TransEra |ERA1| We're People, Okay?

MarineSparks

Member
Jan 5, 2020
36
Wisconsin
It was a post on reddit:


Tbh a lot of it sounds like BS. Especially the part about not being able to use their voice, as the frontal sinus has no impact on head resonance whatsoever.

Also trying to claim he's supposedly a dentist and not an actual surgeon is also really sketchy as he's been doing FFS for over a decade, if he was seriously incompetent or routinely butchering people there would probably be more talk about it.

I've talked too several former patients as well as read many online testimonials and the overwhelming majority were very positive. Of course there were a few who were unhappy or had complications, but nothing as serious as this.

Regarding the latter, I've barely had any breast growth two years in so it hasn't really been much of an issue. Like I wouldn't be able to go swimming in public but with a shirt on it's not even noticeable. Honestly I'd be happy if I at least looked androgynous, but I just look like an ordinary cis dude with long hair. The average clean shaven guy under 30 looks more feminine than I do. :(
I'd look into it some more. You can never be too safe when it comes to surgery, especially on your face!

What dose of estrogen are you on? A lot of MtF girls get put on low doses of estrogen with ridiculous schedules, like 2mg once in the morning or something. I highly suggest you take a look at this video, and perhaps even refer it to the doctor administrating your HRT.
Consider this, US Doctors still think it's okay to give you a diuretic to "block" testosterone. You pee out testosterone (and other nutrients) and make it so you easily get potassium poisoning. Meanwhile there are various pills which chemically castrate you (blocks your testosterone). The average doctor isn't an expert on transitioning, in fact the average doctor probably never had a transgender patient in their entire career. So it's really up to us to understand what's going on in the entire process.
 

En Avant

Alt account
Banned
Dec 28, 2019
74
I'd look into it some more. You can never be too safe when it comes to surgery, especially on your face!

What dose of estrogen are you on? A lot of MtF girls get put on low doses of estrogen with ridiculous schedules, like 2mg once in the morning or something. I highly suggest you take a look at this video, and perhaps even refer it to the doctor administrating your HRT.
Consider this, US Doctors still think it's okay to give you a diuretic to "block" testosterone. You pee out testosterone (and other nutrients) and make it so you easily get potassium poisoning. Meanwhile there are various pills which chemically castrate you (blocks your testosterone). The average doctor isn't an expert on transitioning, in fact the average doctor probably never had a transgender patient in their entire career. So it's really up to us to understand what's going on in the entire process.
I tried contacting the person who made the post via PM but they never responded back.

My levels are good. I take 10mg injectable E every week and 25 mg Cypro daily. My T has been below 50 ng/dL and E has been above 300 pg/mL since January 2018. I'm just not very responsive to HRT unfortunately. I also had a terrible starting point which never helps either.

The hormones have definitely had an effect on sexual function (I don't get erections or produce semen anymore) so it's not like they haven't been working, they've just done very little to change my physical appearance. I actually feel I look more masculine now than I did do-everything, although that could just be due to general aging that's probably being accelerated by my depression.
 

En Avant

Alt account
Banned
Dec 28, 2019
74
Good luck regardless. I hope your FFS goes well if you decide to go that route. I hope to have my own some day.

That's unfortunate. Though it's good to remember there's plenty of cis girls that wish they could develop more than they have.

Is it possible your diet may be affecting your ability to grow?
I mean the lack of breast growth doesn't bother me too much as I could always get an augmentation someday (although I don't know if it would look good given how little growth I currently have).

Its moreso the other stuff about my body: my face (which I don't think is fixable even with ffs), shoulders, ribcage, height, hands, feet, etc. that I feel will always make me instantly clockable and can't be changed

I was fairly skinny when I started HRT (150 lbs @ 6 feet tall) and I tried to gain weight the past year to see if it would help but it all went to my midsection, another reason I look more masculine than before T.T
 
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MarineSparks

Member
Jan 5, 2020
36
Wisconsin
I mean the lack of breast growth doesn't bother me too much as I could always get an augmentation someday (although I don't know if it would look good given how little growth I currently have).

Its moreso the other stuff about my body: my face (which I don't think is fixable even with ffs), shoulders, ribcage, height, hands, feet, etc. that I feel will always make me instantly clockable and can't be changed

I was fairly skinny when I started HRT (150 lbs @ 6 feet tall) and I tried to gain weight the past year to see if it would help but it all went to my midsection, another reason I look more masculine than before T.T
I understand that feeling way too well. I have large feet, large hands, a large head, wide shoulders, and am 6 feet tall. Even with all the feminization that has gone on, how could people ever see me and initially think female?
However I remind myself that I have no control over those things. Nothing is going to change about my hands and what not, no matter how I feel or what I do, so it's best for me to accept them, and try and focus on the things I can change.
I think the most important part of transitioning is learning to accept ourselves. We dissociate from our bodies, tried to force ourselves to live up to a gender role that we are not, and learn to never trust ourselves. For me personally, I did not trust myself the first time I thought I might be trans. I could have transitioned before 20, instead I'm transitioning near 30. More things that cannot be changed.
My friend always tells me to build up a girly figure, I need to do lunges and squats. Not sure how valid that suggestion is, but that's one way you can feminize yourself maybe.
 
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En Avant

Alt account
Banned
Dec 28, 2019
74
I understand that feeling way too well. I have large feet, large hands, a large head, wide shoulders, and am 6 feet tall. Even with all the feminization that has gone on, how could people ever see me and initially think female?
However I remind myself that I have no control over those things. Nothing is going to change about my hands and what not, no matter how I feel or what I do, so it's best for me to accept them, and try and focus on the things I can change.
I think the most important part of transitioning is learning to accept ourselves. We dissociate from our bodies, tried to force ourselves to live up to a gender role that we are not, and learn to never trust ourselves. For me personally, I did not trust myself the first time I thought I might be trans. I could have transitioned before 20, instead I'm transitioning near 30. More things that cannot be changed.
My friend always tells me to build up a girly figure, I need to do lunges and squats. Not sure how valid that suggestion is, but that's one way you can feminize yourself maybe.
My main hope is that eventually with enough training (or possible surgery) that I'll get a passable voice and can at least pretend to be a woman in online interactions, and hope that'll be enough self-actualization for me to be content enough to justify the daily grind of life.
 
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Amevila

Member
Oct 28, 2017
360
I see myself as a woman most days. I don't wake up wishing to be a woman every morning anymore.

I started out pre transition thinking there is no way I will ever be perceived as a woman by others. And sometimes it's hard to even notice the physical changes and how drastic they were without a previous reference point.
 

MarineSparks

Member
Jan 5, 2020
36
Wisconsin
My main hope is that eventually with enough training (or possible surgery) that I'll get a passable voice and can at least pretend to be a woman in online interactions, and hope that'll be enough self-actualization for me to be content enough to justify the daily grind of life.
Saying "pretend to be a woman in online interactions" is kinda self defeating.
Either way, I'm hoping for similar things. Being able to be who I am online is a powerful motivator.

I see myself as a woman most days. I don't wake up wishing to be a woman every morning anymore.

I started out pre transition thinking there is no way I will ever be perceived as a woman by others. And sometimes it's hard to even notice the physical changes and how drastic they were without a previous reference point.
Happy to hear you're doing well with your transition.
How long did it take for you to get to this point?
 

Amevila

Member
Oct 28, 2017
360
Saying "pretend to be a woman in online interactions" is kinda self defeating.
Either way, I'm hoping for similar things. Being able to be who I am online is a powerful motivator.


Happy to hear you're doing well with your transition.
How long did it take for you to get to this point?
A bit more than a year of living fulltime. To really see myself genuinely as myself. It was hard to dissociate the things that are unique about my appearance and voice from them being masculine.

Some, but not all of them are.
 

En Avant

Alt account
Banned
Dec 28, 2019
74
Found out that the warning about my FFS surgeon was BS manufactured by a competitor. I feel a bit better about things now.
 

eJawa

Member
Oct 27, 2017
59
South Portland, ME
I'm coming out to my sister and her husband tomorrow. While I'm fairly certain that she'll support me, I'm still really nervous. Not entirely sure how my brother in law will react. It also means my next step will be talking to my parents. I think my biggest fear is that they won't believe me, not having shown signs when I was growing up. After coming out to my family, my SO will be talking to her parents, which I am dreading even more. I'm worried about the strain this will put on her relationship with them.

Every time I think about these upcoming conversations, I start doubting myself. While the doubt of being transgender is mostly gone, now it's doubt about transitioning. I know I want to and need to, but I keep worrying about the pain it will cause.
 
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Gleethor

Member
Oct 25, 2017
2,648
Dot Matrix with stereo sound
I'm coming out to my sister and her husband tomorrow. While I'm fairly certain that she'll support me, I'm still really nervous. Not entirely sure how my brother in law will react. It also means my next step will be talking to my parents. I think my biggest fear is that they won't believe me, not having shown signs when I was growing up. After coming out to my family, my SO will be talking to her parents, which I am dreading even more. I'm worried about the strain this will put on her relationship with them.

Every time I think about these upcoming conversations, I start doubting myself. While the doubt of being transgender is mostly gone, now it's doubt about transitioning. I know I want to and need to, but I keep worrying about the pain it will cause.
You’ve got this. The pain it might cause will be temporary, and the pain it’ll save you from is far worse.
 

Infinite Ukemi

Avenger
Oct 27, 2017
499
I uh, I've started exploring and coming to terms with my gender identity, and while it feels right and I feel happy about it, is it normal to be absolutely fucking terrified?
 

Osu 16 Bit

Member
Oct 27, 2017
545
Chicago, IL
One thing that helped me a lot was lurking and occasionally engaging trans online spaces and seeing how common it was for everyone else to be a total mess, especially early in the questioning process. So often the typical narrative is simple and all about people that knew since they were kids and what not, which didn't align with me at all. Once I reached out into trans spaces I found out I actually did relate to others, I just didn't know it. So, yeah, you're literally doing that now so you're on the right track :)
 

eJawa

Member
Oct 27, 2017
59
South Portland, ME
Yup, the future scares me too. It kind of comes in waves for me. The fear subsided somewhat the last few weeks, but coming out to my sister yesterday (which went well), brought everything back up to the surface.
 
Nov 27, 2019
84
I have waves that seem to oscillate between "oh God, what if I really am only cis and an making a mistake?" and "oh God, what if I'm trans and only cling to NB out of denial?"

Really, if I didn't have the knowledge that I spend most of my time comfortably in the middle envying Ranma 1/2, I'd drive myself nuts.
 

Mewn

Avenger
Oct 25, 2017
2,306
UK
Yeah, I definitely have 'haha I'm just being silly totally cis right?' moments. It's a fear response, a logical look at the facts tells me I'm not cis, but people aren't totally logical and I'm no exception.

Identifying as fem NB helps me with that, but even then I'm not sure if I'm truly NB instead of trans, or just using it as a means of dealing with this. On the other hand, if it works, why question it?
 

dadjumper

Member
Oct 27, 2017
1,841
Japan
Yeah, I definitely have 'haha I'm just being silly totally cis right?' moments. It's a fear response, a logical look at the facts tells me I'm not cis, but people aren't totally logical and I'm no exception.

Identifying as fem NB helps me with that, but even then I'm not sure if I'm truly NB instead of trans, or just using it as a means of dealing with this. On the other hand, if it works, why question it?
To be fair, you can be trans and nb at the same time, so that's valid too!

I'm on HRT and I still have doubts so yeah, totally normal. Turns out the societal implications of being trans make it really hard to deal with accepting yourself

edit: also I recommend reading "Yes, You Are Trans Enough" by Mia Violet. It's a pretty breezy and anecdotal read, but it has lots of relatable stuff about being mostly into male-associated things as a child and only realizing you're trans in adulthood. It didn't tell me anything I didn't already know, but it did validate my feelings in a way that I found valuable.
 
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Everill

Member
Dec 2, 2018
29
Hi! Trans woman here, I mostly lurk on this site I guess, meant to posts in here and say hi months ago but life I guess ^^ I'm bad at reading/writing ratio on here, maybe I'll check out the discord that was mentioned? would be nice to get to know more trans people out there :)

Side note, I had FFS at the place mentioned in the reddit post that is floating around. I have complicated feelings about the results and the surgeon but the place and the people who worked there were amazing, their living-in person there, nurses post surgery etc.
 

En Avant

Alt account
Banned
Dec 28, 2019
74
Side note, I had FFS at the place mentioned in the reddit post that is floating around. I have complicated feelings about the results and the surgeon but the place and the people who worked there were amazing, their living-in person there, nurses post surgery etc.
Would you be willing to share more of your experience via PM?
 

Nikashi

Member
Oct 25, 2017
29
Hello all,

Some people here might remember me from the old forum! I've been largely radio silent since the big exodus but There Have Been Some Developments.

My name is Natalie, and I'm a 41 year old trans woman, and my egg cracked 2 days ago. Pre-everything.

Halp.
 

dadjumper

Member
Oct 27, 2017
1,841
Japan
Anyone read any trans fiction here? I just finished up Middlesex, which is about an intersex person (among other things.)
The only fiction about an actual trans character I've read is a Japanese novel called Hakobune. I stopped halfway but I'll get back to it soon. I don't think it's available in english tho.

I've got Little Fish on my kindle, but haven't touched it yet. Anyone got other recs for good, relatable trans fiction?
 
Oct 25, 2017
28
Anyone got other recs for good, relatable trans fiction?
As someone that reads a lot of of short stories, I came across a delightful collection called Meanwhile, Elsewhere.
About 20 or so short science fiction and fantasy stories, written by trans authors. Highly recommended.
Might be hard to come by, but I was lucky enough to have it available in my local library system.

(I guess I haven't introduced myself here ^^; NB Transfem here, howdys!)
 

dadjumper

Member
Oct 27, 2017
1,841
Japan
As someone that reads a lot of of short stories, I came across a delightful collection called Meanwhile, Elsewhere.
About 20 or so short science fiction and fantasy stories, written by trans authors. Highly recommended.
Might be hard to come by, but I was lucky enough to have it available in my local library system.

(I guess I haven't introduced myself here ^^; NB Transfem here, howdys!)
Thanks for the recommendation! That sounds really good. I guess it's not available as an eBook tho, which means I'm pretty much out of luck living in a non-English-speaking country. Someday!!
 
Nov 27, 2019
84
Thanks for the recommendation! That sounds really good. I guess it's not available as an eBook tho, which means I'm pretty much out of luck living in a non-English-speaking country. Someday!!
Yeah, I was disappointed to find there was no ebook version myself. Am I expected to read words pressed to the masticated corpses of trees? Like some sort of dinosaur? Preposterous.
 

MarineSparks

Member
Jan 5, 2020
36
Wisconsin
Hello all,

Some people here might remember me from the old forum! I've been largely radio silent since the big exodus but There Have Been Some Developments.

My name is Natalie, and I'm a 41 year old trans woman, and my egg cracked 2 days ago. Pre-everything.

Halp.
Go with it. I started at 29, I did it knowing I probably won't pass very well, but I still feel way better about myself than I did before. Sure, I probably look like a feminine guy with boobs, as people still use male pronouns in public, but that kind of discomfort went away for me relatively quickly. It's worth mentioning I only started about 7 or 8 months ago. So perhaps I'll get more feminine features as time goes on. I'm not sure what things hold for me, and you can't be sure what they hold for you.
I'm sure if you're at this point, you realize the dysphoria probably isn't going to go away on its own. The earliest you can start is now if you do.
I hope whatever choice you make turns out for the best.
 

Nora

Banned
Oct 25, 2017
3,548
haha it's a fucking... they're using trans suffering to sell coffee. god i hate capitalism
 

Osu 16 Bit

Member
Oct 27, 2017
545
Chicago, IL
haha it's a fucking... they're using trans suffering to sell coffee. god i hate capitalism

I know this is a common sentiment but honestly I don't get it. It's a welcoming message, that isn't subtle about what it's saying, and can genuinely speak to people. Even the most cynical take is that a corporation thinks there's more money to be made appealing to us than those who hate us.
 

dadjumper

Member
Oct 27, 2017
1,841
Japan
I know this is a common sentiment but honestly I don't get it. It's a welcoming message, that isn't subtle about what it's saying, and can genuinely speak to people. Even the most cynical take is that a corporation thinks there's more money to be made appealing to us than those who hate us.
To me I think it's because we don't get any other representation. this ad would be fantastic if it was for trans awareness or a charity or something, but seeing a positive message about trans people punctuated with "buy our shit coffee" is just skeezy. Why are we only recognized when it's financially viable?
 

Emmaginary

Member
Aug 13, 2019
132
Straubing, Deutschland
To me I think it's because we don't get any other representation. this ad would be fantastic if it was for trans awareness or a charity or something, but seeing a positive message about trans people punctuated with "buy our shit coffee" is just skeezy. Why are we only recognized when it's financially viable?
I suspect this will not go down well, but this ad is both about selling coffee and the brand's partnership with Mermaids UK, a charity for transgender children. Starbucks are selling mermaid-themed cookies for the duration of the campaign and donating the proceeds (at least £100,000 minimum) to Mermaids.

Starbucks also may be as sneaky a mega company as any other (see tax dodging scandal in UK), but Starbucks is going to make money for itself whether we like it or not. That being the practical reality, I'd rather they do so whilst highlighting the everyday struggles of trans people against the backdrop of epidemic transphobia in Britain whilst raising money for an essential (but much maligned) children's charity.

(Also they cover the trans care costs of their US employees, which is clearly not about making money or profiting off of trans people and just about doing what is right.)

Update: https://mermaidsuk.org.uk/whats-your-name/
They're also teaming up with Channel 4 for this campaign and there are more ads about trans coming out stories on that page.
 
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Mewn

Avenger
Oct 25, 2017
2,306
UK
I have misgivings about big companies in general and their support for LGBT causes being a way to advance their brand but... pragmatically, this seems like it could do some good. I'm not going to turn my nose up at this because there's an undercurrent of 'buy our coffee'.

edit: also I recommend reading "Yes, You Are Trans Enough" by Mia Violet. It's a pretty breezy and anecdotal read, but it has lots of relatable stuff about being mostly into male-associated things as a child and only realizing you're trans in adulthood. It didn't tell me anything I didn't already know, but it did validate my feelings in a way that I found valuable.
I actually ordered and have started reading this. A few chapters in and it's fairly relatable and interesting to read the experiences of someone with a similar background to me (like the author, I was born in the North of England towards the end of the 80s).

I'm sure I'll have more to say as I get further in, but so far I'm enjoying it. Thanks for the recommendation!
 

Nora

Banned
Oct 25, 2017
3,548
I suspect this will not go down well, but this ad is both about selling coffee and the brand's partnership with Mermaids UK, a charity for transgender children. Starbucks are selling mermaid-themed cookies for the duration of the campaign and donating the proceeds (at least £100,000 minimum) to Mermaids.

Starbucks also may be as sneaky a mega company as any other (see tax dodging scandal in UK), but Starbucks is going to make money for itself whether we like it or not. That being the practical reality, I'd rather they do so whilst highlighting the everyday struggles of trans people against the backdrop of epidemic transphobia in Britain whilst raising money for an essential (but much maligned) children's charity.

(Also they cover the trans care costs of their US employees, which is clearly not about making money or profiting off of trans people and just about doing what is right.)

Update: https://mermaidsuk.org.uk/whats-your-name/
They're also teaming up with Channel 4 for this campaign and there are more ads about trans coming out stories on that page.
That does alleviate the bad aftertaste of this ad somewhat, although it makes the punchline no less corny.
 

Delphine

Honk honk!
Moderator
Mar 30, 2018
2,439
France
About representation, I finished watching The L Word and Work In Progress's 1st seasons, and both of them have several main trans actors/actresses.
There's even a story line in Work In Progress, where the main character dates a trans men, and somewhat manages to discover what their deadname was. Each time the deadname is written or pronounced (not that it happens often), the show censored it. The audience doesn't get to know what the deadname was at all, and I love that they went there and did that. The show has Lilly Wachowski as part of the writers and producers, and I'm glad they're tackling this well thus far. Both shows have been renewed for a second season, and my queer heart is happy about it!
 

Amevila

Member
Oct 28, 2017
360
My cost coverage for gender confirmation surgery was finally approved. Now I am on the waiting list for my surgeon und just have to wait that out.
 

Nexas

Member
Oct 25, 2017
250
Hi transEra. I figured I would introduce myself. I turn 31 this year, and lately I have been having thoughts that maybe I'm actually a woman. These thoughts really started to come at me hard late last year when I made the decision out the blue to cosplay as 2B for PaxEast in a couple weeks.Since then I've shaved my beard that I've had for over 7 years along with rest of my body hair. I've bought, and have been wearing some women's underwear, and I'm going with a close friend to get some makeup this weekend. I've had desire's to get "dolled up" and crossdress for a while, but lately those thoughts have transitioned from simply liking the idea of putting on a costume to possibly being like that all the time. Before when I saw an attractive woman my first thought would be "she's hot/cute", but recently those thoughts have become "I wished I looked like her."

I honestly don't know what I'm feeling right now. I've never been uncomfortable with the idea of being male, but I never necessary been attached to the idea either. Like if I woke up the next day as women I think I would be perfectly fine with it after the initial shock. I don't if that makes me trans, non-binary, or if I'm just a cis dude with some weird kinks. Like my biggest fear is that I'm just play acting, and I'm intruding on the spaces of actual vulnerable people. Are these thoughts that anyone else here has had, and how did you deal with them?
 

Amevila

Member
Oct 28, 2017
360
Hi transEra. I figured I would introduce myself. I turn 31 this year, and lately I have been having thoughts that maybe I'm actually a woman. These thoughts really started to come at me hard late last year when I made the decision out the blue to cosplay as 2B for PaxEast in a couple weeks.Since then I've shaved my beard that I've had for over 7 years along with rest of my body hair. I've bought, and have been wearing some women's underwear, and I'm going with a close friend to get some makeup this weekend. I've had desire's to get "dolled up" and crossdress for a while, but lately those thoughts have transitioned from simply liking the idea of putting on a costume to possibly being like that all the time. Before when I saw an attractive woman my first thought would be "she's hot/cute", but recently those thoughts have become "I wished I looked like her."

I honestly don't know what I'm feeling right now. I've never been uncomfortable with the idea of being male, but I never necessary been attached to the idea either. Like if I woke up the next day as women I think I would be perfectly fine with it after the initial shock. I don't if that makes me trans, non-binary, or if I'm just a cis dude with some weird kinks. Like my biggest fear is that I'm just play acting, and I'm intruding on the spaces of actual vulnerable people. Are these thoughts that anyone else here has had, and how did you deal with them?
It might be best to just explore a bit. There is little harm in that. Be yourself.

A lot of people worry if they are trans enough to be trans. If it feels right to you when other people think of you as a woman go for it. Nothing wrong with being a gender non conforming guy either. Or wherever you land in the end.
 

Osu 16 Bit

Member
Oct 27, 2017
545
Chicago, IL
Hi transEra. I figured I would introduce myself. I turn 31 this year, and lately I have been having thoughts that maybe I'm actually a woman. These thoughts really started to come at me hard late last year when I made the decision out the blue to cosplay as 2B for PaxEast in a couple weeks.Since then I've shaved my beard that I've had for over 7 years along with rest of my body hair. I've bought, and have been wearing some women's underwear, and I'm going with a close friend to get some makeup this weekend. I've had desire's to get "dolled up" and crossdress for a while, but lately those thoughts have transitioned from simply liking the idea of putting on a costume to possibly being like that all the time. Before when I saw an attractive woman my first thought would be "she's hot/cute", but recently those thoughts have become "I wished I looked like her."

I honestly don't know what I'm feeling right now. I've never been uncomfortable with the idea of being male, but I never necessary been attached to the idea either. Like if I woke up the next day as women I think I would be perfectly fine with it after the initial shock. I don't if that makes me trans, non-binary, or if I'm just a cis dude with some weird kinks. Like my biggest fear is that I'm just play acting, and I'm intruding on the spaces of actual vulnerable people. Are these thoughts that anyone else here has had, and how did you deal with them?


100% yes! Confusing attraction with jealousy, "it's just a fetish", "I'm probably on the trans spectrum, but not trans enough", "I can cope with this, unlike true trans people", ect all stuff I told myself for decades. What changed is exploring my feelings more, being more honest with myself, talking it out with friends and a therapist, and going to more trans spaces and finding out it's extremely common to have these feelings. The standard trans narrative of "I've known my whole life" is a thing, but what you're going through is just as common.

Welcome, and please remember that you can figure it out on your terms, at your pace, and that nothing has to be set in stone. It took me basically a year to go through the final questioning phase. It's tough, the hardest thing I've ever done in my life, but I made it through it and am in a much better place.
 
Nov 27, 2019
84
Hi transEra. I figured I would introduce myself. I turn 31 this year, and lately I have been having thoughts that maybe I'm actually a woman. These thoughts really started to come at me hard late last year when I made the decision out the blue to cosplay as 2B for PaxEast in a couple weeks.Since then I've shaved my beard that I've had for over 7 years along with rest of my body hair. I've bought, and have been wearing some women's underwear, and I'm going with a close friend to get some makeup this weekend. I've had desire's to get "dolled up" and crossdress for a while, but lately those thoughts have transitioned from simply liking the idea of putting on a costume to possibly being like that all the time. Before when I saw an attractive woman my first thought would be "she's hot/cute", but recently those thoughts have become "I wished I looked like her."

I honestly don't know what I'm feeling right now. I've never been uncomfortable with the idea of being male, but I never necessary been attached to the idea either. Like if I woke up the next day as women I think I would be perfectly fine with it after the initial shock. I don't if that makes me trans, non-binary, or if I'm just a cis dude with some weird kinks. Like my biggest fear is that I'm just play acting, and I'm intruding on the spaces of actual vulnerable people. Are these thoughts that anyone else here has had, and how did you deal with them?
Yeah, hi, are you me? Because you pretty much just described my own experience, though I haven't done any cosplay and my use of makeup/women's clothing is pretty low-key and still masculine presenting unless you bother to look at which side the buttons of my shirt are on some days.

I count myself as NB, and if pressed I'd say I'm gender indifferent--basically exactly what you mentioned, not attached to the idea of being male and wouldn't mind being a woman. In fact I'm a bit peevish that I don't even have the option. I think I've largely put the idea that I'm not legit behind me at this point, but totally familiar with the imposter syndrome and feeling like you don't belong. I don't mind being male and present as male (it's easy and it's safe and I'm literally built for it), so it's only natural that it feels like it doesn't count sometimes. But if I could pass as female, I'd do so in a heartbeat.
 

Nexas

Member
Oct 25, 2017
250
Thanks for being so welcoming ya'll! I'm glad to hear that I'm not crazy for having these kinds of thoughts.There are still a lot of things that I'm trying to process right now, but I'm hoping to figure it all out in the near future. Like I said I'm going makeup shopping with a good friend of mine, and I'm thinking of coming out to her about this. She is cis, but she's been a big LGBTQ+ advocate for a long time, and I'm pretty sure she would be very understanding. Honestly I wouldn't be surprised if she had figured this out about me before I did.
 

GuessMyUserName

Avenger
Oct 27, 2017
2,040
Toronto
Before when I saw an attractive woman my first thought would be "she's hot/cute", but recently those thoughts have become "I wished I looked like her."
Wait til you get to the makeup and gain a fascination for good eyeliner 😂

Good luck with the weekend! Your uncertainty is normal, figuring it out can take a long time but the transitioning process is rather long anyhow so there's plenty of time for discovery. As for the cosplay, yeah conventions and events like that can certainly feel like a sanctuary without worrying about passing or anything.
 

eJawa

Member
Oct 27, 2017
59
South Portland, ME
Before when I saw an attractive woman my first thought would be "she's hot/cute", but recently those thoughts have become "I wished I looked like her."
I think I've had those "I wish I looked like her" feelings for a long time, but didn't recognize them or just refused to acknowledge it. Like, I've always been drawn to woman with long hair and realized it was at least partly because I've always wanted long hair myself. Those feelings are also really confusing, because while I know I want long hair, the thought of long hair as a guy makes be uncomfortable. When I was first really looking at woman's cloths online, that was when I first really knew that I had feelings of jealously, wanting to look like the models in the photos. It's not even a feeling of wanting to look really attractive or anything (though there is a little of that too). I just wanted to be able to wear those cloths and have it look "natural".

Like my biggest fear is that I'm just play acting, and I'm intruding on the spaces of actual vulnerable people. Are these thoughts that anyone else here has had, and how did you deal with them?
I'm still trying to figure out how to deal with those feelings. I felt this strongly when I went to the local support group for the first time over 2 months ago. The second time, I went with my SO, since it was the trans and ally group and felt better, less like an impostor, but was still too nervous and shy to say anything about my experience. I knew I was trans, but still felt like my story wasn't valid enough compared to the others. I know that's not true, but it's still hard to not feel it.

At PAX East, if you happen to spot someone in the table top area with their nails on one hand painted blue and other neon red (like the Switch), feel free to say high. While I won't be presenting as a woman just yet, PAXEast is my next step in presenting more and more feminine. My back back will also be sporting the Trans Rights pin that was talked about earlier in this thread.

This Saturday is the big day of when I come out to my parents and my SO's family. My SO made the plans with the families, which led to some awkwardness, since she had to be vague about why. My sister, who I am out to, warned me that my parents are convinced we're going to be announcing our engagement. My SO's family was supposed to be a later date, but they think something is wrong and after pestering from her sister, my SO agreed to talk to them on Saturday (even before we meet my parents that day). She's meeting with them alone, since she fears the worst and thinks it's better she talks to them alone. I'm scared of their reaction, so I'm both relived and feeling guilty about not being there. That is happening at noon, then my parents that evening, so it will be an emotionally charged day. I'm also a little worried that my parents will be angry that my SO's family will have known first, even if it is only by like a few hours. It was the only day my SO could talk with all of her family at once, without waiting 3 weeks and I know this is very hard for her too, especially since she's also coming out as bi. They are not the most accepting of families.