TransEra |ERA1| We're People, Okay?

[OniLinkPlus]

There's a! TransERA! How did I not know!

Hi, I'm Kody, I'm nonbinary/genderqueer (they/their/them) and came out to myself in February 2016. That was a pleasant time. Everything suddenly made so much sense, like how my depression started the *moment* I started getting noticable effects of puberty. And then I became terrified of coming out to my parents which gave me such a bad anxiety attack that uh...

Spoiler: Unfun Health Stuff

stress-induced physical health problems sprang up and caused so much pain that I started hallucinating to escape the pain. Had to force myself to the ER at 2am. It was expensive and a nightmare cause I'm already poor af. Thankfully I'm poor enough that I was able to get most of the hospital fees dismissed due to inability to pay. Sorry taxpayers :c

I'm hoping to get on HRT this year. Also trying to grow my hair out. Mom keeps forcing me to cut it short by saying it looks horrible (uh duh it's still growing out). I hate being 22 and still reliant on my parents. I want to move out and be allowed to be me. I'm technically "out" to them but they refuse to use my proper pronouns and are just generally unsupportive. They don't "shame" me or anything, but they're entirely apathetic to my identity.

Anyways hi everybody! Good to meet you all and learn that this is a place!

 

[FeistyBoots]

Major thanks to SweetNicole for getting me into the discord, and to her and everyone else last night for talking with me. I've scheduled an appointment with a well-respected gender identity therapist for next Monday. Lots of things to think about, but I'm finding myself feeling less fear and almost relief at finally looking at all this.

 

[Kaywee]

Major thanks to SweetNicole for getting me into the discord, and to her and everyone else last night for talking with me. I've scheduled an appointment with a well-respected gender identity therapist for next Monday. Lots of things to think about, but I'm finding myself feeling less fear and almost relief at finally looking at all this.

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That is great news Chmpocalypse, I hope you'll find the clarity your seeking.

Hi, I'm Kody, I'm nonbinary/genderqueer (they/their/them) and came out to myself in February 2016. That was a pleasant time. Everything suddenly made so much sense, like how my depression started the *moment* I started getting noticable effects of puberty.

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Welcome Kody, feel free to ask any questions because the people here are fairly knowledgeable.

 

[FeistyBoots]

Told the Discorders last night, wanted to share here too - I told my roommates (who are my family) last night about my feelings and how I'm pretty certain, and growing moreso, that I'm a trans woman. They immediately accepted it, and me. I have amazing friends!

 

[Vivian]

I was going to write an incredibly positive post about coming out to a close friend and finally coming to terms with myself, but then I read this news article from earlier today and now I just want to cry again :(

 

[FeistyBoots]

I was going to write an incredibly positive post about coming out to a close friend and finally coming to terms with myself, but then I read this news article from earlier today and now I just want to cry again :(

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: (

But! You did amazing!

 

[Etain]

I was going to write an incredibly positive post about coming out to a close friend and finally coming to terms with myself, but then I read this news article from earlier today and now I just want to cry again :(

Click to shrink...

Congrats just the same. And maybe there's something to be tried to expedite the process.

 

[Vivian]

Now that's out of my system, time to write the post I was going to write in the first place!

First off, introductions! I'm Vivian, I'm kinda shy and quiet IRL, my favourite colour is purple (Era doing good work in that regard), I like all things soft and fluffy, and apparently I'm a girl now? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

(By the way, if for some reason you know me IRL and are stalking my Era account: surprise, I'm a girl! Bet you didn't see that coming!)

I posted in here a while back when I first realised something might be off about my gender, and you all were very helpful to me, so thanks! But it's been a couple of months, and after some recent developments, I think I'm happy with the answers I've found.

After I started questioning, I was beset by a tremendous amount of self-doubt. "Are my feelings real?" "Am I really experiencing dysphoria?" "Is this all just a fantasy I'm making up?" I decided that the best way to resolve this would be to talk it out with someone, so I told a close friend that there was something I wanted to discuss and got her to set a date so I wouldn't be spooked and back out (I originally wanted to talk to her when we went on a group trip at the end of 2017, but I couldn't muster the courage to do it back then.)

Although I had thought about how it would go over and over, I still found it almost impossible to get the words out. When faced with the real conversation, I didn't know where to start, and kept clamming up for minutes on end. There were things I wanted to say, but I was incredibly afraid to actually say them - after spending over 20 years repressing these thoughts, I couldn't raise the willpower to say them out loud. Luckily, my friend was amazingly patient and supportive, and after what seemed to me like an eternity I finally managed to get my feelings across. The entire time I wanted to do nothing more than run away and hide in a corner, but she kept gently encouraging me and offering suggestions for how I could sort out my thoughts and we got there in the end.

After a while, my friend suggested that we try different pronouns and see how I felt about them. Of course, I was used to he/him by that point, but it really surprised me how OK I was with she/her and how happy it made me feel (compared to they/them, which just felt off.) We agreed to continue using she/her for now, and my friend asked me for a name suggestion, but once again I couldn't bring myself to say it.

I helped her with some housework to calm my nerves, and eventually I managed to suggest Vivian as a name (or Vivi for short.) I was far too nervous to properly appreciate it at the time, but the first time she said my name out loud was unbelievably powerful (and even now, I melt into a puddle of happy whenever she calls me Vivi!) At some point she asked me to reach a high-up switch by calling me 'my tall girl friend', and again, that made me incredibly happy inside, even though maybe I didn't show it. If there's one thing about being trans that I want other people to experience, it's certainly that feeling of pure elation.

I think the most significant thing that came out of that (other than myself!) was that beforehand, I still thought of myself as a guy that sometimes felt like a girl, but afterwards it was like a switch had been flipped and I was a girl that might pretend to be a guy occasionally. I feel far more comfortable as the latter, and it was definitely actually hearing someone else say what had been on my mind that finally dispelled my self-doubt. I whole-heartedly feel that it was less of me coming out to a friend, and more of me coming out to myself!

For the past couple of months, I'd been avoiding looking in mirrors (and especially speaking in front of mirrors) as I'd see some weird guy that might never pass as a girl and he would speak at the same time as me and OH GOD THAT IS ME LOOK AWAY and I'd feel super uncomfortable about the whole thing. But now I can look in a mirror and see a (sometimes funny-looking) girl, and it no longer makes me uncomfortable because it's actually me this time. I can enjoy the feeling of being called by a cute name, even if I could do without it becoming normalised later (and therefore no longer capable of turning me into a incoherent bundle of joy). I think I need to work on my appearance a bit so I can get that rush from people saying I'm cute instead. If those things don't make me trans, I don't know what does, and I'm so happy to finally have reached this answer.

Bonus:

My friend is too good and I don't deserve her ❤ ❤ ❤

 

[Kaywee]

Now that's out of my system, time to write the post I was going to write in the first place!

First off, introductions! I'm Vivian, I'm kinda shy and quiet IRL, my favourite colour is purple (Era doing good work in that regard), I like all things soft and fluffy, and apparently I'm a girl now? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

(By the way, if for some reason you know me IRL and are stalking my Era account: surprise, I'm a girl! Bet you didn't see that coming!)

I posted in here a while back when I first realised something might be off about my gender, and you all were very helpful to me, so thanks! But it's been a couple of months, and after some recent developments, I think I'm happy with the answers I've found.

After I started questioning, I was beset by a tremendous amount of self-doubt. "Are my feelings real?" "Am I really experiencing dysphoria?" "Is this all just a fantasy I'm making up?" I decided that the best way to resolve this would be to talk it out with someone, so I told a close friend that there was something I wanted to discuss and got her to set a date so I wouldn't be spooked and back out (I originally wanted to talk to her when we went on a group trip at the end of 2017, but I couldn't muster the courage to do it back then.)

Although I had thought about how it would go over and over, I still found it almost impossible to get the words out. When faced with the real conversation, I didn't know where to start, and kept clamming up for minutes on end. There were things I wanted to say, but I was incredibly afraid to actually say them - after spending over 20 years repressing these thoughts, I couldn't raise the willpower to say them out loud. Luckily, my friend was amazingly patient and supportive, and after what seemed to me like an eternity I finally managed to get my feelings across. The entire time I wanted to do nothing more than run away and hide in a corner, but she kept gently encouraging me and offering suggestions for how I could sort out my thoughts and we got there in the end.

After a while, my friend suggested that we try different pronouns and see how I felt about them. Of course, I was used to he/him by that point, but it really surprised me how OK I was with she/her and how happy it made me feel (compared to they/them, which just felt off.) We agreed to continue using she/her for now, and my friend asked me for a name suggestion, but once again I couldn't bring myself to say it.

I helped her with some housework to calm my nerves, and eventually I managed to suggest Vivian as a name (or Vivi for short.) I was far too nervous to properly appreciate it at the time, but the first time she said my name out loud was unbelievably powerful (and even now, I melt into a puddle of happy whenever she calls me Vivi!) At some point she asked me to reach a high-up switch by calling me 'my tall girl friend', and again, that made me incredibly happy inside, even though maybe I didn't show it. If there's one thing about being trans that I want other people to experience, it's certainly that feeling of pure elation.

I think the most significant thing that came out of that (other than myself!) was that beforehand, I still thought of myself as a guy that sometimes felt like a girl, but afterwards it was like a switch had been flipped and I was a girl that might pretend to be a guy occasionally. I feel far more comfortable as the latter, and it was definitely actually hearing someone else say what had been on my mind that finally dispelled my self-doubt. I whole-heartedly feel that it was less of me coming out to a friend, and more of me coming out to myself!

For the past couple of months, I'd been avoiding looking in mirrors (and especially speaking in front of mirrors) as I'd see some weird guy that might never pass as a girl and he would speak at the same time as me and OH GOD THAT IS ME LOOK AWAY and I'd feel super uncomfortable about the whole thing. But now I can look in a mirror and see a (sometimes funny-looking) girl, and it no longer makes me uncomfortable because it's actually me this time. I can enjoy the feeling of being called by a cute name, even if I could do without it becoming normalised later (and therefore no longer capable of turning me into a incoherent bundle of joy). I think I need to work on my appearance a bit so I can get that rush from people saying I'm cute instead. If those things don't make me trans, I don't know what does, and I'm so happy to finally have reached this answer.

Bonus:

My friend is too good and I don't deserve her ❤ ❤ ❤

Click to shrink...

That is awesome Vivian, I am glad you had great support and affirmation. You have made a lot of big steps so far and you need to remember that when moving forward because it gives you the courage to tackle the next mountain. It takes a lot of bravery to pursue your true self and I think you have that spades.

 

[Boddy]

Vivian That sure sounds like a typical coming-out story of a trans woman.
PM SweetNicole if you want to join our discord. I know I had a lot to tak when I was in your postion.

I was very lucky with my gf and friends as well, but not so much with my familiy.

 

[thethickofit]

Hi! Long time lurker, finally created an account. I'm a genderqueer (they/them) person of color. A came out to myself in May last year, and to my partner, friends and co-workers soon after. Everyone was super accepting and I didn't lose anyone over this!

 

[OniLinkPlus]

I set up an appointment with Planned Parenthood to discuss HRT since my insurance doesn't offer that! Woo! Feb 15th is the day.

 

[Vivian]

That is awesome Vivian, I am glad you had great support and affirmation. You have made a lot of big steps so far and you need to remember that when moving forward because it gives you the courage to tackle the next mountain. It takes a lot of bravery to pursue your true self and I think you have that spades.

Click to shrink...

Thank you for the kind words! I'm very lucky to have a friend who I was certain would be really supportive. I don't know where I would be if I didn't know anybody like that. I'm still utterly terrified of coming out to more people in my life, but now I have someone on my side I hope it will be a bit easier.

Vivian That sure sounds like a typical coming-out story of a trans woman.
PM SweetNicole if you want to join our discord. I know I had a lot to tak when I was in your postion.

I was very lucky with my gf and friends as well, but not so much with my familiy.

Click to shrink...

I dropped her a message - just waiting for a reply now!

I'm fairly certain the rest of my friends will be supportive (I like to think that I hang out with the right people!), but I'm definitely nervous about family. I think it should be fine, but you never know with this sort of thing. I have no idea how I'm even going to approach coming out to my work colleagues though...

 

[thethickofit]

I didn't realize how much spiro would make me pee.

 

[Kaywee]

I didn't realize how much spiro would make me pee.

Click to shrink...

Yep it is a diuretic so expect to drink lots of water and then go pee

 

[Boddy]

I'm fairly certain the rest of my friends will be supportive (I like to think that I hang out with the right people!), but I'm definitely nervous about family. I think it should be fine, but you never know with this sort of thing. I have no idea how I'm even going to approach coming out to my work colleagues though...

Click to shrink...

There is a good chance that you will lose at least a few friends. Some people just can't handle this stuff very well.
Family is almost always a problem, but some people grt super lucky. It should be fine after enough time has past, but the early months are mostly likely going to be difficult.

 

[Geirskogul]

3 months on HRT in a few days. Chest is still very sensitive but no noticeable growth yet. No other discernible physical changes either. I start laser hair removal this friday, which I'm somewhat excited for, even if I did get massively ripped off on the price.

I'm getting my first post-HRT blood work done soon as well and I really hope my levels are ok. I'm pretty confident my T is being sufficiently suppressed as my libido has been completely nuked and I can't really maintain an erection even if I try, but I am worried about my E given that I'm on a pathetically low dose (100 mcg patches). Regardless, when I see my endo again in a month I'm going to demand she switch me to injections and also prescribe progesterone. If I get any pushback I'm ready to go full DIY anyways.

Mentally I'm still incredibly depressed and suicidal and most days are a large struggle. I told myself I'd give it two years of HRT + cosmetic surgery before throwing in the towel, but every day I seriously contemplate just giving up. There simply is no fixing this body.

I didn't realize how much spiro would make me pee.

Click to shrink...

Spiro has horrendous side-effects and is really bad at blocking T to begin with. I would highly recommend asking your endo for Bicalutamide instead or importing Cyproterone from an online pharmacy if they rebuff you.

 

[Geirskogul]

Had my first laser session today. It hurt more than I was expecting, but still fairly tolerable, hopefully the pain doesn't get significantly worse when they increase the settings down the line. On the bright-side the redness is almost completely gone just 7 hours later. One of my bigger concerns was looking like a tomato for days after a treatment.

Emotionally this was one of the roughest days I've had in a while, I've been balling my eyes out for hours and am still crying while typing this out. I will never be able to forgive myself for waiting too late to do anything and wasting the most valuable years of my life.

 

[Kaywee]

Had my first laser session today. It hurt more than I was expecting, but still fairly tolerable, hopefully the pain doesn't get significantly worse when they increase the settings down the line. On the bright-side the redness is almost completely gone just 7 hours later. One of my bigger concerns was looking like a tomato for days after a treatment.

Emotionally this was one of the roughest days I've had in a while, I've been balling my eyes out for hours and am still crying while typing this out. I will never be able to forgive myself for waiting too late to do anything and wasting the most valuable years of my life.

Click to shrink...

The pain will start to diminish over time as the hair starts to thin out from treatment and remember to wear sunblock if you plan to be outside for any length of time. As for the idea that you waited to long, you have to realize that it is never to late. I personally started HRT at 30 and "pass" if that is what your worried about.

Before panicking remember that HRT takes time to balance and work. In the meantime I suggest joining the discord, if you haven't already, so that you can get support when your feeling low. Send SweetNicole a pm for an invite.

 

[Geirskogul]

The pain will start to diminish over time as the hair starts to thin out from treatment and remember to wear sunblock if you plan to be outside for any length of time. As for the idea that you waited to long, you have to realize that it is never to late. I personally started HRT at 30 and "pass" if that is what your worried about.

Before panicking remember that HRT takes time to balance and work. In the meantime I suggest joining the discord, if you haven't already, so that you can get support when your feeling low. Send SweetNicole a pm for an invite.

Click to shrink...

It's not even so much about passing (although I highly doubt I will ever pass) as it is missing out on my entire formative and developmental years. I graduate college in 4 months and i view that as the final conclusion to a wasted youth that consisted of nothing but depression and dysphoria. I see nothing to look forward to in the future, especially as I cannot have children or envision any sort of meaningful self-actualization through a career.

 

[Kaywee]

It's not even so much about passing (although I highly doubt I will ever pass) as it is missing out on my entire formative and developmental years. I graduate college in 4 months and i view that as the final conclusion to a wasted youth that consisted of nothing but depression and dysphoria. I see nothing to look forward to in the future, especially as I cannot have children or envision any sort of meaningful self-actualization through a career.

Click to shrink...

When we are depressed we see everything as half empty and I think you need to adjust your perspective. Like you, I missed out on what you consider the formative years but I can still go back to school to upgrade or completely shift focus, which I plan on doing. As for a family you can always adopt a child or become a foster home.

Try to think of this as your life truly beginning and the world is your oyster. If you can shift your perspective it will do wonders in combating the rougher days

 

[FeistyBoots]

Got referred to an endocrinologist for HRT and a voice therapist today. So, so happy right now. : )

 

[OniLinkPlus]

Initial appointment with Planned Parenthood to discuss HRT is tomorrow!!

 

[Geirskogul]

Initial appointment with Planned Parenthood to discuss HRT is tomorrow!!

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Congratulations!

I've never gone through PP for HRT but I would be firm in asking for full dose. Don't settle for anything less than 100 mg spiro and 4 mg E daily to start with. Also ask for Prometrium (Bio-Identical pill form of progesterone). Its a very important part of MTF HRT that is criminally under-prescribed.

 

[Geirskogul]

I'm done.

I can't deal with this anymore. I break down crying for hours every single day. The regret is so overwhelming and I cannot forgive myself for not seeking help 10 years ago when it would have actually made a difference. I cannot tolerate being trapped in this disgusting, horrific body any longer. The misery and loneliness of the closet is unbearable but I refuse to be a stereotype that is going to be reviled and ridiculed everywhere they go. I would rather be another statistic.

I'm buying a gun tomorrow and putting a bullet into this disgusting gigantic skull of mine. Fuck everything. Fuck life, fuck being trans, and fuck god if he exists. I hope he does so I can tell him what an absolute piece of shit he is before he sends me to hell. Im not even scared of dying anymore, anything is better than this.

 

[Ketkat]

I'm done.

I can't deal with this anymore. I break down crying for hours every single day. The regret is so overwhelming and I cannot forgive myself for not seeking help 10 years ago when it would have actually made a difference. I cannot tolerate being trapped in this disgusting, horrific body any longer. The misery and loneliness of the closet is unbearable but I refuse to be a stereotype that is going to be reviled and ridiculed everywhere they go. I would rather be another statistic.

I'm buying a gun tomorrow and putting a bullet into this disgusting gigantic skull of mine. Fuck everything. Fuck life, fuck being trans, and fuck god if he exists. I hope he does so I can tell him what an absolute piece of shit he is before he sends me to hell. Im not even scared of dying anymore, anything is better than this.

Click to shrink...

I understand that fear of going out and being reviled and ridiculed when you go out all too well. But for me at least, a lot of that stems from the fact that I haven't gone out presenting at all. So I get stuck in my head with all the what ifs of what could happen because I have no experience to base it on. But, from what I've heard from other transwomen, even ones who don't pass, people aren't going to stop you on the street and insult you or anything. The vast majority of people don't care in the slightest. Yes, there are some serious shitheads out there. But the odds of you coming across one of them and them going after you is pretty small.

Most of us will have regrets when it comes to not starting transitioning sooner no matter when we started. Transitioning at that perfect age to avoid a male puberty just isn't viable for most people still due to a lack of understanding from doctors and parents. But there's nothing we can do about that when it comes to our own bodies. We have to accept the flaws in our bodies and remember that ciswomen have a lot of flaws as well that could steer them towards being more masculine. I do understand how important passing is to you, but you also have to keep in mind that HRT isn't some miracle drug. It's starting a new puberty and the changes will take a while to kick into effect. You're a little over 3 months in, which really isn't anything when it comes to the effects. You have no idea what level the effects could have on your body by the end of this at that point. You have to be patient, and monitor your levels with your doctor to ensure that you've found the right dosages/medications for you. Its also important to keep in mind that presenting is a large part of how people will gender you as a woman. You can start learning about how that works now while you wait for HRT to do what it does.

While we're always here for you if you need to talk, have you tried finding a therapist to talk to about this? I'm not sure where you live, so I'm not sure how viable finding a LGBT therapist is for you. But, there are options for online therapy that could help you work through depression and anxiety like this one : https://www.betterhelp.com/ While I personally haven't used it, I've heard good things about it from the mental health discord. They can't solve every problem, and I'm not sure how well they can handle trans issues specifically, but I believe you're able to talk to a therapist at any time you want as long as you're subscribed. I'd only recommend this if you don't have any options for some face-to-face counseling though. Online therapy is great and helped me out some in the past, but when it comes to something as serious as suicidal ideation, being face to face is incredibly important. I'd love to help you try and find one that you can visit face to face in your area though!

 

[Geirskogul]

What is a normal dose for injectable E? Recieved my first blood test results back and they were terrible. I am done with patches, and when I see my doctor again I want to know what exact dose to demand, as I am done trusting anything she says. 1-4 ml at 20mg/ml concentration weekly seems to be standard talking to other people on r/asktrans and r/TransDIY, but what dosages are the people on injections here taking, and what are your levels?

 

[Kaywee]

What is a normal dose for injectable E? Recieved my first blood test results back and they were terrible. I am done with patches, and when I see my doctor again I want to know what exact dose to demand, as I am done trusting anything she says. 1-4 ml at 20mg/ml concentration weekly seems to be standard talking to other people on r/asktrans and r/TransDIY, but what dosages are the people on injections here taking, and what are your levels?

Click to shrink...

Putting dosage info in the open is dangerous because a large number of people try to self medicate. HRT can have all sorts of risks attached to it so it should to be supervised . Just like puberty, HRT is not a quick process and can take up to 5 years to complete. I know it's hard but you need to trust the people that have walked the path ahead of you. It will get better

 

[Ketkat]

What is a normal dose for injectable E? Recieved my first blood test results back and they were terrible. I am done with patches, and when I see my doctor again I want to know what exact dose to demand, as I am done trusting anything she says. 1-4 ml at 20mg/ml concentration weekly seems to be standard talking to other people on r/asktrans and r/TransDIY, but what dosages are the people on injections here taking, and what are your levels?

Click to shrink...

I think swapping to injections or pills is a good idea. I haven't heard anything good about patches. You should work with your doctor to find a dosage that works out best for you. I can say that those dosages seem way higher than what my doctor was prescribing when he was prescribing injections for me.

 

[Geirskogul]

Putting dosage info in the open is dangerous because a large number of people try to self medicate. HRT can have all sorts of risks attached to it so it should to be supervised . Just like puberty, HRT is not a quick process and can take up to 5 years to complete. I know it's hard but you need to trust the people that have walked the path ahead of you. It will get better

Click to shrink...

This is some serious gate-keepy bullshit. The current state Trans healthcare is utterly abysmal and most "professionals" don't know wtf they're doing. If I listened to my endo, I would still be on 50 mcg patches (which is equivalent to about 1 mg daily in pill form) and 50 mg spiro. Utterly pathetic dosages that accomplish nothing. Every trans woman I have talked too has needed at least 200 mg spiro and 6-8 mg E, and even then most of them still struggle with poor and inconsistent levels while also dangerously high prolactin levels. Ditching Spiro for DIY Cypro is thus far the single best decision I have made regarding my transition. My T is finally at a normal cis-female range after just a month of Cypro, and I'm no longer suffering any of the awful effects from Spiro. My E2 on the other hand is at a pathetically low 49 pg/mL, which my endo seems to think is perfectly fine despite that being a low value for a post-menopausal woman and furthermore one that is barely even outside the normal range for a Cis Male. An actual ideal E2 level is 200-300 pg/mL, this doctor clearly has no idea wtf she is talking about. I had asked for injections from the very start but she was insistent on patches, I had to fight with her significantly just to get my E dosage increased to 100 mcg which is still laughably low. When I see her next month I am demanding she prescribe at minimum 1 ml @ 20mg/ml weekly injections, and if she gives me any resistance then its time to just go full DIY.

 

[Geirskogul]

I think swapping to injections or pills is a good idea. I haven't heard anything good about patches. You should work with your doctor to find a dosage that works out best for you. I can say that those dosages seem way higher than what my doctor was prescribing when he was prescribing injections for me.

Click to shrink...

I had asked for injections from the very start but she refused. I have heard nothing but awful things about pills and patches and I don't want to be one of those people who take over a year to get their levels in the correct range. That's completely unacceptable. I should have just gone informed consent from the start. The one element of my HRT regiment that is actually working as intended is the one that I researched for and purchased for myself (Cyproterone) instead of listening to a doctor.

 

[Kaywee]

This is some serious gate-keepy bullshit. The current state Trans healthcare is utterly abysmal and most "professionals" don't know wtf they're doing.

Click to shrink...

It took me 3 years to actually get hormones because I had to fight through a terrible system myself. I did some next level gymnastics to even find an endo that would work with me. I even went the DIY route too and got real sick for my efforts despite my research. After living through all of that I still agree that there should be some gates that you should pass through. Should the system be changed,.... absolutely it should.

 

[OniLinkPlus]

A couple days into HRT now. They straight up offered progesterone as an optional addition to the routine, but I said I would hold off til 3 months to add that in (money is tight, I could barely afford the spiro and E, hopefully I'll have a job by 3 months). Also taking daily topless selfies to track the effects, eventually I'll turn them into a timelapse and put that online somewhere. Dosage isn't as high as Geirskogul recommended, but I'm not going for a full transition so it's fine. A bunch of my trans friends said that dose they gave me is actually a little high, so? I have like... no perspective on what dosages make sense cause I keep getting mixed info from everywhere.

 

[Geirskogul]

It took me 3 years to actually get hormones because I had to fight through a terrible system myself. I did some next level gymnastics to even find an endo that would work with me. I even went the DIY route too and got real sick for my efforts despite my research. After living through all of that I still agree that there should be some gates that you should pass through. Should the system be changed,.... absolutely it should.

Click to shrink...

We'll just have to agree to disagree. Personally I believe living with untreated dysphoria for mobths or even years is a lot more dangerous and harmful to your health than DIY HRT is.

 

[Driggonny]

It's not really DIY if you have a doctor that knows you're taking it, has to sign off, and can do checkups.

Doctors in general don't seem to know what they're doing with regards to hrt. I went to a doctor that was specifically recommended to me for hrt and had apparently administered it before... and she started me on the maximum dose of spire out of the gate which gave me severe depression and genuine suicidal desires. Everyone I've talked to says that's a nuts dosage to start on. I'm on the same dosage now and am fine, but that transition should've been a lot smoother.

 

[meowdi gras]

Hi, all! My name is _______ and I'm a 41-year old trans woman, born, raised, and living in the not-so-peachy state of Georgia, USA. I transitioned in June 2014 after an unhappy youth wasted on trying to deny and bury my true self. A repressed and abusive childhood at the hands of my fundie-zealot parents and sociopath brother ensured quite a lot of guilt and self-hatred along the way as I struggled to accept myself. Finally, after hitting a "rock bottom" point a little over four years ago with my marriage breaking up and suicidal ideation constantly plaguing me, I decided to reach out for help--first, to an online community dedicated to helping those grappling with their sexuality and/or gender-identity; then, to a local gender therapist. Following a near-death experience a couple of weeks later, I made up my mind to take the plunge into the process of transitioning.

Despite some early obstacles, including my parents rejecting me, gatekeeping therapist, and a transition-unfriendly workplace, progress into my new life went surprisingly quickly. After a lifetime of feeling very much the socially-inept "ugly duckling", I was stunned to suddenly find myself turning heads as a beautiful, outgoing woman with a surprising talent for fashion. My old shyness and feelings of alienation quickly melted away as I began to experience the blissful sensation of *living* for the first time in my life. I soon explored the nightlife scene in my city for the very first time, where I discovered my passion for club dancing. Consequently, I accumulated friends quickly, which boosted my confidence immensely. A few particularly close friends practically became a new adopted family for me. By six months into my transition, I was happier and more fulfilled than I had ever dreamed of being.

That said, there have been more than a few bumps in my path since then. A weird, wonderful, and daily feeling of emotional "ecstasy" that had ensued with my first several months on HRT faded, resulting in an unexpected and unwelcome return of lifelong, debilitating anxiety. First, a frightening nervous breakdown nearly landed me in the hospital and cost me my job. Then, months of trying to distract my way back to health only revived the severe depression I had struggled with my whole adult life prior to transition. Early progress at seeking therapeutic treatment was set back when I swallowed a bunch of pills and wound up with a weeklong stay at an observation facility. Finally, after scaling an important hurdle two years previous coming to terms with my gender, I slew another dragon by admitting to myself that I had mental illness, and started on SSRI's.

Presently, I am still on daily HRT, as well as Effexor for my anxiety and depression. As I am still unemployed following my nervous breakdown three years ago, I have been unable to afford surgery or other physical transition steps (other than a dozen laser hair-removal sessions). A year-and-a-half long attempt to be qualify for SSDI was--despite professional diagnoses I have received for clinical depression, anxiety, PTSD, and possible bipolar disorder--recently scuttled by a conservative judge with a high rejection ratio. (However, I also have worsening physical issues which might swing an appeal in my favor.)

Fortunately, my bestie and housemate is also something of an adoptive mother to me and is happy to provide me free room and board in perpetuity. I try to keep busy with my SSDI appeal, passion for classical music and art movies, and screenplay projects. Too, I also have a wonderful fiancé I see every week and whom brings me no end of joy. Finally, the plethora of supportive club and theatre friends (my fiancé is an amateur actor) I have surrounding me keep fun and camaraderie always within short reach. I truly am the luckiest girl on Earth. ❤

I look forward to getting to know and learning from all of you! xoxo

 

[Kaywee]

Hi welcome to Trans era!

I see a lot of similarities after hearing your story and I look forward to chatting with you in the future. If your interested in chatting with everyone in the discord server, be sure to PM SweetNicole for details.

 

[meowdi gras]

Thanks so much for the welcome, Kaywee! Looks like things aren't that lively here in TransEra, although I've noticed during my lurkings that there are quite a few of us here on this side. :) I did explore the Trans 101 thread in Etc, which looks to be a great resource!

I will touch base with SweetNicole about the chat discord!

 

[Kaywee]

Thanks so much for the welcome, Kaywee! Looks like things aren't that lively here in TransEra, although I've noticed during my lurkings that there are quite a few of us here on this side. :) I did explore the Trans 101 thread in Etc, which looks to be a great resource!

I will touch base with SweetNicole about the chat discord!

Click to shrink...

Yeah we mostly stick to the discord unless someone posts in the thread

 

[Geirskogul]

I left the Discord earlier without saying anything as to why, so I suppose I owe you all a proper explanation. This will be my last post in this thread, and I both want to apologize for being such a downer and thank you all for all the kind words and advice you have proffered to me for the past two years, even dating back to the old site.

I have given up on transition. I threw away my Cypro and Estradiol today and cancelled all my future doctor appointments. Tomorrow I'm cutting my hair. I need to completely cut contact with all Trans communities because being around them is only going to make things more painful for me. People say you can't run from your problems, but when the problems are unsolvable there is no other true alternative. I hope that with a combination of anti-depressants and drug usage I'll be able to numb myself to the world to help mitigate the pain enough to live on. I know I'll always be Trans, but its never something I will ever be able to embrace, and taking the few steps that I have thus far have only magnified my agonizing regret of the past and complete hopelessness towards the future. Complete and total repression is the last avenue I feel is left to me besides the ultimate choice which still feels inevitable at this point.

I truly thank you for all your kind words and support, and I'm so sorry that they've been wasted on a person like me.
Good bye and good luck to all of you. <3

 

[Ketkat]

I left the Discord earlier without saying anything as to why, so I suppose I owe you all a proper explanation. This will be my last post in this thread, and I both want to apologize for being such a downer and thank you all for all the kind words and advice you have proffered to me for the past two years, even dating back to the old site.

I have given up on transition. I threw away my Cypro and Estradiol today and cancelled all my future doctor appointments. Tomorrow I'm cutting my hair. I need to completely cut contact with all Trans communities because being around them is only going to make things more painful for me. People say you can't run from your problems, but when the problems are unsolvable there is no other true alternative. I hope that with a combination of anti-depressants and drug usage I'll be able to numb myself to the world to help mitigate the pain enough to live on. I know I'll always be Trans, but its never something I will ever be able to embrace, and taking the few steps that I have thus far have only magnified my agonizing regret of the past and complete hopelessness towards the future. Complete and total repression is the last avenue I feel is left to me besides the ultimate choice which still feels inevitable at this point.

I truly thank you for all your kind words and support, and I'm so sorry that they've been wasted on a person like me.
Good bye and good luck to all of you. <3

Click to shrink...

I'll be blunt. I think this is a terrible idea that will only make things worse. There's a reason you turned to transitioning in the first place, and those reasons aren't going to disappear by trying to pretend the problem doesn't exist.

 

[Deleted member 932]

Just passing by to say hi. Reading this thread has been a rollercoaster. Some of the messages left by those who were questioning their gender at the time resonated with me; at the same time I'm saddened to read that hrt is not working as well as hoped for some of you. Wish I could be of help, but I'm afraid there's not much I could tell you without sounding like a hypocrite since I'm not even sure I'm trans.

For the time being I'm taking baby steps to feminize my appearance, like shaving, taking medication for hairloss and letting my hair grow. When I'll move out of my parents house I look forward to buy new clothing, something I've practically never done on my own since I always let my parents buy them (I'm 25 years old btw). In the last 3 years or so, before I even started doubting my gender, I prohibited my parents to buy any new piece of clothing. I've always thought that I simply didn't care much about my appearance, but lately (in the last 6 months or so) I started shopping online for feminine clothing and I realized that there may have been something more to that.

I don't think it's interesting to get in the details, I'll just say that for the longest time I had thought that I did not care about quite a few things, like my appearance, or dating, or going out in general, but lately I realize that if I imagine myself as a woman I become more comfortable about those things.

I mean, when I try to recollect my memories, I can remember many episodes which you'd probably find telling, like that one time when I was like 8 or something and I showed a friend of mine how good I was at imitating Lara Croft's voice. Or when I was a tad older and I tried to shave the body hair that was growing on my legs, but then stopped because I didn't want my parents to find out. But I must say that I find this exercise kind of futile: I am who I am, this all questioning thing is pointless imo.

The only thing I'm sure is that I want to proceed slowly but surely. Fortunately I do not suffer from dysphoria, at least not directly, even though I must mention that I've never dated anyone and I do have some minor problems with physical contact, and I wonder if some latent or repressed body issues have got anything to do with that.

Anyway as I was saying I want to take some baby steps. Shaving, dressing, make up, trimming eyebrows, make up...this kind of stuff. I am in no rush
Eventually, when I'll have tried everything, I won't even need to ask myself whether hrt is right or not. If I manage to get that far I think I owe myself to try it.

Alright, this was a long post I fear. I'm sad that I may come at moment when things are not looking too positive for you. I am sorry if I give the impression that I am intruding. On the topic of physical attributes that one can't change, I know I shouldn't be the one to speak, since I'm not even sure I am trans, but others have said it's important I think to focus on the stuff that one can change, and to always try to make some progress, no matter how small it is.

For instance, I am 6.15 feet tall, I played water polo for 5 years so I've got really broad shoulders, but I find some solace in going to the gym and working on my glutes and on the legs because that way I can balance things a little bit. Also, shopping (online not for real) for clothes that are flattering for my body type (the inverted triangle) is something that I find relieving. Another helpful thing is finding characters in media that may share some of my traits (which admittedly might be easier for someone who could potentially be more genderfluid like myself). For example I've become very fond of Sailor Uranus: of course she still looks very feminine, but she's much taller than the other guardians and she too is very into sports and athletic like myself. Of course looking at cis people who have the same body issues help too. For instance there is this subreddit, which is called fitandnatural if memory serves, with several posts of athletes of my height, which I find inspiring.

Once again sorry for the long post.

 

[How About No]

I left the Discord earlier without saying anything as to why, so I suppose I owe you all a proper explanation. This will be my last post in this thread, and I both want to apologize for being such a downer and thank you all for all the kind words and advice you have proffered to me for the past two years, even dating back to the old site.

I have given up on transition. I threw away my Cypro and Estradiol today and cancelled all my future doctor appointments. Tomorrow I'm cutting my hair. I need to completely cut contact with all Trans communities because being around them is only going to make things more painful for me. People say you can't run from your problems, but when the problems are unsolvable there is no other true alternative. I hope that with a combination of anti-depressants and drug usage I'll be able to numb myself to the world to help mitigate the pain enough to live on. I know I'll always be Trans, but its never something I will ever be able to embrace, and taking the few steps that I have thus far have only magnified my agonizing regret of the past and complete hopelessness towards the future. Complete and total repression is the last avenue I feel is left to me besides the ultimate choice which still feels inevitable at this point.

I truly thank you for all your kind words and support, and I'm so sorry that they've been wasted on a person like me.
Good bye and good luck to all of you. <3

Click to shrink...

Please no, this isn't the way

 

[Ketkat]

Just passing by to say hi. Reading this thread has been a rollercoaster. Some of the messages left by those who were questioning their gender at the time resonated with me; at the same time I'm saddened to read that hrt is not working as well as hoped for some of you. Wish I could be of help, but I'm afraid there's not much I could tell you without sounding like a hypocrite since I'm not even sure I'm trans.

For the time being I'm taking baby steps to feminize my appearance, like shaving, taking medication for hairloss and letting my hair grow. When I'll move out of my parents house I look forward to buy new clothing, something I've practically never done on my own since I always let my parents buy them (I'm 25 years old btw). In the last 3 years or so, before I even started doubting my gender, I prohibited my parents to buy any new piece of clothing. I've always thought that I simply didn't care much about my appearance, but lately (in the last 6 months or so) I started shopping online for feminine clothing and I realized that there may have been something more to that.

I don't think it's interesting to get in the details, I'll just say that for the longest time I had thought that I did not care about quite a few things, like my appearance, or dating, or going out in general, but lately I realize that if I imagine myself as a woman I become more comfortable about those things.

I mean, when I try to recollect my memories, I can remember many episodes which you'd probably find telling, like that one time when I was like 8 or something and I showed a friend of mine how good I was at imitating Lara Croft's voice. Or when I was a tad older and I tried to shave the body hair that was growing on my legs, but then stopped because I didn't want my parents to find out. But I must say that I find this exercise kind of futile: I am who I am, this all questioning thing is pointless imo.

The only thing I'm sure is that I want to proceed slowly but surely. Fortunately I do not suffer from dysphoria, at least not directly, even though I must mention that I've never dated anyone and I do have some minor problems with physical contact, and I wonder if some latent or repressed body issues have got anything to do with that.

Anyway as I was saying I want to take some baby steps. Shaving, dressing, make up, trimming eyebrows, make up...this kind of stuff. I am in no rush
Eventually, when I'll have tried everything, I won't even need to ask myself whether hrt is right or not. If I manage to get that far I think I owe myself to try it.

Alright, this was a long post I fear. I'm sad that I may come at moment when things are not looking too positive for you. I am sorry if I give the impression that I am intruding. On the topic of physical attributes that one can't change, I know I shouldn't be the one to speak, since I'm not even sure I am trans, but others have said it's important I think to focus on the stuff that one can change, and to always try to make some progress, no matter how small it is.

For instance, I am 6.15 feet tall, I played water polo for 5 years so I've got really broad shoulders, but I find some solace in going to the gym and working on my glutes and on the legs because that way I can balance things a little bit. Also, shopping (online not for real) for clothes that are flattering for my body type (the inverted triangle) is something that I find relieving. Another helpful thing is finding characters in media that may share some of my traits (which admittedly might be easier for someone who could potentially be more genderfluid like myself). For example I've become very fond of Sailor Uranus: of course she still looks very feminine, but she's much taller than the other guardians and she too is very into sports and athletic like myself. Of course looking at cis people who have the same body issues help too. For instance there is this subreddit, which is called fitandnatural if memory serves, with several posts of athletes of my height, which I find inspiring.

Once again sorry for the long post.

Click to shrink...

Welcome to the thread FairFriend! You aren't intruding in any way. People who are questioning are always welcome here!

You're absolutely right that we need to try and shift focus to what we can change. I've always struggled to do that because the things that I can change don't feel like as big of a deal to me so I end up spending more time stressing about what I can't change. I've been trying my best to just put those thoughts out of mind and to keep doing what I can, and I feel like its helping slowly but surely. I still get stuck on those thoughts from time to time, but I'm becoming a lot more confident in who I am by not dwelling on it too much.

And your plan to take your time and experiment and see what works for you is a great one! If you need help figuring anything out at all, we're here to help!

 

[Deleted member 932]

Welcome to the thread FairFriend! You aren't intruding in any way. People who are questioning are always welcome here!

You're absolutely right that we need to try and shift focus to what we can change. I've always struggled to do that because the things that I can change don't feel like as big of a deal to me so I end up spending more time stressing about what I can't change. I've been trying my best to just put those thoughts out of mind and to keep doing what I can, and I feel like its helping slowly but surely. I still get stuck on those thoughts from time to time, but I'm becoming a lot more confident in who I am by not dwelling on it too much.

And your plan to take your time and experiment and see what works for you is a great one! If you need help figuring anything out at all, we're here to help!

Click to shrink...

Hi Ketkat, thank you for the warm welcome! Having read the whole thread I'm glad to hear that that you are doing better now. I do have lots of questions actually, but I don't want to pester you right away. Also, if I can be of any help, don't hesitate to let me know. I'm glad that that I have someone to talk to about these topics, resetera is the webplace that I frequent the most so it kinda feels like a second home.

 

[Ketkat]

Hi Ketkat, thank you for the warm welcome! Having read the whole thread I'm glad to hear that that you are doing better now. I do have lots of questions actually, but I don't want to pester you right away. Also, if I can be of any help, don't hesitate to let me know. I'm glad that that I have someone to talk to about these topics, resetera is the webplace that I frequent the most so it kinda feels like a second home.

Click to shrink...

Thank you for the offer, I'll definitely keep it in mind! Feel free to ask whatever you want, its not a problem at all. If you want in the discord, PM SweetNicole for an invite

 

[srhltmr]

After 4 months I can say beyond the shadow of a doubt that patience is not my strong suit.

 

[Ketkat]

After 4 months I can say without the shadow of a doubt that patience is not my strong suit.

Click to shrink...

4 months of what exactly? If HRT, that's really nothing for how long it takes for a lot of those changes to kick in. You just have to try and focus on what you can do since you can't really speed that up in any way.

 

[srhltmr]

4 months of what exactly? If HRT, that's really nothing for how long it takes for a lot of those changes to kick in. You just have to try and focus on what you can do since you can't really speed that up in any way.

Click to shrink...

Yes, HRT, sorry.

I know it takes time but that still doesn't make it any easier.

 

[meowdi gras]

Anyone else who needs help for mental illness find that psychological therapy helps not at all, and in fact makes things worse? I've found over the last couple of years that going to see my psychiatrist and/or my therapist to talk about my various traumas and anxieties has become an increasingly-rough ordeal. Used to, during the first year or so of my transition, it wasn't so bad. In fact, I rather needed that weekly outlet of being able to release emotions I had had pent-up after all of those years. But now, the whole experience just seems to upset me further and guarantee an even more emotionally-vacillating week than otherwise.

Since the arrival of the new year, when I finally got news that my application for disability was rejected, I've quit going to both my therapist and psychiatrist, and I seem to be feeling worlds better and more stable, day-to-day. (I now have my GP prescribe my SSRI's.) Is this perhaps because my brain is so active and my past traumas are so frequently on my mind anyway (including nightmares regularly), so dredging them up to the surface during therapy is just blasting the wounds too much? Dunno.

Can anyone else relate?