Welcome! That was a great coming-out post, I'm happy for you! Figuring this stuff out is scary but also fun and liberating. You have a supportive home environment, and that's so important. You can just experiment and try on different styles of clothes/makeup (your wife may even be able to help you here) to see what feels good for what moment. Oh and that feeling of being attracted to AND wanting to be women you see - that happens to pretty much all of us who identify as transfeminine (be it full-time or part-time). Feeling like an impostor also happens to pretty much everyone when they start coming out, I think. So don't worry about it, just do what feels good.
I had a bit of time between typing all that up and my account being approved, so I got a couple drafts in before posting it. LOL Still mildly embarrassed that a video game sent me into an identity crisis (queer as SWH may be), but it is what it is.
My wife has been great about this and very proactive in helping in the style/clothing department, pointing out what women's clothing I can potentially pull off while still physically presenting as cis hetero, and also translating what women's fashion looks I like into the nearest approximation in men's clothing.
I've never been so happy I married her.
Makeup might be a bridge too far at the moment. If I thought I could pass, I'd probably be more interested, but I don't feel too broken up about that at the moment. Even at peak femininity, I still feel pretty low-femme.
I can relate with questioning if you are just looking for attention. That thought has gone through my end head countless times these past couple of weeks. Sure, it feels good getting positive reinforcement from my councilor and SO, but for me to think that's the only reason I'm going down this road, would mean I'd have to ignore all the other intense feelings I've been dealing with.
You're also not alone in feeling like they jumped in feet first. That's been basically me this past week.
I don't know/don't think I'm going to come out to my therapist. She has her plate full with the rest of my issues. While I was figuring things out, I found an abstract about a study regarding a bipolar homosexual man who identified as a woman when they had manic episodes. I'm bipolar myself, though my current medication regimen keeps me pretty level. Still, I couldn't help but wonder if I would see any correlation between feminity levels and mood, so I started tracking how female I was feeling to compare against my mood tracking. Not a lot of data points, but no evident pattern, either.
BTW, I read that article you posted upthread about the person who was so deeply affected by gender-bending stories before realizing they were trans years later and saw a lot of myself in that. I don't think I'm trans, but that shit has always been potent for me as well. Clive Barker's
The Madonna and Neil Gaiman's
Changes, while not being pornographic (well,
The Madonna has a bit of a sexy side, I guess) were some deeply-affecting stories that have been adhered to my mind since I first read them. I'd recommend them on their own merits, even discounting the relevancy of the subject matter.
Brilliant post, thank you for taking the time to write and share it. Do check out the
Non-Binary OT as well if and when you'd like. I wouldn't sweat the imposter syndrome - rough as it can be. That inner conflict is real and if you're finding vocabulary that helps settle and align that then that's valid. If you feel recognising that as part of your identity is important, then it's important. To quote Kate Bornstein, "Your gender identity and how you express your gender are correct only when you feel they are correct". That might shift and change, and that's
ok. It can be nebulous, there's no convenient template or instruction manual for being trans. Just explore it and do what you feel comfortable with, and use language you're comfortable with to describe
your self.
Oh wow, somehow I missed there's a non-binary thread too. I'm just making the rounds making introductions left right and center, it seems.
Thanks to you and everyone else who have chimed in with words of encouragement and affirmation. This week has been, shall we say, emotionally charged for me, and it's good to know the self-doubt about a new identity is not outside the norm.