably wouldn't talk to the living parent for a while if they pulled this shit on me.

 

[ConHaki66]

Seems like a way that might lead to his kids regretting things that didn't do for her during that time and a bunch of what if scenarios

 

[TastyBurger666]

Either way, it's gonna be a traumatic experience. I'm not saying their choice is not valid, it is.
But, I've known since I was 10 that my grandfather who I was very close to (he was my father figure) had cancer and it was a 10 year struggle until he passed away. And that gave me a completely different perspective in life, it wasn't about counting down the days we had left but rather treasuring all the time we had together. Letting go of petty disagreements cause they really don't matter in the long run and enjoying his company and witnessing his strength going through it all and still keeping a sense of humor and making it seem like it wasn't a big deal.
That taught me a lot about life, and I think had I not known all along i'd possibly look back on many moments and go "oh I was so shitty to him... had I known..." which is a terrible feeling to have.

But of course, everyone deals with it differently and I don't judge their choice.

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I had a similar experience with an Uncle who had cancer which was in remission and then came back aggressively. I was more traumatised by the way the illness ravaged his body while alive than anything.

I still have very vivid memories of his funeral and his daughters who've now grown to become incredibly strong women in their own right.

 

[Deleted member 15737]

3 years seems like a long time. Although my kids are younger, I think if I were in this situation I'd give them about 6 months of a heads up.

Haven't read the article yet, when did they break it to the kids?

 

[Grug]

Seems like a way that might lead to his kids regretting things that didn't do for her during that time and a bunch of what if scenarios

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You lose a parent at a young age and there will be a painful mountain of regrets and what ifs regardless of how much notice you got.

 

[Grug]

I probably wouldn't talk to the living parent for a while if they pulled this shit on me.

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Can understand an emotional reaction but I fully believe you would eventually come to empathise with and respect their reasoning as an act of love.

 

[smurfx]

People get too hung up on the things they could have done while a person was alive. I totally understand her not telling her kids. Let as many of their last days be as normal as they can be because once her health started going down those kids were in for some real bad times.

 

[Deleted member 176]

Can understand an emotional reaction but I fully believe you would eventually come to empathise with and respect their reasoning as an act of love.

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I would not, it's fucked up. I'd eventually get over it and talk to the living parent again (assuming they weren't secretly at deaths door too) but I would always hate them for it at least a little.

 

[Deleted member 34385]

i should not have finished reading that. now i am here crying like a little kid...jezus christ this is some heavy stuff. i wish this to no one.