"The everyday sexism I face as a stay-at-home dad" - Matthew Jenkin, father, explains

TSM

Member
Oct 27, 2017
1,528
"Stay at home dad" is my dream job. Wish I had the $$$ to be one.

I have full custody of my two daughters, but I also work 10 hour days :(. I'd love to put all that time into my little ones.
Tell me about it. I used to get out of third shift and care for the kids all day then get barely enough sleep to go back to work. Did it for years. It's amazing how little sleep you can get by on.
 

Chamaeleonx

Banned
Oct 27, 2017
2,348
My friend had the cops called on him for being "a strange man watching kids" at the playground. When the police showed up, they tried to pull him aside for questioning, but he refused to leave without first getting his daughter. Everything was sorted out in the end, but he said felt humiliated. He never got an apology either.
This seems like an American thing to me.

I guess increasing equality will lessen or even remove this problem as well. Ancient gender roles only change very slowly and we need to have patience.
 
Oct 25, 2017
955
I feel sorry for those women for who it is so alien to see a man taking care of a baby. Their husbands probably don't help them much.
 

Biggersmaller

Member
Oct 27, 2017
2,500
Minneapolis
That sucks. You don’t even need to be at home to get that shit. I’m a dad with two young boys. Still, I would kill to be an at-home parent. It would be a blast!

A lot of people are on my street are at home (all women), but we will never be able to afford that shit - LOL.
 

Bengraven

Member
Oct 26, 2017
1,588
I was on the fence wondering if this was sexism

1) because a man dares to do traditional “woman’s work”

2) because people upset that a stay at home parent is referred to as: “woman’s work”
 

RedNalgene

Member
Oct 25, 2017
316
I will also say there is another side to this too. Because men are seen as incompetent caregivers, whenever we do something right we get tons of praise. My in laws especially give me so much credit for doing things like soothing my daughter when she’s upset and changing diapers. My wife is just expected to do those things, and do them well.
 

Taco_Human

Member
Jan 6, 2018
862
MA
I'm an uncle, and I know how to take care of babies better than a lot of people I've met. Sucks to hear about this still going on. I sometimes worry I look out of place when I'm hanging out with my nieces or little sister at the park sometimes. I'm not athletic but I admit I still like playing with them for certain things. A 26 year old climbing all over a play ground isn't exactly "normal" like that...but it's fucking fun.
 

IPSF

Banned
Oct 27, 2017
345
As a stay at home Dad for my second and a significant caregiver for the first while Mum was still in and out of hospital: Yuuuup

The condecending looks and attitudes you get are disgraceful.

I'm a part time single Dad now and Ive had to unmatch from so many women on dating apps because Ive got the "Its good you're allowed to see them so much" and "awww it's cute they spend time with Dad" comments. Fuck you bitch, Im every bit the parent my ex partner is, that's what 50:50 means.
 

RedMercury

Member
Dec 24, 2017
7,512
Oh, and if you do want to go back to work, good fucking luck with a long gap in your resume. Hiring managers don't give a shit that you stayed home and raised kids unfortunately, especially if the manager is a man.
That's not really a thing. "Mansplaining" is a thing because there is an overarching general sexism that women face that men do not. Yes, we men do face sexism in certain areas but our society is structured in a way that while it's awful, it's not really comparable.
 

KojiKnight

Member
Oct 25, 2017
8,517
Personally I've never had this as a stay at home Dad if two girls. Either living in Florida or Arizona. Though I don't tend to do group child activities... Just taking the girls to the various parts in the area.
 

LegendofJoe

Member
Oct 28, 2017
4,817
Arkansas, USA
Thanks kindly for this thread. I'm a dad, married to a woman, and the nonsense I'll have to deal with when I'm out and about with my son is ridiculous. Like, basic stuff. Changing tables in men's rooms are almost nonexistent, and are almost always poorly maintained.

The worst, though? When people ask me if I'm babysitting. I get angry almost immediately.
The babysitting thing enrages me too.

No, I'm not fucking babysitting. These are my children and I am their father, it's my job to care for them.
 

Kirblar

Member
Oct 25, 2017
24,031
as a dad who works from home, and completely no offense intended, but no, you can't. Maybe the first month to 3 months when most babies all they do is eat sleep and poop. But after that it's really a full time job.



Anyway I live in Houston, and never experienced anything like that. I used to be out and about frequently with both kids. In fact I've experienced the opposite. I've gotten encouragement like your doing a great job, and it does get better.

But just tlike everything else people just need to mind their fucking business.


As a poster above said the mommy culture is getting ridiculous. A friend of ours the other day read us a post from her mommy group. Someone asked what do you like to do for date night? And someone responded that there's no better date night than staying home with her kids and husband and having dinner with them. We all eyerolled. Because this is the exact type of thing trying to guilt others into thinking they shouldn't do date nights or whatever bullshit.
I love my kids but goddamn I need some adult time occasionally.
Study found younger women are consistently underestimating how much time Babies take and Id expect that to hold for younger men as well. https://www.resetera.com/threads/the-mommy-effect-do-women-anticipate-the-employment-effects-of-motherhood-nber-study.52177/
working.

While the norms are changing, men are still viewed as the bread winners. In fact there's been several threads about how dads get a raise after having a kid, where as moms end up making less after having kids.
That one actually may have just been figured out and disproven, it appears to be a selection effect. https://www.resetera.com/threads/study-marital-wage-premium-for-men-may-actually-not-exist-may-instead-be-selection-effect.54548/

(not pickin on you w the studies lol, I just follow a bunch of data nerds on Twitter)
 
Dec 28, 2017
169
User Banned (1 Week): Trolling about gender identities, account still in junior phase.
I'm a gender non-binary nanny that is often read as a man, and I definitely see this stuff. It's always a little amazing and dehumanizing, definitely. I don't call it sexism, though. It's all rooted in patriarchy.
Sorry this indentication confuses me and require clarification.
You are indeed a gender. Everyone is. Non-binary as in your not made of numbers or sequences? Often read as a man. If you are non-binary doesnt that mean you cant be read because you're not sequenced? So how can people read you? As a man at that. Do they try to read you in a mans voice or with an actual man present.

Tbh the only thing I understood is Nanny. Which is a job title or often a title for a british grandmother from a grandchild. I assumed job title because by statistics of probability you are probably not a grandmother.

For comparison, here is a statement I believe is equally confusing.
I am a human, of the being variety, from the demographic of mankind which is not a dirivitive of womankind or trankind but a whole. I breathe. Holding air indefinitely. My brain works on inconsequentiality. I am. Danger is roostered in risk and cause. It does not indeedly finely define my causality which is true.
 

Aiustis

Avenger
Oct 25, 2017
2,294
Cybertronic Purgatory
Poor baby is destined to a life time of taking bad pictures.

I will also say there is another side to this too. Because men are seen as incompetent caregivers, whenever we do something right we get tons of praise. My in laws especially give me so much credit for doing things like soothing my daughter when she’s upset and changing diapers. My wife is just expected to do those things, and do them well.
This is part of it
Most women still do most of the childcare in families
I read an article that basically it was only with millenial parents that really involved dads became more common
 

MrNewVegas

Member
Oct 27, 2017
4,743
I was on parental leave for 10 months with my son. Never received anything like this in public.

The only time was family but it was them being blown away. They couldn’t believe I’d want to stay at home and not work. Lmfao best time of my life and I’ll never get it again.

Now people just say how great of a dad I am. I always just tell em I’m doing my job.
 

Aiustis

Avenger
Oct 25, 2017
2,294
Cybertronic Purgatory
Sorry this indentication confuses me and require clarification.
You are indeed a gender. Everyone is. Non-binary as in your not made of numbers or sequences? Often read as a man. If you are non-binary doesnt that mean you cant be read because you're not sequenced? So how can people read you? As a man at that. Do they try to read you in a mans voice or with an actual man present.

Tbh the only thing I understood is Nanny. Which is a job title or often a title for a british grandmother from a grandchild. I assumed job title because by statistics of probability you are probably not a grandmother.

For comparison, here is a statement I believe is equally confusing.
I am a human, of the being variety, from the demographic of mankind which is not a dirivitive of womankind or trankind but a whole. I breathe. Holding air indefinitely. My brain works on inconsequentiality. I am. Danger is roostered in risk and cause. It does not indeedly finely define my causality which is true.
It's probably best that you don't tell people what the are and are not
 
Oct 25, 2017
272
I work a weird shift where I had a lot of weekdays off and did my share of taking the kids places without my wife. Honestly I never ran into any of the problems brought up here. Don't know if I was just lucky, or confident in caring for my kids.
 

PhazonBlonde

User requested ban
Banned
May 18, 2018
3,293
Somewhere deep in space
"Womansplaining" isn't a thing. Women do not systemically oppress men in the same way men do to women. I think even the couple in the article would discourage using such a term, as they themselves said something like "this is just the patriarchy coming back to bite us in the ass." Men need feminism too; this is the result of the patriarchy telling women for millennia that their primary role is in bearing and raising children. As a result it's no wonder plenty of women place a ton of their identity in it (and wrongly so).

I saw this happen on a plane I was on a couple weeks ago. Dad with his toddler daughter and the flight attendant kept asking rude questions about where the mom was and giving him advice on what to do with his own daughter. It was.... painfully obvious the mom had ran out on them and the poor guy was being really really careful to word it delicately.

I feel sorry for those women for who it is so alien to see a man taking care of a baby. Their husbands probably don't help them much.
Right? Like.... seriously some massive projecting going on.
 

The Orz

Member
Dec 5, 2017
220
Fuck you bitch, Im every bit the parent my ex partner is...
Interesting language given that you're arguing against sexist stereotyping.

Let's face it, Western society has established roles for parents that many, many people both accept and expect. Being the only dad at a mom's play group is bound to be awkward for everyone at first. And honestly I don't mind the occasional patronizing comment or advice because I know I'm a good parent and my kids are being well taken care of. I've got nothing to prove to ignorant strangers.
 

Volimar

Moderator
Oct 25, 2017
10,532
I saw this so much raising my kid. Not only was it the momsplaining, but when I'd take my kid to the park when he was little I'd get dirty looks and moms keeping their kids away from me as I kept an eye on mine. The worst was the time I went to collect my child as he was chasing a squirrel and a woman ran up and asked my kid, "Do you know this man?" She didn't ask that of any of the kids with moms there but the expectation that a man was only there to snatch a child was too much for her to ignore. It's pretty shitty. So glad he's 18 now and I don't have to deal with that.
 

Luchashaq

Banned
Nov 4, 2017
4,329
He I don't even have a kid and the number of shitty remarks I get about working on the business My wife is the face of is insane.

Fuck off with your gender roles bullshiiiiiit.
 

SillyEskimo

The Fallen
Oct 26, 2017
2,200
Pretty terrible attitude to have, not everyone has a job they can leave when they want or time off to do so. Its the opposite for my family, i can make events because i have way more time off than my wife.
If it has been six years of your child’s school life and you have been unwilling or unable to make time to attend a single event, you need to try harder. The times for these types of activites are given months in advance and they are done in the mornings, afternoons, and evenings. The women turn up, and they have jobs too. Most men do not make the effort. You have to want to go. You have to make it a priority. It is not hard at all, but it is too hard for too many dads.

Talk to teachers. They’ll make the exact same observations. Mothers attend and participate significantly more than dads.
 

astro

Member
Oct 25, 2017
16,032
I'm not convinced. Sorry.
Then you're not paying attention, at all.

1. Men are not systemically oppressed like women via institutionalized sexism.
2. There is nowhere near the same culture surrounding men in this context.
3. The reason mansplaining is a thing is because of the above two points, just because some women might condescend men sometimes too does not make "womansplaining" a thing.

You need some more context in your life.
 

Mikespit1200

Banned
Oct 28, 2017
57
Then you're not paying attention, at all.

1. Men are not systemically oppressed like women via institutionalized sexism.
2. There is nowhere near the same culture surrounding men in this context.
3. The reason mansplaining is a thing is because of the above two points, just because some women might condescend men sometimes too does not make "womansplaining" a thing.

You need some more context in your life.
Womansplaining is indeed a thing you just don’t see it in public as it happens behind closed doors between married folks. As a married man of nearly a decade I can tell you I get womansplained to on a near daily basis. In the technical sense though that might be wifesplaining. That said I think momsplaining works in this particular scenario and rolls off the tongue better. Not to toot my own horn or anything.
 

astro

Member
Oct 25, 2017
16,032
Womansplaining is indeed a thing you just don’t see it in public as it happens behind closed doors between married folks. As a married man of nearly a decade I can tell you I get womansplained to on a near daily basis. That said I think momsplaining works in this particular scenario and rolls off the tongue better. Not to toot my own horn or anything.
Read the post you quoted.

Just because it might happen doesn't make it a "thing". It literally doesn't matter about your anecdotes.

The reason mansplaining IS a thing is because of the culture of sexism surrounding it and the fact women are oppressed by it.
 
Oct 26, 2017
3,400
Yeah, me and my brother got some very weird looks at the hospital when we took his older son (2.5 years old) for a walk so that his Girlfriend could feed their newborn in peace.

Fucking sexist and homophobic cunts the lot of them.
 
Dec 18, 2017
2,697
Then you're not paying attention, at all.

1. Men are not systemically oppressed like women via institutionalized sexism.
2. There is nowhere near the same culture surrounding men in this context.
3. The reason mansplaining is a thing is because of the above two points, just because some women might condescend men sometimes too does not make "womansplaining" a thing.

You need some more context in your life.
You can repeat this in a dozen different wordings and I still won't be convinced. No need for further lectures as I won't be reading them.
 

astro

Member
Oct 25, 2017
16,032
Yeah, me and my brother got some very weird looks at the hospital when we took his older son (2.5 years old) for a walk so that his Girlfriend could feed their newborn in peace.

Fucking sexist and homophobic cunts the lot of them.
Cunt is probably not the word you want to be using when calling out this kind of sexism, lol.


You can repeat this in a dozen different wordings and I still won't be convinced. No need for further lectures as I won't be reading them.
Then you're ignoring simple truths in favour of sustaining your own ignorant world view.

Have fun with that.
 

Power Shot

Member
Oct 27, 2017
528
I will also say there is another side to this too. Because men are seen as incompetent caregivers, whenever we do something right we get tons of praise. My in laws especially give me so much credit for doing things like soothing my daughter when she’s upset and changing diapers. My wife is just expected to do those things, and do them well.
I'd like to second this, too. When I take the boy out to give my wife some alone time, I'm treated like a saint. I know my wife does way more work than me with the kid (she's stay at home and I work full time whIle we wait for a slot to open up at my job's day care), but people seem amazed I even want to spend time with my kid. Other dads I'm friends with have similar issues, but fortunately I think it's a generational thing. Give it time, and dads should hopefully have equal treatment with their kids.

I wish I had had real paternity leave, though. My job laid me off before my kid was born, and I spent a month after he was born before I landed my current, better job.
 

Clefargle

Member
Oct 25, 2017
6,677
Limburg
I mean, I don’t have kids but I’ve witnessed many women in my family giving each other advice and offering to soothe the babies when they aren’t happy. It feels like this person is taking some of this personally.