TransEra |ERA1| We're People, Okay?

dadjumper

Member
Oct 27, 2017
1,839
Japan
I mostly didn't even realize how much extra I had been eating as a result, though, so weight loss is...slow. I've put myself on a pretty stringent diet but struggling to keep with it as low as I want it. Outside of that, I feel pretty good, I'm out to my friends, family, and my workplace, but not socially transitioning at all right now.
Have you found any natural weight loss on HRT? I'm pre but should be starting soon-ish and I've been having trouble losing any weight at all. I'm nearly the heaviest I've ever been and it's really affecting my self image
 
May 21, 2019
446
underwater
wanna say welcome new people to the community OT. also wanna point out abstruity that am dealing with binge eating myself tho I've been struggling with it all my life.
 

bulbasort

The Fallen
Oct 25, 2017
174
I know I've gained about 20lb since starting hrt just over a year ago. Some of that's due to boobs, but some is going to my belly too.
 
May 21, 2019
446
underwater
I've been seriously considering that I go see an eating person or something so they can get me to stay on a regime. I work a lot and move around so exercise isn't my issue so much as food to me is like pleasure every time I ingest it.
 

Kaywee

Member
Oct 28, 2017
60
Hey all, binary trans woman here. A long overdue introduction for myself, even though I wear my trans status on my sleeve. Figured I would try to more directly connect with the local trans community here. (Especially in case the current situation goes FUBAR.)
Welcome SapphiCine

The best way to connect used to be the discord but I haven't been very active in quite a while. It saddens me to hear Ketkat is currently banned since she was a great resource to this community.

Hopefully she is still active in the discord.
 

Abstrusity

Member
Oct 27, 2017
2,565
Have you found any natural weight loss on HRT? I'm pre but should be starting soon-ish and I've been having trouble losing any weight at all. I'm nearly the heaviest I've ever been and it's really affecting my self image
I've had a little. After the immediate ten pound loss in water weight when I started, I gained it back pretty quick. The only thing I've been able to do about it is eat a whole lot less.

So, I stick around 1200~1500 calories a day. Eggs and nuts for protein, a piece of toast with my eggs i nthe morning, and basically anything to fill some extra calories to get there, since breakfast and lunch are only about 550 calories.
 

Yerba_Sutra

Member
Oct 26, 2017
4,999
Appalachia
Welcome SapphiCine

The best way to connect used to be the discord but I haven't been very active in quite a while. It saddens me to hear Ketkat is currently banned since she was a great resource to this community.

Hopefully she is still active in the discord.
This is an awful first post ITT, feel like I'm intruding upon y'all's space and for that I'm sorry, but I just caught this comment and wanted to say KetKat's ban has been lifted as of an hour or two ago!
 

Sophia

Phantasmal, like bubbles.
Administrator
Oct 25, 2017
1,968
November 23rd will officially make it three years since I started hormones and fully transitioning.

Just looked at my timeline, and the difference is night and day. From being miserable, unhappy, and unemployed to constantly smiling and on my way to a successful IT career. Crazy.
 

Boddy

User Requested Ban
Banned
Oct 25, 2017
2,160
I got the opposite problem, wish I could gain more weight. That problem runs in the family.
Slowly moving towards underweight and I'm not too happy about that.
November 23rd will officially make it three years since I started hormones and fully transitioning.

Just looked at my timeline, and the difference is night and day. From being miserable, unhappy, and unemployed to constantly smiling and on my way to a successful IT career. Crazy.
That's awesome Sophia. I'm a year on HRT now and it improved my life so much.
Sadly I still need to fix a lot of other problems in my life, which is taking longer than expected, but I will figure this out somehow.
 

eJawa

Member
Oct 27, 2017
59
South Portland, ME
I'm new to this thread, but I wanted to say that I'm going to be bringing up with my therapist today, that I'm questioning my gender identity and it was because of this thread. It wasn't until somewhat recently that I've been seriously thinking about it, but I've had certain thoughts for a long time and it might explain some of the many anxieties I've been living with for a long time. I woke up this morning with more anxiety than usual about my therapy appointment, planing to not bring it up at all. I was then reading this thread and nearly broke down crying, after closely relating with a couple posts. It made me realize I can't keep ignoring it. I'm also planing on talking to my girlfriend about it tonight. I decided to make this post because I figured it was an easy first step and it will make it harder for me to chicken out.

Turns out this isn't such an easy first step, but if you're reading this, it means I finally hit Post Reply, after staring at the button for who knows how long.
 

Mewn

Avenger
Oct 25, 2017
2,298
UK
Got a nice surprise today - I emailed a private trans provider a good few months back, heard nothing even after chasing, and they finally got back to me today to apologise for the wait and ask if I still want an appointment.

I absolutely do, so hopefully can get the ball rolling on this. The NHS waiting times are baaaaad.
 
May 21, 2019
446
underwater
I'm new to this thread, but I wanted to say that I'm going to be bringing up with my therapist today, that I'm questioning my gender identity and it was because of this thread. It wasn't until somewhat recently that I've been seriously thinking about it, but I've had certain thoughts for a long time and it might explain some of the many anxieties I've been living with for a long time. I woke up this morning with more anxiety than usual about my therapy appointment, planing to not bring it up at all. I was then reading this thread and nearly broke down crying, after closely relating with a couple posts. It made me realize I can't keep ignoring it. I'm also planing on talking to my girlfriend about it tonight. I decided to make this post because I figured it was an easy first step and it will make it harder for me to chicken out.

Turns out this isn't such an easy first step, but if you're reading this, it means I finally hit Post Reply, after staring at the button for who knows how long.
Hey I wanna say it's awesome that you finally have decided to push the question to talk to your therapist and it's an honor that you've found yourself with the trans community here on era. I really hope your appointment goes well!
 

Nora

Member
Oct 25, 2017
3,502
I'm new to this thread, but I wanted to say that I'm going to be bringing up with my therapist today, that I'm questioning my gender identity and it was because of this thread. It wasn't until somewhat recently that I've been seriously thinking about it, but I've had certain thoughts for a long time and it might explain some of the many anxieties I've been living with for a long time. I woke up this morning with more anxiety than usual about my therapy appointment, planing to not bring it up at all. I was then reading this thread and nearly broke down crying, after closely relating with a couple posts. It made me realize I can't keep ignoring it. I'm also planing on talking to my girlfriend about it tonight. I decided to make this post because I figured it was an easy first step and it will make it harder for me to chicken out.

Turns out this isn't such an easy first step, but if you're reading this, it means I finally hit Post Reply, after staring at the button for who knows how long.
Good luck! Whatever the outcome, I hope you figure some stuff out. And remember: the first step is the hardest one.
 

eJawa

Member
Oct 27, 2017
59
South Portland, ME
Hey I wanna say it's awesome that you finally have decided to push the question to talk to your therapist and it's an honor that you've found yourself with the trans community here on era. I really hope your appointment goes well!
Good luck! Whatever the outcome, I hope you figure some stuff out. And remember: the first step is the hardest one.
Thank you both for the kind words. it really means a lot. Talking with my therapist went well. I talked about the community here and how reading some of the posts helped me gain the courage to talk about it. She said it was important to have a community that you can be open with. The talk with my girlfriend went really well. I knew she would be supportive, but there was still a small part of me that was afraid. I don't remember the last time I cried like I did yesterday, which further proved how much and how long I've been bottling everything up.

I've been pretty much thinking about all this, all morning. I keep going back and forth between one moment being certain then the next worrying it's nothing more than fantasies. I'm 36 and while I've fantasized about being a woman for a long time, I've never seriously considered my self being anything other than a cis male. I did have a semi moment of clarity though. I was thinking of marriage this morning, since my gf and I had talked about briefly last night and realized I can see myself being her wife. That thought made me happy. Anyway, my next step is to experiment a little with fashion in private, which is interesting, since I've never really cared about it in the past. I don't really care what a shirt looks like on me, besides certain dislikes or maybe if it references some movie/show/game I like, but looking at different blouses was making me actually want to choose something based on style. I also like looking at the blouses and imaging wearing them.

Got a nice surprise today - I emailed a private trans provider a good few months back, heard nothing even after chasing, and they finally got back to me today to apologise for the wait and ask if I still want an appointment.

I absolutely do, so hopefully can get the ball rolling on this. The NHS waiting times are baaaaad.
That's great! Good luck and I hope they have a opening for you soon.
 

Mewn

Avenger
Oct 25, 2017
2,298
UK
That's great! Good luck and I hope they have a opening for you soon.
Thanks! As it happens I've got an appointment with them next month. I'm really nervous but also kinda excited - I've never spoken to a gender professional before, only GPs and friends (which tbf does include a number of trans/enby people).

Gotta say your posts sound a lot like me too, if that's validating at all for you. I still definitely have days where I worry I'm fantasising or being silly. And then some days I'm just like 'yep I ain't cis, cool' and just get on with things. I guess the only major difference is that I'm ace and not really interested in being anyone's wife :P
 

Boddy

User Requested Ban
Banned
Oct 25, 2017
2,160
With a heavy heart I have to announce that this going to be my final post on this site.
It wasn't an easy choice, but sadly it has to be this way. It's what's best for me.
I really want to thank this coummity for everything they have done for me.

The realisation that I was trans happend coincidentally while the old place was on fire, so this place was with me pretty much since the beginning of my tranistion.
It helped me through what was probably the most stressful and confussing part of my life.
During that time I met many great people that shared similar life experince with me and helped me out when I was feeling down.
They also helped me to learn more about myself and transpeople in general as well as coming to terms with my feelings. For that I'm very grateful.
I'm not cutting all ties with this forum, I will stay in contact with a some people and I'm still on a few discord sever. Unfortunately the transera one isn't going to be one of them.

Life can be very stressful, but I will be alright. Got several people I can rely on, most of all my amazing partner who fully supports me in everything I'm doing.
With that I don't have much left to say, except don't let some people stop you from finding happiness, you deserve it.
It's time for me to move on.
Farewell and best of luck!
 

Kyuuji

Member
Nov 8, 2017
9,685
With a heavy heart I have to announce that this going to be my final post on this site.
It wasn't an easy choice, but sadly it has to be this way. It's what's best for me.
I really want to thank this coummity for everything they have done for me.

The realisation that I was trans happend coincidentally while the old place was on fire, so this place was with me pretty much since the beginning of my tranistion.
It helped me through what was probably the most stressful and confussing part of my life.
During that time I met many great people that shared similar life experince with me and helped me out when I was feeling down.
They also helped me to learn more about myself and transpeople in general as well as coming to terms with my feelings. For that I'm very grateful.
I'm not cutting all ties with this forum, I will stay in contact with a some people and I'm still on a few discord sever. Unfortunately the transera one isn't going to be one of them.

Life can be very stressful, but I will be alright. Got several people I can rely on, most of all my amazing partner who fully supports me in everything I'm doing.
With that I don't have much left to say, except don't let some people stop you from finding happiness, you deserve it.
It's time for me to move on.
Farewell and best of luck!
Sorry to see you go, I'm glad you have support you can rely on if you need it though! If you're reading this at all I hope everyone goes well for you 👍💜✌🥞
 

Delphine

Baby, Pink is my favourite part
Moderator
Mar 30, 2018
2,364
France
I quite love enamel pins (I have a little collection), so it's quite naturally that I ordered those over a month ago. They're now already pinned on my backpack 💜




If anybody wants the same, it's from Jen Bartel's shop!
 

dadjumper

Member
Oct 27, 2017
1,839
Japan
So I finally got through the hormone-getting process here in Japan only to be prescribed Premarin... didn't look it up til after I had paid for the pills and uhh nope I don't think I can take those.
So I've ordered some estrofem and cypro online for myself. my doctor says he can still do blood tests for me so this seems like the best way to go about it imo
 

eJawa

Member
Oct 27, 2017
59
South Portland, ME
Just ordered the Trans Rights pin for myself! Also, got the Introvert one for my SO, since she is a very vocal introvert. (vocal to me at least, lol)

Yesterday I fully admitted to myself that I'm transgender. While I was already almost there, it was this piece (https://medium.com/@kemenatan/its-just-a-fetish-right-91cb0a4e261) that finally got me to stop thinking of transitioning as an "if/when" to simply "when". My biggest fear was that my fantasies of being a woman were just a fetish, which she talks about, as well as the feeling of becoming increasingly distant. There were many parts of her story that sounded like she was describing me.
 

Mewn

Avenger
Oct 25, 2017
2,298
UK
Yesterday I fully admitted to myself that I'm transgender. While I was already almost there, it was this piece (https://medium.com/@kemenatan/its-just-a-fetish-right-91cb0a4e261) that finally got me to stop thinking of transitioning as an "if/when" to simply "when". My biggest fear was that my fantasies of being a woman were just a fetish, which she talks about, as well as the feeling of becoming increasingly distant. There were many parts of her story that sounded like she was describing me.
I'm glad you're discovering yourself.

For what it's worth, I read that article and there's a lot that resonates with me there too, like a real lot.
 

dadjumper

Member
Oct 27, 2017
1,839
Japan
Just ordered the Trans Rights pin for myself! Also, got the Introvert one for my SO, since she is a very vocal introvert. (vocal to me at least, lol)

Yesterday I fully admitted to myself that I'm transgender. While I was already almost there, it was this piece (https://medium.com/@kemenatan/its-just-a-fetish-right-91cb0a4e261) that finally got me to stop thinking of transitioning as an "if/when" to simply "when". My biggest fear was that my fantasies of being a woman were just a fetish, which she talks about, as well as the feeling of becoming increasingly distant. There were many parts of her story that sounded like she was describing me.
That's a good article!
I'm curious about what you mean by "increasingly distant." I've been having more and more bouts of depersonalization lately, is it a similar thing?
 

Nora

Member
Oct 25, 2017
3,502
Just ordered the Trans Rights pin for myself! Also, got the Introvert one for my SO, since she is a very vocal introvert. (vocal to me at least, lol)

Yesterday I fully admitted to myself that I'm transgender. While I was already almost there, it was this piece (https://medium.com/@kemenatan/its-just-a-fetish-right-91cb0a4e261) that finally got me to stop thinking of transitioning as an "if/when" to simply "when". My biggest fear was that my fantasies of being a woman were just a fetish, which she talks about, as well as the feeling of becoming increasingly distant. There were many parts of her story that sounded like she was describing me.
That's a good piece. Definitely some relatable stuff in there. So many trans folks discount their feelings as being Not Trans Enough or whatever, because they think they have to meet certain criteria. Or there's a sexual element to it, therefore it has to be a fetish or something.
 

eJawa

Member
Oct 27, 2017
59
South Portland, ME
That's a good article!
I'm curious about what you mean by "increasingly distant." I've been having more and more bouts of depersonalization lately, is it a similar thing?
Not really depersonalization, or I don't think so at least. For me, becoming distant, meant a couple things. I've been going through life in autopilot, feeling like I was just along for the ride. I had a some vague ideas of what I wanted from the future, but didn't feel motivated to work towards that future. I'd also grown emotionally numb. There would be times when I know I should feel sad or happy, but I'd barely feel anything, if at all. Since coming out to myself and SO, I have a strong desire to take more control of my life and improve myself. I've also been "feeling" a lot more and able to better connect emotionally with my SO. There is a part of me that is worried this is just me riding the "high" of my recent revelations though, and that I will settle back into that detached emotional state.
 

Nora

Member
Oct 25, 2017
3,502
Since coming out to myself and SO, I have a strong desire to take more control of my life and improve myself. I've also been "feeling" a lot more and able to better connect emotionally with my SO. There is a part of me that is worried this is just me riding the "high" of my recent revelations though, and that I will settle back into that detached emotional state.
This is the good shit. I felt the exact same way when I came out. It was night and day. My life did a complete 180 the moment I decided to embrace that I was trans, which followed the realization VERY quickly (my conscious doubting period lasted less than a week probably, although I'd spend my entire adult life depressed and miserable without knowing why). Yes, you will come back down to earth eventually, but the feeling of *wanting* to actually live your life hasn't gone away for me.
 

eJawa

Member
Oct 27, 2017
59
South Portland, ME
This is the good shit. I felt the exact same way when I came out. It was night and day. My life did a complete 180 the moment I decided to embrace that I was trans, which followed the realization VERY quickly (my conscious doubting period lasted less than a week probably, although I'd spend my entire adult life depressed and miserable without knowing why). Yes, you will come back down to earth eventually, but the feeling of *wanting* to actually live your life hasn't gone away for me.
Thanks for this. Reading this stuff really helps, even if it means risking crying at work (thankfully, I'm the only one in the office right now, lol). I feel kind of dumb for worrying that people wouldn't relate to what I've been feeling.
 

dadjumper

Member
Oct 27, 2017
1,839
Japan
Not really depersonalization, or I don't think so at least. For me, becoming distant, meant a couple things. I've been going through life in autopilot, feeling like I was just along for the ride. I had a some vague ideas of what I wanted from the future, but didn't feel motivated to work towards that future. I'd also grown emotionally numb. There would be times when I know I should feel sad or happy, but I'd barely feel anything, if at all. Since coming out to myself and SO, I have a strong desire to take more control of my life and improve myself. I've also been "feeling" a lot more and able to better connect emotionally with my SO. There is a part of me that is worried this is just me riding the "high" of my recent revelations though, and that I will settle back into that detached emotional state.
This def sounds relatable. I've recently started exercising for the first time since I was in my early teens. I've also been making an active effort to eat healthier.
I also totally get that emotional numbness thing sometimes, though I assumed that was the depression and/or the antidepressants I'm taking

I've also heard depersonalization can be an aspect of dysphoria? I really hope it is tbh because that would mean it will go away when I start HRT. I'm sick of feeling like I'm looking out of a skull
 

eJawa

Member
Oct 27, 2017
59
South Portland, ME
I've also heard depersonalization can be an aspect of dysphoria? I really hope it is tbh because that would mean it will go away when I start HRT. I'm sick of feeling like I'm looking out of a skull
I wanted to read more about depersonalization (not really knowing much about it myself) and went to google, which brought me back to Medium. This piece proves you are definitely not alone. I've been dealing with several of the symptoms she describes as well. It also sounds like HRT helped a lot of people that were dealing with depersonalization.
 

Osu 16 Bit

Member
Oct 27, 2017
535
Chicago, IL
So much of that is relatable. One of the best things about transition to me has been that I actually care about myself how. How I dress, how I take care of myself. It's motivated me to lose 140 pounds. I have never been healthier, both mentally and physically.
 

dadjumper

Member
Oct 27, 2017
1,839
Japan
I wanted to read more about depersonalization (not really knowing much about it myself) and went to google, which brought me back to Medium. This piece proves you are definitely not alone. I've been dealing with several of the symptoms she describes as well. It also sounds like HRT helped a lot of people that were dealing with depersonalization.
Thanks for this, it's super super relatable. I have almost all of those feelings at one time or another. God these pills couldn't come fast enough tbh
 
Nov 27, 2019
83
I made an introductory post in the LGBT+ community thread that ended up being a 1000 word essay, but I thought I’d drop in here and see if I could be more succinct.

TL;DR: I identify as demiflux, which for me means there’s one component of my gender identity that is static (heterosexual male), while the other part varies in intensity (homosexual female). In practical terms, for me this means my gender identity spans from "Oh God, am I just a straight boy looking for attention?" to "I simultaneously identify as a straight man and want to go out on a date night with my wife as a woman."

I also wrestle with imposter syndrome over this. Demiflux seems like "Non-Binary Lite." I'm never not a cis straight guy, and it would be easy to just succumb to the gravity of decades of amassed denial, avoidance, and repression and pretend none of this ever happened. When the flux is at a nadir, that's when I get the most scared and wonder if going down this path is a mistake, even knowing that within the hour I could be on the other end of the spectrum.

Even my TL;DRs are long. I'm a talker, what can I say?

But yeah. That's my situation.
 
Nov 27, 2019
83
For me what's especially weird and confusing for me at the moment is I present as cis male IRL and would be uncomfortable using pronouns other than him and he, but I don't think I have that same issue online. He/him, they/them, she/her all seem like they would be appropriate, with maybe even a slight preference for she/her at the moment. If I had to guess, maybe because I'm not already entrenched in a physical identity online and can present however I want? Or maybe I'll be uncomfortable with anything other than he/him again when I'm at a male/agender state rather than male/female.

I feel like I make a step towards figuring shit out for myself only to find I'm further unraveling things into a huge mess. I just went ahead and jumped into this feet first, didn't I? LOL.
 

Nora

Member
Oct 25, 2017
3,502
I made an introductory post in the LGBT+ community thread that ended up being a 1000 word essay, but I thought I’d drop in here and see if I could be more succinct.

TL;DR: I identify as demiflux, which for me means there’s one component of my gender identity that is static (heterosexual male), while the other part varies in intensity (homosexual female). In practical terms, for me this means my gender identity spans from "Oh God, am I just a straight boy looking for attention?" to "I simultaneously identify as a straight man and want to go out on a date night with my wife as a woman."

I also wrestle with imposter syndrome over this. Demiflux seems like "Non-Binary Lite." I'm never not a cis straight guy, and it would be easy to just succumb to the gravity of decades of amassed denial, avoidance, and repression and pretend none of this ever happened. When the flux is at a nadir, that's when I get the most scared and wonder if going down this path is a mistake, even knowing that within the hour I could be on the other end of the spectrum.

Even my TL;DRs are long. I'm a talker, what can I say?

But yeah. That's my situation.
Welcome! That was a great coming-out post, I'm happy for you! Figuring this stuff out is scary but also fun and liberating. You have a supportive home environment, and that's so important. You can just experiment and try on different styles of clothes/makeup (your wife may even be able to help you here) to see what feels good for what moment. Oh and that feeling of being attracted to AND wanting to be women you see - that happens to pretty much all of us who identify as transfeminine (be it full-time or part-time). Feeling like an impostor also happens to pretty much everyone when they start coming out, I think. So don't worry about it, just do what feels good.
 

eJawa

Member
Oct 27, 2017
59
South Portland, ME
TL;DR: I identify as demiflux, which for me means there’s one component of my gender identity that is static (heterosexual male), while the other part varies in intensity (homosexual female). In practical terms, for me this means my gender identity spans from "Oh God, am I just a straight boy looking for attention?" to "I simultaneously identify as a straight man and want to go out on a date night with my wife as a woman."
I can relate with questioning if you are just looking for attention. That thought has gone through my end head countless times these past couple of weeks. Sure, it feels good getting positive reinforcement from my councilor and SO, but for me to think that's the only reason I'm going down this road, would mean I'd have to ignore all the other intense feelings I've been dealing with.

You're also not alone in feeling like they jumped in feet first. That's been basically me this past week.
 

Kyuuji

Member
Nov 8, 2017
9,685
I made an introductory post in the LGBT+ community thread that ended up being a 1000 word essay, but I thought I’d drop in here and see if I could be more succinct.

TL;DR: I identify as demiflux, which for me means there’s one component of my gender identity that is static (heterosexual male), while the other part varies in intensity (homosexual female). In practical terms, for me this means my gender identity spans from "Oh God, am I just a straight boy looking for attention?" to "I simultaneously identify as a straight man and want to go out on a date night with my wife as a woman."

I also wrestle with imposter syndrome over this. Demiflux seems like "Non-Binary Lite." I'm never not a cis straight guy, and it would be easy to just succumb to the gravity of decades of amassed denial, avoidance, and repression and pretend none of this ever happened. When the flux is at a nadir, that's when I get the most scared and wonder if going down this path is a mistake, even knowing that within the hour I could be on the other end of the spectrum.

Even my TL;DRs are long. I'm a talker, what can I say?

But yeah. That's my situation.
Brilliant post, thank you for taking the time to write and share it. Do check out the Non-Binary OT as well if and when you'd like. I wouldn't sweat the imposter syndrome - rough as it can be. That inner conflict is real and if you're finding vocabulary that helps settle and align that then that's valid. If you feel recognising that as part of your identity is important, then it's important. To quote Kate Bornstein, "Your gender identity and how you express your gender are correct only when you feel they are correct". That might shift and change, and that's ok. It can be nebulous, there's no convenient template or instruction manual for being trans. Just explore it and do what you feel comfortable with, and use language you're comfortable with to describe your self.

I feel like I make a step towards figuring shit out for myself only to find I'm further unraveling things into a huge mess.
 
Last edited:
Nov 27, 2019
83
Welcome! That was a great coming-out post, I'm happy for you! Figuring this stuff out is scary but also fun and liberating. You have a supportive home environment, and that's so important. You can just experiment and try on different styles of clothes/makeup (your wife may even be able to help you here) to see what feels good for what moment. Oh and that feeling of being attracted to AND wanting to be women you see - that happens to pretty much all of us who identify as transfeminine (be it full-time or part-time). Feeling like an impostor also happens to pretty much everyone when they start coming out, I think. So don't worry about it, just do what feels good.
I had a bit of time between typing all that up and my account being approved, so I got a couple drafts in before posting it. LOL Still mildly embarrassed that a video game sent me into an identity crisis (queer as SWH may be), but it is what it is.

My wife has been great about this and very proactive in helping in the style/clothing department, pointing out what women's clothing I can potentially pull off while still physically presenting as cis hetero, and also translating what women's fashion looks I like into the nearest approximation in men's clothing.

I've never been so happy I married her.

Makeup might be a bridge too far at the moment. If I thought I could pass, I'd probably be more interested, but I don't feel too broken up about that at the moment. Even at peak femininity, I still feel pretty low-femme.
I can relate with questioning if you are just looking for attention. That thought has gone through my end head countless times these past couple of weeks. Sure, it feels good getting positive reinforcement from my councilor and SO, but for me to think that's the only reason I'm going down this road, would mean I'd have to ignore all the other intense feelings I've been dealing with.

You're also not alone in feeling like they jumped in feet first. That's been basically me this past week.
I don't know/don't think I'm going to come out to my therapist. She has her plate full with the rest of my issues. While I was figuring things out, I found an abstract about a study regarding a bipolar homosexual man who identified as a woman when they had manic episodes. I'm bipolar myself, though my current medication regimen keeps me pretty level. Still, I couldn't help but wonder if I would see any correlation between feminity levels and mood, so I started tracking how female I was feeling to compare against my mood tracking. Not a lot of data points, but no evident pattern, either.

BTW, I read that article you posted upthread about the person who was so deeply affected by gender-bending stories before realizing they were trans years later and saw a lot of myself in that. I don't think I'm trans, but that shit has always been potent for me as well. Clive Barker's The Madonna and Neil Gaiman's Changes, while not being pornographic (well, The Madonna has a bit of a sexy side, I guess) were some deeply-affecting stories that have been adhered to my mind since I first read them. I'd recommend them on their own merits, even discounting the relevancy of the subject matter.
Brilliant post, thank you for taking the time to write and share it. Do check out the Non-Binary OT as well if and when you'd like. I wouldn't sweat the imposter syndrome - rough as it can be. That inner conflict is real and if you're finding vocabulary that helps settle and align that then that's valid. If you feel recognising that as part of your identity is important, then it's important. To quote Kate Bornstein, "Your gender identity and how you express your gender are correct only when you feel they are correct". That might shift and change, and that's ok. It can be nebulous, there's no convenient template or instruction manual for being trans. Just explore it and do what you feel comfortable with, and use language you're comfortable with to describe your self.
Oh wow, somehow I missed there's a non-binary thread too. I'm just making the rounds making introductions left right and center, it seems.

Thanks to you and everyone else who have chimed in with words of encouragement and affirmation. This week has been, shall we say, emotionally charged for me, and it's good to know the self-doubt about a new identity is not outside the norm.
 
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Nora

Member
Oct 25, 2017
3,502
I had a bit of time between typing all that up and my account being approved, so I got a couple drafts in before posting it. LOL Still mildly embarrassed that a video game sent me into an identity crisis (queer as SWH may be), but it is what it is.

My wife has been great about this and very proactive in helping in the style/clothing department, pointing out what women's clothing I can potentially pull off while still physically presenting as cis hetero, and also translating what women's fashion looks I like into the nearest approximation in men's clothing.

I've never been so happy I married her.

Makeup might be a bridge too far at the moment. If I thought I could pass, I'd probably be more interested, but I don't feel too broken up about that at the moment.

I don't know/don't think I'm going to come out to my therapist. She has her plate full with the rest of my issues. While I was figuring things out, I found an abstract about a study regarding a bipolar homosexual man who identified as a woman when they had manic episodes. I'm bipolar myself, though my current medication regimen keeps me pretty level. Still, I couldn't help but wonder if I would see any correlation between feminity levels and mood, so I started tracking how female I was feeling to compare against my mood tracking. Not a lot of data points, but no evident pattern, either.

BTW, I read that article you posted upthread about the person who was so deeply affected by gender-bending stories before realizing they were trans years later and saw a lot of myself in that. I don't think I'm trans, but that shit has always been potent for me as well. Clive Barker's The Madonna and Neil Gaiman's Changes, while not being pornographic (well, The Madonna has a bit of a sexy side, I guess) were some deeply-affecting stories that have been adhered to my mind since I first read them. I'd recommend them on their own merits, even discounting the relevancy of the subject matter.

Oh wow, somehow I missed there's a non-binary thread too. I'm just making the rounds making introductions left right and center, it seems.

Thanks to you and everyone else who have chimed in with words of encouragement and affirmation. This week has been, shall we say, emotionally charged for me, and it's good to know the self-doubt about a new identity is not outside the norm.
Don't worry about Sayonara Wild Hearts giving you your breakthrough. For me it was the movie Carol that made me realize I'm a transbian. It can be anything. Usually it's just whatever hits you just right at the right time, that breaks the dam of years of suppressed/repressed urges and feelings.

Your wife sounds great! I didn't mean you had to wear the makeup outside btw, I just meant experimenting in the house to see what you like. I had a breakthrough the first time I wore a wig, for example, just to see what I'd look like. But ALSO: it's totally possible that you can pass (if you wanted to, of course) just by wearing feminine clothes/makeup. Happened to me before I was on HRT. They're very powerful gender markers to the outside world. But this is all depending on your comfort level and wants/needs, of course. Either way, this is all stuff you can and probably should try out in private before you decide how you want to present to the outside world at any given point in time.

I do recommend discussing it with your therapist though, this is a big deal! It's your whole sense of self. It seems like something she probably should know to be able to help you as effectively as possible.
 
Nov 27, 2019
83
Don't worry about Sayonara Wild Hearts giving you your breakthrough. For me it was the movie Carol that made me realize I'm a transbian. It can be anything. Usually it's just whatever hits you just right at the right time, that breaks the dam of years of suppressed/repressed urges and feelings.

Your wife sounds great! I didn't mean you had to wear the makeup outside btw, I just meant experimenting in the house to see what you like. I had a breakthrough the first time I wore a wig, for example, just to see what I'd look like. But ALSO: it's totally possible that you can pass (if you wanted to, of course) just by wearing feminine clothes/makeup. Happened to me before I was on HRT. They're very powerful gender markers to the outside world. But this is all depending on your comfort level and wants/needs, of course. Either way, this is all stuff you can and probably should try out in private before you decide how you want to present to the outside world at any given point in time.

I do recommend discussing it with your therapist though, this is a big deal! It's your whole sense of self. It seems like something she probably should know to be able to help you as effectively as possible.
I'm all for experimenting--eager, even--but I feel like we'd have to rent a motel room. I'm not ready to come out to my kids (or my sister-in-law, who is constantly around) just yet. It's only been like a week : ) My oldest at 8yo does actually have a trans boy as a friend, and she was pretty distressed and confused when he was transitioning. Granted that was a couple years ago, so she probably is better equipped these days, but it's a pretty sizable gap between playmate and Dad.

Baby steps. I'm going to start with maybe seeing what I can get away with with my hair and being more fashion-forward before I try to start sliding on over into sometimes presenting as a woman. I wouldn't mind trying on a wig before that point, though...

And I'll probably disclose things to my therapist eventually. Just need to work up to it, maybe.
 

Nora

Member
Oct 25, 2017
3,502
I'm all for experimenting--eager, even--but I feel like we'd have to rent a motel room. I'm not ready to come out to my kids (or my sister-in-law, who is constantly around) just yet. It's only been like a week : ) My oldest at 8yo does actually have a trans boy as a friend, and she was pretty distressed and confused when he was transitioning. Granted that was a couple years ago, so she probably is better equipped these days, but it's a pretty sizable gap between playmate and Dad.

Baby steps. I'm going to start with maybe seeing what I can get away with with my hair and being more fashion-forward before I try to start sliding on over into sometimes presenting as a woman. I wouldn't mind trying on a wig before that point, though...

And I'll probably disclose things to my therapist eventually. Just need to work up to it, maybe.
Oh I wasn't aware you had kids (maybe I glossed over it earlier). And yeah obviously you should take the time and go at whatever pace feels right to you.

The wig thing was huge for me personally - a trans friend recommended it, so I bought one and tried it on. Whatever remained of my egg shell shattered into a million tiny pieces at that point. This is why I think experimenting, whenever and however you can, is so important. It's something you just have to feel, see, or experience, you can't really logic it all out, in my experience, without at least trying it (different gender expressions) on.
 
Nov 27, 2019
83
Yeah, I don't think I mentioned kids are in the picture. One is young enough that off I were just do it around the house she wouldn't know any different about it, it's the older one that would need to be handled. I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. She's a smart kid who's empathetic to a fault, so it'll probably be fine with it when I work up the nerve to be more daring.

Plus she's the daughter of my wife, who we've established is amazing, so she probably got at least some of the genes for that.

Asking from a position of abject ignorance, but how does one go about wig shopping, exactly? Just treat it like ordering shoes from Zappos, order stuff you think might work and return it if it doesn't? I don't know if physical stores are an option unless I can find one in Capitol Hill (which may very well exist for all I know!)