I find myself becoming increasingly burnt out. About 18 years of practice spread over two states and basically three jobs, the last of which I've been at for 4 years. Almost entirely public service. The past 8 months I've been in management essentially rebuilding my team after 50% turn over without replacement over the pandemic and at the end of 2020. All while maintainIng my own caseload which has included a recent federal jury trial that I won. It turns out that a good portion of the team who stayed were not nearly as progressed in their career as previous managment thought and I have had to basically pull cases from attorneys older than I am and sideline them on all but simple matters. Some of the errors have resulted in significantly increased settlements. I've made errors myself due to exhaustion but they have only cost time not money, thankfully, but I do feel embarrased and a failure as a leader. The good news is that the people I have hired, 6 attorneys and 2 paralegals, have all been really outstanding from one out of lawschool to several 30+ year lawyers, and the cases that have had issues were from before my management period, it just takes that long for issues to become apparent due to delayed court rulings. I feel like a 100 loss baseball general manager who took over a gutted team and has to flip half their roster using draft picks. We are much better today than Jan 1 and in 2020 and even 2019 but we are still having real issues and I'm just worn out. it has come at a significant emotional cost to me. I find no joy in really anything and haven't for months, outside my family (including a 6 month old and 2 older kids). I can't exercise, I find no joy in cooking, I can't listen to music. Some video games, some movies- music and exercise allows too much room for ruminating. Just a deep deep funk. I've lost 10 pounds due to stress over the summer due to not being able to eat for significant periods.
I'm wondering what its like to have a regular attorney job, out of the public sector, outside of the movers and shakers not be in the know on big issues (including cases that have had threads in this forum), just a regular bill 1800-2000 hours job at some firm with a bunch of names that no one outside of law has ever heard of. Could I be happy in something like that, just a worker bee at a firm? I am too risk averse to go solo and I don't have the killer instinct required to be a plaintiff's attorney (the dirtyness I've seen lately from some in the plaintiff's bar out for money has been really illuminating lately). I don't know. I really need a vacation, that's for sure. I know someone whose wife is the breadwinner, works with my wife, and her husband just left the law after moving to Texas and has really done nothing for years. I wondered how you could get to that point and I think I see it now.
Thanks for the read, needed catharsis.
