TransEra |ERA1| We're People, Okay?

Oct 27, 2017
539
Ireland
So much of that is relatable. One of the best things about transition to me has been that I actually care about myself how. How I dress, how I take care of myself. It's motivated me to lose 140 pounds. I have never been healthier, both mentally and physically.
I hope you don't mind me asking but how did you go about losing the weight? I've quite a lot of weight to lose myself and I'm struggling, especially with not eating sugary crap. Luckily I don't drink sugary stuff.
 

Amevila

Member
Oct 28, 2017
357
Yeah, I don't think I mentioned kids are in the picture. One is young enough that off I were just do it around the house she wouldn't know any different about it, it's the older one that would need to be handled. I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. She's a smart kid who's empathetic to a fault, so it'll probably be fine with it when I work up the nerve to be more daring.

Plus she's the daughter of my wife, who we've established is amazing, so she probably got at least some of the genes for that.

Asking from a position of abject ignorance, but how does one go about wig shopping, exactly? Just treat it like ordering shoes from Zappos, order stuff you think might work and return it if it doesn't? I don't know if physical stores are an option unless I can find one in Capitol Hill (which may very well exist for all I know!)
I personally preferred physical stores so I could try many and see how they look.

Although the first time when I was still male presenting I brought someone as support.
 

Osu 16 Bit

Member
Oct 27, 2017
535
Chicago, IL
I hope you don't mind me asking but how did you go about losing the weight? I've quite a lot of weight to lose myself and I'm struggling, especially with not eating sugary crap. Luckily I don't drink sugary stuff.

I used My Fitness Pal to track my food intact. It's free and it's super helpful. I had it set to whatever goal(usually to lose a pound a week) and stick to it no matter what. No cheat days, no compromises, nothing. I always made my calorie goal and always walk 10k steps a day. It took about a year. I still use it, but set to a lesser goal to more maintain than lose.
 

Nora

Member
Oct 25, 2017
3,504
Asking from a position of abject ignorance, but how does one go about wig shopping, exactly? Just treat it like ordering shoes from Zappos, order stuff you think might work and return it if it doesn't? I don't know if physical stores are an option unless I can find one in Capitol Hill (which may very well exist for all I know!)
I just did the dumb thing and ordered one online for like 100 euros. It turned out fine. I only used it veeeeery early on, but it made passing pretty easy for me. Now I'm actually considering getting a pixie cut again because my long hair is a nightmare due to how thick and frizzy it is. I'm gay anyway it's fine I can have short hair and I don't think I need it to pass anymore.
 
Nov 27, 2019
83
Hmmmmmmmmm, did a quick search and found a place in Seattle that explicitly advertises that they're transgender friendly and offer a free consultation.

Won't be able to do anything until next year at the earliest regardless, but that's definitely something to keep in my back pocket.
 

dadjumper

Member
Oct 27, 2017
1,839
Japan
So I was prescribed premarin because Japan sucks. I didn't really register what it was until I paid $40 for it, but decided not to take it because that shit seems foul. So I'm now self-medicating Cypro and Estrofem! day 3 yall
 

winkyface

Avenger
Oct 30, 2017
226
So I was prescribed premarin because Japan sucks. I didn't really register what it was until I paid $40 for it, but decided not to take it because that shit seems foul. So I'm now self-medicating Cypro and Estrofem! day 3 yall
Wtf...
You got prescribed Premarin? Is that the norm in Japan for MTF gender care?
 

dadjumper

Member
Oct 27, 2017
1,839
Japan
ughh. I’m sorry for that.
Yeah it's fucked. I even went to a private clinic with a guy who mostly seems to know what he's talking about, but it's either premarin or another pill that is super super low in estrogen content. thankfully, he said I can self medicate and still go there for blood tests, so it works out! I was terrified to DIY without having someone check on me
 

eJawa

Member
Oct 27, 2017
59
South Portland, ME
First day of HRT. Excited and scared about the future. Yesterday was a bad day full of self doubt, topped off with the topic of transgender coming up at work (never a good thing).
 
Nov 27, 2019
83
First day of HRT. Excited and scared about the future. Yesterday was a bad day full of self doubt, topped off with the topic of transgender coming up at work (never a good thing).
I thiiiiiiiink my work is pretty okay about gender issues. We have at least two people who are openly trans/NB/otherwise non-gender conforming that I know of there.

But at the same time, who knows how many techbro channers we have in the mix too : /
 

eJawa

Member
Oct 27, 2017
59
South Portland, ME
I thiiiiiiiink my work is pretty okay about gender issues. We have at least two people who are openly trans/NB/otherwise non-gender conforming that I know of there.

But at the same time, who knows how many techbro channers we have in the mix too : /
I work at a small company with conservative owners. I'll probably be mostly okay, but it will be awkward. Especially since the other guy in my department likes to make the ever so hilarious "I identify as a..." joke. When they started talking about about transgender students yesterday, I knew that "joke" was coming, among others things, so I made a quick exit. It still put me in a bad headspace for the rest of the day.
 

Mewn

Avenger
Oct 25, 2017
2,298
UK
If I'm lucky, might start HRT next month. The private doctor I saw on Friday was happy to diagnose gender dysphoria and recommend me. Just need to inform my GP and get bloods sorted - I did have a blood test when I was referred on the NHS which I hope covers everything, but if not it's a minor inconvenience.

Been a drained mess of emotions this weekend between grieving over the UK elections and being happy that things are finally moving forward with this.
 

Mekanos

Member
Oct 17, 2018
16,533
Hey, TransERA. I had already asked this question to my trans friends, but I figured some more input wouldn't hurt:

What is the best thing for cis people to do when engaging a TERF? Call them out? Cut them out of your life?

I ask because I gradually realized an acquaintance of mine was either a TERF or sympathetic to TERFs, and long story short, unfollowed them on social media and cut off communication with them, and they realized it was because of my opinion on TERFs and were upset (and slandered me as a "loser with no friends" lol). My worry is, in doing this, am I pushing them further to be radicalized by other TERFs? Is it my responsibility to try to persuade them away from it? It's something I've been a bit conflicted on.

Appreciate any responses, and speak as honestly as you wish.
 

Nora

Member
Oct 25, 2017
3,504
Hey, TransERA. I had already asked this question to my trans friends, but I figured some more input wouldn't hurt:

What is the best thing for cis people to do when engaging a TERF? Call them out? Cut them out of your life?

I ask because I gradually realized an acquaintance of mine was either a TERF or sympathetic to TERFs, and long story short, unfollowed them on social media and cut off communication with them, and they realized it was because of my opinion on TERFs and were upset (and slandered me as a "loser with no friends" lol). My worry is, in doing this, am I pushing them further to be radicalized by other TERFs? Is it my responsibility to try to persuade them away from it? It's something I've been a bit conflicted on.

Appreciate any responses, and speak as honestly as you wish.
Hard to say without knowing either of you, but generally I guess it depends on whether or not you think they're susceptible to reason. Are they genuinely misguided/misinformed, or hateful, you know? Trans people are just trying to live their lives and most TERF talking points are complete horse shit, the same kind of moral panic stuff that gay people had to deal with. Or maybe show them examples of TERF-ism actually hurting cis women (TERFs are deeply misogynist, they really only seek to enforce patriarchal values of femininity).

Whatever the case, you're almost certainly not going to convince them over the internet. And if you do try to engage them, it's a lot of work. It takes orders of magnitude more effort to dispel nonsense than to say nonsense. And if you half-ass it, odds are you might only push them further the other way. It takes a lot of energy and I don't blame anyone for just cutting these kinds of people out entirely because at the end of the day you could be completely wasting your time.
 

Mewn

Avenger
Oct 25, 2017
2,298
UK
You're entitled to cut people out of your life if you find their views unacceptable. It's up to you if you want to try and engage them, but you may end up spending a lot of time and effort for no gain. Given what's already happened and their response, it sounds like you're already on the back foot.

Whatever happens, their views are on them. I wouldn't feel guilty about it - it's not your duty to save them from their own ignorance.
 

Djkhaled

Banned
Oct 28, 2017
557
I was shaving my body hair today and realised I randomly have hair on my back now? Like at 26 just before I start hormones I get fucking back hair. Jesus christ. I went from being in a great mood to suicidal. I am already broke and have agoraphobia so I'm struggling to figure out how to get hair removal. Now I have back hair too. Plus I have no idea how to do this vocal feminisation. I've been watching youtube tutorials and it's so confusing.
 

dadjumper

Member
Oct 27, 2017
1,839
Japan
I was shaving my body hair today and realised I randomly have hair on my back now? Like at 26 just before I start hormones I get fucking back hair. Jesus christ. I went from being in a great mood to suicidal. I am already broke and have agoraphobia so I'm struggling to figure out how to get hair removal. Now I have back hair too. Plus I have no idea how to do this vocal feminisation. I've been watching youtube tutorials and it's so confusing.
That's common, though! I've had back and shoulder hair for a good four years or so now (I'm 26 too)
hoping it thins out tbh, shaving my shoulders blows
 

Eusis

Member
Oct 25, 2017
1,583
Back hair dialed way the fuck down when I started HRT and in hindsight wasn’t exactly the thickest anyway. So there is that!
 

AnnoyinSwami

Member
Oct 30, 2017
23
Hey TransERA, I've been questioning for a while and basically can't see a way forward in life without transitioning (mtf). But after a recent election in my country (UK) I'm feeling quite scared and I honestly don't know where to start? I'd really appreciate if someone could give me any advice.
 

Emmaginary

Member
Aug 13, 2019
117
Straubing, Deutschland
Hey TransERA, I've been questioning for a while and basically can't see a way forward in life without transitioning (mtf). But after a recent election in my country (UK) I'm feeling quite scared and I honestly don't know where to start? I'd really appreciate if someone could give me any advice.
I used to live in the UK (for 29 years from birth) and I am a trans woman.

I can speak to you more if you'd like, but essentially what I recommend is the following:

1) Be prepared to wait. Get down to your GP and ask, nay demand (you are entitled to it), to a Gender Identity Clinic of your choice. This will get you on the waiting list for NHS care, but you will be waiting for a few years for it. Do not get referred to the Laurels in Exeter, even if you live nearby. You will wait forever for that clinic. I can't sugar coat that, so in the meantime...

2) Can you afford private help? If so, you can seek that. GenderCare or Gender GP (if they still exist) are your main options. GenderCare is on balance, probably better for GP acceptance. I have went through both and self medicated for reference.

When you see your GP for stage 1, ask if they will accept the shared care agreement between them and the private clinic. This means that the private clinic will provide a regimen for the GP to prescribe on the NHS while you wait to actually see the NHS. It will lower your costs quite a bit. You can Google Gender Care for contact details to get a copy of the shared care agreement to show your GP. Nail them down in agreement quickly so you can start getting down the private route. With GenderCare it could take four to ten months to start receiving hormones and cost maybe £600 to get started IF your GP is supportive.

3) If you cannot withstand the waits or the costs for either of these options, importing oestrogen and testosterone blockers into the UK for personal use is legal. This will provide you with a last resort backup that is both less time consuming and costly than the above, but it is stressful hoping your meds arrive and obviously it is less safe (though if you are healthy then it is not critically dangerous).

NHS guidelines are that GPs should give you a bridging prescription to tide you over til your GIC appointment if you are in danger due to low mood or self medicating due to the absurd wait times, buuuuuuuut these are not enforceable guidelines so most GPs will do their best to avoid helping in this way because they are cowards (used to assistant manage a GP practice, so I know this). It couldn't hurt to ask though, and you may have a nice GP.

I am typing on a phone, which is like walking through treacle, but if you want to discuss more you know where I am. And if any doctors give you shit or put up roadblocks, let me know because there may be obligations that we can cite back to them to put a fire under their ass.

Transitioning as a trans person is the greatest, and no election (no matter how sickening the result) should take that away from you. I know it's scary and I know it will be tough. I know the UK is a bit shit and a bit TERFy. But if you need this, it will be the right thing for you.

Best of luck.
 

AnnoyinSwami

Member
Oct 30, 2017
23
I used to live in the UK (for 29 years from birth) and I am a trans woman.

I can speak to you more if you'd like, but essentially what I recommend is the following:

1) Be prepared to wait. Get down to your GP and ask, nay demand (you are entitled to it), to a Gender Identity Clinic of your choice. This will get you on the waiting list for NHS care, but you will be waiting for a few years for it. Do not get referred to the Laurels in Exeter, even if you live nearby. You will wait forever for that clinic. I can't sugar coat that, so in the meantime...

2) Can you afford private help? If so, you can seek that. GenderCare or Gender GP (if they still exist) are your main options. GenderCare is on balance, probably better for GP acceptance. I have went through both and self medicated for reference.

When you see your GP for stage 1, ask if they will accept the shared care agreement between them and the private clinic. This means that the private clinic will provide a regimen for the GP to prescribe on the NHS while you wait to actually see the NHS. It will lower your costs quite a bit. You can Google Gender Care for contact details to get a copy of the shared care agreement to show your GP. Nail them down in agreement quickly so you can start getting down the private route. With GenderCare it could take four to ten months to start receiving hormones and cost maybe £600 to get started IF your GP is supportive.

3) If you cannot withstand the waits or the costs for either of these options, importing oestrogen and testosterone blockers into the UK for personal use is legal. This will provide you with a last resort backup that is both less time consuming and costly than the above, but it is stressful hoping your meds arrive and obviously it is less safe (though if you are healthy then it is not critically dangerous).

NHS guidelines are that GPs should give you a bridging prescription to tide you over til your GIC appointment if you are in danger due to low mood or self medicating due to the absurd wait times, buuuuuuuut these are not enforceable guidelines so most GPs will do their best to avoid helping in this way because they are cowards (used to assistant manage a GP practice, so I know this). It couldn't hurt to ask though, and you may have a nice GP.

I am typing on a phone, which is like walking through treacle, but if you want to discuss more you know where I am. And if any doctors give you shit or put up roadblocks, let me know because there may be obligations that we can cite back to them to put a fire under their ass.

Transitioning as a trans person is the greatest, and no election (no matter how sickening the result) should take that away from you. I know it's scary and I know it will be tough. I know the UK is a bit shit and a bit TERFy. But if you need this, it will be the right thing for you.

Best of luck.
Hey, thanks so much, this is all really helpful. I'm luckily in a position where private should be affordable for me, so I'll have a look at Gender Care today. Thanks again!
 

Mewn

Avenger
Oct 25, 2017
2,298
UK
Fwiw I've just seen Dr Lorimer at Gendercare and it was overall a good experience but it did take some time to get the appointment. I also don't think he's taking on new patients right now due to being swamped so you may need to try the others. It took me around 7 months to get an appointment with him too.

That said I only needed the one appointment and he's happy to get the ball rolling on HRT - just trying to sort out logistical stuff like blood tests and the like (which I'm sorting through my GP) and waiting on his offical report which I should get in the next few weeks.

Also while the election result isn't great for anyone who isn't a rich white cishet dude, it's worth mentioning that trans people just won a major victory in court regarding workplace discrimination/bullying and terfs like JK Rowling are super mad right now lol
 

Djkhaled

Banned
Oct 28, 2017
557
Brazil just proved to me via PM's that the mods still don't care about the Trans part of Era or the Mental Health part. I'm done with this site and life. Fuck this.
 

ravannis

Member
Jan 1, 2018
96
Hi. It's my first post in this thread after lurking for years. I have a tendency to ramble a bit when I'm stressed, so apologies in advance if this is going to be hard to read. I wanted to write this in one go. I am not sure if this post is an introduction. It probably is closer to a case study or a confession. What to avoid when considering transition. I hope that it will be helpful for people who need to read something like that.


I am trans and I have had a really twisty road over the last few years to be able to admit that. It's not the first attempt. The first time I have not been prepared and I have made terrible mistakes along the way. Coming out, finding a great, small trans community, total mental breakdown, conversion therapy, a new life built on the result of this therapy, a life which now is crumbling, as all lies tend to. I have spent the last year confirming what deep down I knew for a very long time - being trans is not a choice, it's not a result of trauma, other issues or illnesses, it cannot be cured with hobbies (despite how obsessive you are about them) or depression drugs, good relations with other people, sex, focusing on work, giving oneself to spending sprees (or capitalism in general), travels, pets, and sports. It's something you fix with transitioning.


But let's start from the beginning. As mentioned before, I've had a bumpy road over the last few years and I would like to share my story with anyone open to read it. Maybe it will help if you are unsure what to do, if you're stuck. Maybe it will help you avoid some of the pitfalls I fell into head first.


Around 5 or 4 years ago my dysphoria became unbearable. I dreamt about being a woman since early childhood. I had an extended period of time when I could only fall asleep after imagining myself in a female body. Puberty was traumatic but somehow I was able to stay afloat, not really understanding why it was so much harder on me than on my colleagues. After years of barely existing, doing just enough to survive, I've had to contact a therapist. After 4 months of therapy it became obvious that I'm trans, that the only way forward for me was to transition. My first reaction was a sense of complete and utter defeat. Now I understand it was my internalized transphobia speaking. Despite that, I focused on reaching my primary goal - hormones. I have been obsessed with it and I have been ready to sacrifice anything to reach it. Truth be told, it never should have been my goal, the finish line. Now I know that I wanted to transition, that this should have been the goal, but I will return to that later on. At the time I'd been in a toxic relationship which, unfortunately, was my only lifeline. My understanding of femininity, being a woman, etc. came from this flawed source. I came out to my abusive ex-GF and it went horribly. I was kicked out of my own flat (lease contract was on my name) under threat of exposure to all our mutual friends and to people from my work. I have been asked to kill myself. Then I came out to my family and it went terrible as well. My parents had a mental breakdown and started bombarding me with "solutions", like evangelical priests "curing" people "like me", conversion therapy, etc. Somehow, me being a woman was their failure and in the end it was about them. I had around 10 phone calls per day from them, asking me if I am alive and that maybe I have changed my mind? Maybe I should consider staying a man? It was such a huge weight... Even my sister, after the initial positive reaction, started to slowly turn against me and the very thought of transition. Instead of cutting those people out of my life and focusing on the good, I allowed this situation to get to me. I cried my eyes out every single night for months out of guilt. It added to the general sense of abandonment and self-hate I harboured for myself throughout the years.


At the same time I immersed myself in the trans community but for some reason I didn't feel a part of it, I didn't connect even though there were people who welcomed me with open arms. Who were ready to share all their secrets with me and navigate me throughout this journey. I have been so focused on my own problems that I have been unable to truly open myself. I subconsciously started taking all trans people I met apart from psychological point of view. My transphobia made me *search* for flaws, for things which to me were not feminine, or fake. At the same time I obsessively compared myself with people on transtimelines and other reddit forums. I self-harmed in this way as I felt as an utter failure when compared to the glamorous and beautiful transitions I have witnessed there.

I am pretty sure that some people I met back then are on this very site. If you are reading this, I want to let you know that I am sorry for everything wrong I have done and for everything I should have done but didn't.


I have been really careful when coming out to my real life friends. I have pre-selected a test group of around 5 people. Initially, things went well. However, it won't be a surprise to know that reactions to my coming out in the long run were mixed to say the least, especially since I have been a miserable, self-hating and barely functioning human being. Currently, I am on speaking terms with 1 out of those 5 persons. Funny enough, for all the other people I knew at the time, I created a completely different persona, one which was fun, "unmanly" but a party hard type of person. I tried to spend as much time drunk as possible. I don’t know how it didn’t become a serious addiction haunting me to this day. I am really grateful that it didn’t.


Despite all this, I reached my goal. I started HRT and... started feeling better. So much better that it was overwhelming. Sometimes you hear about a child hearing the voice of their mother or seeing her for the first time after many years of not being able to. It was that. I have never experienced anything which could compare to feeling *good* with myself. I feel confident in saying that it was the best period in my entire life. 3 months of unbelievable happiness. But when you fix something so profound without exploring what’s hiding underneath… those other issues take over, especially when you are attuned to suffering, pain, loneliness and self-loathing. From my experience, a feeling as strong as this pure happiness can betray you if you are not ready for it. I definitely didn't know how to process it and the moment I started feeling better, I began convincing myself that I cannot be trans, that I have tested hormones and I do not wish to transition any more (transphobia I mentioned above says hello), why should I choose a life so difficult (fear, male privilege and... cowardice tip their hats), why should I choose to be someone who in my head will never be attractive, I cannot be trans because i have not felt dysphoria like person X...
Finally, since this was the end of the road, my goal for so long I felt completely lost once I reached it. I had no idea where to go from there, even though the answers is comically obvious right now.

I have compiled lists of reasons why I cannot be trans. Literal spreadsheets.


I quit cold turkey. I cut off ALL my friends who knew, I turned my back on the trans community which helped me survive, I started pretending that all those events described above never happened. I decided that I am simply a feminine man and I wanted to believe that I can control my "fetish" going forward. Hormones cured me!

This was soon followed by a complete mental breakdown, I had to be hospitalized and have been subjected to a short but intensive conversion therapy. After that, I started reading stories on gendercritical to remind myself how "lucky" I have been, how close I've been to making a terrible mistake.


Believe it or not, I built yet another life on a lie. The difference was that I met an absolutely fantastic person and 6 months into the relationship I told her that I am indeed trans but it is not something I wish to pursue. Oddly, at the time I didn't see how many jarring u-turns I have made in less than a year. From 100% trans, to lost, to questioning, to cured, to anti-trans, to trans but not really, to trans but not pursuing transition.


This girl is with me to this day. I think that I've needed her to realise that I have had many, many problems and that I had to take care of them if I ever wanted to be happy. We drew a line, me transitioning is the end of our romantic relationship, as she is straight. So I started a long, exhaustive therapy (new doc and therapist, both really good with trans issues but this time, also great with other issues). They helped me unpack all the stuff I mentioned above and more. They made me realise how erratic and lost I have been all this time, how my actions have consequences, made me fight my complete detachment (how can you care about yourself or others when you are not in control and you feel like you're viewing your life from the back seat?). Most importantly, however, they made me realise how exhausting it is to fight yourself. I realized how much of my energy is spent every day on pushing issues away instead of absorbing and processing them. They made me realise that not much is left after all this effort. I know that the cocoon I have made for myself does not make me happy. This is not who I can be. This is not who I truly want to be.


So now I am readying myself to starting HRT again. I am scared but this time, I feel that I am prepared, that this is the way going forward. It will be difficult, no doubt about that. It will be hard, but I want to have dreams, I want to have ambitions, I want to be a better person. I finally know what kind of woman I want to become.

My GF and I will probably have to end our romantic relationship, since she is not attracted to girls. Last week she sat me down and asked to decide what I want. This is why I decided to make this post, to come clean. Possibly not only with myself, but also with her (after I make an even more detailed and hopefully better written version of this post).

I still have this faintest hope that maybe, just maybe, we will be able to make it work. I love her so much.

If not, I really hope that she will remain a friend. She is the best one I have ever had.


If you have managed to get to this part of this text, please know that you cannot lose hope. This journey will force you to understand things about yourself, not always pleasant things, but ultimately it will be for the better. You can do it. If I got as far as I did, then you will be fine. I am sure of it.
 

Fudgepuppy

Member
Oct 27, 2017
1,926
I'm sorry if this is insensitive of me (a white cishet male), but I'd like to hear from some people of the trans community about what they think of The Danish Girl, the movie.
 

Delphine

Baby, Pink is my favourite part
Moderator
Mar 30, 2018
2,364
France

ravannis

Member
Jan 1, 2018
96
Hi ravannis, welcome and happy you have such a supportive person :>
Hi! Thanks for the welcome, usually I don't ramble as much as in my first post!

Indeed, she's a fantastic person.

I just wish that the outlook for our future wasn't as bleak as it is currently. :( I'm meeting my therapist this Thursday so I hope to discuss all this with her. Wish me luck.
 

ody

Community Resettler
Member
Oct 25, 2017
14,111
Hi all
I realize the site and the threads here are a drop in a bucket compared to what you may go through on a daily basis, but I'm interested in knowing if you feel the staff have kept to their promise on doing better? Has the experience here improved? Would love to see the community thrive, but I can't help but feel change is either slow or at times even nonexistent.
 

Farmboy

Member
Oct 27, 2017
374
Hi everyone,

I’ve just returned from a one month ban for defending Hillary Clinton’s interview with Howard Stern in which she (and Stern) deadnamed Kaitlynn Jenner. In defending her I may have inadvertently deadnamed Jenner myself. (Feel free to check my post history if you’re so inclined)

First of all, I apologize for any hurt I may have caused. I try to be as inclusive a person as possible. I do realize I have a lot to learn. Hence this post.

Obviously, I understand that while Clinton and Stern talked about Jenner in positive terms as a brave and smart person, as a lauded athlete and as a one-time attractive man (which, yeah, I can definitely see how that’s problematic), this doesn’t mean their words cannot be wrong or ill chosen or even transphobic. Good intentions count for something, but don’t excuse everything. Same goes for context.

What I’m wondering is: is it ever excusable to talk about Jenner as ‘Bruce’? For example, as they did here: when referring to them in the past tense and talking about the time they were a famous athlete? Or is this always considered deadnaming?

Thanks in advance for any response!
 

Juna

Member
Nov 26, 2017
97
What I’m wondering is: is it ever excusable to talk about Jenner as ‘Bruce’? For example, as they did here: when referring to them in the past tense and talking about the time they were a famous athlete? Or is this always considered deadnaming?

Thanks in advance for any response!
Exceptions to deadnaming are mainly individual not contextual. There are trans people who don't care about their former name or still use it for the past. But that's their personal decision. There is no general situation where deadnaming is okay. Always use the right name. (There are some referencing problems, but that's not a problem for just talking among people.)
 

Osu 16 Bit

Member
Oct 27, 2017
535
Chicago, IL
I would always use their current name, unless you've been specifically asked to by them. It is more common to prefer to never be deadnamed and if they're an individual who doesn't mind then they're unlikely to be bothered if you use their current name, whereas the opposite can be painful.

For me I wouldn't want someone to deadname me even if talking about the past because it brings up my insecurities about how people I've known for a long time view me. Dealing with that is hard enough without such a harsh reminder. Even if they mean no harm it still stings.

It's such a bummer when you're in a good mood, not thinking about it, and you see it and it brings you down. It sucks getting junk mail with it or the other day I had to make an entirely new Etsy account because you can't change your username(I even contacted them to explain the situation).
 

Nora

Member
Oct 25, 2017
3,504
What I’m wondering is: is it ever excusable to talk about Jenner as ‘Bruce’? For example, as they did here: when referring to them in the past tense and talking about the time they were a famous athlete? Or is this always considered deadnaming?
Never deadname. You can just say "before she transitioned", it's not that hard to 'get around' it.
 

MarineSparks

Member
Jan 5, 2020
36
Wisconsin
Did any MtFs have to deal with finding it hard to consider yourself female?
I want to be able to pass as female. Until I'm able to however, I find it difficult to identify myself as female.
When I look in the mirror I can often see myself as female in some form, but even thinking of myself as a woman just makes me want to curl up in a ball and hide forever.
 

Osu 16 Bit

Member
Oct 27, 2017
535
Chicago, IL
Did any MtFs have to deal with finding it hard to consider yourself female?
I want to be able to pass as female. Until I'm able to however, I find it difficult to identify myself as female.
When I look in the mirror I can often see myself as female in some form, but even thinking of myself as a woman just makes me want to curl up in a ball and hide forever.

Yup, absolutely. Still struggle with impostor syndrome a year in, likely will forever.
 

MarineSparks

Member
Jan 5, 2020
36
Wisconsin
Yes, probably 99.9% of us. It will come more easily with time. It's hard to rewire your brain.
Yup, absolutely. Still struggle with impostor syndrome a year in, likely will forever.
Thanks much. Unfortunate that you still deal with it. It's a bit comforting to know others deal with this at least.
I'm only 7 months in, so I'm past the honeymoon phase, and realising it's soon going to be impossible to hide the fact I'm trans. Very stressful time, but at least it's better than the dissociation, dysphoria, and forcing myself to live as a guy.
 

En Avant

Alt account
Banned
Dec 28, 2019
74
I read some scary things about my FFS surgeon and now I'm having second thoughts even though most of it sounds like bullshit and everyone I've talked too who went there had a great experience. This sucks.

Did any MtFs have to deal with finding it hard to consider yourself female?
I want to be able to pass as female. Until I'm able to however, I find it difficult to identify myself as female.
When I look in the mirror I can often see myself as female in some form, but even thinking of myself as a woman just makes me want to curl up in a ball and hide forever.
I've never truly been able to in the 2+ years I've been medically transitioning and I doubt I ever will.

I went from identifying as a trans woman to non-binary and now to just a cis guy on hrt who wishes he was a woman. My validity is tied entirely to passing and since I'll never pass it's difficult for me to really think of myself as anything other than a man with gender dysphoria.
 
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MarineSparks

Member
Jan 5, 2020
36
Wisconsin
I read some scary things about my FFS surgeon and now I'm having second thoughts even though most of it sounds like bullshit and everyone I've talked too who went there had a great experience. This sucks.



I've never truly been able to in the 2+ years I've been medically transitioning and I doubt I ever will.

I went from identifying as a trans woman to non-binary and now to just a cis guy on hrt who wishes he was a woman. My validity is tied entirely to passing and since I'll never pass it's difficult for me to really think of myself as anything other than a man with gender dysphoria.
It's only natural to be cautious when it comes to surgery. Any kind of surgery is hard on the body.
What kind of things have you heard about them? Why trust the negative sources over the positive ones? Who are the positive sources?
I'd ask myself questions like this if I were in your situation. You need to consider which source of information is more reliable to base your decision on.

How do you deal with having breasts if you're still boy moding though?
I feel similarly to you. I want to identify as female, but I can't do that unless I believe I pass, which is very likely never going to happen for me.
I hope you're comfortable straddling androgyny at least. I certainly feel being boymode MtF is way better than things were pre-transition, even with all the stress it brings.
 

En Avant

Alt account
Banned
Dec 28, 2019
74
It's only natural to be cautious when it comes to surgery. Any kind of surgery is hard on the body.
What kind of things have you heard about them? Why trust the negative sources over the positive ones? Who are the positive sources?
I'd ask myself questions like this if I were in your situation. You need to consider which source of information is more reliable to base your decision on.

How do you deal with having breasts if you're still boy moding though?
I feel similarly to you. I want to identify as female, but I can't do that unless I believe I pass, which is very likely never going to happen for me.
I hope you're comfortable straddling androgyny at least. I certainly feel being boymode MtF is way better than things were pre-transition, even with all the stress it brings.
It was a post on reddit:


Tbh a lot of it sounds like BS. Especially the part about not being able to use their voice, as the frontal sinus has no impact on head resonance whatsoever.

Also trying to claim he's supposedly a dentist and not an actual surgeon is also really sketchy as he's been doing FFS for over a decade, if he was seriously incompetent or routinely butchering people there would probably be more talk about it.

I've talked too several former patients as well as read many online testimonials and the overwhelming majority were very positive. Of course there were a few who were unhappy or had complications, but nothing as serious as this.

Regarding the latter, I've barely had any breast growth two years in so it hasn't really been much of an issue. Like I wouldn't be able to go swimming in public but with a shirt on it's not even noticeable. Honestly I'd be happy if I at least looked androgynous, but I just look like an ordinary cis dude with long hair. The average clean shaven guy under 30 looks more feminine than I do. :(