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TransEra |ERA1| We're People, Okay?

Oct 25, 2017
3,455
Its not so much physical as it is social. Even though I'd rather be a woman, I don't think of myself as one, because I was raised and have lived my whole life as a man.

Like going back to the hypothetical button test, yeah I'd press it, but even if I became a woman physically, I'd still feel like a fake or an imposter on account of not growing up as a girl.
I'll definitely echo what others have said and let you know that it's never too late to transition if you feel that's right for you.

It's pretty understandable to have feelings of feeling like a fake or an imposter, but no matter how you've grown up, you're not an imposter. The thing to keep in mind is that there is no singular woman experience that you can point to. If someone grows up as a rich, white woman in New York, she's going to have very different experiences than someone who grows up poor in India. No one is going to look at either of these women and say "You have to have suffered in these exact ways" or "You have to have grown up the same way I did" in order to say that either one of them is a woman. They just are women. And if you identify as a woman, so are you.

It looks like there's a pretty hefty discussion going on right now, but let me introduce myself. I'm Chelsea, and I'm trans as hell.
Hey Chelsea, welcome to the thread!
 

Ushiromiya

Alt-account
Member
Dec 6, 2018
296
Well, when I say “some youth” I mean I’m in my 30s. I’m GUESSING you’re at least a decade younger, and I’m also guessing in a decade if you don’t do anything you’ll look back and go “why didn’t I just transition then?” Or at least think about that “what if.”
I'm in my early 20s. And yeah I could maybe see regretting things down the line, but I could also see myself regretting transition as well. Spending a lot of time, effort, and money chasing something that I could never achieve.

They just are women. And if you identify as a woman, so are you.
I don't though. I have always seen my feelings as simply a fantasy or wish, not an identity. For me its "I want to be a woman", not "I am a woman".

In the end think I'd probably be better off just living my life as a feminine gay man, and maybe getting some help with my body image and intimacy issues.

Thanks for the advice though.
 
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Oct 25, 2017
59
I mean if we're talking purely fantasy scenarios, I would definitely press such a button (although tbh I would rather have a button that would let me restart my life from the beginning but as a girl). IRL though I don't think I'd really want to transition given the limitations of current technology.

I guess I'll copy what I posted in the LGBT community thread to provide a bit more clarity regarding my situation.




I guess the big issue I have is that these feelings didn't really start until adolescence. I can think of a few vague instances when I was a young kid where I wanted to be a girl, but it didn't become a major obsession until like age 13 or 14. Hence why I've always believed my feelings to just be a bizarre kink in my sexuality.
No one but you can say whether or not you're trans... but you sounds super trans.
 
Oct 25, 2017
1,623
I'm in my early 20s. And yeah I could maybe see regretting things down the line, but I could also see myself regretting transition as well. Spending a lot of time, effort, and money chasing something that I could never achieve.



I don't though. I have always seen my feelings as simply a fantasy or wish, not an identity. For me its "I want to be a woman", not "I am a woman".

In the end think I'd probably be better off just living my life as a feminine gay man, and maybe getting some help with my body image and intimacy issues.

Thanks for the advice though.
It's up to you, but you sure sound super trans. You are a great age to start transitioning.
You aren't going to get a better chance than this one.

All of us started with the wish to be a women to accepting ourselves for what we are.
If you are indeed trans, trying to improve your body image isn't going to help you with dysphoria.

At the very least you should experiment some more.
Like trying on make or girl's clothes and figure out how you feel about it.
 

Ushiromiya

Alt-account
Member
Dec 6, 2018
296
It's up to you, but you sure sound super trans. You are a great age to start transitioning.
You aren't going to get a better chance than this one.

All of us started with the wish to be a women to accepting ourselves for what we are.
If you are indeed trans, trying to improve your body image isn't going to help you with dysphoria.

At the very least you should experiment some more.
Like trying on make or girl's clothes and figure out how you feel about it.
Well, if we're being fully honest, I already do take cross-sex hormones to prevent hair loss (bad genetics sadly). I dress as effeminate as I can without attracting too much negative attention (long hair, earrings, nail polish, very light make-up, womens' jeans) and I have for several years. I'm also getting cosmetic surgery next year to change some things I've always disliked about my face (chin and jaw mostly).

But I don't think I would ever actually transition or try and "present" as a woman, change my name, or ask people to use female pronouns. Like I said I'd just feel like I was deceiving people or trying to get them to humor me.
 
Oct 25, 2017
1,623
But I don't think I would ever actually transition or try and "present" as a woman, change my name, or ask people to use female pronouns. Like I said I'd just feel like I was deceiving people or trying to get them to humor me.
Sounds like internalised trans phobia.
We all have to deal with that to some extent.

The real questions are, do you want to use a female name and pronouns?
Do you want that people treat you like a woman?
 
Oct 25, 2017
1,195
Well, if we're being fully honest, I already do take cross-sex hormones to prevent hair loss (bad genetics sadly). I dress as effeminate as I can without attracting too much negative attention (long hair, earrings, nail polish, very light make-up, womens' jeans) and I have for several years. I'm also getting cosmetic surgery next year to change some things I've always disliked about my face (chin and jaw mostly).

But I don't think I would ever actually transition or try and "present" as a woman, change my name, or ask people to use female pronouns. Like I said I'd just feel like I was deceiving people or trying to get them to humor me.
I would never tell someone what their identity is, but your story sounds very trans, to me. If I'm reading your reasoning correctly, it sounds like the main reason you don't want to label yourself such, or transition, is fear and uncertainty. Which is entirely understandable, but take that out of the equation for just a second: would you rather be a girl? Would you be happier if other people saw you as a girl? If the answer is yes, you may want to seriously consider the possibility. The FUD is normal. But, speaking for myself, though I think many others also feel this way - I would 10000x rather live with the FUD than try to repress myself. You'll only end up regretting that later on down the road as more time wasted.

But, as I said, I can't make that call for you, and I don't know you. But that feeling of being an impostor or whatever, not feeling "woman" enough - literally every trans person lives with that. But there is no essential femininity, gender is a spectrum. We're all valid.
 

Ushiromiya

Alt-account
Member
Dec 6, 2018
296
Sounds like internalised trans phobia.
We all have to deal with that to some extent.

The real questions are, do you want to use a female name and pronouns?
Do you want that people treat you like a woman?
It depends. If people referred to me as a woman because that is what they actually saw me as, then I would like that. But if they were only doing it to be polite or respectful, well that wouldn't really mean much.

But I don't think I could ever actually ask people to call me a woman or go into womens' spaces, because I see myself as a man.

I would never tell someone what their identity is, but your story sounds very trans, to me. If I'm reading your reasoning correctly, it sounds like the main reason you don't want to label yourself such, or transition, is fear and uncertainty. Which is entirely understandable, but take that out of the equation for just a second: would you rather be a girl? Would you be happier if other people saw you as a girl?
Yes and yes. But I don't see myself as a girl so I would never expect anyone else too.
 
Oct 25, 2017
1,623
It depends. If people referred to me as a woman because that is what they actually saw me as, then I would like that. But if they were only doing it to be polite or respectful, well that wouldn't really mean much.

But I don't think I could ever actually ask people to call me a woman or go into womens' spaces, because I see myself as a man.

Yes and yes. But I don't see myself as a girl so I would never expect anyone else too.
People that don't belive you are most likely either ignortant or assholes and you shouldn't let people like that get in the way of your happiness.
That feeling of "not being a women" is something you can work on, but the feeling of wanting to be one is never truely going away for trans women.

May I suggest spending more time in trans spaces?
If you tell trans people that you want to use female pronouns etc they will do it and they will belive you.
Figure out how much you like it. Maybe you will belive it soon enough as well.
It's also a very supportive community.

Also, a nice fact that might help you (but keep in mind this is an oversimplification):
Trans women basically have female brains (the reverse is also true for trans man).
That's also (usually) were this feeling of wanting to be/ being a women comes from.
 
Oct 25, 2017
1,369
I still think Bumblebee getting a movie is a weird choice, but y'know, if it fixes the movie series I won't complain...
I know I grew up on Transformers and sometimes wonder if the transforming vehicles resonated with me on a primal level, but I’m not sure what that has to do with trans people? :P
 
Oct 25, 2017
12,518
I know I grew up on Transformers and sometimes wonder if the transforming vehicles resonated with me on a primal level, but I’m not sure what that has to do with trans people? :P
...Well if you all want to talk transformers I'm down.

Others ill be rolling out of this thread.
 

Ushiromiya

Alt-account
Member
Dec 6, 2018
296
May I suggest spending more time in trans spaces?
If you tell trans people that you want to use female pronouns etc they will do it and they will belive you.
Figure out how much you like it. Maybe you will belive it soon enough as well.
It's also a very supportive community.
There really aren't any trans communities around where I live. Closest would probably be in Chicago but that's 3 hours away.
 

WaffleTaco

Community Resettler
Member
Oct 25, 2017
2,594
Ushiromiya You should probably consult a gender therapist if you can. You have said you have gender dysphoria and display a lot of commonalities with a person who is transgender.
 

Ushiromiya

Alt-account
Member
Dec 6, 2018
296
Ushiromiya You should probably consult a gender therapist if you can. You have said you have gender dysphoria and display a lot of commonalities with a person who is transgender.
Unfortunately I've had some very bad experiences with the medical community to the point that I don't think I could fully trust a doctor or therapist ever again. Back in middle school my therapist outed me to my parents which wasn't a fun time, and in college another one had me hospitalized against my will which cost me my job and lose a semester.
 
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WaffleTaco

Community Resettler
Member
Oct 25, 2017
2,594
Unfortunately I've had some very bad experiences with the medical community to the point that I don't think I could fully trust a doctor or therapist ever again.
I’m guessing you are specifically talking about psychological issues. That’s the issue here. I don’t think any of us are trained mental health professionals, so the most we can do is speak from experience. I believe the majority of trans women in here have said they have very similar experiences as to how you feel, I include myself in this majority. The point I’m trying to make is that you might have to try talking to a therapist again. I know you don’t like the sound of that, and I know that I don’t know your background or bad experiences, but that’s what I suggest.
 
Unfortunately I've had some very bad experiences with the medical community to the point that I don't think I could fully trust a doctor or therapist ever again. Back in middle school my therapist outed me to my parents which wasn't a fun time, and in college another one had me hospitalized against my will which cost me my job and lose a semester.
That sucks, and I'm sorry you had to go through all that. I still think its gonna be worth seeing someone with

I'm not trans but in the past year I found out I prefer presenting femininely, long hair, makeup, lipstick, heels, women's clothing, using the higher register of my voice. I still identify as a man but have pondered if I could be nonbinary, but am otherwise fine with my identity and body.

So I understand everyone is different and experiences things differently but...what you described sounds way more deep and intense than anything I ever felt, and think you do need to talk to someone about it.
 
Oct 30, 2017
66
There was a time that I was misgendered all of the time. It felt horrible and led me to being even more insular than I was before that point. Now, years have passed and I am rarely ever misgendered. Even on the phone.

The thing is that now it feels like being misgendered messes with me even more. I know that it is ultimately up to me to not let the words of others devestate and destroy my emotional state, but before, it felt like, "What do you expect?". Now it feels like they have been simply humoring me this entire time. Like, was I doing better or was the world around me just nicer than when things were worse?

My wife had surgery last week and I had to deal with her being misgendered left and right because she comes from a state that won't allow her to change her birth certificate and she also had not taken the time to change her ID because she is always working. No one did it to me but I thought that this one person did at one point and I just went off of a cliff because she seemed so nice and supportive up to that point. I was in the last day of class, today and I again thought that someone said "His" when referring to me. The entire term has been wonderful in that regard so I am feeling like I am so gun shy that I am jumping at every backfire that I hear out the window.

It just sucks because I feel like I should not still be at this point. I don't know what I expected but it was not the feeling that everyone up to this point has just been playing along. I am doing the thing, everyday. I have confedence but it feels like I will never find emotional security like my wife who never misses a beat when they do it to her at her job and such.

Its like I hear a male pronoun and all of the sudden it is 12 years ago and gay guys are asking me if I am a drag queen all over again. All of my work and gain and progress does nothing to keep me from dropping, emotionally. The best that I can do is to not outwardly respond negatively to people who seem to be trying to be civil and plesant.

Blaming depression or anxiety issues just feels like a crutch.

Thanks for reading. I'm not even sure if I'm asking a question. I just have no other queer outlets besides my therapist.
 
Oct 28, 2017
274
There was a time that I was misgendered all of the time. It felt horrible and led me to being even more insular than I was before that point. Now, years have passed and I am rarely ever misgendered. Even on the phone.

The thing is that now it feels like being misgendered messes with me even more. I know that it is ultimately up to me to not let the words of others devestate and destroy my emotional state, but before, it felt like, "What do you expect?". Now it feels like they have been simply humoring me this entire time. Like, was I doing better or was the world around me just nicer than when things were worse?

My wife had surgery last week and I had to deal with her being misgendered left and right because she comes from a state that won't allow her to change her birth certificate and she also had not taken the time to change her ID because she is always working. No one did it to me but I thought that this one person did at one point and I just went off of a cliff because she seemed so nice and supportive up to that point. I was in the last day of class, today and I again thought that someone said "His" when referring to me. The entire term has been wonderful in that regard so I am feeling like I am so gun shy that I am jumping at every backfire that I hear out the window.

It just sucks because I feel like I should not still be at this point. I don't know what I expected but it was not the feeling that everyone up to this point has just been playing along. I am doing the thing, everyday. I have confedence but it feels like I will never find emotional security like my wife who never misses a beat when they do it to her at her job and such.

Its like I hear a male pronoun and all of the sudden it is 12 years ago and gay guys are asking me if I am a drag queen all over again. All of my work and gain and progress does nothing to keep me from dropping, emotionally. The best that I can do is to not outwardly respond negatively to people who seem to be trying to be civil and plesant.

Blaming depression or anxiety issues just feels like a crutch.

Thanks for reading. I'm not even sure if I'm asking a question. I just have no other queer outlets besides my therapist.
Sorry for the late reply. I hope you feel a bit better by now.
It can be hard to not let it get under your skin when you see a lot of misgendering even if not towards you I think.
 
Oct 30, 2017
66
I do, that whole surgery weekend just took me by surprise. I am sure that the stress of getting this whole short term disability thing settled for her recovery is adding to the stress and amplifying everything that I feel. Misgendering against other transpeople does bother me in the same way that hearing slurs used against other Black people bothers me. I don't care what type of adjective can be placed in front of the Black person in question. If they are the slur, than I am also the slur. So those people in the hospital were misgendering me as well, as far as I am concerned.
 
Oct 27, 2017
98
Germany
How do you deal with those crushing moments of dysphoria?
I'm actually in a pretty good place, but in the last couple of days I can feel this sadness creeping up on me. This feeling of despair and hopeless. Paired with this insane feeling of being alone.
There is actually no reason for this.
Unfortunately it brings with it this insanely dark thoughts and for the first time in a long time the nasty little voice in the back of my mind whispers words of evil... Makes me want to rip my skin off and even worse thoughts.
Since it's late here I can't really call anyone amd I can't and don't want to be a burden on my Mom...
Usually I try to distract myself, but nothing really helps at the moment.....
 
Oct 25, 2017
1,392
How do you deal with those crushing moments of dysphoria?
I'm actually in a pretty good place, but in the last couple of days I can feel this sadness creeping up on me. This feeling of despair and hopeless. Paired with this insane feeling of being alone.
There is actually no reason for this.
Unfortunately it brings with it this insanely dark thoughts and for the first time in a long time the nasty little voice in the back of my mind whispers words of evil... Makes me want to rip my skin off and even worse thoughts.
Since it's late here I can't really call anyone amd I can't and don't want to be a burden on my Mom...
Usually I try to distract myself, but nothing really helps at the moment.....


Wish I could tell you something else but I still don't know how to deal with my Dysphoria 😞.
 
Oct 25, 2017
1,623
How do you deal with those crushing moments of dysphoria?
I'm actually in a pretty good place, but in the last couple of days I can feel this sadness creeping up on me. This feeling of despair and hopeless. Paired with this insane feeling of being alone.
There is actually no reason for this.
Unfortunately it brings with it this insanely dark thoughts and for the first time in a long time the nasty little voice in the back of my mind whispers words of evil... Makes me want to rip my skin off and even worse thoughts.
Since it's late here I can't really call anyone amd I can't and don't want to be a burden on my Mom...
Usually I try to distract myself, but nothing really helps at the moment.....
I hide under a mountain of plushies until I feel better.
Also, PM if you want to talk.
 
Oct 27, 2017
98
Germany
Thanks for the reply. I'm better today, still a little shaky. I can feel the tears right behind my eyes.
But I will be too busy to get lost in my emotions, since I will be preparing the Christmas Dinner for the family tomorrow all day....I hope I won't spoil it by crying into the dough of the cakes 😅
 
Oct 25, 2017
362
Dysphoria has been exceptionally rough lately. Constant misgendering at home and at work (some of my coworkers are supportive, others are... NOT) is leading to a lot of anxiety and self doubt. I'm so done with other people. I just want to leave, but that's not financially an option for me. Hope everybody else is having a decent holiday season, or at least better than me so far.
 
Dec 18, 2018
1,774
Going to be honest - I'm coming to this thread asking for advice. Christmas is tomorrow and I'm closeted to all but my mother and sister.

My grandfather often goes on these rambles at Christmas about how trans people are disgusting and subhuman affronts to God. Every year it stresses me out more and more.

How can I deal with this?
 
Oct 27, 2017
259
If it was me and conversations were going in that direction I would find an excuse for leaving the room. Perhaps you could have your mom or sister try to steer the conversation from those topics if your grandfather starts to ramble.
 
Oct 25, 2017
1,392
Going to be honest - I'm coming to this thread asking for advice. Christmas is tomorrow and I'm closeted to all but my mother and sister.

My grandfather often goes on these rambles at Christmas about how trans people are disgusting and subhuman affronts to God. Every year it stresses me out more and more.

How can I deal with this?
Is it just your grandfather who's like that or are there more family members who think like that? If it's just your grandfather than maybe get your other family members to help you confront him on his shit beliefs (You don't have to tell anyone else you're trans, just that you have empathy for the LGBTQ community)
 
Dec 18, 2018
1,774
Is it just your grandfather who's like that or are there more family members who think like that? If it's just your grandfather than maybe get your other family members to help you confront him on his shit beliefs (You don't have to tell anyone else you're trans, just that you have empathy for the LGBTQ community)
My family would almost certainly side with him because he's so senior in the family, and I'm that child everyone hates
 

Ushiromiya

Alt-account
Member
Dec 6, 2018
296
Going to be honest - I'm coming to this thread asking for advice. Christmas is tomorrow and I'm closeted to all but my mother and sister.

My grandfather often goes on these rambles at Christmas about how trans people are disgusting and subhuman affronts to God. Every year it stresses me out more and more.

How can I deal with this?
I'm not Trans but back before I came out as gay I would use a variation of this line when my family or friends would make homophobic comments:

"I have a transgender friend/cousin, and I don't appreciate your rhetoric. Please stop"

That's about all you can do short of outing yourself. While it won't change anyone's beliefs, it usually gets them to stop, unless they're a completely belligerent asshole, which in that case there's nothing you can do other than cut the person out of your life completely.
 
Oct 25, 2017
1,392
My family would almost certainly side with him because he's so senior in the family, and I'm that child everyone hates
Well...shit im sorry😞. My only other advice is to leave the the room when he starts to go off and take comfort in the fact that he'll be dead soon and you'll be alive and well.

Good luck tomorrow, take all my strength that i can give you over the internet 🙌🙌🙌 and remember there are people who love you.
 
Oct 28, 2017
274
Going to be honest - I'm coming to this thread asking for advice. Christmas is tomorrow and I'm closeted to all but my mother and sister.

My grandfather often goes on these rambles at Christmas about how trans people are disgusting and subhuman affronts to God. Every year it stresses me out more and more.

How can I deal with this?
Did you speak with your mother and sister about how to possibly handle this? That would be what I would try first and see where that leads.

If that doesn't help I'd just leave the room too. I hope it goes well for you.
 
Oct 25, 2017
362
I asked my mom today to use my proper pronouns (they/them). She complained that it's "very bad grammar", but she'll try.

I think I regret it? At this point I feel like I just want to move out and cut my family off entirely.
 
Oct 28, 2017
274
I asked my mom today to use my proper pronouns (they/them). She complained that it's "very bad grammar", but she'll try.

I think I regret it? At this point I feel like I just want to move out and cut my family off entirely.
At least she is trying so it is not all bad?
 
Oct 27, 2017
98
Germany
I mean, yeah, but it still hurt a lot, like she sees my pronouns, and by extension me, as some annoying burden. Really this is just an extension of ongoing issues in my family.
I know how you feel. My family tries, but they still misgender and dead name me pretty frequently.
I still give them some leeway. Why?
Well it took me my whole life to come to terms and with finding the courage to come out, now I give them some time as well... At least they try and so does your mom.
 
Oct 25, 2017
1,623
I asked my mom today to use my proper pronouns (they/them). She complained that it's "very bad grammar", but she'll try.

I think I regret it? At this point I feel like I just want to move out and cut my family off entirely.
I think you should give her some time, this isn't easy for your family either.
Sounds like she is trying at least.

Cutting hostile people out of your life is unavoidable, including the ones that think they're supportive.
However, supporting family members can be quite helpful.

Anyway I'm HRT for a few weeks now.
One of my friends said that the day she started HRT is like a second birthday for her and I think she nailed how I feel as well.
 
Oct 28, 2017
274
I mean, yeah, but it still hurt a lot, like she sees my pronouns, and by extension me, as some annoying burden. Really this is just an extension of ongoing issues in my family.
I know it can still hurt a lot. Some people I know outright refuse to use my proper name and pronouns. And seem to go out of their way to use the wrong ones.

To be honest I am not sure if it is incredibly malicious or ignorant.
 
Oct 27, 2017
98
Germany
I know it can still hurt a lot. Some people I know outright refuse to use my proper name and pronouns. And seem to go out of their way to use the wrong ones.

To be honest I am not sure if it is incredibly malicious or ignorant.
I have those people as well, with a few I'm pretty sure it's actually malicious, because they deadname me, when before they would always use my nickname which is genderneutral. They hide it behind excuses and smiles, but still.
I'm in the process of cutting most of them out. Took me a while to realize that toxicity can be delivered with a smile and a hug.
 
Oct 28, 2017
274
I have those people as well, with a few I'm pretty sure it's actually malicious, because they deadname me, when before they would always use my nickname which is genderneutral. They hide it behind excuses and smiles, but still.
I'm in the process of cutting most of them out. Took me a while to realize that toxicity can be delivered with a smile and a hug.
I gave them a fair chance but ended up cutting them out of my life. Until Christmas where we met for 2 days.

Felt horrible since after a constant barrage I actually responded to the wrong pronouns again when before I might not have even noticed every slip up because I didn't react to them at all anymore.
 
Oct 25, 2017
1,623
I gave them a fair chance but ended up cutting them out of my life. Until Christmas where we met for 2 days.

Felt horrible since after a constant barrage I actually responded to the wrong pronouns again when before I might not have even noticed every slip up because I didn't react to them at all anymore.
Honestly if not everyone in my family respect my true me before me Christmas, I probably won't show up at all.
Being there whille closeted last year was more than stressful enough.
 
Oct 28, 2017
274
I know it's difficult to adjust, yet I wonder how can you look at someone who is obviously female and use the wrong pronouns?
Even if the looks are not there yet people should still try their best but in those cases I can at least understand how slip ups happen.

But if someone also looks the part and everyone else had years to adjust it shouldn't even be hard.