Tomorrow i'm going to tell my dad I don't want anymore contact with him

[Star-Lord]

Hello everybody,

So over the course of a year an a half I have made threads about my life issues and it all stems around my parents separation. My dad growing up was a shit dad, i'm the second child and my brother was favored to the point I would get yelled at and have things thrown out because I didn't obey. I grew up hating my dad, he threw a bike at me and the verbal abuse eventually made realize I don't hate him but feel sorry for him. That anger is towards something deeper and I never knew why. Fast forward a year an a half ago my dad had been having affair with a married women who also has a family for at first was assumed to be a few weeks turned out he was lying and almost half a year. When this occurred he refused to leave the house saying it's his house and I can't talk back to him. I left the house and live with my grandparents with my mom now. She's gone through so much heart ache almost 30 years of marriage down the drain. What hurts the most is how he treats her, like a pile of shit. He won't respond to her messages and instead messages my brother and drag out this process for this long.

He's lied to her about how much he makes and has been seeing the same girl from previous but lies to me and my brother. My brother and dad works for police and my brother sometimes picks up shifts at his department and tells my brother about his young lady and how happy my dad is and is going to fancy dinners with her with bills over 300 dollars. How do I know this because my mom and dad still have a joint account and he makes larger purchases in that account. In the past 3 months he's spent over 3000 on new furniture and appliances but doesn't want to pay my mom nor give her any of her stuff. He is keeping the bed room set, dining room, kitchen, downstairs and all the outdoor equipment and my mom is only getting a handful amount of things. What hurts is how he knows i'm living with my mom so he's making things hard for me as well. My dad makes 3 times the amount my mom does but she had to buy a bed for my grandparents my dad pay 30 bucks and my mom paid the rest, he also takes my old mattress from my house and take it to work but suggested before i come back and live with him. He also doesn't tell me if I get mail at the house and I have to do most of the texting to see how he does but he'll guilt trip by sending messages saying miss you son and you don't ever come to see me. He's told my brother that i'm ignoring him and he doesn't love me, when I confront him about this he denies it saying, "oh no son I would never say that." I ask if he's seeing someone lies and tell me the same thing.

How can I have a relationship with someone who doesn't seem to care about me and seems more interested in his new love then his own children. My brother got married and had a small wedding where cousins were not invited my dad's side of the family said he's a disgrace to our last name and my dad said he would never forgive his sister for this action yet I see them going on trips and family days with them. Yet he has never asked me to do stuff expect come to the house which has my stuff that I bought there. I asked him to see a movie and i had to pay for the tickets which cost me $40 and he never payed me back or suggest paying while he makes close to 4000 every paycheck. If he cared he would try and make sure i'm okay mentality and financially but he doesn't. At my brother's rehearsal dinner he called me out saying you never come to visit and how do you think I feel and i told him dad it's not easy i'm busy and i'm not in good space and my brother had to step in. It was embarrassing all her family saw this and I broke down afterwards. At his wedding he gave me the silent treatment and barely talked to me for the first half of the day.

Tomorrow me and my mom are collecting the stuff from the house, i'm so nervous and scared to talk to him about my feelings and he's told my mom he expects us only to be an hour since he has work and doesn't want us there when he's not there. I'm going to pack my stuff and both me and my brother are going to tell him our feelings. I've tried telling my feelings before and he's gotten up and walked away or told me to grow up before. I don't know how this will play out but I hope it goes better then I hope.
I just wanted to say thanks to this forum, I've dealt with depression for most of this year and had suicidal thoughts and still do at times but I know I won't act, having a therapist has helped but honestly having this forum to relate and get my mind off of it has been a blessing.Sorry if this is long and the grammar is awful but I just wanted to vent about this terrible situation.

 

[Lashes.541]

As sad as it is, sometimes you have to cut off contact with family. I have not had contact with my older brother in over a decade. He is a sociopath, and I don't mean that as a joke, I'm deadly serious! And the contact I have with my own father is pretty loose, he is a descent human being. But we both live in completely different worlds so it's hard to see eye to eye with him. I'm sorry you have to deal with such a shitty situation.

 

[Ramala]

There is no requirement to keep toxic people in your life, even family.

 

[Grizzel Greedigut]

Do what you gotta do, just dont alienate the rest of the family. Good luck! (I have abandoned my entire family but it was worth it)

 

[rokkerkory]

Best of luck sounds like ur doing the right thing

 

[Phoenom]

Blood is thicker than water, but both can be poisoned. I feel for you OP, cut my oldest brother out of my life a decade ago and couldn't be happier for doing so. Horrible people just aren't worth your time, regardless of their relation to you.

 

[TaySan]

Blood don't mean jack. Cut the toxic out of your life.

 

[Deleted member 21709]

Remember, you are not alone.

 

[Deleted member 6263]

Heartbreaking read, I'm sorry you and your family are going through this. Thank you for sharing/venting, I'm hoping it helped just to get some of that off your chest. One of my coworkers went through a very similar situation, but she was the mom, so I sorta get where your headspace is.

I don't really have much to add, just hoping for the best with your dad because it sounds like he needs a come-to-Jesus moment. Hopefully he sees the heartache he has caused, and I'm trusting that you'll only grow during this difficult time. Best of luck when you talk with him.

 

[theme park joe]

Make sure you sever your dad and your mom's finances immediately. Even if this is just her getting her own account to direct deposit to so you can figure shit out late. Money is hard and the first step.

I'm sorry you have to go through this and deal with him, you and your mother deserve better.

 

[Star-Lord]

Thanks everybody so far, I just find it hard to sleep right now before tomorrow.

 

[DrScruffleton]

I hope everything works out for you OP. I did this about 10 years ago with my dad, but it was not planned out at all. He cheated on my mom multiple times, she would let him back in and he would just do it again. Finally one time his leaving stuck. Then we just started drifting apart. He would promise to come see me or do things and then just never show up or come through. Eventually I found out he was living with a new girlfriend and she had a kid he would hang out with. I had enough at that point. I didn't even do it in person. Wrote a scathing email to him telling him he wasn't worth the time and he was a failure as a father. Basically told him to fuck off forever. He tried to contact me for like 3 years and I never responded and then it eventually stopped. Haven't heard from him since. Sometimes I get curious where he's at so I google him. Now he's married living in a different state from when I last talked to him. He's moved on.

just gotta stay strong and don't give in if he tries to make amends all of a sudden. You got this. Cutting him out of your life is for the better it sounds like

 

[nsilvias]

do what you gotta do.

 

[Lunar Wolf]

Do whatever is necessary. Change your surname if you think that helps distance yourself from your father.

I've thought about if it wasn't for the fact that I'm an only child with a large inheritance coming my way once he bites it in a decade or two.

 

[Strelok]

I always find it strange how Era always encourages people to sever all ties with family, I get that some people are toxic, but still I would never do that, I understand distancing yourself from them, but pretending family doesn't exist I'll never be able to do, maybe it's a cultural thing, idk.

 

[Gamer @ Heart]

I always find it strange how Era always encourages people to sever all ties with family, I get that some people are toxic, but still I would never do that, I understand distancing yourself from them, but pretending family doesn't exist I'll never be able to do, maybe it's a cultural thing, idk.

Click to shrink...

You really can't understand why a adult person would choose to disassociate with people that cause them suffering? A person isn't entitled to your love and support it's something you choose to give.

My dad is a depressed alcoholic Trumper who I finally had enough with. He didn't beat me. He didn't abuse my mother. My relationship was that I endured his eccentric personality that embarrassed and angered me at times, and he paid for trips and vacations occasionally. But since moving out, every week his calls were more and more painful to bear, on top of the fact that this man I already didn't respect sunk lower and lower in my esteem. So I stopped taking his calls. I'm not pretending he doesn't exist, but choosing not to engage is an important choice too many people are scared of taking become of some obligation that exists only in their head.

 

[bobeth]

You only have one life to live OP, don't waste your time with people that have no respect for you, whoever they are.

 

[Strelok]

You really can't understand why a adult person would choose to disassociate with people that cause them suffering? A person isn't entitled to your love and support it's something you choose to give.

My dad is a depressed alcoholic Trumper who I finally had enough with. He didn't beat me. He didn't abuse my mother. My relationship was that I endured his eccentric personality that embarrassed and angered me at times, and he paid for trips and vacations occasionally. But since moving out, every week his calls were more and more painful to bear, on top of the fact that this man I already didn't respect sunk lower and lower in my esteem. So I stopped taking his calls. I'm not pretending he doesn't exist, but choosing not to engage is an important choice too many people are scared of taking become of some obligation that exists only in their head.

Click to shrink...

I get the need to distance yourself, but to me, family aren't just people, you can refuse to do certain things or whatnot unttil they get their shit together, but I won't give up on them because they have a problem, not trying to judge, but I would feel like an asshole not talking to my father anymore because he is depressed, but like I said, it seems like a cultural thing, it just ain't how I was raised.

 

[TechnicPuppet]

It sounds like you are doing the right thing and have thought it through. It's not easy. Good luck.

 

[ohlawd]

I get the need to distance yourself, but to me, family aren't just people, you can refuse to do certain things or whatnot unttil they get their shit together, but I won't give up on them because they have a problem, not trying to judge, but I would feel like an asshole not talking to my father anymore because he is depressed, but like I said, it seems like a cultural thing, it just ain't how I was raised.

Click to shrink...

read the way the dad reacted last time OP tried to talk to him. they're making the right call. shit people are shit, including family. people are miserable for so long because they stay in a bad situation when they could disengage and focus on the real things that matter

 

[Star-Lord]

I always find it strange how Era always encourages people to sever all ties with family, I get that some people are toxic, but still I would never do that, I understand distancing yourself from them, but pretending family doesn't exist I'll never be able to do, maybe it's a cultural thing, idk.

Click to shrink...

That's how I felt but the amount of guilt he would put on me for a situation he caused was awful, I would stay up for nights crying thinking why am I terrible son but yet no effort was put into him arranging dates to meet up instead everything relied on me which is unfair for one person to have all that on them.

 

[Travo]

OP, don't expect him to listen when you talk to him. I fear you may not get the closure you are looking for. If he's not responsive and listening, don't be afraid to just move on.

 

[boontobias]

Blood is thicker than water, OP...

The full quote is The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb. Narcissists and abusers need consequences. Ghost him.

 

[Sir Hound]

I haven't seen my dad in 15 years and it was one of the better decisions of my life. Stay strong.

 

[CaviarMeths]

I always find it strange how Era always encourages people to sever all ties with family, I get that some people are toxic, but still I would never do that, I understand distancing yourself from them, but pretending family doesn't exist I'll never be able to do, maybe it's a cultural thing, idk.

Click to shrink...

I have several adopted siblings. Growing up with them has taught me one very valuable lesson.

You choose your own family. I truly believe that in every sense of the phrase.

 

[CanUKlehead]

Blood is thicker than water, OP...

The full quote is The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb. Narcissists and abusers need consequences. Ghost him.

Click to shrink...

That's great. Learned something new. Reminds me of reading about how the full 'seize the day' quote is actually like 'seize the day...to prepare for your future', which is the opposite of how everyone takes it as.

OT: Good luck, OP. Can't be an easy choice but the fact that you've made this decision reflects how badly things have been. Here' to better days. Also, see if you can get low-cost or free therapy if you need further help processing the experience (am also biased about this point, so ignore otherwise).

 

[TheGhost]

Sorry to hear this OP
You have to do what's best for your mental health.
But idk....like I'm the black sheep of my family, the lone democrat amongst 40+ republicans. So we disagree sometimes on things. But end of the day I have a lot more good days and memories than bad with them.

but....if for some reason that ratio was different, more bad days than good? Then yeah i would probably find myself in your shoes OP.
you have to do what's best for you and your mom. Especially your mother.

 

[Seirith]

I always find it strange how Era always encourages people to sever all ties with family, I get that some people are toxic, but still I would never do that, I understand distancing yourself from them, but pretending family doesn't exist I'll never be able to do, maybe it's a cultural thing, idk.

Click to shrink...

Family is only family because one person had sex with someone else and a child was born, that does not mean your family or even parents are good people or people who have anything in common with you.

I happen to love my parents dearly and see them several times a week but I have nothing in common with my extended family and I have not seen them in many years. I have not seen my FIL in over a year and either has my husband because he is an abusive, bible thumbing, Trump loving, generally rude person who only wanted money from me and my husband (he asked us for 5k to buy a car at my MIL's memorial service and got mad when my husband said no.)

OP- Good luck, I hope that you are able to find the peace you need and deserve without your father in your life. Do not allow him to make you feel like a bad or unworthy person.

 

[fontguy]

.

 

[greepoman]

I get the need to distance yourself, but to me, family aren't just people, you can refuse to do certain things or whatnot unttil they get their shit together, but I won't give up on them because they have a problem, not trying to judge, but I would feel like an asshole not talking to my father anymore because he is depressed, but like I said, it seems like a cultural thing, it just ain't how I was raised.

Click to shrink...

Would you not say there's a point at which if a family member is physically abusive enough you have to cut off contact? It's the same with emotional abuse too. There's a point for everyone, even you. It's just hard for you to imagine if you haven't been treated like garbage every single day. No one was raised to abandon their family...that's what makes it so difficult.

OP I did something similar and be prepared for the worst. I got basically no emotional reaction at all just basically an "ok that's your choice bye". Of all the ways I played it out in my head I didn't expect that and it crushed me. Best choice I ever made though..good luck.

 

[GatsGatsby]

I've had to do that with my own father OP. Given the things you've said you're doing it for the best and I hope you continue your therapy to help you through this since I believe this will be more difficult for you then it was for me.

 

[metalslimer]

I love how people who haven't had truly, horribly toxic people and abusers in their lives feel the need to announce their lack of comprehension in discussions like these. Like the asshats who come into every thread about a defective game or piece of hardware to declare "works fine for me lol." Not every discussion needs your input.

OP, I cut a toxic loved one out of my life earlier this year. It wasn't fun, but it was the best decision I've made in a long time. I wish you the best of luck.

Click to shrink...

Completely agreed. The OP needs support not random complaints about Era.

 

[Deleted member 3093]

I'm terribly sorry that you experienced this, OP. I really hope that things go as smooth as they can for tomorrow, and if you need to talk, my DMs are open.

I get the need to distance yourself, but to me, family aren't just people, you can refuse to do certain things or whatnot unttil they get their shit together, but I won't give up on them because they have a problem, not trying to judge, but I would feel like an asshole not talking to my father anymore because he is depressed, but like I said, it seems like a cultural thing, it just ain't how I was raised.

Click to shrink...

This is a really unhealthy approach, tbh. You're essentially advocating that someone stay in a physically and mentally abusive relationship for the sole benefit of the abuser. "I'm depressed" and "I'm depressed, therefore I will hurt you" are two different things, and no human gets a pass on the latter.

 

[Deleted member 22901]

Good luck OP. Cutting ties with a family member is never easy, I hope this brings you some peace of mind.

I get the impression that people who never grew up with a toxic/abusive family member don't even really understand just how horrible it is. I will never, ever look down on someone for making the decision to cut ties with an abusive family member. Anyone who has been through this has experienced the self doubt and guilt from even considering the option. It's an incredibly brave decision.

 

[Sacrilicious]

I get the need to distance yourself, but to me, family aren't just people, you can refuse to do certain things or whatnot unttil they get their shit together, but I won't give up on them because they have a problem, not trying to judge, but I would feel like an asshole not talking to my father anymore because he is depressed, but like I said, it seems like a cultural thing, it just ain't how I was raised.

Click to shrink...

It goes far beyond culture, and it doesn't matter "how you were raised". This kind of mentality pressures people to stay in abusive relationships and it comes from people who don't know what it's like to live in the black hole of drama that surrounds toxic people.

OP, do what you need to do. Considering how long this has gone on, and how negatively it has impacted you and your family, you have every right. A good therapist can be extremely helpful in these situations.

It's extraordinarily difficult at first but it ended up dramatically improving the lives of everyone else in my family.

 

[Faintcolt388301]

I don't talk to my mother any more. She's the most toxic person I've ever met. I didn't block her out of respect but if she ever contacts me I just ignore it. There are a few things coming up like my masters graduation or my grandfather's funeral where I'll see her. And I'll allow her to say hi or take a picture but that's as far as it goes. It stinks to turn my back on her after she's raised me but I don't have any obligation to put up with her nonsense and will refuse to do so. Her actions have lost her the right to have a relationship with me. And I'm way more happy without her in my life.

 

[Mizeris Lutz Ether Lanai]

Don't be nervous. Be glad you're strong enough to take this step, and optimistic that after tomorrow you'll be free of am emotional vampire. You can only get stronger from here.

Just don't fall for any guilt trips or emotional manipulation. Some people can't take responsibility for the way they treat others.

 

[Tigress]

I get the need to distance yourself, but to me, family aren't just people, you can refuse to do certain things or whatnot unttil they get their shit together, but I won't give up on them because they have a problem, not trying to judge, but I would feel like an asshole not talking to my father anymore because he is depressed, but like I said, it seems like a cultural thing, it just ain't how I was raised.

Click to shrink...

As some one said, family is just family cause some people had sex. If they are abusive and toxic to you, it is not healthy to stay in contact with them and honestly, they are not worthy of the person's emotional health trying to stay with them for the toxic person's benefit. The asshole is the toxic person who pushed the other person away. And the fault lies solely with the abuser.

Good luck OP. Cutting ties with a family member is never easy, I hope this brings you some peace of mind.

I get the impression that people who never grew up with a toxic/abusive family member don't even really understand just how horrible it is. I will never, ever look down on someone for making the decision to cut ties with an abusive family member. Anyone who has been through this has experienced the self doubt and guilt from even considering the option. It's an incredibly brave decision.

Click to shrink...

Hey not all of us are like that. Ive grown up in a loving family but I can completely understand cutting ties off with a family member who is toxic to you. I also think it must be really hard to do so, even if they are toxic. So usually at the point some one does this it shows how toxic the person was.

 

[Dis]

Yep I would say do it if you feel its what you need OP, don't let others try and talk you out of what you feel is best just because of some old outdated bullshit about family having to stick together, I have 5 brothers and sisters, and I cut my younger brother out of my life about 4 years ago now, I haven't seen him or even said a word to him since, and it was the best thing I could do, then a couple of years ago also cut my sister out of my life, again best thing I could have done. Sometimes you don't realise just how much harder certain people make your life and how much they negatively effect your wellbeing until you cut them out and then you feel a huge weight off your shoulders.

People tell me all the time that bullshit "blood is thicker than water" or the "they're your family!" Shit as if that somehow means I should be in contact with people who are toxic and caused nothing but issues in my life just because I'm related to them. Why people feel that you have to let people who do nothing but make your life worse stay in contact or a part of your life because you're related is something I will never understand, they aren't special, they are the same as any other person I meet, if someone treats me life shit then fuck them.

Plus the idea that family has to be forgiven and shit no matter what leads to those people never learning that the way they act isn't ok and they just keep doing it.

 

[Conkersbadfurday]

Good luck to you, OP. Gonna echo what someone said and say get the money thing sorted ASAP. Even if it's just your mother opening a private account.

If you can't trust your dad to love you, then you shouldn't trust him to not steal from you.

 

[Thuddert]

All the more power to you OP. Hope it brings you good.

 

[Raguel]

I get the need to distance yourself, but to me, family aren't just people, you can refuse to do certain things or whatnot unttil they get their shit together, but I won't give up on them because they have a problem, not trying to judge, but I would feel like an asshole not talking to my father anymore because he is depressed, but like I said, it seems like a cultural thing, it just ain't how I was raised.

Click to shrink...

What an idiotic assessment. You're literally saying to someone in an abusive relationship that they should stay in it bc of reasons. Get the fuck out of here with that.

And don't use that bullshit cultural thing as an excuse. I'm asian. I was raised to place family above all and thankfully I've never had to go through what Star-Lord had to go through. But you better believe that if my father or whoever pulls that bullshit, my siblings and I would ditch that bitch-made asshole.

Star-Lord sorry you have to go through all this. It's prob one of the most difficult things anyone has to go through. But you are making a right decision. Be strong and support your mother. Live a good and rich life. That's the best way to show your father how much of a shit heel he is.

 

[Star-Lord]

Update: I did it and my brother as well, we talked for over an hour and my dad just sat there not saying much. We left and said we will talk to him one day but we all need to focus on ourself.
The worse part of the day is finding out my 4k tv is cracked and broken.... 1500 down the drain... I barely used it this whole year. Had a 55 4k Sony 900e and now gotta look for a new TV. Hows the sony 950g?

 

[Servbot24]

Do everything you can to stick with your family even if they don't deserve it. But there also comes a point where you have to look out for yourself first. Sounds like you did your best OP.

 

[BrucCLea13k87]

You're doing the right thing. I've tried to distance myself from my mom. She is know where near as bad as your dad, but she makes me miserable and causes me mental anguish.

 

[Katten]

In a situation where I am cutting my mom off currently. It isn't easy, but from you posts, you seem to be doing the right thing.

 

[Seirith]

I get the need to distance yourself, but to me, family aren't just people, you can refuse to do certain things or whatnot unttil they get their shit together, but I won't give up on them because they have a problem, not trying to judge, but I would feel like an asshole not talking to my father anymore because he is depressed, but like I said, it seems like a cultural thing, it just ain't how I was raised.

Click to shrink...

So when in your opinion is it ok to not speak to a family member?

 

[Deleted member 19003]

You're not alone, OP: https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/