This has truly been an incredible waste of time. I was certain it would be from the very start, so at least I am validated in that regard. People can tell me I'm giving up too soon, but they're wrong. I already know the truth, and I'm not going to keep placing the carrot on the stick (one more year on HRT! one more surgery!) when it's painfully obvious how futile it all is, and that I'm only prolonging my own suffering.
All that's really left do is find a younger trans person to give my savings to, and find a closet big enough to hang myself in, now that would be some great irony for sure.
When you go into something expecting it to turn out terribly, you're going to be zeroing in on every possible negative that can pop up instead of focusing on the positives that are happening around you. I'd really recommend looking into this resource and trying to recognize which of these that you're falling into and see if you can challenge them at all : https://www.klearminds.com/blog/cognitive-distortions-thinking-errors-can-cbt-help/
And the issues that you need to work on to make yourself happy aren't just waiting around on HRT or getting a surgery. While you are really early on HRT, especially since you only recently managed to fix your dosages to the right levels, you need to talk about, and figure out why you feel the way you do about trans identities. Until you can work through those feelings and start to see trans people as valid, then you will always have that block that's really preventing you from seeing yourself in a positive light. I'm here to help any time you need it Geirskogul, and I'll always be here when you're ready to dig into this. I know that you can get through this, we just have to work at this some!
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